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- >be me, bonkvs bonkinivs
- >i'm with my friend, Picklvs Horse-manicvs
- >we're at work
- >our job is to stab the people who have been crucified to make sure they're dead
- >one day
- >i'm stabbing a guy
- >and he's a real gusher
- >a big ol' river of water and blood shoot out of him
- >he sprays me down
- >i say HEY! IS THIS A PRANK?
- >he's still geysering
- >i bring pickle homer over to look
- >he says yeah that ain't right
- >we're so fired
- >i climb up and try to stopper up the blood and water geyser
- >i finally plug a hoof in there
- >i shout down to pickle homer to get a towel
- >while i'm waiting i feel a little tickle in my hoof
- >it reminds me of when i had stigmata as a baby
- >i think my stigmata is acting up
- >o no
- >i feel my stigmata opening back up
- >blood water is gushing into my stigmata
- >i'm filling up
- >i'm bloating
- >i'm like a beachball
- >i keep filling up
- >i hear a pop
- >i'm disconnected from the blood water geyser
- >i start rolling
- >i start rolling down the hill
- >i'm bowling over all the crucified people
- >now i'm really going to get fired!
- >i roll into the valley
- >i roll up the next hill
- >i'm throwing cruficixions left and right
- >i can't stop
- >someone ccalls me a spicy meat-o-ball
- ---------------------------
- >be me, bonky
- >i'm hanging out with my pal, Pickle Homer
- >he turned into a human woman
- >he's Pickle Wo-man
- >he told me to kill him if he ever turned into a human woman
- >but instead i'm just hanging out with him i mean her
- >we're cuddling
- >we're snuzzling
- >we're telling cheeky stories about coworkers
- >we're talking over clever solutions to perplexing social dynamics
- >we're discussing vast complexes of advanced articulated nesting patterns
- >we're having such a good time
- >i remember a conversation i had with pickle homer
- >about women's intelligence
- >i say we should test Pickle Woman's IQ
- >she says sure
- >she tests way higher than Pickle Horseman ever did
- >she tests into MENSA
- >she rearranges all the elements of Pickle Horseman's life into perfect harmony
- >she perfectly cleans and orders our house
- >she gets a highly technical job developing long-lasting food formulas
- >she eliminates a lot of food insecurity throughout the world
- >she even gets me paying some of the rent with the money i get from doing her laundry and cooking for her
- >everything is so nice!
- >she gets me a smoking jacket
- >she gets me a pipe
- >she gets me a big velvet armchair and ottoman
- >she gets me a salt lamp that glows really nice
- >she brings me the morning paper
- >she makes me smarter
- >so i can read the paper now
- >and i can take out the trash
- >pickle homer and i used to just leave the trash all over the house
- >but now i take it out every tuesday
- >one day she comes to me and tells me she has a disease
- >she has rapid onset masculinity
- >i don't understand
- >not smart enough to understand
- >i think she's breaking up with me
- >i run away crying
- >she works hard to the very end
- >but i won't talk to her
- >one day i see her in bed
- >she looks really sick
- >she turns back into pickle homer
- >i never get to say goodbye
- >pickle homer gets up
- >he asks me what i did to the house
- >he asks me where all his trash is
- >he hits me with an aluminum baseball bat
- >he withdraws from all agreements on his patents because he says patents are works of the devil
- >trash starts to fill up in our house
- >he keeps stealing licks from my special salt lamp until it's just a lightbulb
- >one day we're watching the news
- >it's our favorite primetime news personality
- >he's the heart of the national discourse
- >he says that women and women as a whole
- >exist to serve and aid men
- >we laugh out loud
- >we giggle like gilligans
- >pickle says "that is so me, dude"
- >me says "that is also so me"
- >we are very much the same
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