Anxiety Paralysis

I focused on the flier for the time being.

She had a silvery glow about her, long, wild hair made wilder by the fact that she wasn’t human any more.  I could see the veins running across her body, the fact that her body had incorporated her costume- maybe clothes.  A high collar that could have been a hoodie or a collared shirt.  A ridge at the hips and waist that could have been pants, with a pair of horns decorating the ridges halfway between where the belly button should have been and the nethers- by placement and protrusion, I was guessing belt buckle.  The solid mass in the midst of the silvery nimbus was a dark purple.

Breaker.

Breaker meant on-off powers, ones that tended to ‘break’ reality.  A breaker power meant there were other powers in the mix.

Hers was creating a foot-long blade at each hand, black, to contrast the silvery glow, flickering and shimmering.

I flew closer.  I saw her stop in mid air, faster than any flier I’d seen, then immediately set off in another direction.  Direction change on a dime.  To turn that abruptly, I usually had to land, hit something, plant myself on some solid ground and then fly off.

Not as fast as me, it seemed, but far more maneuverable.

I drew in closer.

She hit me, and I didn’t see what with.  A flash, an impulse.

My head was flooded with information.  Everything and nothing.  Every priority I had.  March and the time effects, Love Lost and the hostages, Cradle and the people he had apparently butchered, who would be stronger if Love Lost got close.  The team, the dynamic with the Undersiders, the Heartbroken, the kids– I couldn’t help but go to that.  And from there my brain leapfrogged to the Major Malfunctions to Fume Hood and the other low-level capes who had been so neglected.  To the major teams and that I still had to prove my worth to them.  To the organization I was trying to set up- not in the sense that I wanted an institution, but I wanted to organize, and that meant something vaguely institutional.

I wanted to stop anyone from being hurt like I’d been hurt.  I wanted to stop every Amy out there.  I wanted to save every Glory Girl, stupid and barbaric as they might be.  I wanted to help Jessica help Breakthrough and I was worried that by failing to stop Chris I’d failed her.

A surge of feeling, of paralysis and motivation in overwhelming measure.

And I’d been driven back by it, because it had tapered off as I’d pulled away.

Which meant the flier was free to continue.

*

…and all of the junior heroes I want to ensure have a place in this world, and every damn member of this team needs a full time friend to guide and help and I can’t be everywhere at once, least of all for my best friend.  I’m worried about Sveta and Weld and yet they’re the easiest thing to mentally set aside in the moment and I’m worried it’ll be weeks of moments and then I won’t have a chance to help.  I’m worried about Kenzie and I’m worried about Rain and about Tristan and about Byron and Ashley and Damsel and even Natalie-

I’m worried about me, too.

Reality came crashing home with a massive impact that crushed the Wretch.  The object in question hit the ground and tipped over, moving in my direction.

I flew back, halfway to get out of the way of the thing- the section of building.  Halfway to get away from the mental effect.

Can’t- can’t let this get to me like this.  Can’t let it distract me.  Fucking stupid of me.  How many times did we mentally go over the list of techniques and approaches to fending off mental and emotional effects?

I shook my head.  The overwhelmed feeling slipped off of me like a caking of soap under warm water.  The condemnations stuck.

I pulled myself back to reality.  I’d gone after the breaker again.  Again, I’d been repelled by the effect.  The overload.  She flew over me, using blades she’d created at her hands to cut at the building and bring debris tumbling down.  I’d been trying to stop her before she could rain something down on the van, she’d got me, and while I was out, she’d gone ahead with her plan.

- Blinding 11.10 & 11.11

_______

Colt pushed out with a power, and Love Lost felt her thoughts scatter.  She reached up to her mask, adjusting the dial, and changed the focus for all emotions she was absorbing and reading.

That dampened the effect.

- Interlude 12.e