Songbird of Passage

>Be Anon
>You knew something weird was going on when out of nowhere everybody started setting up this “Friendship Festival”
>It just seemed kind of short notice
>But you went along with it
>A great man once said to be formless
>Shapeless, like water
>So every day you dumped yourself into the 6-year-old girl’s teapot that was life in Equestria
>But even your enlightened outlook on the bullshit that you faced day in and day out couldn’t handle what you woke up to yesterday

>Something was off
>All the ponies looked cuter somehow
>If that was possible
>It was almost as if they were tilting their little heads a few degrees further to either side when they looked at you so that you could see both of their adorable cheeks
>And their muzzles looked…
>Shorter?
>Nah!
>So you chalked it up to some bad food the night before and went about setting up this festival
>But as soon as you saw Rarity you knew something was different
>You hadn’t noticed it on any other pony, but all of their hooves had a subtle heart shape to them
>And they definitely were not like that before
>You knew your hooves
>Normally they were dainty, oval shaped perfections that looked like they had been carved by Michelangelo
>And at first glance things seemed in order
>But upon closer inspection they did, in fact, have a slightly realistic, slightly cutesy, heart shape
>This bothered you
>But maybe, just maybe there was an art shift in the show on your world that somehow affected things here?
>It could always be worse
>Like when the Batman art shift made Riddler look like a cancer patient
>…
>…
>Maybe someone got a badass redesign like Scarecrow?
>…
>…
>No, no, hopefully, this hooves thing was the only change

----

>Surprisingly the day proved to be rather dull, just setting things up for this festival, though you had noticed that the throne room had a swanky fountain flowing around Celestia and Luna’s chairs
>Nice
>What was unsurprising was the giant evil storm cloud that showed up, along with the airship
>Although you didn’t expect the princesses to put up such a pathetic display
>They didn’t even use any magic to defend themselves, beyond Cadence’s shield, and Celestia just kind of waited to get statued
>Luna tried to run, and that went about as well as you thought it would
>Really, knowing their track record you shouldn’t have expected much

>So you ran like a bitch
>And you had to walk across some desert to get to a town that warmed your heart
>Junkcity, the home of slavers and the art of the deal
>Well you never caught the name but that was probably close, knowing this world
>It reminded you of Earth
>Your Earth, not this pony planet that strangely had the same name

>You had to agree with Rainbow Dash, and you never thought you would say that, sky pirates were the shit
>After this whole Queen hippo/hippogryph thing was done you were going to get yourself a ship
>Maybe steal one of the Storm King’s
>But it was pretty messed up that the parrot people didn’t have wings
>How fucked do you have to get by evolution to completely trade in your wings for arms yet still have literally every other trait of being a bird?

>And the whole sea pony thing seemed like a cash grab to you
>How long were they down there?
>Evidently long enough to build their own "My Little Mermaid" play set
>You still don’t know if you’re going to be running into real sea ponies in the future or just these fakes
>But hey, you were like water, and knew that the whole ordeal would be over soon

>So after a giant battle in Canterlot with all of your new friends you Disney deathed the Storm King
>Which worried you
>Every villain had either been redeemed or was still showing up every once in a while to get blasted with friendship and love
>But you all just killed this guy
>And the only time that ever happened was…
>Oh no…

----

>Ever since your revelation you had been brooding
>You don’t know why you hadn’t noticed it before
>You just thought that this was, like a season finale or something
>But the signs showed otherwise
>The last 48 hours had been exhausting
>And thinking about it that would be like what, at least a four-parter that you just went through
>Sitting on the ground waiting for the concert to start you look at your newfound “friends”
>Princess Skystar was definitely Kristin Chenoweth and you recognized Captain Celaeno as Zoe Saldana
>And the dirtbag dapper cat, that everyone forgave despite the fact that he tried to sell you all into slavery, sounded like the guy from that spin-off of Grey's Anatomy
>Not that you watched either of those shows…

>But this could all be a coincidence, it wasn't like they were big enough stars that this had to be a movie
>You didn’t see Danny Devito anywhere
>And that’s real star power
>After all, the villain sounded like a nobody
>And every good children’s movie villain *has* to be somebody
>But something about Tempest was familiar
>Hmm

>As you were lost in thought Spike appeared on the stage and introduced the nights only interesting form of entertainment since this “Friendship Festival” was basically just the GGG, but outside
>Songbird Serenade
>Now this song would be the make or break moment
>So far all of the songs were rather standard, nothing really screamed movie to you
>Every other pony pop star that you had met usually had, well, disappointing songs as well
>Maybe ponies just have shit taste in music and everything sounds like a generic pony song?
>Songbird was cute though
>Those voice cracks about gave you diabetes
>Who are you kidding, you probably already have diabetes
>Sugarcube Corner will be the death of humanity, aka you

>To your amazement, when Songbird began to sing you became completely absorbed in her performance
>She actually sounded like a professional musician
>And the song was good, not triple platinum good by human standards, but you could see why she was the best pony land had to offer
>But she was obviously voiced by Sia
>Shit
>Yep, this is a movie
>Hasbro would never drop enough cash to get Sia unless it was a movie
>It at least explained all the underdeveloped “friends” that you had only spent like ten minutes apiece with

>Your pleasant listening experience was interrupted by Tempest
>Whose real name it turns out was Fizzlepop Berrytwist
>And who is voiced by an American accented Emily Blunt
>Because of course she is
>So this is most definitely a movie
>And everyone knows what happens to movie characters
>There’s nothing you can do to change their fate

>But then you got an idea
>An admittedly awful idea
>A wonderful and somewhat shitty idea

----

>Be the Princess of coffee and lost sleep
>It had been a long day
>Actually you didn’t sleep last night so it had been a big 48 hour day
>And you were tired
>But Celestia forbid you actually get some rest
>Something was wrong
>Again…
>Roadie ponies were scrambling every which way and everypony was kind of nervously trotting in place
>Come to think of it you don’t see Songbird anywhere…
>Oh no
>You stop a hysterical stallion
‘Excuse me but what’s the matter?’
>It takes him a second to calm down
>’S-some…*thing* has taken Miss Serenade h-hostage…’
>What!
>Urgh
>And you thought that everything was finally over and you could relax
>Maybe catch up on some sleep
>But that teaches you to let your guard down
‘Where?’
>The poor colt had resumed his hysteric behavior and barely manages to choke out
>’Backstage’
>The work of a Princess is never done
>You teleport backstage and strike your best “Don’t worry the Princess is here” pose, your horn at the ready
>It may, just a teeny bit, be like Celestia’s
>Alright it’s the same pose, but no pony’s going to say that to your face
‘Don’t worry Songbird I’ll…’
>You look around the room and immediately see a headache in the making

>In the back corner of the room there sat a giant birdcage, inside of which was a mountain of pillows
>It was probably an unused set piece that was retrofitted to be a comfy place for Songbird to relax before and after the show
>Leave it to Rarity to make what was supposed to be just a simple room look like something from a Saddle Arabian pleasure garden
>Atop the pillows were the unconscious bodies of Songbird’s bodyguards
>They didn’t look hurt, just content in their peaceful slumber
>At the center of this snuggle pile was Songbird Serenade herself and Anonymous the human, who had one arm wrapped around Songbird’s barrel while the other was petting her mane
>These poor mares didn’t stand a chance
>You would later find out that the stallion guards ran away in tears after Anon said some rather mean things about their choice in mane styles
>’Oh, hey Twilight.’
>Songbird gently waved a hoof
>You breathe deeply, knowing that whatever Anon is going to say is going to be a little too whimsical for you to deal with right now
‘So Anon, why?’
>’I’m not letting them take her Twilight.’
>You gently massage your head to ease the coming of a headache to end all headaches
‘Eh?’
>’They can have the others,’ he pauses and is lost in thought momentarily, seemingly reevaluating his decision, ‘yeah…they can have them, but not her’
>He jostles Songbird a bit and she makes a startled chirping noise
‘What are you talking about Anon you’re not making any sense!’
>Not that anything that colt did ever made sense to anypony
>Anon stopped petting Songbird, which elected a disappointed “aww” from the mare, and started wagging his finger at you
>You were definitely not in the mood for this

>’Well Twilight, what a terrific segue into what I wanted to say!’
>Suddenly he dropped his whimsical grin and looked you in the eyes
>’Twilight, how many times have you met Discord… like actually seen him and talked?’
>You didn’t know where this was going
‘Uh, a hooful I guess?’
>’Hmm, and did he come to you or did you come to him?’
‘You know how Discord is, he comes and goes as he pleases’
>’Yes, only appearing randomly, sometimes months apart.’
>He wraps his other arm around the mare
>’Quite strange don’t you think?’
‘I mean, it *is* Discord…’
>’Anyway… I went to go see Cheese Sandwich a bit ago, you see I had this amazing idea that he might be interested in joining the music industry, with me as his manager of course… but he wasn’t home.’
>How does Cheese Sandwich have ANYTHING to do with this?
>Stallions you swear…
‘He does seem to be a busy pony.’
>’The thing was, I kept visiting, and every time I went he just happened to be out.’ his eyes bored into your own
>’Until one day I saw him in town, and well, I was so happy to finally see him again that I screamed his name out loud… but he just turned, looked at me with the most heartbroken expression, and walked off.’
>’I never saw him again after that, except for a few times in the backgrounds of pictures in magazines, or for a fleeting instant out of the corner of my eye when I’m out shopping some days.’
>You don’t really know what to say, did Anon and Cheese get into a fight?
>Stallions and their petty fights

>’What about Colortura?’
‘What about Colortura?’
>’Will we ever see her again?’
‘Well I don’t know when she’s next scheduled for Ponyville but…’ you were silenced by a deep disturbing chuckle from Anonymous
>’My bet would be on the twelfth of never’
>He resumed petting Songbird, seemingly less for her sake and more for his own
>’After sensing something weird was going on with Discord and Cheese I decided to go see our friend Colortura in concert, I mean there’s no way that she can disappear when she has concerts scheduled everywhere…’
>Well obviously
>’I bought a ticket to a show in Manehatten, lovely town, reminds me of home, but wouldn’t you know that as soon as I arrived there was word that the concert was canceled due to “unforeseen circumstances”.
‘B-but those things just happen sometimes!’
>’Don’t you see Twilight, anytime a pony has a voice that sounds like someone from my world: Discord and John de Lancie, Cheese Sandwich and Weird Al, Colortura and… whoever she is… to be honest I don’t really know, but she *is* someone…’

>You think you’re starting to see what’s going on
>’…they just disappear, and now with all these new friends we just met… they’re next,’ once again he releases Songbird to gesture with his hands frantically, ‘For god sake, Tempest sounds like fucking Emily Blunt
>’ We are NEVER seeing her again after this’
>’And I’m the only one that cares or even realizes what’s happening’
>He lifted Songbird above the cuddle pile and presented her to you
>Not like THAT
>He had merely turned her around so that you were facing each other
>And you didn’t look anyway
>HONEST
>”’This pony can’t help who she sounds like, don’t do this to her world, take Sapphire Shores instead…’
>At this point he’s just monologuing
>’ …no one gives a shit about Sapphire Shores.’
>Rude
>But you think you’ve figured it out
‘Anon, I know you’re scared but your friends won’t leave you like that’
>’W-what?’
‘I don’t know what they did to you on “Human Earth” but you don’t have to worry about being abandoned here’
>You step over some pillows and snuggle up beside Anon and Songbird,
>N-no homo
>Look at you solving friendship problems even when extremely sleep deprived
>Somepony gets a gold star
‘Sorry about this Songbird, Anon can get a little, well you know how stallions get…’
>Songbird looks at Anon and shrugs
>’Its cool.’
‘So Anon let’s solve your problem with abandonment tomorrow, after a nice,’ you yawn and wrap yourself around the silly human, ‘…after a nice long nap.’
>Luna’s sleep takes you before you can hear him gently tell you to ‘go fuck yourself.’