Don't read this or you'll get aids.

Today has been just a big total fuck up on purpose.
And I actually didn't want today to happen at all.
You know
Being so nice actually fucking kills me internally.
You'll see today as me being a giant piece of shit. I promise you that.
And I'm going to be a bigger cunt and bigger asshole.
I don't even give a shit if you're screensharing or telling people.
Because I want them to know. g 0 0 d
Just remember this day.
I absolutely am at a total loss and honestly
I don't exactly know.
I'm angry at the world.
And absolutely hate the challenges I've got to face and had to face.
It's like going into a match in apex and having two guys shoot at a full squad but that full squad ignoring them and goes for me.
Do you know how hard it is to actually take on a full squad alone
I actually had a great time tonight. Some shit matches, some good matches. a 750 damage match with 1 kill.
but I had three fucking wins today
But my life is one big game of apex. get a win, take 50 losses.
199 damage to a guy and last bullet shot. then the other two guys and him mow me down.
It's that almost moment
that one bullet
I've got so many of those in real life and in game and online.
No matter how much I've helped and have been kind.
Not talking about you or helix or willow
But in general.
It actually angers me
in my past and present, and in the future it will always be the same
I don't ask for anything in return, and I don't want appreciation.  I don't want anything from anyone.
I just want some good fucking luck for once.
I'm the only motherfucker to step on a lego in a room with pillows as a floor. lmao
Do you know how much it sucks fucking ass to actually be nice and get shit luck.
And watch assholes be assholes and get good luck?
It's painful dude.
It's painful to the point where being nice is actually excruciating and internally just eats me away and drains me.
I don't want donations from running a server. I don't want friends to help me or give me shit when I'm down on my knees.
I just want some good luck.
Not to feel lucky.
I just want good things to come my way one day.
And once in a while I will get that.
But then after that it's a big straight kick in the dick.
Or
Well you can have this but then we're going to give this to them
It's like finding the last popsicle in the fridge that's your favorite and your friend finding the last yogurt you were looking all over for yesterday.
So today I decided to just full send it
I don't want the compliments or kindness. I'd rather you be pissed at me and angry.
Yell all you want.
This is the last good thing I do for a long while.
I just am wanting to play Apex
I want to have fun and have good matches.
I want to actually get some kills and finally win.
I don't want to think about my life at all right now.
And I don't want to be so pessimistic or have this mindset.
Hearing about bettering myself? Hearing about my future.
Hearing about how you work your way up
what a laugh
I've been setup to fail since day one.
betrayed by your own mother.
Kicked during every go ahead.
Buried under paperwork and paperwork
bloodwork and blood work
experimented on with pills.
I've had so many good moments just taken away from me during school years.
I've had so many fucking situations pulled from me out of my hands out of my control.
I've had to put up with peoples shit so much.
Mentally chained to location and location
Having no friends because you've had to move year after year
Having family members throw you under moving cars
being blamed or stepped on
accused
basically just shit on.
Working really hard in life just to have it all tossed away.
I'm no genius
I would have to be a genius in life. I would have to work triple as hard as Willow to actually support myself in life.
I don't fucking want that.
Why work and do so much hard shit in life for a society and life that literally means nothing to me as much as I mean to that society and to life itself.
I don't want you to stand there and pick me up while I'm down.
I can pick myself up. But I'm coming back full anger and frustration.
I play Apex and Rust for the toxicity
I play Rust just to hear retards act like themselves for once
Instead of seeing a fucking mask on society.
So Jose. I'm serious. You do what you have to do. You do what you need to do.'
I'm so fucking tired. Mentally exhausted. I am so excruciatingly tired of living. I'm not suicidal at all. Not even bare bottom
But jesus christ just put a bullet in my fucking skull.
https://youtu.be/H8onu16J6eE
https://youtu.be/w28NKJJHPZM