notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 12

Nov 20th, 2014
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  1. So last chapter some stuff happened and Steve is a evil pegasus spy/voyeur in Ponyland and knows Lyra and some shit. Nobody cares at this point, right?
  2.  
  3. >Chapter 24: The missing time
  4. I miss the time I've lost over this as well.
  5.  
  6. >I don't know what happened to human.
  7. That's some pretty deep shit right there. I must say that I'm already impressed with the quality of this chapter.
  8.  
  9. >All what I know is, everything is other.
  10. The great German philosophers:
  11. Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, Immanuel Kant, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, Arthur Schopenhauer, Karl Marx, Friedrich Nietzsche, Martin Heidegger, Ludwig Wittgenstein and Andre.
  12.  
  13. >Our world populous by colourful ponies. I don't know how this is possible but the whole world chanced.
  14. There really is a point where escapism and misanthropy-light becomes harmful. I think a frightening large share of fanfiction writers might find themselves somewhere around that point.
  15.  
  16. >They looked as they are a new kind of "intelligence life form".
  17. Now, Steve hasn't seen the show, but there really are times when I would hesitate to call parts of the cast "intelligent". Luckily, they've all stayed safely within the realm of "life-forms". At least so far.
  18.  
  19.  
  20.  
  21.  
  22. >But now I have a mission, to find out what happened with the humans and how this ponies originated.
  23. You know what, I might like Steve better than I like John. Which is like saying I prefer Ebola over the Black Death, but at least Steve has a reasonable mission, even if his methods, character and plot all suck. John had a similar idea, but it was as a sideplot to the... horrible... DASHII shipping, which was his entire purpose in the story.
  24.  
  25. >A dragon said, "Sup? Who are you?"
  26. >"Sup?"
  27. >Spike said, "Ok hello my name is Spike and I am a baby dragon and yes Twilight is here. Wait a moment."
  28. I need a moment. He never even asked about the dragon thing.
  29. Andre. DYEWTS? Do you even give a shit? Do you even try? How hard is it to get Spike, of all characters, right? He's hardly a difficult character to write dialogue for.
  30.  
  31. >Connor asked, "Hello, my name is Steve Connor,
  32. "Why yes, Steve Connor is a perfectly regular pony name. Stop asking questions, little dragon, or I'll make you into a pair of military-grade dragon-skin slippers."
  33.  
  34. >Spike said, "Ok Steve come inside."
  35. This is too easy. I'll pass.
  36.  
  37. >Steve asked, "WHAT CLOUDSTALE?"
  38. "It's where the old, stale clouds go to die."
  39. We're almost 25 chapters, and thousands of words into this fic. Yet not a single time, not even once, has Andre written Cloudsdale correctly.
  40.  
  41.  
  42.  
  43. >Steve said, "WOHA WOHA stop are you kidding me? A town in the clouds?"
  44. I'm just waiting for him to be accused of being a changeling. Think about it. New pony shows up out of nowhere, no cutiemark, no proper name, and he knows nothing of Equestria. That should set your changeling-alarms off. I'd attack first and ask question later.
  45.  
  46. >Twilight smiled, "Yes of course every Pegasus live there?"
  47. "It's one of the hallmarks of modern racial segregation! By keeping all non ground-certified pegasi out of the gene pool, we're building a stronger future for Equestria!"
  48.  
  49. >Steve said, "Yea Twilight ehm ... my name is Steve Connor I am 30 years old and I forgot where I live or what happened here. I have no idea about live since I ... I hit a rock extremely."
  50. Steve breathed out, glad to have delivered such a convincing argument. Now he could finally react. There was no way the purple unicorn could see through this cover-story. Truly the hallmark of a great CIA agent.
  51.  
  52. For the record, I'd also like some authors to "hit a rock extremely", if you know what I mean.
  53. As homo as you want it to be.
  54.  
  55. >Steve said, "No I ... I just ask for a history book about the complete history of Equestria."
  56. Yeah, way to go Twilight. Give the amnesiac a book on Equestrian history. That is likely to make him remember that everyday in-and-outs of life. What would we ever have needed to do if there was a problem that books couldn't solve?
  57.  
  58.  
  59.  
  60. >A pink pony said, "HEEEEEY IS THIS THE NEW GUY, HEY I AM PINKIE PIE I LIKE PARTIES DO YOU LIKE PARTIES I LIKE PARTIES BECAUSE EVERYPONY HERER LIKE PARTIES!
  61. Knightly, you probably don't know who I am, and you've probably never offered me an ounce of attention. But I beg of you, not as an individual, but as a fellow human being:
  62. Please make and enforce a law that prohibits authors that are disliked and/or unskilled from ever writing about Pinkie. She's such a hard character to get right, and the only thing the current system gives us a relentless assault on the mental well-being of readers everywhere.
  63.  
  64. >A third one, "Hey I am Rarity, oh your clothes looked ... other never seen clothing like this before."
  65. Good thing Dress Horse doesn't have a personality, right? She just talks about clothes all the time.
  66.  
  67. >And the last one. "HEY DUDE I am Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all Equestria. Hey man nice you are a Pegasus too maybe we can flight together? I can show you some nice tricks."
  68. "YEAH DUDE, I'm up for some gnarly tricks and radical manoeuvres. Call me bro. Seriously."
  69.  
  70. >Twilight rose a eyebrow then she said, "No never heard of humans? Are they a new kind of pony?"
  71. "They usually take the form of red and black alicorns, and are prone to wearing unfashionable head-wear, smelly clothes, and katanas."
  72.  
  73.  
  74.  
  75. >Steve asked her, "Twilight is it possible to visit the princess. Earlyer I was an good agent and I wanted to do the job again. Maybe she needs someone like me?"
  76. "Yeah, I know that I had amnesia, but I totally remembered that I was a awesome spy, and I now want a job spying for the Equestria State. Just by chance. These amnesias sure are weird."
  77.  
  78. >She asked him, "Hey dude wanna fly?"
  79. Dash, have you ever considered that there are problems in life that can't be solved by FLYING AT THE SPEED OF SOUND, QUICKEST PEGASUS AROUND!
  80.  
  81. >Connor said in anger, "DID YOU NOT LISTEN I SAID NO NO MEANS NO!" ARE YOU DEAF OR SOEMTHING! GOD THE HELL GO AWAY!" and Steve pushed her away.
  82. No means no Dash. Men can get raped as well. Lay off.
  83.  
  84. >It becomes evening. The sun starts to set down. Steve walked back to Lyras house. Then he heard her screaming.
  85. >Then Connor saw it. A lot of changelings stood in front of them.
  86. Time for some completely unexplained action! This is what happens when a story is so boring that even the self-stroking writer is getting tired/a sore dick, and he needs a "action break".
  87.  
  88. >Then he transformed back into a human. The changelings stopped their attack immediately.
  89. "Steve immediately assumed helicopter-dick stance, where he proceeded to give the show of a life-time as a way to assert dominance over this vile beasts, in the fashion that was common amongs male humans."
  90.  
  91.  
  92.  
  93. >After arriving in Lyras house they started to talk.
  94. >Lyra asked Steve, "Have you found out something?"
  95. "The males here are easily frightened and subdued by my penis size and sexual endurance. I have made a chart proving it."
  96.  
  97. >Lyra smiled. Then she came closer to him, "Hey if you finished your work tomorrow, maybe we can do something together?"
  98. She want's the hairless monkey D. What a shocking turn of events!
  99.  
  100. >Connor looked at her and said, "You're not serious, are you? Am I look as I would go out with a pony mare? Really sorry but search someone ... somepony who wants to go outside with you."
  101. What, mint-vagoo isn't good enough for you? Is that it? Are you some sort of gay queerosexual faaggot?
  102.  
  103. >Steve thought, "OMG please don't cry now!"
  104. Steve is a grown, well-dressed man in his 40s, standing near a mint-pony, who he has just refused to fill with creamy mint filling, crying "OMG" because said horse is crying.
  105. Let that sink in for a minute. This entire scene.
  106. Then consider that out there is some kraut that thought this was a good idea. Who believes in the authenticity of this scene.
  107.  
  108. >Connor said, "Ey come on there are enough colts who wants to go out with you."
  109. "Of course, none of them offer my superb sexual characteristics, size and stamina. You did consult the chart, right?"
  110.  
  111.  
  112.  
  113. >Connor went to her bathroom, took a shower and went to his bed.
  114. Fin. Andre's characters just never seem to go for that horse-vagina, do they? It's always the mare who initiates. I'd say this might be a femdom thing, but it's more likely that Andre just doesn't know how to talk to girls, and instead translates his dream scenarios into his pony-writing.
  115.  
  116.  
  117.  
  118. >Chapter 25: Cloudstale
  119. I'd argue about the constant misspelling, but that joke has gotten stale by now.
  120.  
  121. >Steve Connor woke up at 7am. He took a shower. Lyra was already awake.
  122. So this stupid chucklefuck lives with Lyra now. Why the hell not. All the characters in the Andre-verse are already screwed beyond saving. We're only left to suffer with the aftermath.
  123.  
  124. >Lyra said, "Steve, sorry about yesterday ... I ... I wouldn't disturb you."
  125. A quick reminder to everyone out there that aren't Ander-verse loremasters:
  126. By saying "disturb", she really "offer my mint mare pussy".
  127.  
  128. >Steve said, "No, no it´s ok, I wasn't very fine to you yesterday too."
  129. Again, what he really means is:
  130. "Sorry for cuntswatting your lyre-embellished ass".
  131.  
  132. >Connor aborted her, "That means not that I want to go out with you!"
  133. There are other things that should have been aborted, but we're about 19 years too late.
  134.  
  135. >Connor said, "I am a Pegasus pony I want to visit Cloudstale today."
  136. "That's where all the cool flying horses hang out, right?"
  137.  
  138.  
  139.  
  140. >Lyra asked him, "But you cant already fly?"
  141. No worries. Steve is a Mary Sue, and therefore unaffected by the laws of logic and reason.
  142.  
  143. >Connor went to his bag. I have some technical stuff with me. Before I arrived here I had a mission. He dig in his bag.
  144. I love how this isn't even dialogue. It's just full first-person narrative in the middle of the chapter for no reason.
  145.  
  146. >Connor said, "Now you are right, I cant fly actually but I have a wing suit with me. Not a normal. With a normal one you jump from something high like a mountain and you try to land then. This one is a bit other I will jump from one of these mountains and try to fly to cloudstale."
  147. Yes. Flawless plan. Steve, the 40 year old pink CIA-ape will use a wingsuit to glide from a mountain to a city full of flying horses. Without being seen. And getting back down safely.
  148. Why the fuck would he even bring a wingsuit? Wasn't he going to find John in his office? I'm not a city-dweller, but I doubt you need a wingsuit to get into a office-building.
  149.  
  150. >Lyra looked at him, "Yes but with your human body, you cant land on a cloud. The most place is made by clouds."
  151. >Steve answered, "I try to land on something firm then I transform into my Pegasus."
  152. Would... would that work? Can non-pegasi stand on planks or platforms built on top of clouds?
  153.  
  154.  
  155.  
  156. >Lyra said, I don't know but some Pegasus said there is ... a kind of factory ... everypony who tried to get there ... they are like fallen off the face of the earth."
  157. A mysterious factory... in Cloudsdale. Is it finally happening? Is this the moment I've been looking forwards to? Are we going to experience Rainbow Factory Retardation?
  158.  
  159. >Later on an mountain:
  160. Because the mountain-climbing process wasn't an important part of this story. Let's just skip it. Seems smart.
  161.  
  162. >I cant remember that New York City had mountains.
  163. John apparently didn't only fuck up humanity, he also fucked up so hard that the world has been experiencing massive tectonic changes.
  164.  
  165. >Here I am. On a mountain. It was cold. I don't know how many metres I am above the ground but ok let´s go.
  166. Truly a study in minimalism.
  167.  
  168. >He had an Data pad with it. He looked how many oxygen he needs until he arrived cloudstale.
  169. I don't know shit about this, but would you really need oxygen to glide from a mountaintop and into Cloudsdale?
  170.  
  171.  
  172.  
  173. >pic
  174. Are there wingsuits in CoD now? Finally this all makes sense. Andre is a massive CoD-kid, and he jams things into his story because he thinks they're neat. He already added a drone for no reason at all earlier on, and now it's this. I wouldn't be surprised if just about everything in this story is ripped off something else in a rather direct way.
  175.  
  176. >Steve said to himself, "Ok ... 3, 2, 1, GO!"
  177. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAczwhihCyk [Embed]
  178. I'm going to go listen to Yoko Kanno now.
  179.  
  180. >He felt.
  181. >He felt...
  182. ">tfw you're a shitty self-insert in a shitty my little pony story written by a adult german man"
  183.  
  184. >He felt to get speed. Then he raised up. WUUUUHM!
  185. If the power of feels could give you super-speed and an erection, 4chan would be a much more interesting place.
  186.  
  187.  
  188.  
  189. >It begans to rain.
  190. "It of beginnings to rain".
  191.  
  192. >3 km above the ground but he needs 5 km to arrive it. His wing suit had a kind of jet propulsion, that's why he could fly higher and higher.
  193. If he had a fucking jetpack the entire time, why the fuck did he need to climb a mountain?
  194.  
  195. >Connor saw something flying. "Oh god, it´s really true. Flying ponies." and they were really fast. Faster as him.
  196. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
  197. Gotta go fast, gotta go fast,
  198. Gotta go faster, faster, faster, faster, faster
  199.  
  200. I shamelessly know then entire lyrics to that song.
  201.  
  202. >Connor spoke with himself, "I hope they won´t recognize me."
  203. Unless they've seen a mask-wearing man-ape with metallic wings and a jet engine strapped on his back before, there's nothing to recognize.
  204.  
  205. >Then he had an idea, "Pegasus ponies can walk on clouds, that means it must be a wall if they try to fly through them, ok maybe I can hide inside them."
  206. But that is blatantly false. Do you even watch the show? Besides, how are you going to hide in a cloud? Are you just going to switch off you jet engine and... stop?
  207.  
  208.  
  209.  
  210. >He started to hide in the clouds, "Ok I am save, but I have no idea where I have to fly now."
  211. >I am save
  212. This has to be some sort of bad joke. You can't just instantly stop your jet-powered wingsuit inside a cloud. It doesn't work like that.
  213.  
  214. >Another Pegasus said, "No, the weather is bad, maybe this Pegasus saw a ghost, we would see a strange creature like this."
  215. So the Wonderbolts, Equestria's top-trained fliers see a dark-clad, lanky figure with unnatural wings and a flame-spewing jet on his back, but when he disappears for a few sec, they all go:
  216. "Huh, must have been a ghost".
  217. Either this fic has stealth even more retardedly broken than Skyrim, or Equestria is haunted by the coolest aerial ghosts around.
  218.  
  219. >pic
  220. I'm just staggered by this monumental stupidity sometimes.
  221.  
  222. >Steve wait in the cloud.
  223. HOW ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? You're still in human form, you moron.
  224.  
  225. >After flying 30 minutes he saw it. Cloudstale. It was ... amazing. But Connor haven't go the time to gape about Cloudstale. He needs to find a place where he can land without to be discovered.
  226. Finally, a challenge.
  227.  
  228. >Then he said, "Ah found something."
  229. Fuck.
  230.  
  231.  
  232.  
  233. >It was a small place at the edge of the town.
  234. I'm on the edge of something else right now, but I'll leave it to your imagination to finish the sentence.
  235.  
  236. >In Cloudstale one mare notice the flying creature, "AAAAAAH LOOK! There is it again."
  237. "That's the third jet-ghost this week!"
  238.  
  239. >But before the Wonderbolts could turn his head, Steve was disappeared.
  240. I recently spent several days in the company of a German who spoke excellent English. I just hope people like Andre are a minority amongst the young Germans.
  241.  
  242. >One of the Wonderbolts said, "Calm down milady, everything is all right, we checked the space, there was nothing, it´s only the thunderstorm."
  243. >milady
  244. I have nothing further to add.
  245.  
  246. >pic
  247. "Is he tipping his hat at her?"
  248.  
  249.  
  250.  
  251. >He undress his wing suit and the other flying stuff.
  252. Equestria is like one big nudist colony anyway. You'll fit right in. And you never told us what you landed on, or how you aren't falling through the clouds.
  253.  
  254. >*BE A PEGASUS* he though.
  255. >He was a Pegasus again.
  256. I want a AnimorphsxMlp crossover now. Because no matter how shitty it will be, it will still be infinitely better than this.
  257.  
  258. >Steve walked through this town. It was amazed. He never seen something like this before. Suddenly somepony knocked at his shoulder.
  259. >She asked, "Hey you, never seen you here before, are you new?"
  260. Whoever this pony is, she should have knocked Steve's face, not his shoulder. She has doomed herself now.
  261.  
  262. >pic
  263.  
  264. >She introduce herself, "Hi my name is Spitfire, leader and teacher of the greatest wonderbolts."
  265. If there's any Spit-fags (or whatever the hell you call yourself) here, I apologize in advance. This might get ugly.
  266.  
  267.  
  268.  
  269. >pic
  270. She's already lost. Leave her, save yourself.
  271.  
  272. >Spitfire was shocked, "You never heard about the Wonderbolts, the great wonderbolts?"
  273. Why isn't anyone accusing him of being a changeling?
  274.  
  275. >Spitfire looked at him, "Well you are a special pony. But hey if you need something..."
  276. "Your pussy will be at the top of my list."
  277.  
  278. >Spitfire asked Steve, "Hey do you need a job?"
  279. This is where snowflakyness end and real Mary Sueing begins. EVERYONE loves/hates Andre's OCs. The entire universe revolves around them.
  280.  
  281. >Spitfire said, "Maybe you can work in the Rainbow Factory, they made the nicest rainbow there."
  282. Happening. The top of this entire retarded pyramid. We're getting there.
  283.  
  284. >Spitfire said, "Hey come on you don't believe this myth about the Rainbow Factory?"
  285. "Which I mention every time I talk about it, just to prove how untrue it is. Don't ask questions, or they'll never find your body".
  286.  
  287.  
  288.  
  289. >Spitfire declare him, "Well see some ponies believe, that the workers there make the rainbows with ponies, but this is bullshit, no pony would do that."
  290. Andre managed to spoil the point of Rainbow Factory before he even got there. That's how shitty of an author he is. The original story, bad as it is, is at leas better than this.
  291.  
  292. >Connor asked her, "Can you show me the Rainbow Factory?"
  293. >She answered, "Of course here we are."
  294. How convenient. How lazy. How stupid.
  295.  
  296. >Spitfire said, "Yes because normal rainbows are boring, our rainbows are so colourful and its a sign for freedom."
  297. "As the word 'Freedom' escaped her yellow lips and flew freely into the air, Steve could feel a mighty force awaken between his hind legs. He knew now that he had found his mate, and would have to mount her. Right here, right now. Together, they would breed the freest little foals Earth has ever seen, and raise them as good Equestrian-Americans. The future of America depended on his massive horse-penis.".
  298.  
  299. >Spitfire looked at him, "No problem, ok good luck maybe you have luck and you find a job. I have to go now, training you now, bye!"
  300. Well that sentence made little sense.
  301.  
  302. >Ok let´s see what this Rainbow Factory really is...
  303. Thus spoke Andre, as he endeth chapter 25. And it was a good thing.
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