reading bleeh

She was voiceless when she met him. Colourless. With lowered eyes she walked on the streets, afraid to be seen. Her hands shook as she handed money to the cashiers, her legs seemed to tremble when she got out of the bus and her voice cracked every time she spoke.

She was voiceless.

He was warm and tender.

She was not his and he was not hers, but she found something in him. All the other people seemed gray and lifeless, but he shined.

She watched him in silence. Followed the life that flowed within him with a fascination she thought was impossible. His eyes glowed and she saw that he too, had been hurt. He had been in pain and he had survived. And as she saw the understanding in his eyes, tears dimmed her vision. She pulled her hand towards her face, to hide the vulnerability she had been fighting against for so long, but he stopped her. A worried frown had taken shape between his eyebrow and she could see every word he wanted to speak, every emotion that vibrated in his mind. His eyes witnessed of a life of wisdom. A life of tears and desperation, of anguish and despair, love and harmony. She could read him like an open book, and she could finally breathe. He gave her everything he could give, helped her up on her feet and brushed away the dirt from her scraped knees. He combed her hair and wiped the smeared makeup of from her cheeks. With thoughtfulness and patience he gave her the words she had forgotten.

And with trembling, but confident steps, she walked out into the world again, with him close to her, his hand on her back; as a reminder of everything he had taught her. She gave him a searching look, smiled at his nod, and raised her chin to meet the people in front of her. She handed money to the cashiers with confidence, got out of buses with balance and stability, and spoke with strength and depth. She smiled, and his gaze softened as he saw it. She turned to look at him, to let her eyes rest upon the face that had spoken the language no one else had, and she saw his pride. But something else was hidden in him, something unreadable. She closed her eyes when the fear paralyzed her.

For she had learned to speak, to live and to walk. She had found her place in a world that previously seemed to be inhospitable and cold, but it led to a bond with a man. And suddenly she realized the vulnerability of safety. The fear that he would disappear. The lost of him when he wasn’t near. Suddenly she realized that this, this was just temporary and that he, when he became old and tired, would wither away.

She stared at him with tear-filled eyes and his worried frown had been formed again, just like before. But this part of life he couldn’t help her with, for not even his wisdom could stop the time.

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Anonymous asked:
But I don't have anything to stay for

justablueumbrella:

Yes you do.  Please talk to me.

I didn’t believe that getting better was going to happen to me either.  I figured there was no point.  I swore that nothing would ever become of me, that all the dreams of good things happening were unrealistic.  But I stuck around, and eventually they really did start happening.   I’m not just saying that.  My life completely turned around.  Depression ends.  I promise.  Even if this feeling is all you can remember so far.  Absolutely everything about your life is going to change in the next couple of years.  Some of them happen gradually, sometimes you’ll be taken by surprise.  And there are moments here and there where you really do FEEL things changing, you feel the depression actually lift a tiny bit more off your shoulders here and there, and you start to understand things so much more bit by bit.  It happens.  And it’s amazing.  It’s worth enduring this pain.  What happens after this is worth all of this.  That is my promise, from my own experience, and from experience of everyone I know who’s gone through this.    Life, and your future in it, is WAY bigger than the hopeless period you’re in now.  Listen to the tiny, trying, strong voice that’s still telling you to power through all this.  That’s the voice that has it right.  And if you listen to it, your bright future will be real.

A lot of people love you – a lot more than you think.  A LOT more.  I’ve seen way too many families and communities torn apart by suicide, no matter what their relationships with the person were like before.  Suicide changes everything for family and friends, permanently.  Yours would never be able to live or think or breathe or love or laugh the same way ever again.  People love you.  Even if not all of those people are the ones who are physically around you.  Think about all your followers here, and all the friends in your life you haven’t met yet.  They all love you and wish they could give you a hug and tell you how worthy you are.  Most importantly, in the coming years of your life, you’re going to meet so many new people and have new experiences that are going to change your perspective on everything.

You’re not going to die yet.  You’ve got a long way to go first.  You’re going to recover from this, graduate school, travel all over, find a career you love, find a person you love and friends who love you, do everything you’ve always wanted and more, have amazing experiences, thoughts and feelings, and all the ups and downs that happen in between.  You’re going to experience this world before you leave it.

You are a human being. That automatically means that your mind is full of infinite, unique galaxies different from anyone else’s, and that your body will keep you alive tirelessly, even when you don’t want it to.  You are literally made from stardust.  You are supposed to be here, you were born for a reason, and you are a miracle.  Dying now would be like setting fire to your brand-new Ferrari just because the gas prices were high one week — an enormous waste and a terrible idea.  You are worth your future.

You are smart and loving and curious and beautiful and full of potential.  You were meant to be here, we know that because you exist.  You deserve to be here, to take up the space that you do, but you don’t deserve this depression that’s been hurting you.  It’s a medical illness that’s very real, not your fault, and most importantly, a temporary blip of your life.   You need to stay.  You are young, too, which means everything.  This world is yours, and this world is going to love you.

The depression that’s telling you to believe bad things about yourself is a mental illness, and mental illnesses have to do with chemical imbalances in the brain.  It might easily be triggered by bullying or life events, of course, but it is an actual sickness, and has nothing to do with who you are or what you’re worth or how tough you are.  It’s a sickness that happens to attack you in a different way than other diseases.  Instead of breaking down a part of the body, it tries to break down your own mind and sense of self.  It hurts and aches on a very deep level, and it tries to tell you lies about yourself — lies like “you’re worthless”,  ”you’re stupid”, and the worst lie of all, “yeah, you deserve this pain”.  You do not deserve any of it.  This is not fair to you.  And it’s not your fault.  Your depression is a bully.  And the bullies are wrong, about everything.  I believe you when you say you want to die, that feeling is real, and it’s your depression’s fault that that feeling exists in your mind.  You have to remind yourself that those voices are all lying, and that you are stronger.  <3  They won’t be around forever, and you are going to do amazing things.

You CAN get through tonight.  And you will.  I wish I was there to give you a hug because I know it’s going to be really painful to get through the night.  But you’ve just got to.   I’m here for you.

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