moonyToday at 10:02 AM
I can't contain my body not that my emotions or state matters and I don't want you to feel any guilt or shame or feel played bc I can promise you it wasn't ever to gain anything and even in sharing it with you which at times even when talking which is why I stay so vague I don't want to and even get literal compulsions to say things about it even if it's a lie in order to prevent something much that my head gets really stuck on involving fucked shit that scares me and I hate and can't get rid of and I guess I thought if something did happen to me it could or would explain that and then it could be fixed but you can't fix something that doesn't exist or the parts that don't
it's almost like even all this really disturbed darkness has been in ever since I was born and even as a little kid I was always plauged and haunted and totally in my head and spent all my energy trying to undo all the bad in me
like I knew I was bad even then with shit like as a really young kid, not that you need my life story which ironically actually know more than anyone
literally you know more about me and the truth of my entire life than anyone including this and I thought soo much and had a dream that fucked me but then saw the big picture after and came out and then knew I had to tell you this or I couldn't in any good conscious continue to live or accept any good from anyone or lie to you. I am sorry if this is seen as a betrayl bc literally I am probably too loyal and would never do anything to hurt you or mislead you and I know this was extremely misleading and hurtful to know or for you to feel like you were supporting me through things that were false which you were and I know how fucked it is and I hate it myself soooo much which is why I think I hate it when I see it in others and why it distubs me bc at the same time I get protective and want to honor and help those suffering and I don't want people to know I'm suffering really like I don't deserve that. But I also need you to know you were supporting me through real things even when sharing a lie and I don't mean that to exxcuse but to literally show that it manifests from the ocd and a mix of other actual events and things in my life. I know you may not believe me and I know I've written a novel and you don't deserve to have to read this and I don't
want to be some fucked crazy you met online who lied and was distrubed or like some fucking alky you once knew and if you want me to return anything you've given me bc you feel you became friends with me on false pretense I will do that and I already feel guilty I have so mych from you and not even things like you literally have my one and only true friend and showed me and taught me even about my own stigma aganist mental health
I also know that you respected and trusted my judgment and honest in making me an admin and helping you with the haven and I know you may feel differently now and I know I may be losing what I wake up for but I also get it and want what's best for the haven and the people it will help and I know it will and if you can't have me around I will go
but know that my words and everything I've shared with you and I mean this and wish there was some supernatural or higher power way to prove it but it all has been true and I'll do whatever I can to prove that truth despite this massive lie
I also know if I plan to live and function as a human I have to address this and everything in therapy, not that I deserve therapy bc people have actually been hurt as children and need therapy and don't have the resources to get it which is why this place again means so much to me not just for me to feel better about myself but actually to help other people
I really do love you Jess which is why I owe this to you and was able to get past the shakes and ocd thoughts and compulsions holding the truth back and my darkness as a human which is worse than you imagined. I know you said that you wouldn't leave or end this except for a few things you couldn't imagine I'd do but now you know this and I don't know how you feel but I don't want our relationship to be based in lies or for you to not really know me and all my darkness and I figure I will give you all the pieces and you can decide bc past that it's out of my hands and not telling you all of this would not be ok even if I got what I wanted
I'm sorry to even have to put you in this position or have it weigh on your mind when you have so much other shit and I'm sorry you have to wake up to this bc you deserve sooooo much better so I'm trying to give you the truth and the real and the better even if it's worse
IF I am just a fucked person you once knew and regret trusting I hope you know for youself again that literally everything else including what I just shared is true and I meant with my heart and soul ever word and tear and smile and burn and I really do deserve to hurt bc I've created this and it has hurt others and I know I'm repeating myself now and that your entire perception of who I am may be changed and that is literally the one of the few things I care or value at all in my life, my family and our friends and you and their respect and opinion and care for me and the world but again I get that is earned and I have earned the opposite
I just want you to know this isn't a habit or some personality trait or that I lie actually I get ocd about lying it's just this whole situation and fucked thing that was my life and my thoughts and head and everything far before I ever met you and instead of moving forward and doing the right thing I got sucked back into the darkness let the compulsions and deep dark pit of ucked take over and leak out even into one of the most positive things I've ever gained or been a part of my whole life which is you and this community and the thing is I've been more honest with you than anyone and I hate that I am or could even have the capacity to lie how I did especually about trauma and especially in the way I did. I know I'm circling I just need you to know and I want to be as honest as possible now so that I have given you all that I can for you to decide if you still want me in your life
I am sorry Jess to put you through this and to put you throught the stress of having to talk to and support or even just read or listen to me the few times I've talked or lied to you about this
I am sorry I wasted your time, I am sorry I betrayed your trust, I am sorry I decieved you, I am sorry I couldn't just not say anything and be a honest true person and human and worthy of a friendship like we have or had and I know you have other friends and good ones and I have so much relief and happiness and solace in knowing that and I know you don't need me but I'm so sorry if you ever did or do and this lie and who situation that I somehow involved you in by sharing something untrue about my life that it doesn't show I really care or respect you and doesn't show that I'm a decent human like you may have thought
I know this also relects badly or could on my merit as an admin or on the server or involved at all even if it's only you I've spoken to privately about just bc you are this place and I'm sorry I ever jepordized that or the well being of anyone else at all too
but now you have all of me the good and the bad and I know this is the kind of bad that is beyond bad and you literally know more about me and my life than even my parents who until I met you were really the only people who knew me at all even for as little as they know me in so many ways
I don't even plan to have this leak out of hurt or involve or affect anyone else ever and I wish I could take back the compulsions to lie when triggered with fucked thoughts and paranoia or clips and dreams and shit bc I guess now that's kind of what it is and even if it is illness or sickness it's still me and who I am and it's something that shouldn't exist and be out in the world it's just too dark
I just want to do what is good for the world and other people and that really might mean not having me in it
my parents and family have done everything they possibly could to protect me to give me a happy safe life but I think maybe it's everyone else who needs protecting from me