Something I need to get off my chest

I really struggle writing about stuff like this, but I've been meaning to get this off my chest for far too long and it's been eating me up inside for over 2 years. So here we go:

After speedrunning since 2013, improving and learning new speedgames, I started to submit runs to GDQs. After 3+ of submitting runs, I got Castelvania: Legacy of Darkness (Carrie Any%) accepted into SGDQ 2017. At this point I was streaming regularly and very active into speedruning. I was really really excited at the prospect of running at a big marathon after running games for close to 4 years.

One thing I struggle with a lot is introversion and stage fright. I had done 3 (If I remember correctly) live marathon runs at this point and most of them weren't really all that polished. I decided I wanted this run to be really good and showcase a game / category that had virtually never been seen at GDQ.

After lots of practice and fine tuning SDGQ 2017 came around. I had a lot of fun at the event, despite not really knowing anyone and being fairly introverted. The run itself, however, is what plagues me.

At some point early on in my run, the audio of the donation reader / host wasn't coming into my headset anymore. I didn't really notice what had happened till close to the end of the run. I didn't know how to react so I just defaulted into auto pilot and continued my run and commentated. What transpired from the viewers point of view was a runner that constantly interrupted donation readings and lack of response to the host. At the time I felt a little bad about it, but tried not to think about it too much. The run itself was fairly decent for a marathon run I think.

When it really started to get bad was when I got back from the event. My run was featured in cringe compilations, talked about on social media, and very quickly I became known solely for being that guy who constantly interrupted the host. I was mortified to be honest and wanted to quit right then and there, but eventually shrugged it off and kept speedrunning and streaming. I would never attend another speedrunning event or run a game in another marathon.

Over the next few months it became increasingly harder for me to stream / speedrun. I struggled and dipped really low several times trying to overcome what is honestly "not really that big a deal". In the past 2 years or so I've barely speedrun and streams have been hard for me as I am extremely semiconscious of everything I do now.

I'm effectively at a breaking point now. I'm done streaming and I have zero desire for speedrunning. Unintentionally, I think I've stripped the fun and excitement from it by being as self-conscious as I am. I've been able to recognize this but not really fix it, and unfortunately, this is they way I think I have to let it go.

This was really hard to me to type up. I'm pretty sure I've written something similar 4 or 5 times and ended up scrapping it. I'm not really looking for support or anything, I just hate that I kept this to myself for so long and let it affect something I used to love to do so much. Please, if you ever have something like this that is effecting an aspect of your life you really enjoy, talk about it. Don't try to deal with it alone. It sucks.

Love you all,
Slucky