March of the Fluffies - Puffy Griffons

Vanner, April 9, 2014; 16:55 / FB 20264
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March of the Fluffies: Puffy Griffons
>Your fluffy sits quietly in front of the TV, although she’s clearly quivering with excitement.
>Well it is Wednesday, and it is time for her favorite show.
>Turn on the TV
>The velvety smooth voice of Morgan Freeman wafts through your speakers like pipe tobacco through a smoking jacket.
>"Spaghetti Warehouse presents… March of the Fluffies."
>Cue montage of fluffies drowning, walking off cliffs, pummeling each other with ineffective, marshmallow like hooves.
>The scene opens on a regular fluffy pony barreling down an alley at top speed
>Of course, top speed for an average fluffy is a blistering 2 miles per hour.
>The camera switches view as the fluffy comes to the slow realization that this alley was a dead end; a trap for fluffy ponies.
>In the background, thick German accents echo though the abandoned alley with loud cries of “Dweeb! Dweeb! Dweeb!”
>Fluffy pony wet himself in terror as the silhouettes fill the only way out of the alley.
>With the setting sun to their backs, the fluffy pony can barely see what horrors stalk him.
>It’s only another moment before the silhouettes focus on the feathered heads of three beaked faces.
>”Ve gut you now, Dveeb!”
>The camera pans away as the screaming fades into Morgan Freeman’s dulcet voice.
>”Scenes like his one play out all across the streets of Berlin and Munich, for they are home to puffy griffons.”
>Scene changes to a half cat/ half bird creature, perching on a fence post in the middle of Berlin, quietly preening its feathers as he waits.
>”In Europe, the fluffy pony hasn’t ravaged the landscape like they have in North America. Tight controls on bio-toys prevented that disaster before it even started.”
>”Yet much like raccoons brought over by furriers in the early twentieth century, the fluffies escaped their homes and habitats, and threatened the forests and fields of Germany.”
>Camera change to a scientist sitting at a desk, a puffy griffon curled up in his lap like a cat.
>”It is our fault zat the floofy ponies came here in ze first place,” he says.
>Good lord, that accent.
>”Ve had out people in the states bring us a few of them so zat we could study their genetic codes, and learn the secrets that Hasbio vanted to keep from the vorld.”
>”Of course, ve too vanted exotic house pets,” the scientist continues. “”Ze market potential for somezing like that is limitless in potential. Our sources inside Hasbio gave us ze codes and techniques ve needed to create no just another foofy pony, but somezing entirely new.”
>Wipe to a laboratory where canister of pink fluid suspends speckled eggs.
>”Rather zen ze live birth, ve decided to use DNA from kestrals und ze common kitty cat to create our toys.”
>The camera pans down to a table where a fluffy pony is strapped down.
>You cover your fluffy’s eyes when you see that the top of his head has been removed.
>”Wha goin on, daddeh?” she asks. “Bad owies?”
>”Yeah, bad owies, sweetie,” you say.
>It looks as if they’re flushing his brain with some sort of yellow liquid that looks suspiciously like Pine Sol.
>He stops trashing after a moment and just kind of stares off into space after their done with him; clearly alive, but with all traces of his sentience gone.
>”Vonce ve collected ze nanofloofys from ze brian, ve were able to use more advanced und efficient forms of genetic coding to make our pets better, smarter, und stronger than ze floofy ponies ever vere.”
>The scene again shifts to a puffy griffon nearly the size of a Saint Bernard playing with a large ball of string.
>”Unfortunately,” chimes in Morgan Freeman, “The first puffy griffons were far too large to be kept as household pets, and, though no stronger than a large dog, their fearsome claws proved too dangerous a more litigious society.”
>”Ve did our job too vell,” continues the scientist with an aire of disappointment. “Ve vere ordered to destroy the big griffons and make zem as small as ze floofies.”
>”Of course,” adds Mr. Freeman, “smaller is not always as easy.”
>There’s a minute long montage of failed puffy griffon variety, some with grossly bulbous heads, others with huge, malformed claws.
>Your own fluffy covers her own eyes and asks you “teww when scawy pawt ovah!”
>The scene eventually stops on an egg slowly cracking from the inside.
>After a moment, a small feathered head not unlike a kestrel chick pokes out.
>”Dveeb?”
>”But by the time the puffy griffon had been perfected, the fluffy pony menace had already taken hold in the United States, and the bio-toy market collapsed.”
>Picture of fluffies knocking over trash cans, harassing old people, eating lawns down to the dirt.
>”The original marketable griffon vas supposed to get along vith the floofy pony. Ve vere, after all, after ze same market, and who vouldn’t vant a pony und a griffon in zere house?”
>”But vhen ve discovered zat the floofy pony was such a menace to ze environment, we decided zat ve needed our own counter in case ze floofy ever escaped into Europe.”
>”And of course, ze did, but ve wvere ready for zem.”
>The scene cuts to a city park where a scant few fluffy ponies nervously look around the park while one feeds on a patch of grass.
>In the trees above them, a silent griffon moves through the branches like shadow warrior.
>”Even with strict restriction on Bio-Toy imports,” says Morgan Freeman, “the fluffy pony found its way across the ocean and into the cities of Europe.”
>”But a total lack of legal protection, as well as a distain for the pests, led to tiny populations of fluffy ponies across Europe, and in some areas, a complete lack of them.”
>One of the fluffies strains to look above him, but misses the tell-tale waggle of the griffon’s tail.
>From seemingly nowhere, three griffons move in perfect harmony to pounce upon the prey below.
>”But the puffy griffons aren’t perfect either,” continues Morgan Freeman, “and some fluffies proved a match for their European cousins.”
>The fluffy Pegasus that had been eating the grass is bowled over by the griffon gliding into him like a missile.
>A moment later the dull beak is tearing the wings of the helpless fluffy as the unicorn and earth fluffy battle behind him.
>The earth fluffy, larger and stronger than his unicorn and Pegasus friends, makes headway against his puffy opponent with ferocious hoof blows that send the puffy griffon to the ground.
>”Ugwy meanie munsta git big stompies!” yells the earth fluffy.
>He doesn’t even see the other griffon flanking him, and soon the earth fluffy is drug to the ground by the puffy griffons claw and beak.
>The two puffy griffons each hold a hoof with their claws before gouging the earth fluffies eyes with their hooked beaks.
>”Working in packs, two puffy griffons are a match for even the biggest earth fluffy,” says Mr. Freeman.
>”But the biggest danger for puffies is the sparks of the fluffy unicorn.”
>The final fluffy, a unicorn, puffs out his cheeks at the griffon, contorting his face into fierce grimace.
>”Dummeh musta gow way!”
>”Daddeh wook! Sparkwies!”
>Sure enough, the unicorn’s horn sends cool sparks towards the griffon to devastating effect.
>The sparks catch against the feathers of the puffy griffon and in a moment, he is completely engulfed in flames.
>”Parts of the puffy griffons genetic code were borrowed from sea fluffies,” says Morgan Freeman. >“Their waterproof fluff served as an admirable base for the feathers of the fluffy griffon, but it wasn’t known at the time that they were highly flammable.”
>The puffy griffon dives into a nearby fountain, only to emerge a moment later, sopping wet and sobbing heavily.
>The other griffons turn to each other, and make a break for the trees.
>”Dat wight you dummehs!” yells the unicorn. “Gif you aww biggest owi…”
>The unicorn is interrupted by savage mauling of a large German shepard.
>The camera fades away to a play pen full of puffy griffon chicks playing with balls and blocks, much like any fluffy ponies would.
>”I didn’t like the puffies at first,” says an man sitting next to a large, black earth fluffy and an slightly smaller puffy griffon.
>The creatures stare at each other with suspicion as their owner talks.
>”Kaiser here kept antagonizing Bingo, and Bingo would beat the crap out of him.”
>”But they became friends after a while, which just goes to show that genetic programing isn’t everything.”
>”Isn’t that right boys?”
>”Ja, mistar!” squawks the puffy griffon.
>”Inuwbidabwy, Govenah,” says the fluffy.
>Wait, did that fluffy have a British accent?
>”Still,” continues the man. “The problems with puffy griffons aren’t as bad as they were with fluffies when they first came out.”
>”They don’t’ drown, they don’t explode, they don’t reproduce like crazy. They can glide if they jump from enough height, and most of all, they’re obedient.”
>”Kaiser es good poofy, ja?”
>”Still, like any bio toy, they have their downsides,” continues the owner. “They’re kind of vain…”
>Switch scene to Kaiser sitting in front of a mirror, admiring himself.
>”kind of rude…”
>Scene of Kaiser sticking his tongue out at Bingo.
>”And I could really do without the presents he leaves me.”
>Scene of Kaiser dropping an entire taco onto his owner’s lap.
>The camera changes to the black fluffy. A banner tells you his name is Bingo.
>”Kaiser nawt bad fow a Kwaut,” says the fluffy. “He a big dummeh at fiwst, but Bingo wearn to be fweinds wif dah scamp. Kaiser betteh den dummeh Fwenchie dwagon.”
>You have no idea what that fluffy is talking about.
>”Stateside, the puffy griffon never caught on like its more equine cousin,” continues Mr. Freeman.
>”Fluffy boutique rarely import the majestic beasts, as regular fluffies are deathly afraid of the puffy griffon.”
>The scene changes to a puffy griffon snuggled into a fluff pile with a spider fluffy and a majestic golden alicorn fluffy.
>”But the irregular fluffies?”
>The pile snores quietly as the camera pans back to Mr. Freeman, sitting in his marvelous red leather chair.
>”It seems as if those fluffies rejected by others come together. Here, there are no monsters, only friends.”
>Morgan freeman reaches down, and scratches the spider fluffy’s head.
>”Join us next time when we visit the mysterious and wonder fluffy alicorn.”
>”Only on March of the Fluffies.”