Eng The Last Hangover (2018)

1
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,650
Hey, Peter! Come on, he's calling you!

2
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,360
Hurry it up.

3
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,112
Did you guys try smelling this herb?

4
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:14,199
I'm taking some to try out later.
It is different.

5
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:17,786
Guys, heads up. This here is...

6
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:20,747
a Syrian bread.
You eat it with hummus and stuff.

7
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,333
Everyone breaks their own bread.
Come on, now!

8
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,336
Don't sit down. I want to make a toast.
Everybody, up!

9
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:30,924
I'm making a toast!
The night is just getting started!

10
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,595
Watch out, world!

11
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,189
What's going on?

12
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,862
Shut up, Thomas. Just go back to sleep.

13
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:37,157
It's like the Wall of Jericho
came crashing down my head.

14
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,332
What the hell?

15
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,795
What is it?

16
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,550
What the hell is going on?

17
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:59,763
Guess we went a little too hard
at last night's farewell party.

18
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:04,267
We could ask Jesus to do
one of those hangover healing tricks.

19
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,352
Where is Jesus?

20
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:07,604
Probably laying around here somewhere.

21
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:12,109
I can't remember a single thing
about last night.

22
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:15,654
I remember we had dinner,
and there was bread...

23
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,531
and a shit ton of wine!

24
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,908
Guys, I can't find Jesus.

25
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,828
-Did you try the toilet?
-Don't go there. There's a tiger in it.

26
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,454
-Say what?
-Yeah.

27
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,331
Judas.

28
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:30,001
Judas! Hey, Judas!

29
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:33,797
Judas is out cold.

30
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,800
If he's out cold,
then we really went hard last night.

31
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,176
-James.
-Yes?

32
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:40,137
-No, the other James.
-What's going on?

33
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,347
-Think you know where Jesus is?
-I remember him saying...

34
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,016
someone here would backstab him
or something.

35
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:50,063
Yeah, he did say that.
That was during dinner.

36
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:03,285
Can you get us some olive oil?
Bread with nothing on it is shit.

37
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:05,954
-Are you splitting the bill?
-It's all on him.

38
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,330
Also some butter, come on.

39
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:12,377
Can we begin the supper already?
The food we brought is getting cold.

40
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,837
-The food you brought? What?
-Not yet.

41
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:17,966
First, I would like to say a few words
because actually,

42
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:19,634
this shall be our Last Supper.

43
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,765
Truly I tell you,
one of you will betray me.

44
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:29,895
-No way!
-Hey, 'sup, guys? Did I miss anything?

45
00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:32,147
Hush, Judas.
Jesus is saying someone's betraying him.

46
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,648
Good God! Did he say who?

47
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,734
Not yet. That's when you got here.

48
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,278
Give us a hint. Is he a tall guy?

49
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:42,324
No. The person who'll betray me
knows who they are.

50
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,787
-I'm sorry, Jesus!
-Easy, there...

51
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,164
Mary Magdalene said
she wasn't going to tell you!

52
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,333
-Say what?
-It happened way before

53
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,168
your "throw the first stone" spiel!

54
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,045
I didn't even know you.
It was just one time!

55
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,172
A friend had gone there before.
It was just once!

56
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,882
It's okay, Thomas.

57
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,051
-It was before, and just once...
-Three times.

58
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,595
Three times. No biggie.

59
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,640
-Four, at most!
-Four is perfectly fine.

60
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:11,394
It was 37 times! Please, forgive me!

61
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,272
She does stuff that completes me!
Roman bonfires and stuff!

62
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,608
-I couldn't resist!
-What's a "Roman bonfire"?

63
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:20,403
And it wasn't just me here who did it!
I'm dragging you all down with me!

64
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,573
-Just let him speak.
-It wasn't you, Thomas. Relax.

65
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,701
Look, Jesus, if this is about your mother,
I was drunk...

66
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,495
Guys, I'm gonna die!

67
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,413
-Oh, my God!
-Hang in there!

68
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,581
He's choked on something!

69
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,710
<i>Rain your blessings and love over us...</i>

70
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:37,921
Cut it out, you nutcases! Just wait!

71
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:41,174
-He's back! It's a miracle!
-A miracle of God!

72
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:45,095
Stop kissing me! Always with the kissing!

73
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,014
Calm down! See? I'm fine!

74
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:52,102
I'm saying that soon,
I'll be losing my life.

75
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,479
I told you! It's Jesus' habit

76
00:05:54,563 --> 00:06:00,610
of touching beggars and lepers and stuff!

77
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,487
He hugged Lazarus, for God's sake!

78
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:05,699
He was literally rotten!
Dead for six days!

79
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:08,118
I said, "Heal him from afar, Jesus!"

80
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,913
But no, you just had to hug him,
and be "accessible" and "open."

81
00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:15,709
That habit of kissing feet and the ground?
That's what you get!

82
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,876
Calm down. Let's take it slow.

83
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,880
I'm trying to say
I want you to carry on my word.

84
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,634
-I'm sorry, which word?
-My word.

85
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,678
-You say so many words...
-All of them!

86
00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:29,472
-But which ones shouldn't we carry?
-They're all okay.

87
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:32,183
-You want me to write them down?
-No, thanks.

88
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:35,478
-I'd like that...
-Let's eat! We'll remember it as we go.

89
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,315
-Remember what now?
-My words.

90
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,733
-Why?
-Because I'm going to die.

91
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,943
-No way!
-I just said that!

92
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,154
Sorry, my mind was somewhere else.

93
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,574
Guys? Sorry for interrupting
your conversation.

94
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:50,994
-Do you have salt? That other table...
-We can't have anything on the table.

95
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,287
No salt, no straws.

96
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,788
-Sorry.
-It's fine.

97
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,499
You're on edge 'cause you're dying, right?
Sorry, by the way.

98
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,377
It's fine. And don't touch me.
Personal space, much?

99
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:00,295
Anyway.

100
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:05,342
So that this moment
is forever remembered...

101
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:09,554
Come here. He's a friend of mine.
A bonafide painter.

102
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:15,226
Good with his hands.
He'll paint us a nice picture.

103
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,394
Right, Jair?

104
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,396
Great guy. He is out there.

105
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:22,817
Come over to this side, you guys.
Let's all line up.

106
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:28,698
Can I ask just one thing?
Can I sit here? Just this once?

107
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,116
Everybody freeze!

108
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,081
Sorry.

109
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,837
-Is this going to take long?
-I'm still on the first Apostle.

110
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:43,797
Calm your tits.

111
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:49,761
Why are we doing this again?

112
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,514
Because my mother
wants a memento from me,

113
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:56,226
and she came with this creepy talk
about shrouds,

114
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,728
pretty morbid stuff.
Sweaty cloth, or something.

115
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:03,066
So I suggested a nice picture instead,
so she'll remember me after I die.

116
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,235
You're going to die?

117
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,779
For God's sake.
Don't you hear any thing we say?

118
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,532
We'll write it down later.

119
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:13,034
It's all blurred now!
You guys need to stay still!

120
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,578
Jeez! You guys are like little kids.

121
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:19,416
How are you going to handle my departure?

122
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,459
By hanging your heads against the wall?

123
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,796
Will I have to come back, fix everything,
die again, come back again?

124
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:27,841
Drop that! No eating!

125
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,385
-Everybody, freeze!
-In that same pose?

126
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:34,723
We'll have a caricature artist later.
You'll love him. Great guy.

127
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:42,522
-Did anyone pay that painter?
-I did.

128
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,315
Well, look at the shit job he did!

129
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,776
Fucking asshole, man.

130
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,029
We spent like an hour stuck in that pose.

131
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:51,489
Thaddaeus sprained his jaw.
He might never speak again!

132
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,408
So, when did things go off the rails?

133
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,202
-James?
-Yes?

134
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:57,287
-The other one.
-Yeah?

135
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,789
Jesus told us to each bring a dish.
Which one did you bring?

136
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,082
I brought chicken salad.

137
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,376
I brought fish.

138
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,045
I...

139
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,549
Thomas!

140
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,677
I...

141
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,763
I can explain it.

142
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,897
Can we set the food on the table
and get this supper started?

143
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,440
God, yes!

144
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:29,319
Oh, we're missing just one thing.

145
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:30,737
Prayer.

146
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,698
We don't need to do it. I'm here.
It's implicit.

147
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:37,452
You were the one who taught me
we should always say our thanks.

148
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,997
Even with you here,
we should direct it towards Him.

149
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,541
Sweet merciful Father...

150
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:46,419
Just focus on the pain...

151
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,879
Fine. Let's do it. Say your grace.

152
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:50,340
-Can I start?
-Sure.

153
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,010
I'm nervous.

154
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,889
-Thank you, O Lord, for...
-He loved it. Great job. Let's eat.

155
00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:00,892
Let's get this shit started!

156
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,355
What's that?

157
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:10,068
This is Jerusalem coke,
Galilean hashish...

158
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,694
Wait, what is that?

159
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,366
I've brought some vinaigrette.

160
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,993
Is it dosed with something?

161
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,787
Just bell peppers and onions.

162
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,038
I thought this was a party!

163
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:25,750
I asked each person
to bring something to eat.

164
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:30,171
-But you said it was a "supper."
-And it is. It is a supper.

165
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:33,216
You know, a "supper."
I thought that was just a nickname,

166
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:36,928
since some people here are married
and stuff. So, "Let's eat 'supper'!"

167
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,680
Did I do the air quotes
when I invited you?

168
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,348
Like, "Thomas, let us eat 'supper'?"

169
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:44,018
No, you didn't.
I mean, that would be too on the nose.

170
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:47,689
-You just said, "Let's have supper."
-And that's what we're having.

171
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:52,026
Who does suppers anymore?
It's such an old-fashioned thing!

172
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,487
-I do.
-We do supper every day at home.

173
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,948
It's a farewell supper. That's it.

174
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,743
I focused on the "farewell" part.

175
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,454
-Too bad I've already called the girls.
-What "girls"?

176
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:07,375
Is this where there's a "supper" going on?

177
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,711
Look at her. My sexy rogue!

178
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,212
-I mean...
-Come on, spread out!

179
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,716
-What is this, Magdalene?
-I thought you'd left.

180
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:17,927
I told you I was going to leave
on Sunday!

181
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,597
-You just had to invite her?
-She had the others' contact info.

182
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,725
You gave everything you had to the poor,
and I had to pay for our candles.

183
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,728
I can handle myself. Buddha's wife
kept waiting for her inheritance

184
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:30,815
-and that fucked her up good.
-But I was going to give you powers...

185
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,901
I'm quite empowered already, love.
I don't need no man.

186
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:36,321
Yeah, so. So glad you came and all,

187
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,573
but this was all a misunderstanding.
Grab your friends and...

188
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:43,578
Well, guys, I can take away the girls,
but I can't pay back the money.

189
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:46,539
-It's okay...
-Hold up, guys.

190
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,586
-If it's paid for already...
-Exactly!

191
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,838
Is this a "supper" or what?

192
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,883
That's the thing, Maddie. It isn't.

193
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,510
It's a fucking farewell party!

194
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:06,351
Relax, Jesus. By tomorrow morning,
no one will remember a thing.

195
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,942
That's when Jesus started drinking!

196
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:18,613
-He was so upset.
-I mean, how could he not be?

197
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:21,699
Sorry, but I'm 42. I'm old.
I could be someone's great-grandparent.

198
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,326
"Farewell" means something else for me!

199
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,495
But seriously, though, where's Jesus?

200
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,206
Judas is still blacked out.

201
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,250
Forget him. He was the only one
who didn't like the party.

202
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:32,669
He's fucking lame.

203
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:36,631
Hey, wasn't that when Jesus started
getting all bummed out?

204
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:46,307
-Why does she do that to me, Judas?
-You're too good for her.

205
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,601
Dude, I gave her everything!

206
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,813
Women don't like nice guys.
They like assholes!

207
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,856
-Where is she?
-She's in the room.

208
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,191
Try talking to her, Thomas!

209
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:59,153
Sure, I'll just wait for Peter to be done
trying to convince her.

210
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:02,156
She is relentless!

211
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,867
-See?
-I've talked to her three times!

212
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,619
-I'll try talking to her.
-Talk to her!

213
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,371
I'll give her some hard truths!

214
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,288
-James!
-Yes?

215
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,373
-The other James!
-Yes?

216
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,749
-Let's convince her together!
-Right.

217
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,127
-You know what? You, too, James.
-Really?

218
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,504
Those are some good pals!

219
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:19,215
I'm so praising you guys.
You'll go down in history!

220
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:22,260
-Go with them, Judas!
-No, I probably shouldn't.

221
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,637
Why not? Why don't you want to go?

222
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,264
There are too many guys there
convincing her.

223
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:30,435
-You can give them a push!
-She can't handle another push.

224
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,812
You don't like me.
You were never my friend.

225
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:36,607
-No, I do. I love you, man!
-Not my friend!

226
00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:39,485
-You've never rooted for us!
-I've always rooted for Jesus.

227
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:43,072
Have I ever told you that love parable
about the man and the donkey?

228
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,033
-Yes.
-With the mountain and the pole?

229
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:49,203
-Multiple times.
-Once upon a time,

230
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:51,205
Isaac told the shepherd--

231
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,291
Would it cost you to go upstairs?

232
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,128
-Actually, yes. Ten gold coins.
-Say what?

233
00:13:57,211 --> 00:14:01,632
-God, is it hard to convince her?
-I know! She's full of arguments!

234
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:03,843
Where's that stuff Thomas brought
by mistake?

235
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:04,969
-Over there.
-No, don't do it...

236
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:09,182
Isn't this a farewell party?
So I'm kissing my shit goodbye!

237
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,355
Thomas! You know Jesus
can't hold his stuff.

238
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,484
And Magdalene wasn't holding punches.

239
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,360
So, do we have any kind of evidence?

240
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:24,781
-I can't find Bartholomew, either.
-Maybe he's with Jesus.

241
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,909
Wasn't he with Jesus during that fight?

242
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,369
Fight?

243
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,996
What fight?

244
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,044
Is this your card?

245
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:45,968
Listen to this. I've heard just now
that the Son of God is leaving!

246
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,011
Yep, he is.

247
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:49,514
What a bummer.

248
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:53,059
But I've got some good news
to cheer you guys up!

249
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:56,312
From today on,
I'll be taking that position!

250
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,272
You go, Bartholomew!

251
00:14:58,356 --> 00:14:59,690
She forgot my name. It's Diego.

252
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:04,946
-Diego!
-But from now on, call me Messiah!

253
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:08,991
Yeah, a 2.0 version of the old one.

254
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,160
-What's his name again?
-Jesus?

255
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,788
The guy who had that thing--
turning water into wine?

256
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:19,794
Well, look at my hand, guys.
It goes up, and up...

257
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:24,340
a free round of gin and tonics
and martinis for everybody!

258
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,134
-Free?
-I'll pay you later.

259
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,677
-You do miracles, too?
-Yes, I do!

260
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,305
Look, thumb's off, thumb's back.
See? It's back already!

261
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:35,143
-How'd you do that?
-Son of God, baby!

262
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,270
That's a cheap trick!

263
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,313
He just does this with his fingers.

264
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:43,192
Come here, let me talk to you.
Look, I grabbed his nose!

265
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,110
He got his nose!

266
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,529
-It's his nose!
-My nose is right here.

267
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:50,074
No, it's only back there now!
Breathe, child!

268
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,077
-My nose was already on my face!
-Chill, yo! And it wasn't.

269
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:57,665
Focus here, guys. Just standard procedure.

270
00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:00,585
I'll need some offerings from you.

271
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,588
We'll need some food and money
for the road...

272
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,132
-Can I get a hallelujah?
-Hallelujah!

273
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:09,844
Don't give money to him!

274
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,637
-He's a fraud!
-He said he's the Son of God.

275
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,390
-Thank you!
-So we just have to say that?

276
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,559
Then sure, I'm the Son of God!

277
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:17,935
He's the Son of God, too!

278
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,523
But he can't pull a coin
out of the pretty lady's ear!

279
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,108
What's going on here?

280
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:27,820
You decided to leave, so Diego and Judas
are trying to take your place.

281
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:28,779
What the hell, Judas?

282
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:31,991
You got it all wrong! People think
this guy is the Son of God now.

283
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:35,286
-They said they're Sons of God!
-There's only one Son of God.

284
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:37,163
See? He recognizes it! Cute, isn't it?

285
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:41,834
Bro, don't even get me started.
I've healed lepers.

286
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:48,591
Wow, he's healed lepers!
But can you do this?

287
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,761
I've resurrected people.
Can't compare that with the cloth trick.

288
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:56,807
He's resurrected people!
Then I'll do him the card one. Pick one!

289
00:16:56,891 --> 00:16:58,935
-There's only one Son of God!
-That's true!

290
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,312
-And that's me!
-Then we're brothers!

291
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,148
Don't waste your time on him!

292
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,566
-Listen, pal.
-What?

293
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,652
-Do you know God?
-Of course, I do!

294
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,696
-Then how is He?
-Well... He's good-looking!

295
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,908
-What else?
-He's strong!

296
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,744
-What about His face?
-His face...?

297
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:20,748
You're asking a lot of questions.
It seems like you don't know Him.

298
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:26,879
Asking me about God's face?
Don't you know God, Jesus?

299
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,132
-Don't waste your time on him!
-I talk to God all the time!

300
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,801
Do you?

301
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:35,096
-Well, He gave me a chalice.
-Is this guy for real?

302
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,931
A Holy Chalice!

303
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,766
The chalice was already here!

304
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,186
-And here's another chalice!
-He's multiplied the chalices!

305
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,814
The second chalice was already there!

306
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,484
-And they're gone now! Where are they?
-They're up in Heaven now!

307
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,571
-You're an ass.
-You're the ass!

308
00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:54,574
-You're an ass times two.
-You're an ass times infinity.

309
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,659
You're an ass infinity times infinity.

310
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,245
And you're four times more
of an ass than that. I won!

311
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,247
-Oh, yeah?
-What?

312
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:04,125
-You're a douche.
-No, you. Look, it's a David Sling!

313
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,294
Look, it's a miracle!

314
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,921
Miracle? Here comes the Holy Spirit
all up in your ass!

315
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,466
Look, it's an apple! Adam, Eve, and...

316
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,721
Let me just take King Solomon's Treasure!

317
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,102
I know what you said. I won't ask "what."

318
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:26,480
-I didn't say "what"!
-Gotcha!

319
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:27,732
Fucked ya in Egypt, say what?

320
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,818
Ditto with rice on top, say what?

321
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,945
-What a fuckwad!
-Dumbass.

322
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,071
You're the dumbass!

323
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,244
-You should turn the other cheek!
-I'm turning around on his cheek!

324
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,919
Jesus! You always do that!
Want to bring down my tavern?

325
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:52,715
-What the hell do you think you're doing?
-Go back to your stupid tricks!

326
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,508
Diego!

327
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,052
Stupid fucking tricks!

328
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,928
Forget this guy. He won't last.

329
00:18:58,012 --> 00:18:59,180
You bet he won't.

330
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,433
Where's the air? Talk about weird!

331
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,477
Bartholomew!

332
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,562
You killed the guy!

333
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,064
You can deal with it, right?

334
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,940
-By burying him?
-No, feed him to the tiger.

335
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,026
-What tiger?
-The tiger in the bathroom.

336
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,569
There's no tiger in the--

337
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,490
-There's a tiger in the bathroom.
-Take him, then I'll undo the tiger.

338
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:21,243
Here's the thing, Master.
I don't want to overstep my boundaries,

339
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:22,662
but why don't you make the guy vanish?

340
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:27,833
Why make a tiger to eat him,
and then unmake the tiger?

341
00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:31,253
Listen up, Bart.

342
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:34,507
This guy in front of you now
isn't the New Testament of God,

343
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:37,677
who's all cute and fun
and talks to people over mountains,

344
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:42,223
and who has 12 pals,
like Snow White's seven dwarves.

345
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,017
The God in front of you
is the Old Testament's.

346
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:49,355
The one who throws golden calves
off cliffs and kills whoever touches them.

347
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,148
The one who orders Abraham
to kill his son.

348
00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:54,860
But you did stop Abraham
from killing his--

349
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:55,945
No?

350
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,906
You shouldn't believe everything you read.

351
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:02,576
He did kill him, with great prejudice.
Chopped him up with a butter knife.

352
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,829
But then I gave him a cuter kid to adopt.

353
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,206
-That's true fatherhood. Now go.
-My God...

354
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:11,836
Let's keep the party going
with the only Son of God here!

355
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:19,593
Shit! Jesus killed that guy.
And fed him to the tiger.

356
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:23,556
Hey, guys. What did I miss?

357
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:24,974
Where the hell were you, Bartholomew?

358
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,351
I was "concealing" a corpse.

359
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,311
-Where's Jesus?
-We thought he was with you!

360
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,981
"Concealing a corpse"?
But isn't the tiger in the toilet?

361
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,232
He's still there?

362
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:37,486
When I left to bury Diego,
Jesus said he'd solve the tiger thing.

363
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,655
Where did you "conceal" this corpse?
Over at Mesopotamia?

364
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:42,616
No, in the back.
Have you ever dug a grave by yourselves?

365
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,995
Anyway, when did you last see Jesus?

366
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,955
Let me see. When the Romans came in.

367
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:49,957
Romans?

368
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:22,490
Jesus is our King!

369
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,743
-Jesus is our King!
-Say what?

370
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:28,621
Jesus is our King!

371
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,416
Put me down!

372
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,044
-Oh, God!
-Coming!

373
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:38,547
-Let me answer it.
-No. I'll do it.

374
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:41,926
I'm just fine! I'll solve this in no time!

375
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:44,887
Everything will work out fine!

376
00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:47,556
It's the Romans!
Everybody, leave through the back.

377
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,558
I love them! I'll talk to them.

378
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:56,065
Just tidy things up a little.
It's all good!

379
00:21:57,691 --> 00:21:58,818
Come on, that won't do!

380
00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:03,823
Guys, chill out! How do I look? Fine?

381
00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,491
Well, maybe not "fine," but...

382
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:06,534
How about my breath?

383
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:10,079
-You're in no condition to--
-Don't be silly. Guys!

384
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,872
Chillax!

385
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,499
Now, Jesus will...

386
00:22:13,916 --> 00:22:15,334
take the wheel!

387
00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:20,297
Hello, Mr. Roman.
Welcome to our humble abode.

388
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:24,260
<i>I choose God</i>

389
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:27,388
<i>God is my friend</i>

390
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:31,183
What the fuck is going on here?

391
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:35,020
We are gathered here to pray,

392
00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:39,775
all with a lot if pomegranate,
dates, gluten-free bread, love,

393
00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:41,485
and zero hashish.

394
00:22:42,653 --> 00:22:44,405
We were informed there was a party here.

395
00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:46,657
Here? No way.

396
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,952
A party? In this peaceful environment?

397
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,914
This must be a mistake.
Maybe some other tavern is throwing it.

398
00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:55,666
It happens to all of us!

399
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:59,545
This one time, I tried resurrecting a guy,
and it turned out he was just old.

400
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:00,546
It was here.

401
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:01,880
Documents, please.

402
00:23:02,590 --> 00:23:05,676
We're good citizens, sir.

403
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,220
Is that wine?

404
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:11,140
A cup with every meal is good
for the heart.

405
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,309
-One only.
-Poundme!

406
00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:15,978
-Pardon?
-My colleague, Poundme.

407
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:16,895
Yes?

408
00:23:17,855 --> 00:23:20,858
-Your name's "Pound Me"?
-What's so funny about that?

409
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:22,026
Is his last name "Hard"?

410
00:23:26,322 --> 00:23:27,197
What's the joke?

411
00:23:27,281 --> 00:23:30,409
-It reminded us of this joke, you know.
-What joke?

412
00:23:30,492 --> 00:23:32,828
Internal joke. You had to be there.

413
00:23:33,454 --> 00:23:37,750
-Now, Poundme!
-Use a nickname, for God's sake!

414
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,918
You better respect me!
I'm a relative of Biggus Dickus!

415
00:23:40,461 --> 00:23:43,213
-Playtime's over, you bozos!
-Hands on the table, now!

416
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,215
Come on!

417
00:23:45,299 --> 00:23:46,925
"Poundme"!

418
00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:49,136
Hands on the table, now!

419
00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:50,346
Look forward, punk!

420
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,848
Come on, dude. Let us off the hook.

421
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:54,099
Shut up!

422
00:23:54,183 --> 00:23:56,810
-Come on, pal...
-"Pal" my ass! I'm not your pal!

423
00:23:58,354 --> 00:24:00,397
-Son of a bitch!
-That's abuse of power!

424
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:04,526
I'm gonna raise my little hand, ya hear?

425
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:06,904
I'll work my magic!

426
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,198
-What's that over there?
-It's nothing.

427
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:13,827
-It's nothing!
-He's just a buddy of ours!

428
00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:16,121
He doesn't look like he's sleeping.

429
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:20,209
He just had too much to drink
and passed out!

430
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:24,505
He is dead.

431
00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:27,549
Dead? What the hell did you do?

432
00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:30,052
-You're all getting stoned and...
-The fuck?

433
00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:33,055
I was taking such a nice nap.
What happened?

434
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,973
-See? He's alive.
-Forget the drunkard. Poundme.

435
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:37,476
"Pound Me"? Your name is...

436
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:39,061
That hurts!

437
00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:40,229
He's the one doing that!

438
00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:44,066
-Messing with my insides...
-Are you okay?

439
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:48,654
I'm not! Just when I'm getting near
the light, he brings me back...

440
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:49,905
There it is!

441
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,662
It is his doing!
God, this burns like shit!

442
00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:59,415
Just let me go already, you bastard!

443
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:02,751
I'm getting there now! Someone pull me...

444
00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:04,336
Legs open, smartass!

445
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:07,840
-Come on...
-Legs, open!

446
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:12,302
-What are you guys up to?
-What's this in your pocket?

447
00:25:12,386 --> 00:25:14,680
Just a loaf of bread I keep there.

448
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:19,017
Two buns. Three buns. Four buns.

449
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:21,770
Are you making fun of me, damn it?
You want to get it?

450
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:25,274
Bun it up. All up in my buns.

451
00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:28,110
You messing with me?
Want to say that to my fists?

452
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:30,612
Who do you think you're talking to?

453
00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:33,198
Who the fuck you think you're talking to?

454
00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:35,159
Excuse me?

455
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,243
Do you know who my father is?

456
00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:38,787
Hope it's God, 'cause you're in deep shit.

457
00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,497
It's Joseph!

458
00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:45,586
-Joseph the carpenter?
-Joseph the carpenter!

459
00:25:46,837 --> 00:25:48,130
You're Joseph the carpenter's son?

460
00:25:49,006 --> 00:25:50,424
How's that for you?

461
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:51,675
Hey, Poundme.

462
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:53,761
You know that table in my place?
His dad made it!

463
00:25:53,844 --> 00:25:57,264
-And I bet it was with patina.
-It was a combo deal.

464
00:25:57,347 --> 00:25:59,892
-He's great with patina.
-Best in the land!

465
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:02,186
I stopped buying from him
because he became expensive.

466
00:26:02,269 --> 00:26:03,937
'Course it did!
Quality comes with a price.

467
00:26:04,021 --> 00:26:06,356
Bet that table will last
'till your next generation.

468
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,193
I'll abstain from kicking your ass
out of respect for Joseph.

469
00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:12,362
-Are we clear?
-Yes, we are clear.

470
00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:13,447
Good.

471
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:17,367
Thank you, sir, but what can we do
to settle things on our end

472
00:26:17,451 --> 00:26:20,078
so everyone can go home nice and happy?

473
00:26:20,621 --> 00:26:23,165
Well, that's up to you.

474
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:25,459
The Legion needs some funds.
Hard times and all.

475
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:28,212
Whatever you need, just say the word.

476
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:31,507
I don't know. What do you have to offer?

477
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:34,927
What a coincidence!
Our buddy there, the drunk one,

478
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:37,971
just before he blacked out, he said
his dream was to make a donation.

479
00:26:38,055 --> 00:26:39,598
-Right, James?
-Yeah!

480
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,099
-The other James.
-Yes?

481
00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:43,602
-Wasn't his dream to make a donation?
-Which one?

482
00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:47,105
-That bag of coins Diego had...
-Oh, yes!

483
00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:50,400
The donation he wanted to make
to the Roman Legion!

484
00:26:50,484 --> 00:26:52,277
-Of course!
-Now we're talking!

485
00:26:52,361 --> 00:26:53,529
Just let me find it.

486
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:56,448
Altruism's great.
Helping thy neighbor and all.

487
00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:58,617
-Here it is!
-There we go.

488
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:01,161
Come on, Poundme! Have a nice one, guys,

489
00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:03,455
-but this smartass is coming with me.
-What? Why?

490
00:27:03,539 --> 00:27:06,041
I need something to show to the Legion.

491
00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:09,086
-That's excessive!
-Come on, we had a deal!

492
00:27:09,586 --> 00:27:10,921
No!

493
00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:14,925
You can't leave, not before...

494
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:16,635
-Using our restroom!
-Restroom?

495
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,848
It's great stuff.
Porcelain walls, just amazing.

496
00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:24,893
There's even ice cubes and lemon
in the urinal. It's fun!

497
00:27:24,977 --> 00:27:27,062
Plus, there's not a single decent bathroom

498
00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:29,064
-from here to Jerusalem!
-True that!

499
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:31,400
You'll have to poop in the woods
and wipe it with myrrh...

500
00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:34,653
So just use our restroom. It has candy!

501
00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:35,988
Good idea.

502
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,448
Gotta fire some torpedoes.

503
00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:41,410
Bust a grumpy one.

504
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:43,287
If you need to go, go now, Poundme!

505
00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,706
No toilets on the road!

506
00:27:45,789 --> 00:27:49,751
Okay. Fill this bag.
It's only got 30 coins.

507
00:27:49,835 --> 00:27:50,794
You betcha!

508
00:27:50,878 --> 00:27:54,089
-Where's the bathroom door?
-Right there!

509
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:55,716
Can't miss it.

510
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:58,093
-This one?
-Yes, that one!

511
00:27:58,176 --> 00:28:01,013
-But shut the door behind you!
-Right.

512
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:11,440
Happy now? Now the tiger's full

513
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,775
and won't eat stupid Diego!

514
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:17,279
-Bartholomew! Bury that sack of crap.
-Aw, man...!

515
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:18,739
-I'm sorry.
-Shut up.

516
00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:23,577
Guys! Automatic wine refill!

517
00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:26,038
Whoever chugs it first wins! Let's do it!

518
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:29,583
Stop! This is the last round, you hear?

519
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:34,046
-Aw, shit!
-How could you lose Jesus?

520
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:36,423
That's what we're trying to figure out.

521
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:37,799
-James?
-Yes?

522
00:28:37,883 --> 00:28:40,344
Dude, it's never you!
Whenever someone says, "James,"

523
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,804
it's the other James!
No one cares about you! Or likes you!

524
00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:44,640
You're the most uninteresting person here!

525
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:47,017
"Soraya" would be more evocative of you
than "James"!

526
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:50,062
People say "James"?
It's always the other one!

527
00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:52,439
-Don't listen to him.
-Thomas is so rude today!

528
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:54,358
I did mean the smaller James.

529
00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:56,026
See? What is it?

530
00:28:56,109 --> 00:28:58,445
-Get me some water, yeah?
-Okay.

531
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:01,615
Maybe some more Romans came in
and took Jesus.

532
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:03,617
-We would know if they did.
-Would we?

533
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:06,662
And now news from Judas. Wake up, damn it!

534
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:09,957
When did Judas get drunk?
When I left, he was still sober.

535
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:11,500
Here's your water.

536
00:29:17,214 --> 00:29:19,549
What the fuck?

537
00:29:20,509 --> 00:29:22,552
-Jesus?
-No, it's the tavern's owner.

538
00:29:22,970 --> 00:29:24,930
How did he end up
hanging from the ceiling?

539
00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:27,891
I'm gonna fucking murder you--

540
00:29:27,975 --> 00:29:30,560
Easy there! Temper!

541
00:29:30,644 --> 00:29:34,439
I'd be mad, too. By the smell of it,
he tried crapping before pissing on us.

542
00:29:34,523 --> 00:29:36,817
-There, speak.
-I'ma shove a cactus up your asses!

543
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:40,946
-Easy, man.
-"Easy," my ass!

544
00:29:41,029 --> 00:29:42,197
I was stuck up there for eight hours!

545
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:45,033
-How did you get up there?
-It was that son of a bitch's idea!

546
00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:47,244
-What son of a bitch?
-Jesus!

547
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:51,206
You can't call Jesus a son of a bitch!

548
00:29:51,290 --> 00:29:53,000
-Whose idea?
-One of your drunk asses, maybe?

549
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:55,043
So you're saying we tied you up there?

550
00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:57,379
-It was James's dare.
-Me?

551
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,214
No, the other one. He gave Jesus the idea.

552
00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:03,343
-I'm fucking clueless again.
-James can't do dares.

553
00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:05,637
You're after Jesus, right? You should.

554
00:30:05,721 --> 00:30:08,515
After that "spin the bottle,"
shit got real.

555
00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:16,273
Spin it, and... stop!

556
00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:18,817
Truth or dare?

557
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,989
I dunno. Truth. Why not?

558
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:30,620
Peter, which Apostle would you screw?

559
00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,960
Come on, guys, don't ask that.
It's not cool.

560
00:30:37,044 --> 00:30:38,795
Oh, no, now it's getting fun!

561
00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:42,924
He can't answer that. We're all pals here,
how could we choose...?

562
00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:46,678
-Thaddaeus.
-You go, Thaddaeus!

563
00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:49,056
You're getting some tonight!

564
00:30:51,516 --> 00:30:52,809
Thaddaeus?

565
00:30:52,893 --> 00:30:56,104
Yeah, Thaddaeus.
I had to choose, so I chose him.

566
00:30:56,188 --> 00:31:00,025
You had 11 options
and you chose Thaddaeus,

567
00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:02,319
the Apostle who hasn't
said a thing all night?

568
00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:04,404
A supporting character at best,
an extra at worst?

569
00:31:04,488 --> 00:31:07,282
Sorry, but you are.
You're just here 'cause Jesus wanted 12.

570
00:31:07,366 --> 00:31:08,950
Hey, Thaddaeus is cool!

571
00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:11,953
Yeah, he's cool,
but you know, so is Thomas.

572
00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:14,373
James is cool, too. We all are.
Don't you think so?

573
00:31:14,456 --> 00:31:17,042
Come on, man, relax. It's just a game!

574
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:20,504
Fuck that! If Peter has a fling
with Thaddaeus, I want to know why!

575
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:24,007
Answer it, Peter!
You picked "truth," so tell it.

576
00:31:24,091 --> 00:31:26,051
What is going on here?

577
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:29,054
Well, Jesus,
Peter is throwing away four years of...

578
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,347
Hey! Guys! Look at the bottle!

579
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,558
-It's Judas's turn!
-Judas!

580
00:31:35,268 --> 00:31:38,772
-Sorry. I was about to leave.
-Wait up! What gives?

581
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:41,608
I'm tired. I have to get up
early tomorrow, so...

582
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,694
-Just one last drink!
-I didn't even have a first drink.

583
00:31:44,778 --> 00:31:48,490
-You're such a stick in the mud!
-No, I just can't handle my alcohol.

584
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:52,411
You little faggot! Faggot!

585
00:31:52,494 --> 00:31:55,539
-Faggot!
-Faggot!

586
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:58,125
That is not a cool thing to say, Jesus.

587
00:31:58,208 --> 00:32:01,503
-I have a lot to do tomorrow morning.
-Have a glass of water at least!

588
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:02,754
Do that and I'll let you go.

589
00:32:03,213 --> 00:32:06,049
-A glass of water?
-Yeah, just to humor us.

590
00:32:06,133 --> 00:32:08,593
Oh, I see. You'll turn it to wine
on its way to my stomach.

591
00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:09,803
No, I won't.

592
00:32:10,137 --> 00:32:14,933
-I've seen you do it before.
-I'm not going to this time!

593
00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:16,726
-It's just a glass of water?
-Yes.

594
00:32:16,810 --> 00:32:18,353
-You won't turn it into wine?
-I won't.

595
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:19,563
Okay, then.

596
00:32:19,980 --> 00:32:23,984
I turned it into absinthe, bitches!

597
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:27,612
Come on! It's James's turn!

598
00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:31,741
-I'll tell the truth.
-It isn't your turn!

599
00:32:31,825 --> 00:32:33,785
-Truth or dare?
-Dare.

600
00:32:33,869 --> 00:32:36,663
Playtime's over!
I need you out of here now!

601
00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:37,873
The Romans are coming back at any minute.

602
00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:40,959
-Come on, just 30 more minutes.
-Two minutes.

603
00:32:41,042 --> 00:32:45,046
People have died here!
And look how Judas is!

604
00:32:45,255 --> 00:32:47,924
He's in a coma!
And the toilet's clogged with blood!

605
00:32:48,008 --> 00:32:50,218
It's over. Out of here, now!

606
00:32:50,302 --> 00:32:53,263
-Now, Jesus!
-Hey, don't you talk to me like this,

607
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:55,098
or I'm raising my little hand!

608
00:32:55,182 --> 00:32:57,517
-Calm down.
-I'll raise my hand...

609
00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:01,521
Easy, Jesus! Bartholomew isn't even back
from his first grave digging yet!

610
00:33:01,605 --> 00:33:04,357
You said "dare," right?
So here's what we'll do.

611
00:33:04,441 --> 00:33:07,527
I dare you to tie the tavern's owner
to the ceiling.

612
00:33:07,611 --> 00:33:09,571
-What?
-Or else...?

613
00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:13,366
Or else I'll write in the New Testament
that James the Apostle

614
00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:15,744
-was a cocksucker!
-That's just being an asshole!

615
00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:16,745
That's it!

616
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:19,498
-Just specify which James, please.
-I'll leave it ambiguous!

617
00:33:19,748 --> 00:33:22,709
People in the future will decide!

618
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:26,296
Spin the bottle!

619
00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:38,141
It's pointing at me!

620
00:33:39,768 --> 00:33:41,144
Truth or dare?

621
00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:45,690
Ask him what the Devil did
to tempt him in the desert.

622
00:33:45,774 --> 00:33:49,528
Dare! I'm not falling for that!

623
00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:53,615
-Just spin that bottle again.
-Wait, what's the dare?

624
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:55,825
-Forget it, Jesus.
-Why?

625
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:01,790
Well, you're Jesus.

626
00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,919
So what? Did you forget my origins?

627
00:34:06,294 --> 00:34:08,880
We're all birds of a feather, dude!

628
00:34:08,964 --> 00:34:11,967
It's me! Jesus Christ!

629
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:14,261
JC Superstar! Come on.

630
00:34:14,344 --> 00:34:15,845
-You want to fuck shit up?
-I do!

631
00:34:15,929 --> 00:34:19,975
-You're gonna fuck shit up!
-I'm all for it!

632
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:23,562
I dare you! I double dare you...

633
00:34:23,645 --> 00:34:26,982
-to say the alphabet backwards!
-What?

634
00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:30,151
-That's hardcore!
-It's a hard one.

635
00:34:30,235 --> 00:34:32,946
It is pretty hard. Let me try.

636
00:34:33,530 --> 00:34:36,825
Z, Y, M...

637
00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,035
Oops, got it wrong already!

638
00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:40,829
What the hell are you talking about?

639
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:44,499
Are you scared of daring me
to do something?

640
00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:47,085
-Of course not!
-No, no.

641
00:34:47,168 --> 00:34:51,172
-I'll dare you again to prove it.
-Lay it on me.

642
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:54,342
I dare you to wash everybody's feet!
Especially Simon's!

643
00:34:54,426 --> 00:34:56,469
I just threw up on my foot!

644
00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:57,971
I dare you to that!

645
00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:00,557
-Cut it out!
-The fuck?

646
00:35:02,392 --> 00:35:04,394
The fuck is this? What's going on?

647
00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:06,896
I don't even recognize you anymore!

648
00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:10,900
It'll be in the Bible, "Jesus had
12 Apostles who were 12 lame fuckers."

649
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:14,613
Where are those 12 badass Apostles
who'd follow me

650
00:35:14,696 --> 00:35:15,905
and always test me?

651
00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,950
Our relationship
is getting samey as hell!

652
00:35:19,034 --> 00:35:22,370
It became a boring routine!
I say "amen," you say "hallelujah"!

653
00:35:22,454 --> 00:35:28,168
I want you to say, "Fuck 'amen.'
I'm all up in this shit!"

654
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:30,253
Where's the ping-pong?
I'm pinging and getting no pong!

655
00:35:30,337 --> 00:35:33,548
I want you to dare me to do crazy shit!

656
00:35:33,632 --> 00:35:35,342
Look at this nail!

657
00:35:35,425 --> 00:35:38,637
-This is so unnecessary.
-Jesus, don't.

658
00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:40,305
I want a crazy-ass game!

659
00:35:40,388 --> 00:35:41,389
Eyes closed!

660
00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:44,893
That's dangerous, Jesus!

661
00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:46,811
Call Mary.

662
00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:49,856
That's right, yo! Who else wants to try?

663
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:53,193
-Come on.
-Jesus.

664
00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:54,819
Take the nail, Simon.

665
00:35:54,903 --> 00:35:57,364
Take it!

666
00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:58,907
-Come on.
-Let's not...

667
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:00,992
Now! Nail between the fingers!

668
00:36:01,076 --> 00:36:03,411
And I want it 500 fucking miles an hour!

669
00:36:04,746 --> 00:36:06,665
I said now!

670
00:36:07,248 --> 00:36:11,461
Guess I'll have to ask Thaddaeus
to nail Peter, 'cause, boy, can he nail!

671
00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:13,463
Fucking asshole!

672
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:17,717
You know blood gets me a little nervous...

673
00:36:19,844 --> 00:36:21,846
What have you done, Simon?

674
00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:25,308
Isn't he the big shot?
Then big shoot this!

675
00:36:25,809 --> 00:36:28,645
-Help me remove the nail...
-No, don't.

676
00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:31,064
Didn't he want something
that'd surprise him?

677
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:34,401
He said we weren't daring, that we had
to do something to test him.

678
00:36:34,484 --> 00:36:37,237
Here's the thing.
You, get three more nails.

679
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,114
You, get those two beams that fell down.

680
00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:40,782
-I'm lost...
-Listen!

681
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:44,703
We're going to do what we did
to the kids in boarding school.

682
00:36:44,786 --> 00:36:47,288
When they drank too much,
we'd make them into scarecrows.

683
00:36:47,372 --> 00:36:49,999
Tying them up, so that the next day,

684
00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:52,669
they'd wake up with vultures
pecking at their heads!

685
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:55,171
That's just low blood pressure!

686
00:36:55,255 --> 00:36:57,590
-Isn't that prank kind of extreme?
-He'll love it!

687
00:36:57,966 --> 00:37:00,260
Jesus has a sense of humor.
He won't get mad.

688
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:02,429
We'll show him the daring Apostles!

689
00:37:02,512 --> 00:37:05,223
-He can regenerate that wound.
-He can, can't he?

690
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:07,350
Let's just do it. What could go wrong?

691
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:11,646
What the shit have we done?

692
00:37:12,439 --> 00:37:14,232
He's going to kill us!

693
00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:16,234
Great idea, Thomas!

694
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:19,779
You agreed to it!
It made sense at the time.

695
00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:22,282
And who are those two other guys?

696
00:37:22,532 --> 00:37:25,201
They look like those beggars
who sleep in front of the bar.

697
00:37:27,454 --> 00:37:29,789
That crown of thorns,
I think it could've done without it.

698
00:37:29,873 --> 00:37:32,667
Too much detail ruins it.

699
00:37:32,876 --> 00:37:35,044
Oh, Magdalene. Hey, you.

700
00:37:35,128 --> 00:37:38,715
-Cheer up.
-He changed my life!

701
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:42,010
He changed ours, too.

702
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:44,053
You knew Dimas, too?

703
00:37:44,137 --> 00:37:46,556
-Who's Dimas?
-The one in the right.

704
00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:50,810
No, we're talking about Jesus.
The one in the middle.

705
00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:52,562
Where do you know Dimas from?

706
00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:54,731
He was my first customer!

707
00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:56,816
I am who I am today
because of his word of mouth.

708
00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:59,360
My head is killing me!

709
00:37:59,903 --> 00:38:02,614
I've never been this hung over!

710
00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:04,157
What are you...?

711
00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:06,826
What happened here?

712
00:38:07,118 --> 00:38:09,120
Who did this to the Messiah?

713
00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:12,665
-It was...
-Actually...

714
00:38:12,749 --> 00:38:13,917
It was you!

715
00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:18,338
-Me?
-Happy now, Judas?

716
00:38:18,421 --> 00:38:21,299
-Yeah!
-It was you!

717
00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:24,552
-When?
-After you chugged that drink!

718
00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:29,015
Oh, God! I don't remember a thing
after that drink!

719
00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:31,476
You monster!

720
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:33,228
-Hold on, there!
-"Hold on"?

721
00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:36,856
Our King stands there crucified,
by your Judas hands!

722
00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:38,274
How can we "hold on"?

723
00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:39,609
Yeah!

724
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:41,653
But why would I do that?

725
00:38:42,070 --> 00:38:44,322
-For money!
-Damn it, Judas!

726
00:38:44,405 --> 00:38:46,658
He did it for money!

727
00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,284
-Traitor!
-I'm sorry, my Lord...

728
00:38:48,368 --> 00:38:51,746
-Out of our sight!
-Leave!

729
00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:55,166
Get that traitor now!

730
00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:57,043
-Murderer!
-Murderer!

731
00:38:57,752 --> 00:39:03,132
Bartholomew, just hide that old corpse
for three days until things settle down.

732
00:39:03,967 --> 00:39:04,801
James!

733
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:08,304
Jesus? You're alive?

734
00:39:08,388 --> 00:39:09,848
Did Judas believe I was dead?

735
00:39:09,931 --> 00:39:12,934
'Course he did!
He was just chased off by a mob!

736
00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:15,854
Is that a dare or what?

737
00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:17,730
Judas just got a rope.
That don't look good.

738
00:39:17,814 --> 00:39:20,149
-Gotta learn with the master!
-He just wants attention!

739
00:39:20,233 --> 00:39:23,987
Now get me down from here.
My hernia's acting up.

740
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:26,698
Good God...

741
00:39:28,698 --> 00:39:30,698
iDelete~