gay

“Tom. Hey, Tom.” The words sank in slowly as I came into consciousness.

“Tom, are you awake?” I heard my brother ask, his deep voice straining to maintain a soft whisper.

I opened my eyes slowly and, turning my head, found that I could see the faint outline of his face upside-down in the darkness, staring intently at me as he leaned over the side of the bunk. It almost startled me like it had when I was younger, but it had become too routine for him to get a laugh out of spooking me anymore.

“I am now,” I said, voice still hoarse. “What is it?” I stared up at his mattress. I had a sinking feeling of what it was, but I was thankfully still too tired for my voice to be shaky.

“I can’t sleep,” he said expectantly.

“So?” I turned away, my body facing the wall now. “Why’d I have to wake up for that?”

A long silence as my eyes went so still I could see all sorts of shapes moving along the wall in squiggly patterns before they burst into static along the edges of my vision. I hoped to hear the sound of him settling back into bed.
Several minutes dragged past and I felt stifled by the overpowering stillness.

“Tom?”

I didn’t say anything. Maybe if I didn’t answer he’d think I’d gone back to sleep.

My ears were filled with the sound of rustling covers and the light thud of his feet settling onto the floor.

No.

“Tom?”

I felt his hand reach out and lightly touch the covers.

No. No.

I immediately curled up on myself, shifting to try and remain out of his reach.

“Wh-what?” I still didn’t turn around.

Please go away, please go away.

Another long pause as he stood there in the darkness. I knew he was staring, watching, waiting. Just like every time.
“P-Please just leave m-me alone. Please.” I could feel something hot and wet roll down my cheek and realized I’d started to cry. I hated the feeling.

Silence.

Then, without warning, he reached out again, this time gripping my arm firmly. I curled up even more tightly and the tears just kept rolling down until everything was wet with them.

As I felt him leaning his weight on the mattress, I began to sob aloud, in great choking gasps.

“Shut up!” he whispered loudly. “Shut up right now!”

That only made me cry louder.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” he tried to reach around and cover my mouth but I kept moving around too much.

A sudden creak interrupted him and the door slowly opened. Light poured in from the hall but my eyes were too blurred with tears to see anything.

“Are you two OK?” My mother’s sweet voice was more comforting to me than anything else in the world at that moment.
I wanted to answer her, but a huge lump in my throat wouldn’t let the words come out.

“He’s fine, Mom. He just had a nightmare,” my brother said. He finally let go and slid himself back into his bunk.
She walked softly to me, her feet rubbing gently against the carpet, before sitting down beside me and stroking my hair. I still didn’t turn around.

“Was it a bad nightmare, sweetie?” she asked as I began to relax against her touch.

I nodded.