- Life update and thank you to those who support me
- I've been debating talking about this on my public twitter and people in my discord server know what's been going on. TW for physical and mental abuse for those who would like to avoid these things. I know I might lose followers talking about this but I don't want to pretend that I'm in a good place anymore.
- Yesterday, my dad threatened to kick me out. He then proceeded to get physically abusive towards me, I won't go into much details about it since it'd be very uncomfortable for some. For those who don't know, my parents have been living with me for almost a year now. They visited me in Canada from Hong Kong before covid got serious and have lied about leaving every month. They stayed with me in my one bedroom apartment where I had to sleep on a small couch for 6+ months with no personal space as the only rooms in my apartment were the bathroom and bedroom. When my lease was about to end a few months ago, they signed me up for a contract in a day without talking to me and I was forced to rent a 2 bedroom apartment that I couldn't afford, forcing me to be dependent on them to help me pay for the rent.
- I've been trying to save up money with the intention of maybe having more freedom in the future without being forced to be financially dependent on my parents. I had around $30k+ in my bank account before my dad decided that he wanted a car in Canada because he was tired of renting one for months. It came out of my bank account, all $30,000+ with a monthly loan payment of $700 for the next few months. I had no say in it, they justified it by saying the car is in my name but I don't drive and have no intention of driving due to another traumatic experience.
- Every month I ask them when they will leave and every month they would give me a date just to back off. The day will then pass and I will ask again. They would say things like: "why would you want us to leave?" "You should be grateful we are here to do everything for you" "life is so much easier with us here". But it hasn't been easy, my mental health has been deteriorating and I can't even get professional help for it. I was on a good path before they came back to ruin it. I've begged them that if they are going to stay with me past 2020, then at least please let me see a therapist and be back on my medication again just to help me deal with this better. Their response: "If the cure is us leaving then we will leave soon". This was 4 months ago.
- Yesterday, I asked again since their promised date to leave was Nov 8th. I admit that I got heated because I was tired of not having any personal space or privacy. My PC is in the "common room" of the apartment, everything I say, they hear and they love to listen to every single word. It's mostly why I like to stream late at night but even then, my mom would stay up till 3-4am, just to eavesdrop and sit at the open kitchen. I've had so many relationships destroyed in 2020 because of them listening in to everything I say. I couldn't be imitate, close or let my guard down to anyone because they would just be there listening to everything. I had only a small window of privacy whenever they do decide to go out but that would mostly be 2 hours in the morning twice a week. Many of the relationships I've tried to build just gave up because they were tired too of dealing with me.
- When I got into a heated argument yesterday, my dad threatened to kick me out. Since the apartment was mostly paid by them, he can kick me out whenever he wants. Majority of my money has been used for their car and I can't afford to even temporary live alone now even for a few days. My parents both said I was crazy for wanting to seek professional help, how my reasoning of the lack of privacy was stupid, that my concerns and unstable mental health is not justification enough to get a therapist. There's so many stories I can tell of the messed up things they do while they're here such as how my mom loves to hit my dog because to her, "it's fun". Or how I'm not allowed to see the doctors rn despite feeling light headed for more then 2 weeks and recently heart pains since they think I just don't go outside enough and spend too much time on the PC so there's no reason to take me to see a medical professional.
- In the end, the only thing that's been keeping me going is streaming. It's a bit depressing to say but it's the only thing that's been making me happy. I really appreciate the support I've been getting lately because talking to my chat really helps me forget about my dark headspace. I haven't really talked to anyone since my last relationship ended and when I do try and talk to people, they'd get tired of me after a month or so. Because of that, hanging out with my chat is really the most social interaction I get these days and its crazy to think that so many of you like to hear me talk about the stupid things that go around my head. With how things have been going, I might even potentially be able to cut them off one day in the future and go full no contact even tho my plans got set back and I have to start saving all over again from $0. It's just wishful thinking but maybe if I'm lucky, then someday, I can actually be free.
- Thank you for reading this mind dump, I'm sorry if this made people really uncomfortable but it's always been therapeutic for me writing these.
- Also, I know my mom is reading this and I still mean every word of it. You've always stalked my social media accounts and go out of your way to find every personal/social media account i've made despite my best efforts in changing usernames and confronting you in the past. I can't change my handles anymore because of the community I've built but I know you read everything I post as you've always had in the past. I've never had any semblance of privacy growing up, even to this day as a young adult in my 20s. I'm going to cut both of you out of my life and go no contact the first chance I can.
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