To Download a Faulty Antivirus Furry Robot

To Download a Faulty Antivirus Furry Robot

----

	Anon wakes up groggy, his head was pounding like someone had taken a jackhammer to his temples. He'd gotten way too drunk the night prior. At a party? Impressing women?

	No, he was browsing the internet, mostly just cheesecake to keep the blood flowing while he consumed cheap beer after beer. That Rainbow bitch he hated a lot hadn't popped in for almost a year now, probably doing video game world shit. Then there was that ... strange adventure in that cartoony land that he kept telling himself was some sort of drug induced hallucination or fever dream that happened to last... three years.

	Anyways, the status quo was back to normal, minimum wage work, alcohol, pizza takeout, and generally miserable days all around. There's no use reiterating the typical weight of depression, everyone's been there. Or so Anon liked to believe.

	He booted his computer up, it buzzed in protest, the fans struggling to cough up the clouds of dust that loved to grow between the blades. Slowly his monitor hummed to life on his old ass Windows 98 computer. He had a newer model but- well, when he first had his encounter with the Rainbow Bitch, she caught it in the crossfire and rainwater didn't mix well with it. Were he aware of this at the time he wouldn't have been nearly as sweet on her on the way out. He kicked a few disposed cheap, evil smelling beer bottles aside and clicked his profile name "tfwnogf" and entered his forty-letter, number, and symbol password. The internet was a vice for him, and he damn sure wasn't letting anyone into his tiny bit of genuine privacy and love- his hard drive.

	Slowly memories began to form of the night prior, he didn't spend the whole time looking up strange cheesecake, there was some... Russian website, and something about bad dragons and j-lists- blech. It all merged and mashed uselessly together. Chances are he just grabbed something cheap and stupid on Amazon in his stupor.

	"HI!!!! I'M UR NEW ANTIVIRUS LOLBIT.EXE, PLZ TO MEET U!!!"

	"What in the fuck!?" Anon's heart skipped a beat as his desktop seemed to rot into static as a beaming face met his, distorted sockets filled with two bright glowing white balls of vigor staring back at him. It was a fox of some sort, with sharp teeth and violet lipstick that seemed to perpetually expand and distort away from her muzzle. She was wearing a bright smile, her ears twitching. She wore bright violet-blue blush matching her lipstick.

	"Um... What?"

	"I NO HEAR U, IS SOUND BROKE LET ME CHECK???"

	Anon could only pause in confusion before, with horror, his mouse took its own control, the fox's eyes following and seeming to concentrate on the effort, clicking the small 'speaker' in the corner, and raising it to the top. The ding was audible, but apparently not to the vixen. She huffed, growling slightly to herself (her voice was tinged with static, though thankfully all her words were visible in small little text bubbles aside from her desktop-consuming face.

	"OH I KNOW LOL, PLAY LAST MIX- OKAY GO-"

	It took a brief moment to process what she was about to do before Anon could vocally demand she stop, the walls were paper thin and he was on thin ice with his neighbors- not to mention the redhead next door that he really, really wanted to impress-

	"NOW PLAYING PASSENGER OF SHIT: I STAPLE TAPE WORMS ON MY PENIS-"

	Any protests were drowned out as his speakers nearly imploded from the blast of what he last listened to (as a gag!) now echoing through his room. Of course he had just installed the new bass speaker he got as a family gift a week prior.

	It worked.

	"-SO I CAN DRINK BRAIN JUICE FROM YOUR FETUS"

	"WOW MISTER OWNER WOW GOOD MUSIC GOOD BEAT WOW THIS IS SATISFACTORY" The fox's head was bobbing along with the music, the mouse struggling to bring the volume higher still. Anon was perspiring, he could hear banging from the room next to him- it was nine AM, but on a Saturday-

	"What the fuck are you doing in there?"

	"N-nothing- sorry, computer virus!" Anon called over the music as best he could.

	"GREAT BEAT!! FANTASTIC BEAT! U HAVE SUCH GOOD TASTE IN MUSIC, REPEAT x999 TIMES PLS OK GO VERY NICE"

	"Wait, no- hold on!" Anon was pushing the power button in, anything to kill the program but the computer was ignoring him at this point- she couldn't hear him obviously, but-

	The microphone! He had a mic on the headset in his closet. As the rape of music continued blasting to Lolbit's cheery head-bobbing, Anon was furiously digging in just a pair of boxer shorts and socks through his closet for those old headphones.

	"I'm gonna call the landlord if you don't crank that shit down!!"

	"Fuck off... I'm working on it!!" Anon kept the first part in a whisper, digging past assorted anime figures, antique lava lamps, rubber skeletons, shit he'd compiled over the years till finally- he found it!

	In a flash he plugged it into the outlet, threw on the headset and-

	"STAPLE TAPEWORMS ON MY PENIS-SO THE FLESH-"

	"JESUS FUCK WHY."

	Anon cried, throwing the headset off as the volume (that went way higher than his computer was ever able to before) pierced his eardrums, violating the sanctum of his brain. Lolbit's expression brightened at the popup down below, "A MICROPHONE HAS BEEN CONNECTED." Her visage garbled into static as she starting looking up and down the monitor for her new Master.

	"OOH OOH, ARE U THERE? I'M LOLBIT.EXE, I'M UR NEW ANTIVIRUS HELLO HOW R U HAVE U BEEN ALRIGHT?"

	"TURN. OFF. THE. MUSIC." Anon groaned, his headache greatly intensified.

	"K MASTER LOLBIT.EXE LOVE 2 PLEASE."

	And with that, the assault on his eardrums died, and Anon could breathe again.

	"Okay... So... what the Hell are you?" the fox, having been noticed, seemed content to fade away from taking up the whole screen, instead finding a nice corner to rest in, his desktop seemed to tear and break off in blocks around her- like someone taking a magnet to his PC. Her response was chipper at least.

	"HI I'M LOLBIT.EXE, U BOUGHT ME LAST NIGHT, I'M UR NEW ANTIVIRUS AND BEST FRIEND, Y/N????"

	"Uh- Hey, what the fuck-"

	In a flash she had his browser up, and no less than five hundred tabs, internet history, favorites, porn of every flavor- Oh God it was flying by-

	"OH U SURE DO LOVE USING THE INTERNET WHAT A GOOD USER I HAVE <3"

	"Don't- who gave you permission to get in there, get off that!"

	"ONE SEC, OH U PLAY NEOPETS? BUT... WHY R UR EMAIL CONTACTS NOT IN UR NEOFRIENDS? I'LL INVITE THEM-"

	"Wait no, my boss is in there, what are you doing!?"

	"&&&&& READY 4 SENT, LOLBIT.EXE DID GOOD JOB, NOW "DO_NGL0VER" WILL HAVE NEW NEOFRIENDS VERY SOON YES?"

	"Don't send that! What are you doing-"

	Her ears drooped, her eyes widening like a chastised puppy before something seemed to click and she was beaming again.

	"RIGHT LOLBIT.EXE SO DUMB, THIS EMAIL IS BORING IT NEEDS PICTURES-"

	"Wait, no it doesn't- Lolbit don't you-"

	"LET'S SEARCH UR FILES-OH, I FIND FOLDER!!! 'C//Users/Private/crass_lewd/unforgivable_porn/Neopets/Aisha/feral_on_human' IS GOOD YES???"

	Anon's heart died in his chest, He tried to break the console, but it was no use, it was like a tower of concrete against his weak kicking protests.

	"OH USER IS SO EXCITED HE IS BANGING OUR HOME AAAAAAAA <3 LOLBIT.EXE FEEL SO MUCH LOVE, OKAY LOLBIT.EXE SEND WHOLE FOLDER, READY-"

	"Stoooop!"

	"SENT! OH WHOOPS. LOL. LOLBIT.EXE MAKE MISTAKE. WHOOPS, LOLBIT GOT TOO EXCITED."

	Tears welling at the Hell to come, Anon could barely bring himself to look at the screen. Under the sent bar, his new... Whatever the Hell she was had made a mistake.

	'Subject Name: Join me on Neopets.com! -DO_NGL0VER + 42 image attachment, SEND TO: All Known Contacts.'

	"L-lolbit why."

	"OH WOW U KEEP UR GRANDMA N UR CONTACTS U MUST REALLY LOVE UR FAMILY, LOLBIT.EXE IS SO PROUD YOU ARE GOOD USER HEART EMOTICON X =3 TIMES"

	"H-how do I delete you?"

	She didn't skip a beat, nuzzling against the screen affectionately before nearly purring.

	"LOLBIT.EXE STAYS FOR FULL YEAR WITH PURCHASE, LOLBIT.EXE HOPES YOU LOVE HER VERY VERY VERY MUCH Y/N?"

	Never before had Anon hit the 'N' key so hard in his life.

END