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Dungeons and Damsels I

Jan 17th, 2016
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  1. >"...Alright, after the six of you go and collect the bounty for the raiders of Dargool you leave the village and come upon a fork in the road. One path leads to the forests of Na'Gahal, the haven of the great elementals. The other path leads to the swamps of Fur'furnal, the home of the great Lich Queen of the east."
  2. >"The Great and Powerful Trixie thought that the Lick Queen--"
  3. >"Hush up, Trixie."
  4. >"But--"
  5. >"HUSH. UP. Go ahead Moondancer."
  6. >"Thank you. Now, as I was saying, you six travelers, heros in the making, stare at both of these two path wondering which you should follow and which you should leave behind for another day. Now what do you girls do from here?"
  7. >You watch as Moondancer, your sister from another mister, leans back against her bean bag chair with a smirk
  8. >...Was that it?
  9. >No bandits hiding near the road to attack your troup?
  10. >No perilous magic that forced you to separate or force your hoof?
  11. >Not even a cry for help that'd force you to go one way or another?
  12. >You could pick which way you were going to go this time?
  13. >Really?
  14. >The disbelief is thick in the air as you and the other girls stare at your DM
  15. >The same DM that had, just a few hours ago, sent Cadence into a near panic attack by unleashing a horde of golems onto your party when you were about to leave that diamond dog dungeon?
  16. >The same DM that had set up half of the towns in such a way that there was always a sixty percent chance that after you completed a quest they'd run you out of town without pay?
  17. >Horse apples
  18. >You were going to call horse apples all day everyday!
  19. >You feel magic tugging at your sweater
  20. >Not taking your eyes off Moony you looked over at Sunset from the corner of your eye
  21. >Bacon hoers was staring at your sadistic DM with the same expression as you but you could see her nudging her head ever so slightly, beckoning you toward her
  22. >Your eyes snapped to the left and you could see Starlight and Trixie were staring at Sunset out of the corners of their eyes too
  23.  
  24. >>26132420 (You)
  25. >Keep strong filly
  26. >You couldn't show weakness to Moony
  27. >If you showed weakness she's eat you alive and spit out your skeleton without a second thought
  28. >Narrowing your eyes you scooched toward Sunset
  29. >Out of the corner of your eye you could see the other girls scooching toward her too
  30. >Though you tried to be as subtle as possible you could see Moony's smile grow the closer you all got together
  31. >"Well, are you girls going to pick a path or are you just going to stand there in the middle of the road all day?"
  32. >Ohhh you could hear the smug in her voice...
  33. >You were going to smack that smug right out of her
  34. >Believe it!
  35. >Eventually the seven of you are huddled close together, all of you still staring at your DM, the "god" of the world you all were encased in
  36. >Luna was the first to speak up:
  37. >"We believe that we should go back into town," she whispered. "Rest at the tavern, recover our strength so that we able to face with whatever trails that await us."
  38. >"That might just be what Moondancer wants," Celestia said, pulling up one of her socks so that it wasn't slipping off of her rear leg. "And besides, we rested up enough in the raider's stronghold so we should be fine."
  39. >You sighed
  40. "Celestia's right, we need to keep going."
  41. >"Yeah," Sunset pipped up. "We can't just run away with our tails between our legs! We gotta show Moony that we aren't a bunch of pussies!"
  42. >Moondancer giggled, but you all did your best to ignore her
  43. "So whatcha say girls? Are you all ready to pick a path?"
  44. >Though the other girls looked just as tired as you each and every one of them nodded
  45. >This quest had been one of the biggest that you've ever been apart of
  46. >Though Moondancer was a MOTHERBUCKER she was one of the best DM's that you've ever had
  47. >And you've had a LOT of DM's in your day
  48. >The series of quests she had sent you and the girls on had swallowed up hours and hours and hours of your life
  49. >She had thought of ever decision you'd make and how you'd make it
  50.  
  51. >She had written over two thousand pages of lore, of background, of characters
  52. >She had made this journey of yours thrilling, engaging, and one of the most difficult that you had attempted in your career in Orges and Obelisk
  53. >You were Twilight Sparkle
  54. >Or Ser Flun'ti Tarskell, an honorable breezie knight in search of fame and fortune
  55. >And you were with your friends and herd mates
  56. >Your family; your sisters
  57. >And you were ready to continue on your quest
  58. >With a sigh you looked over at Moondancer and puffed your chest out
  59. >You gotta flaunt the tuft to show that you mean business!
  60. "Alright, we want to--"
  61. >"TWILIGHT! SUNNY! MOONY! FUCKING TRIXIE! CAN ONE OF YOU LITTLE HORSES HEAR ME?!"
  62. >As one you all jump into the air yelping in surprise
  63. >Moondancer sent her papers flying everywhere and she accidently knocked the glasses off of her muzzle
  64. >Trixie and Luna crashed into each other, landing in a heap on the ground
  65. >Celestia's wings had shot out hitting Cadence and Sunset
  66. >And Starlight had hopped into your lap with a yelp, wrapping her hooves around your neck and burying your face into her chest
  67. >For some reason your ears start twitching and you really want to start neighing
  68. >MotherbuckerIdon'twannadietoday!!!!
  69. >The seven of you flail around for a few seconds, socks and feathers flying everywhere, before another yell brings you ll to your senses
  70. >"I KNOW THAT ONE OF YOU ARE IN THERE! IT'S ME, ANON, YOUR HUSBAND! FOR FUCK'S SAKE OPEN THE DOOR!"
  71. >"I'm here too," somepony that sounded suspiciously like Shining called
  72. >In a flash Sunset had scrambled away from your group, nearly trampling Trixie in the process, and ran over to a nearby window
  73. >"...Oh horse apples. It really is Anon..."
  74. >Panic hits your chest like a baseball bat
  75. >ANON?!
  76. >You thought that him and your brother were still in Saddle Arabia!
  77. >They were supposed to be there on business for two bucking weeks!
  78. >You hadn't been playing this game for two weeks!
  79. >...Had you?
  80.  
  81. >...Oh buck you played for two weeks straight didn't you?
  82. >OhIseethebadtimesthey'rea'callin'
  83. >Looking around the room you could see that the other girls looked just as nervous as you
  84. >Everypony except Starlight
  85. >"I don't know what you're all worried about, girls," she said with a flick of her mane. "There's no reason--"
  86. >"Shining's out there too."
  87. >Almost as if a switch was flipped Starlight's reaction did a one-eighty
  88. >"Shiny's here?" she squaked, rushing over and shoving Sunset away from the window so that she could get a better look
  89. >Sunset made a face
  90. >"Who the heck do you think was yelling 'I'm here too'?"
  91. >Starlight bit her lip as she stared out the window
  92. >"Well excuse me for hoping against hope that my bucking husband wasn't here!"
  93. >"...That's stupid. You're stupid."
  94. >"Hey, why don't you just go and--"
  95. >Rolling her eyes, Celestia brushes past you and separates the girls with her wings
  96. >"Now, now, there's no need to fight ladies," she said, ever the voice of reason. "Our husbands came home unexpectedly; an unfortunate fact that me must nonetheless deal with."
  97. >From behind you you could hear Moony whimpering
  98. >And for good bucking reason
  99. >If what you think happened happened it had been two bucking weeks since any of you had left this room except to go to the bathroom or to go and get snacks
  100. >You hadn't bathed
  101. >You barely slept
  102. >...And you hadn't done a single thing that Anon had asked before he had left...
  103. >You, Celestia, Sunset, Moondancer, and Trixie hadn't cleaned up the house, you didn't get any yard work done, you didn't go to that doctor's appointment that you were supposed to go to...
  104. >Oh sweet Celestia you done goofed...
  105. >In your heart was a fear that only a married mare could know
  106. >The fear of a wrathful husband
  107. >You could almost hear the gears turning in everypony's heads, trying to think of a way to get you all out of the yelling that you were probably going to get
  108. >...But not one of you came up with a solution
  109.  
  110. >You were all supposed to do that stuff AFTER you finished up your game
  111. >But Moondancer had had so much stuff to work with and it had been such a pain to set up your characters and--
  112. >"I FUCKING SEE YOU HIDING BEHIND STARLIGHT, SUNSET! WHY THE FUCK DON'T I SEE ANY LAWN WORK DONE?!"
  113. >With a yelp, Starlight and Sunset scramble away from the window, fear on their faces
  114. >Everyone of you knew that there was a good chance that you were in trouble
  115. >More than a good chance probably
  116. >Even Starlight, Cadence and Luna knew that Shining was probably going to give them one heck of a talking to because, just like you, they had things that they needed to do
  117. >Things that none of you did because buck the police muh roleplaying is more important
  118. >...You were all so bucking dead...
  119. >Though she must have known that the doghouse was right around the corner your old teacher took a step forward and puffed her chest out
  120. >"I think that one of us should go outside and say hello our husbands."
  121. >"Trixie is not sure that that is such a good idea," Trixie said, peering out the window. "Anon does not seem all that happy..."
  122. >"I'm sure that Anon's anger can solved with a thoughtful word and a cheery smile," Celestia said, pulling up her sock again. "I know my husband, WE know our husbands. No matter how angry they get they still love us and we love them, no matter WHAT we do."
  123. >The fear dissipates just a little bit as you stare at your alpha
  124. >"We might have made a mistake; a mistake that could have been easily avoided, but there is no helping that now. The only thing that we can do is go out there with a smile and a hello. Our loving husbands will see to the rest."
  125. >You smile
  126. >You know what?
  127. >Celestia was right!
  128. >You could--
  129. >"Nose-goes!" your herd mate cried, touching her noses with her hoof
  130. >"Nose-goes!" Luna cried a second later, doing the same
  131. >"Nose-goes!"
  132. >"Nose-goes!"
  133. >"Nose-Goes!"
  134. >"Nose-goes!"
  135. >"Nose-goes!"
  136.  
  137. "Nose-horse apples," you curse, staring at your friends/family with a mixture of loathing and disappointment
  138. >They stare back at you with triumph smiles
  139. >"You heard Celestia, Twilight," Sunset said, nudging you with a hoof. "Go out there and make us proud."
  140. >"We'll be right behind you," Moondancer promised
  141. >"We shall be behind you here in the safety of this room," Luna added. "Faaaar away from angry the stallions."
  142. >...You know what?
  143. >You aren't even mad
  144. >If you would have been faster you would have been smiling just like these fillies...
  145. >...Alright...
  146. >You were a little mad...
  147. >Muttering curses under your breath, you walk over to the window and stare out of it
  148. >You could see both Shining and Anon, with their luggage sitting next to him, standing out in the middle of the street
  149. >Shining was wearing a golden hijab and was happily talking to a few stallions across the street
  150. >Whoo, did that thing looked expensive...
  151. >And stars know what other stuff he bought...
  152. >You were happy that you weren't in Shining's herd right now...
  153. >That happiness evaporates from your body when you turned your head to look at your husband Anonymous
  154. >He was your love, your first and last special sompony
  155. >He was the light of your life, the one that helped get you and the other girls together so that you could all be a happy family
  156. >And he was staring right into your eyes
  157. > How can my teats twist this hard?
  158. >"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! YOU GET YOUR PURPLE FANNY DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
  159. >You winced, looking over your shoulder at your gal pals
  160.  
  161. "...Well, I'll see you on the other side girls," you find yourself saying
  162. >The girls nodded like a gaggle of geese
  163. >"Don't worry, Twilight, we'll teleport you out of there if it gets too nasty," Starlight said
  164. >Gulping, you let magic flow into your horn
  165. >Welp
  166. >Once more into the fray and all that...
  167.  
  168. POP!
  169.  
  170. >In an instant you were out of the safety of treebrary 2.O and outside in front of your bbbff and your husband
  171. >Your giant, looming husband
  172. >Who was looking down at you with his arms crossed
  173. >And there you were in a sweatshirt and socks...
  174. "Hehe... hello, honey," you say, taking a nervous step back. "How was your trip? Did you get anything nice?"
  175. >Anon's frown deepened, and he squatted down and grabbed your face
  176. >"Christ above you look like shit, Twilight," he murmured, running his thumbs under your eyes. "Have you gotten any sleep since we left?"
  177. >Not more than twelve hours by your best guess...
  178. >But Anonymous didn't need to know that...
  179. "We'll, you see--"
  180. >He leaned forward, taking a whiff of you
  181. >Making a face he reeled back
  182. >"God, you reek!"
  183. >Out of the corner of your eye you see Shining covering his muzzle with a hoof
  184. >"When's the last time you've taken a shower, Twily?" he asked
  185. >Shaking his head Anon stood up
  186. >"Since we left I bet," he said, putting his hands on his hips. "I bet you money that all of the other girls are just as filthy."
  187. >"Your mares might be filthy but I'm sure that Cadence--"
  188. >"Remember that one time when Cadence dove into a mud puddle to try to save her candy bar?"
  189. >Shining opened his mouth but slowly closed it
  190. >"...Twilight... Please tell me that my wives took a bath in the last two weeks. Please."
  191. >Out of the corner of your eye you see mare and stallion alike watching the three of you with smirks
  192. >Yeah, yeah, you bucking laugh it up
  193. >It's always fun to see a stallion chewing a mare out
  194. >You'll be laughing when Ponyville's taxes increase...
  195. >And you could do that too if you wanted
  196.  
  197. >Being a princess has it's--
  198. >"Twiggles!"
  199. >You jumped, your eyes snapping back to your husband
  200. "Y-Yes dear?"
  201. >"Did you do a single thing that I asked you to do?"
  202. >Oh buck!
  203. >This was it, Twilight
  204. >This was the chance that you had been waiting for to save yourself!
  205. >All you had to do was li--
  206. "Nope, not a thing."
  207. >...BUCK!
  208. >Anon's frown deepened to dangerous levels
  209. >"You didn't cut the grass or till that little garden like I asked you to?"
  210. "No."
  211. >"You didn't clean the house like I asked
  212. "No."
  213. >"Did you at least go to the doctor's for your yearly physical? Did any of the girls?"
  214. >You winced, looking down at the ground
  215. "...Well, we were all meaning to... But then we remembered that we hated going to the doctors..."
  216. >You trailed off, keeping your eyes glued to Anon's feet
  217. >...You know what?
  218. >Enough of trying/attempting to talk your way out of this
  219. >Princess Celestia was right
  220. >You know Anon loved you all to bits
  221. >Yeah you messed up
  222. >Yeah it was wrong of you to ignore all but your most basic of needs for the last two weeks
  223. >Yeah you probably smell like a port town in the middle of summer
  224. >If you just looked your stallion in the eye and apologized you knew he'd forgive you
  225. >You knew that he'd tell you he loved you right back if you said it to him
  226. >Sighing, you looked up at Anon
  227. "Anon, honey, I am so--"
  228. >"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE DEMANDS THAT YOU LEAVE TWILIGHT ALONE, ANONYMOUS! NOPONY, LET ALONE HER, WISHES TO HEAR YOUR NONSENSE!"
  229. >...Oh buck
  230. >Oh buck no
  231. >Your eyes snapped up toward your balcony
  232. >Your heart sank when you saw that all of the girls were standing near the edge of the thing looking down at you
  233. "G-Girls, don'--"
  234. >"Trixie! Get your great and powerful ass down here and open the front door before I COME up there and kick you through the ceiling with my great and powerful foot."
  235. >Sunset smirked
  236. >"You have no power here, colt! This is our castle and we can do whatever we want!"
  237. >Gals
  238. >Starlight giggled and Luna threw up a hoof
  239.  
  240. >"We shall FINISH our splendid game and THEN we shall open the door, Anonymous. As thou can CLEARLY see from the note which hath been posted on the door no stallions are allowed on the premises!"
  241. >Shining frowned
  242. >"Now come on, Luna, stop messing around and let the two of us in. I got this cute little dress for you that I--"
  243. "Silence, husband! The mares are talking!"
  244. >Wat R U doin
  245. >Shining reared back like he had just been slapped, a scowl immediately coming to his face
  246. >"Y-Yeah," Moondancer mumbled, so quietly that you had to strain to hear. "We w-want to finish our game."
  247. "Yeah!" Cadence cried, slapping the unicorn on the back, darn near knocking her over. "You tell her Moony!"
  248. >Anon threw his hands up in the air
  249. >"And what, if I might as, do you want the two of us to do while we wait for you to finish your FUCKING game?" he asked sarcastically
  250. >Narrowing your eyes you saw that the girls eyes were slightly glazed
  251. >They were still running high from beating those raiders
  252. >They still thought that they were in the game and that they could do anything
  253. >That they were heroes
  254. >That they could tell their husbands to buck off and that they'd LISTEN
  255. >But they BUCKING COULDN'T BECAUSE THIS WAS REAL LIFE!!!
  256. >TIME TO STOP PRETENDING NOW!
  257. >NOPONY WANTS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO HAVE A PISSING MATCH WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
  258. >ESPECIALLY NOT YOU!
  259. "J-Just give me a second and I'll open the--
  260.  
  261. Pop!
  262.  
  263. >You blinked when you suddenly found yourself standing next to Celestia
  264. >Gals staph
  265. >Your old teacher, with a confident smirk on her face, leaned over the balcony just a hair
  266. >"While it is wonderful to see you, hon, I fear that the girls and I have a game of Orges and Obelisk that we really must be getting back to."
  267. >"You haven't seen me for two weeks and you're just telling me to fuck off?!"
  268. >"To be fair, dear, you were supposed to be coming back next week."
  269.  
  270. >"What? I TOLD you we were going to stay for two weeks!"
  271. >"I remember three weeks, dear."
  272. >"No, me and Shining thought about staying for three weeks but we didn't and-- just let me in the fucking house!"
  273. >"Anonymous, honey, I do believe that you need to take a breather. You're bound to bust a blood vessel if you keep this up."
  274. >"It's your fault that I'm about to bust a blood vessel, Celestia! Nowletmeinthefuckingplayhousecastle!!!"
  275. >Alright
  276. >This was getting WAY too out of hoof
  277. >If Celestia or Luna or ANYPONY wasn't going to be the voice of reason than it looked like you were going to have to speak up
  278. "Girls, I don't think that we should--"
  279. >"You're more than welcomed to come into the castle when you calm down."
  280. >"Calm down?" Anon said, his lips drawing back into a snarl. "CALM DOWN?!"
  281. >Staph pls
  282. >"Yeah, stop being so prissy, Nonny," Sunset said with a smirk. "I thought that men weren't so fussy."
  283. >You could almost SEE the steam shooting out of Anon's ears as he snorted
  284. >His eyes narrowed and he nodded
  285. >"Oh... oh, so this is how it's gonna be? Alright then."
  286. >Leaning down, Anon whispered something into Shining's ear
  287. >The frown on Shining's face slowly morphed into a smile, and his eyes started to widen in delight
  288. >You did not like that look
  289. >Nor did you like Anon's
  290. >You didn't like it one little bit
  291. >Standing back to his full height, Anon regarded all seven of you
  292. >Seven of arguably most powerful magic users in Equestria
  293. >All of whom-- except your flank-- who had been blinded by hive mind and a flood of dopamine
  294. >You continued to try to open your mouth to say something, to slap some BUCKING SENSE into your herd mates
  295. >But before you could do anything Anon and Shining turned away
  296. >You felt your teats twist as your hermates started to playfully jeer at the two
  297. >This didn't feel right...
  298. >Anon NEVER gave up on anything this easily
  299.  
  300. >This was the man that had chased a gryphon for fifteen miles on foot because the hen had said that Moondancer's glasses stupid
  301. >He just didn't WALK AWAY from things
  302. >He NEVER did that!
  303. >Oh gosh
  304. >Oh gosh!
  305. >You find yourself hyperventilating as Anon looked over his shoulder at all of you
  306. >There is an unsettling glint in his eyes
  307. >In them you could see the promise of pain and nothing else
  308. >"You ladies want to stay up there and play your role playing games smelling like nasty cunt? That's fine by me. I'll just have to do what every good husband would do in a situation like this."
  309. >One of Anon's hands closed into a fist, and even from a hundred feet away you swear you could hear his knuckles cracking
  310. >"I'm going to CLEAN. YOU. ALL. UP."
  311. >You sigh, putting your head in your hooves as you sat down on your rump
  312. "Oh holy horse apples I'm going to kill you guys," you mutter. "I'm going to kill you until you're dead then I'm gonna kill you again..."
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