Thread 63: Stories 31-45

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>7
"???"
~~

At last, he returned. Returned to the land of Canterlot from which he had been sent away.

In hindsight, jumping from the train was totally unnecessary, and he should probably apologize to whoever owned that apple cart he landed in. Nothing but a lot of applesauce now.

But later! More important matters were at hand, such as him narrowing in on his 'prey'. Soon, he would pull the one cavorting with the traitor aside, and quietly 'deal with him' before reporting of the betrayal to his Queen.

Yes... he could see it now...

~~~~~~

>Majesty! I have found within our ranks one who fed and gave luxuries to the traitor after his imprisonment!

"What!? One who dared to feed the one who made an attempt on my life!?... hrm, was it Seventy Seven? I give passes to Seventy Seven because apparently loyalty to me does not include not hanging out with someone who tried to fucking stab me."

>NO! It was the despicable one, Twenty Nine!

"...He's not dead?"

>He wasn't.

"AHAHAHHA! Good work, Seven! You have proven your loyalty to me and done so with a sneakiness far beyond what that dickless loser Jetset ever could, and you smell far better than him too!"

>Thank you for noticing! The eighty bits for the scented baths were not in vain!

"Indeed! And now I shall reward you, and make you top infiltrator of the hive! You now are equal to all the authority and prestige of Forty Two!"

>Thank you your majesty!

"You deserve it! You also deserve this parrot."

>Just what I always wanted! How did you know I loved them so?

"Because I listened to you, obviously! And I do not see you as expendable fodder!"

>Thank you, Majesty! Can I have another pat on the head?

"Of course!"

*PATPAT*

"You're better than Jetset, you know. And everyone likes you more."

>All in a days work!

"Now let's go race around in carts and shoot guns!"

>HELL YEAH!

~~~~~

Yes.

It was going to go exactly like that.

EXACTLY like that.

...This was going to work.

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 >Soarin'
"Fleetfoot"
~~~

>...So, uh, this wasn't a prank from you, right?

"Nope."

>...You SURE?

"Yes."

>...Huh... well... good for her?

"Told you so."

>Told me what?

"Her and Shining. Told. You. So."

>...Oh come on, he might've just-

"Might've just bent her over and was like "UH! YEAH! YOU WANT A JOB!? OH YEAH I'M GIVING YOU A JOB! YOU TAKE ALL OF THIS JOB! UNH! UNH! OH YEAH THAT'S WHY THEY CALL YOU SPIT*FIRE*, CAUSE YOU ARE HOT!"

>Alright. Got the picture. Please stop it with the air-humping and weirdly well detailed hip movements.

"OH BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE NOW? YOU GOT A NEW NAME! SWALLOWFIRE! GUESS WHY! UNH! OH YEAH!"

>Fleetfoot?

"UH YEAH GONNA GIVE YOU A HIGHER POSITION, OH YEAH!"

>Fleetfoot!

"CONSIDER THIS YOUR SIGN ON BONUS-"

>FLEETFOO... huh.

"UH-UH... wait, why are you huhing?"

>...Hey, Fleetfoot? Got a question.

"...W-whaaaat?"

>...Why is your name Fleetfoot, and not Fleethoof? You don't have feet. Or just a foot.

"..."

>....

"..."

>...

"...Huh..."

>...

"...So, that Spitfire thing, kind of messed up?"

>Little bit, yeah.

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>SA
"Cadence"
'18'
{42}
[Chrysalis]
^2^
~Sombra~
=Mane-Iac=
-???-
~~~~

>No, honey, I am not too wounded to make breakfast, it is not that hard.

"You sure? You got... you know, tackled. Through the air."

'And then exploded.'

>I did not explode, I just hit a snowbank. I anything, that softened the blow.

{While I admit my understanding of physics is severely dwafed by my need to punch things, I would like to point out that colliding with solid ice is not going to soften anything.}

>Well, clearly I am fine... but not fine enough to cook this. What the sparkles?

"It's healthy!"

[What in the fun corners of the hivemind is Tofu?]

{It appears to be... alive...}

"It's got a lot of vitamins and minerals!"

^It's wigglin' like Somby!^

~I do not wiggle like that.~

'Is that supposed to be food, or a glue of some kind?'

"It has flavor!"

=AHHHAHAHHAHA! I KNOW WHAT THAT ISSSSS=

"See? Thank you!"

=YEEEEESSSS! I ONCE USED IT TO ATTACK THE CHILDREN OF AN ORPHANAGE, AND MADE THEM EAT NOTHING BUT THAT AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS!=

[HAH! That's BRILLIANT Maney!]

'You would think that.'

^SWEET MARCHMALLEYS NO! THINK'A THE CHILDREN!^

=AHHAHAHA! BUT I WAS STOPPED BY THE FOOOOOLISH POWER PONIES WITH THEIR SUGAR RAY! THEY TURNED ALL MY BRUSSELS SPROUTS TO CAKE!=

"...That... that sounds like a really bad thing to teach in a comic book..."

>Doesn't sound very healthy.

"Come onnn, please try it?"

'...I'll have some. It might be good.'

[HAH!]

'And what are you laughing at!?'

[This right here, is a plot. This here, is you. MWAH]

'SCREW YOU'

{I too will have some, just to try it.}

[HAH!]

{I just like trying new things.}

~I will not... because I cannot eat.~

^Ah'm gonna do it cause Caddy and Teeny and Forty Two 'er tryin' it.^

>...Well, that's some conflicting feelings about peer pressure lessons...

"Great! I've got the frying pan and the fat oil!"

>...

"...What?"

>You're gonna fry it?

"Yeah?"

>But... aren't you doing this because it's healthy?

"What's your point?"

>... Looking for something to change the subje-GAH!

"Wha-GAH!"

'What's everyone-GAH!'

[Why are you HOLY FFFF]

{HOW THE DEVIL!?}

~Huh...~

^HIYA MISSES SPITFIRE!^

The pony standing in the doorway with a bunch of papers in her hoof just gave a shrug.

>...How long have you been there!?

[Seriously, answer, this is a matter of importance.]

-Uh... s-since you started arguing about the tofu...-

{SLIPPING! I AM SLIPPING! BAD PUNCHBUG!}

[Huh... I'm slipping too...]

'I literally had no idea you were there.'

>...Did you need something?

-Yeah, uh... you've gotta sign... you know.-

>Done and done!... Want to eat breakfast with us? We've got extra.

-...extra?-

>Well, normally Celestia's here too, and WOW can she put it away, so the servings are a little skewed.

-...Celestia.-

>Yep.

-The most powerful pony on the planet.-

>Uh huh.

-...Eats breakfast with you.-

>Normally, but this time she's got stuff to do, I guess? Something must've happened yesterday, gotta ask about that-

"I'M GOING WITH YOU!"

>...

"...A-hem."

-...Is... is it like this every morning? With the whole... lots of changeling and princess and supervillain and smoke monster thing?-

~My name is Sombra.~

=AHHHAHHAHA! AND I AM RETIRED!=

-This is normal?-

^Naw! Nothin's on fire.^

-...-

>You can't say I didn't warn you.

-...Your tofu is burning.-

>Wha-HOW!? THE OVEN ISN'T EVEN ON!

"I think I stood too close."

[DANG IT CADENCE!]

"I'M SORRY!"

^NOW it's normal!^

-...Sure. Why not...-

'CADENCE NO THAT'S NOT A-'

*BOOOOM!*

-...still better than the underwear thing...-

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Soarin"
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but I like popping at increasingly erratic times! Now for our main guest...Soarin!!!
Cheers as Soarin enters.
"Heyo!"

>This is a question I've been superduper meaning to ask! Are you ready for it?

"Am I!"

>Are you?

"Am I!?!"

>Are you?

"...am I?"

>Are you?

"I am!"

>So are you ready for the question?

"...yes."

>Would you like some pie?

"Totally!"

>Open your eyes and find a surprise.
Soarin wakes up and finds a hot pie next to him.

"...I don't know where this pie came from, but maybe today might be a good day.""

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 >Applejack
"Dash"
~~~

*SLAM!*

"APPLEJACK! IT'S AWFUL!"

>Ya' finally figured out that Pinkie ain't bringin' yer' lawnmower back?

"NO IT'S... wait, what!? But I need that!"

>Fer' what? Ya' live on a dang cloud.

"What am I supposed to do when my smoothie maker breaks again, huh!?"

>...Ignorin' that. Ya' had a breakdown o' sorts?

"Huh... Oh right! IT'S THE WORST! LOOK!"

>...Me gettin' a student is the worst ta' ya'? Harsh.

"What? No I... oh, hey, it does say that. Neat... why does Sunset Shimmer sound so familiar?"

>...

"...WAIT A MINUTE WHAT!? YOU'VE GOT A WHAT WITH WHO NOW!?"

>Back ta' yer' point?

"Huh? OH RIGHT! THIS!"

>...

"..."

>...Huh.

"HUH!? FUCKING HUH!? THAT'S IT!?"

>What's the problem? It's kinda weird but Ah' guess iffin' he wants her-

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE! THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER!"

>...Cause why now? Last Ah' checked she quit.

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM!"

>...Explain.

"DON'T YOU GET IT!? I finally get the position I wanted since forever, and all I managed to do was fire almost everyone and drive one of my idols to run off to another country and join the opposing side!"

>Ain't opposin' nothin', both their rulers are freakin' related ta'-

"I'VE MADE HER A LAUGHING STOCK AND DROVE HER INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER COUNTRY! I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT!"

>...Ya' made her lick yer' dang underwear-

"NOT THE POINT!"

>Well, what'dya want me to do about it?

"...Force them to give her back?"

>...

"...With, like, legislation?"

>..

"...DO PAPERWORK AND MAKE MY THING A THING!"

>...

"...NGH!"

>Dash, stop mashin' that paper ta' mah face. First off, it's a dang request fer' increase in sanitation pickup, it ain't helpin'. Second, Ah'm pretty sure what yer' askin' is essentially goin' ta' war over someone who don't wanna be here.

"RIGHT!"

>...

"...WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HAVE THIS!?"

>...

"...Sorry."

>Stop mashin' the dang paper, and Ah'll believe you.

"..."

>...Well?

"I-I'm afraid to let it down..."

>...Ya' should be.

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NC
*Munchmunch*....

"Wait a minute..."

*POP!*

>That's right, it's a PINKIE PIE!

"..."

>...I put my hair in the pie.

"..."

>...My cutie mark hair.

"..."

>...

*Munchmunch*

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NC
>Surprise
~~~~
~Some time before Soarin woke up~
>I don't know why cousin Pinkie asked me to do this, but I hope he likes his "Surprise Pie."

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>Celestia
„Sunset“
'Spike'
(Twilight)
[AJ]
{Fluttershy}
-Rarity-
=Pinkie Pie=
~Rainbow Dash~
^???^
~~~~~~~~~~

[Mind tellin' me why we're all gathered 'round here inna dining room at this faust-forsaken hour, Tia? Not that I dun mind the spread ahm seein', but still feels like yer gunna tell us ta save Equestria again any second. And if yer hopin' those delicious applefritters are gunna tide me over ta clean up yer mess, yer sorely mistaken. But ah will eat 'em.]

>Oh, Applejack. No need to be so suspicious of me. It's a bonding exercise. You all deserve to spend more time together. And with our newest guest I think it would be only appropriate to establish a sort of... rhythm everypony can fall into. If only so we can all keep up-to-date with what everypony else is doing.

'I haven't seen you girls all gathered at one table to just enjoy yourselves for the longest time. I think it's a great idea. Mhrrrhm, anf ahm digginfh thof muffinfh!'

=Don't mind if I do!=

“Oooh, heeeey... you're Spike the Dragon, right? The one Twilight hatched herself? Nice to finally meet you. I am Sunset Shimmer. Princess Applejack's student. Your mommy Twilight told me all about you yesterday.”

~Bwaaaa-hahahaha! Oh wow. 'Mommy'. I can't- help, I can't breathe, hahahaha!~

(Oh shush, Rainbow Dash. I think Spike deserves to call me his sister, mother, friend or whatever else he is comfortable with. We've been together for as long as I can remember.)

{W-well, he IS a baby dragon so I, uhm, I guess him wanting a mommy is only appropriate? Is that carrot juice?}

=Please pass me the milk, please!=

-Certainly, Pinkie. But back on topic, I do believe Spikey-wikey is more than grown-up enough not to need call anypony mommy anymore. Unless it is in a more, ah... private setting, that is.-

>...

[…]

“...”

'*hack-cough* W-waaaaterrrr!'

{Oh my goodness, Spike!}

'*gasp, wheeze, gurgle*'

=You don't want that, Rainbow?=

~The hell I don't! I haven't had the good Canterlot foodstuff once, even though I am Captain of the Wonderbolts!~

=Awww, crud.=

“I had kind of hoped you weren't a pervert in both incarnations, Rarity. But those hopes just took a suicide divebomb off the Canterlot Cliff.”

(A pervert? Whatever do you mean, Sunset? If Spike wants to call me Mom when he is alone with me at night, that's his choice.)

~Snrrrrk, pffffht, heheeheh.~

[A dun justly think Rares meanin' the motherly kind of mommy she wants ta be fer Spike.]

(...Oh. ...Oh! Oh, EEW! Rarity!)

'O-oh, hey, guys, look, p-pancakes with cream and cherries. Uuh yumm, tasty, you should all try some! Here. Here. Here. Oh, and here, you too!'

=Thanks, Spikey. And don't worry, you can call me Momma Pinkie if the others won't let you!”

-Please. As if you hadn't thought about it, dearest, Applejack. Scented candles, silk rope and a little roleplay?-

“Wasn't he hatched shortly after I left? Doesn't that make him... less than a decade old or something? Unless something changed since I left, Equestrian Penal Code section four-hundred sixty-nine dash one dot ten dash eleven states that: 'even in the event of consent, if at least one individual is below the age required to legally consent to the behavior, the perpetrator is to be legally charged with a case of stat-' “

>OH DEAR ME, YOU LOOK HUNGRY, SUNSET SHIMMER! HAVE SOME CORNBREAD!

“Wha-hrrrk! Grrrlgggh-eerrgh!”

[Did y'all jus-Please dun wave that cornbread at me like a spear after assaultin' mah student, Tia.]

>Well, I am armed with baked goods and I know how to use them. Your call, Applejack.

[...y'all dare ta challenge yer fellow princess? …En garde!]

“This is great!”

'This is hell.'

{Please don't fight...}

-Whuaah! Careful, Applejack, don't jump on my plate while I am still eating!-

“Mmmnggghnn. Gulp. Phew.... Th-that almost went down the wrong chute.”

(I didn't know the Princess knew how to dual-wield with her muzzle.)

=Oh, Twilight. She's had to stretch her mouth around bigger things than that in the past!=

(Eeweeweeweeweew! Pinkie, no!)

= I meant like with cake, silly! The Cakes regularily deliver to her, remember?=

~Try an overhead bash, AJ, right on her friggin' horn!~

~~~~~~~~~~
/Two hours later.../

^Princesses, dear guests, I hope the the breakfast was to your li- by the Stars, what happened here?! Assassination? Terrorists? Ninjas? Wh-why is there a pony halfway through the wall! Why is everyone on the ground and covered in food? Princess, shall I call the guard?^

>No... regrets...

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Fleetfoot"
~ ~ ~ ~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and I give quirky intermission shows. Now for our main guest...FLEETFOOT!!!

"...did you shoot me with a tranq-"

>Time for our popular Q&A segment! Do you know where I can get some juice?

"Some what?"

>You know, some boosters? Powerade? A Stimmy Timmy?

"Are you implying I sell drugs?"

>She's caught on, Dashie! Abort abort!
Fleetfoot wakes up in her bunk.

"Well, that one was a bit original of her."

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NC
>Shiny
"???"
'other guards'
____

>Ah, there you are.

'Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who the fuck is this supposed to be?'

"I would be the acting Night Guard Captain. It's a pleasure."

'...WHAT?!'

>Oh, you guys didn't know? Yeah, Luna has her own captain.

'WHAAAAT?!'

>I'm guessing you did not know then. Right.

'THERE'S ACTUALLY A GUARD FOR EACH FACTION?'

>You didn't think an obvious Day Guard such as myself would have complete control over both their turf and Luna's, did you? Seriously?

'THEN WHERE IN THE FUCK HAVE THEY BEEN ALL THIS TIME?'

"I'll ask you to lower your voice, these hollow chambers do not filter screeches well. And I've been here this whole time, doing my job."

'BULLSHIT!'

>No, that'd be the truth. A sad one, actually. You'd be flipped on your rear if you saw the quarters of the Night Guards. You want absolute reign? Well, you're looking at it.

"Your words are too kind, Shining Armor."

>And far too late in coming, but hey, like we used to say, right?

"A good job is best realized in silence."

>Yup.

'WHAAAAAAT?'

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>Turns out, Shiny knew the guy all along, but never mentioned him either

"Wait, ya'll knew about him?"

'Sure! Why wouldn't I?'

"Oh, thank goodness. What's his name?"

'...'

"...Shiny?"

'He uh... does a good job?'

"...Ya'll have no idea what the fuck his name is, do you?"

'IT'S SO HARD TO REMEMBER!'

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NC
>New Day Guard Captain
"Night Guard Captain/NGC"
~~~~~~~~~~

>So, Captain of the Night Guard, what is your name again?

"There is no need for you to know."

>Well, what if need to call upon you?

"You won't. I am under the direct authority of princess Luna. If she wanted me to speak to you, she would let me know."

>This is bullshit. You just think you're better than us.

"I don't. You do an adequate job with the thankless task that has been given to you. Now, please excuse me. The Horrors from Beyond the Stars have announced their bicentennial arrival and the Princess expects to welcome them accordingly.

>...I really want to hate that guy... but it'd be so damn petty when's being this polite."

"I can still hear you."

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'Heeeey... you! Old so and so, how you doing.'

>Is this why you never talk about him?

'W-whaaaa? I talk about him all the time! He's... you know, HIM! He's awesome. Does a good job.'

"..."

'...I mean, except for repelling invasions, he sucks at that.'

"FOUR TIMES! It only happened four times!"

'I personally repelled three of those.'

"Plplplplplpl."

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Non-Canon
>Lyra
"Bon bon"
~~~~
>Bon bon, I'm telling you, something is going on. Robot invasion, Chitania, Partyland, cordyceps? Don't you think it was odd that we didn't hear anypony dying? I suspect that the Mares in Black are actually the night guard operating in the shadows keeping casualty rates low and a watchful eye on us. Just like Princess Luna. It makes sense. Equestra is dangerous! How else did ponies keep from dying?

"Lyra, I don't think they were seen in any of those times."

>The absence of evidence, is not the evidence of absence! They wouldn't be good at operating in the shadows if they were seen now would they?
Bon bon sighs.

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'Night guard'
~~~
>Don't you think it was odd that we didn't hear anypony dying?

*SHOOP!*

'Actually, that was because the robots were programmed not to kill anyone due to Blueblood being a massive sissy deep down, everyone pulled out of Chitania's way via giant magical pull from the princess, the chaos powers originating from a pacifist who doesn't want to hurt anyone, and the infection in question keeping everyone alive so that it could further it's terrible spread. We didn't do any of that, and please don't give us credit when Princess Celestia nearly killed herself saving everyone that one time, and all of us got taken over on that last one. There is no mares in black conspiracy, and we are not monitoring you.'

>Oh... thanks!

'No problem. Also, you should floss more, you're just wasting toothpaste without it.'

>Thanks!

*GONE!*

>...WAIT A MINUTE!

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