Beach Bum Anon Chapter 7: Everything is fucked

Jun 24th, 2017
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  1. "Dear Princess Celestia,"
  2. >Your legs twitch and squirm as a paralytic warmth spreads across your rear
  3. "The preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration are underway, and it appears we'll be snugly underbudget again."
  4. >Pinkie's forked tongue leaves your anus with a wet pop and she laps up the foul saliva that drips down your taint
  5. "The projected crowds have shrunk since last year, as per usual."
  6. >Her curious snout plants several light kisses on your shivering rump
  7. >You tap your chin for a moment, staring off into space
  8. >A sudden movement outside a high window catches your eye
  9. >Must be those darn birds
  10. >You should really tell Dash about that
  11. "I know how busy you are, but I think it would be good for the ponies here to see you raise the sun in person for once."
  12. >Her tongue slides across your ass and thrusts itself into your gaping vagina like a striking snake
  13. "Lately everypony's been on edge with all the unwindings going on, and frankly I'm a little concerned myself."
  14. >It whips and winds to explore your inner curvature with childish curiosity
  15. "The doctors say it's because of the weather, but I can't help but feel worried."
  16. >Suddenly, Pinkie screams, pulls away and jumps into the air
  17. >Her eyes buldge at a nonexistant watch
  18. >"WOAWOAWOAH! I was supposed to be at the Cakes' by five! Sorry Twilight, I gotta get going!"
  19. >She zooms out of your castle, leaving your gash empty and unserviced
  20. >You roll your eyes and tell Spike to drop the letter and take over
  21. >Dragons have longer tongues anyways
  23. >Muted greens intermingle with the orange and pink of dusk
  24. >The night sky creeps towards the sun in its predatory stalk
  25. >Threatening to bring with it total darkness
  26. >You know such threats are not baseless
  27. >Already the guards patrol the streets, their bright red lanterns bobbing around Ponyville in steady marches
  28. >If you lived in someplace like Manehatten or Canterlot, your sky might be filled with stars and maybe even a moon
  29. >You could see the occasional white sparkle as dedicated mages suppressed the wraiths for the night
  30. >But you just have to make do with what you have
  31. >Padded feet slap against the crystal floor
  32. >You turn away from your balcony to see Spike
  33. >A scroll is in his claws, held out in offering
  34. >"It's Celestia."
  35. >You take the scroll into your ethereal lavender grip and unfurl the yellowish papyrus
  36. >'To my faithful friend Twilight Sparkle,
  37. >'I am pleased to hear of the Celebration's progress, as always, and am always happy to hear from you'
  38. >You swell up with pride for a moment
  39. >It's silly, especially now that you are practically equals
  40. >But you are always touched when she speaks so fondly of you
  41. >'As always, I'm always watching the happiness of my always beloved peasantry, and am well aware of their status.
  42. >'They always know what always serindipidously always for the presumptuous raptinuity of the consummation.
  43. >'But what always the knowleminous volumization of the always present undimnitious castramento.'
  44. >Aw shucks, you never understand her when she breaks out these huge words
  45. >It must be something really important
  46. >'Which is my I must say I cannot leave the palace grounds at this time.'
  47. >'Sincerely, your beloved Princess Celestia.'
  48. >Such a shame
  49. >No matter, there's always next year
  50. >You drop the letter on the ground to see that Spike has already run off
  51. >Where's he going in such a hurry?
  52. >Oh well
  53. >With that bit of business wrapped up, you turn your attention back to the dots on the ground
  54. >The sun has disappeared completely now, and every room in the castle is bathed in torchlight
  55. >Lights in the homes below refuse to travel beyond the glass of the windows, leaving the patrols alone with their lamps
  56. >The darkness has slowly coalesced into an ever thickening fog on the ground below
  57. >In a matter of minutes no light in the world would be able to penetrate the miasma
  58. >The price of civilization
  59. >Ponykind's penitence for its hatred and greed
  60. >An eternal reminder to reflect and repent...
  61. >To reflect on...
  62. >Repenting...
  63. >...
  64. >Your mind is a blank
  65. >Nothing that can't be solved by the whip
  66. >As you turn away from the balcony to engage in a night of self-flagellation, you notice Spike has returned with another letter in his hand
  67. "Oh! Didn't hear you come in."
  68. >"It's kinda hard to hear anything with you wheezing like that."
  69. >Embarassment washes over you as you realize just how hard you are breathing
  70. >You turn your gaze away from Spike, fruitlessly attempting to hide your flushed cheeks
  71. >"It's from Mayor Mare."
  72. >Sensing imminent business, you quickly recompose yourself
  73. "Probably the tithe, late again I see. We'll have to look into asking Soarin for an inquisitor if this keeps up."
  74. >"I dunno, it didn't feel like there were any bits inside."
  75. "Spike, we switched over to credit notes, like, six months ago."
  76. >He shrugs
  77. >You examine the envelope and do indeed see the seal of the Ponyville Tax House stamped in wax
  78. >The face of a smiling foal over two crossed fasces
  79. >You tear open the top and find a piece of yellow construction paper hastily scribbled over in brown crayon inside
  80. >Standard Mayor Mare prodcedure
  81. >'To the affable Princess Twilight,
  82. >'Your wisdom and mercy are legendary,
  83. >'I, Mayer Mare do hereby inviteth thee to an outing to the Castle of the Two Sisters where we might discuss plans for refurbishing it into a grand cathedral rivalling the spires of Cloudsdale.
  84. >'As it is in the very earlist stages of planning I have no budget or construction projections, I simply wish to discuss the matter at the moment.
  85. >'Meet me at the castle at exactly 3 pm tomorrow, bring nopony and tell nopony.
  86. >'Burn this letter when you are finished reading it.'
  87. >The letter abrubtly ends with a depiction of you and the Mayor holding hooves and smiling in place of a signature
  88. >This will be the perfect time to discuss the tithe situation with her in private!
  89. >Just before you incinerate the letter with a spell of hellfire, you give the drawing a second take
  90. >The sudden realization hits you that this message is a complete farce
  91. >The Mayor Mare in the drawing is completely stark naked!
  92. >The real Mayor is far too autistic to leave out any detail, let alone the collar and tie around her neck!
  93. >Something sour is afoot
  94. >Somewhere far below a guard screams as he is dragged off into the night
  96. >For the fifth time that night, you ran
  97. >You aren't taking any chances
  98. >Every crunch and snap could be a skinwalker or some similar freakazoid
  99. >Not to mention the fact that the cultists could be hot on your heels
  100. >At any moment something could descend upon you from the edges of your vision and beyond, claiming your body and or soul for some dark purpose
  101. >You've been in this damned magic horse land for what, a week? Two?
  102. >That's not counting your accidental expedition into the fucking void
  103. >Nothing here makes sense
  104. >Everything wants to kill you
  105. >Nothing makes fucking sense
  106. >It doesn't even need to make fucking sense if you can strangle it
  107. >That's how it was in the real world
  108. >But you can't strangle shit with these contemptable keratin cloppers
  109. >Not that you've tried, but you doubt it would be possible
  110. >Especially not with this baby strength
  111. >Horses are supposed to be all muscle
  112. >All of your forward momentum suddenly clumps up at the base of your skull as your head slams into a dark shape
  113. >The world goes completely black and silent for a moment before returning in full, earsplitting force
  114. >The thing that you conked your head against is big, hairy, and shaped like an egg
  115. >Through the deafening sound of cicadas and crickets you hear a grunt, a growl, and finally a roar
  116. "Oh goddammit!"
  117. >The egg shape is quickly violated as a long arm breaks from the side and slams against your body, launching you several feet and into a shrub
  118. >The sudden surge of pain immediately breaks your trance of frustration and you find yourself taken back into the clutches of fear
  119. >A few of the wild potatoes slip from your ass, now in fecal form
  120. >The thing suddenly rises on spindly stick legs, the shapes so thin you quickly lose them in the darkness
  121. >Something cracks, something else pops and the creature jolts towards you, its arm lost in the rapidly expanding sillhouette
  122. >In a pitiful effort to slow it down you kick at your tiny mushy turds, sending them airborne and landing on the creature as brown flecks
  123. >If it had any effect, it was not one you could notice
  124. >The arm wraps around your ankle and slings you past the treeline and straight into the sky
  125. >Looking down you see the shape grow twice its original size
  126. >Several rows of slobber-slicked probably-teeth glisten in the light of the full moon
  127. >Just as you begin your descent you are blindsided from behind with all the force of a freight train
  128. >Your senses withdraw for a moment, and as they return you are made aware of something wrapped around your gut in a vice
  129. >Your new captor is horse-shaped and in the faint starlight you were not afforded below the canopy you detect a hint of orange
  130. >"Guess I got you just in time. That's probably the wraith that got Hodgepodge."
  131. >As you speed away into the night you can hear the beast scream, presumably in rage
  132. >"Yeah, you think what she got was bad? Ever seen what wraiths do to kids? You'd be fucked up, sonny. Rightly fucked up.
  133. >"Hell, we probably wouldn't even be able to tell what you were. That is, if we even find the strawberry jam stain that would be your corpse."
  134. >The imagery sends shivers down your spine
  135. >"Yeah, you'd prolly just get turned to mist and get scattered for miles. They really, really hate children."
  136. >There's a long period of silence
  137. "Wh-"
  138. >"Like, holy shit dude. You would be totally fucked. In more ways than one.
  139. >"That thing would've raped the shit out of you. Not gently, either. Your sphincter would shatter like a dinner plate.
  140. >"You know how some people say they get fucked raw? Yeah, it'd stuff its fucking arms up your ass. Not slowly. Like, instantly.
  141. >"You would be able to hear your anuses break. Do you have any idea how painful that is? Because the answer is very.
  142. >"Not that it's ever happened to me, mind you, but I've seen it before. You'd scream like a cockatoo. Not sing, scream. Cockatoos scream, and its a lot worse than when they sing.
  143. >"And he'd do that until your pelvis split straight down the middle. Actually, it'd split into threes- no, fours.
  144. >"Your asshole would probably look worse than the mist, honestly. At least when you're mist you won't feel shit.
  145. >"No, when he splits your butt like a lumberjack you'd wish you were burning in tartarus. For a million years.
  146. >He chuckles to himself and shakes his head, shifting your weight to his other hoof
  147. >You really dodged a bullet, if this guy is to be believed
  148. >Wishing to forget about the matter, you stare up at the full moon, taking in the sound of the whooshing wind and slow return of the bugs dwelling in the night forest
  149. >"Holy shit, and your legs. Your legs would get crushed like soda cans.
  150. >"You know how when you step on a soda can to crush it up into a little circle? Those would be your legs. All of them.
  151. >"Your bones would be bleeding. No, scratch that, your bones would be blood, because the bones wouldn't be bones anymore.
  152. >"Imagine breaking an egg with the shell, and you got your legs. Holy shit, you ever had eggs? They're the fucking bomb diggity. I envy griffins, I really do. They get to eat eggs. And meat. Without getting sick, I mean.
  153. >"The yolk tastes kinda like metal, but its a good kind of metal. Like, fuckin... I dunno how to describe it. They just taste like eggs. And yolk. Have you ever met a griffin?"
  154. "N-no. I met a hippogriff, though. Once. In Miluwakee, I think."
  155. >Your response is instant and filled with dread
  156. >He tsks at you and sneers
  157. >"If you're gonna tell stories, tell believable ones. Retard."
  158. >Another silent moment
  159. >"Fuck, I wanna drop you now. Fuck you. Fuckin'... stupid, idiot. Fuck off."
  160. >His words are genuine enough that you reciprocate his grip and stare at the shapeless void below
  161. >"Easy, easy. I'm not actually gonna. I mean, I really want to, but Trixie would be peeved."
  162. >You trust in his words and let go of him
  163. >Whether he lied or just wasn't prepared for your weight matters not
  164. >Regardless of circumstances, you are soon left in a freefall
  165. >"Oh, wait, shit! Come back!"
  166. >You flail around in the air for a few moments, rushing towards the dark outline of a pine tree
  168. >You were already ten minutes late
  169. >You can't conceal the swagger in your step, nor subdue the smug grin on your face
  170. >There's a certain taste in the air as you trot through the ruined arch, a taste not unlike victory
  171. >You are ten steps ahead of this mystery mare, and you aren't planning on letting her catch up
  172. >The professional soldiers in the castle guard had quietly surrounded the castle and wait for your signal
  173. >A small levy had been gathered to follow you in, armed with only spears and pitchforks
  174. >In a crowd of twenty-three, however, they were just as intimidating as any mob
  175. >Weather ponies gathered a small storm over the castle to clovertly peer through the clouds
  176. >To top it all off, you finally had an opportunity to show off your stylish new hiking boots
  177. >Stopping in the center of the main hall, you clear your throat and puff out your chest
  178. "We know you're here, show yourself and face judgement!"
  179. >Your voice rings through the castle, echoing off the high stone walls and down dark corridors, booming into the exposed sky
  180. >The echoes trail away, leaving only the sound of a rustling breeze
  181. >So it's gonna be like that, is it?
  182. >You fire a signal flare into the sky, blue, to tell your hidden troops to sweep the building
  183. >You take your conscripts down the main hall at a brisk pace, swinging open the great iron doors to the throne hall
  184. >Immediately you notice that the doors to the actual throne room itself were ajar, the tarnized gold surfaces swung violently inwards and barely clinging to the frames
  185. "Come out and you might get off with the guillotine."
  186. >Several seconds with no reply
  187. "Alright, you-"
  188. >A blinding flash steals your sight, your troops scream in fear
  189. >You charge up an explosion spell but it quickly fizzles out when something latches on to your horn
  190. >A hand slides under your gut and you are hoisted into the air
  191. "Submit to the crown, I DEMAND IT!"
  192. >Another hand covers your mouth, prompting you to squirm and kick
  193. >You charge up another spell, but just as it condensers in the tip of your horn you hear a loud crack from deep inside your skull
  194. >You let out a muffled howl of agamy, your head feels like it's being hammered in with a club
  195. >The snow white burned into your retinas dims into a faint grey, the pain threatening to render you unconscious
  196. >But through sheer will, you bounce right back and bite out at your captor's fingers
  197. >You hit your mark, clamping down on at least two and being rewarded with a masculine scream and the coppery taste of blood
  198. >You are flung from (his?) grip and slam into something hard and stone
  200. >That voice...
  201. >Deep, and slightly accented, somewhat posh
  202. >Definitely male
  203. >Don't you know it from somewhere?
  204. >You scramble to your hooves and blink several times, but to no avail
  205. "Troops! Who can see? Strike at the thug!"
  206. >"They're nowhere near us you pillock."
  207. >That's right, you heard their panicked shouting trail off while you were incapacitated
  208. >"Don't worry, though. No matter how much I want to STRANGLE you right now, I'm going to try my best to hold back."
  209. "Who are you? I demand to be unblinded!"
  210. >He inhales sharply and expels a venemous grunt
  211. >"TWILIGHT you DOPE! It's DISCORD! The SPIRIT OF CHAOS! THE MASTER OF DISHARMONY! We've been over this before!"
  212. >Discord, huh? That does sound familiar...
  213. >"As for your sight, it'll come back eventually. Maybe next time you LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL YOU."
  214. >The nerve!
  215. "As if I'd listen to someone impersonating a state official! You'll rot in-"
  217. >He takes a deep breath and you hear him pacing around you
  218. >Oddly, his footsteps are a mix between a quiet clop and the padded clicking of lizard feet
  219. >"Alright, alright. So, I got the soul about a week or so ago, and I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm gonna admit it, I played around with him.
  220. >"Made him a kid and stuff, and I know, I said I wouldn't, I'd be professional, but I didn't think the goat would be watching this closely, alright?
  221. >"So yeah, I screwed it up, but it doesn't matter right now because the goat's getting paranoid, I've seen it, he's sending all the extra wraiths to this kid.
  222. >"You met him, didn't you? I remember sending him your way. Whatever, don't answer, not important. The point is-"
  223. >Another sharp breath, he disengenes from his blabble, runs around for a few seconds, and returns to pacing
  224. >"The point is-"
  225. "Alright, mister 'Discord,' that's enough. If you're trying to indoctrinate me, I'll have you know how... umm..."
  226. >He falls completely silent while you try and figure out the word you're thinking of
  227. >It's the one that means completely, except it starts with a 'u'
  228. >The lightbulb inside suddenly flickers on
  229. "I'll have you know how uttardly insane it is to try and convert a princess to whatever cult you're a part of.
  230. "And furthermore, you should realize that soon you'll be in the custardy of Equestria's finest and thrown in an iron maiden like the rest of your kind!"
  231. >Dead silence
  232. >You begin to wonder if maybe he's already fled like the craisen dog he is
  233. >"You..."
  234. >There is genuine sorrow in his voice
  235. >" really have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"
  236. "And for that I'm glad! Glad and also proud!"
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