goldentot call out

now that i’ve had some time to organize my thoughts and reassess the situation, i’ve decided i’m ready to speak about what happened between harleigh/tate/goldentot and i. i’ve fought with myself whether to say anything at all out of fear of what would happen if i did. but im afraid of anything like this happening to someone else. and i hate seeing people who were also conflicted and hurt by this situation have to suffer in silence because it was left to me to decide to say anything. and i know that either way i approached the situation, it would be ugly anyway. i am writing this for everyone who he has hurt and felt they could not say anything because of his status. but i am also writing this for me. for closure.

to put it simply, he cheated on me with several people and had me questioning my own sanity over it for the last several years of our relationship. i didn't realize it until after he broke up with me and i had time to talk about what happened with people who've known tate for 5+ years and they shared their own similar experiences with me.

he’s had a history of cheating on all of his partners before me. he has a history and repeat pattern of commitment issues. he struggles to control impulsive habits and relies heavily on instant gratification to make himself feel better.

i worry that i enabled him to the point where he’s not only going to hurt more people, but he’s also going to end up killing himself. he refuses to make any real lasting changes to better himself. he wants to jump into a new relationship to give himself the illusion that he’s making a change. he did the same thing when we first started dating. and he’s done it with his previous relationships. the thrill of being in a new relationship gives him a temporary feeling of excitement and he chases after that feeling. convinces himself it’s what he needs to change. but he’s only getting himself stuck in a pattern. he needs to disconnect and focus on his reality. he needs to pay more attention to his health and surroundings. he is too addicted to the endless validation his fans give him. all of that praise has gone to his head and its killing him. the moment he is ever presented with something that challenges him, something that stresses him out, he breaks down. he disassociates. he distances himself from everyone who tries to help him and builds resentment towards them. he surrounds himself with the company of people who barely know anything about him. people who are excited to hang out with a popular streamer. people who want to impress him. people who make him feel good about himself. anyone who ever challenges him otherwise, he convinces himself they’re bad for him and distances himself from them.

around when i first started dating harleigh, he was pushing 400 lbs. his diet consisted of mostly pizza, peanut butter sandwiches, and pepsi. he lived with his mom in a roach infested town house with dogs who were just left to shit and piss all over the floor and it wouldn’t be cleaned up for weeks. you walked into the kitchen or bathroom and instantly see at least 10 roaches scurrying to hide. you couldn’t cook or leave food out bc the roaches would always get to it. it is no wonder he has a fear of eating in the dark because roaches would literally crawl into his food. and his bedroom was the worst. covered in raw chicken leg bones that he would feed to wallace. cat litter that went uncleaned for weeks if not months. im sure thats the biggest reason wallace ended up with urine crystals and needed surgery. piles of bags of trash that he would never take out to the dumpster. piles of dishes that had been sitting on the floor or tables for most likely over a year. it wreaked of cat piss and rotten chicken and god knows what else in that room. ( for those who don’t know, wallace is a cat owned by jordan who was harleigh’s previous partner. harleigh had agreed to watch wallace for him while jordan had been in the process of moving out of state. )

but i cared for him. i truly believed he was ready to make a change. that i really did inspire him to do better like he said. he always talked to me about how excited he was to exercise with me. excited to cook with me. excited to try and learn new things. said we motivated each other. he told me so many sweet things back then. so i moved in with him into that house and did my best to clean it up. until we got evicted.

keep in mind this was before he made many viewers for streaming. he had maybe 20 max viewers for ffxiv on a good day and probably made around $100-$300 a month. the only choice he had was to follow his mom moving in with her friend. likely where he wouldn’t have the internet or a place to even put his computer. if i had never entered his life, this probably would have been a good turning point for him. something that would have forced him to have to make a change in his life. i should of noticed something was wrong the moment he got angry and yelled at me for crying over hearing the news that we would have to move out and would no longer be able to live together. i should of noticed something was wrong when he pressured me to move in with him to begin with by telling me he refused to do long distance relationships anymore. i should of noticed something was wrong when i stressed about making the 2 hour drive to his house every week in my shitty old grand jeep cherokee.

instead i fought hard to find him a place so he could continue streaming. i pleaded with my mom to let him live in our basement. we had much higher internet speeds than he had at his mom’s house so he was able to stream at higher quality. for 2 months he just sat in the basement doing nothing but streaming. i handled all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and looking for a cheap enough apartment for us to live in. i was fully prepared to have to work really hard living paycheck to paycheck to keep an apartment for us. so he could continue streaming. its my biggest regret putting in so much effort into something that wasn’t what he needed. i had truly thought he’d do so much better if i could just help him get better opportunities to do so. i had offered to help him get his GED since he never graduated high school. i offered to help him get his drivers license so he could get his own car. i put the apartment in my name because i was the only one of us who had any credit to qualify. i offered to help him build up his credit so he could move out of state like he originally expressed wanting to do. but he never wanted to put in the work to do it. i never pressed him to do these things. i only ever offered. but i worried about what his plans were for his future. worried about what would happen when he inevitably would have health complications due to his weight. worried about what would happen when streaming was no longer a viable option for him.

we moved into that apartment and he exploded in popularity. we never expected him to grow as fast as he did. he made enough money to pay all of our bills and still be comfortable enough to have spending money on top of it. but then his impulsive spending became a problem. especially when he first started to learn to do his taxes. i tried to convince him to budget his money. but he was always buying so many frivolous things at the last second. we ended up with probably one of each brand of virtual reality headset thats ever been released. every new console or game he bought without a thought. every new video card or computer part he wanted. not to mention the ungodly amounts of money spent on fast food.

i tried to cook food for him as much as i was able to so he would eat healthier. but often times he struggled with maintaining a proper sleeping schedule, so we weren't able to eat our meals at the same time. i also expressed that cooking full meals everyday was a difficult thing to expect me to be able to do everyday. i encouraged him to find meals that were quick and easy for him to eat on the days he streamed so it would make it easier on me. but often times he just resorted to large amounts of fast food. we agreed on trying out hellofresh. i loved the idea at the time because i thought that meant he’d help me cook or start trying to learn to cook himself. but it always was left to me to cook them. and i had expressed to him before it was not realistic to expect me to be able to have the energy to cook full new meals everyday. a lot of those meals i fell behind on and they went bad. and he made me feel so guilty for it. when he never even bothered to try and help me cook the meals. i tried to cook more often and cook things that could be stored away and eaten later but he would turn his nose up at it and order fast food anyways.

i tried to help out with money with commissions but it felt so futile. even when i helped out with buying our necessities, that only left more room for him to just spend even more. until he had to go on a payment plan for his taxes. im not sure what he plans to do about his future taxes. asking him about any of his plans just made him defensive.

the first year we lived together, it felt great. it felt like we were actually a team. we were losing weight and exercising together. we were always spending time together. we were learning new recipes and trying out cooking together. he felt like my best friend. we were so close. and then suddenly he got really invested into ffxiv raiding and i don't know what happened. he just. stopped. he gave up on the weight loss. gave up on eating better. gave up on exercising. went right back to living on cereal, poptarts, and peanut butter sandwiches. and started becoming distant with me. stopped showing interest in me.

when he first joined nest, it seemed like a good thing for him. he talked so highly of certain nest members and how much admiration he had for them. i was really happy for him to be making friends that would make a good positive influence in his life. harleigh’s stream and youtube videos started doing really well because of nest. so much that i later started hearing him boast about being the only reason nest does so well. boast about how he’s the funniest one there. suddenly complained about wanting to leave nest several times.

this was a pattern i began to notice in him in how he treats everyone in his life who tried to get closer to him. he makes a new friend. he hyper fixates on them. love bombs them. but then the moment they get close to him. the moment they see his flaws, failures, and mistakes, he suddenly grows disinterested. he no longer enjoys being around them. he tells himself there’s something wrong with them, not him. i’ve watched him do it to so many of his friends. he used to invite them to things, talk about them so highly, then stop and hang out with new friends. i feel so sorry for anyone who ever considered themselves close friends to harleigh. every time i’ve asked him if he had any friends he considered close, he always told me no. he said there is nobody he felt close to. and he is always trying to justify to himself why so he doesn’t have to feel guilty for abandoning the people who cared for him and helped him get where he is.

i think its just a defense mechanism of his. he doesn’t like to keep people in his life that remind him of his past mistakes. he doesn’t like to keep people in his life when they’ve seen him at his worst. he likes to bring new people in his life. new people who are excited to be hanging out with the popular streamer. new people who are willing to sing his praises and shower him in instant validation. new people who he doesn't have to worry about them judging him for his past.

im not sure when his unfaithfulness started exactly. but i suspect it began around the time he joined nest. he stopped showing interest in wanting to hang out with me. he was always busy with making videos and streaming. so i stopped showing up in his streams as much and started trying to find something for myself to focus on. i figured this was just a stage in our relationship where we had to start finding our own hobbies and give each other space. but its when i started noticing the flirting. all the people who threw themselves at him. its when i first started noticing him being dodgy when i walked up to him at the computer. when he flinched at me grabbing his phone. when i noticed he put passwords on everything and no longer trusted me to just have access to his passwords like he used to. despite me never once giving him any reason to believe i’d ever go snooping through his conversations. i’ve always given him his space. i never once felt or expressed any sort of distrust with him.

i was essentially his mom. his housekeeper. his assistant. all just to make it make it that much more easier for him to flirt with other people and i was none the wiser. i did the dishes. i did the laundry. i scrubbed the floors. i vacuumed the carpet. i cleaned the cat litter. i fed the cats. i cleaned up the accidents. i picked up and took out the trash. i cleaned the shower and sink drains. i scrubbed the countertops. i scrubbed the toilet and tub. everytime he clogged the toilet, i went in there with a plunger and unclogged it for him. i was the one answering his phone calls. i was the one calling the IRS for him. i was the one scheduling his appointments. i was the one cooking his food. i was the one going out and doing the shopping and left alone to bring the groceries in by myself. four years in our relationship and i still had to always ask him to use a condom despite all my previous pregnancy scares and me expressing i felt uncomfortable. i drove him everywhere he needed to go bc he just never wanted to get his license. i made sure i was always quiet as possible while he streamed. majority of the time i never got to use my microphone anymore bc he was always hanging out with someone on voice. i was happy to do it. i never once complained. i never once pressed him.

i didn’t start to suspect until gomen entered the picture. she set off the alarm in my head with her sexual flirty replies to his tweets. her always bailing on her friends the moment he started streaming so she could bulldoze her way into his farm parties with viewers. she was always talking to him in private discord messages. i asked harleigh if she was someone i should be worried about. he told me she was just an overly friendly mentally unstable fan who made him uncomfortable. so i left it at that. until gomen started going around telling people he chose me over her. so i decided i had to block her for my own sanity. i trusted in harleigh.

a few months later, he told me he was unhappy and wanted us to break up. i was shocked. i asked him if he was sure. he told me to stay at my moms until he reached a decision. it was a long stressful week consisting of just sleeping, crying and waiting. until he finally told me to come home and that we would work on it. i drove home that night thinking we would finally have a good long conversation and air out a lot of things and finally get past this distance we had between us. instead all he did was initiate really rough sex with me. i did not ask for it. but i went along with it because i figured it was what he needed. i had been in a previous relationship where my partner often felt insecure if we did not have sex. so i figured this was something harleigh needed.

afterwards, i asked him if he would introduce me to nier. i knew it was one of his new interests and i wanted to find a common interest to bond over. however, it wasn’t long until he suddenly grew incredibly distant again. i could tell he was purposefully pulling away from me. he wouldn’t look at me. he just kept looking down at this phone. i felt so repulsive. we had just had sex and yet he acted so cold immediately after. and suddenly, the power went out. so we were forced to acknowledge his distance. he just kept saying he was stuck in his head. i could not get him to explain anything. he wouldn’t open up to me. i asked him why he initiated having sex with me when he was still feeling this way. he told me he thought it was what i would of wanted. i was so baffled. we both went to bed but neither of us could sleep. eventually i decided to just change the subject. i forced myself to act excited about the new ffxiv patch and just told him funny stories about my friends. just forced myself to keep talking about positive things. eventually he seemed to perk up and take his mind off everything else. he thanked me for easing his mind and fell asleep. i could not sleep a wink. i laid there crying and shaking. so tense with anxiety. the power was out for nine hours.

finally morning came. harleigh admitted to me he cheated on me. admitted he got too close to someone else. told me he didn’t want to leave me for someone else but was “questioning everything”.

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when i asked who, he wouldn’t tell me. claimed it was someone who only used instagram. said i wouldn’t know them.

not long after this happened, harleigh made a video of his 2019 clips to celebrate the end of the year. against his better judgment, he included clips of gomen in his video. and this caused gomen to announce on her twitter that he cheated on me with her.

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and bc of that, i received several anon messages making fun of me for being with a cheater. i was so sick to my stomach. but i still believed in him. despite him still remaining friends with gomen even after the fact. he claimed it was to “keep the peace”. gomen, if you ever read this,i hope you know how mentally unstable and psychotic he made you out to be to everyone. he is not the friend you think he is.

for a year, i tried so hard to make it work. i went to therapy and began seeing a psychiatrist. i started working again. i started getting back into art. i expressed wanting to hang out with him. i expressed missing him. sometimes it would be great and i’d really finally feel relieved thinking we were making a connection. but then he just shoved me away again. going out of his way to avoid mentioning having a girlfriend in voice chats and stream. making sure to mute whenever i walked up to talk to him. ignoring me when i talked in his stream. being so unresponsive whenever i’d go to hug him. whenever i confronted him about it, he made me feel like i was making it all up. like it was all in my head. he told me things like he’s just terrible at expressing himself. which i just dont believe. he expressed himself so well to me in the beginning of our relationship. and i hear him shower his new friends with love so easily. i didnt understand why he could not do the same for me. i never asked for much. i just wanted reassurance. but it is clear to me now he checked out of our relationship years ago. and he just wanted me to be the one to break up with him so he could play it off as a mutual decision.

he broke up with me the day before christmas eve. i began moving myself and my cats in to live at my mom’s house for the time being. in the process of me moving out my stuff, i’ve already caught him sleeping on a discord call with someone on his laptop. something he’s expressed as being very intimate for him and he’d only do with someone he’s dating. im sure he had planned on trying to keep it secret for a while before going public about his new relationship as he did the same with me when we first started dating to protect his image. im sure he's already accusing me of using him for money or to escape a toxic family home.

and yet i still worry for him. a grown ass man who goes a full month without showering. who eats nothing but wendys and sonic and popeyes everyday. who ive never once seen wash a load of laundry or dishes in the entire time i’ve known him. never once did anything for me that didn’t directly benefit himself in someway. because i don’t know what he’s going to do. i worry so much for him because he literally does not take care of himself if there is nobody there to do it for him. he just lets everything fester and get worse if someone is not there to keep him focused. but i also fear he’s trapping yet another person into a relationship with him. taking advantage of their kindness. their patience. their love. i hope whoever it is that he’s pursuing right now takes this to heart and turns and runs the other way. please don’t put yourself through this. and know that you are only hurting him by enabling him to continue on this way.

for the longest time, i felt like the problem was me. he made me feel like i was boring. he made me feel like i was the one who had trouble expressing myself. he made me second guess my friendships. he made me feel like everyone was actually against me and not really trustworthy. he made me feel weird for the friends i had. friends i literally had thought he also considered friends. everytime i expressed interest in dnd and vrchat, he tried so hard to steer me away from it. told me i wouldn’t understand dnd. said it was complicated. said i wouldn’t fit in with the vrchat crowd. he did everything he could to push me away and tried so hard to make a path where it would be me who looked bad in the process. he talked so badly of people who thought they were friends. he feigns humility on his streams, but i could hear him in his private voice chats. he boasts about all the donations he gets, boasts about his voice, all the fanart he gets. he boasts about how his vrchat character gets more attention than anyone else in callous row. its all gone to his head. whenever i confronted him about certain things that made me uncomfortable like him suddenly clicking away from a discord conversation when i got close or the flirty jokes i’d overhear him make, he made me feel like such an overly jealous and overbearing person. he made me feel like i was making everything up in my head. he made me feel like i was going crazy. he made me feel like i was so awful to be around. he made me feel impossible to love.

i know there are other people out there with their own rough experiences with harleigh. but i will leave that to them to decide if they wish to share that or not.

i want to stress that i do not wish any ill will towards harleigh. i just want to draw attention to his actions before anyone else got hurt. he’s gotten away with doing a lot of things behind closed doors. the only thing he has learned over the years after he claimed he would “better himself” was how to better hide his behavior. i want nothing more than for him to be better. i have done nothing but make sure he had every possible opportunity to better himself. plenty of people can attest to that. and the only way he can do that is if he’s actually held accountable. disconnects. focuses on his health. focuses on his future. goes to therapy. stops using people and throwing them away to make himself feel temporary happiness. stops using the endless supply of praises from his fans to justify his behavior to himself. he needs to change for the sake of not only those around him but also for himself. and i’ve accepted that he probably never will.

i ask that everyone please respect that i would like nothing more to do with him. i tried really hard for four years to help him only for him to make such a complete fool out of me. i need to focus on myself for once now and heal the damage this has done to my mental state. thank you for reading.