[KS] Waiting

Original post: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=7281&p=177997#p177997

“We’ll be right back.”

That’s what they said. They were going to get some lunch. I had to stay here anyway, so waiting wasn’t a problem. Mr. Nomiya. That’s why I had to stay here. I had to wait for him. He wanted someone to talk to me about art. I didn’t really want to talk about art. Why would you talk about art? Art is talking in and of itself. That would be like talking about talking. And if I were talking about what I was thinking, I’d be talking about talking about talking. Recursively.

I didn’t know who that someone was supposed to be. Would they be weird and old like Mr. Nomiya? Or just old? Or just weird? Or neither of those things? It didn’t really matter who that someone was. They wanted to talk about talking. I guess that makes them weird. Emi and Hanako are weird. Looking at them made me hungry. Maybe that’s just because they were talking about lunch. I guess that’s better than talking about talking.

But their departure left me alone. Alone is okay. Lonely is not okay. But I wasn’t lonely, so it was okay. I just sat there in front of the mural and everything was okay. It was okay for a long time. There was a boy that dropped his ice cream, and that was not okay for him, but it did not bother me. But still… the longer I sat the more I thought about not being okay. Did that make me not okay? When do you stop being okay and start not being okay?

When it had been half an hour since they left, it was okay. When it had been an hour since they left, it was okay. When it had been an hour and a half since they left, it was okay. I think. It had been two hours since they left when I started thinking I was not okay. Was that when I started not feeling okay? Or was it before? Maybe when I felt okay before, I was really not okay and I just didn’t know yet?

So I wasn’t okay. I guess. Why wasn’t I okay? They left me. That was okay. They said they’d be right back. That was okay. They didn’t come back. That was okay. Alone was okay. Or maybe it wasn’t okay? They lied. Talking about talking is bad, but talking about talking when you’re actually not going to talk is worse. Lying is not okay.

I was lonely. They said they were coming back. They didn’t. That’s not okay. I was lonely. They were my friends. They said they’d wait with me. I was lonely. They said to tell Hisao to wait here if he showed up. I couldn’t tell him if he didn’t. I was lonely. Alone and lonely. One  is okay, and the other is not okay. If you put them together, neither is okay. It’s like math, except with feelings.

Maybe I should have given up. Gone away. Stopped waiting. Waiting for Emi and Hanako to come back. Waiting for Mr. Nomiya to bring his weird old friend. Waiting for Hisao to come get his message. Giving up is not okay. But if it was okay, I would have done it. But what would I have done after I gave up? I’d have just been waiting for something else to happen.

Waiting. Always waiting. Maybe – just maybe – if I waited differently, things would change? I stood up. It felt different. But I was still waiting. Some people looked at the mural. They didn’t stay long. They didn’t like waiting, I guess. I didn’t like waiting either. Well, waiting was okay. But loneliness was not okay. And I was waiting and lonely. It’s like math again.

I decided to give up. Math made my head hurt. No more math. But I couldn’t move. I was stuck. I sighed. More waiting, I guess. Waiting for people who didn’t wait. Waiting for people who were doing something that was not waiting. Waiting for people who didn’t care.

I closed my eyes, and imagined the clouds. They didn’t wait for anybody. They did exactly what they wanted. I wish I was a cloud. Then I wouldn’t be waiting. And I wouldn’t be lonely, because clouds were always with other clouds. And if there weren’t any other clouds, they just rained themselves out until they weren’t clouds anymore.

Could I rain myself out? Could I not be waiting anymore? Could I not be lonely anymore? I tried as hard as I could. Raining wasn’t as easy as the clouds made it seem. I didn’t want to wait anymore. But waiting was all I could do.

“Why does everyone leave me?”

I didn’t realise I had said it at first. All that waiting had gone to my head. I wasn’t thinking straight. Relatively speaking. I was thinking curvier than usual. But I said it. I had somehow stopped waiting and started talking. And it wasn’t even talking about talking. I was so surprised by my epiphany – my revelation – that it took me a good fifteen minutes to realise that – for once – someone was waiting for me.

“Good afternoon.”

I looked at him funny. It was Hisao. And he was waiting for me. So, if he was here, was I still waiting for him? Not really. I was finished waiting. Waiting for Hisao, at least. I still had to wait for Mr. Nomiya and Emi and Hanako. More waiting. At least I wouldn’t have to wait by myself. I wouldn’t be alone or lonely. I’d be waiting, but I’d be okay. Probably. I still felt not okay.

“Wait here.”

Hisao looked at me funny. I waited for him to answer. He waited too. Maybe he wanted me to say more.

“What are we waiting for?”

What would I say? I’d be talking about waiting. Which is nearly as boring as talking about talking. After a minute, I finally answered.

“Happiness.”