Tail Chat Excerpt

[2019-05-13T00:04:47] wertercatt#6339
https://pastebin.com/cwVT5FL9 All of the content warnings. All of them. Don't read unless you're ready to hate me.

[2019-05-13T00:08:11] wertercatt#6339
...I'm so sorry I'm like this. I'm so sorry I've hurt you all.

[2019-05-13T00:10:03] BisexualCommando#7885
I don't hate you, especially not because of what you've been through

[2019-05-13T00:11:01] wertercatt#6339
...

[2019-05-13T00:13:57] wertercatt#6339
Nyx. You're not the person I saw in Sammy.

[2019-05-13T00:14:00] wertercatt#6339
I am.

[2019-05-13T08:55:36] wertercatt#6339
Sure, I saw a bit of the person you used to be in her. But mostly, I saw myself. That kind of wilful ignorance, "if I just bury it down and ignore it and don't talk about it'll go away"

[2019-05-13T08:55:50] wertercatt#6339
That's my day to day life.

[2019-05-13T08:58:29] wertercatt#6339
My transition has stagnated, hell it seems to be going backward as I can't manage to fit a bra around my chest anymore. The only way I cope with dysphoria is by embracing my other issues to the point I stop feeling it.

[2019-05-13T10:10:33] wertercatt#6339
I used to be genuinely happy you know. I can't remember how it felt, but reading old SBARGv2 chatlogs has made me realize the genuinely happy and fun loving kid I used to be. Sure, I erped some back then, but most importantly I had fun just being there and playing with my friends.

[2019-05-13T10:11:16] wertercatt#6339
Hell, even those old erp logs are happier and more carefree. The ones before Cor.

[2019-05-13T10:12:53] wertercatt#6339
Cor broke me so much I haven't been able to comprehend it until now. I'm so shattered that I couldn't even see the extent of it.

[2019-05-13T10:17:19] wertercatt#6339
...It's starting to feel like the only reason I keep up with my passions is because they used to make me happy, and I'm forever searching for a way to feel happy again. To feel anything again beyond numbness and pain.

[2019-05-13T10:24:27] wertercatt#6339
..Being with Cyrus lets me feel loved when our relationship is strongest. Several People lets me feel that sense of community and companionship... When I'm not messing things up.. I feel at home as your friend, as your trans sister. I don't want to lose that.. like I've lost everything else from before.

[2019-05-13T10:29:02] wertercatt#6339
I used to be a HAM Radio operator and a SCUBA diver. I used to be "gifted" in school. I used to trust my parents.. and my friends both IRL and online. I used to actually try to be a game dev. I used to care about SBARG, to care about being a roleplayer. I used to dream of making the next Minecraft, the next great indie game. I used to have passion..

[2019-05-13T10:29:44] wertercatt#6339
Please read this when you wake up Nyx..