Forged Destiny [Book 7: Ch. 11, Ch. 12, Ch. 13]

The swell of his Exp washed into me. A paltry amount. Not even a full level, but then I'd been on the verge of levelling up anyway, so it was enough to push me over the edge. My eyes flashed as my Stats grew, though no new Skill came. I grit my teeth and rode it out, eyes clenched shut.

[...]

More Exp. Not enough to level, only about half a level. He'd been weaker than me, lower-levelled, seeking the payoff that came from slaying a Hero a higher level than himself. I hated that I could judge that by the Exp gained. It meant I was too familiar with the concept.

—Forged Destiny [Book 7: Ch. 11]



The rush of Exp told me my foe was dead. My body felt a little lighter as I gained a level. My first of the day, the second in two days.

[...]

I fought.

I killed.

I slept.

[...]

I landed. I sought metal. I forged.

I killed.

I levelled again.

Between the bouts of pain and agony, the brief rush of pleasure felt upon levelling was like a drug. When my body grew that little stronger, it meant the injuries from before hurt a little less. It was incremental and temporary, since I'd just bleed again, but the rush of it, the immediate feeling, was the only good thing I had in Raven's care.

I treasured it. Revelled in it.

Wanted it.

Gods, how I wanted it.

It was the sweetest wine, the most tender meat, the feeling of hot water after a hard day or the soft caress of Blake's body against mine. In a way, I started to transmute those feelings onto it. I'd grown three or four levels in what had to be only a few days. I had little way of keeping track of time, since I slept between every set of bouts, and was never granted the kiss of sunlight or fresh air.

It could have been days, it could have been weeks.

I was only allowed to live for the moment.

"It's a rush, isn't it?" Raven asked. I realised blearily that she was down in the ring with me, kneeling in front of me. "That sensation, the strength, it's unlike anything in this world. Drink, food and sex is transient. Love grows old or familiar. But this? It never grows old. The body always has more strength in it, and the feeling of it, it's heady. Delicious. You feel it, don't you?"

"Monster," I whispered. "You… monster…"

She laughed. "If I'm a monster, I'm one no different to you. I can see the desire in your eyes. You want to grow stronger. You want to kill and grow. Would you even be welcome among your Guild anymore? Would you even trust yourself with them? Or maybe," she whispered, "just maybe, you want to go back. Why would you not? Seven people of a level close to your own." Her lips brushed against my ear. "Think of all the Exp within them."

No.

Revulsion roared through me. I gripped the short sword I'd used to kill her last combatant and lunged for Raven's throat. She was so close that she couldn't possibly dodge except that, somehow, she did, pulling back and dancing away with a wide smile.

I followed, desperate to cut that smile from her face.

"You want me?" she teased. "Do you think you're strong enough? I'm Level one hundred and twelve. You're what, forty-eight now? Nearly fifty? I'm more than double your level. I'm twice as strong as you. Twice as fast. But…"

She caught my wrist and drew me close, close enough to whisper the words to me.

"Think of how many levels you'd gain by killing me."

My eyes widened. My breath caught. Raven let go of me, giving me a chance to slash back for her. She dodged between each strike, laughing the whole time.

"Imagine it, Jaune. That feeling you've come to love, the sensation of gaining a single level. Imagine that with how much you could win from me. How much experience would someone over level one hundred give you? Ten levels? Twenty? Twenty-five? Can you imagine it, Jaune? Can you imagine how twenty-five levels at once might feel?"

I couldn't. I couldn't imagine it.

But I wanted to feel it.

I wanted it.

I wanted her Exp so badly.

With a roar, I dove at her. "Give it to me!"

The world exploded in pain and white light as her fist buried in my stomach. I'd not seen her move, let alone prepared for the blow. I folded over her fist, the sword slipping from suddenly nerveless fingers.

"I don't give anything. If you're not strong enough to take it, you don't deserve it."

Gasping, I slumped to the floor, darkness creeping in from every direction. The last thing I saw was Raven stepping over my body, and I heard her call out to Vernal.

"Bandage, food and water. Let him rest tonight, but no fight tomorrow. Now that he has the lust for it, let's see how he handles going without it."

Hate. I hated her. Hated her more than Vernal, more than Salem, more than anything.

I wanted to kill her.

—Forged Destiny [Book 7: Ch. 12]



"I can't believe you kept fighting. Over and over, even when you could barely stand. It…" Lisa shuddered. "I want to say it was amazing, but it was terrifying. You were like a golem, all blank faced and inhuman."

That wasn't a good thing to hear, even if I'd half expected it. "Were my eyes glowing?"

"I don't know. I guess?"

They probably had been, if only faintly. I think it was Yang who described me like that before, all the way back in Atlas where I'd lost myself digging through the wreckage of a faunus village. Qrow noticed it again in Mistral, when we'd tried to defend the town with me, him and Cinder against a horse of Grimm. At the time, he'd called me a suicidal idiot for standing in front of an Ursa's charge with not a care in the world. He'd been right; I hadn't had a care – because my Resilience kept it from me.

There had been other cases where my Resilience kicked in to keep me going and focused on the task at hand, like the first battle we'd witnessed in the war, but the times where I'd gone into some kind of trance were rarer. Most of the time I just felt an unusual calm in stressful situations. I'd have called it a fugue state, but I could still remember most of it.

Guess this is the only reason I'm still alive. My body would have given up otherwise. Or my mind. Through the haze of hunger, pain, despair and sickness I didn't think I'd have had the fortitude to keep fighting, but my Stats hadn't allowed me the choice. For the best, really.

[...]

Hopefully, it would work against the addiction to Exp Raven was trying to foster in me. I knew Resilience didn't prevent good feelings because I'd have felt that before, becoming like Ren. It would have left me unable to enjoy base comforts, and back when I'd had my first kill, what felt so long ago, I'd still felt some pride at it, some pleasure. That was proof enough it didn't erase my emotions entirely.

[...]

"I can still remember what it felt like in the arena," I explained, "I didn't break there, but I was breaking. I felt the symptoms." Despite my Resilience. It was high, ridiculously high, but that didn't make me immune to what Raven was doing. It only meant I could take more of it, and that she'd have to work harder and for longer. Even if the Resilience was willing, the mind had limits. "I think I might be able to mimic it."

[...]

"Still alive?" she taunted.

"Yes."

Vernal's brow furrowed. "Still sane, too." She seemed surprised by that, probably rather fairly given what I'd been through. Four days of constant fighting while badly injured should have left me in a worse state than I was.

[...]

"I want it."

"Ha. It took a while. You were unusually resilient."

My blood froze at the word as I wondered if she knew the truth of that statement. She carried on, however, either not knowing what I did or not realising its significance.

[...]

I wanted to ask her why, why she'd brought me here and what she wanted – but I was supposed to be broken, my will reduced to little more than a desire to earn Exp. Raven was giving me that. I let out a hungry sound and reached out towards the forge.

[...]

If I refused here, she'd put me back in the cage and continue the treatment. With my Resilience, I could last for a long time, but eventually I'd break. Or die. Neither option was appealing.

[...]

All this time I'd been pretending to be unaffected, but I was. I was affected more than I dared admit, especially to Lisa. The feeling of gaining levels, now that I knew to look for it, to experience it, was incredible. A faint, satisfied groan escaped my lips. Raven was right. There was nothing on Remnant that felt quite like this. No pleasure so intrinsically perfect.

—Forged Destiny [Book 7: Ch. 13]