this is really dumb

Mr. Keyes stepped into the boardroom, shoulders square and posture confident. Being a CEO of a cell phone manufacturer for unusual body types certainly had its perks, but it also had its downsides, namely the herd of unruly subordinates that he was hoping to wrangle in this evening's meetings. Everyone wanted their own needs met, and he was willing to provide. But the impatience! The demand to have their particular grievances answered, not at some indeterminate date, but /now/, was frustrating.

His palms hit the table, and every eye, or eyes, turned forward.

"Alright, then. Good evening." he spoke, his voice measured and calm. "I hope that you all know why I called this meeting into order. I understand that there have been many complaints about how I run this company. Here, I would like you to, in an orderly fashion, air them out, and perhaps hear my point of view."

Immediately a tentacle shot up into the air, and Mr. Keyes had to resist the urge to hide his face in his palm.

"Yes, Mrs. Travis?"

Mrs. Travis lowered her tentacle below her chin, its fellows flapping two and fro as she spoke,

"Forgive my forwardness, but you have been promising cephalopodian support for several years now. Representatives of our community have been complaining to me nonstop. When can we expect this to be addressed?" She gurgled.

"As I have told you several times before, our engineers are working at full capacity for support, so please continue to be patient..."

This seemed to ruffle a few feathers. A pair of wings rustled as the ethereal man of light, clad in a black suit, leaned forward.

"She has a point. This corporation seems biased towards those with mammalian finger types. I have spoken to God, and he feels that all His creatures, whether they be mammal, reptile, oceanic, or even non-corporeal, should be represented fairly."

"If we could please keep things calm..." Mr. Keyes spoke, but it was futile. A murmur broke out among those seated, sounds of agreement until he was forced to slap his palms on the table again. Silence.

"I do not know what to tell you," he spoke, the calmness in his voice starting to waver, "There is naturally going to be a bias towards those hand types. There is nothing I can do about that, as that is how they were originally designed. Everything else must be reverse-engineered from those original blueprints, so /please./ Show some restraint."

The floor remained silent, but not from Mr. Keyes' words. One member was hunched over, breathing deeply through her grit teeth. Her pantsuit began to split apart into tawny, coarse fur, face lengthening into a muzzle. The others present began to get up from their seats, a few brave souls rushed over, trying to restrain Ms. Feinberg before she went on a rampage, and received bloody gashes in their torsos.

Mr. Keyes glanced quickly out the window, where a full moon just began to show its face over the darkening sunset sky.

"Bloody hell-" he slammed the button on the receiver, shouting at his secretary. "You did it again!"

"D-did what, sir?"

"You scheduled a meeting during a full moon! You remembered what happened last time? It's happening again!"

"I'm sorry, sir! It won't-"

"You're damn right it won't, because you're fired! Your last order is to call security! Now!"

A few minutes later, the problem was sorted thanks to silver-tipped tranquilizer darts. The powers that be wrote the two casualties as a marked improvement over the last time this mishap happened. Within a few weeks, the prototype for Cthulhoid cell phones was released, finally insuring equal phone opportunities for one more group of the vast and varied peoples of the world.