Thread 90: Stories 31-45

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>AJ
"Spike"
'Villagers'
~~~~~

'OH GOD THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!'

>So, ya' kinda tripped at the first hurdle there.

"See this, AJ? This right here? This is why Rarity is first on the Queen list. You're number two right now AJ!"

>THE HELL AH' AM!

"..."

>...Wait a gaddang minute, why they heck do Ah' care about that?

"..."

'ALL THE CHILDREN! OH DEAR GODDESS THE CHIIIIILLLDDREEEENNNN!'

>Right, thanks, back ta' mockin' ya.

"I was hoping you'd stop with that, actually."

>And yet, here Ah' am, pointin' out that somehow ya' managed ta' mess this up five minutes in.

"She's messing with me, AJ! She's messing with me!"

>No, she was messin' with ya' when she put ya' in the land o' happy bunnies, ya'll are the one who messed up when ya' tried ta' take over the place and accidentally set the place on fire when ya' did that.

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

>Iffin' it makes ya' feel better, ya' definitely screwed up whatever plan she was doin' with that whole thing.

"I was just trying to scare them!"

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

>...They look scared.

"You know, sometime I just need a little support here. Can you give me some support?"

>Kay. Ya'll are, by far, the best at wipin' out villages. Yer' gaddang A class.

"...I'll take it."

'AHHHHHHHHHHGHGGLBGBGGLGGLGL!'

"DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!"

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OOCO
>Applejack
“Celestia”
~~~~

“And what in the name of my great white ass is that look you’re giving me for?”

>Thrice now, ‘Tia.

“Thrice is nice when the cake is sliced!”

>…

“…no? No cake slicing?”

>…

“Alright, alright, what?”

>While y’all were galavantin’ about in the snow, makin’ merry and havin’ snowball fights, know what Ah’ was doin’? Go on, guess.

With her left ear idly flickering to relieve it of snow, Celestia glanced about the rather dark and dour office.

“Me thinks… being a Scrooge McPony?”

>Close. One more try.

“Not being a witness to that snowball I totally zinged Chrysalis in the eye with?”

>Ho shit, really? In the eye?

“Right dead in the eye. Never saw it coming, nor the barrage after for that matter.”

>HA! B-but anyway, no, wrong.

Giving her tush a swaying shake, Celestia felt clumps of snow slide over her cutie mark.

“Figured I would be, just had to brag a little. So tell me, what has the apple princess been up to?”

>Answerin’ complaints from other lands.

“Hm, you have a very odd way of spending the holidays, dear.”

>Well, y’know, wouldn’t really have tuh’ be dealin’ with this if SOMEONE didn’t get so darn caught up in their merry-makin’ that they forget tuh’ raise the sun on time! Thrice!

“…Oh.”

>Yeah, OH! Which causes all kinds’a trouble fer’ everyone! But… now that yer’ back, guess who’s ‘bout to help with alllllll these angry letters an’ pissed off dignitaries?

“…”

>Yup, it’s all yer’ f-

CRASH!

Applejack could only smile as she watched the princess of equestrian go tumbling out the window.

>Ahhh, Ah’ missed that.

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OOCO

>AJ
“Celly”
‘???’
~~~~

Two massive, rotunds hips collided with a healthy smacking sound, one orange and the other white, each vying for dominance.

>Nnngh…

“Mmmph....”

>Ngh.

“Mmph.”

>Nngh nnnngh ngh!

“Mmmprgh mmmph mrgh!”

>NGH!

“M-”

‘If you two don’t shut up and budge over I’m spitting this all over the both of you.’

>…

“…”

Wordlessly, cheeks bulging with toothpaste, Applejack and Celestia stepped in opposite directions allowing a messy maned, weary-eyed Shining Armor to approach and spit in the sink.

‘Friggin’… can’t catch no sleep… crazy ass mares and bugs arguing about which movie to watch… gotta camp outta my own dang kingdom… bull….’

And the two princesses watched the king of the Crystal Empire slump away, all the while muttering drowsily under his breath and suffering what was perhaps the silliest defeat of his life.

>...Ah' almost feel sorry for 'im.

"Mm. Almost. Great morning ass, though."

>Meh.

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>Screwloose
“12”
~~~~

>….

“Screwloose…?”

>…

“Hey. Hey, Screwloose? You in there?”

>…

“Okay, you’re really starting to weird me out over here. You’ve been staring up at that corner for the past ten minutes now, saying nothing. What’s wrong?”

After a time, Screwloose worked her jaw, eyebrows knitting together.

>I sense… a disturbance, like some long gone annoyance coming back for round two….

“You… what? What does that mean?”

And now she turned her gaze to him, looking oddly solemn.

>It means, pervert… that you’ve been mighty slack with your massages lately! All the walking around I do and you decide to just cut corners? Really?

“Cut corners? I-the hell are you talking about? I used oil the last time!”

>Yeah, that cheap dime-store oil! That non-fragranced oil! Am I not worth a splash of lavender? Maybe some lilac thrown in the mix?

He stared, tempted to argue back.

But damn it all if that pout wasn’t adorable.

“…How about a hoof bracelet?”

>Ooooooooo, perrrrvert! For true? I didn’t know you cared that much!

“…I get five minutes.”

>…

“No interruptions. You'd better not open your trap.”

>...Fine.

“Hell yeah.”

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 >Spike
‘Poindexter’

Spike looked around the field at his party.

It had all gone so very wrong. He and Dex had done what they knew how to do.

They should have been nigh unstoppable. But here they were. Beaten. Bleeding. Broken.

The worst part is, it was something he might have seen coming if he’d been paying attention.

They were all tangled in vines. Equallibric Vines specifically. The stronger you were, the stronger they became. At low levels they were little difficulty, but at higher levels…well they were nearly unstoppable, and it was all his fault for min/maxing the party. Luna had gotten him good.

He looked at the blade in his hand. A cursed blade. A blade that drank souls.

He raised it in front of himself, blade pointed to his own chest.

‘Spiiiike? Buddy? What are you doing?’ Poindexter called out from across the field where he was grappling his own vine.

>This is going to suck.

He pulled the blade down, skewering himself through and through, and fell to the ground, eyes rolling into the back of his head.

“And then there was one. Great plan Spike. Totally see why you’re the DM now.”

>Oh, Shut up.

The voice sounded wrong. As though squeezed from a corpse.

Creakily, the strangely pale and gaunt dragon rose to his feet before tearing the blade from his chest, wisps of dark magic receding into the weapon.

>LIFE STEAL!

Black lighting leap from his outstretched claw to very vine in the field draining them until they turned withered, brown, and crumbled.

Triumphantly the dragon walked over to his only conscious ally.

>See? I had a plan. Have a little faith colt.

‘No yeah, I get it. Great plan there bro. Dracolich racial feature. But uh, did you happen to take note of what the next area is?’

>?
>The Holy City of Mare-ohfuckaduck.

‘Yeah. Whole city. Holy Ground.’

>I get it.

‘And you’re undead now.’

>Yes, thank you. I understand.

‘And the guards all attack undead on sight’

>Sigh….this is not my day.

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 >AJ
“Spike”

>So…you can’t walk anywhere in tha’ whole dang city?

“I cannot. Or else I get to learn what that whole ‘the floor is lava’ game is about”

>And you have to stay completely hidden?

“Or get a disguise item. Or we fight literally every guard in the city, and I can’t stand on the ground to fight.”

>Huh. …How’s your ride skill?

“AJ Please! We’re in Public! Unless you’re in to that. …kinky”

The apple mare looked at him completely deadpan.

>Boy, this is the most fun thing Ah’ve done in weeks and so far Ah’ve been forced to play against my class, forced to learn magic Ah don’ much care for, and been shamed by what amounts to a glorified NPC. Tease me again and Ah WILL use you for a little ‘Stress Relief’ no matter who’s watchin’ y’get me?

“That’s supposed to be a deterrent?”

>Heh. I don’ know. Depends how adventurous ‘yer feelin’. Now hop on up ya’ greedy little perv.

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OOCO
>AJ
“Celly”
‘Luna’
~~~~

‘Okay. Explain this to us just once more.’

>C’mon now!

“Really, Luna? Really?”

‘Just once more we say!’

“Oh for the love of….”

>Alright. Alright, alright, look… fer’ the last dadgum time, this here’s a requisition form. Ya use to… what? Whatta ya use it fer’?

‘Fooooor… well, obviously the answer is apparent!’

“Coming up on the fifth time explaining this, it really oughta be.”

>Well?

‘Um… it, uh… it’s like… w-we… it’s like an official investigation! R-right? For those of political standing and such?’

The sound of two simultaneous facehoof slaps going off was quite comical, as were the groans that followed.

“I can’t. I just… I can’t. We’ve been doing this for over six hours now, my brain is bacon….”

>No, Luna. An inquisition, that’s… that’s… actually, that’s what shoulda happened a long time ago ‘round here, now that Ah’ think about it.

“Shut your apple, Jack. And you, moonass, we’re going to get at least this ONE form drilled into your head, you get me? Even if it takes us all night!”

The night came and went and Luna had no better grasp of forms than before.

“ME DAMN IT!”

>Yer' fault fer' not teachin' her sooner.

"KISS MY ASS!"

[So, jus' curious, is that an open invitation or-]

"NOT IN THE MOOD 56!"

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>Sombra
"Two"
'???'
-???-
~???~

>Okay, so I may have to reread that story about using a spider to catch a fly.

-KILL THE HERETICS!-

'FOR THE NIGHTMARE!'

"...nahhhhh."

-FOR THE EMPRESS!-

>I enchant the Space Mareines to keep the Nightmare Mareines in line, but then I had to enchant the Eldeer in order to distract both, and then-

~WAAAAAAGH!~

"Ya sneezed and accidentally enchanted the Boarkz."

>I was aiming for the Pharaohbots I swear. I don't even have sinuses that's the messed up thing.

"I'm startin' ta think the enchantments are startin' ta spread without ya doin' anything, Somby."

>Hm? Why?

"Cuz I got Sludgenoids in my hair."

>...

=Mama.=

>Noooooo, no that won't do. Hang on, I'll fix this. All of you get in a line, I'm undoing the enchantment!

'WHAT!?'

-RETREAT!-

~RUN FER IT, BOYZ!~

KA-FLEE

>...

"..."

=Mama.=

Pew!

"Thank you."

>No problem...now let's grab a broom and a trash can and see to getting rid of these little monsters.

"Can do!"

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>Acty
"JJ"
'Janitor'
-Coltsly-

>So he's not dead?

'Nope.'

"Just up and went off somewhere."

'Yup.'

>...are you gonna tell us where?

'Didn't ask. Got paid. Cleaning office.'

>No offense but you talk really weird, buddy.

'Sore throat.'

"Oh Acty knows how to fix those-!"

'Like mares.'

"...what's that got to do with anything?"

'Move please. Broken glass.'

"Huh? Oh wow, there is, huh?"

>I hope he's paying you a lot for this, he just trashed this place.

"Yeah, and he burned the rest of those nice cards he was giving out. What a jerk."

>Real scrooge.

'Pays well?'

>Huh? Oh yeah, I get by.

'Good.'

"Okay, seriously dude? You are weird. Like, really weird."

'Roach.'

"What'd you call me-!?"

'Almost sittin' on a roach.'

"..."

*Chitter*

"Oh."

>Don't worry about him, that's 32's pet-ow! It bit me!

*chitter!*

>Okay, jeez, his friend.

"...you understand him?"

>Well no but I'm good with context clues and body language.

'Weird.'

>Like you can talk!

-Hellooooo? Mr. 32? Are you in-what happened here!?-

>Oh, hey. Don't mind us, the ambassador is just out for a walk.

-Uh...right. I was just dropping by to give him a bottle of this wine, kind of a belated Hearthswarming gift for being such a nice neighbor.-

"Yeah because that's just what he needs, more booze."

-...is that the cause of this...state of affairs?-

>You could say that. We wouldn't know, we spent all of last night together.

"Hardly slept."

>Just stayed up with each other until we couldn't stay awake.

'Weird.'

"Screw you!"

-How progressive. Well I'll just take this back and find a less...destructive gift. Do you know when he'll be-uhm...that cockroach appears to be engaged in a life and death struggle with a...what is that?-

*chitter!*

~DIE FOUL DAEMON!~

'OH FUCK NO! NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!'

>"-...-"

'...I mean, weird.'

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Shadow Cardboard Pinkie"
'Luna'
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and-

'Not the best time!'

>Ah, right.

"What's the matter? Aren't you going to laugh me away? HA HA HA!"

>But I don't find you spooky.

'Enough talk! Have at thee!'
Luna fires multiple magic beams, but Shadow Pinkie comically dodges them all sticking her tongue out.

"Blelelelel. Come on, I just want to get out of the dream world and have fun in the canon world."

>Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

'and what of the means to get there?'

"Okaaaay, so we may have murdered your friends in the dreamworld to see if there was any way to enter the canon world. On the bright side, we got better and pretty sure we've figured it out how to kill you here and take over your body."
Smiles.

>Ummm...yeah, that's uh...really not going to slide. Take it away Princess Luna.

Shadow Pinkie playfully hops around.
"She'd have to more skill points into her accuracy if she wants to-"
The floor warps into tentacles and wraps around shadow Pinkie's hooves. Luna creates a crescent sword.

'You have no place here, creature of nightmares. LUNAR SLASH!'
Luna delivers an explosive slash on shadow pinkie. The numbers 9999 appear on her for a moment and she collapses on the floor.

"I don't care if these stories are non-canon and in the dreamworld. I'm going to become a canon character whether it makes sense...or not."
Her coat slowly turns pitch black. Wings emerge from her back and a sharp horn grows out of her head.

>Ooooh...that's all the time we have for tonight! I hope I'm still here!

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>SA
"Twilight"
~~~~~

SMASH!

SLICE!

....*Blub?*

"Raaaaaagggghhh!!"

>Okay, Twili? Twili, you're not gonna succeed like this.

"Raaaaagghhhhhh!"

SMASH SLICE SMASH!

....*Blub?*

>You know this, Twili! You know it! Be smart, use that big old brain and ask 'what happens when I split a slime blob in two? You're just making it worse!

"...You know, Shiny, you're right, I am making it worse."

>Oh thank goodness-

"If only I had my fire spells, or my ice spells, or aaannnnnyyyy of my spells."

>...Regret.

"If I had any of those, maybe I could do something besides smash it. But I can't, can I? Noooooooo... I have to just keep hitting, and hitting, because that's what a barbarian does! Hits and hits and hits and hits AND HITS AND HITS AND HITS!..."

>...

"...r-rraaaagghhhh..."

>...

"Rreaaaaagghhhhhhh..."

>...

"...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

FWOOOOMMMMM!

>HOLY FUCK!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHHH!"

>T-Twili, I think you unlocked Berserker Rage.

"GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

>Yep. Giant swirling power, eyes are red, annnnnddddd... yep, hair has turned golden and is now standing on end, because apparently this game is lawsuit proof.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

>TWILI NO! YOU'LL DESTROY EVERYTHING!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BOOOOOOM!

>...

"..."

*...Blub?*

"SON OF A

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>Poindexter
‘Spike’
“Flutters”
(RD)
+Pinkie+
[AJ]
-Rarity-

>Y’know, I don’t mean to complain or anything

‘And yet, that seems to be all I hear from you these days

>It’s just…well we don’t seem to be ‘conquering’ so much as ‘burning to cinders’

‘It’s not my fault!’

>…You’re the one leading us?

‘But, it’s not going like it should! It all keeps going south for no predictable reason!’

>…you think a quiet town freaking out and trying to kill us because you get revealed to be an undead horror is unpredictable?

‘I HAD A HAT OF DISGUISE! I SHOULDN”T BE GETTING REVEALED!’ WHAT KIND OF PLACE HAS ANTI-MAGICAL RAIN!?’

>We are near an enchanting factory. They do pollute the air with anti-magic particles used to keep the more volatile enchantments contained.

‘That factory was not on the map!’

>The map you intimidated the mayor of the previous town into giving us? After burning it to the ground?

‘Those clowns attacked us!’

>True, they were kind of dicks but we’re getting off topic.

‘and what PRAY TELL is the topic!?’

>You’re plan is failing.

‘…’

>…

‘Fine. Y’know what? FINE! You want to go back to playing things normally, let’s just turn around and go back. Back to being Luna’s toys. Why not!? Not like she’s horribly abusing her power to screw with those of us she doesn’t like or anything. Not like she isn’t being horribly petty! Let’s just play her game!’

>…Says the guy who usually uses DM’ing to torture his older brother and makes me watch when all I want to do is play. Also, pretty sure she doesn’t hate you, you just kinda started down a dark road straight off the bat.

‘I DIDN”T KNOW THEY WEREN’T HOSTILE!’

>Also, we can’t really go back. Pretty sure we burned those bridges.

‘Oh please, we’re the party of heros, this is a campaign, we can totally go back on the rails at any time.’

>No I mean literally. We’ve burned like 15 bridges. Also 5 of them were over lava which with your new found weakness to fire…none of us can cross.

‘Alright then, YOU lead us smartass! You’ve got the answers, why don’t you take charge!?’

>Oh, hell no. I’m not painting a target on myself

‘Then STOW IT!’

“Umm…Could I try?”

‘…what?’

“I have some ideas, and I’d like t try leading the party…if..if that’s alright with you?”

(Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa I agree we need a change of leadership. But c’mon, Fluttershy? It should totally be me right guys?)

-[+NO!+]-

>I’ll back fluttershy

‘C’mon guys, no, I can do this! Trust me!’

>All in favor of Fluttershy as party lead?

>-[+AYE!+]-

>All opposed?

‘(Nay!)’

>Motion carries, Fluttershy is now in charge

‘TRAITORS!’

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>Luna
"PD"
~~~~~~

>Oh, dear... we actually kind of like the yellow one, and feel a sort of kinship over the shared experiences of losing control to thine own power.

"..."

>Computer?

"That's the one that was granted literal omnipotence power and has mostly chosen not to use it at all and hates it, right?"

>Well, 'omnipotence' is rather off as he can be tricked, confused and even become sick from a disease, but we suppose?

"..."

>Computer?

"...Beep... Boop."

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 >Cadence
"Chrysalis"
'SA'
[18]
{42}
~Celestia~
+Twilight+
~~~~~
>...Ewwww.
"Ew, no."
[No no no nooooo.]
~I think not.~
+...grargl.+
'Really, girls?'

>We are not fighting that thing.

"Absolutely not."

~NO~

'What's the problem?'

>....Shiny, Shiny I want you to think about this. That is a giant oil monster.

"OIL."

~Do you have any idea how hard that would stick? My fur would be black forever! I would look like Chrysalis! DO YOU WANT ME TO LOOK LIKE CHRYSALIS!?~

"HEY!"

[Do you have any idea how much my wig cost!? DO YOU!?]

{I could fight it.}

>NO! Okay, NO! You are not getting dirty like that before...

{...}

>Nevermind, just NO!

+Ragl.+

>And Twilight is still... uh.. her, so guess who's volunteering!

'You know what? Fine, I'm not afraid to get a little dirt-OH FUCK!'

SPLAT!

>SHINY!

"OH FUCK IT ATE HIM!"

~I TAKE IT BACK JUST GIMME SHINY BAAAACCKKKKK! BUBBLEHORSE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!~

[GIMME BACK MY SHINY!]

FWIP!

'MRPMMMMGMMM!'

>"{...}'"

~...I think you-~

[I KNOW!]

{Blast! How are we supposed to get him out-}

+RARGABLE!+

BOOM!

>...oh wow.

"She uh... she's just tearing him up... that is not something you should do with your teeth."

SPLAT!

'...WHO SHOT ME WITH THE ARROW!?'

[Chrysalis.]

"YOU BITCH!"

'Ugh, don't do that again... thanks, Twili!'

+Glrbl.+

'Best LSBFF.... ugh, not I'm all covered in this crap.'

>Do not ask for a kiss, fair warning.

"...Just throwing this out there, would still be all over you like white on rice."

>'[{~...~}]'

"Too much?"

+Rarg+

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>Bulk
"Fleetfoot"
~~~~

>Miss Fleetfoot! I have a question!

"If it's about my name, for the last time I don't know."

>Nope, not that!

"What is it then?"

>Should, uh, should we be doing something?

"Nope."

>You're sure?

"Yep."

>Extra sure?

"Uh huh."

>...Really, REALLY sure?

"Yep."

>Really really really really sure?

"Don't engage unless someone is going to get crushed."

>...Suuuuuuurrrreee?

"I'm sure."

>Okay.

"...Are you going to stay back?"

>Yeah...

"What what that?"

>...

"...No "YEAH!"?"

>...

"...Huh."

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