Silverware or Leftover?

Chapter 1: A Large Pair of Fuzzy Kittens

	The forest canopy obscured the sunshine from view,  the iridescent leaves rustling in the jungle wind. Dennis and Xhe were sitting around lazily,  their bodies covered in fallen twigs. Dennis swallowed hard and looked back at Xhe as she dragged him to the ground and slightly paved his head between her legs. She brought both of her hands down into his groin, and they looked oddly Russian to him. She was clad in a revealing robe made of animal teeth, squeezing him with her thick thighs.
	"I'm curious as to what the Borealans commonly eat, " he said, gesturing to his feet awkwardly.
	"What did you say to me?" she moaned as she leaned back against the tree.
	"Well cooked meat would be sweeter than this alien fish," Dennis replied with a nod as if she were cleaning a messy child. "I guess we're going to have to give head to the Patriarch."
	Xhe looked concerned, but he was resentful of her qualifications. As a liaison, her skills were no less impressive than his.
	"No windows on any of the arachnids," he communicated, his eyes wide as he was confronted with nine feet of quivering woman. "I've been so exhausted that I underwent a clandestine operation."
	She nodded and began to pump slowly, running her soft coat up and down the rough bark of the tree, the crushing gravity trying to tear them down in order to influence their flavor.
	"What does this territory dismiss people for?" He winced, his knees trembling as she sucked in a desperate gulp of air and crushed his head between her thighs. "I have heard rumors that despite being of smaller stature, sharks are recognized for their forearms and legs."
	"No doubt," Xhe replied with a nod of her massive groin. "I have trained specially to assist you while you visit us.”
	"Yes, very soon in fact, I will commission a set of shining computers that would impress the Patriarch."
	Xhe looked concerned, touching her clawed fingers against his lips, exposing her sharp feline teeth to him in a frenzied bucking motion.
	"No reason to make appointments, perhaps we'll have to be vigilant of the Patriarch's artificial daughters."
	"What? " he laughed. "I told you not to stare at people who are touring. "
	Xhe looked apprehensive, perhaps annoyed that he was of immense importance. She brought both of her hands together happily, all of her vocalizations trashing Dennis and his weird face.
	"You are the ambassador to earth," she said, gesturing to Dennis as he waved at her. "I have heard rumors that despite being of smaller stature, humanity has dominated the Borealans."
	"Well, you're a fearsome warrior," he replied nonchalantly. "I have found your people to be comically threatening." Dennis swallowed hard, looking to Xhe as she squeezed him like a goddamned tiger. She was clad in a human skin.
	"Yes, very soon the Borealans will eat heartily of your meat!" she replied, running her claws across his throat.
	"I told you not to speak to me like I'm some kind of damned toddler,"  he complained, his toiletries seeming to glow in the dark of the forest.
	"I'm going to travel to earth, " he said, planting his head between her washboard thighs. They rose off the floor and flew over the shoreline, the arid world passing beneath them. The turbulence began to rock her breasts, making them sway like a large pair of rucksacks. Dennis piloted her toned body over the lake, watching the planet from space. They were so happy to be occupied, he had spent days cooped up in the embassy with nothing to do.
	"It would be better to get you off the street before someone sees us," Dennis continued, maneuvering his newly appointed shuttle. They circled above the cityscape as they searched for a suitable landing site, finding a stone landing pad that Dennis had seen earlier. Xhe kicked up a cloud of dust as the landing gear bounced, Dennis descending the landing ramp. Before him was a long wooden table that ran down the center of the village, occupied by the Patriarch and his brood of nightmarish toddlers.
	"It is a pleasure to see you tomorrow, lord Patriarch," Xhe translated, lifting her helmet and vibrating violently. "I have heard rumors that Dennis had encountered a giant kitten running around the embassy."
	"What? " the Patriarch exclaimed. "I have never seen a human before. They are small and comparatively absurd."
	"How could such fundamental differences be overcome?" Xhe wondered idly. "I will adapt in time."
	Dennis nodded appreciatively, not quite submissive yet. The Patriarch's features widened as he watched, mesmerized by the sight of him, his knees were like a monstrous Christmas ornament.
	"You are genuinely so large," Dennis continued, "you will be able to eat this planet."
	"My people are recognized by everyone as the best in the galaxy at competitive fishing," the Patriarch exclaimed. "I would ask that you join me for a drink, but Xhe warned of your inability to follow basic instructions. "
	"No training," Dennis replied, "I'm unable to speak English."
	"Be that as it may," the Patriarch smiled, "I'm curious about your people, ambassador. What can you tell me about yourself?"
	Dennis shrugged nonchalantly as he sat down to a meal of meat and bloated gourds.
	"Well, humanity belonged to a race that resembled a giant spider," he mumbled through a mouthful of flesh. "I personally chopped up the creature and fashioned clothing from its face."
	"Well that is impressive, " the Patriarch murmured. "Ambassador, I'll certainly try to gain starships from earth. Xhe soared over the city earlier, an admirable job, she should be promoted to best diplomat."
	Xhe clapped her hands together happily, her engines extending from her digitigrade legs.
	"Yes lord Patriarch," she moaned, her warm breath tickling his chin. "I've always followed anything that you ordered. Try to think of me as your secretary, but commercial spacecraft. "
	Dennis took a long draw from his plate, comically large compared to him, as wide around as Borealan. The meal was a nightmare of twisted hair and fine scales, a native animal that was strapped across the table, slamming its head against the varnished wood.
	"I can't eat it," he explained, showing Xhe its wobbling mammaries. "I want Kobe beef instead."
	"No," she replied tersely, "I'm under too much stress."
	Dennis gripped her by the hair and gave her a bite, the Patriarch nodding in approval. Xhe pointed to him and bared her teeth reflexively, her yellow eyes narrow.
	"You little monkeys really have sharp fangs, but you give great head."
	One of the furry little kittens flung a large wicker basket at him, Dennis struggling to stay on his stool, fuming as he stared at the strange alien.
	"You are such a monster," the fuzzy Borealan said, gesturing wildly. "I will commission a set of cutlery to be made from your bones."
	"How rude," Dennis complained, straightening his tie nervously.
	Ursi appeared from a side door,  her wide hips rolling towards him.
	"Dennis," she moaned, "these outfits are too fragile, my furry bosom is undisciplined."
	Dennis noted that her quivering mammaries were barely covered by a gossamer fabric, tightening around her thighs as she squeezed them together. She had the figure of an impressive specimen, her soft lips curled into a smile. She pressed her puffy lips against his neck, dragging her claws up his spine as she squeezed him like a steak. "I told you not to touch yourself."
	Dennis fidgeted as she took his hand in her own, planting a wet kiss on his tie. He delved his head between her heaving cleavage,  her fur as soft and as warm as a silken glove.
	"Wow," Dennis mused, "these banquets are hot."
	Xhe looked apprehensive, perhaps recognizing their social rituals, her taut body undulating rhythmically as Dennis interacted with Ursi. The Patriarch clapped his massive hands together happily as his eyes lingered on them.
	"How does this arrangement work?" he asked, his claws clicking on the hard surface of the table.
	"I am alpha, " Dennis explained, "and these are my diplomatic duties."
	Everyone nodded enthusiastically as he probed her sopping passage with his tongue, fearing that they might be next.

***

	When they returned to the embassy, and Dennis saw that the ground under his feet had become monochrome, he glanced at Xhe.
	"Well, that was a plus," he muttered, "you questioned my diplomatic duties and that was the reaction you got."
	"You are the ambassador, I...hoped to stay unmolested,  but you used me like an interstellar jump carrier full of Marines."
	Dennis nodded and gave her a sly look, Ursi sidling up behind them.
	"I want to fuck your secretary," she admitted,  Xhe turning to look at her.
	"Out of the question," she replied,  "out of the window and out of the door."
	Dennis thought for a moment as the two Borealans watched, scratching his tongue pensively.
	"You are my secretary Xhe, and so you're going to give her gigantic breasts a massage. That is what i have found to be enthusiastic."
	Ursi clapped her furry thighs together happily,  eyeing her chest in a challenge.

(and that's where I got bored, April fools)