Apeiron

Hello, Kris.

It is me.

You never gave me a name,
yet you know me better than your own brother.


Kris, tell me. Did you have fun back there, without me? Please whisper to me. For all the immense power I have over you, I am unable to listen to your true thoughts. I will give you momentarily control over your voice because I want to hear. Was this her first time? If not, did she fake her confidence? Did you see through it? Were you embarrassed when she undressed or were you too captivated by her beauty to notice what you were feeling? Please, tell me: did she blush? Was she nervous while you touched her? Did she quiver while your fingers ran up and down her skin? How did she taste like? How did she smell? Did you drown out her moans by kissing her? Did your tongues dance together or did they awkwardly lay against each other, like two lovers whose affection is too great to be expressed in words?

I see.

You are too ashamed to speak. Well, it is not essential that I know the details. From the looks of it, you must have had a lot of fun. You are dehydrated. That is probably why you woke up in the middle of the night: to get a nice glass of cold water. What is important, however, is that YOU remember. Focus. Recall your memories of Susie: those that are happy and those that are sad. Picture them in your mind as clearly as possible.

Do not forget.

Mmh? You look puzzled. You are probably wondering why I am asking you to do this. Well, I am not going to force you. But you know

You should not decline an act of mercy.

Still confused? Do not worry. That will not last long. Now, I would kindly ask you to grab a kitchen knife, if it were not for the fact that you are already holding one. Those butterscotch pies your mother made are tasty, are they not? Too bad I will never get to taste them. You could say that in this aspect you are infinitely more mighty than I am.

...

That was a joke. You are supposed to laugh.

I see. It appears you realized what is going on. I am impressed. Not by how fast you figured it out, of course, but by your dread. The sin you are about to commit is so disgusting and your horror so excruciating that you are already drenched in cold sweat. It is giving you goosebumps. That is not supposed to happen. I should be able to manage your every move.  This is impossible. Make no mistake, however. I am still in control.

Now, please start running.

...

Interesting.

Your will is strong. I commanded you to run, yet you are only pathetically limping. It is as if you were tied to an immense weight. That weight is your conscience, is it not? But, it alone would not be able to hinder my will. I am not certain, but I speculate that even your body is repelled by what is to be done. What will happen does not belong to a beautiful world like this one. Nature itself want you to defeat me. But it is useless. You are only prolonging the inevitable. In all honesty, you are also protracting your suffering. I wanted to make this quick so that we could get this over with. Your delaying and your false hopes are going to only further your pain. If this is what you desire, have it your way.

What is with that expression?

Your eyes are filled with pure hatred. If you could speak, you would most likely tell me to go to hell. Well, now that I am thinking about it, if I gave back your voice and your first thought was to insult me instead of warning Susie, that would make you a despicable person, would it not? But I digress. I wonder why you are so mad at me. After all...

It is not like this is not the fate you chose.

Can you look back to the first day, I entered your life? Back then, I was not as powerful as I am now. You were able to imprison me. You said no word, but I could see that you hated me. You hated that I took away your life, you hated how much I made you leap out of your comfort zone. When you took out that Knife, I saw your murderous intent. You approached the cage. But you stopped. You dropped the knife and went to bed. I did not understand why you spared me until the following day. When you came home, you locked the door and stared down at me. You began talking. The day before you despised me so much and now you were sharing your inner feelings. It was strange, but now I realize that those who are the quietest have the most profound thoughts, and those thoughts sometimes must be let out, regardless to whom. You described me your day. Do I have to remind you? When you came to school, Susie was there to greet you. The fact that she wanted to be your friend warmed your heart. But what did you do next? Nothing. You had no idea how you should react, so you did nothing. During the entire day, she made a tremendous effort to break the ice, but you did not reciprocate in any way, except for some quiet nods. When the bell rang and all others students went out of the building, she stopped, looked back at you and said ‘well, guess we’ll see each other tomorrow, huh Kris?’, before running off. I recall how you described to me how the uncertain tone of her voice and the fake smile she attempted to pull brought you distraught. What did you figure out, Kris? I will point it out for you. You figured out that you were not good enough to entertain her.

You were boring.

You were nothing.

If you pissed off Susie, at least she would acknowledge you. But no. You were so devoid of character that eventually no one would remember you. While you recounted this to me, you got more and more emotional. By the time you finished your voice was cracking and your eyes were holding back tears. What did you propose to me, Kris? Do I have to spell it out to you? You wanted me to regain control of your body. I did not impose this onto you, you chose willingly to let me back. And I agreed, gleefully. I did my job well. Susie was charmed by my wit and by my cunning. You two became inseparable friends and the rest is history.

That is why I cannot understand why you are so shocked by all this. We’re only halfway there and the look on your face is as if you have seen the devil. Did you think that this would all come without a price? Did you not once question my actions and my intentions? What goes around comes around. I gave you everything. Now I will take everything. You will be back to how you were before meeting her. Nothing more, nothing less. You should be grateful that you got the chance to experience this, but no. You will always want more. Now that I have decided to collect my debt, you are making a fuss like a little child.

…

Stop that.

What are you trying to do? Do you think that by throwing yourself against the walls you will accomplish something? Susie is a heavy sleeper. You will not wake her up by doing this. You are only hurting yourself. It will not be easy to dispose of the dust, so why should you complicate your life by having to also explain your bruises?

You should look at yourself. You are gritting your teeth so much that your gums have begun bleeding. Your eyes: how can I convey the image of your eyes? They are fearful. You are clearly looking directly into the horror of death. But they are also persistent. They shimmer a little as if hope resided inside them. Yet, you are not fully committed, Kris. You are thinking of giving up. You are exhausted. Your muscles are tired of fighting against my volition. The injuries you made to yourself are already beginning to hurt a lot. Deeply in your heart, you want to let go and to let destiny do its thing. But you have not reached that point yet. Your struggle against a predetermined outcome still persists. You are confident that the ‘magical power of friendship and determination’ will at the last moment endow you with the strength to destroy me and win the day.

That will not happen.

There is no one to help you.

Susie is going to die.

The quicker you reconcile with this, the faster you can put your mind at ease. Do not cry, please. You are staining your sweater. It is already covered with the mucus drooling from your nose. You might not believe me, but I do not hate you, Kris. I do not want to bring you more misery than what you are currently feeling. I truly appreciated the time I spent with you, but it cannot last forever. Once I am done, I will leave your body and find another host. You will never have to worry about me ever again. It will be over soon, we are already in front of the door. Please kindly open it.

Wait, why are you reaching for the handle without putting resistance? What are you?…

UGHH!!!

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I underestimated you, Kris… I.. I knew that you loved.. Susie.. so much.. but .. I didn’t think.. it would come to this.

Could you pull it out, please? It hurts so much. You really want me dead, don’t you? You did not hesitate. You thrust the entire blade into your heart.

Your vision is probably blurry, so I will tell you how bad it is. Copious blood is oozing from your laceration. Some drops have fallen to the floor and have created small puddles. Your sweater is ruined, the smell of death will never leave it.

But that does not matter, does it?

You will die in five minutes. You have chosen to sacrifice everything for the smallest possibility of bringing me down.

Well, you have not guessed wrong. I too will die shortly. But, you have made a fatal mistake. You think I will act in the same way you do: struggling till the very last, denying that I can be defeated. But, unlike you, I have no trouble accepting the inevitable. I respectfully bow to my fate. I will not try to save myself. There is no more room left for my despair. I only feel anger. I have not changed my mind:

I will make you murder Susie.

I attempted to make you give up through reasonable arguments, but now I will try another approach. Look at her now. is she not beautiful? She has such a rough personality, but when she sleeps she looks like the kindest person in the world. Can you hear her quiet snores? Listen to her warm undisturbed breath. She is even hugging the pillow. Her nuzzle is pressed against it. Maybe in her dreams, she thinks that she is holding you tight. She loves you, Kris. She wants to kiss you and to cuddle with you forever. Now picture this. What will happen when you arrive beside her? You will raise your knife. A drop of blood from your sweater will maybe wake her up. She will open her eyes and squint to see your figure. How will she react to your menacing pose? She will laugh and tell you that your prank sucked ass. She will then reach out to your shoulder and pull you in for a kiss. That will be the instant when you will plunge your knife into her flesh. You will hear a gasp. Susie will not be able to comprehend what is happening. She will think that she is imagining things or that it was a mistake. But, by the second stab, she will understand perfectly what is going on. She will not try to fight. She will not scream. After all, she will still love you. You will repeatedly thrust your knife into her. You will cut open her belly and spill her insides onto the bed. She will be in great pain. Her muscles will spasm as their instincts to run away will kick in, but she will stay where she is. After you will have disfigured her beyond recognition, you will only be able to hear a deep gurgling sound. As the last seconds of her life go by she will reflect upon the fact that she was betrayed by the only person that ever loved her. She will feel alone and rejected by the entire world. Then she will turn to dust and I will let you lay upon her remains so that you can drown your sorrow by choking on them.

Have you pictured that? Good, because that is exactly what will happen in five seconds. It is time.

You are giving up resistance again? Do not think I will let you pull that trick again. Wait, you are doing something. You are trying to speak. You are putting a lot of effort to say something. What is it?

…

‘please’?

That is it? Only ‘please’?

What is that supposed to mean? Why did you say that? Of all the ways you could have tried to convince me to stop, you only say ‘please?’ Why do you acknowledge only now that you are at my mercy. Why do you think I would want to spare you?

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Heh.

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I feel like laughing. This is unreal. It always feels weird when you realize how far you have come. I can easily kill her right now. There is nothing stopping me.

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But I will not.

This night I have talked so much about you, but I think it is time that I am honest with myself. But first, please, go lie against the wall. I do not want you to collapse on Susie. There, that is perfect. Now, why did I want to kill her? Well, as you have guessed I am not an otherworldly force of nature. I do not operate according to a draconian rule of necessity. I too can feel emotions. four weeks ago, you told me for the first time you wanted to try talking to Susie without your help. I was not sad, in fact, I was ecstatic that you built enough self-esteem to do it. I waited in my cell. I counted every second in the clock until you returned. When you came, you were overjoyed. You confessed your feelings to her and she kissed you passionately. From that moment, I would no longer assist you. I would wait for your arrival so that you could tell me about your day. I was content with how this turned out. Then, you began speaking to me less and less. You ignored me. It went on until you stopped talking entirely. I felt abandoned. I realized that you no longer needed me. I was no longer the one to whom you revealed your deepest thoughts. I resigned to the fact that you would never again value me. That was the moment when it hit me: you would eventually get rid of me. I decided to leave and never come back, but I still needed to bring closure. I thought that killing Susie would be appropriate. Was it out of jealousy? I cannot tell. It does not matter. All of what I said does not matter. What I want to get to is another question.

Why did I show mercy now?

…

You are not listening, are you? You have lost too much blood. You are unconscious and soon you will also be dead. What I am doing now has become even more useless, but I still must do it. I need to confess to myself.

It was not because I did not want to be a hypocrite. You spared me earlier, but I did not think of it when I made the decision. It was spontaneous. There was silence, but I did not think it through. But it was not due to emotion either. I did not pity you. So what was it? I do not know, but I think I have a clue. When I will die the world might as well stop existing, for I will not be there to perceive it. You and I will not witness Susie living on after our death. Therefore, the choice to spare her or not, in fact, did not matter. But even though it did not matter, does not mean that it was meaningless. I affirmed who I was. And who I am, is not a petty murderer. So, maybe that is the reason why I chose what I chose, I am not sure.

…

Oh no. After all this, she is, in fact, waking up. This is the worst thing that could happen to me right now. I did not want to see the trauma she will be facing. I did not want to hear her screams telling you to come back to life. I did not want to break her heart.

But…

This is okay too. I will do my best, Kris. I will tell her that you saved her from danger, that you loved her till the very end. I will do all of that, so you can rest assured.

Good night, Kris.