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- >Day Hitched in Equestria
- >Wake up
- >Shit shower shave
- >Walk downstairs and prepare to end your average day morning ritual
- >To your slight disappointment, nothing interesting happens while you eat your cereal
- >Which sucks
- >Last month your food caught fire because you had accidently bought white phosphorus instead of oatmeal
- >That was a tough meal to stomach
- >Put your bowl in the kitchen sink and go to the front door, checking yourself in the mirror before you go
- >Open the door
- >Trip over Fluttershy
- >Slide along the floor
- Ugh...
- >"Good morning!"
- >Her friendly attitude is poisonous this early in the morning
- Fuggoff.
- >"Pardon?"
- FUGGOFF.
- >"I can't understand you with your face pressed into the dirt, Anonymous"
- >Remove your face from the dusty path
- I SAID FU- what the shit are you wearing.
- >"Oh, this? It's nothing."
- >She's wearing live sparklers
- >She winces every time a spark hits her face
- Doesn't that hurt?
- >"Love hurts, Anon."
- Fucking hell, Fluttershy. Just how desperate are you?
- >"I'm desperate for your dick, hunky bear!"
- Really?
- >"Oh yes! I want to-"
- No, I mean, REALLY? These are the pickup lines you're using?
- >"...They aren't working?"
- Mother fuh.. No, they aren't working. Why would they work on ANYONE?
- >"Because I love you?"
- Are you delusional?
- >"Love makes you delusional, Anon"
- DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
- >"Um..."
- 1/?
- >Sigh and rub your eyes
- Alright, listen. Fluttershy. I don't love you. Okay? You might have these fucked up little feelings for me, but I don't love you, okay?
- >"Can we have sex now?"
- Are you serious?
- >"I can be top if you want."
- You're not even listening to me, are you?
- >"Oh yeah, baby."
- You're just hearing what you want to hear.
- >"You DO love me!"
- >Slap her
- >"Ouch!"
- >Tears well in her eyes
- >"I-if this is what gets y-you off, I'll do it, Anon..."
- STOP TALKING, FLUTTERSHY.
- >She shuts up
- >Let out an exasperated groan
- You're out in full force today, aren't you? I don't think you've ever laid it on this hard.
- >"I'll lay you ha-"
- NO.
- >"Okay..."
- >You sigh and sit down cross legged
- >She cocks her head
- Sit, Fluttershy.
- >She places her butt on the path
- Look at me.
- >She looks up from your dick
- Now, I want you to be absolutely serious with me here, okay?
- >She gulps
- >"O-okay?"
- Right.
- >Clasp your hands together and point at her with them
- Have you ever had a boyfriend?
- >She stares at you
- >Wait for an answer patiently
- >Birds in a nearby tree tweet
- >You watch as her eyes un-focus and drift skyward
- >Remain perfectly still and watch her zone out
- FLUTTERSHY
- >"AH! YES!"
- You HAVE had a boyfriend?
- >"W-what? Umm... Well, n-no..."
- >That was expected
- 2/?
- >Stand up again
- >Motion Fluttershy to do the same
- Fluttershy, have you ever shown an interest in another pony?
- >"N-not really..."
- Have you ever had a crush?
- >"Umm..."
- Have you ever been kissed?
- >She blushes deeply
- Have you ever had any kind of intimate interaction with a member of the opposite sex?
- >"W-well I touched your junk once-"
- I don't count. I'm talking about stallions here.
- >She goes quiet and hides behind her mane whimpering
- >Kneel down and move her head
- Shy, seriously, did you even go out in your childhood?
- >"I... I didn't have any friends..."
- >D'aww
- >You remain stone faced, though.
- >Straighten up again
- Right. I know what I must do.
- >"Oh yes, Anon! I will marry you!"
- >Slap her again
- >"P-please stop doing that..."
- Fluttershy!
- >She looks up at you cautiously, expecting another slap
- We're going to get you a stallion.
- >Fluttershy stares dumbfounded at you
- >"I... No thank you, I umm... I need to tend animals..."
- >She attempts an exit
- >Grab her tail and yank her back
- >"A-a-anon, I don't want this p-please, no, please."
- >She starts stammering even harder than usual and going the colour of beetroot
- >Though that might be because you're holding her upside down by her tail
- >Alter your grip so that you're holding her up with two hands
- >She trembles
- >"I don't like talking to stallions..."
- Yet you feel fine talking to me
- >"Because I lo-"
- No you don't.
- 3/?
- >Fluttershy's ears go back
- Come on. Let's go find you a man.
- >"You're a man"
- Stallion. I meant stallion. Shut up.
- >As you stroll into town with Fluttershy under your arm, your mind is working overtime to try and pluck as many Strong-Independent-Female TV shows from your memory
- >Surely one of them holds the answer to "grabbing a man and holding on for dear life"
- >Your brain plays a sound bite of a black woman wagging her finger and saying "MMM HMMM" to a laugh track
- >Fluttershy doesn't stop trembling the entire time
- >Look down at her as you walk
- >Her eyes are fixed on the floor
- You really hate talking to ponies, don't you?
- >"N-no... I like my friends though..."
- >Pat her on the head with your free hand
- There there, Shy, there there. I was like you once.
- >"You were a Pegasus in love with a human?"
- ...No. I meant I was socially retarded.
- >"How did you fix it?"
- By not being socially retarded.
- >Smooth as fuck, Anon
- >Thanks, brain.
- >You walk straight into Sugarcube Corner and up to the counter, a confident grin on your face and a terrified horse under your arm
- >On Earth, people might question your motives
- >But here, all that people ask is-
- >"Hiya, Anon! What can I getcha?"
- Heya, Pinks. Could I have an apple strudel, and one for my horse as well.
- >"Don't be silly, Anon. Fluttershy isn't a horse! She's a pony!"
- Eh, same difference. I also need an outside table
- >"But you can just take one, silly! You don't need to ask me that!"
- I know. But I did it anyway because I love hearing you talk.
- >Pinkie Pie giggles
- >"Well then, I'll go get your strudel, mister."
- >She winks and trots into the kitchen
- >You hoist Fluttershy up a bit, causing her to squeak, and walk back outside, setting her down in a seat
- >Sit across from her
- >She look back indoors, then back at you
- You see what I did there?
- >"Y-you hit on Pinkie?"
- Aye. See how easy it was?
- >"I... Suppose."
- Think you could do that?
- >"Hit on Pinkie? I don't think my barn door swings that way, Anon..."
- No, you moron. I mean hit on a stallion as easily as I hit on Pinkie. It wasn't even a good line, but it made her smile, didn't it?
- 4/?
- >Fluttershy taps her chin thoughtfully
- >Pinkie Pie bounces up to you, tray in hand
- >You pluck your treat off it and hand the other one to Fluttershy
- Thanks, Pinkie
- >She grins at you
- >"No problem, Nonny."
- >She lightly nudges your arm with a hoof and turns to walk away, a small, cute smile on her lips
- >Fluttershy's eyes are wide
- >"B-but Pinkie doesn't even like you that way!"
- She does now, and also, how the hell would you even know that?
- >"I don't know"
- >Shake your head and eat your sugar covered pastry, savouring the apple within
- >Fluttershy nibbles on hers in silence
- >You start thinking of possible matches for Fluttershy, but first you need a second opinion on what you're working with here
- >A stallion strolls past your table
- Hey, buddy
- >He turns his head and is evidently shocked to have been approached by the local alien so casually
- >"Uhh, yes?"
- I have no idea how to gauge a pony's attractiveness, so spare me the trouble and tell me how hot she is
- >Point at Fluttershy
- >The stallion thinks about it
- >"Hmm... Nine out of ten"
- Shit, seriously?
- >"Yup. She was a model once, you know"
- Alright, thanks, man.
- >"I'm not a man-"
- Whatever.
- >He walks off and you look back at Fluttershy, who seems to be utterly livid
- >"A-ANON!"
- Yo.
- >"Y-y-you can't just ask ponies that! It was so... Embarrassing..."
- Why? You got complimented. Didn't it feel good? Haven't you ever been complimented by a guy?
- >"Well this one time, you said I suited the sexy clown costume!"
- That was a joke. It was also a horrible fetish guess. I'm actually scared shitless of clowns
- >"Oh... Sorry..."
- I might just make things more awkward now that you've reminded me of that. Consider it pay back
- >She 'eeps' and tries to hide her entire face behind her mane
- 5/?
- >Not that you care
- >Your mind is on other things
- >Namely, a match you think might work.
- >You lick your fingers and snap them
- Come on, I know where to start
- >"C-can't we go home? I don't want to do this..."
- I didn't want to live in a world of cartoon horses, but hey, I adapted, didn't I?
- >"Well I'm glad you're here..."
- I'm not. I had video games at home
- >"We have video games"
- 'Button Presser 5' isn't a game.
- >Ponies haven't got much room for creativity when they only have hooves to control their games with.
- >You stand up and head straight in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres
- >A smile grows on your face
- >This is gonna be fun
- >"Are you sure, Anon?"
- I've never been more sure about anything in my life.
- >"You said that about your decision not to marry me."
- Second most sure thing in my life, then.
- >You are both sat in a bush, looking out at the tall, muscular farm pony.
- >Big Macintosh.
- >He's absolutely perfect for Fluttershy
- >Quiet, hardworking, gentle, and probably good looking
- >Though you can't tell with ponies
- So, you remember what to do?
- >"No..."
- Ugh. Walk up to him, and ask for his name.
- >"But I already know Mac."
- Then ask him how he's doing and if he can talk for a moment, then let the conversation flow from there.
- >"O...kay?"
- Good. NOW GO.
- >Shove her out the bush and watch her roll down the hill towards Mac like a sexually deprived bowling ball
- >She slams into his legs
- >That gets his attention
- >Pick up the bush and shuffle towards the pair so that you can listen in
- >You're not even aware of how you managed to lift up a bush, or why it wasn't attached to the floor
- >But whatever.
- >Anon the match-maker cares not for conventional physics.
- 6/?
- >"Ya okay there, Miss Fluttershy?"
- >"O-oh, y-yes... Umm... I'm F-Fluttershy..."
- >Mac's apathetic look changes to apathetic with a tiny hint of confusion
- >"Ah know that, Fluttershy."
- >He chuckles
- >"What can ah do fer ya?"
- >Fluttershy picks herself up and looks at the floor
- >"Umm... C-can I talk to you for a second?"
- >"Eeyup"
- >...
- ...
- >"..."
- >"..."
- >"Well don'cha want to say somethin'?"
- >"Oh! Yes! Umm... H-hello..."
- >"Uhh, Hi."
- >...
- >...
- >Jesus fucking Christ this mare has the social capabilities of a walnut
- >Mutter under your breath
- Say something, you god damn horse
- >...
- >Big Mac clears his throat
- >Fluttershy scuffs the ground with a hoof
- >Mac looks back at the tree he was about to kick, then back at Fluttershy
- >"Ya know, It was real nice talkin' to ya, Fluttershy. But ah gotta go now."
- >"O-okay..."
- >Mac shrugs and switches over the stalk in his mouth to the other side
- >Walks back to his tree
- >And continues working
- >Fluttershy is stood completely rigid and staring at the ground
- >Sigh and step out the bush
- >Pick up Fluttershy and shove her under your arm
- >Mac sees you
- >He waves
- >Wave back and point to Fluttershy
- >He nods
- >You nod back. completely understanding him.
- >GUY TALK.
- 7/?
- Never in all my life have I seen a being so awkward. And my cousin used to eat paste.
- >"L-lots of foals eat paste..."
- He was 32.
- >"Oh..."
- >You're sat inside Fluttershy's cottage
- >You glance left and see a framed picture of you under the shower on a small table
- >Place it face down so you don't have to look at it.
- You alright?
- >Fluttershy apparently went into shock shortly after Mac left
- >She's currently wrapped up in a blanket with a hot water bottle on her head
- >You had no idea how to treat shock, so you just decided that it must be the same as Flu, since everyone is so shocked when they get it.
- >Fluttershy shudders
- >"Oh Anon! It was just awful! He was staring me down with his oppressive eyes and undressing me with them as well! If you weren't there, he might have r-raped me!"
- >Blink
- >Stare at her
- >She looks back
- >Continue to stare
- >You heard her, but your brain has the information in it's hands and is re-reading it over and over again whilst saying "What the fuck"
- Did you actually just say that?
- >"Umm, yes?"
- Did you actually just... Say. That.
- >"Y-yes?"
- >Your mind shuts off
- >Fluttershy
- >Rape
- >Oppressive
- >Mac
- >Undress
- >Rape
- >Fluttershy
- >Undress
- >Macinshy
- >Rapeintosh
- >Start drooling
- >Black out.
- 8/?
- >Wake up in Fluttershy's bed
- >Luckily, you're still clothed
- >Flutters is stood next to it
- >"Are you okay?"
- >Throw off the covers
- >"W-want me to-"
- DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU LAID AND THAT'S FINAL
- >Grab the small horse and jump out her bedroom window, hitting the floor and rolling
- >Fluttershy is squealing the entire time
- >"T-THAT WAS DANGEROUS!"
- Shut up shut up shut up don't talk just DON'T. TALK.
- >She goes silent
- >Briskly walk to the park, the pony under your arm dangling there feeling sorry for herself
- >Reach your destination and sit down on a bench
- >Take a deep breath
- >Don't think about before, Anon. Just don't.
- >Alright. We're clear, go.
- >Turn to Fluttershy, who is sat next to you
- Okay, disregarding that little hiccup, what do you look for in a stallion?
- >"Oh! That's easy!"
- >Progress! At last!
- >"I like them to be kind... Generous... Good with animals... Strong, Handsome and Bipedal
- Uh huh, uh huh, uh- wait.
- >Give her a flat look
- >She beams back
- >"Will you be my special somep-"
- No. Listen, you might need to lower your standards a bit. Having them that high will bite you in the ass later.
- >She looks down
- >"Sorry..."
- Stop apologising.
- >"Sorry..."
- Fuckin-
- >Groan again
- >This is harder than you thought
- >Look around the park for any stallions that are alone
- >See one on a bench reading a book
- Right. Him.
- >"What?"
- The time is now, small horse. Come on.
- >Grab her before she can scramble away and walk over to the stallion
- 9/?
- >He looks up from his book and sees an alien holding a pony looming over him
- Hi.
- >"Hello? Can I... Help you?"
- Yes.
- >Trust Fluttershy forwards similar to how a child thrusts a doll at her parent
- Pony. You like?
- >"Uh, n-no, thank you. Are you okay, miss?"
- >She doesn't answer, she just sqeaks
- Are you sure you don't want this? I can't seem to get rid of it.
- >"Now hold on, you could at least refer to her as a... Well, her!"
- So do you think she's attractive?
- >He blushes
- >"W-well, yes, but-"
- Would you stick it in her?
- >"I... I ca-"
- Yes or no, man, I don't have all day.
- >"Y- NO! No, I wouldn't."
- Why not. You gay or something?
- >He blushes even harder
- >"Actually... Uhh..."
- >Pull Fluttershy back a bit
- ...Oh...
- >"Yeah..."
- Uhh, sorry.
- >"It's okay."
- >He smiles shyly up at you
- >"B-but I think you look alright! Would you like to go for some coffee sometime?"
- >Ponder this
- >Wait, no you don't. Nigga you ain't gay
- No thanks, uhh..?
- >"Caramel"
- Caramel. Sorry for wasting your time
- >"It wasn't wasted, stud."
- >He gets up and winks before walking off with his book
- >Why does it always have to be you.
- 10/?
- >Fluttershy is oddly quiet
- >Like a corpse
- >Dark simile there, brain.
- >Sorry
- >You walk around town with Fluttershy under your arm looking for ponies to annoy
- >Talk to her while you walk
- You're really hard work, you know that?
- >"Sorry..."
- Ugh.
- >You see a group of stallions up ahead
- Alright, Fluttershy, I didn't want to have to do this, but you've forced my hand.
- >Run up to them
- >Point at the nearest
- YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM.
- >"S-seabreeze! I'm from Canterlot!"
- DO YOU LIKE FLUTTERSHY?
- >"NO!"
- FINE.
- >Point to his friend.
- NAME. OCCUPATION. FAVOURITE MOVIE.
- >"Pearjohn, gardener, Stable Whorses 7!"
- SHIT NAME. SHIT JOB. PLEB TASTES.
- >Point to the last one, who looks stricken with fear
- NA-
- >"THUNDERLANE WEATHER PONY SPIDERMARE 3 AND PONYVILLE"
- DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!
- >"W-WHAT?!"
- DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!
- >Rub Fluttershy's body against his face
- >She trembles and goes redder than a tomato
- >"Y-YES! I DO!"
- >Pull Fluttershy back and smile at him
- >Pat him on the back
- >Place Fluttershy on the floor
- Well alright then! Fluttershy, meet Thunderlane. Go do pony things now.
- >Shoo them away with your hands
- >Thunderlane's mouth is agape, like he just won the lottery
- >"N-no way! I get to date Fluttershy?! She's crazy hot!"
- Less beta, more alpha
- >He clears his throat and puffs out his chest
- >"R-right. Yeah. Okay."
- 11/?
- >You watch him lead Fluttershy away
- >She looks over your shoulder at you, looking similar to a fat kid on the first day of high school
- >Smile and wave at her
- Have fun!
- >"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
- >Sigh happily
- Damn, I'm good.
- >Walk home, exhausted after a day of setting horses up on dates
- I should be a relationship counsellor.
- >Unlock your front door and step through
- >All your curtains are shut and it's dark as hell in your living room
- >Fumble around and switch on the lights
- >"Hey there, Anon."
- >Pinkie Pie is sprawled out on your sofa, giving you the bedroom eyes.
- >"Wanna feed me your frosting?"
- Hell yeah.
- >Fucking Pinkie Pie.
- 12/12
- The End
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