Honestly this all started at the house we were staying at. When you were upset and going through your thing, you said something that struck me and I haven’t been able to let go of it. You said something along the lines of “the reason why I never told my friends is because I don’t know if things will work out”, or something along those lines.
I tried not showing it at the time, but I realized you’ve been operating under that mindset this entire time. Before we got close, you talked about your ex and how you liked having options open, and it felt very similar to it.
When I crashed at your place, you casually mentioned going out with your friends. You never really told me what it was you were doing until I asked. The way you down played it made it seem like it was done intentionally too, especially since you usually tell me what it is you’re doing.
I mean I asked you today about what your plans post school are, and you listed everything out you plan on doing with Charlee. But not the rave thing.
So, I started to wonder why. Why wouldn’t you tell anyone? I do believe the possibility of things not working out with us is a factor, but not the only thing. I think it also has to do with your image. Every lesbian I’ve dated has had this issue. They don’t want other lesbians to know they can be physically and emotionally drawn to a guy. I get it.
But that means you have to hide it amongst your friends. Realistically, if they’re your close friends, they’ll notice subtle behavioral changes. If you went from behaving like a single girl to a taken one, they’d know and ask.
But they clearly haven’t, since they don’t know. Which means you’ve managed to convince them through your behavior. I let you draw assumptions from here.
But if im being honest, the thing that pushed me away from you the most was when I found out you did coke. You told me you’d give up coke for me but the moment you walked in the room, I could immediately tell. Not only did you have a ton of coke, but you likely drank quite a bit too.
It was the first time since the first day of school that I saw you and was unattracted to you.
There are other things but I don’t want to unpack them. And before you have your emotional response to all of it, take some time and try to see where I’m coming from.