Trading Places

FractalFluff, February 19, 2014; 05:11 / FB 18121
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(Probably not abusive enough.)

TRADING PLACES

You're a baby fluffy
Your Mummah says you're a pointy-friend.
That means you have a little horn on your heady
And THAT means you're special!
Mummah doesn't have a horn
But she has the silkiest, strokiest, prettiest pinky mane
And the bestest, softest, most wonderful green fluff!
All the Bright-time, and often in the Dark-times
Hoomins walk through the World
Ever since you opened your eyes, you've loved to watch them.
You want to say Hello!

Mummah says No.
You have to hide in your safe-spot
Hidden behind the Biggest Metal Things.
Whenever you try to wave or talk to one of them, Mummah stops you.
"Nuuuu! Babbeh, nu wet tuu-weggie munstahs see yu!" she says.
"Hoomins meanie! Hoomins huwt fwuffies!"
Sometimes she even boops your nosie.
Silly Mummah.
You just KNOW that that the hoomins would love you if they saw you.
You practice making huggies-please leggies
You practice going dancie-dancie.
You practice smiling.
When you do these things for Mummah, she gives you big huggies
And feeds you her wonderful milkies, if she has some
And if she doesn't, some nice big-fluffy nummies (if they're soft).
And even if there are no nummies or milkies
She gives you wonderful Mummah-cuddles and calls you Bestest Babbeh!
Even though you're her only baby, you still know she's right.
And if a hoomin saw your dancies
Or your huggies-please leggies or your smile
They'd be SURE to know that you were the bestest baby too!
Then they'd love you and want to take you and Mummah Home
Be Nyu Daddah or Mummah.

You're not sure where Home is.
Must be one of the places that hoomins go when they're not in the World.

One morning a hoomin stops near your safe-spot.
He has a black boxy-thing in one hand
A white puffy-stickie in the other.
You're hiding in Mummah's fluff, just like she taught you
Even though you're bigger now, and it's harder.
She's asleep but you, you're wide awake!
You hear the hoomin talking on his boxy-thing.

"...What? Dropped it? Dropped it how..?"
*puffff*
"How bad is it? Can't we just shoot him sitting down?.."

The hoomin sounds cross and sad.
You just KNOW you could make him happy!

"...Crap. Okay, can't we just grab another one out of foal storage..? "
*pufffff*
"...WHAT gas leak..?

You sneak out of Mummah's fluff
Out of the safe spot
You waddle to the hoomin's side and start doing your baby dancies.
Everyone must love baby dancies!
"...Fine, I'll think of something. Christ."
The hoomin puts away his talky-boxy.
You dance harder, smile more pretty
"Fwend?" you squeak.
"What the..?"
The hoomin bends down. He puts out his hand.
You're going to get pettins!
Your first ever hoomin pettins!
"OWWIE!"
The hoomin has grabbed your neck-fluff and picked you up.
That's not how you give a babbeh pettins!
You make owwie-peeps, but he doesn't let go!

"Huh. Well, ordinarily I'd be punting you into oblivion
But someone just wrecked our last foal. I guess you're up."
He grabs you round your middle
"Huggies?" you say.
Instead, he SQUEEEEEEZES you!
You make a lot of poopies and peepee
And you have even more owwies!
"Yeeeep! Nu wike skishy huggies!"
"Don't want you crapping everywhere on the way up."
The hoomin wipes your poopie-place on a metal thing
Then walks off with you.
"Nyu daddah?" you ask, hopefully.
"Sure, whatever."
"Mummah! Bwing Mummah tuu! Babbeh nee' Mummah!"
"Sure. I'll send a limo round to pick her up."
"Yaaay!"
You don't know who Limo is.
He must be one of your new Daddy's friends.
"And all the other little feral shit-rats.
And then I'll open a happy little shit-rat hotel..."
You're not really listening.
The hoomin has taken you out of the World!
Everywhere is so BIG!
The hoomin opens a wall and goes inside
Then another wall
Now you're in a funny boxie with other hoomins.

"What the heck is that?"
"Viola's new co-star. Found him in the alley."
"Viola won't be happy, working with a feral."
"She's never happy with anything."
"Hah! True."
"Besides, I'll take him to the Gents on the way over.
Stick the little freak under a tap. She'll never know the difference."
"He really is the spit of Altair, isn't he?"
"Right down to the horn."

New Daddy takes you to a loud place that no-smell-pretty
Hoomins are doing smelly things in little rooms.
He puts you in a round, smooth place with a hole at the bottom.
Then he makes water happen!
Scaredy-poopies and peepees come, but the water takes them away.
"Yeep! Bad fow babbeh! Wa-wa bad fow babbeh!" you squeak.

Nyu daddeh doesn't even listen, just rubs stingy stuff all over you!
It makes your fluff sticky!
You make saddies.
He boops your nosie!
"Quitcha bitchin', shit-rat."
Then he takes you to a wall-monster
He boops it, and it growls a hot growl all over you!
You have no more scaredy-poopies or peepees left.
At least the monster's hot growls scare the water away from your fluff.
Your fluff goes POMPF.
You've never been fluffier!

Then he takes you to a loud bright place
There is another baby there!
She is purple and a wingie-friend!
"Huggies?" you say.
She sniffs you.
"Yu nu Awtaw," she says accusingly.
"Babbeh am Babbeh! Wan pway?"
She blows raspberries and turns her back."
"Wahhhh..." you start to say.
"Viola, play nice with the new baby, or no sketties!" says a hoomin.
"Hmmp. Otay. Veeohwa pway wif dummeh babbeh."

You try to play with the other baby, but something funny is happening.
Hoomins keep shouting "CUT!"
And picking you up and putting you down again.
They wave nummies at you to make you go this way or that way
But then don't give you the nummies!
Sometimes they make you do the same thing a lot of times.
If you huuhuu, you get your nosie booped.

Viola is a naughty baby
She won't do what the nice hoomins tell her.
She gets her nosie booped even more than you do.
Eventually she has too many boops
Just sits and huuhuuhs and can't stop.
"Jesus, someone shut her up so we can go again," growls a cross hoomin.
Silly hoomins! Don't they know that babies need huggies for huuhuus?
You give Viola huggies. She's surprised, then coos happily and hugs back.
"Quick! Get this!"
"Fantastic. Altair never does that."
"No, the little bastard just laughs if one of the other babies cries..."
"This is gold. Gold."

They like seeing babies give huggies? Well, of course they would.
The other baby is a bit happier now
So you let go of her and do your baby dancies instead.
"What's it doing?"
"It's dancing!"
"Oh, my God. I could never get Altair to do that."
"Hate to admit it, but that's actually pretty cute."
The purple baby is laughing.
The hoomins are happy.
This is your best day ever!
You knew hoomins would love you!
You want to hug everyone!
You make huggies-please leggies.
"Huggies?" you say.
"D'awww!" say the hoomins.

You start to miss your Mummah a little.
But then you get sketties.
They are the best nummies you're EVER tasted!
You're pretty sure Mummah's OK
With Limmo at that ship-wrap hotel, or whatever.
You'll ask later.

"So... what kind of recovery time are we looking at for Altair..?
That long, huh? And the vet's bill to fix the leg...?"
"..."
"No, no, I think I've got a better idea."

Be Altair
Be a STAR!
Hoomin teebee can't happen without Altair.
You get bestest huggies and bestest nummies
Bestest blankies to snuggle on
And bestest pretty babbeh-friends to play with.
If you don't like them, they get taken away
And you never have to see them again.
You have an owwie leggie because a dummy hoomin dropped you.
Well, he shouldn't have been picking you up!
You SAID "nu upsies!" and he ignored you.
It's okay to wriggle if people are giving you no-wan upsies.
But today you couldn't be on teebee.

Now you're getting no-wan upsies AGAIN!
Don't they ever learn?

"Whewe takin Awtaw, dummeh hoomin? Dis Awtaw show! Wat doin wif Awtaw?"
"Yeah, you're not going to be doing Babies! with us anyore, Altair."
"Wah?"
"Nope. Your leg got wrecked when you wriggled away from your handler."
"Babbeh.... weggie... get... fowevew-owwies?"
"Yep."
"Huuhuuhuu! Babbeh nee' weggie! Pwease hewp Awtaw weggie!"
"Nah. You're not worth it.
Don't worry. I've got another role I think you'll be perfect for."
"Yeeeep! Wy dwop Awtaw? Awtaw weggie huwtin! Awtaw nee huggies!"
*snf* *snf*
"Nu wike dis pwace! Nu smew pwetty!"
"Yeah, well, this is your new set."
"Wah? Nyu set? Bu... whewe bwockies? Whewe baww?
Whewe pwetty babbeh-fwends?"
"No blocks, no ball.
And the only friends you'll have out here are other feral fluffies."
"Fuh-fewaws..?"
"Yep. You're now the new star of 'Ferals'. Enjoy."
"Awtaw nu am fewaw! Awtaw am bestes babbeh!
Nu weave bestes babbeh! HUUHUUHUU..!"

Be Altair
Be sitting in the alley in a pile of your own scaredy peepee and poopies
No hoomins to pick you up and wash you
Just a huge, stinky feral with filthy green fluff lumbering towards you.
It beams around the item clamped in its disgusting teeth:
A dented, rust can of yikky-smelling stuff!
You're going to be sick!
"'Ook, A-gee!" says the feral, setting down the can.
"Mummah fine nummies!"
It thinks you're its baby!
And it expects you to EAT that stinking mess!
You're Altair! You get sketties and cookies!
Not no-smell-pretty dirty nummies!

But that was Before...

You look around for the hoomin
He's really gone.
You're really stuck here.
A feral.
You start to make saddies
The biggest saddies of your life.