Hannah - Yesterday at 9:32 PM
what do you want to do?
May 27, 2018
Hannah - Today at 7:55 AM
Sierra?

Lexicona - Today at 11:15 AM
I dont know....

Hannah - Today at 11:18 AM
I would like to try to help with that
if it is okay
if it would be unhealthy to pursue that with me
I understand

Lexicona - Today at 11:19 AM
I dont know how you could....

Hannah - Today at 11:24 AM
talking
to me
might help

Lexicona - Today at 11:25 AM
It hasnt helped me find answers so far....

Hannah - Today at 11:27 AM
I don't feel like we have been able to talk about that topic
whenever we get on the topic of what to do to help

Lexicona - Today at 11:27 AM
it's been a surprisingly hard topic for me to talk about

Hannah - Today at 11:27 AM
it seems to get very difficult
I understand
that is why I wanted you to take time if you need
but it is very important to me

Lexicona - Today at 11:28 AM
i know it's important to you...

Hannah - Today at 11:30 AM
do you want to maybe try to schedule a time we can talk about it
where you feel like you are in a safe environment
I know it is hard to think about

Lexicona - Today at 11:30 AM
i never feel like i'm in a safe environment
in general

Hannah - Today at 11:31 AM
I meant a relatively safe one where you would be comfortable talking about stuff with me hun

Lexicona - Today at 11:32 AM
this isn't because of you
but i'll never feel safe or happy talking about this
even relatively
i broke down when pestered about something similar in therapy a couple years ago

Hannah - Today at 11:34 AM
can you tell me about that

Lexicona - Today at 11:34 AM
i mean
i was talkinga bout something sensitive

Hannah - Today at 11:34 AM
ok
can we talk about what was similar?

Lexicona - Today at 11:34 AM
my therapist pestered me and continued asking questions
and eventually
i curled up into a ball and sobbed

Hannah - Today at 11:35 AM
yeah even good therapists do that
but I was more curious if
the substance at all
could help us in this situation?

Lexicona - Today at 11:35 AM
no

Hannah - Today at 11:35 AM
you brought it up for a reason yeah?
oh

Lexicona - Today at 11:35 AM
i brought it up
because
it was what happens when i'm continuously asked about a sensitive topic, no matter where i am

Hannah - Today at 11:35 AM
do you feel you are unable to deal with fear or conflict in general then
?

Lexicona - Today at 11:36 AM
mhmm
often

Hannah - Today at 11:36 AM
how do you usually
mitigate that
in a healthy way?

Lexicona - Today at 11:36 AM
i escape

Hannah - Today at 11:36 AM
err

Lexicona - Today at 11:36 AM
it's not healthy
none of my life is healthy

Hannah - Today at 11:36 AM
well
I am sure in some instances you conquer your fears yes?
even small?

Lexicona - Today at 11:36 AM
maybe
it's rare though

Hannah - Today at 11:36 AM
some fears can seem daunting because
we think of the whole task
at once
but when we break it up into pieces it becomes easier to manage

Lexicona - Today at 11:37 AM
most of my fears have conditioned me to escape

Hannah - Today at 11:37 AM
I understand

Lexicona - Today at 11:37 AM
because dealing with my mom isn't easy

Hannah - Today at 11:37 AM
yeah, I was very much into escapism
I know it hurts, and my experiences
can't possibly be the same as yours
but I do have tools that I used
to create healthy responses
and I would really like to share those with you

Lexicona - Today at 11:38 AM
Hannah...
i appreciate that you're trying to help.... but i want to avoid you being my therapist

Hannah - Today at 11:38 AM
I am not trying to be your therapist but, if that is what it takes to be my girlfriend then
I think we should try(edited)
or perhaps
you could talk to your therapist
about it

Lexicona - Today at 11:39 AM
i don't have one
also

Hannah - Today at 11:39 AM
I think you should
when you settle

Lexicona - Today at 11:39 AM
being my therapist is something my mother does, even mid fights, so that she can have the upper hand
it's a really sensitive area for me

Hannah - Today at 11:39 AM
I do not want to be your therapist Sierra
I just want to talk to you again
and not seeing you happy just motivates me more to want to be close to you
it has become very difficult with my amount of stress
that is a personal problem but

Lexicona - Today at 11:41 AM
i don't know how to fix this Hannah
i don't know how to fix myself
i wish i did

Hannah - Today at 11:41 AM
I know
Sierra
I am not asking you to figure it out youself
I am asking you to work with me on our relationship
if you aren't talking to me, this is a problem
I'm not just going to say
Okay Sierra every time you want to escape
at a certain point, letting you do that is enabling you and...
I just can't do that anymore
I'm sorry

Lexicona - Today at 11:43 AM
it's the only way i stay sane right now
i'm sorry i'm such a problem...

Hannah - Today at 11:43 AM
it seems like the opposite
tbh
like it is keeping you depressed and comfortable there
because a huge change is scary
right not, talking about the meta problems
this is what is going to drive you crazy x.x
I don't think that talking about our communication honestly will be
difficult over time

Lexicona - Today at 11:44 AM
i don't think i can talk about this right now...
i'm sorry...
i'm almost never in a good position...
and i know you say it's bad for me or depressive or whatever
but
it also takes an insane amount of mental strength for me

Hannah - Today at 11:45 AM
that isn't what I said
I hope you don't feel
I am blaming you and attacking you Sierra

Lexicona - Today at 11:46 AM
no
i don't

Hannah - Today at 11:46 AM
I come from a place of love and great understanding

Lexicona - Today at 11:46 AM
i understand everything you're saying

Hannah - Today at 11:46 AM
but also concern
then I hope
you understand
we need to make time to talk about this
not now but
eventually, preferably soon

Lexicona - Today at 11:46 AM
i hope i can stomach it....

Hannah - Today at 11:47 AM
you are capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit Sierra
the human body is capable of unimaginable things
and your body never stays the same
it is constantly changing
life is not as permanent as the problems we reinforce in our own minds
those things just make us try to force reality into that permanence
so that it is simple and easily understood

Lexicona - Today at 11:48 AM
i don't know hannah...
i'm sorry...

Hannah - Today at 11:51 AM
when do you want to make time to talk about it?

Lexicona - Today at 11:52 AM
i don't know....

Hannah - Today at 11:53 AM
well.. I know I am not your therapist but.. I do know an incredible amount about the human brain, conflict resolution therapy, and you
and you seem to trust me a great deal
if I can separate myself from you romantically for the duration
I don't see a problem in us talking about it
I have some concerns but I can address those with you in time
is that alright?

Lexicona - Today at 11:54 AM
i guess....

Hannah - Today at 11:54 AM
would you like it if I made a time?
would that be easier or?

Lexicona - Today at 11:55 AM
i'd probably completely forget

Hannah - Today at 11:55 AM
can you set an alarm in your phone calendar?

Lexicona - Today at 11:55 AM
i can but i'd rather not....
i'm sorry i'm so resistant
it should be clear why
i don't want to make you feel like i don't like you

Hannah - Today at 11:58 AM
I have to be honest Sierra, if we can't find time for this ever
it's going to be a big problem for me
I know that is a lot of weight on you
but I have to think of the both of us
including myself
Hannah - Today at 12:00 PM
how do you feel right now?

Lexicona - Today at 12:00 PM
This is why I apologize so much
Because everything i do makes me a burden
You shouldnt have to deal with it

Hannah - Today at 12:05 PM
I would much rather take on the burden of being your confidant(edited)
than the burden of making you feel sorry all the time Sierra

Lexicona - Today at 12:06 PM
Its nobodys fault i feel sorry all the time

Hannah - Today at 12:06 PM
I know

Lexicona - Today at 12:06 PM
You have done nothing

Hannah - Today at 12:06 PM
?

Lexicona - Today at 12:06 PM
To make me feel sorry
Hannah

Hannah - Today at 12:07 PM
that includes you you know

Lexicona - Today at 12:07 PM
You are a blessing to my life

Hannah - Today at 12:07 PM
its not your fault either

Lexicona - Today at 12:07 PM
Ok one person makes me feel sorry
Only myself

Hannah - Today at 12:09 PM
that isn't how it works hun
this is why we need to talk
I have to be able to explain behavior in the context of your historical and biological background because... you obviously feel like this is inherent
but even things about our person can be affected by nurture, and when we process those memories again
we have a chance to let them pass our hippocampus again
the problem you are facing is that
another problem will occur
before you can deal with the last one

Lexicona - Today at 12:11 PM
i don't think it's inherent, i think it's been completely forced into me
permanently

Hannah - Today at 12:11 PM
well
you often talk about how you have autism
that is all I meant
regardless of what your biology actually may be, we need to be able to talk about these behaviors
you have already done such a good job talking to me
I know how strong you are Sierra, I have seen it