[FXMc2UzBsy4] Update: Locked Up and Forced Drugging?

Update: Locked Up and Forced Drugging?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXMc2UzBsy4
Transcribed Mar 19 2020

["Sorry for long vid"]
["(required backstory)"]
This update is really overdue and that's partly because my OCD is so bad that sometimes I can't even get to the computer for any length of time enough to do something like this. I also need to say, please stop asking Phil how I am because me and Phil aren't really in each other's lives anymore, and I really appreciate you guys asking how I am, don't get me wrong, but it's -- I think it's really annoying for him. It's my responsibility to update you people on how I'm doing, so...
["Why I am in hospital"]
As you could probably see, I'm in hospital, and I've now been here for 8 months. A lot of you might know that for eleven years, I've been suffering with a specific and quite underacknowledged type of OCD called Metaphysical Contamination OCD. I've put a link in the description to a proper video about that if you want to check it out, but basically what it is, instead of being scared of dirt or germs or disease, I perceive anything that has a link to my childhood as contaminated; it's more like an emotional contamination, so it's very dangerous or impossible for me to have... interactions with anything that I believe has a link to my past. So, for example, if a food product or a certain brand of food is manufactured by a company that's headquartered in my hometown or something like that, I'll perceive all items of that food product as contaminated, so if someone walked past me with one of these food items, I would feel contaminated by that, and everything that I then touched, I would pass the contamination onto and so on and so forth. So, my whole life is consumed by trying to either avoid this contamination or to reverse it when it happens by doing cleaning rituals, and that's where my OCD is similar to the more standard presentation. But just to give an idea of how severe this has become, it's sometimes like living with no house because the amount of things that I cannot touch is so vast that I've stopped being able to get food for myself, I've stopped being able to get water for myself, I can't wash myself, I can't dress myself, you know, Social Services found me malnourished, dehydrated, severely underweight with flies on me, and that's kind of why I ended up in hospital. For the past ten years, I have really struggled to access therapy for this condition, not least because there's a debate about what diagnosis should be given to me. Know when OCD is so severe it can be diagnosed as psychosis, don't think there's any shame in having a diagnosis of psychosis or anything like that, but ultimately I do have insight into the fact that the contamination isn't actually real and that my beliefs around it are irrational, even though knowing that doesn't make it have any less control over me than it does. Limited therapy for this previously, it hasn't worked because by the time I've reached the top of the waiting list, it had become so severe that I wasn't able to regularly attend those sessions due to the way my OCD was disabling me, and even when I did turn up to the sessions, I was so malnourished and dehydrated that I couldn't apply myself to what was being asked of me. So, the conclusion was really that I need something a bit more intensive; I need that therapy to come to me. There are specialist units in the UK for people with severe OCD, but the funding is very hard to come by. I did have a referral there a few years ago but it was canceled due to the fact that I moved house.
["Medication"]
["- IMPORTANT -"]
Now I need to explain the medication part of my journey. I've been on eleven different medications. When I started out, I remember actually being really jealous of some of my friends for being on psychiatric medication because, you know, it's not that easy to get a prescription for psych meds and I was like but you know, "Please just prescribe me this; put me on the highest dose, you know what I mean?" Unfortunately, they didn't seem to touch my OCD whatsoever and, in fact, most of them actually made me feel worse because of the side effects and it is true that some people are more susceptible to the side effects than other people. Now here's the thing: The last medication that I tried in 2014 gave me such a severe adverse reaction that it prompted my only serious suicide attempt and some of the side effects that I experienced are still with me today. The particular side effect that caused me to feel so suicidal is called akathisia. Akathisia, until recently, has been, like, really underacknowledged as well. A lot of people haven't even heard of the word akathisia. What it is, and saying it like this doesn't give it justice, but the definition for it is, "an intense sense of inner restlessness that manifests as an inability to sit still." That's kind of like saying that Hitler was mildly annoying. Guys, I'm not exaggerating, this was by far the single most traumatic experience of my entire life and that's saying something. Feels like the middle of your bones is on fire unless you're constantly moving, but no matter how much you do get up and move, it never quite satiates the urge. If you try and stay still, it physically hurts; it feels like you're gonna die and it's accompanied by this mental restlessness as well, this just absolute panic and terror for no good reason, nothing's causing it, it's just there 24/7. I paced until my feet bled, I didn't get any sleep, I lost a lot of weight, I didn't know what was happening to me, but I had been given one dose, the lowest does, and the akathisia went on for five months and all of the doctors were telling me that this is not possible, "It should be out of your system by now, you must be -- It must be psychosomatic, what you're experiencing. It must be an extension of your, you know, the anxiety that you already have," and I believed them and I thought to myself, "Well, okay, I'm experiencing the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and if it is psychosomatic, there's not really any reason why it would go away," and that's why I sought to end my life. I ended up having a hospital admission just because of it, and one of the nurses there said to me, "This looks like akathisia." When I got out of hospital, I found a support group and I feel like I owe my life to this support group because this support group educated me and they said, "No, it doesn't matter what the doctors are saying. It is actually more common than people think for it to go on for a long time even after you've stopped the medication. It will go away," they said. I hung on and, sure enough, it did eventually go away, but I still have other things from that medication, such as tinnitus, visual snow, and, embarrassingly, sexual dysfunction that has never gone away. Whilst I've kind of made peace with those things, I really, really, really, really don't want to be medicated again.
["What's going on NOW"]
So, back to the present time, I got admitted to the acute psychiatric ward in October last year. I was there for four months and then I was transferred to the recovery ward and the plan was for me to start receiving that I need here at the recovery ward. I was an informal patient, which means that [I] was not detained under the Mental Health Act and I was not being medicated because I had voiced my fears around medication and they had been listened to, but what happened was that, literally, the week that I moved here, the therapist went on leave for 16 weeks, so I've deteriorated very badly after opening up the the therapist at the previous hospital about things that I've never talked about before, and then coming here, the adjustment, and the lack of further therapy. I was presenting so badly that it prompted what's called a Mental Health Act assessment. Long story short, I had three of these Mental Health Act assessments, have passed the first two, but on the third one, I was found detainable and now I'm under section 3 which means that I cannot leave. I'm detained for six month blocks, it gets reviewed every six months but it's basically like there's no end to it until something changes and, most importantly, it means that now, medication will be enforced. I'm to get given the chance to take the tablets orally tomorrow and I've been told that if I don't do that I will be restrained and I will be forcefully injected and that is completely legal because I am detained. The thing that's so infuriating about this is that I got detained two days before the therapist got back and the outcome of my previous MHAs was that I would be given the chance to show that I can improve with therapy alone and if that didn't work then I would leave them no choice but to detain me and forcefully medicate me but that no longer stands. I feel like I barely survived my last run-in with akathisia and I will not survive it if it happens again. This is just gonna sound ridiculous now, but there is evidence to suggest that in a very small number of cases, akathisia can persist for years if not forever, and to me that is literally a fate worse than death. Even if I don't get side effects initially, there's every every chance of them developing later on or even as I try to come off the drug eventually, and even if no side effects happen whatsoever, I am so consumed by the fear of them because of what happened to me with the previous medication, that I'm probably gonna -- I probably am gonna imagine awful side effects in it and have it happen to my psychosomatically. Anyway, I've got an appointment with my solicitor tomorrow, but let's be really, nobody who ever goes to a tribunal about being sectioned wins, right? It was just a crazy person, I don't have a good enough understanding to allow me to make a decision about what substances go into my body and what don't.