A Really Long Word Vomit

I've had several people say "you don't seem like yourself lately" and I feel like I need to clear the air on a ton of stuff and move past this funk I'm in... grammar and structure is gonna be awful... this is just a dump of my thoughts in to text.

I haven't been myself.

I didn't do anything for Valuethon
I didn't submit to Retrothon
I didn't submit to BTP3
I didn't submit to SGDQ

My stream schedule has been sporadic at best lately, I've been dealing with a myriad of things related to nearly every aspect of my life. I'm having health issues. I'm having relationship issues. I'm having issues with my mental health. I'm having issues with twitch.

I had a great time at Calithon and I really felt reinvigorated for streaming and speedrunning afterwards. I've started working on some SMW hacks and SMW in general and I've been having a great time with it, but it seems like the slide I've been experiencing in viewership has just continued... I came back from Calithon reinvigorated and then I let the first little hiccup derail me.

As usually happens with depression, I have been in a state of either depression with no motivation or manic and going HAM with whatever it is that I decide I want to do for the day.

This is both good and bad, I went and redid my overlays for OBS and started reworking on fixing all my alerts.
I also decided to pull the trigger on changing my username on twitch. Still on the fence on whether I'm happy with this change or not.

Depression is telling me to quit twitch... I literally think about it a million times a day.

I don't want to, but I feel like I've got to change my approach and outlook on streaming. I've got to find a way to be less consumed by two things: Drama and numbers.

I've heard about/seen things said about me that hurt. To a certain extent though, I cant help but feel like they are true.

I often over commit to things, I've missed incentives and things like that for charity streams or sub goals... I've since really dialed back on that, the only "incentives" I put out there are during my extra life streams and I'm being very open that whatever the incentive is, may be on the back burner until I have more time... so I feel like I'm making a little progress on this.

My transparency sometimes brings out the side of twitch that people don't like to talk about... but the reality of my situation is the following: I am a full time streamer. I have been a full time stream since November of 2017. Partnership on twitch is my ultimate goal. This does not mean that I do not appreciate each and every person that has been or still is part of my community. I can't do the things I do without your support. I feel like I do a pretty good job of supporting those around me however I can. I've really had to dial back financial support big time. I canceled basically all of my subs and haven't gifted a sub in a while. I've been feeling "unwelcome" in certain channels lately so my presence has been sporadic. But, I do my best to help build up those around me... but along the way somewhere I put a bad taste in peoples mouth as far as I as a streamer/person go. I feel like by just being eager, optimistic and hungry I may have rubbed people the wrong way. That was never the intention but I understand that just because you don't mean to do something that doesn't mean it's ok. For that I'm sorry.

My health issues I am still not feeling really comfortable talking about... but the long story short is, I've gotta take better care of myself... I'm just gonna leave it at that.

Relationship issues... it's hard to have a meaningful relationship with someone when you live on opposite schedules and your work affords you 10-15 minutes together a couple times a week... and we live together. So, I've already cut my stream schedule back to 5 days and I've set aside more time to not only hang out with my girlfriend but to be able to do things to help her with things around the house and stuff like that. For 2-3 months straight my life consisted of: Stream til 4AM, Hang out on twitch til 6AM, Go to bed and sleep til 4PM, eat dinner and then repeat the cycle...  I can't do that anymore.

Mental health issues... what do I do? I'd love to get some help but, I don't currently have insurance and I'm not 100% where to turn. But, I have heard of a few organizations that have services that I may qualify for so maybe I will apply for something like that. I think having people to talk to have really helped me a lot... so, big shoutouts if you have had a conversation that drug on way longer and you heard way more than you wanted to ever know about me... it means a lot to me.

I'm going to work every day on bettering myself and helping those around me do the same...
I'm going to continue to strive to provide not only entertaining content but foster a positive community who has each other's backs...
I'm going to probably be playing a lot of SMW...
I'm going to be doing some speedruns again soon... and hopefully submitting to some marathons.

There's gonna be some bird related content soon...

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this, I realize it's just a bunch of random shit... but unpacking it all will hopefully move forward... I wanna hit the reset button on things and not only improve as a streamer but a person.

<3 drex aka ddrreexx aka dr dre xx aka dr ex aka dreeeeeeex aka d23x aka taco hat guy