jokes 3/18/15

I used to play in a punk band, but I only played trombone, which wasn’t exactly the coolest instrument to play on stage. I tried everything I could to make it cooler, banging it against drums and symbols and lighting it on fire. I would do this until the trombone was unplayable and then take it to get it repaired. I remember the first time I had to take my trombone to get repaired. I took it to this old guy who fixed trombones on his spare time more for the fun of it than for the money. Trombones were this guy’s life, and when he had to stifle vomit and then avoid eye contact with me as though I were evil incarnate. So yeah I made the trombone almost cool; you’re welcome, jazz music.

I keep a notebook in my car and in my desk at work so that I can write down notes throughout the day whenever something comes to me. Then at some later point, I go through my journals and mine my notes for stand up material. The only problem is I usually jot down stuff like, “I hope I die young so I don’t have to live long enough to be considered a failure.” I mean, my dad finds that kind of funny but I don’t think he likes me much.

Do you ever get so lonely at night that the only thing you can do to feel any better is sit on your hand until it goes numb and then encouragingly pat yourself on the back like your father never did? That’s where I’m at right now.

Have you ever tried picking your nose with any finger other than the index finger on the hand that corresponds to whichever nostril? It’s not natural. It’s an experience similar to an MC Escher painting.

Album titles: Shoe-gaze. Sleeper Hit. Jokes For Olivia. Jokes For Nobody. Sophomore Effort. Effort, Sophomoric. I’m a Mild and Lazy Guy. Burrito. I Hope There’s Hell in Heaven. Untitled.