man i feel weird today. i think it's this song i'm listening to.

i listened to this song a lot when i was at my worst and today it just sounds different. i'm more aware of myself than i usually am. i look back at that former person as a different person, finally. is it the haircut? i got a haircut but it's the same haircut i had when things were awful. and i grew out my hair so i didn't have to look like her anymore. but here i am today, looking like i did then, listening to the same song i did then.

i get scared in ways that the version of myself that lives today isn't as great as the one that was under the lion's paw. i look tired, i look weary, i'm not as bright eyed and beautiful in that way. but that girl, bright eyed and beautiful, was a total mess where it really counted. i'm not that mess anymore. no, not where it counts.

and even up until yesterday, i was someone who ached. but right now, right here, the ache is different. it's not gone, it's not about whether it's there or not, but how much it dictates my current self. i am thinking about that former self and finally feeling like someone else. i'm not her. i'm me.

i look at myself today as someone who got through. i feel like i've aged a thousand years in a few months. but i'm still here and the very fact i'm here is enough to be proud of. i can look at my past self objectively now, not bogged down by emotion or excuse. i see her. i see myself. i'm apologizing to her, she's apologizing to me. and we forgive each other mutually. how weird is that? because of a song, maybe.

i'm so sorry to myself. i was younger, i was in a place. i understand. and it's okay.