Thread 82: Stories 16-30

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>Rarity
"SB"
'???'
~~~~~

>Sweetie Belle! Did you really try to use that poor dear in such a ghastly manner!?

"Er..."

>What would mother say if she knew you were using a friend to fake your age to get into places you should not be!?

"..."

~~~~

'Remember, always be two steps more sober than you act, that way you can be two steps ahead if things go south. Also remember, if it's worth it, it's worth wrapping. If it can't be wrapped quickly, it's not worth waiting for. If there's nothing there, don't go for it. Plenty more chances, darling! You especially will never have a shortage, trust me! Oh! And don't drink more than you think you can drink, so keep thinking, and when you can't think don't drink. Oh! And if you get caught with a fake, just roll over, they can't prosecute a minor. There's ways out of everything if you know what to say!'

~~~

>Well!?

"...I heard you were, like, a superhero Rarity! That is so awesome!"

>Oh, well, yes, but-

"Tell me about it, pleeeease? Please please pleeease? I wanna hear all about how awesome you were!"

>...Well, there were at least fifty of them.

"WOW!"

>And I kung fu kicked them right in the chest! Oh! And THEN I...

"...Mom was right..."

>What was that?

"Mom was right, you ARE more awesome than me!"

>Oh, Sweetie, don't get so down on yourself! You're special in your own, different way! Now, as I was saying...

"...can't wait to figure out what the rest of that stuff meant, this advice is super useful when the situation comes up!"

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>Twilight
"Pommel"
'Discord'

>So the giant evil squid monster-

"Red."

>Red, right, has somehow reformed himself from a piece of code, which was culled from a SECOND HAND MEMORY for my bestiary program. And somehow he has manifested reality altering abilities from his digital fortress resutling in paper versions of Cordyceps.

"We call them Copyceps."

>...really?

"They amazingly quite harmless."

>Look, you're not an idiot...I think.

"You think?"

>Well you DID charge Chitania on a hoverbike armed only with a mushroom.

"I SWEAR that would've worked if we had aimed right!"

>But why haven't you just deleted it?

"..."

>You thought about deleting it, right?

"It's complicated."

>How is this complicated?

"Uh...okay, so it goes like thi-"

'Oh no you don't!'

Both ponies, guard and Princess, blinked as the god of chaos sprung forth from a nearby puddle of water upside down, brandishing an umbrella to shield him from water that began to rain upwards from his topsy turvy portal.

'This is not something I'm just going to let you relay second hand. Frankly you just kind of stared at me slack-jawed the whole way through my explanation, so I doubt you even began to GRASP the-'

>HIM!? You took your information from him!?

"He seemed like he knew what he was talking about!"

'And I do, dear Twibright, I know all there is to know about that pesky piece of calamari and his siblings. I can relay the entire tale to you right here if you like~.'

"Can you maybe give her the quick version? We might be pressed for time."

'Certainly, I'll give her the fast AND short version!'

With a snap of his fingers, Discord and Twilight disappeared from view...until Pommel began hearing small squeaky voices. Looking down he saw a scale model of his office on the ground, with Discord lecturing Twilight sitting dimbfounded in guard armor at twice the speed of regular speech.

"Yeah, that just kind of figures."

Poof!

'Understand now?'

>Yeah, I get the idea...and I got an idea.

"You do?"

>Follow me, we're going to need three items.

"Which are...?"

>Paper for a script, Primrose, and my old schematics for Shiny's Juggernaut.

"...awesome."

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>Chrysalis
"???"
~~~~

>HAH! BURN! BUUUURRRNNNNN!

Why was she dreaming of setting things on fire?

That was between her and herself, thank you.

>ALL SHALL BE CONSUMED BY MY... Well, that's fucking weird.

Expecting weird things in a dream is the norm. In fact, if weird things didn't happen, Chrysalis mused this whole endeavor would be quite boring. She could set stuff on fire in reality just fine, thank you. She expected the fires to look a little weird.

Parting like the ocean being split by a heavenly force? That's another level entirely.

And when a figure began to step through that parted flames, it took her breath away. A figure shrouded in shadows and smoke, but one she would recognize for the rest of her life.

"You know, it's stuff like this that makes me worry about you."

And that same nag that would also be there for the rest of her life, probably.

>HAH! Ohhhh, what's the matter Shiny? Wanna join in? Check it out!

He 'oofed' she shoved a massive gun into his hooves, and then proceeded to shoot the flames with her own, much larger, one.

No, she did not give a fuck how little sense that made, this was a dream.

"Chrysalis? Can we talk?"

She paused, hurling her gun to the side to give off a spectacular explosion in the process.

>Okay, something's off here. You're in my dreams and you want to talk? Dream-Shiny, you can say words here, but they aren't talking words. They're the other kind of words, get my drift?

"Yeaahhhh... I'm not dream-Shiny."

>...Strange, you look like him. Rear back, I need to take closer measurements.

"I'm not going to do that."

>OH SHIT! You aren't dream Shiny!... how the fuck are you in my brain!?

"I'm not 'in your brain', I'm on the outside of your consciousness. Pretty sure if I went for your brain, I'd get disintegrated or something. As to the 'how', Eighteen. She's pretty damn good at mind stuff."

>Huh... so is she-

"I told her to let me in and then make herself not be here. Private conversation."

>... well, this is disappointing.

"Difference between real me and dream me, I guess. Gotta keep up the illusion."

>Well, TECHNICALLY mind-sex isn't cheating in any legal court.

"I doubt that. There's unicorns with mind powers, someone got cheated on and made a law at some point."

>Pfft.

"But seriously, you, me, private conversation."

>Oh, fiiiiine.

With a wave of her hoof, fire death and destruction went away. Instead replaced with, of all things...

"...My office?"

>Meh, I like it here.

"Why?"

>MESSING UP SHINY'S PAAPPPERS!

"NO! NOT AG-... Oh ha ha."

>I seriously had to see it if you reacted.

"You've conditioned me, I'll admit it."

>Soooo... what did you want to talk about? Some sort of overblown thanks for saving your pearly white keister?

"Do I really have to thank you for that?"

>HAH!

"Didn't think so."

He sighed, stepping around the ghostly fakes of his papers on the floor, before slipping easily into the fake chair behind his fake desk, where Chrysalis remained firmly seated.

"...So, about what happened up there..."

>Which part, specifically? Lots of stuff happened up there.

"You know the part."

>I actually don't, you could mean the 'me almost doing the thing that made me die' thing, the combo attack, or the afterwards with-

"Mostly that... bit of everything else, but mostly that."

>Ahhhh... what's the problem? Not like it's the first time.

"Yeah..."

>Oh, please, you really think I'm going to nearly kill myself again just for-

"Nope. Do not think you are that crazy, and that is saying something."

>So, what's the problem?

"...Was... was it... different?"

The room took on an odd, bluish color, as if the temperature had dropped. The papers on the ground became a little distorted, out of focus like a camera lens on the wrong setting.

>...Do you really want to know?

"I have to know."

>You might not like what you hear.

"I have to hear it anyway."

>You never know, I might lie to you.

"No... you won't."

The room lost focus all around, until only herself and the stallion could be seen clearly.

With a sigh, she laid down on her front, the desk stretching outward to accommodate her new position as she loomed face to face over his worried own.

>...It was a LOT stronger than last time.

"A... lot lot?"

>Let me put it to you this way. In comparison, I'm pretty sure if you had laid that on me back at the airship, I could have skipped home.

"You didn't seem to be in very good condition after this one. Still don't."

>A burnout where it all just slips away is so much less strenuous on the body then firing it out with everything you have, Shiny. Have to take my word on it. Fact I didn't die right away is a fucking miracle.

"So... it was stronger."

>A lot stronger.

"What does that mean, exactly?"

>...I dunno about that one. That ones on you, I'm just as confused as you. Figured you were, like, really trying hard this time or something.

"What did it feel like?"

She mulled over it, rolling air around in her mouth as if savoring the flavor of something that was no longer there, tasting it like a fine chef tastes a dish.

>...Before the wedding.

Finally, the room simply ceased to exist. She hung there, in the air, as if resting on the ghost of the desk that had once been. He sat there, legs dangling as he too rested upon the nothing that could easily support his weight.

"So... this going to change anything between us?"

>Doesn't have to.

"...I dunno about that."

He sighed, head shooting forwards to where the desk had been... and toppling over when, NOW, of all times, it decided that it didn't exist anymore.

>You okay?

"Pretty sure I can't get hurt in a dream."

>I disagree...

The nothingness became awkward as she rolled over in the air, weightless and free.

>Sooooo?

"So this was already confusing enough."

>How so?

"How so is because I was already dealing with the fact my heart was literally breaking every second that giant bitch had Eighteen in her grasp, I was terrified out of my skull when I saw Cadence get hit, and then I felt like my whole world was falling apart when you were about to die. I'm still trying to reel in the fact my wife is letting me and another mare date, and then this comes along."

>Well, excuse me for almost dying.

"It's not your fault... well, okay, kinda your fault, but nothing I can call you on."

>Uh huh...

He looked up, his face making an odd synergy with hers as she continued to look upon him in her upside-down floating way.

"...This is super confusing."

>So, what do you want me to do about it?

"I guess... nothing, just had to know... you know, Cadence is kind of worried I'm going to run out of, er, Sparklejoules."

>......PFFFFFTTAAAAHHAHAHAHAHA!

Even Mane-Iac had NOTHING on that cackle, that was a cackle that could raise the dead, that was a cackle that would make Pinkie reconsider laughter being worthwhile, that was-

Okay, that last one was probably inaccurate.

"I'm serious!"

>HAHAHAHHA!... AHHHA!... HAH!... Hooo... not an issue with you."

"You're sure?"

She smirked.

She smirked in that weird, cocky little way, and she smacked him over the head with everything she had.

>Pfft... deal with the Eighteen shit first, okay?

"...Really?"

>Don't ask, all part of the plan.

"...Really."

>HAH!

"...heh..."

He flicked her on the nose, watching with a bit of mirth as she spun about in the air as if in a zero gravity environment.

"Guess that's all I needed to know, for now."

>HAH! So, as I was saying, nobody can convict you for dreamsex!

"Can't, you need to wake up."

>What? Why?

He faded away, slowly, until only his smile still remained.

"Everyone's waiting for you."

>...Shiny?

"Yeah?"

>Wouldn't mind if some things changed.

He was gone before he could respond.

But the smile was not.

~NOT-MOM WAKE UPPPPPPPPP!~

[TWO! She is trying to recover! Be careful!]

{No no, trust me, this is the only way to get her up.}

=AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! RIIIISSSSSSSE INSECTORIA! RIIIIIIIIISSSSSSEEEE!... Please?=

(At least you added 'please' after ruining her hearing.)

=BE SILENT, AETHERIO!=

(Someone is probably wishing for silence.)

~NOT! MOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!~

[Cadence, a little assistance?]

'Lord no, she punches. She won't punch Two. It's, like, built in.'

^She is quite anti-Punch in regards to her. Not so much me.^

[You're a big target.]

^I KNOW, OKAY! It's large! I get it, it's large! But screw you, I'm not cutting back on the cake!^

The world of dreams finally faded away, no doubt chased off in fear by all the voices as any sane individual would be.

As it fell away, she could see a world just as surreal as the one she had left.

'Finally! You were starting to worry us!'

[Majesty, I'm sorry that I-]

{Save the asskissing for later. Hey, stupid? Stop playing with the bed controls, you hurt yourself.}

=AHHHAHHAHAHAHA! I KNEW YOU WOULD NOT STAY DOOOOOWWWN!... By why isn't she in bandages? She should be wearing bandages.=

(Mane-Iac, for the LAST TIME!)

^We'll get her the colored bandages later, they're... uh... charging.^

=That makes sense!=

So strange, to think she had once had no one at all who would have really cared had she been nearly killed, or killed entirely.

So strange, how much it had changed.

>...So, what's for breakfast?... What, no breakfast? Fine, I'm cooking, get me a pan.

So wonderful to watch them all smack themselves in the face.

'Well, we knew she was going to die someday, this was a way to do it.'

~DON'T WORRY! AH' GOTS THIS!~

She would have laughed.

But the marchmalleys made it hard to do so.

That's alright, she supposed... everyone else had it covered.

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>32
"??"
~~~

>Okay, so, lock up my Embassy this time, NOT leaving the door open in a rush to go confront long dead parental and child units and the titans they become, then hit the nearest train to Ponyville, ensure that Twenty Nine has not yet shuffled off this mortal coil, get back my companions, and then everyone gets cake.... this is a good plan! This is a good plan and nothing is going to stop me now and...

The changeling stopped mere seconds after going into his 'waiting room'. A waiting room he expected to be empty. It wasn't.

This wouldn't have bothered him if the white stallion pony wasn't also holding a newspaper with the job listing he had put in there.

"..."

>...

>"FUCK!"

"REALLY!? Of all the... REALLY!? FOR FUCKS SAKE!"

That was strangely relieving. If a bit insulting.

>Oh, I'm sorry, did you find it surprising that a changeling is running a changeling embassy? Will wonders never cease? Kindly show yourself out so you do not have to be in the presence of one like 'me' anymore.

With that said, a none too subtle rude gesture made, and his disgust barely able to be forced down, he prepared to force the pony out, lock the door and be on his way.

"Please tell me someone else works here."

He let out a contemptuous snort, turning up his nose at the pony.

>Clearly not, or I wouldn't be reduced to putting ads in the paper.

"Nobody else!?"

>No, so will you leave now before I-

"Not even, like, Seventy Seven? Forty Two doesn't come check in?"

He growled, none-too-subtly shoving the pony towards the door with his magic.

>I said, no. And I do not need to be looked over by the blasted soldiers, and I'm well out of fucks to give. Now, you are going to leave, or I'm going to shove my horn right up your-

"Nobody else!? Fucking Gambling doesn't even file stuff? He can file stuff! He can! I know he only uses it for bets, but he's really good at it!"

Strange. Earth ponies can't cast time-freeze spells, yet here he was. Frozen.

>...Beg your pardon?

"He is! He's good at it! Have you ever seen him try to manage sixteen bets at once? He can! He's like the freaking rainmare with that stuff."

>...

"Not even Twenty Two? He's... okay, he's got a glue problem, but he can at least sweep up or crap."

>...

"Nobody else!?"

>...Excuse me for a moment.

With that, the changeling stopped, left the room, came back, opened his mouth, decided against it, left the room, came back, left the room again, came back one more time, and then slapped himself in the face.

>Repeat that.

"I'm just, well... confused, I guess. Were you the only one who was allowed to stay for some reason? I get she wouldn't want to bring you behind because the whole... kill her thing, but aren't you on probation or something? How's someone supposed to kablam your neck if no one else is around?"

>...

"..."

>...Who the fuck are you and how they fuck do you know all of this?

"What do you mean? I was in the room when she did her speech about you."

>...In... in the castle?

"In the ROOM."

>The... the room room?

"The room room! Ballroom!"

>...

"..."

>...Who let you in the ballroom?

"I was living in there!"

>...

"..."

>...I'm sorry, one more second.

The same process of leave, come back, leave, come back and repeat happened again.

>Go on.

"What's the problem?"

>Really? You... nevermind.

The stallion let out a sad breath, and prepared to finish what the changeling had started.

"Damn it. Was sure I was finally gonna get a job. Seemed perfect! But, of course... too good to be true."

>I'm actually getting that impression here myself. But before you leave, I'm curious... what's the issue?

"Because it's YOU! It's... look, I know Queen Chrysalis isn't perfect, but she's nowhere near as bad as ponies make her out to be, you know? So I mean... you tried to kill her! I can't work for someone who would be willing to do that to someone. You know what I've got left at this point? I've got sixteen bits, I've got a blanket I stole from a hotel, and I've got my buddy Jugglejack. That's it. JJ loves her, he really does, so if I started working for the Ling who, you know, tried to... ERRRKK. He would be mad, and he' be right to be! So... fuck. It seemed perfect! I could finally talk about changelings and not look like a crazy pony! I could file stuff, I'm good with organization, and I lived there! I know what they're like! Hell, I rode on JJ when we helped Chitania! This looked perfect, but... damn it. Knew it was too freaking good to be true... hope my bench is still there."

He prepared to open the door, step out, and that would be that.

But a frantic, black hoof stopped that dead.

>A-hem. I feel there is some sort of... misconception here.

"...Oh?'

>Yes, while indeed I did make an attempt back then, it was mostly because I was in a... 'place' when my best friend died, and after the incident down below, well, I snapped.

"...Ah, right. You uh... you went through the same thing Seventy Seven and Eighty Eight did. Sorry."

>Quite alright. But, point is, I have put behind my desires to see Chrysalis with her head on a platter, and I now wish to merely educate the masses of my kind. Chrysalis saw this, which is why she authorized this whole thing. But, to be blunt... I could use some assistance of the pony variety.

"...well..."

>AND, since you seem concerned as to my presence, for good reason I now see, wouldn't it be better to watch from the inside and make sure that I am not spreading miscommunication?

"...You kind of have a point..."

>And I can pay you.

Instead of verbal answers, stomach rumbling sufficed.


>And of course... you can have Jugglejack over here all you want.

"Really?

>Oh yes. I'm sure he would... love to spend some time with you.

"Well, obviously."

He had been joking to gauge how well this pony cold take his 'certain' brand of humor.

He didn't expect such... blankness.

>...

"...What? I like hanging out with JJ! He's cool. You ever watched him juggle? It's amazing!"

>I'll... keep that in mind, but no personal 'juggle' sessions.

"Why would I? JJ loves it when others watch!"

>Oh? Does he now? Do you make him wear costumes?

"Well, I don't make him, but he dresses up sometimes. With fwooshing, though, since that's easier to clean."

>... So, he gets... dirty?

"Sometimes, when the balls drop all sorts of things happen."

>...

"...what?"

>You're leading me on, aren't you?

"I... I don't... leading you on where? Where do you think we're going?"

>...

"...what!?"

>...I'll figure this out later. Listen, I need assistance, pay rate is what is listed on the paper and I'm not in the mood to haggle, and at this moment I am so utterly desperate I will accept you sans background check or references.

"Oh, good, because my old job didn't like me, like... at all."

>I'm going to ignore that. So... what do you say? Will you help my embassy and spread awareness of my species?

The hoof dangled there for a second, just a second, before he shook it.

>Welcome aboard mister...

"Actarius."

>Actarius. So! You start right now!

"Great!"

>And I have to go away for a bit.

"..."

>...

"...This going to happen often?"

>Probably.

"...Sigh."

>Welcome aboard, I'll file your paperwork tomorrow... goodbye!

With a SLAM! The changeling left.

"...Wait, what the fuck do I do here!? I don't know what any of this means or does! Thirty Two!? You can't just... at least give me a manual or... yep. In the words of my good buddy, I should have seen that coming, but my eyes were always closed."

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>Daw
"SS"
'??'
~~~

>THIS IS FUCKIN' BONKERS!

"Hey, you said you were bored!"

>I said I was bored, not that I wanted to get SHOT AT!

"Should've specified."

'HEY! WHINER!'

>WHAT!?

'DODGE!'

BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA

>POMMEL I'M GONNA WRING YOUR BLOODLY LITTLE NECK FOR GIVING HER ROBOTS!

'...Giving me?'

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>DT
"Filthy Rich"
~~~

>BUT DAAAADDDYYYYYYY!

"No, Sweetiekins."

>DAAADDDDYYYYYYYY!

"Noooo."

>...DADDY!

"I said no."

>But this is me being nice for once!

"Yes, and I'm very proud of you for wishing the 'Diamond Tiara is Awesome Temporary Home for Displaced Crystal Ponies-"

>DTIATHDCP!

"You don't have to abbreviate the 'is' portion."

>It is vital!

"...Fine. Point is, I don't have the funding for it right now."

>But why noooooooot?

"Oh, because in one month's time... there is going to be a big, big change."

>...Did... did you just do the hoof tapping and smirking thing?

"Where do you think you got it from?"

>Fair enough.

"..."

>...Will we get more power and money?

"Of course!"

>AWESOME!... Too bad about the Crystal Ponies, though.

"Awww, sorry Sweetiekins. You want me to get you an F-class stinger missile to make up for it."

>...

"Fine, an F-class AND an A-class, but only because you ate all your brussles."

>Oh thank you daddy!

"Anything for my little girl! Now... no rocket launchers at the table."

>HE IS EATING WITH US!

"I meant the new one, not... him."

>Oh... TBDRLIATU needs a buddy while we talk.

"...Fair enough."

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 >Pinkie
"??"
~~~

>Wow... even I'm having trouble making this seem sunny. Finding the bright side here is mostly 'we're not dead', which sounds kind of mean. Got some issues here...

"That is disappointing to hear."

>...

"..."

>....MAUD!?

"Hello."

>Wha-wh... WHY ARE YOU HERE!?

"I was invited."

>When!?

"After Chitania attacked Fillydelphia.

>...THAT WAS MONTHS AGO!

"That is correct."

>Wha- WHY HASN'T SHINY MENTIONED YOU!?

"I haven't spoken to him since I arrived, he is very busy."

>...And you don't think that's weird!?"

"As I said, he is very busy, I am not offended."

>Does he even know you're still here!?

"Probably. I have been enjoying his buffet for a while."

>His what!? Where is his buffet!?

"The tall structures, they are delicious."

>...

"..."

>...Those are houses.

"...I have made a terrible mistake, and owe him money."

>Let's, uh... let's not just mention it at all. Covered up pretty well now, I think.

"That would be rude."

>I know Shiny, we're personal friends, he will not be offended.

"Oh. I wish to also be personal friends with Shining Armor, he seems nice, and has good food."

>...We'll work on that later. Is that really the only reason you're here?

"I am also helping Sombra with his work."

>Now, see, that part makes more sense.

"I am sorry, I will start with that next time."

>...where have you been sleeping?

"In the guest bedroom."

>What!? Where!?

"Next to Shining Armor's and Princess Cadence's master bedroom."

>...and they never noticed you!?

"I am very quiet."

>...

"..."

>...Mom and dad probably think you ran off and got hitched.

"I haven't."

>You should probably tell them.

"...No, I am rebelling."

>.........................................................

"See. I can be funny too."

>....You're my favorite sister.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"???"
~~~

>...If today gets any worse, I swear, reset button. Just one great big reset button, start over, new world, all that stuff. I am so, very, do-

THOOOM!

>THAT'S IT! EVERYTHING DI-

"SISTTTTEEEERRRRRRRRRR!"

>...

"Sister! We have such wonderful news! Our student is learning at an amazing rate! And we have found a love of zebra cuisine! Everything is just going amazing!"

>...

"...Sister? What is the-"

SMACK!

"OW!"

SMACKSMACKSMACKSMACK

"SISTER WHY!?"

SMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACK

"DO NOT BE JELOU-"

SMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACK

"MOTHER HELP!"

CRACK!

"..."

>mrphmhm.

"...Sooo-"

>PTOO!

"Disgusting."

>WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?

"...Why? What did we miss?"

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>29
"MM"
'???'
~~~~

>UGH! Thine princess shalt drive me to insanity, she shall! Upon mine very bones I feel the pressure she places upon me! And in the ringing of mine head comes the rattles of her every blow! Tis madness!

"You know, most ponies would freak out with joy if the princess tried to train them."

>Does thou think I am really like the rabble? Ney! Were I so, mine royalty so fair would not give me the time of day!

"...As opposed to now?"

'HA HA!'

Both changeling and pony froze mere steps after entering into the, previously locked, abode that belonged to the mare of the two. It had been dark, it had been empty. It was now none of those.

>SHOW THINESELF, FOUL INTRUDER! FOR THE WRATH OF MINE POWER SHALL BE UNLEASHED UPON THEE!

"This doesn't sound as impressive when you're hiding behind me."

>Thou art to beguile the intruder with thine looks so fair, and then I shalt unleash a thunderous blow from mine horn! POWER UNTOLD!

"Calling me pretty doesn't make it better."

>I tried.

'I shall give it an E for effort, but really, how uncoltish of you, brother.'

As the room was still bathed in utter darkness, he could not see anything. Thankfully, he didn't need to.

>...YOU!?

"GAH!"

She wasn't 'shoved', persay, as she very much doubted he could 'shove' a particularly impudent toddler, but she was 'guided' over to the side as the changeling shot forwards.

>Brother! Thou finally comes to see me after all this time, and this is how thou greets me?! In mockery of mine failed attempts.

'Hm. Point... did I go too far, Q?'

TINK!

'Oh, you're always too soft. Reggie?'

CHITTER!

'Oh ho ho! You saucy minx!'

>Where are you, when I find thee I shall split thee in half like a-

With the light flicked on, he could see at last. More specifically, of the changeling laid sideways across the couch in a mock seductive pose with a massive smile on his face.

And, for some reason, a rose in his mouth.

>...MY ROSES!

'They died a noble death to provide this stunning image.'

>NOOOOO! OH CRUEL WORLD! HOW COULD THEE STEAL FROM ME MY ROSE SO FAIR!?

'... Mayor? I do not wish to be cruel, how long do you suppose it would take him to figure out I am talking normally, yet the rose didn't fall out?'

"Give him till the third sentence."

>OH WHAT A TERRIBLE WORLD! OH WHAT A HORRIBLE THING! OH- wait a minute.

"Right on cue."

With a rush of fire, the rose vanished.

>That isn't funny.

'Plebeians never really understand art.'

>DID THOU JUST CALL ME A PLEBEIAN!?

"Don't call him that, he gets mad."

'You say that like I don't want him mad.'

>UGGH! I thought thine time in a sealed cage would give thee a sight upon life! A gaze into a world when thou needs not engage in such petty antics!

'Oh no no no, if anything it only made me worse. I must say, you coming down to see me so often is very likely the reason I am still sane, if not the only reason I still live and do not starve to death, I admit that, but that has only endeared me to seek you out and heckle you more. You brought this on yourself, really.'

>...Marey? Next time my altruism crops up do smack me something fierce. I damn mineself with every breath, it seems.

"Er, I actually like you more when you act nice... shows a nice side of you."

'How adorable!'

"I'm the mayor, can totally have you arrested."

'Well, I'm the ambassador for changelings over in Canterlot, I'm sure I can get out of it.'

>What!? HOW!?

'I asked, and she gave it to me... much like I am sure you need to give it to-'

>Be silent!... and stop posing like that!

'But don't you want your little... thank you for all you've done?'

How he made a little twinkle noise when he winked would forever remain a mystery.

Why Twenty Nine's eye started twitching as he shook his ass in the air was less so.

>Not again!

"Really? Even after you get out, you're still gonna taunt him like that? Kinda mean."

'On the one hoof, it is rather fun, especially now that there are no bars between us, and I can really pose! Like this!'

>Stop that!


'That said, you seem to be under the impression I wouldn't sleep with him if he asked, I absolutely would. Would certainly let him have his way with me.'

>BROTHER!

"...go on..."

>MAREY!

"I DIDN'T SAY THAT! YOU HEARD NOTHING!"

'Oh, I heard everything.'

>You be quiet!

'What is the problem? I assure you, I'm quite alright with being the mare in this situation, I've done so before and quite liked it.'

>WILL YOU STOP!

'Oh, fine... I suppose out of thanks, I will cease the thing that riles you up so for just a bit out of thanks.'

>THANK YOU! By the HIVEMIND that is... weird!

"...I think it's kinda cool."

'Oh, so selfish, yet I would place money on the notion you never once offered to make out with dear Zecora for him.'

"WHAT!?"

>YOU JUST SAID-

'I'm doing this to her, not you. It's fair game.'

>UGHHH!... Just get over here and hug me.

'And what makes you think I want a...'

>...

He sat there with his forelegs wide open for a solid ten seconds. On the eleventh, they closed around the aged ex-soldiers frame.

'...Thanks for coming down to see me...'

>Yes, well... you deserved someone to look after you.

'I'm glad... that it was you. At a point when I wondered if I deserved to die down there, I am happy someone like you was there to prove me wrong. More than my freedom, I'm happy I'm out... just for this.'

His grip around the posh changeling tightened, just a bit.

'And I'm sorry I was so much trouble.'

>...Hm. Some things are worth the trouble.

'I wasn't... but thank you anyway.'

They finally separated, shared a look... and that was that.

'...Well! You have an evening planned, obviously, so I shall take my bedeviled tongue elsewhere! Come, Q, Reggie! My brother has been a most generous host, but it is finally time to go back.'

TINK!
CHITTER!

'I couldn't agree more. Take care, my brother.'

>Yourself as well.

He paused just outside of the doorway, sparing a look back over his shoulder.

'Do come see me sometime at my embassy. It would be a treat to have you over.'

>...I shall consider it.

'Good. Come down any time you like... and feel free to bend me over my new desk and-'

The door came down with a SLAM over the shaking rear in the doorway, shuffling him forwards. He laughed the whole way.

>...

"...You did kind of bring this on yourself."

>Like a child sticking thine hoof in a fire, I know, but it still burns.

"...So, you going to go see him?"

>Obviously.

"Can... can me and Zecora come too?"

>I don't see why not, you probably should anyway if what he says is true, and not a joke about...

"..."

>...Marey, no.

"This might make you feel better, but honestly? I just want to see what Zecora does."

>...

"...You wanna see it too now, don't-"

>YES!

Outside, giggling to himself while his little companions bounced away, he moved away from the window.

'Ohhhh, he is much too fun sometimes... oh, blast, you didn't hear that, did you?'

The child in front of him shrugged.

~Heard worse at the orphanage. Old lady had to pay the bills somehow.~

'...My, how utterly dark.'

~Yeah, there's some real underlying creepy stuff with us.~

'Yes, well... good night to you.'

~Goodnight~

He walked, or rather ran, off, with never a single look back.

TINK!
CHITTER!

'...What do you mean, who was I talking to? I think you two are the ones going crazy.

Perhaps, if he had... he would have seen the child walk right into the door.

And then go straight through it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Rarity"
~~~~
> Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and I try to do references to Game of Thrones! Now for our main guest...RARITY!!!

"Hello~"

>Rarity, would you be willing to take something for a watch?

"Well first I'd like to know if it's a nice watch, but what do you mean by take?"
Pinkie shoves a cherry pie on to Rarity's chest smearing it. Rarity sits with her mouth open while red drips down.

>...for the watch.

"...why?"

>Because a vague joke that only a few would get. Thanks for watching everypony!
Rarity wakes up.

"...oh thank goodness that was a dream. The red stains would have been dreadful to clean off my coat."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Celestia"
'???'
~~~~

>So, I heard you have some kind of superthing in a computer... aren't you worried?

"Nope."

>Why not?

SLAM!

'Princess Celestia! I think I've found a solution! Me and my friends are on the case!'

ZOOM!

>...

"...Just like old times."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spitfire
"Crystal Pegasi"
~~~~

>I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF YOU!

"Ma'am, please stop."

>YOU DIDN'T SUCK! YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T SUCK!

"Stop hugging us."

>I'M NOT THE WOOOOHURHURRRRST!

"Your hooves hurt."

>UH BUHHHHHH!

"I wanna go be a guard again."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Twilight
"Pommel"
'Primrose'
-Coltsly-

-So you're here to- -

>Use your facilities, yes.

-Strange, I figured the guard was handling Canterlot on their own...mostly.-

"The Peacetrotters are a compromise for something unrelated."

-Ah, fair enough, I suppose. But I thought you had one of the foremost labs in the world, Princess Sparkle, why do you need my help?-

>It's confidential, we just need one of your technicians to follow these instructions to the letter.

-Hmm...well, I have to say, I don't actually see a utility in putting a list of weapon loadouts and detailed armor plating specs inside of what's essentially a janitor bot?-

>In a word? Bait.

-Foooor?-

'Classified.'

>Good boy.

-Alright, I assume you don't want him to ACT like a jug- -

>"NO!"

-...-

"Er, no we don't. If things go wrong I'd rather not have some crazy machine spirit crap going on in addition to...classified."

-Just remember that if this works I don't want my contribution to be classified, understand? I am running a business here.-

>You'll be compensated, now, shall we?

-Let's. Lugnut! Get over here, please!-

'This unit will assume the position.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Dash
"Fluttershy"
~~

>...

"Nice to see her finally bringing it around, isn't it? You must be happy she's better now."

>Yeah... just kinda...

"What?"

>...it's stupid.

"...Dash?"

>Hm?

"Regardless of who gave her another chance... she wouldn't have even tried again if it wasn't for you."

>...Thanks, Fluttershy.

"Anytime."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >JJ
"Actarius"
'???'
~~~

>...How.

"I DON'T KNOW! I just came in here two minutes ago!"

>Did... did you offer free candy or something?

'CANDY!?'

'DID HE SAY CANDY!?'

'I WANT CANDY TOO!'

>...Sorry.

"Crud, this crowd is too big... JJ! DISTRACTION!"

>DADADADDADA- FUCKING HOLES!

'...Why don't you just-'

>FUCK YOU, HOLES!

'It seems like there's lots of options to-'

>THESE FUCKING HOLES!

'...Anybody else weirdly more interested because he keeps failing? Like, if he pulled it off it wouldn't be that impressive, but because he does it this way...'

>Okay, you got this, you got this! YOU GOT THIS YOU GOT THISGOTTHISGOTTHIS-FUCKINNNNNG HOLES!

'You know... I kind of am.'

'It's... mesmerizing.'

>WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD!?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________