Crazy Joe: Enter (Part 1)

<Leon_the_DM> ===START!===
* Crazy_Joe exits the car at a run.  Time on the clock?
<Leon_the_DM> The clock says you have less than 59 minutes left.
<Leon_the_DM> You areally are cutting it close.
<Crazy_Joe> Doing things at the last minute was always his modus operandi anyway.
* Crazy_Joe heads to the big top, crystal skull in hand.  Where's Ms. V?
<Leon_the_DM> Well then. Let's see how well that serves you.
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V is currently not within your sight as you enter the part. But given the fact that many people are scattered around the area, deep in their various endeavors, it shouldn't be that hard to ask someone.
<Crazy_Joe> "Addie, find Ms. V and have her meet me back at the car."
<Leon_the_DM> Addie nods, heading off the find where she might have gone off to. The question is, what are YOU going to do in the meantime?
* Crazy_Joe keeps marching up to the park map.  Distance between himself and the big tent?
<Leon_the_DM> 150 feet. You've made your way decently far into the park as it stands already.
<Leon_the_DM> Roll acro
<Crazy_Joe> !Roll 1d20-1
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=1 ] | {0}
<Leon_the_DM> ... Whelp.
<Leon_the_DM> As you begin to make your way towards the tent, a tremble shakes the ground, knocking you off of your feet and directly face-first onto the ground. Your vision blurs, and for a moment, you lose consciousness.
* Crazy_Joe forces himself back up.  There's no time for sleep.
<Leon_the_DM> You wake up to even more smaller tremblings within the Earth, each getting progressively more violent than the last.
<Crazy_Joe> There's no time for anything.
* Crazy_Joe grabs a random person and shoves the first of the three skulls into their hands.
<Leon_the_DM> "Wha-!"
<Leon_the_DM> "What is this thing?"
<Crazy_Joe> "Get this into the tent and destroy it.  I need as many people as physically possible inside that structure within the hour.  CLEAR!?"
<Leon_the_DM> The man nervously agrees, racing off towards it to complete your request.
<Leon_the_DM> In the distance, you can see Addie running towrds you with Ms. V in tow.
<Crazy_Joe> He points to the parking lot and breaks into another run of his own.
<Leon_the_DM> Roll athletics to sprint.
<Crazy_Joe> !Roll 1d20
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20 --> [ 1d20=11 ] | {11}
<Leon_the_DM> You manage to make it to the car without too much issue, but you really should invest in some more time doing some cardio.
<Crazy_Joe> Time's always the problem, isn't it?
<Crazy_Joe> But he doesn't want this car.
<Crazy_Joe> Joe pushes the second skull into the driver's face.  "Floor it to the space needle, and break this when you're on the top floor.  Got it?"
<Leon_the_DM> "On it, boss man."
<Crazy_Joe> What's the fastest car in this parking lot?
<Leon_the_DM> He races off as fast as he can press the pedals with his giant clown shoes..
<Leon_the_DM> Well, there's a Ferrari in the parking lot. But you would have to hotwire it.
<Leon_the_DM> I think we remember what happened last time you tried that.
<Crazy_Joe> There's no time for anything else.
<Crazy_Joe> !Roll 1d20+4 Engineering
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20+4 --> [ 1d20=7 ] | {11}
<Leon_the_DM> Doesn't seem to work. Try again.
* Crazy_Joe opens the Reader's Best Friend.  "Hotwiring instructions."
<Leon_the_DM> Writing appears to cover the page. The only one you can make out is as  follows: "THIS ISN'T ENTERTAINMENT ASSHOLE!"
<Crazy_Joe> "I DON'T CARE!"
<Leon_the_DM> It looks like you have pushed the limits of what a book intended for reading pleasure will allow you to abuse for blatant powergaming.
* Crazy_Joe throws it into the backseat.  He'll do it himself.
<Crazy_Joe> !Roll 1d20+4
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20+4 --> [ 1d20=1 ] | {5}
<Leon_the_DM> ... And the engine has started to steam.
<Crazy_Joe> Second fastest car in the lot.
<Leon_the_DM> "Oh my GOG Joseph! Do I have to do everything MYSELF?!"
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V gets out of the car and begins to work on the engine.
<Leon_the_DM> !Roll 1d20+15
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20+15 --> [ 1d20=20 ] | {35}
<Leon_the_DM> ... By some miracle ordained by what could potentially be the heavens themselves, the car almost magically pieces itself back together, starts itself, and even somehow has a full tank of gas.
* Crazy_Joe slides to the passenger's seat.
<Crazy_Joe> "My house.  Now."
<Leon_the_DM> Addie gets in the back, with Ms. V taking the drivers seat. Right after slapping you for taking that tone with her.
<Crazy_Joe> Surviveable.
<Leon_the_DM> "Don't get an attitude with me, especially now. Regardless, get your seatbelts on. I don't want you flying out of the windshield for some of the turns we'll have to make."
* Crazy_Joe nods and obeys.  It doesn't do to disrespect Ms. V, even during the end of the world.
<Crazy_Joe> "Cassie, or Aeron, or any of you who are listening.  If there's a speck of grist left in Refuge's reserves, then there's going to be a shovel and a demolition charge waiting for me when I get home."
<Leon_the_DM> No. No it doesn't. Addie wordlessly obeys, her seatbelt immediately being buckled upon her saying that.
<Leon_the_DM> You don't hear any response.
<Leon_the_DM> Hopefully it's one of them racing to get what you asked out of them.
<Crazy_Joe> On the trip, Joe starts messaging those emails he gathered up.  Just in case.
<Leon_the_DM> You have gathered a collection of about 5 emails so far.
<Crazy_Joe> It'll have to be enough.
<Leon_the_DM> Turns out that rich people usually don't give out their information online.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: I have no idea if you're going to read this, but if so then I need your help.  As you've noticed, the world is ending, much like Taco Tuesday at midnight.  I have a way to save some people, though, and I need your help to do it.  Whether you believe me or not, what I need you to do is to buy up as much land as you can, but buy it in my name.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: That's "Joseph Locke".
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Anywhere that counts as my home is apparently off-limits to the meteors.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: So if you can do populated areas, that would be best.
<Leon_the_DM> Out of the 5 emails, only one responds.
<Leon_the_DM> SS: Why should I believe a word you say? Who do you think you are, anyways?
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Because otherwise you die without even trying.
<Leon_the_DM> SS: Better than dying a fool.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: And also, Joseph Locke.  I just said that.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: You can call me Crazy Joe.
<Leon_the_DM> SS: I don't care. I am safe already, of course. I ahve no reason to comply with your request.
<Leon_the_DM> SS: Besides
<Leon_the_DM> SS: Who would even be selling land right now anyways?
<Crazy_Joe> transhumanistShellfire [TS] ceased pestering [SS]
<Crazy_Joe> transhumanistShellfire [TS] began pestering transhumanistShellfire [TS]
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Hackerman, status?
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Not good. I tried hacking into the cell phone towers...
<Leon_the_DM> TS: But they're all down!
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Only the internet seems to be working as of now, and I can't send out texts or phone calls!
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Not even my elite, unmatched hacking skills can compensate for failed hardware
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Satellites?
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Best guess?
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Meteors got them.
* Crazy_Joe closes his eyes and thinks.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: You aren't the only one who entered this game. Many others were destroyed before this sequence even BEGAN.
<Crazy_Joe> "Refuge?"
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Man, I don't even know what "Refuge" is
<Leon_the_DM> (Whoops)
<Crazy_Joe> ((Aloud))
<Leon_the_DM> ((Learned that, ignore it))
<Leon_the_DM> No repsonse again.
<Crazy_Joe> "Refuge.  Aeron!"
<Crazy_Joe> "Don't let it go the same way twice, Aeron."
<Leon_the_DM> You know, it's hard to do what you asked when you keep messaging me!
<Leon_the_DM> Looks like he heard you.
<Crazy_Joe> "The first thing can wait.  I need cell phones back online."
<Leon_the_DM> *How on Earth do you think I can do that?
<Leon_the_DM> *I'm a hacker, not an engineer!
<Crazy_Joe> "Then find an engineer.  You have an entire civilization around you."
<Leon_the_DM> *Not an organized one! Not to mention we can't even really access your session in time! You have less than 50 minutes!
<Leon_the_DM> Suddenly, the car swerves to the right, and a loud crash can be heard passing the car.
* Crazy_Joe opens his eyes to look at their surroundings once more.
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "Stay sharp, apparently those meteors are starting to fall!"
<Leon_the_DM> The sky is filled with seemingly infinite numbers of smaller ones, many large ones as well.
* Crazy_Joe nods.  "We'll make it.  You're driving."
<Leon_the_DM> All of them hang suspended in midair. But some of the smaller ones are breaking free, falling and causing small amounts of damage at various places around the city.
<Crazy_Joe> "Aeron, I don't care how you do it.  Just DO IT."
<Leon_the_DM> But not all of them look to be so frozen anymore.
<Leon_the_DM> *You're asking the impossible... What I can do is help you with some scouting information. The clowns did their job. A ton of different houses are connected now, you should tell them to get to saftey.
<Crazy_Joe> "My house is safety.  Supposedly."
* Crazy_Joe turns his attention back to his phone.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: What other options do you have for mass communication?
<Leon_the_DM> *But the Strongman and Addie's brother... They're at some pawn shop near your guardian's old store. I can't see where they went inside,
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Uh... phone notifications? I'm running at a loss man. Make your decision and make it fast, we can't do everything at once.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Notifications work.  Just get a message out.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Some options are going to have to be abandoned to maximize the potential amount of people we can save.
<Crazy_Joe> "Aeron, can you talk to them?"
<Leon_the_DM> TS: It's math.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Morbid, terrible numbers, but math.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: We're running out of time.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Cold equations are still equations, and I've never been good at those.  Just do what you can.
<Leon_the_DM> *I've been trying! I can't see inside of that place, let alone talk to anyone in there!
<Leon_the_DM> *What sort of pawn shop has tinted windows?!?
<Crazy_Joe> "Then find someone who can!  Leave a note for them outside!  I don't care, just do it!  I need them at my house by the time we arrive."
<Leon_the_DM> *Fine, I'll try. But I don't know why they're in there in the first place! Or when they'll even come out!
<Leon_the_DM> *There. What you asked for is at your house.
<Leon_the_DM> *I can't interfere any more. I hope you understand that.
<Crazy_Joe> "No, I don't."
<Leon_the_DM> *I've already pushed far beyond what I should have in this situation.
<Leon_the_DM> *Do you not know the significance of us interfering? If we do too much, that could attract some very bad attention. For both of out groups.
* Crazy_Joe shakes his head.  "Addie, can you look up how property law works?"
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Hackerman, can you add as much money as physically possible into my bank account?
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Uh... Isn't money intrinsically worthless in the apocalypse?
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Not to websites.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: It doesn't if their servers are down!
<Leon_the_DM> TS: But yeah, let me break like 50 laws real quick, brb
<Leon_the_DM> Addie: "Uh... Joe? I'm not exactly well versed... but I can try!"
<Crazy_Joe> "I just need to know how records are kept.  Is there a database somewhere that lists ownership?"
<Leon_the_DM> "Um... What records? I think a lot of different people keep track of who owns what... The government keeps a database, I think."
<Leon_the_DM> More crashes can be heard from outside. Still quite a pause in between... but they're coming down faster.
<Leon_the_DM> Upon a second thought... There's enough meteors in the sky to carpet bomb the entire city.
<Leon_the_DM> Nothing would be left but rubble.
<Crazy_Joe> "Message whatever details you can find to my pesterchum so Hackerman can work on it."
<Leon_the_DM> Addie: "Yeah, okay."
<Crazy_Joe> "Ms. V, how close are we?"
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "Close enough for you to shut your mouth and let me focus on driving!"
<Leon_the_DM> She swerves out of the way of another hole made by a meteor.
<Leon_the_DM> Roll sleight of hand.
<Crazy_Joe> !roll 1d20-1
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20-1 --> [ 1d20=8 ] | {7}
<Leon_the_DM> Roll... Luck.
<Crazy_Joe> !roll 1d20
<Kaiserbot[Dice]> rolled 1d20 --> [ 1d20=14 ] | {14}
<Leon_the_DM> Your phone flies out of your hand, and for a moment, your heart skips a beat. However, it manages to land in the back seat next to Addie, who quickly picks it back up before it can go anywhere.
* Crazy_Joe takes it back
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Addie's sending you the information she can on property laws.  Are you able to change part of them to belong to me?
<Crazy_Joe> TS: I have no idea if that's even how this works.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: But if it's possible for anyone, it would be you.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: What? Like, hack a government server, and say the entirety of the US belongs to you?
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Yes.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: First off, the Government does not own all of the land. Private owners do.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: So even if we did, it's null and void!
<Crazy_Joe> TS: What about governments that do own the land?
* Crazy_Joe checks the time remaining.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Other countries???
<Leon_the_DM> 35 minutes.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: Yes.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Okay, look. I might be the world's greatest hacker, but even I have my limits.
<Leon_the_DM> TS: WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
<Crazy_Joe> TS: I KNOW THAT!
<Leon_the_DM> TS: Think of something more realistic!
<Crazy_Joe> TS: There isn't a thing about this that's realistic.
<Leon_the_DM> Gunshots can be heard outside your car window, but not ones aimed at you.
<Crazy_Joe> "Ms. V, detour.  Do you know the pawn shop near your store?"
<Leon_the_DM> There seems to be a firefight going on between groups of thugs and looters, and they all are blocking your path."
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "As much as I'd like to say yes..."
<Leon_the_DM> Everyone outside seems to be taking notice of the really nice-looking car you all are driving.
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "I think we need to be more concerned with what's directly outside us right now."
<Crazy_Joe> "You're the one in the giant metal machine with the pedal on the floor.  They should be concerned with you."
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "Not when they have guns aimed at our car... and the exit blocked off."
<Crazy_Joe> "By?"
<Leon_the_DM> Scattered ruins definitely unable to be crossed in a car lay directly ahead of you. Destroyed cars, blown out chunks in the road...
<Leon_the_DM> And a few people lying down for some reason.
<Leon_the_DM> They don't seem to be moving.
<Crazy_Joe> "Go around?"
<Leon_the_DM> All of the groups have stopped fighting, and began circling the car just a moment prior to you saying that.
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "... Are you ready for a fight, Joseph?"
* Crazy_Joe nods slowly, and loads Titania for the first time since he bought her.
<Leon_the_DM> A tense moment passes, and as soon as the first person moves in to attack the car...
<Leon_the_DM> They are immediately met with a blow to the head from a baseball bat wielded by a familiar-looking ruffian that you swear you've seen before.
<Crazy_Joe> "I was afraid we wouldn't find you," Joe grins.
<Leon_the_DM> "Yeah, well get your ass out of here. Things are going to get messy. Any place we need to meet up?"
<Leon_the_DM> The 3 other ruffians are engaging the gang members in the street, clearing a path for you lot to turn around and take another route.
* Crazy_Joe relays his address.  "Thirty minutes."
<Leon_the_DM> "Good. Now get out of here, we'll be there. I assume you don't mind if we try to round up some survivors while we're out?"
<Crazy_Joe> "I'll give you two gift cards if you do."
<Crazy_Joe> "Ms. V, the pawn shop.  Please."
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "About time you asked nicely."
<Crazy_Joe> "I'm sorry.  I got stressed out."
<Leon_the_DM> She spins out the tires into a 180, and races off towards your destination.
<Crazy_Joe> "Addie, can you message your brother for me?"
<Leon_the_DM> Addie: "Sure... What for?"
<Crazy_Joe> "Tell him and the strongman to get outside, and to bring the owner of the shop they're in."
<Leon_the_DM> Turns out, you don't have to. As you pass by, you can see the two of them waiting outside of the shop with a disc in the Strongman's hands.
* Crazy_Joe hops out and jabs a thumb over his shoulder.  "Get in."
<Leon_the_DM> The two of them squeeze in next to addie, who is kinda smooshed against the window, with Strongman sitting in the middle.
<Leon_the_DM> Stronkman: "We found some sort of SECURITY footage! But we had no time to watch it!"
* Crazy_Joe nods at that, and goes into the store to find the owner.  "Come with me if you want to live."
<Leon_the_DM> He is nowhere to be found. And the store is largely abandoned to begin with.
<Crazy_Joe> "... That works."
* Crazy_Joe goes back to the car.  "Home now, please."
<Crazy_Joe> Time?
<Leon_the_DM> 20 minutes left.
<Leon_the_DM> You really need to hurry.
<Crazy_Joe> "Ms. V, please take us home.  In the meantime, what did you two find?"
<Leon_the_DM> Addie's shitbag of a bro: "Nothing. The place looked... Abandoned. It wasn't that way before."
* Crazy_Joe looks to the strongman for confirmation
<Leon_the_DM> You get a very MANLY nod.
<Crazy_Joe> "And the disc?"
<Leon_the_DM> He hands it to you gingerly.
<Leon_the_DM> Stronkman: "Be careful. It does not seem to be made for GOOD folks to watch."
<Crazy_Joe> "What does that mean?"
<Leon_the_DM> Stronkman: "The place seemed... EVIL. As if something were not quite RIGHT with it."
<Crazy_Joe> "Uh... huh."
* Crazy_Joe captchalogues the disc for later.
<Crazy_Joe> "Ms. V, how close are we?"
<Leon_the_DM> She slams on the breaks, hitting your head against the windshield for 2 more damage.
<Crazy_Joe> "Gotcha."
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "Close enough for you to shut up and get out of the car, we don't have time for this tomfoolery!"
* Crazy_Joe exits and looks for a shovel and bomb.
<Leon_the_DM> Right in your front porch.
<Leon_the_DM> Convenient.
* Crazy_Joe snatches them up on the way in.
<Crazy_Joe> "Hackerman!  Progress!?"
<Leon_the_DM> *faintly* WORKING ON IT!
<Crazy_Joe> "Fifteen minutes!"
<Leon_the_DM> WORKING ON IT!!!!!!!!
* Crazy_Joe leads his team into the basement.  Peter's room.
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "So... what n-"
<Leon_the_DM> A giant rumbling shakes the Earth, making the lights in your house flicker violently.
* Crazy_Joe ignores it.  "The machine with the platform and the arm.  I need that down here.  Can you do it?"  He looks at the strongman in particular, but also at Ms. V.
<Leon_the_DM> The first large meteor has hit.
<Leon_the_DM> Strongman: "YES! But... Why?"
<Crazy_Joe> "Because of this."
* Crazy_Joe sticks the demolition charge to the wall farthest from the rest of the house, angled down and away.
<Crazy_Joe> "Connecting buildings?  Might work."
<Crazy_Joe> "Expanding one?  Might be worth a shot too."
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "Joseph... You could DESTROY the house."
<Crazy_Joe> "Then I need you to make sure that won't happen."
<Crazy_Joe> "You're good with weapons, right?"
<Leon_the_DM> She sighs.
<Crazy_Joe> "I need your help."
<Leon_the_DM> Ms. V: "If we die, I will haunt you in the afterlife for the rest of eternity."
<Leon_the_DM> She gets to work on doing what you ask.
<Crazy_Joe> "If we die, I'll haunt myself."
* Crazy_Joe leaves her and the strongman to their respective tasks and goes back upstairs and outside to the middle of the street.  Time?
<Leon_the_DM> 10 minutes.
<Leon_the_DM> More and more meteors are beginning to rain down on the city.
<Crazy_Joe> Are there any craters in the road nearby?
<Leon_the_DM> In the distance, you can see 3 people in rather large shoes running across rooftops.
<Leon_the_DM> And yeah, quite a few. You are lucky you got there when you did.
* Crazy_Joe drops the third and final skull into the largest of them, then covers it with a chunk of ruined asphalt.
<Leon_the_DM> *... What are you doing?
<Crazy_Joe> "Each one saves a place."
<Crazy_Joe> "I'm cheating."
<Leon_the_DM> *There's only so much you can powergame... You do know that it will likely just save the road, right? The street, not even the houses.
<Crazy_Joe> "The roads extend to a lot of places."
* Spectator[Matt] has quit (Quit: http://www.kiwiirc.com/ - A hand crafted IRC client)
<Leon_the_DM> *But not that road in particular. There are intersections!
<Leon_the_DM> *Sigh. Are you really going to do this?