Breaking the news

This is intended to be read with plenty of wet noises, slurping and sucking, beginning fairly subtly and becoming more obvious along the way until it's quite obvious at the end.

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Hi honey, how's it going?

Yes, I know that taking care of the kids and the house can be difficult, but one of us has to work right?  And since that's me, I think that taking care of the house is the least you should do, and honestly I do get a little tired of hearing you complain about it all the time.

I'm sorry baby, I don't mean to sound harsh.  It's just that after working all day to pay our bills, it's just a little hard to take.  My boss, John, doesn't complain about things.  When he needed a job, he just started up his own business and made a job for himself.  Why can't you do that?

Well yes, I realize it takes education and he had some connections, but there's nothing stopping you from making some connections right?  Just show a little of the initiative that he shows and make something happen.  Take a lesson from him.

Well no, there's really no openings here for YOU.  Any openings I have in the office, I fill immediately with better qualified men.  Hiring you would be a sympathy hire, and you know how John feels about you.  He feels that having you here would distract me from my duties to him, and that as long as I'm at the office, he should get my full attention.

Well yes, in fact I do agree with him.  I'm your wife at home, but in the office I'm his employee and I need to show my appreciation for this lucrative job he's given me.  Having you here would only inhibit me in the work I need to do for him.  I bend over backward here to get ahead, I show him how flexible my skills are every day and how willing I am to learn and do whatever's necessary to keep this job.  I tell him how desperately we need the money and how you can't contribute, so our entire living depends on him.

Well if I remember correctly, you had your chance to lodge your objections with John personally at the last office party, and you didn't say a thing.  Everyone else was having fun, drinking and playing in the hot tub and you were just such a wet blanket!  Always giving me your little puppy dog eyes just because I was sitting next to John in the jacuzzi.

ok well, sitting next to him or sitting on his lap, what's the difference?  I was just being a team player and trying to get in the spirit of the party.  Your sulking and pouting was just bringing everyone down.  You act like I'm such a bad wife for asking you to leave, but I just didn't think you wanted to be there.  You didn't miss much after you left, and I've already told you that.  Don't believe everything that you hear hahahaha

Well look dear, the reason I'm calling... no, I'm just having a late lunch, it's soup, so I'm sure it does sound a little 'slurpy' hahahahah... the reason I'm calling is because John is going out of town for the weekend and he's asked me to come and perform for him as his personal assistant.

Yes I know we were supposed to have our anniversary dinner, but something popped up, what can I say?  John is going to have to entertain some very important clients for the whole weekend, and I have to be there to assist him whenever a hard task rears it's head.  You know, I swear the more I do for him the more he wants me to do!  It's job security!  You know that with clients like these, powerful, aggressive men, it's very important that their needs are satisfied right away.  It's so exhausting having to cater to their desires.  Fun, but exhausting!  I know you think I'm doing this for fun, but it's really for us baby.  It's my job to handle these men and my boss, and lord knows I get paid well enough for it.

Well don't blame me!  If you didn't get so mopey, I could conduct my affairs right there at home, then you could see more of me.  Sometimes I get so busy, I'm just tied up at the office allll day and night and I know you miss me.  If you could just pretend to be a little morose, I wouldn't mind if you saw me conducting my business.  It might entertain you to see me satisfying the needs of all these different men.

What??  No, I didn't mean anything sexual silly!  I just mean that it would be convenient to be able to satisfy my clients in the comfort of our own home.  No more driving around to different hotels for our get togethers, no more worrying that our neighbors and friends might see me and get the wrong idea.  You know how often that happens.  I don't want to have to sneak around, I want to do what I do right out in the open and unashamed.  John has already said that he would allow me to work from home more often as long as you promise not to interfere.

Well, think about it honey.  Who knows, you might learn to like it!  Maybe it could add a little excitement into our home, lord knows I love you honey (slurp slurp) but you do bore me to tears sometimes, and the sight of you cleaning house I swear!  Sometimes it's hard to remember that you're the man of the house!

Yes, I really do have to go.

No I don't need to pack any bags, John said that he would just buy whatever I need on the way.

No I won't be back home, we're leaving straight from here.  In fact I think John is about ready to blast off right now! (gulp gulp).

Well honey, I think we're finished here.  If you're still not happy you'll just have to deal with it until I get back, then we can talk.  But be warned, if you want to talk about me quitting this job, you had better have a better one already lined up for yourself or I don't want to hear it.  If you're just going to complain with offering a better alternative, I'll just stay at John's house until you show me a better attitude.  Think about it.

Yes, goodbye dear.  Of course I do, I love you sooo sooo much! hahaha

click.