Real Talk

This was kind of stream of consciousness ranting, so if you can follow, dear reader, neat.

I made a post some time ago saying I need to improve my attitude when speedrunning.

I've failed so far.

That needs to change.

Fundamentally, it's easy.  Don't worry so much about time, worry about fun.  But that kind of counteracts what speedrunning as a term means (in my opinion, I have to stress that out before there's some bullshit philosophical argument about what speedrunning should mean).  Play the game as fast as possible, within whatever rules are established.

It's still a video game.  Video games are supposed to be fun, no matter what the circumstances are.

My attitude MUST change.  Getting mad or frustrated if things go south is *okay*.  Getting mad or frustrated because things aren't perfect is *not okay*.

I'm sarcastic, yet bubbly.  Very outgoing for the most part.  My interaction with people in general REEKS of sarcasm.  Most people can figure it out.  Some people don't, and to them, you suck, get a better sarcasm detector.  But the lines blur when I get mad at a game.  That sarcasm that might be obvious because of a smirk, or a snort, or a giggle, or a cackle... that might not be so obvious anymore because I'm seething.  That's very off-putting.

I don't want to be off-putting.  The chat, the stream, Keizaron... it should be welcoming, entertaining, friendly, and most of all, should not be some silly clique.

So many people in my chat, to be perfectly honest, are people who just can't cut it in other chats.  They get banned quickly, or they aren't welcome.  So it boggles my mind that we (yes, we, that includes me) turn around and do that to other people.  How the fuck are we better?

Memes will always happen.  I didn't purchase memebig.net for no reason.  But sometimes, memes can go too far.  Sometimes, it isn't a meme, it's just straight up venom, inappropriateness, so on.  I want the venom to stop.  I want the inappropriateness to cool the fuck down.  It's so off-putting hearing about a stranger's sex life, hearing about how drunk or high you are all the time, hearing about how some dude you don't like is some giant asshole, hearing one streamer is better/worse than another (this is not nearly as egregious as the stuff listed before but it's still shitty, come on).  We're as much of a geek/nerd as the next person, give me a break.

Be neighbourly.  But give 'em a ribbing for not having enough sugar.  Who even asks for a cup of sugar anymore?

On a different topic, I want to expand into some other projects.  I want to make some videos on YouTube again.  Not gaming content, though.  Just some vlog type shit, some real talk things.  Maybe a really bad advice column, that sounds fun.  I also want to look into a way to balance speedrunning on my stream while also doing other things.  I definitely want to try and utilize IRL streaming for certain things, like wrestling PPVs and some other things.  See if maybe I can stream the vlog type shit for a real time experience then edit it down to a bite-sized YouTube video?

I also want to research doing a project with Game Boy games.  I mentioned it before, where I'd play every Game Boy game made.  I'm so god damn picky that I want to make sure I can do it all on console and not emulator.  There's a lot in terms of logistics I'd have to look into.  How would I balance it with my current streaming?  Do I try to play through everything as fast as possible to double up?  Do I include Game Boy Color games, or make that a potential project in the future?  I'm completely clueless as to how I should approach this.

Talking about projects gets me super excited.  I just wish that people I knew IRL could understand that excitement, that passion.  This is an awful example to use, but I feel like I'm "in the closet" about what I do to a lot of people, especially my family.  A lot of people I used to work with think I left to pursue something in social media.  Most of my family either still thinks I work for the company I quit, or they have been polite enough to not bring up the subject.  It isn't something I can really talk about to a lot of people in person, though.  The people that DO know, mostly don't get it.  They don't get that I put in more hours than I ever have at any other job, that this is constant, a fight for survival.  They think it's just sitting around on my ass all day doing nothing.  Maybe 4 or 5 people actually get it, or if they don't get it, appreciate the effort.  Sometimes I feel like the people closest to me don't truly understand, though.

Streaming is still super scary.  It's a real thing to fear and respect the numbers you see.  Am I going to get a three digit viewer count today, or a two?  Am I going to make $500 this month, or $1500?  Will I ever improve these numbers?  How can I improve these numbers?  And then there's the smaller things (which aren't small in actuality as a streamer but in comparison, they totally are); is my layout okay?  Video quality?  Sound?  Is internet cooperative?  Can I budget any upgrades or gimmicks to improve the stream, or is this a tight month?

For the first time in a while, I'm nervous about streaming.  Not because I'm in a bad place financially (though I would like to be much better off; who wouldn't?), but because I'm going to be SO BROKE soon.  I'm going to RPGLB in May, going to my sister's graduation in June, then going to SGDQ in July.  Travelling from the west coast is so stupid expensive that all of this is costing me way more than I feel I can actually spend.  I can only hope that, from a business standpoint, the returns are greater.

I wish my sister understood what I'm ranting about.  I'd probably rant to her instead of rant on a pastebin, sharing it on social media, and hoping to get some sort of validation, encouragement, or fair criticism.  But alas, here I am.  And here I go.

Time to hope I'm tired enough to sleep so I can try and be responsible and follow a schedule I've failed to follow for 3 months.

Good luck, Steven.