December 29

“So... how’s the new roommate search going?” Rayas said as she looked over Cedar’s laptop.

Her and Addie decided they wanted to move in together and the two planned to officially sign a two-year lease for Rayas the next morning. The two only started dating nearly three months ago around the beginning of October, but Addie and Rayas had been close friends since childhood. Rayas knew adjusting to living with Addie would be difficult at first, however. She kept her apartment a lot cleaner than Rayas was used to. With Cedar and Hayden, the two seemingly didn’t mind Rayas leaving a mess in the living room with food wrappers. She slept and ate on the couch, since Addie originally lived with her and Hayden in their two bedroom house. After Addie moved into her apartment, Rayas could have taken her old room, but she convinced Hayden to let her turn Addie’s room into a gaming room. Luckily for Hayden and Rayas, when they needed a new roommate afterwards, Cedar showed up and insisted on taking the attic anyway. Rayas really enjoyed living with Hayden and Cedar, especially since she felt free to act a little slobbish, but she knew she wanted to spend as much time as possible with her girlfriend. She would probably benefit from being a little tidier anyhow, she thought.

“Oh, really good actually,” Cedar responded. “I think we might have already found someone. Their name is Reese. They seem like they’d be your type if you weren’t dating Addie,” she smirked.

“Really?” Rayas asked.

“Don’t get any ideas,” Cedar said in a sarcastic voice.

“I wasn’t!” Rayas defensively responded.

“Good. Well anyways, they’re a barista and a film student. Turning 21 soon, so that’s nice. Definitely looks kinda artsy from these photos they’ve taken. But they seem cool.” Cedar turned her laptop to face more towards Rayas.

She saw a light grayish-brown rat wearing a green crop-top and black sweatpants. They wore glasses and had piercings on their nose and ears. Their darker brown hair was short, but curly. They looked short in the picture to Rayas, and they had a slightly curvy figure. They stood leaned up against a wall, a very faint smile across their face.

“Oh they’re cute,” Rayas said. “Seems shorter than me, which is nice, I’d like to feel tall sometimes.”

“They said they’re like 5’2” or something, I think,” Cedar responded. “But yeah, I think we’re going to meet up sometime tomorrow while you’re signing papers with Addie. Hayden’s gonna have to talk to the landlord again, ugh, that’s going to be annoying.” Cedar suddenly yawned.
“Fuck, it’s getting late, Hayden went to bed like an hour ago. I’m going to head to the attic now, night.”

“Night Cedar,” Rayas said as Cedar closed her laptop and started walking out of the living room.

Rayas lied down on the couch. She’d get along well with Reese, she thought. She still wanted to hang out with Hayden and Cedar a lot, after all. She had a lot on her mind, but she grabbed her sleeping mask and tried to fall asleep. Tomorrow would be a big step for her.

December 30

Rayas jolted awake to the sound of her phone buzzing. She briefly wondered who was calling before she remembered today was the day she would start living with her girlfriend. All she had to do was sign a few papers and then she’d be ready to spend at least the next two years living with her. As she suspected, it was Addie calling her. She quickly answered.

“Heyyyy,” she said in a flirtatious voice.

“Hey Rayas, you ready yet?”

“Yeah! I mean, I have to put on pants, but once I do that I’ll be ready! I’ll drive over there as fast as I can, I’m so excited,” Rayas cheerily said.

“I’m excited too! It’s weird, I don’t even feel like things are moving too fast in our relationship. But I mean, I’ve known you my whole life basically, so that’s not a big surprise.”

“Yeah, we’re really starting 2020 off with a bang aren’t we? I mean, new year, new decade, new me. I’m still shocked this is all happening but. I’m so ready for it. I’m gonna hang up now, okay lovebug? I love youuuuu.”

Addie giggled over the phone. “I love you too, dork. See you soon.”

Rayas ended the call and quickly threw on the closest pair of jeans she could find. Part of her wanted to dress up nice for the occasion, but she also wanted everything to feel natural, so she stuck with her usual outfit of a white tank top, a pink blazer, and blue jeans. She went to the bathroom and checked herself out in the mirror as she washed her face. She thought about putting on a bit of lipstick, but she decided not to, instead only putting on mascara. She brushed her teeth and combed her hair a bit before stopping by Hayden’s room for a bit.

“Knock knock,” she said while standing in his doorframe.

Hayden looked up from his phone. “Oh hey, you’re awake! You nervous about today?”

“Nope, not at all,” she said with a grin.

“Aw, I’m happy for you two. Y’all really are a cute couple, you know. That first date you had where she won you a plush at a claw machine? That’s my goal to be honest, I wish I had a partner like that. I love it.”

Rayas smiled even wider. “Oh yeah, we’re cute as hell, that’s for sure. I love her. The plush is already at her apartment, it’s a stuffed cat with a heart pattern near her right eye.” She laughed. “Okay I should probably get going now, bye dude.”

She went in to give Hayden a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you having here, you know?” Hayden said as he hugged her. “You’re a lot of fun.”

“Heh, thanks. But I ain’t leaving this place for good or anything, I’ll still be coming over here a lot. Plus all my shit is still here, we still need to pack up and move. Addie only bought a toothbrush for me to use and extra toiletries for tonight.”

“Yeah, I know,” Hayden said. “Hey, did Cedar tell you about Reese any?”

“Oh yeah, she told me about them. They seem cool, you think they’re the one?”

Hayden showed Rayas his phone. “Well you tell me,” Hayden said as he pointed out texts from them talking about getting ready to move in. “They’re coming over here tonight. They have a car too, so we won’t be stuck without a car like we thought. And no offense but it’s probably a nicer car than yours,” Hayden added.

“Yeah, my car’s a piece of junk. Still gets me where I need to go, though. Speaking of which, I’m outta here. See ya around, Hayden. Tell Cedar and Reese I said hi, I’ll be back tomorrow for New Year’s. You, Cedar, and Reese still hosting a party?”

“Mhm! Well, I don’t know who else is coming over besides you, Addie, and Cedar’s boyfriend.”

“Oh, well should still be fun. I’m gonna go now, but be sure to buy tons of snacks for me.”

“Will do Ray, see you!” Hayden said as he gave her a friendly wave.

She waved goodbye back before walking back to the living room to grab her car keys. She stepped outside, the cool December air hitting her face. She made her way to her car and hopped in the front seat. She checked her mirrors and pulled out of the driveway, now on the road to her soon to be apartment. Addie’s apartment was a little under ten minutes away by car, a very quick drive, but with how excited Rayas felt, it felt like ten hours. But after a while, she finally made it.

She hurried into the lobby, whereupon Addie stood already waiting for her. She ran up to her and hugged her tightly, giving her a kiss too.

“This is really happening!” she yelled.

“Hehe I know you’re excited babe but there are other people that live here too, you know. Try and keep your voice down, nerd,” Addie calmly said.

“Sorry, I can’t help it!” Rayas wiped away a tear from her eye. “Fuck, okay, let’s sign the thing before I start crying in your apartment’s lobby.”

The two made their way to the help desk, where the receptionist already had paperwork already spread out on the desk. The receptionist smiled at the two of them.

“So, this must be Andrea, right Addie?” he said at them.

“Mhm!” Addie excitedly said.

Rayas didn’t say anything back at first. She felt a little uncomfortable being introduced as Andrea. Sure it was her legal name, but she hadn’t gone by it since she was fourteen. It felt… wrong, almost for her to be called by it. Addie used to call her by that name when she was really mad at her, but one night Rayas and Addie got into a fight over it and Addie agreed to stop. Rayas’s smile faded from her face the more she thought about being called that name.

“Um, you can call me Rayas instead,” she eventually said.

“Oh, sure thing ma’am,” the receptionist said. “But I’m going to need you to sign these papers as Andrea, assuming that’s your legal name.”

Rayas winced inside a bit hearing it again. Even being called ma’am made her feel weird. For whatever reason in this particular instance, being referred to in such a feminine manner made her almost sick to her stomach. She barely glanced at the actual rules of the apartment lease due to how focused she was on the discomfort she felt. She really wanted to move in with Addie, though, and so on each paper, she quickly scribbled a mess of squiggles that only barely resembled the name Andrea in cursive.

“Okay, I think everything is in order here. Here’s your key. You two ladies have fun,” the receptionist said as he handed the key over to Rayas.

Rayas quietly sighed and snatched the key. She and Addie began walking towards the elevator.

“Uh, are you okay Rayas? You’re a lot less happy than you were a minute ago. What’s wrong?” Addie asked in a concerned voice.

“Nothing! Just. Don’t worry about it okay, it’s dumb,” Rayas shifted her eyes away from Addie.

“You can tell me anything Rayas, it’s okay,” she responded as she put her upper arm around the skunk.

“You don’t introduce me to other people as that, do you?” Rayas asked. “I don’t want that to be people’s first impression of me.

“Oh I’m sorry if that upset you, but that was the only time I swear. I just did it because with paperwork everything’s in legal terms anyway. You know?”

“Okay. I’m sorry,” Rayas said as they got into the elevator.

Surprisingly, nobody else was in there at that moment, so Rayas kept talking.

“Also did you notice how much that dude used stuff like, ma’am and ladies or whatever?” Rayas asked.

“Huh? Oh yeah, I guess,” Addie said.

“Did that not come across as weird to you? I mean why did he have to make everything so gendered.”

“Weird? I didn’t think it was weird really, I thought he was just trying to be polite,” Addie responded.

“Okay. I’m sorry,” Rayas felt awkward.

“How come you keep apologizing, Rayas? You don’t even have anything to apologize for,” Addie paused. “You’re not having second thoughts on moving on are you?”

“Of course not. I don’t know, I’m just being weird right now. I love you,” Rayas leaned in for a kiss, which made Addie close her eyes while she gently pressed her lips against her partner’s. The two didn’t even notice the sound of the elevator door opening as they kept kissing.

Addie opened her eyes to see a bunch of strangers looking at her and Rayas. She quickly pulled away from Rayas and apologized, a blush on her face.

“Heh, sorry for keeping everyone waiting,” she awkwardly said. “We’ll be on our way now,” she said as she ushered Rayas to follow her to her room.

She unlocked her door and stepped in first, inviting Rayas to come in and join her. “Okay, I’m gonna give you an apartment tour now,” she said in a soothing voice.

Rayas nodded her head. “Alright, sick.”

Rayas looked around the living room while Addie lit an incense to keep the room smelling nice. Addie’s apartment seemed small, yet cozy. Rayas’s eyes immediately went to the TV and the couch, knowing she’d spend most of her time there when alone. The couch was a light brown color with two mint green throw pillows on each side. She noticed how clean the coffee table was between the couch and the desk with Addie’s TV on top. Rayas then turned her eyes to the other side of the living room where two bookcases stood, each filled with old looking books.

“Wow Addie, I didn’t know you were such a bookworm. Nerd,” Rayas said with a slight chuckle.

“Oh, I haven’t read most of those. I just bought a bunch of old books at a thrift store, I thought they’d help create a more homey aesthetic,” Addie responded. “But yeah, this is the living room. Please use coasters.”

“It’s real cute,” Rayas said.

“Yeah, well, so are you,” Addie said in a flirty voice. “How about I show you the bedroom next? We’re gonna spend a lot of time in there together after all,” she winked.

Rayas’s face turned bright red. “Addie! I just got here, damn.”

Addie giggled. “It’s so easy to make you all flustered.”

A still blushing Rayas followed Addie into the bedroom. Addie had a queen sized bed with two light pink blankets and a group of five white pillows on top. Rayas saw that Addie had neatly made her bed earlier that morning, something Rayas hadn’t done in years. Rayas walked over to the bed and started feeling the covers.

“Soft,” she said out loud.

“Not as soft as your tail, which I’m going to be cuddling all the time.” Addie winked again.

“Wow, you’re really in the mood right now, aren’t you?” Rayas said.

“Maybe,” Addie coyly replied.

“Normally I would be too, but,” Rayas paused for a bit. “I have a lot on my mind right now.”

Addie sat down on the bed and patted her lap. “Here. Rest your head right here and tell me what’s wrong.”

Rayas climbed into the bed and snuggled up against Addie. “I don’t really like talking about my feelings, you know. It’s embarrassing,” she said.

“Talking about your feelings isn’t embarrassing, Rayas,” Addie said as she tenderly stroked Rayas’s hair.

“I don’t think you’d understand it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up really. I just. Suddenly started feeling really awful earlier. And I feel bad because I obviously love you a lot. I don’t want to feel awful right now. I should be fucking overjoyed right now. But I just have this sinking feeling that something isn’t right about this.”

Addie wiped away a tear starting to form under Rayas’s eye. “Is this about earlier? With the receptionist?”

“That’s when it started, yeah,” Rayas muttered in a soft voice.

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize introducing you as Andrea would upset you so much.”

Addie saying that name out loud felt like a punch to the stomach. She suddenly felt even worse.

Rayas shot up and angrily stormed out of the room. “Well don’t say it out loud! Fuck!” Rayas yelled on her way out. “I’m going for a drive,” she scowled as she grabbed her car keys from out of her pocket.

“Stay safe! I love you!” Addie called out, not knowing if Rayas actually heard her or not.

Addie grabbed a pillow to cuddle. She didn’t know what had gotten into Rayas lately but she wanted to respect Rayas’s desire to be alone right now. Rayas appeared to be so happy at the beginning of the day and she worried that Rayas was regretting the move. Addie felt awful.

Addie watched the seconds tick on her clock that hung on the wall across from her. Each second not knowing where her girlfriend was or how she was feeling worried Addie to no end. She picked up her cell phone and typed out and deleted the same text multiple times. She desperately wanted to check on her but she didn’t want Rayas checking her phone on the road, especially in such an emotional state.

Fifteen minutes later Addie heard a knock at the door. She rushed out to open it to find Rayas in the doorway, mascara running down her face.

“I just sat in the car and cried instead,” she awkwardly said. “I’m sorry for yelling at you Addie, I don’t know what’s happening right now,” she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend as her lips started quivering, ready to start crying again.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Addie repeated as she tightly embraced Rayas. “Do you still not wanna talk about it?”

Rayas kept hugging Addie, not wanting to let go. “Can we just watch movies on the couch and cuddle for the rest of the night instead?”

“Of course,” Addie reassured her before gently kissing her forehead.

After about a minute of Rayas continuing to hold onto Addie, she let go and sat on the couch, Addie following after and sitting next to her, rubbing Rayas’s thigh as she fiddled with the remote.

“So what do you wanna watch?” Addie asked.

“Something with a happy ending.”

The two of them watched light-hearted romantic comedies for the rest of the night. Rayas still felt a little shaken up and weird on the inside, but she couldn’t place why. Being next to Addie made her feel a lot better though. After the fourth movie ended, Addie passed out on the couch, still sitting upright. Rayas stayed awake for most of the night, thinking hard about why she felt such discomfort hearing her legal name and why it caused her to snap at Addie. At around four in the morning she eventually stopped and just sighed, not able to come up with an explanation that made sense. She closed her eyes and fell asleep in Addie’s lap.

December 31

Rayas woke up to a sharp pain in her side. She groaned as she rubbed her eyes and looked up.

“Oh good! You’re up,” Addie said as she pulled away her lower arm from Rayas.

“Did you seriously just wake me up by stabbing me with those extra stinkbug arms of yours?” Rayas groaned as she reluctantly sat up on the couch.

Addie giggled a bit to herself. “Yeah, sorry, but if me pushing your head up to get out from under your lap didn’t wake you up, I had to try something else.”

Rayas sighed. “Whatever.”

Addie sat down next to her and gently caressed her face. “Hey. I’m sorry about yesterday. You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

Rayas tried to collect her thoughts. “I just like. Feel weird about being seen as like. A girly girl I guess? ‘Cause that isn’t me. I mean it was me when I was, like, a kid, but it’s not me now. I hate being called by my legal name. I hate being called ‘lady’ or ‘ma’am’ and I have for a while now but it’s making me feel even worse than normal lately and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just stressed out from getting ready to move? Not that I don’t want to live with you, obviously, but like, I don’t know, maybe this is something else. This is a lot. Am I making any sense right now?”

“Yeah, I get that. You don’t want to be seen as someone you’re not,” Addie said.

“Right,” Rayas responded.

“That makes total sense, don’t worry.” Addie kissed Rayas on the cheek.

“Thanks. You always make me feel a lot better Addie,” Rayas said with a slight smile.

“No problem babe.” Addie smiled back. “You still up for Cedar and Hayden’s party tonight?”

“Oh, yeah! I’m so down.”

“Great. You okay with going shopping with me right now? That’s kinda why I woke you up, to be honest.”

Rayas rolled her eyes. “You know I hate clothes shopping.” She hesitated a bit. “But. With you, yeah. It won’t be bad. I’ll get dressed.”

“Sweet! I’ll be waiting,” she said as she grabbed a jacket and headed out the front door.

Rayas went to her and Addie’s bedroom to look at herself in the mirror. Something about her appearance seemed off. She felt less confident in herself than she usually did. She awkwardly shifted around in posture and tried messing with her hair for a bit. No matter what she tried though, she always felt something was wrong. She sighed and threw on a pink hoodie and headed out the door and towards the elevators, making sure she grabbed her keys.

Addie stood just outside the elevator door waiting for her. Rayas gave her a quick kiss. “You got a store in mind?”

“Not really, you wanna just go to the mall and we can figure it out from there?” Addie asked.

“Works for me.”

The two rode the elevator down to the ground floor and walked out of their apartment. Rayas unlocked the door and opened the door for Addie before hopping into her car in the front seat. Before Addie sat down in the passenger’s seat next to Rayas, she grabbed some receipts and food wrappers from the seat and crumpled them up, placing them in a plastic bag she found in the back.

“I’m excited for this party, I haven’t seen Cedar and Hayden in a while, plus I don’t think I’ve met Cedar’s boyfriend yet, what’s his name again? Starts with a V, right?” she said as she finally sat down.

“Vaughn, yeah,” Rayas responded. “He’s cool. And I’m not just saying that ‘cause he’s my dealer,” she added.

Addie chuckled. Rayas smiled back as she put the key in the ignition and pulled out of the driveway. Addie turned on the radio and fiddled around with the before settling on an indie-pop station. Rayas normally never let anybody touch her radio stations, but she begrudgingly was willing to make an exception for Addie. Rayas hoped Addie didn’t want to spend too much time at the mall, she much preferred to pick out a shirt or two and then get out in less than thirty minutes.

“Hey, do you still need to buy new bras? I think you mentioned you needed some,” Addie abruptly asked.

“Ew, no, I hate bra shopping,” Rayas said, not turning her eyes away from the road. “Do you ever wish you didn’t have tits?”

“Huh?” Addie responded in a confused sounding voice, surprised by the question.

“I don’t know, they’re just annoying to deal with. I don’t like people looking at them, I don’t like drawing attention to them, they’re just kinda there and I feel like sometimes it’d be better if I just, like, didn’t have them? Do you ever feel like that?”

“Uh, no, not really,” Addie said. “I mean, I guess I get your frustration that you don’t want like, people staring at your breasts, especially guys. But I’ve never wished I was flat chested or anything, but, I’m sure other people have.”

“Yeah,” Rayas faintly muttered.

Rayas heard Addie start typing something on her phone but she kept her eyes focused on the road. She thought more about what she had just said. It could have been the reason she felt so awkward staring at herself in the mirror, she guessed, but she still didn’t have any solid answers for why she felt the way she did.

The two eventually pulled up into the mall’s parking lot. It was a little crowded, but that was to be expected for New Year’s Eve, even if it wasn’t a weekend. They exited the car and made their way inside, with Addie taking a quick glance at the directory while Rayas began eyeing the food court. After deciding on which store to visit first, Addie grabbed Rayas’s hand and led her up the escalator. Rayas followed Addie close behind as she walked around some more before Addie led her to Macy's.

“Cedar did tell us to dress up a bit,” Addie said as she walked inside the store.

“Uh, really?” Rayas asked in a surprised voice. “I mean, she isn’t the type to dress up herself most of the time…”

“I’m guessing it’s because she has her boyfriend over. I mean, I’m going to be meeting him for the first time, so it doesn’t hurt to make a good impression, right?”

“Makes sense, although I feel like I don’t need to dress up then. I mean, I buy weed from the dude, it’s not like he doesn’t know what I’m about, ya know?”

“Fair,” Addie shrugged. “I still think it’d be cute if we had matching outfits or something though, but you don’t have to. I mean, you probably don’t want to be wearing a dress or anything,” Addie said as she started walking into the women’s section.

“I mean, not having to put on pants is nice,” she replied. “But, I think I wanna mix things up a bit. How do you think I’d look in like, a pantsuit or something?”

“Oh that’d be cute!” Addie said while beginning to eye the dresses.

“Yeah, I’m going to try looking closer to the men’s section. I don’t see any over here,” Rayas said as she started walking away from Addie.

She suddenly stopped as she looked up at the poster advertising the men’s section. The poster had several guys on it, but one in particular caught her attention. One of the men on the poster was a skunk. He had a different body type, skinny with slightly toned muscles, and his hair was shorter than Rayas’s, but he still looked similar to her. They both had very similar fur markings with big fluffy tails behind them. He wore a gray suit and pants with a white undershirt and pink tie, almost like a wedding outfit. She felt a weird feeling in her stomach when she looked at him but she couldn’t describe what exactly she felt. It clearly wasn’t any form of sexual attraction, she was adamant about not being attracted to men. Yet she felt almost drawn to him. She looked around, the mall was crowded but Macy’s surprisingly wasn’t. She nervously sighed and walked closer to the men’s section. She doubted they would carry the suit in anything close to her size, as obviously the store wasn’t marketing the suit to people with bodies like hers. But it was worth a shot. She really wanted to see how she’d look in it, she decided.

She looked around, trying to find the specific suit in the poster. She aimlessly wandered different aisles with a confused expression on her face. She had never tried shopping in the men's section before. Eventually, an employee noticed her and got her attention.

“Excuse me, do you need help with anything?” he asked with a friendly look.

“Oh, uh! Yeah, actually. Um, do you like, have the specific suit the skunk guy on the sign is wearing?” she asked.

“Oh, yes we do! I can point out where it’d be if you want. Shopping for your boyfriend?”

“No, definitely not. It’s for… it’s for my brother,” she lied.

“Oh, my apologies, miss. Well either way it’d be over here,” he said as he gestured towards an area of the store that Rayas had somehow missed. “You’ll know it when you find it, I can help you find the specific tie and shirt he’s wearing as well, if you want the full outfit.”

“Oh, yes, please! That’d be really helpful,” she said. “Although… uh, my brother is well, uh, we’re twins. And he has a really similar body type to mine. Similar weight and height, you know? Identical twins and all. So would you carry it in like… something that would be my size? I don’t really know how men’s sizes work, to be honest, so I don’t know what that would be, but is there anything that’d be in my ballpark?” she awkwardly continued.

“You know, we’ve recently tried making more efforts to include more body types. So I think we would have something that’d fit your brother,” the employee said as he made his way over towards the suits.

Rayas eagerly stood behind him as he sorted through various suits, trying to find a specific one for her. After a minute or two of digging, he eventually found one that he thought could work, and handed it to her. The employee then walked over to both the shirts and pants sections, where he was able to pick out the exact undershirt and pants Rayas was looking for.

“There you are, the ties will be over by your left,” he said as he started walking away.

“T-thank you!” she called back. “You’re really nice! You deserve a raise!”

She grabbed the same pink tie she saw in the poster and went into the dressing room. She took off her hoodie and put the shirt over the tank top she was wearing, putting the gray suit over it all. She took off her jeans and fit into the pants she bought. She tried tying the tie, but couldn’t figure out how to. She grumbled a bit under her breath, but stopped when she looked at herself in the mirror. She smiled as she noticed that everything properly fit her. She really liked the way she looked in the suit, it felt right to her.

She changed back into her previous outfit and carried the suit out to Addie, who had picked out a wintery blue dress that she would wear that night.

“Oh hey babe, cute dress,” she said as she kissed her on the cheek.

“Hey yourself,” she said back. She had noticed Rayas shopping in the men’s section. “Nice suit. Didn’t think you’d be the type to wear a tie of all things,” she said as she looked down.

Rayas shrugged. “Hey, new year, new me, right?”

Addie smiled. “Right.”

The two of them paid for their outfits and headed out from the store. The two splurged a little on their outfits, Rayas especially wasn’t the type to buy something in that price range usually, she normally preferred getting clothes at thrift stores or online. Addie, meanwhile, kept a wardrobe of various dresses and skirts that she bought at department stores but she recently decided to cut back on spending too much on clothes unless she had extra money. But the two of them had a better than expected Christmas and were able to afford a bit of fancier clothes.

Rayas’s stomach suddenly started growling. “Can we stop at the food court? I’m starving,” she said in response.

“Oh yeah, you can go on ahead. I’m gonna go to another store real quick and grab some small things, I’ll meet you there later.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she said with a slight smile.

Addie left her and looked at the directory again, unsure of which store she wanted to go into next. Rayas ascended down the escalator and went back to the food court with her suit in her bag. She looked around at the various chains offered before getting in line at a burger place. She ordered a double veggie burger with a large fry and vanilla milkshake. She received and paid for her food and found an empty table where she started eating while waiting for Addie.

By the time Addie came back with a smaller bag in addition to her bag containing her dress, Rayas had already finished half of her burger as well as most of her fries.

“Oh hey, there you are,” Rayas said with a handful of fries still in her mouth. She swallowed. “So where else did you end up going?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just something for later,” she said. “That shake any good?”

“Oh yeah, really good,” Rayas said in a flirty voice before putting a second straw in the shake.

“Heh, I figured you would do something like that,” Addie said while setting her stuff down. “I’m gonna get lo mein or something, I think.”

“Oh get me something too, by the time you’ll get back from being in line I’ll have probably finished everything. And it’d be weird if I was just watching you eat by yourself,” Rayas said.

“‘Kay dork,” she said as she made her way towards one of the restaurants.

Addie returned shortly after as Rayas finished the last bite of her burger.

“See, told you I was gonna finish everything before you’d get back,” Rayas smirked.

“Good for you,” she joked. She pulled out two takeout boxes and handed one of them to Rayas. She dug in the bag and grabbed a fortune cookie, handing it off to Rayas as well.

“Here, you can have this too, if you want,” she added.

“Oh sweet,” she said while opening it and taking out the fortune. She put the paper down and immediately started eating the cookie.

“Wait, what’s it say?” Addie asked.

“Huh? Oh right,” Rayas said with her mouth full. “A big change will soon come into your life, but it will be for the better.”

“Interesting.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Rayas said while finishing her cookie and starting on her noodles.

The two of them ate their food while talking about how excited they were to meet Reese that night. They planned to arrive at around eight, which was a little early for a New Year’s Eve party but Cedar and Hayden obviously enjoyed Rayas and Addie’s company, so it’s not like they would mind. Plus, Cedar said that Vaughn would arrive around an hour earlier, so they wouldn’t even be early. They would probably just play video games and hang out until midnight.

Addie suddenly checked her phone and noticed the time. 7 o’clock.

“Oh, fuck! We need to get home like, right now,” she said as she abruptly got up.

“Huh? What time is it?” Rayas asked.

“Seven, so like, we need to go.”

“Oh, shit! Yeah, let’s get back,” Rayas made sure to grab everything as she gathered her food wrappers and empty takeout boxes as well as her new suit.

Her and Addie tossed their trash out and made their way out of the mall. At that point, they knew that most likely no matter what they did, they would show up a little later than they had planned. Nevertheless, Rayas drove a little faster than normal when heading home, which put Addie on edge. Addie didn’t care for Rayas’s reckless driving, in fact she often wondered how Rayas even got her license in the first place considering her poor eyesight.

The two made it back safely though, both of them eager to try on their new outfits. Rayas grabbed her suit and headed into the bathroom, leaving Addie to change in the bedroom. She eagerly took off her hoodie and tank top and put on the white button-up shirt, slipping on the gray suit afterwards. She pulled out her phone and set it aside on the sink counter before taking off her jeans and putting her new pants on.

“How the fuck do you tie this stupid thing,” she grumbled to herself as she tried fiddling with her pink tie.

“Addie!” she yelled out from the bathroom.

“Yeah?” Addie called back.

“Do you know how to tie a tie?” Rayas asked.

“Nope, sorry!” she responded.

“Shit,” Rayas muttered under her breath. “Guess I’ll just look it up on my phone…”

After what felt like countless failed attempts and awkward fidgeting, she finally got it to look right in the mirror. She licked her paw and slicked her hair back a little, grinning in the mirror as she did. She was surprised at how confident the suit made her feel, especially considering how weird she felt looking in the mirror earlier that day.

She left the bathroom just as Addie stepped out from the bedroom. While in the bedroom, she put on faint blue eyeshadow to accompany her light blue dress that she was wearing. She had to cut out holes in it so her extra bug arms could stick out freely.

“Finally figured out the tie, huh?” Addie smirked.

“Yeah, that thing took forever,” Rayas awkwardly smiled. “You look really pretty.”

“Thanks. You look handsome,” she flirted back.

“H-handsome huh? ...I like that,” Rayas blushed.

“I thought you might,” she kissed her cheek. “Come on, let’s go. I still have to finish my make-up, but I can just do it in the car.”

The two of them left the apartment and got into Rayas’s car. The clock showed that it was around a quarter until eight, reminding the two of them how long it took for both of them to get ready. Rayas again drove a little speedier than normal, causing Addie to wait on doing her make-up.

She eventually pulled up to Cedar and Hayden’s driveway. She parked to the side of their house, since two cars, presumably Reese’s and Vaughn’s, were already in the driveway. Hopefully their neighbors wouldn’t mind. Addie told Rayas to go on in as she pulled out her eyeliner from her purse.

Rayas stepped outside of the car and walked up to her old house. A lot of her stuff was still there, her and Addie planned to take some of it with them that night, but it still felt weird knowing that she didn’t actually live there anymore. She checked her hair a bit with her phone before ringing the doorbell.

Cedar quickly opened the front door and greeted her. She stepped outside wearing a Sonic tank top and sweatpants. It looked like she dyed her hair again recently, the top of her head being a bright orange instead of her usual red.

“Oh man, when I told Addie ‘be sure to dress up,’ I was being sarcastic. By the looks of it she took me seriously, huh?” Cedar asked.

“Well, she thought you might want her to dress nicely because it’s her first time meeting Vaughn,” she said as she shifted around a bit.

“Oh, damn, that makes sense actually. Well, whatever, no big deal. Hope you two don’t mind being a little overdressed compared to everybody else then. Speaking of which, surprised you’re wearing a suit of all things. I mean, what made you decide that?”

“Well… I saw this other skunk on a poster. And I guess a part of me wanted to look like him.”

“Oh, cool. Well you look nice,” she added. “So where’s your girlfriend?”

“She’s in the car. Still putting on make-up. You know how other girls are,” Rayas said.

“Sure,” she said as she started walking away towards the living room.

Rayas followed her and closed the door behind her. Cedar sat on the loveseat and wrapped her arm around Vaughn. Rayas noticed Hayden and Reese sitting on her old couch that she used to sleep on. Reese immediately looked up from their phone and took notice of Rayas.

“Oh hey, who’s this hottie?” they said as they walked over towards Rayas. “Name’s Reese, what’s yours?”

“Oh uh, wow, you’re really forward aren’t you?” Rayas blushed a bit.

Cedar got back up and noticed Rayas’s flustered look on her face. She stepped between them and rolled her eyes.

“Okay, slow down there Romeo,” she said to Reese before turning to Rayas. “Sorry about that Rayas, we’ve quickly realized that Reese here flirts with basically every girl they meet.”

“Well yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Reese defended themselves. “But, my bad, I didn’t know you were the one who moved out from here to go live with her girlfriend. That’s sweet,” they said.

“Thanks,” Rayas said.

“Oh yeah, how’s that been goin’ for ya, Ray?” Hayden asked while still on the couch.

“Uh, fine! Well, there’s actually been this one issue I’ve been having, but it’s weird and I’m sure it’ll go away soon,” she said.

“Huh? What’s that?” Hayden asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll talk about it later. But I just want to have fun tonight,” she said.

“Hey, that’s the spirit,” Cedar said before sitting back down next to Vaughn. “Drinks are in the kitchen by the way, knock yourself out. Vaughn can drive you and Addie home if you get too drunk. Right babe?”

“Yeah, I’m not much of a drinker,” Vaughn said.

The doorbell suddenly rang. Rayas rushed to the door and opened it, seeing Addie in full make-up standing in front of her.

“Wow, I’m gay. You’re gorgeous,” she said.

“It’s just a bit more make-up, dork,” she smiled as she entered through the door. “But thanks, so are you,” she smiled as she playfully messed with Rayas’s hair and gently kissed her forehead.

The two of them went to the living room and sat down on the couch. Hayden sat at the end while Reese decided to sit on the couch’s arm.

“So, this your girlfriend, Rayas? Lucky gal,” Reese said.

“Yeah, I’m Addie. We’ve been dating for about three months now. Nice to meet you! Reese, right?” she asked.

“Mhm. So what do you two do for fun usually?”

“Oh, well, I’m really good at cooking,” Rayas said. “I cook for Addie a lot, don’t I babe?”

“Yeah, we’ve been in the kitchen a lot ever since we became a couple. Rayas sometimes adds too much spice but the food’s always really good,” Addie added.

“I also really like video games. I mean, I’m not very good at them like Cedar is, but I still play them. Also really like listening to music, I mean, I work at a record store, so it’s almost kind of my job to listen to music. Uh, that’s about it, really,” Rayas finished.

“Oh cool. What about you, Addie?”

“I paint sometimes. It helps me relax after a long day at work. I sing and play the guitar, too, though I need to get better at it. I only started when I was around sixteen or so.”

“Sweet,” Reese said. “Ooh you know what we should do, we should order pizza. Also play a drinking game or something, maybe like Never Have I Ever? I mean, that’s a good way to get to know one another, right?”

“Sounds good to me,” Cedar said. “What’s everybody’s drink and topping preferences?”

Everybody went around giving what pizza and drink they wanted. Reese jotted everything down and went to the kitchen, grabbing drinks from the fridge. They handed out the respective drinks to everyone before sitting back down and pulling out their phone and calling the pizza place. They figured their pizza would show up a little later than usual given the fact that it was New Year’s Eve, but everyone made do eating an array of pretzels and potato chips until then.

“Alright, who wants to start first?” Reese asked as they cracked open a can of beer.

“I mean, I know somethin’ that’ll get all of you, I think,” Hayden said.

“Oh yeah? Go for it, dude,” Reese said.

“Sure. Never have I ever dated a girl,” Hayden said aloud.

“Okay, wait, technically we dated in high school,” Addie said out loud while holding a glass of wine.

“Oh come on Addie, me PRETENDING to be your boyfriend so you could stay in the closet doesn’t count and we both know it,” Hayden said.

“Yeah, okay, worth a shot though,” she said before she took a sip of her wine.

“Wait, also, point of clarification, do I still have to drink since I’m dating Cedar? I mean, she’s a girl sometimes but she’s genderfluid and non-binary so if you think ab-”

“Just take the damn drink, Vaughn. You’re drinking Sprite anyway,” Cedar said after finishing her drink of vodka. Everyone laughed afterwards.

“Okay, okay, fine,” he said. “Damn, guess you really did get everyone there Hayden.”

“Told you,” Hayden said back.

“Okay, well, my turn,” Reese said. “Never have I ever dated a guy,” they said while turning to look at Hayden.

“Guess I walked into that one,” Hayden said while playfully sticking his tongue out and drinking his hard lemonade.

Cedar took another sip too. Addie and Rayas clinked their glasses together while neither drank. Vaughn didn’t drink either as he tried to think of a good question, figuring they were going around in a circle from that point.

“Hm. Never have I ever…” he hesitated a bit. “Oh okay, I got one. Never have I ever been shot.”

Nobody drank anything and all awkwardly stared at him. “...You good?” Rayas asked with a concerned look on her face.

“Look, I’ve done a lot of things, okay. And it’d be more concerning if I HAD been shot, so I don’t know what you want from me,” he said while everybody kept staring at him.

“Okay, well, moving on from that. Never have I ever smoked cigarettes,” Cedar said.

Vaughn and Reese each took a drink. Neither of them smoked currently but did in high school.

“Okay, my turn, right?” Rayas asked.

“Yup,” Reese replied.

“Sweet. Um. Never have I ever been streaking,” she said, not expecting anyone to drink.

Sure enough, nobody drank. Rayas shrugged and quickly turned to Addie.

“Hm, let’s see… never have I ever vaped?” Addie said.

Rayas rolled her eyes as she took a drink of her blue raspberry flavored vodka. “Come on babe, that’s not fair, you already knew that about me.”

“Hey, I didn’t target it specifically at you,” she said. “See? Vaughn’s drinking.” He held up his solo cup of Sprite in response.

“Back to me already huh?” Hayden asked. “Hm… never have I ever sent nudes.”

Rayas, Reese, Cedar, Vaughn, and Addie all drank.

“Damn dude, you got us all again. You’re good at this,” Rayas said.

“Yeah, I’m kinda surprised at Cedar,” he said. “Not to single you out or anything but I’m just a little shocked.”

She shrugged. “Well, it was sent to this nerd next to me.” She snuggled up closer against Vaughn. “He enjoyed them, at least,” she said while gently stroking his face.

“Yeah… they were pretty hot,” he said with a slight smile. “Anyway, uh, Reese, you wanna go ahead and go now?”

“Sure. Uhhhh, let’s see, never have I ever… had surgery? That’s kinda lame but I can’t think of anything else.

Vaughn lifted up his shirt to reveal his top surgery scars. “Kinda transphobic, don’t you think?” he joked, with everyone except Rayas laughing. Rayas just kinda stared at Vaughn’s chest for a bit, wondering why she felt a strange sense of jealousy.

“You’re such a dweeb,” Cedar said to Vaughn as they clinked their glasses and drank together.

“Wait, you’ve had bottom surgery?” Reese asked.

“Huh? Oh, no. I fucked up my knee really bad when I was little. My dumb ass fell out of a treehouse. Damn wings can’t actually fly,” Cedar said. “You think I can afford bottom surgery?”

“Fair enough,” Reese said in response.

“Oh right, my turn, huh?” Vaughn eventually said after everyone turned to him. Uh… let’s see. Never have I ever been arrested.”

“That’s kinda surprising,” Rayas said out loud.

“Yeah, well, I’m careful,” he responded, noticing nobody taking a drink. “Anyway… you’re up babe.”

“Okay uh… hm, this one will actually surprise some of you but. Never have I ever been outside of Kentucky.”

“Really? Even I’ve been outside of Kentucky, we had a baseball tournament once in Cincinnati in high school,” Hayden said as he drank more of his hard lemonade.

Everyone else except for Reese drank too.

“Never left here either, huh Reese?” Cedar asked.

“Believe me, I’ve wanted to,” they responded. “Just never got around to it, I guess? Oh well. Maybe someday I’ll leave this state,” they continued.

“I feel that. Anyway, you’re up, Rayas.”

“Huh? Oh. Right. Uh. Let’s see. Never have I ever… hm. Never have I ever made a profile on a dating app.”

Addie, Hayden, Reese, and Vaughn all drank. “Oh. Oh wow. Wasn’t expecting that,” she said.

“Hey, not everyone can be lucky as you,” Reese said with their tongue sticking out. “Also I think our pizza should be getting here soon, so I’m gonna say this will be the last one. Everyone cool with that?”

They all agreed, it was getting difficult to come up with unique prompts anyway. Addie set her glass of wine down on the floor as she tried to think of a good way to end the game.

“Okay, uh, never have I ever drunk texted or called an ex? I already know Rayas is gonna have to drink for this one,”

“Pfft, you don’t know that,” Rayas said with a blush. “...But yeah,” she said before drinking from her beer can. “Probably why me and Sissy kept getting back together and breaking up again.”

Hayden, Cedar, and Addie all giggled, knowing how her and Sissy were often the classic on-and-off again couple. Reese and Vaughn didn’t understand, but Vaughn joined in laughing anyway while Reese drank.

After around ten minutes of chatting, the doorbell rang. Cedar dug around in her purse for her cash and handed it off to Vaughn, who went up to answer the door. He quickly returned back, this time with four large pizzas in his hand, which he set on the dining room table while Hayden went to the kitchen to grab paper plates and paper towels. Everyone grabbed their pizza and went back to chilling in the living room, drinking and chatting until midnight.

Several hours later, Cedar suddenly noticed the time on her phone. “Oh shit, y’all, it’s 11:59. Turn on the TV.”

Reese hurriedly grabbed the remote and turned the television on, trying to find a live countdown. Rayas and Addie huddled close together on the couch while Cedar and Vaughn sat on the loveseat. Reese and Hayden sat next to each other on the floor, the two playing video games together earlier.

“10! “9!” “8!,” the presenter on the TV screen loudly announced.

Addie lovingly gazed into Rayas’s eyes, clearly waiting for her midnight kiss, which Rayas happily obliged. Rayas playfully knocked Addie down onto the couch and gently touched her antennae. As the clock struck midnight, Rayas closed her eyes and pressed her lips against Addie’s. Her heart raced as she began slowly rubbing Addie’s thigh as she did. The sound of fireworks and cheers from the TV faded as she solely focused on pleasuring Addie. She momentarily stopped and opened her eyes only to see Addie romantically staring back at her. She subtly winked as she went back to kissing her girlfriend, continuing rubbing her thigh as she did so.

“Hey woah, you’re getting a little too wild you two,” she eventually heard Reese say.

“S-sorry!” Rayas said after sitting up and trying to play it cool.

“Nah, not y’all,” they said. “I’m talking about them,” Reese said as they gestured Rayas and Addie to look at the loveseat.

Rayas saw Cedar sitting in Vaughn’s lap while biting his neck, Vaughn caressing Cedar’s body. Vaughn’s shirt laid on the floor next to his feet.

“Hey, get a room you two!” Reese said while tossing Vaughn’s shirt at him.

“Oh, yeah. Guess we got kind of carried away there,” he said.

“Yeah, we should get a room, huh Vaughn?” Cedar cooed. “Come on, let’s go to the attic.”

“...They’re gonna fuck in the attic?” Addie whispered to Rayas as she sat up.

“That’s where Cedar’s bed is,” Rayas whispered back.

Cedar and Vaughn playfully laughed to themselves as they left the living room, Cedar pulling down the ladder that leads into the attic. Hayden grabbed Vaughn’s shirt that he left behind and placed it on the loveseat as to make sure nobody accidentally threw it in with Reese’s dirty laundry basket.

The remaining four of them chilled in the living room for the next couple of hours. Hayden eventually returned to his bedroom after playing more video games with Reese. Shortly after Hayden went to sleep, Vaughn came back to the living room and put on his shirt.

“Alright, Cedar’s asleep, surprisingly,” he said. “C’mon, I’ll drive you two home.”

“Well, Addie’s out too right now, actually,” Rayas whispered as she pointed to Addie sleeping while cuddling Rayas’s tail.

“Aw. That’s cute. Here, we can go wait in the car then, she’ll probably wake up soon after realizing she’s no longer snuggling that tail of yours,” Vaughn said.

“Yeah, sure,” Rayas said as she pulled out her car keys and tossed them to Vaughn. She gently got up and followed Vaughn outside.

They entered her car with Rayas sitting in the passenger’s seat. She figured Addie might want to lie down in the back and sleep a little longer.

“Hey, thanks for offering to drive us home. I know it kinda sucks being the only sober person at a party,” Rayas said.

“Oh, it’s no big deal. I’m not much of a drinker anyway,” he said.

“Heh, yeah,” Rayas paused. “Hey… can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Um. Remember when we were playing Never Have I Ever earlier? And Reese said ‘never have I ever had surgery’?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry if me showing off my scars made you uncomfortable,” he said.

“No, no, not at all. I was gonna say… they actually made me feel… a little jealous?” Rayas blushed.

“Jealous?” he asked.

“Y-yeah. I don’t know. I think I’m cis. Probably. But I can’t help but wonder, like, what if I wasn’t? You know? Moving in with Addie has been great, I love her so much, but ever since I’ve moved in I’ve noticed more how stuff like ‘miss’ and ‘ma’am’ and ‘lady’ bother me. And they kinda always have but lately it’s been worse than usual. Also when I’ve been staring in the mirror lately, I don’t really like what I see. Something just feels wrong. But… I didn’t have that when I was trying on this suit I’m wearing. That I bought in the men’s section. And seeing you shirtless tonight, which sounds really weird out of context, but anyway, seeing you shirtless made me think that maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling weird? Maybe… maybe top surgery is something I want? Maybe I wanna be like the guy I saw on the poster in the store that made me wanna buy this suit… or like you...? ...Shit, this isn’t sounding very cis of me, is it? Fuck.”

Vaughn sat there in silence, unsure of what to say.

“Sorry, I’ve just been meaning to talk about this for a while. I'm kind of trying to rationalize it as I'm saying it. Also I’m still kinda drunk right now,” Rayas said.

“No, no, don’t be sorry. It’s okay, I’ve just… never really been on the other side of giving advice before. I’ve usually been the one asking for it. So… would you say you’re questioning right now then?” he asked.

“I. I guess?” Rayas awkwardly said.

“Hm. Okay. Well, when I was first fig-”

“Wait. Addie’s coming,” Rayas interrupted as Addie walked out of the door. “I don’t want her, or anybody else for that matter, to know any of this yet. Is that bad?”

“Nah, I get it. I won’t say anything, just, know that it’s okay to be unsure and you don’t have to rush into anything. And you can call me or Cedar anytime you want to talk more about it. Okay?”

“Thanks Vaughn,” Rayas said.

Addie sleepily joined the two of them in the car, totally unaware of what Rayas had said earlier.

“Hey. Sorry for falling asleep back there. I’m so tired,” Addie yawned.

“It’s okay. I’ll probably join you in bed right afterwards,” Rayas said.

“I love youuuuu,” Addie slurred due to a combination of being drunk and sleepy.

Rayas smiled. “Love you too.” “Dork,” they added.

Rayas told Vaughn their address and drove the two of them home. At about 3:30 in the morning, they arrived at the apartment. Addie stumbled in the lobby ahead of Rayas, eager to collapse in her bed. Rayas smiled as they stayed in the car for a bit.

“Hey… uh, thanks again dude, both for driving us home and for well… listening to me earlier,” they sheepishly said to Vaughn.

“No problem. And like I said, text me if you need anything. I know I would have appreciated someone to talk to when I was questioning,” he said.

“Y-yeah.”

“Also, I’m gonna text you some like. Trans and questioning forums and stuff. If that’s alright.”

“That sounds uh… really helpful. Thank you,” Rayas said with an awkward smile as they opened the car door.

“Any time. Take care,” he calmly said.

Rayas hopped out of the car while Vaughn started looking for an Uber. Their mind raced with loads of questions but at the same time they felt completely braindead. They wanted nothing more than to just curl up in bed next to their loving girlfriend. They made their way back to their room and opened the door. Addie looked to be already asleep, not even changing out of her dress or wiping off her make-up. Rayas giggled, between the two of them they were usually the one most likely to fall asleep with last night’s clothes still on. They took off their suit and tie and unhooked their bra and haphazardly tossed them all onto the floor next to their side of the bed. They grabbed the nearest T-shirt and slipped it on. They got in the covers next to Addie.

“Goodnight babe,” they whispered as they gently stroked Addie’s forehead.

More gender thoughts popped up in their head, each one harder to answer than the last. Were they still a girl? Were they just gender non-conforming? Were they still a lesbian? Were they non-binary? Were they trans? Were they male? Rayas didn’t know the answer to any of them at this point. Just as Rayas was about to start crying, they felt Addie cuddling up against their tail, something she did often when the two were in bed together. It always made Rayas feel more comfortable, especially when Rayas felt depressed. They started to feel more at ease with their situation with Addie snuggling their tail. With strong support from her and their other friends, everything was going to be okay, they thought. Rayas closed their eyes and drifted to sleep.

January 16 (3:00 am)

More than a couple of weeks passed since the New Year’s Eve party. Rayas still felt confused and anxious a lot of the time. They probably figured that at this point, Addie suspected something, since she acted even more cuddly and sweet than usual. While they were a little scared Addie somehow knew, they nonetheless appreciated Addie trying to make them feel better. Hayden and Cedar helped move over the last of Rayas’s belongings into Addie’s apartment. It was a bittersweet moment for Rayas, they were head over heels in love with Addie but at the same time they weren’t sure how the next two years would go.

Especially with all of the gender questioning they had been doing lately. They felt a little selfish for thinking this way, but they didn’t want to tell Addie anything explicit out of fear of the two of them breaking up. Rayas wasn’t sure if Addie would be interested in dating anyone non-binary, they never had any reason to ask until now. But they also knew that Addie obviously wouldn’t date a man, and while Rayas wasn’t sure of their own identity of the moment, there was definitely a possibility of them being transmasculine too. Vaughn did end up sending Rayas links to various trans questioning sites and resources. They helped a little, and Rayas knew that at this point they definitely weren’t cis, but what they really needed was somebody to talk to out loud to help rationalize their thoughts.

They looked at their phone. It was three in the morning. They didn’t want to be rude but after a long shift of getting called ma’am at work, they needed somebody to talk to. And with all the confusion and doubt they had felt over their gender, they wanted to sort their identity out as soon as possible.

“hey, u up?” they texted Cedar.

They assumed that Cedar would be awake right now and that Cedar would obviously understand what they were going through. They got out of bed, careful not to wake the sleeping Addie beside them, and headed into the living room.

“can u call? its important,” they sent another text.

“Rayas it’s three in the morning,” Cedar replied a few minutes later.

“i know,” Rayas wrote back. They felt nervous while typing their next reply, but eventually sent a follow-up.

“i think im trans”

Rayas’s phone started buzzing almost immediately. Rayas was happy to answer and ready to tell Cedar everything. It would be good to tell someone while sober, they thought.

“Oh thank you for answering, I know it’s late, I’m sorry,” Rayas said.

“Nah, it’s all good, no worries. I wasn’t even tired, to be honest,” Cedar replied.

“Okay, well, uh, is it okay if I just tell you everything, I guess?”

“Go for it.”

“Okay. Um. So like, the night I moved in with Addie, I started becoming more aware of how gendered all my surroundings were? Like I guess when I was living on my own with y’all I didn’t have to worry as much about strangers looking at me and making assumptions and all that, so I didn’t really think about my gender or anything much, but. Almost immediately as soon as I got there I started realizing how much everybody looks at me and stuff. Like getting called lady and ma’am and shit like that makes me really upset. And I guess it always has? Like in high school I would always be like, why the fuck are you calling me a lady, and I assumed it was just a punk thing or whatever, but now I’m pretty sure it’s not.”

Rayas suddenly stopped. “Is this too rambly? I have no idea if any of this makes sense at all.”

“Nah, I think it all makes sense so far, I think it’s best you try to say what immediately comes to your mind,” Cedar responded.

“Okay. I’ll keep doing that then. Well anyway. Then I go to the mall with Addie, right, for clothes shopping before the party we had?”

“Yeah?”

“And I see this poster. Of a skunk man. And he’s wearing a suit. And I was like, oh, I need to buy that suit. I want to look like that. And honestly I figured, well, I’m probably just butch, I mean, butch lesbians wear men’s clothing all the time. So, no big deal. But I really liked the way I looked in it. And almost everything else I wear, just looks weird. Like, I never really hated dresses before, I mean I love not wearing pants, and I still think they’re pretty and maybe I’d wear one, but trying to wear one right now? Awful. I hate the way I look in them now.”

Rayas paused again. “Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. So that night while you were asleep and before Addie joined in, it was just me and Vaughn in the car, and I told Vaughn like, hey, I’ve been having these thoughts that maybe I’m not a girl, I mean, when he showed off his top surgery that one time when Reese said they’ve never had surgery. When I saw that I was like, oh, okay, I kinda want that. And I’m pretty sure most cis women don’t look at trans guys getting top surgery with jealousy, you know?”

“Yeah… I’d have to say you’re probably right in that case,” Cedar said.

“Okay, well, that’s mostly what I came to ask. Vaughn also sent me some trans forums and stuff, and some of it has been helpful, but, can you just like. Can you tell me if I’m trans? And if I’m trans, can you tell me what the fuck I am? Because not knowing fucking sucks, I hate this,” they said.

 Cedar remained silent for a while, wanting to word their next sentences very carefully. “Well. The short answer is no, I can’t tell if you’re trans or not. The longer answer is that while ultimately, you’re the only person who can know their own gender, I can try to help you by maybe like, I don’t know, asking stuff? Trying to get you to do more thinking?”

“Ugh, I’ve done more than enough thinking,” Rayas groaned.

“Yeah, okay, fair enough. Do you want me to talk about my own experiences? Maybe certain stuff will resonate, and it might push you in a certain direction, I don’t know. I can definitely relate to the overthinking and confusion you’re probably feeling though,” she said.

“Oh, uh, yeah, I think that would help, actually. Okay, so, when did you first start questioning? And how’d you come and realize you were trans?”

“Sure. I guess I started realizing around puberty. After we all watched some cheesy video in class one day about it, every other guy in my classes kept talking about how much they wanted their voice to get deeper or brag about how they’re ‘becoming a man’ or whatever. And I just kept thinking to myself, why the hell would anybody want this? And I spent most of my nights like, wishing I was a girl instead. And then I found out what being trans was and I just. Made the connection, I guess, and realized I was trans. Of course, then I started being more active in trans communities online, and I realized that I was actually genderfluid but still transfeminine, and that I wasn’t a binary trans woman like I thought I was, since some days I feel really confident in my femininity and other days I’m just sick of gender. So, yeah, that’s my story, I guess. Anything stick out to you?” Cedar asked.

“The puberty stuff sounds familiar, now that you mention it. When I got my first period, my mom was like, ‘oh dear you’re becoming a woman now,’ and I hated it. I was like, this is what being a woman is? Ugh. That was around the time I started dressing more punk and shit too. I wanted to be a rebel and not be her idea of a woman, I mean as a kid I did shit like ballet and wore dresses and skirts all the time, but then after all this talk about becoming a woman or whatever, I didn’t want to do any of that anymore.”

“Oh. Yeah that's definitely similar then, wow,” Cedar said. “Well, okay, do you feel any closer?”

“A little bit. I’m pretty sure I’m trans at this point. I just don’t know what I am specifically, though.”

“Okay. Well. You said you hate being called ma’am, right?”

“Yeah?”

“What about sir? How would you feel if somebody called you that?” Cedar asked.

Rayas thought it over. “I don’t know. It’s never happened before.”

“It has now, sir,” Cedar responded.

“Heh, okay. I kinda liked that, actually,” they said.

“Okay, noted. So what if, like, somebody on the street mistook you for a guy, how would that make you feel?”

“I couldn’t tell you. The closest thing that’s happened is one time when I was out in public with Addie, and some dipshit was like, ‘hey which one of you is the man of the relationship?’ and started laughing. I know it made Addie really upset, and it annoyed me too, but part of me wanted to be like, well, I am. I’m the man of the relationship. It was a weird feeling. Because they definitely just wanted to make us mad since we’re a lesbian couple, but, I don’t know.”

“Hm. Interesting. I’m trying to think of what else to ask here,” she responded. “Oh! Okay, let’s say that like, there’s a magic button in front of you, okay? If you press it, it turns you into a guy, but it’s permanent and you can’t change back, do you press it?”

Rayas spent a long time in silence. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I would.”

“Okay. Why would you press it?”

“I don’t know. I just. Want to be a guy, I guess? I’d like it way more than being a girl anyway. I know I don’t want to be a girl now. That’s for sure. But, yeah, I think I want to be a man. Like, hypothetically.”

“What if the button just like, made you more androgynous? And nobody used gendered terms for you? Or only certain ones you like. Would you be more or less likely to push it than the first?”

Rayas thought for a second. “Less. I want to be a guy.”

“Alright. What about pronouns? Have you thought about that at all?”

“...Not really,” Rayas said after a while. “Some of the forums and websites Vaughn showed me mentioned them, but, to be honest I haven’t tried experimenting or anything.”

“Well, do you want to? Like, right now?”

“Uh. Sure, yeah.”

“Okay. Let’s see. I have a friend named Rayas. She’s really cool. I helped her move out last week. I think a box of hers might still be in my living room.”

“Wait, I left a box at your place? Shit,” Rayas said.

“No dude, it’s just the example sentence I thought of,” Cedar playfully said. “But how’d that make you feel?”

“Not great. I mean, my pronouns never really bothered me, I guess, but now that you’ve pointed them out, the more that sentence doesn’t feel right. Keep going,” Rayas responded.

“I have a friend named Rayas. They’re really cool. I helped them move out last week. I think a box of theirs might still be in my living room. How was that?”

“Better. But still not right. It doesn’t feel personal enough to be me, you know?”

“I get that. I don’t feel that way personally obviously, but I get it. Okay. I have a friend named Rayas. He's really cool. I helped him move out last week. I think a box of his might still be in my living room. What about that?”

“...I uh. I really like that, actually, yeah,” Rayas said in a flustered voice after a minute.

“Okay! Sweet. You want me to keep going with a new set of pronouns or do you think those fit you?”

“Nah, I don’t think you need to keep going. I uh, I liked that a lot actually,” he said in a happy and excited, albeit quiet voice due to not wanting to wake up Addie.

“Glad that helps. So, still any lingering questions?”

“Uh. I guess I have a couple of things. Like, I want to be a guy but, can I still be a trans man if I still like watching cheer movies? Or romantic comedies? Or like the color pink?” he asked.

“Yeah, of course dude! Gender norms are fucking stupid,” Cedar said.

“Okay. Then uh. Yeah. I think I’m a trans man then,” he said. Saying it out loud made him feel better too. A lot of his feelings earlier made sense. He finally felt confident after a low point of self-doubt and confusion. “Yeah. I definitely am.”

“Fuck yeah,” Cedar said. “Happy to help.”

“Well, one more thing, though,” he said. “I think I might want a new name. Rayas was always more of a nickname to begin with, and like, it’s considered a feminine word in Spanish so, I don’t really want to go by that anymore, now that I think about it, can you help me come up with a new name?”

“Uh, okay! Sure!” Cedar excitedly said. “Any idea on where to start with?”

“I think I still want it to start with an R. Keep the initials the same. Well, not really, since Rayas isn’t my actual deadname, but, you know what I mean.”

“I gotcha. What about Rowan?”

“Ain’t that one of the professors in Pokemon? I know you named yourself after a type of tree Cedar but I don’t think I want to join you in that.”

Cedar laughed. “Actually, Cedar’s my birth name. My parents are total natural loving hippies. Honestly, if you name your kid Cedar Solstice, it shouldn’t be a surprise they end up trans.”

“...Wait, your middle name is SOLSTICE?” he asked.

“Did you not know that? Yeah, I know, it’s kind of ridiculous. I like how unique it is, though. Anyway, uh, how about Ryder?”

“Eh? Don’t love it really,” he said.

“Roy?”

“Nah.”

“Uh… Romeo? It’s hard to think of names that start with R.”

“...Didn’t you call Reese that at the party? I remember thinking it sounded cute…”

“Oh yeah, I did say that, huh? But, I could definitely see it suiting you! I mean, you are the romantic type, I’d say.”

“Heh, yeah. I like it. Romeo. Yeah. Yeah, I think I want that to be my name!” he said. He immediately covered his mouth after realizing him being too loud could wake up Addie.

“Okay, cool. Romeo’s a great name dude.” She yawned. “I’m getting super sleepy so I think I’m going to go to bed now unless you need anything else,” Cedar said.

“Okay. I don’t need anything else right now. I mean, I kinda wanna look into transitioning stuff now, but I’ll ask Vaughn those kinds of questions. But, thank you so much for all of your help Cedar. I feel a lot more confident about myself now that I think I have everything figured out, Goodnight,” Romeo said.

“No problem, happy I could help. And g’night. Be trans and do crimes.” She ended the call.

Romeo walked back into their bedroom. Addie was thankfully still fast asleep. He climbed back in the covers and smiled. He felt so much more reassured about himself. The feelings he had felt, especially in the past couple of weeks, made so much more sense now. The thought of him being a trans man existed since he began questioning, but it wasn’t until talking it out with Cedar like that that he really felt sure. He was really excited to tell Hayden, Reese, and Vaughn about it. Although he felt more anxious and apprehensive about telling Addie. She would most likely break up with him, which was completely understandable considering he wouldn’t want to be with a guy either, but the thought still saddened him. Still, he knew he didn’t want to remain in the closet forever. Romeo knew how unhappy Addie felt during high school, after all.

He decided that tomorrow he’d tell Hayden, Reese, and Vaughn at least. He contained his excitement though and closed his eyes and fell asleep.

January 16 (8:00 am)

Romeo woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing underneath his pillow. He kept his phone on silent and used vibrations to wake him up so Addie could sleep in if she wanted to. He begrudgingly groaned and grabbed his phone, turning his alarm off.

“Morning,” Addie said as she still lay beside him.

“Ugh, g’morning,” he yawned in her face.

“Ew gross, you have bad morning breath,” Addie said as she put her hand towards her nose.

“It’s not THAT bad,” Romeo replied. “I'll go brush my teeth in a bit, but can you do me a favor, Addie?”

“Sure babe, what’s up?”

“I’m uh. I’m gonna take a personal day I think. I have something important I wanna do. So can you like, avoid going to my record store for the next couple of days?” he asked.

“You’re skipping work? I’ll probably have to try and find some more clients to make up for it, but, if you say it’s important I’ll trust you,” Addie said.

“You’re the best,” he said before kissing her forehead.

He started calling his boss. He felt bad about using a personal day at the very start of the year, but he wanted to make coming out to Hayden, Reese, and Vaughn special. He could already tell that he wouldn’t be able to focus if he went into work that day, especially wearing a nametag with his deadname on it.

“Hello?” his boss picked up.

“Hi Karen. So I’m sorry this is like, late notice or whatever, but my girlfriend’s SUPER sick right now. She’s like, sneezing and vomiting all over the place, it’s disgusting. I’m trying my best to not get sick myself but I still need to stay home for the next couple of days and take care of her. You know, like, make sure she’s okay and make her soup and all that. So uh yeah, I can’t come in today or tomorrow, sorry!” he said.

“Ugh, you’re really screwing me over with not giving me a head’s up. But I know how excited you were for moving in with your girlfriend, so, fine, whatever. Hope your girlfriend feels better.”

“Thank you!” he politely said as he ended the call.

Addie looked at him. “Wow you really had to include me vomiting everywhere, huh?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Romeo said with an awkward blush on his face.

“It’s fine, it’s kinda funny,” she said with a smile. “Also, your boss is seriously named Karen? That’s such a stereotypical middle aged woman name.”

“Bold words, Adalyn Grace,” he chuckled.

Addie playfully and lightly slugged him in the arm. “Oh fuck off,” she laughed.

“Heh, sorry. Anyway, I think later today I’m gonna go over and see Hayden and Reese. I got something to tell them. Something important,” he said.

“Oh. Well, is it anything you wanna tell me?” she asked.

He immediately got defensive and turned away. “N-no. N-not right now, okay. I’ll tell you later.”

Addie looked into him. “Okay. Well, have fun Rayas. Can Reese come and pick you up or something? I need the car for work.”

“Yeah, sure,” he said. “I can call Reese to come and get me, probably.”

“Okay, well, hopefully whatever you’re doing is actually important and you aren’t just skipping work for no reason. I’ll see you later, okay?” she gave him a quick kiss on the lips and got out of bed.