Accidental Love (2015) Eng

1
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Thanks.

2
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That's good for business.

3
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Thank you.

4
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Excuse me!

5
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That's a hell of a move, darling.
I never get tired of it.

6
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- Thanks, Mom.
- Maybe take your hair down.

7
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- Why?
- Scott came to see us yesterday.

8
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What does that have to do with my hair?
Did he come and get his belt sander?

9
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No. He came to get our blessings.

10
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What?

11
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Wow.

12
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Hi, Scott.

13
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He is so awesome. What a dreamboat.
You get everything.

14
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Nobody gets everything, Brenda. You hang in there.

15
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- Vintage Cruising Night looks great.
- Yeah, it does.

16
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You notice anything... different?

17
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Maybe how you're feeling today
or how I'm feeling today?

18
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Nah, I got the... got the...

19
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Oh, you got the new Bluetooth Oakleys.
Oh, that's exciting.

20
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It is exciting. But guess who had to pay
for them? Me. Can you believe that?

21
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- Oh, that's so not right.
- Well, it's the principle.

22
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We shouldn't have to pay to do our jobs.

23
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80% of police authority comes
from controlling eye contact

24
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like I'm doing here right here with you. See?

25
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Anyway... I wanna talk about tonight.

26
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- OK.
- I'm taking you to a special dinner.

27
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Got your shift covered. Don't worry
about it. I already talked to Bobby.

28
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- Right now?
- Right now.

29
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- Where we going?
- Only the best restaurant in town.

30
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- No way.
- Yeah, The Fancy Gondola.

31
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- So cool.
- It's right there.

32
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All these people, most of them are like lawyers,

33
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- and professionals, and judges, and stuff.
- Wow.

34
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Alice...

35
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This was voted best alfredo in
Smith County three years in a row.

36
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- We've been dating for... what, eight months now?
- Yeah?

37
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And I will never forget the first
day you skated up to my motorcycle.

38
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And our eyes met.

39
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Excuse me, do you know how long it's gonna be?

40
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Yeah, about 25 minutes, tops.

41
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- I don't mind if you eat while I work.
- Let's just move to another table.

42
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No, no, we're not moving. They
don't have anything else.

43
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This is the best table. It's the Gondola table.

44
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- It's the Gondola table.
- It's romantic.

45
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- It's very romantic.
- Took me two weeks to get it.

46
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Or I would have been doing this two weeks ago.

47
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Alice, I love you for who you are.

48
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For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health.

49
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- You are my precious honeycomb cluster.
- Excuse me, sir. Is there an issue?

50
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- The ambiance is a little nail gunning.
- Right.

51
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I planned this with your restaurant. I
don't know why this is all happening.

52
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Who's the genius who decided to do
construction during all of this?

53
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This is outrageous. I can't-I
can't believe this. This is...

54
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- My whole marriage proposal's ruined.
- No, it's not, Scotty. Go, go.

55
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Alright, we're very sorry, sir.
Just bear with us another minute.

56
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Oh, it's too tight.

57
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I mean, it's perfect. I mean, my finger's too big.

58
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The honeycomb cluster does have large knuckles.

59
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Yes, yes, I will marry you.

60
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From the bottom of my heart...

61
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it would be my honor to be...

62
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It's imbedded deep in the forward
part of the left front lobe.

63
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Two inches below the scalp.

64
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We have to be extremely careful, or
she could be brain damaged, for life.

65
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Wait! She has no insurance. Shut it down.

66
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Thank you, Arlene. You're an angel.

67
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Oh, I'm starving. Where'd those hamburgers go?

68
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You have to operate. This is an emergency.

69
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Emergency. That's a very interesting word.

70
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A gunshot wound, or the belly is
bleeding, that's an emergency.

71
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This girl's not bleeding. She can
get up and walk right out of here.

72
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Might be an emergency, in a week
or a month, but not today. Also...

73
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I am sick and tired of uninsured
25-year-olds coming in here,

74
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and expecting our services, for free.

75
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Plus, we're liable, which means
we could end up paying you.

76
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Why don't you just file a lawsuit
against The Fancy Gondola?

77
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With the courts and all, it
would take years to collect.

78
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Wait. How much could this cost, anyway?

79
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How could it be $150,000 to pull a nail out?

80
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It's brain surgery.

81
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It's stuck in the sesamoid bone that's
behind the nose. It's deep. It's not good.

82
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Maybe we could get married and
then I can be on Scott's plan.

83
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OK, then the nail would be a preexisting
condition and the insurer won't pay.

84
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Well, what if we just leave it in there?

85
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You know, I-I think I-I feel like
I've seen this on the Internet.

86
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You know, some rocker dude has nails
in his head and he's fine. I could be fine.

87
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It depends on where it is. And
yours is in a super unlucky place.

88
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OK, how unlucky are we talking, Doc? I
deal with odds on a daily basis, OK?

89
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That's my job. What are the odds of
Alice being completely messed up?

90
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She could lose mouth motor
control, have slurred speech.

91
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Have a lifetime of heavy drooling.

92
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Not a fun wife.

93
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Well, our love is stronger
than that, right, Scotty?

94
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Scotty? Scotty?

95
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Let's just s-see what the doctors have to say.

96
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Another option, if the nail
shifts within the lobe, uh...

97
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then she's likely to lose
all kinds of inhibitions.

98
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- Oh, that's really good, right?
- Yeah, that could be good.

99
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Frankly, that's, uh... kind of a pain in the ass.

100
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Might be good for sex.

101
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Wow! Now, maybe I can finally have an orgasm.

102
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OK, honey. So, private.

103
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I already told you that 50 to 60% of women
don't have orgasms from intercourse.

104
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What about you starting gentle like I asked?

105
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And then taking it at the
angle that I really like?

106
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Anyway, so.

107
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The nail in this lobe, um, could actually

108
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cause her fits of panic, um, unpredictable moments

109
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- of wrath, rage, anger.
- Ah, yeah, I read that same article.

110
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And she could start speaking, uh...
fragments of a foreign language

111
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that maybe she was exposed to as a child.

112
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It's crazy, but it happens.
I've seen it once before.

113
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Oh, my God. Remember Portuguese
Jimena, my babysitter?

114
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I wanted her to be in the bridesmaid.

115
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Yeah, yeah, Jimena...

116
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- yeah, the babysitter.
- What are you doing?

117
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Needs to be resized, right?

118
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Well, are we still engaged?

119
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- Let's just...
- We are, right?

120
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Let's focus on fixing your head, right now.
And take it from there, OK?

121
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This will give you good luck for now.

122
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Did you just exchange her
engagement ring for a chicken foot?

123
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OK, first of all, it's a hawk talon. It's
very meaningful to me. Alice knows that.

124
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It's brought me great luck over
the years... 90% of the time.

125
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How's my baby?

126
00:10:05,678 --> 00:10:10,116
- Oh, Mom. Dad.
- Oh, baby.

127
00:10:10,616 --> 00:10:13,253
Will you please pay for my surgery?

128
00:10:13,353 --> 00:10:16,939
- Well, sure we will.
- Hawk talon's working already.

129
00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:20,925
- How much is it?
- 150,000.

130
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150,000?

131
00:10:24,997 --> 00:10:27,467
We don't have that kind of money.

132
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,702
I thought I was on your health plan.

133
00:10:29,802 --> 00:10:32,238
Oh, no, baby. That stopped
when you were 22, remember?

134
00:10:32,338 --> 00:10:37,809
We gave you the choice to have
basic healthcare or a credit card

135
00:10:37,909 --> 00:10:40,965
- that Daddy would pay up to 500 a year.
- Yeah. I remember.

136
00:10:41,065 --> 00:10:43,482
At the time, I thought the
credit card sounded more fun,

137
00:10:43,582 --> 00:10:46,780
but now I think insurance sounds like more fun.

138
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That's the way it goes.

139
00:10:48,187 --> 00:10:51,457
Bob, we could take out a second
mortgage on the house to pay for this.

140
00:10:51,557 --> 00:10:53,326
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

141
00:10:53,426 --> 00:10:57,696
No, no, no. We already have a
second mortgage on the house.

142
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Well, didn't somebody get engaged today?

143
00:11:01,217 --> 00:11:03,636
- That's... that's on... hold.
- What?

144
00:11:03,736 --> 00:11:05,638
- Yeah.
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

145
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- You are still engaged.
- We're going to fix that.

146
00:11:07,073 --> 00:11:10,343
We're going to fix that lickety-split.
We're going to fix it.

147
00:11:10,443 --> 00:11:12,712
You're engaged. We'll have a fundraiser.

148
00:11:22,555 --> 00:11:24,454
You look good.

149
00:11:27,527 --> 00:11:29,929
- Hi, Alice.
- Welcome. Read about the brain surgery.

150
00:11:30,029 --> 00:11:32,565
Hi, read about the brain surgery? How are you?
Read about the brain surgery?

151
00:11:32,665 --> 00:11:34,628
- Here you go. Don't lose that.
- Hey you.

152
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:37,216
- Hey, Brenda, how are ya?
- You look good.

153
00:11:37,316 --> 00:11:40,070
So do you. Read about the brain surgery?
There's yours.

154
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:45,611
Oh, that spongy feeling is hard to resist.

155
00:11:45,711 --> 00:11:47,046
That's your brain, you know.

156
00:11:47,146 --> 00:11:49,949
Yeah, that's my brain. So
please stop pushing on it.

157
00:11:50,049 --> 00:11:53,086
- I am a doctor, remember?
- An animal doctor.

158
00:11:53,186 --> 00:11:56,256
- Cows can't tell you when it hurts.
- They can tell me.

159
00:11:56,356 --> 00:11:59,392
Alice, some other people with
uninsured injuries have shown up.

160
00:11:59,492 --> 00:12:01,794
What? Why can't they get their own fundraisers?

161
00:12:01,894 --> 00:12:04,968
No, I think they're here to support you.
It's like a solidarity thing.

162
00:12:05,068 --> 00:12:08,001
- You remember Reverend Norm?
- Hi.

163
00:12:08,101 --> 00:12:10,971
Sorry I haven't been to church in, like,
seven years. I've been pretty busy.

164
00:12:11,071 --> 00:12:14,256
Well, maybe this crisis will bring you
back to God. As it brought Keyshawn.

165
00:12:14,356 --> 00:12:17,644
My own crisis has driven me away. I'm
on a little sabbatical at the moment.

166
00:12:17,744 --> 00:12:20,480
They put him on indefinite leave
because of his medical situation.

167
00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:23,416
- It was a sabbatical.
- They forced him to take a break.

168
00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:26,318
- OK, that's not important.
- Oh, it's important.

169
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He prayed to God to save his 40-year-old marriage.

170
00:12:29,655 --> 00:12:32,058
And God answered with Viagra and Cialis.

171
00:12:32,158 --> 00:12:35,962
And that didn't work. And then he
answered with an experimental super pill.

172
00:12:36,062 --> 00:12:38,965
- I signed a waiver.
- You see this?

173
00:12:39,565 --> 00:12:41,601
- No one wants to hear this.
- Wow.

174
00:12:42,201 --> 00:12:46,806
- OK, super. Let's, uh... let's go, Scott.
- OK.

175
00:12:46,906 --> 00:12:49,675
Did you see the size of that
preacher's basket. Whoa.

176
00:12:50,175 --> 00:12:53,479
Hi, everyone. I just want to thank you
all for coming. You're all under arrest.

177
00:12:55,081 --> 00:12:59,018
Just kidding. I just wanted to say that
it's time to make a request for donations.

178
00:12:59,118 --> 00:13:00,686
So I wanted to say that...

179
00:13:01,821 --> 00:13:05,558
Sorry. Sorry. Alice, the speakers aren't
wired right. Fix something, please.

180
00:13:05,658 --> 00:13:09,679
OK, I've prepared some remarks. Please don't leave.
Why is everyone leaving?

181
00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:12,198
6.33, 6.34.

182
00:13:12,298 --> 00:13:14,287
Some stupid change from Cousin Al.

183
00:13:14,387 --> 00:13:16,872
Does the bank even cash a check for a dollar?

184
00:13:16,972 --> 00:13:20,707
That's from Jim. People said they woulda gave
more if it was another organ like a kidney.

185
00:13:20,807 --> 00:13:23,075
What's she supposed to do?
Stick a nail in her liver?

186
00:13:23,175 --> 00:13:25,545
I specifically asked for the
speakers to be wired...

187
00:13:25,645 --> 00:13:27,113
- I tried.
- It's not cool when you can't get

188
00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:29,081
financial backing from white people.

189
00:13:29,181 --> 00:13:32,001
We'll just have to get the funds the
old-fashioned way. Work and save.

190
00:13:32,101 --> 00:13:33,719
I can't. I got fired.

191
00:13:40,059 --> 00:13:41,761
That's bad for business.

192
00:13:41,861 --> 00:13:46,466
Nobody gets everything, remember, Alice?
Hang in there.

193
00:13:46,566 --> 00:13:49,035
There's gotta be something we can do.

194
00:13:49,135 --> 00:13:52,738
News flash, I've been a large
animal vet for 23 years.

195
00:13:52,838 --> 00:13:57,043
I've seen pitchforks and backhoes imbedded
in cow heads. I think I can handle this.

196
00:13:59,612 --> 00:14:01,881
I do not approve. You do not
have my consent, Alice.

197
00:14:01,981 --> 00:14:05,718
This nail is coming between you and me
and everything, Scotty. It's got to go.

198
00:14:05,818 --> 00:14:07,287
If something goes wrong, don't blame me.

199
00:14:07,287 --> 00:14:10,657
Hey! I don't want talk like
that in my operating theater.

200
00:14:11,157 --> 00:14:12,892
- Not my fault.
- Anesthesia.

201
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:17,396
- Pass the anesthesia.
- It's how the cowboys did it.

202
00:14:18,230 --> 00:14:21,601
- Hey, why are you drinking that?
- Yeah. Why is the doctor drinking?

203
00:14:21,701 --> 00:14:24,303
- Steadies the hands.
- I like her.

204
00:14:24,403 --> 00:14:27,907
- Maybe she could do us next, Rev.
- Uhh, let's, uh, let's see how this goes, first.

205
00:14:28,007 --> 00:14:31,844
Google doesn't show much similarity
between a cow brain and a human brain.

206
00:14:31,944 --> 00:14:34,580
Google's not always right, you know.
Neither is Wikipedia.

207
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,048
I think kids just make up stuff there.

208
00:14:36,148 --> 00:14:37,417
- Reverend, please.
- Prayer.

209
00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:42,522
Bless this crazy, scary ramshackle operation.
Guide Rita's hands. Protect Alice, Amen.

210
00:14:42,622 --> 00:14:45,358
OK, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take these tweezers...

211
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:49,195
and I'm gonna go in about
three-and-a-half to four centimeters.

212
00:14:49,395 --> 00:14:50,796
And I'm gonna find that nail.

213
00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:56,740
I have to...

214
00:14:57,770 --> 00:15:00,783
I gotta get down in there pretty...

215
00:15:01,141 --> 00:15:04,567
What? I can't even see the nail, exactly.

216
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,713
- God, I hope I'm not just making the hole bigger.
- Then stop!

217
00:15:07,813 --> 00:15:09,615
Wait, wait!

218
00:15:10,215 --> 00:15:14,050
- We're hitting nail.
- OK.

219
00:15:14,653 --> 00:15:17,161
- You can do this.
- Good.

220
00:15:18,524 --> 00:15:21,327
I got it, got it, got it. Oh, I lost the grip.

221
00:15:22,039 --> 00:15:24,096
- Come on.
- I lost it.

222
00:15:24,196 --> 00:15:27,033
It's like a watermelon seed. You know, slip...

223
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:28,768
Damn, Alice!

224
00:15:28,868 --> 00:15:32,371
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

225
00:15:35,942 --> 00:15:39,590
- Son of a bitch! I hate all you people!
- Alice! Wha...

226
00:15:42,348 --> 00:15:45,718
- Jesus, it's like the exorcist.
- Damn it, Rita, you hit the angry brain part.

227
00:15:45,818 --> 00:15:48,954
- You disturbed the nail, Rita!
- I did the best I could with what I had!

228
00:15:49,054 --> 00:15:51,104
I'm just scared. I'm really scared.
Where's my brain?

229
00:15:51,204 --> 00:15:52,948
- What happened to her face?
- What happened to my face?

230
00:15:53,048 --> 00:15:56,462
It's just soot, baby. Now, everybody
back up and give her some room.

231
00:15:56,562 --> 00:15:59,298
That's what we do with a mad cow.
That is what we do.

232
00:15:59,398 --> 00:16:01,601
Alright, you got to treat this
like an unpredictable gunman.

233
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:05,135
Engage and contain. You all stay back. Alice?

234
00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:10,076
We're just two people talkin' here, right?
No one needs to get hurt today.

235
00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:11,577
- Scott, I'm so nervous.
- I'm going to help.

236
00:16:11,677 --> 00:16:13,679
Give me the poker.

237
00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:18,217
And do exactly as I say. I want
you to breath in... and breath out.

238
00:16:18,417 --> 00:16:20,953
You work for the government. Can you
have the government fix my head?

239
00:16:21,053 --> 00:16:22,555
That's an insane thought. Block it out.

240
00:16:22,655 --> 00:16:25,091
"Oh, the government has to pay
for my Bluetooth Oakleys,

241
00:16:25,191 --> 00:16:27,493
and my photon tasers, but
to pay for Alice's surgery,

242
00:16:27,593 --> 00:16:29,962
that's insane because we had to sit
at the dangerous Gondola table."

243
00:16:30,062 --> 00:16:32,632
That table is very romantic 99% of the time.

244
00:16:32,732 --> 00:16:35,201
- It's the nail talking, Scott.
- She loved the Gondola table.

245
00:16:35,301 --> 00:16:38,002
I just don't think she really
appreciates all of the time and energy

246
00:16:38,102 --> 00:16:41,512
that I spent planning that proposal.
You know, it was about us.

247
00:16:41,612 --> 00:16:43,142
And now it's about her. You know, "I'm hurt.

248
00:16:43,242 --> 00:16:45,144
- I need the attention."
- She doesn't want this attention.

249
00:16:45,244 --> 00:16:47,880
You think I want this attention?
I can't control this.

250
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:51,417
Did you resize my ring? Why don't
you resize it for this finger?

251
00:16:51,517 --> 00:16:53,286
OK, that's unacceptable.

252
00:16:53,386 --> 00:16:55,655
I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening to me.

253
00:16:55,755 --> 00:16:58,222
Alright, that's it.

254
00:16:59,431 --> 00:17:01,661
We need some space.

255
00:17:01,761 --> 00:17:03,496
He broke it off. That's cold.

256
00:17:05,698 --> 00:17:07,600
I do not know what that meant.

257
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:11,804
I-I think she's asking you, in Portuguese,
if you're breaking up with her.

258
00:17:12,004 --> 00:17:16,142
Are you, Scott, breaking up with me?
Are you ending our engagement?

259
00:17:16,242 --> 00:17:21,414
I don't want to, but right now the odds
are looking 65-35 that you, Alice,

260
00:17:21,514 --> 00:17:24,583
are turning into an angry,
panicky Portuguese mess.

261
00:17:26,418 --> 00:17:30,356
Maybe there's an 80 to 70% chance of us
getting back together if you get fixed.

262
00:17:30,456 --> 00:17:31,891
But that depends on how long it takes.

263
00:17:31,991 --> 00:17:34,660
You left the door open a crack.
But that never works out.

264
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,330
- It's a mirage.
- You just broke up with me.

265
00:17:37,430 --> 00:17:40,332
Yes. It has to be this way. I'm sorry.
It's necessary.

266
00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:44,671
- What happened to nobody getting hurt today?
- Things don't always go as planned.

267
00:17:44,771 --> 00:17:48,340
- Scott, Scott.
- No, Scott, don't go. No, please.

268
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,409
- I'm sorry.
- Won't you please stay, Scott?

269
00:17:50,509 --> 00:17:52,278
- Come on, Scott.
- No, Scott.

270
00:17:52,478 --> 00:17:54,547
- Don't do it, man!
- Just let it out.

271
00:17:54,647 --> 00:17:56,749
- Scotty!
- Yeah.

272
00:17:56,849 --> 00:18:00,350
You can stay here with us... <i>for a little while.</i>

273
00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:14,250
- Hi.
- Hello, Reverend, Keyshawn.

274
00:18:14,350 --> 00:18:18,037
- How's our girl doing?
- Well, there's a weensy tad of depression

275
00:18:18,137 --> 00:18:22,023
kicking in since the breakup, but she'll
perk right up when she sees you two.

276
00:18:22,123 --> 00:18:24,544
- Would you like to come in?
- Well, thank you.

277
00:18:24,644 --> 00:18:27,110
Honey. Look who's here.

278
00:18:28,514 --> 00:18:30,775
- Alice, what's up?
- Hi, Alice.

279
00:18:32,284 --> 00:18:33,322
Yikes.

280
00:18:33,422 --> 00:18:36,689
- She should go outside and get some air.
- Get out of the house.

281
00:18:36,789 --> 00:18:39,892
No, no. That really didn't work
so well with the anger thing.

282
00:18:46,732 --> 00:18:50,670
Angry rappers helped me to cope with
my messed up medical situation, too.

283
00:18:50,770 --> 00:18:54,240
What exactly is your messed up
medical situation, Keyshawn?

284
00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:56,242
We never got a chance to hear that.

285
00:18:56,342 --> 00:18:58,944
Believe me, you do not want to hear about it.

286
00:18:59,044 --> 00:19:03,015
We want to hear all about it.
Misery loves company, right, honey?

287
00:19:03,115 --> 00:19:05,056
- Yes, please.
- Thank you.

288
00:19:05,156 --> 00:19:06,979
My name is Keyshawn McWilliams.

289
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:10,456
I couldn't get the attention
of this very fine la-de-da-de.

290
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:14,560
So I decided to get into the
Pro Am Weightlifting circuit.

291
00:19:14,660 --> 00:19:16,562
I worked my way to the semi-finals

292
00:19:16,662 --> 00:19:20,566
where I was about to break the dead
lift record to clean jerk 250.

293
00:19:20,866 --> 00:19:23,569
And then you couldn't and you hurt your back.

294
00:19:23,669 --> 00:19:25,444
Well, I clean jerked 250.

295
00:19:25,544 --> 00:19:29,541
And I learned a new word called
"prolapse", which applies to the anus.

296
00:19:29,641 --> 00:19:33,646
OK, that's enough. I really don't
want to get Alice riled up.

297
00:19:33,746 --> 00:19:36,916
You never know what's gonna set her
off with this thing in her head.

298
00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:39,385
What you watching?

299
00:19:42,422 --> 00:19:44,523
Bob?

300
00:19:44,623 --> 00:19:47,290
Find something soothing for Alice.

301
00:19:49,962 --> 00:19:51,497
Bob?

302
00:19:51,597 --> 00:19:54,734
<i>And I'm glad to be... out here helping the people.</i>

303
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:58,337
<i>I-I like people. I love gettin'
out of the law office.</i>

304
00:19:58,437 --> 00:20:03,443
<i>And, uh, you know, going local, hearin'
the people, smellin' the people.</i>

305
00:20:03,444 --> 00:20:04,724
<i>Umm...</i>

306
00:20:04,743 --> 00:20:06,051
<i>Government.</i>

307
00:20:06,151 --> 00:20:10,716
<i>If anyone has a problem from our district
that can be fixed by a law, I'm your man.</i>

308
00:20:10,816 --> 00:20:13,519
<i>You're invited to come visit
me any time in Washington.</i>

309
00:20:13,619 --> 00:20:15,721
That's me. I'm invited. I
gotta go talk to that guy.

310
00:20:15,821 --> 00:20:18,123
That idiot can't help you, Alice.

311
00:20:18,223 --> 00:20:20,555
It's that idiot's job to help me, Mom.
He just said so,

312
00:20:20,655 --> 00:20:24,496
and he's not such a big idiot. He was
kind and thoughtful. I could tell.

313
00:20:24,596 --> 00:20:27,633
<i>Let's turn a problem into an idea</i>

314
00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:30,536
I could get fixed. I could come home, marry Scott.

315
00:20:30,636 --> 00:20:32,504
And then everything would be good again.

316
00:20:32,604 --> 00:20:36,042
Well, it's the first time I've seen her
enthusiastic in nearly three weeks.

317
00:20:36,142 --> 00:20:39,278
No. No, Bob. She's not going to Washington.

318
00:20:39,378 --> 00:20:41,289
I can't take this anymore.
I have to get out of here,

319
00:20:41,389 --> 00:20:43,315
I have to fix my head. I've got to meet that guy.

320
00:20:43,415 --> 00:20:44,750
- What guy?
- Scott.

321
00:20:44,850 --> 00:20:48,120
You see, Alice? Now you don't
need to go to Washington.

322
00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:52,391
- Did you really come back for me, Scott?
- Honestly, I came to get my belt sander.

323
00:20:52,491 --> 00:20:56,061
And to see if you got fixed. But
I guess that didn't happen.

324
00:20:56,161 --> 00:20:58,698
What's with this Washington business?
That doesn't sound good.

325
00:20:58,798 --> 00:21:02,568
- It's where I'm going to get help.
- That's your crazy brain turning on itself, Alice.

326
00:21:02,568 --> 00:21:07,222
You can't fix a crazy brain with crazy thinkin'.
That's broken talking to broken.

327
00:21:07,322 --> 00:21:10,342
It's not broken talkin' to broken.
It's a good idea.

328
00:21:10,442 --> 00:21:12,544
Or an idea. It's the only one we've got.

329
00:21:12,644 --> 00:21:14,880
It's not a good one.

330
00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:20,953
Maybe this is a-a, a calling of some kind.
Travel with Keyshawn would be like...

331
00:21:21,053 --> 00:21:24,657
Jesus spending his days with
prostitutes and-and lepers.

332
00:21:24,757 --> 00:21:25,791
Thank you.

333
00:21:25,791 --> 00:21:29,228
No, no, no, Reverend. You
c-you can't encourage this.

334
00:21:29,328 --> 00:21:34,166
Listen to me, there is a 105% chance
that Washington is a terrible idea.

335
00:21:34,266 --> 00:21:35,901
Bob, belt sander?

336
00:21:36,001 --> 00:21:40,437
OK, but I may need to borrow it back if I have
to build those... wheelchair ramps for Alice.

337
00:21:49,181 --> 00:21:52,450
I still totally want to talk if you get fixed.

338
00:22:56,782 --> 00:22:58,417
I'm sorry. Tours are over for today.

339
00:22:58,517 --> 00:23:00,644
Oh, we're not here for a tour. We're
here to see Mr. Howard Birdwell.

340
00:23:00,644 --> 00:23:02,556
OK, Miss, I'm going to have
to ask you to step back...

341
00:23:02,656 --> 00:23:05,491
- Don't worry. Just this.
- Gun!

342
00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:08,894
It's not loaded.

343
00:23:09,915 --> 00:23:12,095
Oh, my God, I'm shot!

344
00:23:13,766 --> 00:23:15,667
You're alright, you're alright.

345
00:23:15,767 --> 00:23:21,696
Alright. Alright, I'm not shot.
But I am traumatized, though.

346
00:23:21,796 --> 00:23:24,210
- Bring her over here.
- Sorry. I'm sorry.

347
00:23:24,310 --> 00:23:26,312
- I can't work no more.
- What is this?

348
00:23:26,412 --> 00:23:28,680
I brought it to show Howard
Birdwell what happened to me.

349
00:23:28,780 --> 00:23:30,349
Yeah, it wouldn't have fired
if she hadn't grabbed it.

350
00:23:30,449 --> 00:23:35,020
- Well, what was I supposed do to?
- Yeah. She's a security guard.

351
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:39,158
And a super fine one. Wow, what is your name?

352
00:23:39,258 --> 00:23:41,193
Rakeesha. Everybody call me Ra-Ra.

353
00:23:41,293 --> 00:23:44,430
My name is Keyshawn. My people call me Ki-Ki.

354
00:23:44,530 --> 00:23:47,833
- Baby, your trauma is turning me on.
- Oh, Jesus.

355
00:23:47,933 --> 00:23:51,403
Let me apologize for my insensitive white friends.

356
00:23:51,503 --> 00:23:54,646
And take you to Benihana's and
smooth your trauma with a sake bomb.

357
00:23:54,746 --> 00:23:58,383
- What? You guys are going right now?
- We-we, we just got here. What ab...

358
00:23:58,483 --> 00:24:01,580
In the black community,
that's how quick it happens.

359
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,416
- What about our-our, our mission?
- And our dream?

360
00:24:04,516 --> 00:24:08,441
What about binding the nation's wounds?
What happened to that?

361
00:24:08,541 --> 00:24:10,089
Good luck.

362
00:24:10,189 --> 00:24:14,124
OK, well, I guess it's just you and me.
Let's go. Alright.

363
00:24:29,341 --> 00:24:32,542
- You ready?
- Yeah.

364
00:24:39,585 --> 00:24:41,676
Hi, welcome. Information's over there.

365
00:24:41,776 --> 00:24:44,256
And signups for appointments
take two to three weeks.

366
00:24:44,356 --> 00:24:45,958
Oh, my God, is that him?

367
00:24:46,058 --> 00:24:49,696
Yes, but he's very busy on important legislation.

368
00:24:49,796 --> 00:24:51,797
I'm starting to think sex is overrated, you know.

369
00:24:51,897 --> 00:24:54,166
I mean, half the time the connection is so-so.

370
00:24:54,266 --> 00:24:56,368
And then you're involved and
then blah, blah, you know?

371
00:24:56,468 --> 00:24:59,938
I mean, come on, I'd rather be playing golf, Mom.

372
00:25:00,038 --> 00:25:03,609
Yes, I know I have a natural charisma, but
I can't get anything done around here.

373
00:25:03,709 --> 00:25:07,579
It's like... it's like I just can't
even get colored glues for my kids.

374
00:25:07,879 --> 00:25:11,417
- It's killing me. I ran on that.
- Hey, we can't just walk in like this.

375
00:25:11,517 --> 00:25:13,485
But he's right there.

376
00:25:13,685 --> 00:25:15,761
Oh, my God, Representative Hendrickson.
What an honor.

377
00:25:15,861 --> 00:25:19,358
- Is he in? She's in a hurry.
- Sir, the House Whip is here!

378
00:25:19,458 --> 00:25:22,124
You have to change for the prayer lunch.

379
00:25:23,795 --> 00:25:25,240
- Howard?
- What?

380
00:25:25,340 --> 00:25:28,267
- You're in the hot seat, mister.
- What? I voted yes on triple razor wires.

381
00:25:28,367 --> 00:25:31,964
I'm not talking about the stupid immigration bill.
My moon base is in trouble.

382
00:25:32,064 --> 00:25:34,016
- There was opposition ads.
- What about the opposition ads?

383
00:25:34,116 --> 00:25:35,841
- It was very effective opposition ads.
- Effective how?

384
00:25:35,941 --> 00:25:39,345
They want to spend the money on schools and
parks and not a military base on the moon.

385
00:25:39,445 --> 00:25:41,580
We are gonna get that same school, park,

386
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,716
whatever people to say my moon
base will massage their needs.

387
00:25:44,816 --> 00:25:46,719
I didn't know a moon base could do that.

388
00:25:46,819 --> 00:25:50,055
It protects us, right? Keeps
us safe and non-blown up.

389
00:25:50,155 --> 00:25:52,827
- Is that Pam Henry, the lady astronaut?
- Yes, it is.

390
00:25:54,326 --> 00:25:56,996
- Oh, my God.
- Seriously, you have to go now.

391
00:25:57,096 --> 00:25:59,398
- Oh, I was invited.
- The House Whip is here.

392
00:25:59,945 --> 00:26:03,195
- Please, can you come back tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?

393
00:26:04,482 --> 00:26:05,621
Why are you still here?

394
00:26:05,721 --> 00:26:07,539
'Cause we have that meeting event this week.

395
00:26:07,639 --> 00:26:12,548
And I need you to get someone with
a good cause who's manageable...

396
00:26:12,648 --> 00:26:13,947
controllable...

397
00:26:15,047 --> 00:26:17,982
who will come and endorse... our moon base.

398
00:26:18,082 --> 00:26:20,419
- This week?
- Didn't the school kids just come visit you?

399
00:26:20,519 --> 00:26:23,489
Yeah, they were surprisingly
hard on me for eight-year-olds

400
00:26:23,589 --> 00:26:25,157
and I wouldn't really wanna have them back.

401
00:26:25,257 --> 00:26:28,160
You gotta get someone, Howard.
The moon is my church.

402
00:26:28,260 --> 00:26:30,629
- I know it is.
- It's a really special place.

403
00:26:30,729 --> 00:26:34,498
This country deserves to
have a military base there.

404
00:26:36,078 --> 00:26:37,382
- Hey.
- Bill.

405
00:26:37,482 --> 00:26:40,472
I have very good news. Girl
Squaws... making us a cookie.

406
00:26:40,672 --> 00:26:42,074
- What?
- Yes.

407
00:26:42,174 --> 00:26:44,209
- No way.
- Yes.

408
00:26:44,309 --> 00:26:45,811
- A Girl Squaw cookie?
- Yes.

409
00:26:45,911 --> 00:26:47,379
- For the moon base.
- Yes!

410
00:26:47,479 --> 00:26:51,283
You have any idea how important that is?
It's like getting national landmark status.

411
00:26:51,383 --> 00:26:54,153
I know, I know. How the hell did you do that?

412
00:26:54,253 --> 00:26:58,247
Because I told them we would get
Shakira for the National Jamboree.

413
00:26:58,347 --> 00:27:00,292
That's what I'm talking about.

414
00:27:00,392 --> 00:27:01,793
- I gotta work.
- Yeah.

415
00:27:01,893 --> 00:27:04,429
- Go get 'em.
- Way to go!

416
00:27:04,929 --> 00:27:07,633
- Burning up the track.
- Burn, baby, burn.

417
00:27:07,833 --> 00:27:09,908
Shakira?

418
00:27:10,008 --> 00:27:13,872
- How did he get Shakira?
- Well, maybe he did, maybe he didn't.

419
00:27:13,972 --> 00:27:16,508
The important thing is that he
got the Girl Squaws on board.

420
00:27:16,608 --> 00:27:18,010
In a huge way.

421
00:27:18,110 --> 00:27:21,246
Oh, look at that. I bet he got the Boy Cubs, too.

422
00:27:21,546 --> 00:27:23,649
- What?
- You gotta change for the prayer lunch.

423
00:27:24,504 --> 00:27:27,362
This always excites people,
because it's been to outer space

424
00:27:27,462 --> 00:27:30,110
three times, on her body.

425
00:27:30,722 --> 00:27:33,792
Could you shut the door and
give me some privacy, please?

426
00:27:34,092 --> 00:27:38,630
You gotta step up, Howard. There are
100 guys I could groom to replace you.

427
00:27:38,730 --> 00:27:41,597
So get someone to the media event.

428
00:27:43,669 --> 00:27:45,470
Zip me.

429
00:27:45,570 --> 00:27:48,329
I get it, OK? She's a total ball-breaker.
It's very short notice.

430
00:27:48,429 --> 00:27:50,796
And, frankly, not the best idea to
recruit people who aren't prepared

431
00:27:50,896 --> 00:27:52,711
- or rehearsed to go on camera.
- What about the prayer lunch?

432
00:27:52,811 --> 00:27:55,180
- I'm right behind you.
- Now.

433
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,416
I did eight years in NASA
tech support for her, OK?

434
00:27:57,516 --> 00:28:01,386
Another 15 years here, OK? She's brilliant
unless she goes off on her own.

435
00:28:01,486 --> 00:28:04,823
Then it's a big mess. Nightmare.
That's what I'm talking about.

436
00:28:04,923 --> 00:28:06,091
What are you doing?

437
00:28:06,191 --> 00:28:09,995
So you better do what I'm saying, OK?
We're not gonna repeat it again.

438
00:28:14,161 --> 00:28:18,646
All this way and he won't even see us.
OK, do you know what?

439
00:28:18,746 --> 00:28:20,839
This is what we're gonna do. We're
gonna go in one of those offices

440
00:28:20,939 --> 00:28:24,310
and we are gonna introduce ourselves
to another one of those guys.

441
00:28:25,510 --> 00:28:28,780
- My dick is killing me.
- Oh, geez.

442
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:31,717
I'm sorry to say it like that, I've
been around Keyshawn too much.

443
00:28:31,817 --> 00:28:33,351
Is it bad?

444
00:28:33,451 --> 00:28:36,121
It's really hard to walk. It's really...
really chafing.

445
00:28:36,221 --> 00:28:38,930
- OK, you need to go to the motel.
- No, I want to be here for you.

446
00:28:39,030 --> 00:28:43,328
No, go to the motel, I insist. Take a bath.
There's gotta be an ice machine.

447
00:28:43,428 --> 00:28:45,364
That would be nice.

448
00:28:45,464 --> 00:28:46,832
- Go.
- You gonna be OK?

449
00:28:46,932 --> 00:28:48,100
- Yeah.
- I expect a full report.

450
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,078
OK.

451
00:28:50,602 --> 00:28:52,468
Feel better.

452
00:29:05,550 --> 00:29:08,418
We're having a meeting in here, sorry.

453
00:29:16,662 --> 00:29:21,230
Piece of shit democracy. I smash your face.

454
00:29:34,612 --> 00:29:36,609
- Mr. Birdwell? I'm from your district.
- Yes?

455
00:29:36,709 --> 00:29:39,624
I saw you on TV. You were great.
And you were real.

456
00:29:39,724 --> 00:29:41,537
I came to see you today, but
they wouldn't let me see you.

457
00:29:41,537 --> 00:29:44,856
Oh, well, it's been a very hectic day. Um...

458
00:29:45,106 --> 00:29:48,960
- You have very soft hand skin.
- Oh, thank you. I roller skate a lot.

459
00:29:49,060 --> 00:29:51,863
- Don't know what that has to do with my hands.
- Ah, who knows?

460
00:29:51,863 --> 00:29:57,202
Sometimes the wind can make your skin
smooth or rough or... I don't know.

461
00:29:57,302 --> 00:29:59,838
Anyway, what brings you to DC?

462
00:29:59,938 --> 00:30:02,627
I came to see you because I wanna help
people that have weird conditions

463
00:30:02,727 --> 00:30:05,849
that they can't afford to fix.
I guess that's healthcare.

464
00:30:06,216 --> 00:30:10,249
Oh! Dear. That's, uh... not very manageable.

465
00:30:10,549 --> 00:30:12,489
In fact, that's kind of a bummer issue.
I'm sorry...

466
00:30:12,589 --> 00:30:15,291
- Bummer issue?
- It takes a really long time. Really. I mean,

467
00:30:15,391 --> 00:30:18,890
good luck with that because I'm just a
freshman doing freshman things, so...

468
00:30:18,990 --> 00:30:22,327
Why do you invite people down here then?
Why do you say you can help?

469
00:30:22,427 --> 00:30:24,863
Well, you don't think I want to help?
I want to help people.

470
00:30:24,963 --> 00:30:27,299
It's just it has to be the
right thing at the right time.

471
00:30:27,399 --> 00:30:29,568
I mean, it's not very practical, OK?

472
00:30:29,668 --> 00:30:32,039
- Look, I'm just trying to, I'm sorry.
- Practical?

473
00:30:32,139 --> 00:30:34,974
I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
Do you see these offices?

474
00:30:35,074 --> 00:30:38,469
Every single one of 'em has a different
person above me who tells me what to do.

475
00:30:38,569 --> 00:30:42,883
They tell me what time it is, what day it is,
and when they tell me to "jump, Howard,"

476
00:30:42,983 --> 00:30:47,767
I say how high, Mr. or Mrs.... or exactly.

477
00:30:47,867 --> 00:30:50,827
Wow, yes. See? That's what I'm talking about.

478
00:30:50,927 --> 00:30:53,759
Now you're hearing me. It's
hard working for the people.

479
00:30:53,859 --> 00:30:56,495
It's hard working, even getting
colored glues for the kids,

480
00:30:56,595 --> 00:30:59,331
for the kids' people, OK?

481
00:30:59,431 --> 00:31:01,999
So I don't understand, you
know, I'm trying to be...

482
00:31:16,848 --> 00:31:18,984
That was weird. Didn't mean to do that at all.

483
00:31:19,084 --> 00:31:22,854
No, it's understandable. There's the
whole political rock star mystique.

484
00:31:22,954 --> 00:31:24,490
That was really inappropriate. I shouldn't...

485
00:31:24,590 --> 00:31:29,227
No, it's inappropriate here. But it's not
inappropriate in, um... right in here.

486
00:31:29,327 --> 00:31:32,030
Nothing wrong with what you did.
Nothing wrong with what you did.

487
00:31:42,574 --> 00:31:44,743
- There.
- Watch out for the...

488
00:31:44,843 --> 00:31:49,046
Sorry. Oh, yes. Oh, daddy.

489
00:31:51,015 --> 00:31:52,083
Do you have any...

490
00:31:52,183 --> 00:31:54,553
- Yeah, just wait, my hands are...
- Let me have it.

491
00:31:54,653 --> 00:31:57,488
Oh, God, wait...

492
00:31:59,991 --> 00:32:01,685
Yeah.

493
00:32:11,002 --> 00:32:14,573
Orgasms do exist. Yay.

494
00:32:14,673 --> 00:32:17,376
I've had some really, really good sex,

495
00:32:17,476 --> 00:32:20,746
but that was something completely new.

496
00:32:21,046 --> 00:32:24,383
Oh, my God, I'm a dirty little nail slut.

497
00:32:24,983 --> 00:32:27,586
What's a nail slut?

498
00:32:27,686 --> 00:32:29,721
I have a three-inch nail in here.

499
00:32:29,821 --> 00:32:34,835
And it sometimes makes me do crazy things.
And now it made me get slutty, damn it.

500
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,629
There's a nail in your head...

501
00:32:37,729 --> 00:32:40,131
and it's neurologically making you a whore?

502
00:32:40,231 --> 00:32:43,402
Yeah. What's your excuse?

503
00:32:43,502 --> 00:32:49,340
Well, I... what's to excuse? I think this
is a case of great timing and good luck.

504
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,844
Well, I never would have normally done
something like this except for this.

505
00:32:53,044 --> 00:32:57,182
Well, I mean, it can't all be the nail, you know.
I've been told that I have... charisma.

506
00:32:57,482 --> 00:33:00,752
Yes, you do. But it was the nail, OK?

507
00:33:00,852 --> 00:33:03,388
Well, I'm gonna have to disagree.

508
00:33:03,488 --> 00:33:07,025
- And now I'm gonna have to leave.
- What?

509
00:33:08,026 --> 00:33:10,349
Wait, wait, wait! What about
problem, problem, problem?

510
00:33:10,449 --> 00:33:15,033
Problem right here, going to turn my problem
into an idea. What about that, mister?

511
00:33:16,434 --> 00:33:18,603
What happened to that?

512
00:33:18,703 --> 00:33:20,355
You're...

513
00:33:20,455 --> 00:33:22,737
you're appealing.

514
00:33:23,442 --> 00:33:26,778
Look, before, I thought that you
were some sort of, you know,

515
00:33:26,878 --> 00:33:31,649
a not manageable policy
problem, but now you're like...

516
00:33:31,749 --> 00:33:35,120
a girl with a nail in her head, and that's...

517
00:33:35,220 --> 00:33:38,042
very interesting and very human.

518
00:33:38,924 --> 00:33:42,093
Have you ever been to a military
media moon base event before?

519
00:33:42,215 --> 00:33:44,629
Uhh... I don't think so, no.

520
00:33:44,729 --> 00:33:49,234
Well, I'm inviting you to one...
where you can help us, OK?

521
00:33:49,334 --> 00:33:51,970
Well, wait a minute, I thought I
was the one that needed help.

522
00:33:52,070 --> 00:33:55,874
Well, no, honey, in this town, you
gotta give something to get something.

523
00:33:56,274 --> 00:33:57,336
Didn't we just have sex?

524
00:33:57,436 --> 00:34:00,345
I mean, you got to politically give something

525
00:34:00,445 --> 00:34:02,380
- to politically get something.
- Right.

526
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:06,118
You help me promote the moon base and
I'll get you your healthcare bill.

527
00:34:07,518 --> 00:34:09,054
But I don't know anything about a moon base.

528
00:34:09,154 --> 00:34:14,159
All you need to know is that it
keeps us safe... and non-blown up.

529
00:34:14,439 --> 00:34:15,894
And it's on the moon.

530
00:34:15,994 --> 00:34:18,897
A military moon base? What's a moon base do?

531
00:34:19,097 --> 00:34:23,201
All you need to know is that it keeps us
safe and non-blown up. And it's on the moon.

532
00:34:23,501 --> 00:34:26,217
And if we get behind that, then
he's gonna help us with our thing.

533
00:34:26,217 --> 00:34:30,336
Ahh! That's how it works.
One hand washes the other.

534
00:34:30,436 --> 00:34:33,312
- You know, it's amazing.
- What? What's amazing, Norm?

535
00:34:33,412 --> 00:34:37,647
It's just so unbelievable to me that...

536
00:34:37,747 --> 00:34:40,885
one brief hallway conversation,
you agreed on all that.

537
00:34:40,985 --> 00:34:45,159
I mean, just a little talk is just so
unheard of in Washington for people to...

538
00:34:45,259 --> 00:34:47,025
Well, that's what happened.
That's all that happened.

539
00:34:47,125 --> 00:34:50,028
- I'm not lying and I'm not a liar.
- I'm not calling you a liar.

540
00:34:50,128 --> 00:34:54,365
Well, good, 'cause I'm not. Gee, did you...
do something different?

541
00:34:54,465 --> 00:34:57,752
You look really sexy or something, or...
Did you do something with your hair?

542
00:34:57,852 --> 00:35:01,064
- I don't have any hair.
- Yeah, OK.

543
00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,325
- Keyshawn.
- Where have you been?

544
00:35:03,425 --> 00:35:04,743
Chilling with Rakeesha.

545
00:35:04,744 --> 00:35:05,786
Ah-ha!

546
00:35:05,805 --> 00:35:09,848
So she's into "playas," after all. I
ran the youth outreach program, so

547
00:35:09,948 --> 00:35:12,396
I know all about the jiggy and the
freaking and what the kids are into.

548
00:35:12,496 --> 00:35:15,186
It don't matter. 'Cause she's
strong and she's deep.

549
00:35:15,286 --> 00:35:18,256
And she loves to do beautiful
watercolors like this.

550
00:35:18,257 --> 00:35:19,378
Bam!

551
00:35:19,397 --> 00:35:21,426
How you like me now?

552
00:35:21,526 --> 00:35:25,063
Oh, wow. Is that your head
on a wolf's body crying?

553
00:35:25,163 --> 00:35:29,834
She sees me as the leader of the pack
helping all the injured, poor, weak wolves.

554
00:35:29,934 --> 00:35:32,277
Yeah-yeah. I-I like what she
did with the shading there.

555
00:35:32,377 --> 00:35:34,139
So she's sympathetic to your health problems, huh?

556
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:35,540
No, I ain't tell her about it.

557
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:37,709
Why does she think you're here, Keyshawn?

558
00:35:37,809 --> 00:35:41,813
To selflessly support all you sad,
injured people and your problems.

559
00:35:41,913 --> 00:35:46,518
This is why she loves me. And this is
why I need y'all to cosign on my story.

560
00:35:46,618 --> 00:35:49,754
- 'Cause I'm in love.
- I thought you didn't believe in love.

561
00:35:49,854 --> 00:35:52,023
I'm just starting to learn how to trust again.

562
00:35:52,123 --> 00:35:54,926
Don't crush the little hatchling of my heart.

563
00:35:55,026 --> 00:35:57,462
Back up my lie.

564
00:35:57,562 --> 00:35:59,831
Love takes honesty, Keyshawn.

565
00:35:59,931 --> 00:36:03,401
Rakeesha expects me to lead.

566
00:36:03,501 --> 00:36:05,971
You see the other little wolves?
They're hurt and they're injured.

567
00:36:06,071 --> 00:36:09,154
Who's leading? Me. I cry for you.

568
00:36:09,554 --> 00:36:12,508
I... cry... for you.

569
00:36:18,383 --> 00:36:20,118
Slow down, kids!

570
00:36:20,218 --> 00:36:22,686
Congresswoman, a word, please?

571
00:36:25,056 --> 00:36:28,226
- Alice!
- Look, it's Howard.

572
00:36:28,326 --> 00:36:29,394
Hi!

573
00:36:30,308 --> 00:36:31,763
Hi!

574
00:36:31,863 --> 00:36:34,299
- This is amazing, fantastic.
- Isn't this exciting?

575
00:36:34,999 --> 00:36:36,467
This is Reverend Norm.

576
00:36:36,567 --> 00:36:37,636
- Pleasure.
- Hi.

577
00:36:37,736 --> 00:36:39,170
And this is Keyshawn and Rakeesha.

578
00:36:39,270 --> 00:36:41,907
Hi. Kanye, Shaniqua. Nice to meet you.

579
00:36:42,007 --> 00:36:44,509
So I hope you're prepared to talk on TV.

580
00:36:44,609 --> 00:36:47,345
Well, I didn't prepare anything. I didn't
know I was supposed to prepare something.

581
00:36:47,445 --> 00:36:49,648
Why'd he call me Kanye? My name is Keyshawn.

582
00:36:49,748 --> 00:36:53,551
Speak as someone who has an injury
and who is, um... needs protection

583
00:36:53,651 --> 00:36:55,820
and is asking for it from the moon base.

584
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,957
Actually, how, exactly, is
the moon base gonna help us?

585
00:36:59,157 --> 00:37:02,160
We have to stay protected and...

586
00:37:03,060 --> 00:37:05,396
- Safe and un-blown up.
- Yes. OK, great.

587
00:37:05,496 --> 00:37:09,163
But more specifically, how, exactly,
will the moon base help us, right now?

588
00:37:09,263 --> 00:37:11,938
- Yeah, good question.
- Well, uh...

589
00:37:12,038 --> 00:37:14,866
we'll talk to the leaders about
gluing on a little tiny healthcare,

590
00:37:14,966 --> 00:37:18,443
emergency healthcare law, onto the
big, huge, uh, moon base bill, OK?

591
00:37:18,543 --> 00:37:22,814
Kinda like a... a little satellite that nobody
notices that's orbiting around the big moon.

592
00:37:22,914 --> 00:37:25,357
- Now, that's how it's done.
- Slim shady, I like it.

593
00:37:25,457 --> 00:37:27,652
Yes. What is that, a song
or beef jerky or whatever?

594
00:37:27,752 --> 00:37:29,687
Who wants to meet Pam Henry Hendrickson?

595
00:37:29,787 --> 00:37:31,689
- Oh, I do, I do, I do.
- The lady astronaut House Whip.

596
00:37:31,889 --> 00:37:33,224
Let's go.

597
00:37:33,324 --> 00:37:35,593
Why does he call me Kanye? My name is Keyshawn.

598
00:37:35,693 --> 00:37:37,262
- Congresswoman!
- Howard.

599
00:37:37,362 --> 00:37:39,464
Told you I'd pull through. This is Alice Eckle.

600
00:37:39,564 --> 00:37:40,932
Pam Henry Hendrickson. Nice to meet you.

601
00:37:41,032 --> 00:37:43,768
Hi. Do you think you'd have time,
you could maybe sign my card later?

602
00:37:43,868 --> 00:37:46,120
I've seen all your launches ever
since I was in sixth grade.

603
00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:48,436
Oh, that's so nice.

604
00:37:48,536 --> 00:37:51,843
Actually, that's the same age that
Grand Sacajawea Marsha Weber is.

605
00:37:51,943 --> 00:37:54,412
- Grand Saca what?
- Jawea. Sixth grade.

606
00:37:54,512 --> 00:37:56,514
Hi, are you a congressman, too?

607
00:37:56,614 --> 00:37:59,462
No. I'm an ex-waitress with a nail
in my head that might get fixed

608
00:37:59,562 --> 00:38:02,187
by the little law that's going to
tack on to the moon base bill.

609
00:38:02,287 --> 00:38:05,290
- We're getting Shakira. Awesome, right?
- Yeah, totally.

610
00:38:05,630 --> 00:38:08,892
We're not supposed to talk about that stuff.
Just keep the focus on the moon base, tonight.

611
00:38:08,992 --> 00:38:11,262
- Right, Mr. Harshtone?
- That's right, Marsha. Very good.

612
00:38:11,362 --> 00:38:14,933
Actually, Alice happens to be
giving a speech, too, Congressman.

613
00:38:15,033 --> 00:38:17,368
Oh, that's good, Howard, but
she's giving one right now.

614
00:38:17,468 --> 00:38:19,104
Here we go, Marsha.

615
00:38:19,204 --> 00:38:22,791
Grand Sacajawea Marsha Weber, are you
here to put a military base on the moon?

616
00:38:22,891 --> 00:38:26,177
We totally want a hiking camp
while they just patrol the skies.

617
00:38:26,277 --> 00:38:29,369
Moon base rocks. Booyah.

618
00:38:32,083 --> 00:38:34,585
Nope, this way. There you go.

619
00:38:34,785 --> 00:38:38,056
Camera's right there, alright? And the
moon base is right behind you, OK?

620
00:38:38,156 --> 00:38:40,125
Alright, so talk about all this
stuff that we talked about before

621
00:38:40,225 --> 00:38:42,093
and not the stuff we talked about after that, OK?

622
00:38:42,193 --> 00:38:44,810
- OK.
- Look at me, I'm nervous. Ready?

623
00:38:44,910 --> 00:38:46,998
- Look at you. You look great.
- I do?

624
00:38:47,098 --> 00:38:48,800
- You're beautiful.
- Thank you.

625
00:38:48,900 --> 00:38:51,452
- I believe in you.
- You do?

626
00:38:52,584 --> 00:38:53,902
Yeah.

627
00:38:57,642 --> 00:39:01,919
I have a nail in my head so
I need a moon base. Why?

628
00:39:02,019 --> 00:39:04,974
Well, I can't afford surgery. So my congressman,

629
00:39:05,074 --> 00:39:08,806
who looks like a dude from Crest White
Strips, but is really just a real person

630
00:39:08,906 --> 00:39:11,646
who's just really trying hard to get colored glue

631
00:39:11,746 --> 00:39:13,858
and paint for the children in his district,

632
00:39:13,958 --> 00:39:16,161
and he's really gonna help them
and he's really gonna help me.

633
00:39:16,261 --> 00:39:19,664
And he's really going to help everybody
with the military moon base.

634
00:39:19,864 --> 00:39:21,199
How?

635
00:39:21,399 --> 00:39:24,536
Well, number one, it protects us.

636
00:39:24,636 --> 00:39:28,006
It makes the moon, like, one of our states.
Keeping us safe and non-blown up

637
00:39:28,106 --> 00:39:30,634
So we can figure out better
restaurant and hospital service

638
00:39:30,734 --> 00:39:34,149
and colored glue for all.
That's how it works, America.

639
00:39:34,249 --> 00:39:37,648
First things first. Rock on, moon base.

640
00:39:39,817 --> 00:39:41,883
- I hope I did as good as you.
- Trust me, you did.

641
00:39:41,983 --> 00:39:43,919
Oh, thanks.

642
00:39:46,825 --> 00:39:49,771
You did awesome. The crowd loved you. I loved you.

643
00:39:49,871 --> 00:39:51,612
- Yeah?
- Give it up right up here.

644
00:39:51,712 --> 00:39:53,097
- Awesome.
- Thank you.

645
00:39:53,197 --> 00:39:56,434
Oh, no, control the nail. Control the nail.

646
00:39:56,534 --> 00:39:58,977
- Alice, well done.
- Thank you.

647
00:39:59,077 --> 00:40:02,173
- We should celebrate.
- Yeah, let's get some liquor and start looting.

648
00:40:02,273 --> 00:40:04,576
No, I'm just joking. That's a racist stereotype.

649
00:40:04,676 --> 00:40:08,452
- But, seriously, let's get some 40s.
- OK.

650
00:40:10,214 --> 00:40:13,418
Let's be like Bambi, let's
get get naughty with the 40.

651
00:40:13,518 --> 00:40:15,853
You know what they say, right?
You have to keep on digging.

652
00:40:15,953 --> 00:40:18,623
And that's exactly what we did, the cool kids.

653
00:40:18,723 --> 00:40:23,762
Yeah, and look who went on national
television without having a panic attack.

654
00:40:23,862 --> 00:40:26,714
Guys, we got a big poll bounce
on funding this moon base.

655
00:40:26,814 --> 00:40:29,500
Congrats, Howard. House Speaker
wants credit for this.

656
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:33,171
Bring nail girl to Speaker
office for photo visit in AM.

657
00:40:33,271 --> 00:40:34,573
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- My goodness.

658
00:40:34,673 --> 00:40:37,767
- Heavy duty.
- This is, like... yes, tomorrow.

659
00:40:37,867 --> 00:40:40,106
- Heavy duty, girl.
- This is crazy.

660
00:40:40,206 --> 00:40:43,081
- Heavy duty.
- Well, we'll go together. We'll all go.

661
00:40:43,181 --> 00:40:46,450
- Exciting.
- This is it. This is what we came here for.

662
00:40:47,152 --> 00:40:49,487
- It's a party.
- It's a party.

663
00:40:49,587 --> 00:40:51,651
It's a party.

664
00:41:11,810 --> 00:41:13,246
Do the bump.

665
00:41:13,346 --> 00:41:16,412
No. Keyshawn don't do the bump.

666
00:41:18,382 --> 00:41:21,920
- Yeah, let's go to Benihana's!
- Benihana!

667
00:41:22,020 --> 00:41:25,190
- I want to go to Benihana's!
- We're gonna stay here!

668
00:41:25,290 --> 00:41:27,237
You sure? It's gonna be magical.

669
00:41:29,426 --> 00:41:31,341
Yeah.

670
00:41:33,097 --> 00:41:35,289
- We can do great things.
- Yes.

671
00:41:35,389 --> 00:41:37,836
- In politics.
- OK.

672
00:41:38,436 --> 00:41:41,538
Oh, my God, are you OK?

673
00:41:42,173 --> 00:41:45,176
I mean, I don't know you. I don't really know you.

674
00:41:45,276 --> 00:41:48,179
You know, I don't know all the details of you.
You're just... you're guarded.

675
00:41:48,279 --> 00:41:51,115
Yeah, I'm guarded, yeah, you know, I mean...

676
00:41:51,215 --> 00:41:53,451
it's hard to let everything
that's inside out, you know?

677
00:41:53,551 --> 00:41:56,287
You gotta stay protected in this town.
You gotta keep your cards close.

678
00:41:56,387 --> 00:42:01,225
I can't let down all the important people
who picked me. I can't let myself fail.

679
00:42:01,325 --> 00:42:03,694
What is that?

680
00:42:03,844 --> 00:42:06,347
That's what I went to law school for.

681
00:42:06,447 --> 00:42:11,269
I wanted to be a forest ranger.
That was my secret dream.

682
00:42:11,369 --> 00:42:14,305
But nobody understood. It just seemed so wrong.

683
00:42:14,505 --> 00:42:18,743
- Wow. Wow, this is so cool.
- Not cool.

684
00:42:18,843 --> 00:42:22,313
This is really good that you're
letting it all out like this.

685
00:42:22,413 --> 00:42:25,717
I just got through this broken engagement.

686
00:42:25,817 --> 00:42:31,622
And I just lost it all. Now I'm... damaged goods.

687
00:42:31,722 --> 00:42:34,392
- I'm like this broken girl.
- No... no, you are not.

688
00:42:34,492 --> 00:42:37,339
And I don't know if I'm ever gonna
find that happy life again.

689
00:42:37,439 --> 00:42:38,950
- Yes, you will.
- I don't know.

690
00:42:39,050 --> 00:42:41,044
Don't you wish you could take a time machine back?

691
00:42:41,144 --> 00:42:42,756
Yes.

692
00:42:42,856 --> 00:42:45,169
Sixth grade might have been
the best year of my life.

693
00:42:45,269 --> 00:42:47,205
- Amazing campouts.
- Skating.

694
00:42:47,305 --> 00:42:48,995
- Man, I loved the woods.
- Yeah.

695
00:42:49,095 --> 00:42:52,643
And the woods loved me. God,
it feels so good to cry.

696
00:42:52,743 --> 00:42:54,645
- It's good to cry.
- It's good to cry.

697
00:42:54,745 --> 00:42:59,417
I never cry. You know, it's
like a fantastic... number two.

698
00:42:59,517 --> 00:43:02,153
We're better than a time machine.

699
00:43:02,253 --> 00:43:05,958
Because, together, we can make things good again.

700
00:43:07,058 --> 00:43:09,594
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

701
00:43:09,694 --> 00:43:11,359
Yeah.

702
00:43:13,264 --> 00:43:17,539
You know, I was praying for
something, or someone, to come along.

703
00:43:18,602 --> 00:43:21,973
Make me be different and be better
and to start taking chances

704
00:43:22,073 --> 00:43:24,575
and... start being more real.

705
00:43:24,675 --> 00:43:29,000
And have courage, you know,
like a forest ranger would.

706
00:43:29,980 --> 00:43:32,683
And I think that's you.

707
00:43:33,651 --> 00:43:35,684
That's us.

708
00:43:37,388 --> 00:43:41,407
I've never met a guy who
thinks about things like this.

709
00:43:42,426 --> 00:43:46,762
Maybe I could be happier than I was before.

710
00:43:51,369 --> 00:43:54,623
I just want you to know that this is
me really liking you, not the nail,

711
00:43:54,723 --> 00:43:58,309
and that I think that the involuntary sex
thing turned off when my head hit that light.

712
00:43:58,409 --> 00:44:00,945
And now the voluntary sex thing is on.

713
00:44:01,045 --> 00:44:03,882
I'm also volunteering.

714
00:44:04,682 --> 00:44:06,782
Also, don't you think we should get to
know each other a little bit better,

715
00:44:06,882 --> 00:44:09,237
- more than just the ranger stuff?
- OK. Well, like what?

716
00:44:09,337 --> 00:44:11,422
I don't know. Like, what are your parents like?

717
00:44:11,522 --> 00:44:13,257
What are your parents like?

718
00:44:13,357 --> 00:44:16,194
My dad's a plumber. My mom's a secretary.
And I love them.

719
00:44:16,294 --> 00:44:19,212
My parents are both tax attorneys.
And I love them both.

720
00:44:19,312 --> 00:44:21,866
And I hate taxes. What-what else?

721
00:44:21,966 --> 00:44:23,468
Did you have a pet growing up?

722
00:44:23,568 --> 00:44:26,037
A little dog named Coconut. What about you?

723
00:44:26,137 --> 00:44:28,239
Black dog named Bojangles.

724
00:44:28,339 --> 00:44:30,839
- OK, good.
- Good.

725
00:44:37,548 --> 00:44:40,117
- Morning, Sunshine.
- I feel great!

726
00:44:40,217 --> 00:44:42,019
Me, too.

727
00:44:42,119 --> 00:44:45,690
I can't wait to meet the Speaker of the
House and start drafting that bill today.

728
00:44:45,790 --> 00:44:48,457
I can't believe it's really happening.

729
00:44:50,795 --> 00:44:53,364
Here it is, the new Girl Squaw moonbase cookie.

730
00:44:53,464 --> 00:44:57,468
My wife and two kids are my pride
and joy, but I love my job.

731
00:44:57,568 --> 00:45:02,073
Many heads of state have come through
this office and now the Grand Sacajew...

732
00:45:02,173 --> 00:45:05,076
- Wea.
- Wea of the Girl things.

733
00:45:05,176 --> 00:45:08,046
- Squaws.
- Squaws, Girl Squaws.

734
00:45:08,446 --> 00:45:12,917
I can't get enough of these chunky gunks, Marsha.

735
00:45:13,017 --> 00:45:14,852
Hey, what's in these?

736
00:45:14,952 --> 00:45:18,489
Real macadamia nuts, pecan bits,
walnut shards and chocolate chunks.

737
00:45:18,589 --> 00:45:20,458
Which all represent multiple warheads.

738
00:45:20,758 --> 00:45:24,528
- It's going to be my moon base now.
- Your moon base?

739
00:45:24,628 --> 00:45:27,898
This office's gonna to be a catastrophe,
sir, now that I've got momentum on it,

740
00:45:27,998 --> 00:45:31,969
- you're saying it's your idea?
- That's life in the big city, Pam Henry.

741
00:45:32,069 --> 00:45:34,510
Mr. Speaker, may I introduce Miss Eckle...

742
00:45:34,610 --> 00:45:36,370
- from my district?
- Hi.

743
00:45:36,470 --> 00:45:38,643
- Thank you for your help.
- Thank you, sir.

744
00:45:38,743 --> 00:45:43,497
You spoke to the people last night
and my moon base is gonna pass now.

745
00:45:43,597 --> 00:45:49,554
Now I long dreamed of this amazing
galactic outpost protecting us all.

746
00:45:49,654 --> 00:45:52,190
After it was my dream.

747
00:45:52,490 --> 00:45:56,060
I guess everyone's dreams. Let's take the picture.

748
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:59,397
- Can my friends be in it?
- Sure, of course.

749
00:45:59,497 --> 00:46:03,101
- Oh, you mean these friends.
- Howard. Alright.

750
00:46:03,201 --> 00:46:07,421
Mr. Speaker, I'm working as a
prophet for all uninsured people

751
00:46:07,521 --> 00:46:12,102
as depicted in this original
watercolor made by my beautiful woman.

752
00:46:12,476 --> 00:46:15,813
- Is that supposed to be me?
- That's the black you, baby girl.

753
00:46:15,913 --> 00:46:17,880
- Awesome.
- Let's take the picture.

754
00:46:24,122 --> 00:46:26,490
Why you sitting sidesaddle?

755
00:46:26,590 --> 00:46:28,692
Oh, it's good to sit.

756
00:46:28,792 --> 00:46:31,462
I'm sorry, guys, we just don't
have that kind of time right now.

757
00:46:31,562 --> 00:46:33,130
I think they're a little confused about the event.

758
00:46:33,230 --> 00:46:36,300
- No, they're fine.
- Yeah. You guys must be confused.

759
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,584
No, I thought we were just going to
attach our little emergency care bill

760
00:46:39,684 --> 00:46:45,009
onto the big moon base thing, you know,
little satellites just orbiting the big moon

761
00:46:45,109 --> 00:46:48,512
because of-of my TV thing last night.
I mean, that's what we talked about.

762
00:46:48,612 --> 00:46:50,481
- That wasn't confusing.
- No, it wasn't.

763
00:46:50,581 --> 00:46:52,532
I don't think Howard meant that
literally, did you, Howard?

764
00:46:52,632 --> 00:46:54,844
- Well, how else would he mean it?
- Like a lie?

765
00:46:54,944 --> 00:46:56,694
Lying doesn't square with God.

766
00:46:56,794 --> 00:46:59,857
So true, you know, that's life in Washington.

767
00:46:59,957 --> 00:47:03,928
Look, I got a big appointment at the White House.

768
00:47:04,028 --> 00:47:06,430
And, um... I, um...

769
00:47:06,430 --> 00:47:09,334
You know, I-I'd love to sit and
discuss this all with you.

770
00:47:09,434 --> 00:47:11,102
I'd very much like to come with you.

771
00:47:11,202 --> 00:47:14,905
How can you go to the White House
and not bring me? This was my idea.

772
00:47:15,005 --> 00:47:18,409
It's just between me and the President.

773
00:47:18,509 --> 00:47:21,224
What if we really did get Shakira?

774
00:47:21,324 --> 00:47:24,045
- What?
- What's Shakira?

775
00:47:25,116 --> 00:47:27,671
What if we really did do Alice's law?

776
00:47:27,771 --> 00:47:30,321
- Alice's law?
- Alice's law?

777
00:47:30,421 --> 00:47:33,196
Something small, something specific.
Nothing that's big.

778
00:47:33,296 --> 00:47:34,992
Nothing that would cause a big debate.

779
00:47:35,092 --> 00:47:38,729
Just in addition to military moon
base satellite defense project.

780
00:47:38,829 --> 00:47:41,198
What does he mean, really get Shakira?

781
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,402
- Who's Shakira?
- Those are interesting ideas.

782
00:47:44,502 --> 00:47:48,172
- However, we don't have time right now.
- She hates when anyone else gets an idea.

783
00:47:48,272 --> 00:47:51,075
That's not true. I love when
other people have ideas.

784
00:47:51,175 --> 00:47:55,113
I adore the process, which in
reality takes time and compromise.

785
00:47:55,213 --> 00:47:59,447
Like a great relationship, it never works.
Not us, baby. We gonna survive.

786
00:47:59,547 --> 00:48:01,752
So very sorry, guys. Another time, for sure, soon.

787
00:48:01,852 --> 00:48:03,788
- What's happening?
- They're not gonna help us, Marsha

788
00:48:03,888 --> 00:48:05,523
and you're not gonna get Shakira, either.

789
00:48:05,623 --> 00:48:07,525
- Is that true?
- That's not true.

790
00:48:07,625 --> 00:48:09,693
- No Shakira?
- Oh, there will be a Shakira.

791
00:48:09,793 --> 00:48:14,131
Of course, there will be Shakira.
Or Shakira-related merchandise.

792
00:48:14,231 --> 00:48:17,654
If I don't see some proof right now,
I'm calling a press conference

793
00:48:17,754 --> 00:48:21,505
saying how Congress boned the Girl
Squaws and I'll fuck shit up.

794
00:48:21,905 --> 00:48:24,041
Why don't we just calm down, Marsha?

795
00:48:24,141 --> 00:48:26,043
Get off me, Judas.

796
00:48:26,143 --> 00:48:29,146
- Sound the Squaw alarm.
- No, no, don't sound the Squaw alarm.

797
00:48:31,348 --> 00:48:33,525
Mr. Speaker, breathe.

798
00:48:33,925 --> 00:48:37,455
- Breathe. Mr.-Mr. Speaker, breath.
- I know the Heimlich. Watch out.

799
00:48:37,555 --> 00:48:38,923
Oh, my...

800
00:48:44,462 --> 00:48:46,964
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Speaker, we'll do it your way!

801
00:48:47,064 --> 00:48:49,751
- You're caving?
- Mr. Speaker is choking! Get help!

802
00:48:49,851 --> 00:48:53,104
- EMT's on the way!
- This man is choking on your issue.

803
00:48:55,205 --> 00:48:58,472
We have to clear the airway.

804
00:49:02,513 --> 00:49:06,183
- Do something.
- He doesn't want it. He doesn't want it.

805
00:49:07,318 --> 00:49:09,887
Oh, my God, he's dying. He's dying.

806
00:49:09,987 --> 00:49:13,555
- Howard, rip open his shirt.
- OK, OK.

807
00:49:15,626 --> 00:49:17,062
Clear!

808
00:49:18,596 --> 00:49:19,697
- Here, let me try.
- No, I got it.

809
00:49:19,797 --> 00:49:22,000
No, wait, he's my boss. Plus
I've always wanted to do this.

810
00:49:22,100 --> 00:49:23,490
OK. God.

811
00:49:24,811 --> 00:49:28,228
- Let me try it! Wait, he's my boss!
- You're doing it...

812
00:49:28,328 --> 00:49:31,542
- Let him help you!
- He was my boss before he was your boss.

813
00:49:31,642 --> 00:49:33,411
It's broken. It's broken.

814
00:49:33,511 --> 00:49:36,203
I'll save him. It's not broken.
You're not doing it right.

815
00:49:37,114 --> 00:49:40,985
Stay with us, Mr. Speaker. You're my mentor.

816
00:49:41,085 --> 00:49:42,718
We're not gonna lose him!

817
00:50:12,082 --> 00:50:13,915
Wow.

818
00:50:16,954 --> 00:50:19,990
What's going on? Why are you watching this?

819
00:50:20,090 --> 00:50:23,260
- Alice is on TV.
- What? We were gonna watch "Terminator."

820
00:50:23,360 --> 00:50:24,895
- Brenda, can you move?
- I made popcorn.

821
00:50:24,995 --> 00:50:26,296
- I know.
- I slept over.

822
00:50:26,396 --> 00:50:30,690
Brenda, I told you that there's a 55-45%
chance that I couldn't get over Alice.

823
00:50:30,790 --> 00:50:33,398
Now that's going to 70-30. She's amazing.

824
00:50:33,498 --> 00:50:37,027
Amazing? She has a damaged head.

825
00:50:37,127 --> 00:50:41,946
OK. 65-35. But I might still be in love with her.

826
00:50:42,046 --> 00:50:44,582
Your numbers are garbage to me.

827
00:50:45,582 --> 00:50:49,184
Call me, though, because I don't
know how this is gonna turn out.

828
00:50:51,188 --> 00:50:55,686
This man that I hoped... I hope and pray to him.

829
00:50:56,594 --> 00:50:59,330
I just wanted to let you know how
horrible I feel about what happened

830
00:50:59,430 --> 00:51:02,075
and if that defibrillator
hadn't broken, it would have...

831
00:51:02,175 --> 00:51:06,504
It wasn't the defibrillator. He choked to death.

832
00:51:06,604 --> 00:51:11,341
But I asked God for help in
fulfilling big shoes of...

833
00:51:11,441 --> 00:51:15,112
What is she doing here with her
weird band of confederates?

834
00:51:15,212 --> 00:51:18,882
Oh, I'm sure she just, uh...
feels bad about yesterday.

835
00:51:18,982 --> 00:51:21,452
- She's just...
- Yeah, go manage it.

836
00:51:21,552 --> 00:51:23,854
OK, I got it managed. Take it off your mind.

837
00:51:23,954 --> 00:51:26,053
- I've got it.
- Good.

838
00:51:26,557 --> 00:51:32,062
Buck McCoy was a cold, I mean... He was my mentor.

839
00:51:33,465 --> 00:51:37,088
Are you still being weird? Because
if you can't stop being weird,

840
00:51:37,188 --> 00:51:40,338
- get away from me.
- Why? Feeling guilty for some reason?

841
00:51:40,438 --> 00:51:42,806
What are you talking about?
Why should I feel guilty?

842
00:51:42,906 --> 00:51:44,875
I saw you unplug the wire.

843
00:51:45,275 --> 00:51:49,037
That is an outrageous accusation.
Did anyone else see?

844
00:51:49,137 --> 00:51:53,150
No, just me. I'm the only one
who's in on the... murder.

845
00:51:53,250 --> 00:51:57,187
Fate gave us a break, for God's sake.
Don't get all crumbly on me.

846
00:51:57,287 --> 00:51:59,123
I need to practice my eulogy, Edwin.

847
00:51:59,223 --> 00:52:01,990
This is my moment. You need to support me.

848
00:52:05,663 --> 00:52:07,462
He was my mentor.

849
00:52:10,267 --> 00:52:14,135
Hi... can you guys move over?

850
00:52:15,806 --> 00:52:17,638
Thanks.

851
00:52:19,209 --> 00:52:21,328
- What?
- Get away from me.

852
00:52:21,428 --> 00:52:24,782
I cannot believe I trusted you. You
were supposed to take care of me.

853
00:52:25,315 --> 00:52:29,620
So I sort of lied a little bit, OK? And
I-and I didn't understand what I was doing.

854
00:52:29,720 --> 00:52:32,823
And, you know, I got caught up in the system, yes.

855
00:52:32,923 --> 00:52:36,426
But I got inspired by you.
And now I might lose my job.

856
00:52:36,526 --> 00:52:38,853
So what?

857
00:52:41,798 --> 00:52:43,233
Was that something about the nail?

858
00:52:43,333 --> 00:52:45,602
- Yes. God.
- Let me get that removed, OK?

859
00:52:45,702 --> 00:52:49,199
We have great healthcare in Congress and
I could give you my surgery voucher.

860
00:52:49,299 --> 00:52:51,852
Is that like a Shakira voucher
or is it a real voucher?

861
00:52:51,952 --> 00:52:54,211
That's a real voucher.

862
00:52:54,311 --> 00:52:57,581
- Well, what about my friends?
- Yeah, we'll take some of that, amigo.

863
00:52:57,681 --> 00:52:59,917
What? Do I look like I'm made
out of vouchers over here?

864
00:53:00,017 --> 00:53:03,537
I have one major surgery voucher,
and I'm offering it to you.

865
00:53:03,637 --> 00:53:08,558
I can't get this thing out until everyone
can get help, OK? I'm thinking bigger.

866
00:53:09,760 --> 00:53:11,204
That's awesome, Alice,

867
00:53:11,304 --> 00:53:13,563
but you're never going to get that
bill passed until you're dead.

868
00:53:13,663 --> 00:53:16,649
Either from that thing in your
head or from your old age, OK?

869
00:53:16,749 --> 00:53:20,220
And I care about you a lot. And I
don't want to see you die, OK?

870
00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:23,874
There's gotta be some way or
else my country totally sucks.

871
00:53:23,974 --> 00:53:25,776
It's imposs...

872
00:53:25,976 --> 00:53:29,146
It's impossible unless something
extremely dramatic happens very soon.

873
00:53:29,246 --> 00:53:30,748
And the Speaker of the House just choked to death.

874
00:53:30,848 --> 00:53:33,717
So I think we're out of drama right now.

875
00:53:38,222 --> 00:53:40,376
Watch this.

876
00:53:40,791 --> 00:53:44,161
What are you doing? Wait, no. Stop. Stop. Stop it.

877
00:53:44,561 --> 00:53:50,130
- This man... was a great hero.
- No, wait, stop, stop.

878
00:53:52,313 --> 00:53:53,323
What?

879
00:53:54,671 --> 00:53:58,392
What an American hero this man was! Come on!

880
00:53:58,492 --> 00:53:59,841
Oh, God.

881
00:54:07,351 --> 00:54:08,880
Come on, people!

882
00:54:10,140 --> 00:54:11,578
Thank you.

883
00:54:17,644 --> 00:54:20,197
Thank you. Thank you, bless you.

884
00:54:20,297 --> 00:54:23,533
I know, I know he was a great man.

885
00:54:23,633 --> 00:54:26,036
I know him and I loved him,
too, and he changed my life.

886
00:54:26,236 --> 00:54:29,072
- Thank you.
- Hugging the widow.

887
00:54:29,172 --> 00:54:31,575
No. The widow hugs me.

888
00:54:32,845 --> 00:54:36,310
And I'm gonna tell the truth about him, right now.

889
00:54:38,815 --> 00:54:39,921
I just want to give you a hug.

890
00:54:40,021 --> 00:54:42,386
No. She's gonna tell the truth about Buck now.

891
00:54:42,486 --> 00:54:45,289
She's not gonna tell the truth about Buck.
She doesn't even know Buck.

892
00:54:45,389 --> 00:54:47,865
You don't know anything about Buck either.
You just wanted his job

893
00:54:47,965 --> 00:54:51,152
and now you have it. Now, sit.

894
00:55:03,073 --> 00:55:08,178
What a sad, sad occasion it is that
has brought us together today.

895
00:55:09,517 --> 00:55:14,595
And you're probably wondering who I am. Well,
I'm nobody. I'm just a regular citizen...

896
00:55:14,695 --> 00:55:19,423
that Congressman McCoy took the time to see...

897
00:55:20,090 --> 00:55:22,092
on the last day of his life.

898
00:55:22,492 --> 00:55:24,281
Because...

899
00:55:24,431 --> 00:55:28,229
he was a generous... and caring man.

900
00:55:30,734 --> 00:55:34,577
I was there. I was there when he died...

901
00:55:36,240 --> 00:55:40,497
trying to Heimlich the cookie
chunks from the Speaker's throat,

902
00:55:40,597 --> 00:55:43,914
but we just couldn't Heimlich
enough and I blame myself.

903
00:55:44,014 --> 00:55:48,650
- Don't blame yourself.
- I do. No, I do. I blame myself.

904
00:55:51,788 --> 00:55:55,139
I'm a woman with a nail in my
head that I cannot afford to fix,

905
00:55:55,239 --> 00:55:57,394
which might hemorrhage and kill me at any time.

906
00:56:01,665 --> 00:56:04,116
But he was a man...

907
00:56:04,216 --> 00:56:08,181
who I have learned... happily crushed...

908
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:11,973
every piece of health legislation
that he could get his hands on

909
00:56:12,073 --> 00:56:14,378
during his 31-year career.

910
00:56:14,978 --> 00:56:19,817
But... do you know what his last dying words were?

911
00:56:20,517 --> 00:56:23,988
I do. Because he said them to me.

912
00:56:25,088 --> 00:56:26,557
He said...

913
00:56:27,557 --> 00:56:29,226
he said, "Alice...

914
00:56:29,626 --> 00:56:34,915
Alice, if a congressman had a nail in his head,

915
00:56:35,015 --> 00:56:39,953
Congress would pay to have it
removed." That's what he said.

916
00:56:40,053 --> 00:56:43,573
Congress would pay to have it removed.

917
00:56:43,873 --> 00:56:48,879
Why can't you and all Americans be
shown that same human decency? Why?

918
00:56:49,179 --> 00:56:51,034
Why can't we?

919
00:56:51,134 --> 00:56:54,052
This is not fair." he said. And he said,

920
00:56:54,722 --> 00:56:56,520
"Let's just forget about the moon base.

921
00:56:56,620 --> 00:56:59,523
Forget about it. We have
plenty of defense already.

922
00:56:59,823 --> 00:57:03,093
And let's pass the emergency
healthcare law instead."

923
00:57:04,761 --> 00:57:06,854
He reversed his position.

924
00:57:08,865 --> 00:57:12,833
It's true. I knew he always had it in him.

925
00:57:12,943 --> 00:57:15,505
My husband was a big-hearted man.

926
00:57:15,605 --> 00:57:18,542
Yes, he was. Yes, he was.

927
00:57:18,642 --> 00:57:23,314
Let's do this. This was his dying wish.

928
00:57:24,114 --> 00:57:28,218
Let's do it for Buck McCoy.

929
00:57:28,318 --> 00:57:30,378
Yes!

930
00:58:00,050 --> 00:58:02,278
- Tell us about your injury.
- What else did Buck say before he died?

931
00:58:02,378 --> 00:58:05,555
- Were you attacked with a nail gun?
- Where's Howard?

932
00:58:05,655 --> 00:58:07,312
- There he is!
- There he is!

933
00:58:09,126 --> 00:58:11,161
Howard!

934
00:58:11,461 --> 00:58:14,757
- Did he embrace legalizing medical marijuana?
- And what about stem cells?

935
00:58:14,857 --> 00:58:17,189
I-I-I don't know. I-I-I-I don't know.

936
00:58:18,635 --> 00:58:21,169
Maybe yes on the medical marijuana.

937
00:58:38,888 --> 00:58:41,424
How was that for dramatic?

938
00:58:41,524 --> 00:58:46,063
You were amazing. That was like...
political karate.

939
00:58:46,163 --> 00:58:49,266
I mean, you hijacked the legacy
of a major political career

940
00:58:49,366 --> 00:58:53,403
and then you just... transformed
the chi over to our cause.

941
00:58:53,503 --> 00:58:55,338
- I know, right?
- You're inspiring.

942
00:58:55,438 --> 00:58:58,525
You are a fantastic liar, and
for all the right reasons.

943
00:58:58,625 --> 00:59:01,611
Oh, honey, you taught me how to lie to get
what I want because you did it to me.

944
00:59:01,711 --> 00:59:03,213
- But you're the better liar.
- It's you.

945
00:59:03,313 --> 00:59:05,048
You're the best liar. You're the better liar.

946
00:59:05,148 --> 00:59:07,250
- No, no.
- You are the better liar.

947
00:59:07,350 --> 00:59:10,451
You're a better liar. Like, top tier liar.

948
00:59:12,355 --> 00:59:14,658
Are you still mad at me?

949
00:59:14,758 --> 00:59:17,911
No. I can see you were stuck in a
situation that wasn't really you.

950
00:59:18,011 --> 00:59:22,630
I definitely think we inspire each other.
And... I think I'm in love with you.

951
00:59:24,501 --> 00:59:26,554
I think I'm in love with you, too.

952
00:59:26,854 --> 00:59:30,473
Alice. You were filled with the divine spirit.

953
00:59:30,573 --> 00:59:33,343
You know what? You touched the magic.
And that ain't easy, believe me.

954
00:59:33,443 --> 00:59:37,214
I have been on many a pulpit. And
I have oft... But you soared.

955
00:59:37,314 --> 00:59:40,188
Couldn't have did it better myself.

956
00:59:40,884 --> 00:59:43,687
Alice, everyone wants to see you.
It's so exciting.

957
00:59:43,787 --> 00:59:48,825
Congress guy, Pam Henry, wants to
see you, but in a bad, scary way.

958
00:59:48,925 --> 00:59:51,795
- That is scary.
- Why is that scary?

959
00:59:51,895 --> 00:59:53,997
You smacked down on the most
important member of the House

960
00:59:54,097 --> 00:59:56,466
after we killed the other most
important member of the House.

961
00:59:56,566 --> 00:59:59,669
And Pam Henry plays rough. She's a
take-no-prisoners kind of gal, OK?

962
00:59:59,769 --> 01:00:02,605
She's going to do us and
smear us across the floor.

963
01:00:02,705 --> 01:00:05,132
I'm just saying, it's not going
to be good times, Beach Boys.

964
01:00:05,232 --> 01:00:07,577
OK. Well, bring it 'cause we can take her.

965
01:00:07,677 --> 01:00:10,684
- Let's go.
- Yeah... Maybe...

966
01:00:10,784 --> 01:00:14,351
maybe we can. You know, I wanna...
I wanna say that I love you.

967
01:00:14,451 --> 01:00:17,663
I wannna be the kind of man who
stays here and fights for you

968
01:00:17,763 --> 01:00:20,764
and, uh, all the sad, injured people without money.

969
01:00:20,864 --> 01:00:22,526
You're a good man.

970
01:00:22,726 --> 01:00:25,563
- Thanks, Norm.
- Howard, what are you doing?

971
01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:27,854
Look, it's just kind of a gigantic deal, you know,

972
01:00:27,954 --> 01:00:30,278
when you go against your party and
all the big bosses who got you here.

973
01:00:30,378 --> 01:00:33,453
So I'm just going to need to take
a minute and, uh, think about this.

974
01:00:33,554 --> 01:00:37,141
Wait, you can't just leave. You have to
introduce our bill in the new session.

975
01:00:37,241 --> 01:00:41,912
And you've got to be with me and stuff.
Howard, come on. We're a team.

976
01:00:42,112 --> 01:00:45,934
Listen, I am going to be there.
I swear on my life.

977
01:00:46,584 --> 01:00:49,775
Howard, Pam Henry wants to see you,
and you better come right now!

978
01:00:49,875 --> 01:00:54,669
You tell her that I'm gonna be there, alright?
I swear on my life!

979
01:01:00,597 --> 01:01:05,135
Behold, I would wander far away. I would
remain in the wilderness. Psalm 55.

980
01:01:05,235 --> 01:01:09,206
Some folks go crazier than a
shithouse rat and let you down.

981
01:01:09,306 --> 01:01:12,085
Aunt Veknuckle, '87.

982
01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:16,780
He's a complicated, beautiful man
and he is not gonna let me down.

983
01:01:16,880 --> 01:01:21,151
As National Grand Sacajawea of all Girl Squaws,

984
01:01:21,251 --> 01:01:26,890
I apologize for the total bummer of
not getting Shakira like I said.

985
01:01:26,990 --> 01:01:31,128
But, as payback to the guys
who lied and let us down...

986
01:01:31,428 --> 01:01:34,664
I propose that we direct our efforts to Congress

987
01:01:34,764 --> 01:01:39,469
to get the nail out, for Alice, and
all Americans, in such trouble.

988
01:01:39,569 --> 01:01:43,605
This is Alice. Let's welcome her to the Squaws.

989
01:01:46,677 --> 01:01:51,615
If you're on a Girl Squaw campout and
an ax gets imbedded in your femur...

990
01:01:51,715 --> 01:01:55,269
or your face is badly burned
in a s'mores accident,

991
01:01:55,369 --> 01:01:59,490
you will be protected by this bill
even if your family is badly insured.

992
01:02:00,490 --> 01:02:03,197
And we have a new special edition cookie

993
01:02:03,297 --> 01:02:06,463
to replace the discontinued
hazardous moon base cookies.

994
01:02:06,763 --> 01:02:09,883
It's the Alice Nail in the Head cookie.
Soft and non-chuckable.

995
01:02:09,983 --> 01:02:13,403
We will use these cookies to build
support for our healthcare bill.

996
01:02:13,503 --> 01:02:15,329
Here, here.

997
01:02:15,429 --> 01:02:17,809
- Here, here.
- Here, here.

998
01:02:38,362 --> 01:02:40,631
Damn it. Girl Squaws are knocking the moon base

999
01:02:40,731 --> 01:02:42,666
- literally off the front pages.
- And the blogs.

1000
01:02:42,766 --> 01:02:44,735
And they're camping in front of the
Capitol, if you can believe that.

1001
01:02:44,835 --> 01:02:48,186
Females are running nine to one in favor
of the Alice bill over the moon base.

1002
01:02:48,286 --> 01:02:50,390
- We gotta do something.
- Well, I did deploy the poison oak spray.

1003
01:02:50,490 --> 01:02:51,542
We're not animals.

1004
01:02:51,542 --> 01:02:53,944
We have to do something to
knock them off at the knees.

1005
01:02:54,044 --> 01:02:55,946
- It's so wrong.
- Why don't we just kill them?

1006
01:02:56,046 --> 01:02:59,216
Hey, that topic's over. Let's focus.

1007
01:02:59,316 --> 01:03:02,619
Do they really have a viral video
out against the moon base?

1008
01:03:02,719 --> 01:03:06,290
Yes, that is true. It is very popular
and it's doing a lot of damage.

1009
01:03:06,390 --> 01:03:07,625
Curses.

1010
01:03:07,725 --> 01:03:11,478
She's got a nail in her head and her
family's got a piece of crap HMO.

1011
01:03:11,578 --> 01:03:15,262
We have no choice but to perform
unlicensed home surgery. Scalpel, please.

1012
01:03:15,362 --> 01:03:17,567
Quickly, quickly.

1013
01:03:21,705 --> 01:03:23,238
She's hemorrhaging!

1014
01:03:25,108 --> 01:03:27,815
But at least we have a moon base!

1015
01:03:30,881 --> 01:03:32,549
Well, they can camp on YouTube all they want.

1016
01:03:32,749 --> 01:03:35,219
I'll make sure nobody will introduce their bill.

1017
01:03:35,319 --> 01:03:37,888
Howard's in hiding. No way he'll help them.

1018
01:03:37,988 --> 01:03:39,589
What about the pro healthcare
guy across the aisle?

1019
01:03:39,689 --> 01:03:41,024
Oh, they're pushovers.

1020
01:03:41,124 --> 01:03:44,428
I already threatened to cut public housing
and dangle the multicultural rainbow package

1021
01:03:44,528 --> 01:03:47,030
and they were so freaking happy
to take it, it was pathetic.

1022
01:03:47,130 --> 01:03:50,965
Yeah, but these Squaws, they're tough.
We need something strong to stop them.

1023
01:03:52,335 --> 01:03:54,040
Hold it.

1024
01:03:56,006 --> 01:03:57,372
I've got something.

1025
01:04:04,581 --> 01:04:07,443
- There's pasta primavera right there.
- Extra spicy.

1026
01:04:08,585 --> 01:04:12,923
<i>Some people want us to raise taxes
to pay for socialist medicine.</i>

1027
01:04:13,023 --> 01:04:16,360
<i>Maybe these people are bad
news because they're lesbians.</i>

1028
01:04:16,460 --> 01:04:20,230
<i>Marsha Weber is the number two leader
of the movement behind Alice Eckle,</i>

1029
01:04:20,330 --> 01:04:23,667
<i>raised in a family lesbian cult led by this woman.</i>

1030
01:04:23,767 --> 01:04:28,672
<i>Committed to spreading lesbianism, door
to door, by other Girl Squaws of America.</i>

1031
01:04:28,772 --> 01:04:32,676
<i>Marsha Weber has been an influence for many years.</i>

1032
01:04:32,776 --> 01:04:34,544
<i>Stop the gay poison.</i>

1033
01:04:34,644 --> 01:04:39,383
<i>Tell your representatives you are
against the Catastrophic Care bill.</i>

1034
01:04:40,351 --> 01:04:44,521
Listen up, girls. More calamine lotion
for the poison oak has just arrived.

1035
01:04:44,621 --> 01:04:46,306
You can get some at the first aid tent.

1036
01:04:46,406 --> 01:04:48,103
I don't know. It might be true.

1037
01:04:48,203 --> 01:04:51,061
- How do I know?
- Hopefully, that won't hurt us too much.

1038
01:04:51,161 --> 01:04:53,697
I mean you be you, Marsha. That's
what I mean. I support you.

1039
01:04:53,797 --> 01:04:55,799
Tell us about the tragedy of your gayness.

1040
01:04:58,769 --> 01:05:00,604
Don't hold my hand anymore, Marsha.

1041
01:05:00,704 --> 01:05:03,573
Hey, come on. Stick together, you guys.

1042
01:05:03,673 --> 01:05:06,887
I will not rest until I hunt down
whoever made this deplorable ad

1043
01:05:06,987 --> 01:05:09,713
slamming a nine-year-old girl. It was disgusting.

1044
01:05:09,813 --> 01:05:13,784
Though in no way do I support
child lesbianism. Thank you.

1045
01:05:14,484 --> 01:05:16,683
I need a new sign. I'm lost.

1046
01:05:16,783 --> 01:05:19,623
We're all lost. Congress
is back, but Howard's not.

1047
01:05:19,723 --> 01:05:23,793
Pam Henry either bribed or scared
anyone who might sponsor our law.

1048
01:05:23,893 --> 01:05:26,630
I keep blacking out for a second.

1049
01:05:26,730 --> 01:05:28,332
Thanks.

1050
01:05:28,432 --> 01:05:30,500
Marsha, have your trackers
found anything on Howard?

1051
01:05:30,600 --> 01:05:32,803
They picked up his trail through
credit card transactions,

1052
01:05:32,903 --> 01:05:34,993
- but they lost it in Virginia.
- God!

1053
01:05:45,382 --> 01:05:47,284
I understood the word "Howard."

1054
01:05:47,384 --> 01:05:49,286
Alice!

1055
01:05:49,586 --> 01:05:51,855
Your super cute boyfriend's here to see you.

1056
01:05:51,955 --> 01:05:53,821
Howard.

1057
01:05:55,959 --> 01:05:58,053
Scott.

1058
01:05:58,211 --> 01:06:01,138
- What are you doing here?
- Just bringing you some comfort food.

1059
01:06:01,238 --> 01:06:03,467
Chili cheeseburger with salsa fries.

1060
01:06:03,567 --> 01:06:08,038
They might be a little cold, but...
they still taste like home.

1061
01:06:08,138 --> 01:06:10,974
- Alice, don't you miss home?
- Of course I do.

1062
01:06:11,074 --> 01:06:12,910
Alice, I'm sorry, I screwed up.

1063
01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:15,746
You know, you're... you're a lot
of woman for a man to handle.

1064
01:06:15,746 --> 01:06:17,915
And, honestly, I wasn't up for it, before.

1065
01:06:18,165 --> 01:06:21,852
But I am now. I'm so proud of you.
I just... I really am.

1066
01:06:21,952 --> 01:06:23,854
Come on, we can be at Rusty's in 10 hours.

1067
01:06:24,154 --> 01:06:26,790
Scott, this is a lot to take in right now.
It's freaking me out.

1068
01:06:26,890 --> 01:06:30,226
OK, well, I don't want to freak you out.
Just take your time. I'm here for you.

1069
01:06:30,326 --> 01:06:32,485
I know it's going to get rough.
Tomorrow's Harris polls shows you

1070
01:06:32,585 --> 01:06:36,867
- dead even with the opposition.
- Wait a minute. What?

1071
01:06:36,967 --> 01:06:39,469
Nobody knows tomorrow's Harris
numbers unless they're in Congress.

1072
01:06:39,569 --> 01:06:41,257
Did somebody put you up to this to mess with me?

1073
01:06:41,357 --> 01:06:45,876
No, no way. One of your little girl spies
told me about the polls when I got here.

1074
01:06:45,976 --> 01:06:48,396
It's a lie! He...

1075
01:06:48,496 --> 01:06:52,981
Hey, you shut, shut your mouth! That's not
even true. We talked for a minute. Go.

1076
01:06:54,951 --> 01:06:58,689
Alright. Pam Henry brought me here.
I'm not a very good liar, Alice.

1077
01:06:58,789 --> 01:07:01,831
But look, they offered to make me post
commander and fund the entire squadron,

1078
01:07:01,931 --> 01:07:04,528
for photon tasers and Oakleys, if I
could just get you to come home.

1079
01:07:04,628 --> 01:07:06,601
And I thought, that's not a bad thing.
I want you home.

1080
01:07:06,701 --> 01:07:10,667
Those rat bastards. What about my injury, Scott?

1081
01:07:10,767 --> 01:07:14,071
What about all the people
here that I'm trying to help?

1082
01:07:14,171 --> 01:07:15,739
Well...

1083
01:07:15,839 --> 01:07:19,276
Where is the guy who will just
think bigger than just himself?

1084
01:07:19,376 --> 01:07:22,946
That's me. I'm right here. I wanna
be that guy, Alice, please.

1085
01:07:23,046 --> 01:07:25,715
Give me another shot. I can be that guy.
I want to give you foot massages.

1086
01:07:25,815 --> 01:07:29,597
I want to take baths with you. I want to take
your issue to the City Council, or something.

1087
01:07:29,697 --> 01:07:31,454
I want you back, nail and all.

1088
01:07:31,554 --> 01:07:33,023
- Please...
- I miss you.

1089
01:07:33,123 --> 01:07:35,158
- I love you more than anything.
- Please don't.

1090
01:07:35,258 --> 01:07:38,595
- My precious honeycomb cluster.
- God.

1091
01:07:38,695 --> 01:07:40,064
- Honeycomb cluster.
- Stop.

1092
01:07:40,164 --> 01:07:42,532
Honeycomb cluster. Honeycomb...

1093
01:07:46,970 --> 01:07:49,306
I learned it for you.

1094
01:07:49,906 --> 01:07:52,109
I want to support you. What do you need?

1095
01:07:52,209 --> 01:07:55,979
- She needs a sponsor!
- Guys, please, can I have a second?

1096
01:07:56,379 --> 01:07:58,376
It's true. I need a sponsor.

1097
01:07:58,476 --> 01:08:00,450
Oh, my God, what are you hooked on? Coke? Meth?

1098
01:08:00,550 --> 01:08:04,021
Not a rehab sponsor, a sponsor for my law.
Nobody in Congress will introduce it.

1099
01:08:04,121 --> 01:08:07,424
Our only hope's disappeared. Our
trackers lost his trail in Virginia.

1100
01:08:07,524 --> 01:08:12,396
- Let me help. What's this guy's name?
- Howard Birdwell.

1101
01:08:12,496 --> 01:08:16,333
I can probably use the brotherhood of
troopers to find this Howard Birdwell.

1102
01:08:16,433 --> 01:08:19,903
Scotty, if you would do that, I will be
grateful to you for the rest of my life.

1103
01:08:20,103 --> 01:08:23,206
The rest of our lives... together.

1104
01:08:23,706 --> 01:08:27,243
That's how it's gonna be. I'm
gonna find this guy, alright?

1105
01:08:29,112 --> 01:08:33,050
You should marry him even if he does
bring Howard back. He is a dreamboat.

1106
01:08:33,150 --> 01:08:35,585
Don't you have water rations
to deliver or something?

1107
01:08:35,685 --> 01:08:38,822
Breaker 1-9, this is Officer Scott
Beardsley, Indiana State Trooper.

1108
01:08:38,922 --> 01:08:42,225
Calling all my brothers for a 20
on Congressman Howard Birdwell.

1109
01:08:42,325 --> 01:08:44,928
Government plates G-9-5-7-5.

1110
01:08:45,028 --> 01:08:48,198
Activate LoJack, Alpha Bravo 6-4-9er. Over.

1111
01:08:48,298 --> 01:08:50,975
- Roger, Beardsley. Over.
- Copy that.

1112
01:08:51,075 --> 01:08:53,505
How you doing, ladies?

1113
01:09:16,893 --> 01:09:19,238
Where's Howard Birdwell?

1114
01:09:37,514 --> 01:09:40,047
It's best if you wait here.

1115
01:09:45,121 --> 01:09:47,690
Hey, Howard.

1116
01:09:57,434 --> 01:10:00,681
I'm Congressman Birdwell. Is
there a problem, Officer?

1117
01:10:01,571 --> 01:10:04,708
Wh-what is this, like a sex cult
thing or wh-what's the deal here?

1118
01:10:04,808 --> 01:10:08,976
It's a men's spiritual workshop.
How can I help you?

1119
01:10:11,214 --> 01:10:13,481
Alice needs you to introduce her bill
tomorrow and I'm here to get you...

1120
01:10:13,581 --> 01:10:17,287
- No, no. I can't go. I can't leave now.
- What do you mean? She... why?

1121
01:10:17,387 --> 01:10:21,024
Well, I came here to find my core and
I'm only two-thirds of the way there.

1122
01:10:21,124 --> 01:10:24,761
I have no idea what that means, but can
that happen, like, in the next half hour?

1123
01:10:24,861 --> 01:10:26,970
I am going as fast as I can.

1124
01:10:27,070 --> 01:10:30,300
They're not handing out cores left and right
like they are at those other workshops.

1125
01:10:30,400 --> 01:10:34,344
This is the real deal. And a lot depends on
what happens in the Circle of Shaman Fire.

1126
01:10:34,444 --> 01:10:38,341
- The circle of what?
- It's a special test where...

1127
01:10:41,778 --> 01:10:43,214
Hey, let him go!

1128
01:10:44,481 --> 01:10:46,847
This is why he's here.

1129
01:10:56,693 --> 01:10:57,894
Don't-don't mess him up.

1130
01:10:57,994 --> 01:11:00,428
Back off! I need to see what I'm made of!

1131
01:11:06,736 --> 01:11:09,606
Get him in the legs! Go for the legs! Get up!

1132
01:11:09,706 --> 01:11:12,807
Feint to the head, go for the body!
Feint to the head!

1133
01:11:17,114 --> 01:11:19,649
I can't watch you get hurt, buddy.
You're needed in Washington.

1134
01:11:21,037 --> 01:11:22,385
Let me do this!

1135
01:11:22,485 --> 01:11:26,987
It's dangerous to go until he
earns the trophy of his power.

1136
01:11:28,491 --> 01:11:31,461
Alright, you know what? I've never
been to one of these things before,

1137
01:11:31,561 --> 01:11:34,002
but I think you need to just take those
yourself without anyone's permission,

1138
01:11:34,102 --> 01:11:36,279
without this antler guy or
any of these loin cloths.

1139
01:11:36,379 --> 01:11:40,634
You do it on your terms. That's
how you become your own man.

1140
01:11:45,274 --> 01:11:47,008
Yeah.

1141
01:12:05,028 --> 01:12:07,997
That's right, man! That's how it's done!

1142
01:12:09,032 --> 01:12:11,600
Yeah! Get him!

1143
01:12:18,441 --> 01:12:23,013
This is a big setback for all of us
and a huge blow for me, personally.

1144
01:12:23,113 --> 01:12:26,088
We love you, Alice!

1145
01:12:26,783 --> 01:12:31,054
And your love definitely hasn't
let me down, even if my guy did.

1146
01:12:31,154 --> 01:12:33,878
But I think we're gonna have to
settle for what we've accomplished,

1147
01:12:33,978 --> 01:12:36,325
without introducing our bill.

1148
01:12:38,495 --> 01:12:41,296
I am the fire warrior!

1149
01:12:42,899 --> 01:12:45,302
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1150
01:12:50,540 --> 01:12:52,492
Howard. Howard.

1151
01:12:52,592 --> 01:12:55,824
I am the fire warrior!

1152
01:13:20,103 --> 01:13:24,674
I'm Howard Birdwell, Congress Man!

1153
01:13:33,483 --> 01:13:35,785
I have in my hand a pair of moose balls.

1154
01:13:35,885 --> 01:13:38,611
They give me the power to announce
that I'll be resigning from my party

1155
01:13:38,711 --> 01:13:41,958
and becoming Independent, which
will probably destroy my career!

1156
01:13:42,058 --> 01:13:44,992
<i>- Wow.
- Yeah!</i>

1157
01:13:47,664 --> 01:13:49,338
Tomorrow...

1158
01:13:49,438 --> 01:13:52,770
I will introduce, on the
floor of Congress, a bill...

1159
01:13:52,870 --> 01:13:56,372
that provides basic emergency healthcare

1160
01:13:56,472 --> 01:13:59,308
for all people.

1161
01:14:04,881 --> 01:14:09,149
Especially this woman... who put
a nail through my heart.

1162
01:14:15,959 --> 01:14:18,593
Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no!

1163
01:14:21,980 --> 01:14:23,032
- She's my girl, alright?
- Scott.

1164
01:14:23,132 --> 01:14:25,368
I got you for her bill. That's it.
No extracurriculars!

1165
01:14:25,468 --> 01:14:28,204
- Scott, please.
- Hey, that's not right!

1166
01:14:28,304 --> 01:14:31,808
- He's a fire warrior!
- You're actually with this-this antelope?

1167
01:14:31,908 --> 01:14:34,010
This guy that I found running
around the woods in a diaper?

1168
01:14:34,110 --> 01:14:36,179
That's your guy? He wouldn't have made it to...

1169
01:14:36,279 --> 01:14:38,480
You wouldn't have made it through the
Ring of Fire if it wasn't for me.

1170
01:14:38,580 --> 01:14:42,052
That's not true. I passed three fire
tests before you even got there.

1171
01:14:42,152 --> 01:14:45,121
- I saved you, man!
- Scott! Scott.

1172
01:14:45,621 --> 01:14:47,757
He gave me my first orgasm.

1173
01:14:48,157 --> 01:14:51,180
<i>- What's an orgasm?
- What the heck?</i>

1174
01:14:51,280 --> 01:14:52,427
What?

1175
01:14:55,064 --> 01:14:56,233
And her second.

1176
01:14:57,934 --> 01:15:02,304
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't
think you were gonna go and get him.

1177
01:15:03,072 --> 01:15:05,041
So you used me.

1178
01:15:05,141 --> 01:15:08,489
I didn't mean to, but I guess
I learned a couple of...

1179
01:15:08,589 --> 01:15:11,612
- manipulative tactics, here.
- From me.

1180
01:15:13,616 --> 01:15:16,953
- I'm so sorry, Scott. It's not easy.
- No, it's not easy.

1181
01:15:17,053 --> 01:15:20,857
You will always be the man I almost
married before I got a nail in my head.

1182
01:15:20,957 --> 01:15:23,960
Howard's the big-picture guy and
he's taking care of me now.

1183
01:15:24,060 --> 01:15:26,262
He's the big-picture guy?

1184
01:15:26,462 --> 01:15:28,953
I'm gonna tell you something. He's only
two-thirds of a man. He knows he is.

1185
01:15:29,053 --> 01:15:31,768
He's not gonna be there for you.
You mark my words.

1186
01:15:31,868 --> 01:15:35,472
I'm gonna be right here waiting for you
because I'm strong like that. Right, ladies?

1187
01:15:35,572 --> 01:15:37,941
You can't break up with Scotty. He's too cute!

1188
01:15:38,041 --> 01:15:40,807
- No, Howard's cuter.
- Scott's cuter.

1189
01:15:40,907 --> 01:15:44,613
Unlike some people who need to be rescued
like a little baby from the Ring of Fire.

1190
01:15:55,624 --> 01:15:58,292
Come on, everybody! Wake up!

1191
01:16:56,419 --> 01:16:58,735
Do your thing, girl.

1192
01:17:03,726 --> 01:17:06,423
- Pretty cool, isn't it?
- Yeah.

1193
01:17:07,980 --> 01:17:10,199
Howard. Oh, my God. There she is.

1194
01:17:10,299 --> 01:17:12,635
How are we gonna get anything
done with her as Speaker?

1195
01:17:12,735 --> 01:17:15,132
Let's just see how this goes.

1196
01:17:16,038 --> 01:17:17,969
As Majority Whip...

1197
01:17:18,069 --> 01:17:21,317
and acting Speaker of the
House of Representatives...

1198
01:17:21,417 --> 01:17:26,949
I declare this 110th Congress...
be called to order.

1199
01:17:32,522 --> 01:17:34,685
As this new session begins,

1200
01:17:34,785 --> 01:17:39,651
I want to demonstrate, what a fair
Speaker I intend to be, so that members

1201
01:17:39,751 --> 01:17:42,849
will keep that in mind, when they
vote for my confirmation, next week.

1202
01:17:42,999 --> 01:17:46,836
So in that spirit... is there any new business?

1203
01:17:47,536 --> 01:17:48,979
Madam Speaker,

1204
01:17:49,821 --> 01:17:54,782
I move to propose a basic Catastrophic
Care bill for all Americans!

1205
01:18:02,952 --> 01:18:07,390
Order! Order, please! We
have a motion on the floor.

1206
01:18:07,490 --> 01:18:09,159
Madam Speaker, please wait!

1207
01:18:09,759 --> 01:18:12,613
I hold in my hand some important
revelations that I believe

1208
01:18:12,713 --> 01:18:16,633
will affect the new bill Mr. Birdwell introduced.

1209
01:18:17,033 --> 01:18:18,668
- What have they got?
- I have no idea.

1210
01:18:18,768 --> 01:18:20,771
- You have no idea?
- I have no idea.

1211
01:18:24,407 --> 01:18:25,975
I'm-I'm...

1212
01:18:26,075 --> 01:18:29,145
This appears to be a signed affidavit...

1213
01:18:29,245 --> 01:18:31,070
showing that Mr. Birdwell

1214
01:18:31,230 --> 01:18:34,893
promised another woman lobbyist,
not just nine months ago,

1215
01:18:34,993 --> 01:18:39,555
that he would introduce a bill for
her, in exchange for sexual favors.

1216
01:18:41,491 --> 01:18:44,760
This pattern clearly continues today

1217
01:18:44,860 --> 01:18:48,498
with Mr. Birdwell's introduction
of this frivolous measure.

1218
01:18:49,128 --> 01:18:54,303
It is shocking that anyone can purchase
a congressman's influence with sex.

1219
01:18:54,403 --> 01:18:55,905
None of this is true!

1220
01:18:56,005 --> 01:18:59,140
Apparently, we have the woman, right here.

1221
01:19:04,947 --> 01:19:07,350
<i>I never had a lobbyist like that.</i>

1222
01:19:09,113 --> 01:19:10,620
She's something.

1223
01:19:10,720 --> 01:19:14,290
Madam Speaker, only members are
allowed to address Congress!

1224
01:19:14,390 --> 01:19:17,446
It's highly irregular... but I'm going to allow it,

1225
01:19:17,546 --> 01:19:21,097
given the severity of the charges and
how many tax dollars you've wasted.

1226
01:19:22,331 --> 01:19:25,401
Miss, what legislation did you use your hot body

1227
01:19:25,501 --> 01:19:27,794
to get Mr. Birdwell to introduce here?

1228
01:19:31,607 --> 01:19:34,944
He helped one of my clients
to develop handgun factories

1229
01:19:35,044 --> 01:19:37,880
in endangered spotted owl preserves.

1230
01:19:39,412 --> 01:19:41,517
I was told that the only
way that I could get funds,

1231
01:19:41,617 --> 01:19:44,420
for my colored glues and for good school stuff,

1232
01:19:44,520 --> 01:19:48,124
was if I put it aside in some...
private development deal,

1233
01:19:48,224 --> 01:19:51,460
which I now realize, was a factory for handguns.

1234
01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:53,916
It seems Mr. Birdwell's convictions

1235
01:19:54,016 --> 01:19:57,670
can be bought fairly easily if
you've got a nice pair of legs.

1236
01:19:57,770 --> 01:20:01,904
Look, you tried to do something good
and you got twisted up in the system.

1237
01:20:02,204 --> 01:20:04,007
This is just one woman. No big deal.

1238
01:20:04,107 --> 01:20:08,143
This isn't the only woman lobbyist Mr.
Birdwell slept with.

1239
01:20:13,782 --> 01:20:14,915
Howard.

1240
01:20:21,223 --> 01:20:22,905
This second woman...

1241
01:20:23,005 --> 01:20:26,829
got Mr. Birdwell to introduce a bill on...

1242
01:20:26,929 --> 01:20:29,368
- Dynamite fishing.
- You monster!

1243
01:20:29,468 --> 01:20:32,168
It was for polluted lakes with toxic fish.

1244
01:20:32,268 --> 01:20:34,145
And I had to get on the
board of that dynamite bill

1245
01:20:34,245 --> 01:20:36,539
if I was gonna get heard, at
all, on my colored glues.

1246
01:20:36,639 --> 01:20:39,005
<i>Yeah, whatever!</i>

1247
01:20:40,943 --> 01:20:42,812
- Alice.
- Alice, you alright?

1248
01:20:43,712 --> 01:20:45,988
- Wait!
- I am no one's tool.

1249
01:20:46,088 --> 01:20:48,151
I was trying to do something good.

1250
01:20:48,251 --> 01:20:51,521
And I had to support these other
bills that I hoped would go nowhere.

1251
01:20:51,621 --> 01:20:53,201
And you're doing it again today.

1252
01:20:53,331 --> 01:21:00,037
Just so you can get yourself a piece
of 25-year-old, roller waitress, ass.

1253
01:21:01,564 --> 01:21:02,713
This is different.

1254
01:21:02,813 --> 01:21:05,835
How are we supposed to know that? You
sell your influence all over the place.

1255
01:21:05,935 --> 01:21:09,739
You stand there now with your arm
around that red-dressed hussy.

1256
01:21:09,839 --> 01:21:12,842
This sounds like a possible
censure, involving ethics charges.

1257
01:21:12,942 --> 01:21:14,248
I'm afraid it does.

1258
01:21:14,348 --> 01:21:18,681
- Too bad! He deserves it!
- Scott, stop it!

1259
01:21:19,251 --> 01:21:20,983
Madam Speaker, I'd like to say something.

1260
01:21:21,083 --> 01:21:25,421
I am sorry. That's out of order. You can't
address the House. Rules are rules.

1261
01:21:25,521 --> 01:21:28,261
You let those other hot ladies speak!
Why can't Alice?

1262
01:21:28,361 --> 01:21:31,379
- Right.
- Otherwise, I can't fix my broke ass!

1263
01:21:31,961 --> 01:21:34,840
And other peoples' broken issues!

1264
01:21:35,865 --> 01:21:38,935
Even the most partisan battles demand fairness!

1265
01:21:39,035 --> 01:21:42,071
A-and you yourself said, your conduct here today

1266
01:21:42,171 --> 01:21:45,074
will-will be remembered tomorrow,
when we vote to confirm!

1267
01:21:45,174 --> 01:21:46,475
<i>Here, here!</i>

1268
01:21:46,575 --> 01:21:48,725
Here, here!

1269
01:21:49,045 --> 01:21:50,944
One minute.

1270
01:21:52,848 --> 01:21:55,952
You have the floor... for one minute.

1271
01:21:56,752 --> 01:22:00,156
- I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
- OK, OK. Are you OK?

1272
01:22:00,256 --> 01:22:01,288
What?

1273
01:22:10,733 --> 01:22:12,599
Sorry.

1274
01:22:15,738 --> 01:22:17,631
This bill...

1275
01:22:18,607 --> 01:22:23,012
is about more than... a single congressman...

1276
01:22:23,502 --> 01:22:25,815
or his lobbyist whores.

1277
01:22:26,315 --> 01:22:28,584
Because you know what?

1278
01:22:28,684 --> 01:22:32,335
Not everyone has really awesome healthcare,
like you guys do, here in Washington.

1279
01:22:32,822 --> 01:22:34,672
And all it takes is a gondola...

1280
01:22:35,491 --> 01:22:38,529
or an automatic power tool.

1281
01:22:38,995 --> 01:22:41,263
And... if you're uninsured

1282
01:22:41,363 --> 01:22:45,668
or if you're even crappily insured...

1283
01:22:46,268 --> 01:22:48,565
you're screwed

1284
01:22:48,665 --> 01:22:50,890
like me.

1285
01:22:51,907 --> 01:22:56,124
Or like him. Or like him. And is that cool?

1286
01:22:56,846 --> 01:23:00,423
It is not cool.

1287
01:23:00,523 --> 01:23:03,041
This is America, right?

1288
01:23:03,953 --> 01:23:06,521
And we do things right here and we help people.

1289
01:23:06,621 --> 01:23:08,738
And we take care of people here.

1290
01:23:10,417 --> 01:23:12,298
My head, it hurts.

1291
01:23:12,398 --> 01:23:14,397
- My face feels like it's gonna fall off.
- Alice?

1292
01:23:14,497 --> 01:23:16,593
I believe in...

1293
01:23:16,693 --> 01:23:18,905
America!

1294
01:23:22,952 --> 01:23:23,968
Alice!

1295
01:23:29,812 --> 01:23:31,400
Yeah!

1296
01:23:43,258 --> 01:23:46,529
- Hey, are you OK?
- I'm a little dizzy.

1297
01:23:46,629 --> 01:23:49,859
- OK. You were amazing.
- I was?

1298
01:23:49,959 --> 01:23:54,436
Well done! That was-that was just wonderful.
Madam Speaker, you must call for a vote.

1299
01:23:54,536 --> 01:23:55,894
<i>Yeah!</i>

1300
01:23:56,639 --> 01:23:58,430
<i>Vote, vote, vote!</i>

1301
01:24:00,143 --> 01:24:03,247
Very well, we'll vote. But remember,

1302
01:24:03,347 --> 01:24:08,017
federally funded care is a slippery slope
leading to higher taxes and lousy service.

1303
01:24:08,117 --> 01:24:12,840
Well, we just heard them. I think
they're gonna do the right thing.

1304
01:24:15,424 --> 01:24:18,727
This is gonna be so dramatic
here, when everyone votes.

1305
01:24:18,827 --> 01:24:20,663
Absolutely.

1306
01:24:20,763 --> 01:24:22,896
Begin the vote.

1307
01:24:23,299 --> 01:24:26,233
- It's all electronic now.
- What?

1308
01:24:33,976 --> 01:24:37,980
The vote is completed.
Healthcare loses, like always.

1309
01:24:41,383 --> 01:24:45,087
- I don't feel so good.
- Alice? Alice!

1310
01:24:45,187 --> 01:24:46,731
Alice! Alice!

1311
01:24:48,424 --> 01:24:50,287
Alice!

1312
01:24:51,460 --> 01:24:52,926
Get a picture.

1313
01:24:55,264 --> 01:24:57,800
- Alice, are you OK?
- I'm OK, I'm OK.

1314
01:25:00,636 --> 01:25:03,939
I care about everyone under this
roof no matter our differences.

1315
01:25:04,139 --> 01:25:06,315
<i>- Madam Speaker...
- Look up, please.</i>

1316
01:25:06,415 --> 01:25:07,587
<i>One more.</i>

1317
01:25:08,741 --> 01:25:11,080
<i>Madam Speaker, one more, please.</i>

1318
01:25:11,280 --> 01:25:13,382
Wait, wait, where are you going?

1319
01:25:13,482 --> 01:25:15,451
Alice, we're gonna get you a glass of water, OK?

1320
01:25:15,551 --> 01:25:17,386
- OK.
- Alice!

1321
01:25:17,486 --> 01:25:20,555
I'm-I'm OK. I'm-I'm just dizzy.
I just need some air.

1322
01:25:20,755 --> 01:25:24,293
- I need some... I need some air.
- I got you.

1323
01:25:24,893 --> 01:25:27,367
Nice and easy, guys.

1324
01:25:32,349 --> 01:25:33,802
Are you OK?

1325
01:25:33,902 --> 01:25:36,906
I'm a little lightheaded, but it's getting better.

1326
01:25:37,006 --> 01:25:40,109
Alice, I can't believe this happened.

1327
01:25:40,609 --> 01:25:41,734
Marsha.

1328
01:25:42,544 --> 01:25:44,970
I'm sorry, Alice. It just wasn't meant to be.

1329
01:25:45,070 --> 01:25:48,126
I'm just right back where I started.

1330
01:25:48,517 --> 01:25:51,520
Who knows when we'll get fixed now.

1331
01:25:51,670 --> 01:25:55,191
You are not just a leader, you're one of them.
You been lying this whole time.

1332
01:25:55,291 --> 01:25:58,778
That's why you won't let me near
your backside, because you got...

1333
01:25:58,878 --> 01:26:01,820
a pop-out baboon ass.

1334
01:26:05,301 --> 01:26:07,603
- Tell her.
- Yes, it's true.

1335
01:26:07,703 --> 01:26:12,175
But Norm and Alice said that you'd love me anyway.

1336
01:26:12,775 --> 01:26:16,078
All the lies are over. True love can begin.

1337
01:26:16,178 --> 01:26:18,381
Actually...

1338
01:26:19,381 --> 01:26:23,316
that's a deal breaker. I'm sorry, Keyshawn.
I can't be with you.

1339
01:26:29,358 --> 01:26:33,128
Between your breakup, the loss of our bill...

1340
01:26:33,228 --> 01:26:35,783
I'm feeling pretty sure we're
alone in a Godless universe.

1341
01:26:35,883 --> 01:26:38,917
I've been waiting for a sign there's
a God and there is no sign.

1342
01:26:39,017 --> 01:26:41,437
Let's just get Alice home, OK?

1343
01:26:41,537 --> 01:26:45,875
Hey, now that you're famous, it should
be easy to get you some medical help.

1344
01:26:45,975 --> 01:26:49,678
But what about Norm... and Keyshawn?

1345
01:26:49,778 --> 01:26:52,815
And all those people? I wanted to help them.

1346
01:26:52,915 --> 01:26:54,750
And where's Howard?

1347
01:26:54,850 --> 01:26:57,886
I don't, uh... I don't think you
need to think about that right now.

1348
01:26:57,986 --> 01:27:01,457
- What do you mean? Where is he?
- No surprise, there.

1349
01:27:03,292 --> 01:27:04,738
What?

1350
01:27:05,794 --> 01:27:09,632
They're lizard people, Alice. They
change their skins and eat their young.

1351
01:27:09,732 --> 01:27:12,698
It's time to go home and make a real life there.

1352
01:27:12,798 --> 01:27:15,571
- I don't know.
- It'd be fun to have a slave.

1353
01:27:15,671 --> 01:27:20,542
- If he's really sorry.
- Oh, he is, he is. Wait and see.

1354
01:27:20,642 --> 01:27:22,711
- It'll be an asset.
- OK, let's see it.

1355
01:27:22,911 --> 01:27:25,680
Thank you. You won't be sorry.

1356
01:27:26,110 --> 01:27:27,616
Order!

1357
01:27:27,716 --> 01:27:31,453
We have an important statement
by Congressman Birdwell.

1358
01:27:31,553 --> 01:27:33,689
Thank you, Madam Speaker.

1359
01:27:33,829 --> 01:27:36,542
First of all, I would like to clearly state

1360
01:27:36,642 --> 01:27:40,073
what a foolhardy mistake it
was for me to leave my party.

1361
01:27:41,496 --> 01:27:45,601
The same goes for sponsoring
that Catastrophic Care bill.

1362
01:27:45,701 --> 01:27:48,237
Thank God it didn't pass.

1363
01:27:48,337 --> 01:27:52,927
I was under the spell of a woman which,
as demonstrated by Madam Speaker today,

1364
01:27:53,027 --> 01:27:54,717
is my weakness.

1365
01:27:54,817 --> 01:27:59,031
I stand here humbly begging my colleagues
to forgive my temporary insanity

1366
01:27:59,131 --> 01:28:03,118
and let me back into their strong party.

1367
01:28:05,854 --> 01:28:09,379
Which is so much better than those
Independents. They're so lame.

1368
01:28:09,479 --> 01:28:12,895
I mean, how many... how many
of them are there? Like three?

1369
01:28:13,895 --> 01:28:17,106
That's not a party. Let's
get this moon base going!

1370
01:28:17,206 --> 01:28:19,100
Here!

1371
01:28:21,837 --> 01:28:25,038
How could you, Howard?

1372
01:28:34,223 --> 01:28:37,186
Furthermore, I would like to show my loyalty

1373
01:28:37,286 --> 01:28:39,435
and honor the late Speaker McCoy

1374
01:28:39,535 --> 01:28:42,825
by proposing that we rename
the Congressional Gym...

1375
01:28:42,925 --> 01:28:46,860
the "McCoy Memorial Gymnasium."

1376
01:28:53,201 --> 01:28:55,204
<i>Yeah! Yes!</i>

1377
01:28:55,304 --> 01:28:58,271
- Welcome back, Howard.
- Welcome back.

1378
01:29:05,281 --> 01:29:07,983
I just want to get out of this
town as fast as possible.

1379
01:29:08,083 --> 01:29:10,319
If it's any consolation, all the
women who've slept with Howard

1380
01:29:10,419 --> 01:29:12,220
said the sex was either average or below average.

1381
01:29:12,340 --> 01:29:13,989
How's it going, hon? You ready to go?

1382
01:29:14,089 --> 01:29:16,458
- Yeah, I'm almost packed.
- Alright, let me help you.

1383
01:29:16,558 --> 01:29:19,546
Look at it this way, you learned
a lot about horrible liars.

1384
01:29:20,629 --> 01:29:22,631
<i>...gymnasium bill today turned into mayhem</i>

1385
01:29:22,731 --> 01:29:25,200
<i>due to a surprise rider that
was snuck into the bill.</i>

1386
01:29:25,300 --> 01:29:27,269
<i>A version of the Emergency Care bill</i>

1387
01:29:27,369 --> 01:29:30,072
<i>was snuck into the Congressional
Gymnasium Renovation bill</i>

1388
01:29:30,172 --> 01:29:32,941
<i>by notorious Congressman Howard Birdwell.</i>

1389
01:29:33,041 --> 01:29:36,262
- Howard?
- Now that is a sign I'm looking for.

1390
01:29:36,362 --> 01:29:39,882
<i>Here to comment is pending House
Speaker, Pam Henry Hendrickson.</i>

1391
01:29:39,982 --> 01:29:44,049
<i>How could you and other voting members
not even read the bill, Congresswoman?</i>

1392
01:29:44,149 --> 01:29:46,989
<i>Of course I skim, Tom. I can't read everything.
It's a lot of paperwork.</i>

1393
01:29:47,539 --> 01:29:50,465
<i>My chief of staff, Edwin, usually
carefully reviews bills for me,</i>

1394
01:29:50,565 --> 01:29:52,428
<i>but this time, he let me take it in the neck.</i>

1395
01:29:52,528 --> 01:29:57,408
<i>So, uh... I understand the sneaky little
rider only provides for emergency healthcare</i>

1396
01:29:57,508 --> 01:30:00,348
<i>for the following accidents, a nail in the head,</i>

1397
01:30:00,448 --> 01:30:01,825
- <i>a fallen anus...</i>
- Yeah!

1398
01:30:01,925 --> 01:30:05,241
<i>...prolonged priapism, an ax in the femur,</i>

1399
01:30:05,341 --> 01:30:07,726
<i>a face burn from a s'mores while camping.</i>

1400
01:30:07,826 --> 01:30:11,523
<i>Everyone else, you're on your own, as usual.
Is this a meaningless victory?</i>

1401
01:30:11,623 --> 01:30:14,552
<i>This small, but extremely
dangerous, bill has opened a door</i>

1402
01:30:14,652 --> 01:30:18,353
<i>to a potential avalanche of
socialist medical spending.</i>

1403
01:30:18,453 --> 01:30:21,236
- <i>Let's not forget child lesbianism.</i>
- Ooh, you witch.

1404
01:30:21,336 --> 01:30:24,446
<i>And we did pass the moon base bill.
And that's what counts.</i>

1405
01:30:24,546 --> 01:30:26,412
<i>Thank you, Madam Speaker.</i>

1406
01:30:26,512 --> 01:30:29,865
<i>Now Birdwell's sneakiness has earned
him the dreaded triple censure.</i>

1407
01:30:29,965 --> 01:30:34,571
<i>He's now expected to officially resign
from Congress before he's kicked out.</i>

1408
01:30:34,671 --> 01:30:37,639
- Oh, that's too bad.
- <i>Mr. Birdwell joins us live, via satellite.</i>

1409
01:30:37,739 --> 01:30:40,275
<i>Sounds like you're in very hot
water with your leadership.</i>

1410
01:30:40,475 --> 01:30:42,917
<i>They got their moon base, Tom, but
they'd pretty much like to kill me</i>

1411
01:30:43,017 --> 01:30:44,389
<i>and throw my body into a wheat thresher,</i>

1412
01:30:44,489 --> 01:30:46,765
<i>which they pretty much already
done with this triple censure.</i>

1413
01:30:46,865 --> 01:30:50,452
<i>- Was the sneaky risk worth it?
- Yes! To help all the people.</i>

1414
01:30:50,752 --> 01:30:54,056
<i>Alice's friends, really, but especially Alice.</i>

1415
01:30:54,156 --> 01:30:57,112
Alright, we don't need to watch that.
I'm gonna change it.

1416
01:30:58,621 --> 01:31:00,629
- Move, move, move.
- This is so boring.

1417
01:31:00,729 --> 01:31:02,382
<i>...really frustrating</i>

1418
01:31:02,482 --> 01:31:06,201
<i>would know that I had to seem like I
was betraying her to get this done.</i>

1419
01:31:07,385 --> 01:31:10,606
I thought he was a traitor, but he's not.
He's not anymore. He's not a traitor.

1420
01:31:10,706 --> 01:31:14,176
<i>All for her and her dream, which I totally share.</i>

1421
01:31:14,276 --> 01:31:18,021
<i>She inspires me in all departments,
from making laws, to making love,</i>

1422
01:31:18,121 --> 01:31:20,883
<i>which is private, and now it's
on TV, so it's not private.</i>

1423
01:31:20,983 --> 01:31:25,220
<i>I just had to say this because I know if she
heard me that she would stop hating me.</i>

1424
01:31:25,320 --> 01:31:27,124
<i>So...</i>

1425
01:31:28,383 --> 01:31:30,826
<i>Alice, I-I don't even know if you're watching this.</i>

1426
01:31:30,926 --> 01:31:35,498
- I am. I am.
- But everything I did, I did for you.

1427
01:31:36,598 --> 01:31:37,856
<i>I love you.</i>

1428
01:31:37,956 --> 01:31:41,567
I love you, too. I love you, too.

1429
01:31:43,405 --> 01:31:46,926
Alright, well, I realized that there was
about a 48% chance of this happening,

1430
01:31:47,026 --> 01:31:50,012
which is why I kept the Brenda option 70% open.

1431
01:31:50,112 --> 01:31:53,148
<i>Is that why you're speaking to
us from a motel parking lot?</i>

1432
01:31:53,248 --> 01:31:56,967
- <i>Yeah. This is Alice's motel.</i>
- What?

1433
01:32:00,688 --> 01:32:02,589
Howard!

1434
01:32:05,894 --> 01:32:08,361
- Hi.
- Hi.

1435
01:32:17,072 --> 01:32:19,308
Before we get to the ring part,

1436
01:32:19,408 --> 01:32:22,871
I want to say that what we were looking
for was inside of us all along,

1437
01:32:22,971 --> 01:32:28,187
but that's just not true. No,
our journey was so much...

1438
01:32:28,287 --> 01:32:32,487
messier than that as life, it often is.

1439
01:32:32,587 --> 01:32:36,458
I'm gonna have our... congressional candidate groom

1440
01:32:36,558 --> 01:32:39,495
tell you what was really required.

1441
01:32:39,895 --> 01:32:42,809
It took a cloakroom hookup...

1442
01:32:42,909 --> 01:32:44,989
a mob of Girl Squaws...

1443
01:32:45,089 --> 01:32:50,372
a strange men's retreat located
by a lovesick state trooper...

1444
01:32:50,472 --> 01:32:53,408
insane quasi legal maneuvering...

1445
01:32:53,508 --> 01:32:54,613
Well...

1446
01:32:54,713 --> 01:32:57,312
- an extreme, unpredictable God...
- Yep.

1447
01:32:57,412 --> 01:33:00,916
- to get us where we stand today.
- Yep.

1448
01:33:01,416 --> 01:33:04,720
These are the things we've seen...

1449
01:33:04,820 --> 01:33:07,506
- that make our democracy work.
- Yes.

1450
01:33:07,806 --> 01:33:11,593
My pants fit once again.

1451
01:33:11,993 --> 01:33:15,664
It is a joyous day, indeed.

1452
01:33:15,864 --> 01:33:20,234
Would the bride and groom
please kiss each other good?

1453
01:33:22,037 --> 01:33:24,070
Yeah! Kanye!

1454
01:33:51,165 --> 01:33:53,334
Get it, girl.

1455
01:34:13,163 --> 01:34:14,990
Alright!

1456
01:34:46,722 --> 01:34:49,402
Hey, excuse me, everyone. Um..

1457
01:34:49,402 --> 01:34:53,630
I have a really special toast and an
important question to ask Howard.

1458
01:34:54,031 --> 01:34:55,211
Um...

1459
01:34:55,230 --> 01:34:58,633
Since the first day that I met you, I
knew that you were something spec...

1460
01:34:59,931 --> 01:35:02,648
- My eye!
- Head's up!

1461
01:35:04,855 --> 01:35:06,139
Oh, my eye!

1462
01:35:10,979 --> 01:35:14,016
Well, I am inviting you to a military moodiam...

1463
01:35:14,116 --> 01:35:16,118
moodiam mean base spent before.

1464
01:35:19,872 --> 01:35:21,289
No, don't.

1465
01:35:21,389 --> 01:35:24,726
She is going to rack us all over the coals

1466
01:35:24,826 --> 01:35:27,093
and it's not going to be a good time.

1467
01:35:29,097 --> 01:35:30,559
Excellent.

1468
01:35:31,006 --> 01:35:34,807
Howard! Alright, alright. Mr. Speaker?

1469
01:36:05,200 --> 01:36:07,728
Alright, come on!