3-word story

Juan was once afraid of other boys named Juan. A cowardly duck once told him that he might have a rare Club Penguin account. Juan was shocked because he saw a banana phone fall down to the very last floor of his. And that's why you exist, kids, and why you need to be giant evil robots, or else you'll die by cheese and be unable to breathe or eat pizza and drink soda, except when he is doing what Pancho did. Later that day, Juan met Pancho, which resulted in Juan confessing that he is Batman, and Pancho confessed that he is Spider-Man, because reasons. Spider-Man and Batman decided to go and stop the evil with a huge machine gun-thing, but it exploded, so the evil, bad guy suddenly began creating evil penguins who began to terrorize the other Juan-boys. Percent Fingers Duuuuuuddeeee began destroying cities, but Duuuuuuddeeee said "Let's conquer the Earth, mah boi. This is indeed Sparta!"
He kicked Percent Fingers into the evil penguin's butt. Triumphant-Duuuuuuddeeee decided to just impode.
That the British Earl Grey tea is coming to eat your pizza and steal your family jewels. "I NEED THOSE!" Soon Batman came, along with Spider-Man, to stop him from eating pizza laced with cyanide, and stealing your precious family jewels, which you need to power up into Super Saiyan so you can use your special Earl Grey tea.
"However, it is too late to apologize," I said.
So I kicked Kiloz because he looked like me, but then he stared at me for eight minutes, and then I ate the sandwich, realizing it was delicious and nutritious and full of worms that are healthy for your inner muscly arms. Juan wanted muscular arms. Juan mowed lawns and dog crap that was stinky, but needed to snap crowbars in because it was really evil and had a giant rose because science and stuff. Once upon a small felt blanket, a little boy ate his mother's favourite ceramic vase of giant evil Bop It toys. Then he went downstairs to the old smelly basement to have some apple pie with applejack and Santa, but then the applejack ate the boy who stole his green, glowing knapsack and proceeded to steal all Christmas versions of Toy Story, and also, the huge, colossal, giant apocalypse created by the God of large, squishy ducks. And that's why you must worship Satan, who is fat and lazy.