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- <span><marquee direction="left">ARTICLE #703 | YEAR 27 | D-M-Y</marquee>
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- <b>Did You Know?</b><br>
- marshmallows were originally invented to cure sore throats
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- <i> legerdemain </i><br><br>
- noun. the ability to skilfully perform tricks; the act of being tricky or deceptive
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- <span style="color: #00888a;">Olive Bringhurst</span>
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- <p>Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...a magical school with a dozen centuries worth of faults to name. First, and the only one worthy of stating at this moment: the pets. Or rather, lack of them. There are 4 pets commonly seen at Hogwarts, give or take a few. Owls. Rats. Cats. Toads. Each come from different regions of the world, all with their own quirks and ends. Out of the 4, I personally believe the owl or toad to be the most useful. The creatures have the ability to deliver mail, delight you with their croaks and hoots, indulge you with the massive number of owlsome puns, and are even a reasonable size small enough to excuse you from class a time or two (If you know what I mean, wink!). Despite all said and known, none will <i>ever</i> meet the standards of a monkey.<p>
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- The monkey is a furry creature, with 4 limbs used to leap from tree to tree when danger, fun or food approaches. They can stand anywhere from 4 inches to 3 feet, not even including their beautiful tail. Whether colored black, grey or brown, they hold a high intelligence, always questioning the happenings of the world. An omnivore, a monkey's regular diet consists of fruit, nuts, lizards, bird eggs, etc. Of course, don't forget bananas. A whole other category by itself, obviously. Just like humans, monkeys are social animals, often found climbing trees, sitting upright, and following the man in the yellow hat. Notable monkeys include of George, Bubbles and King Louie. Hehe.
- <p>To get a little personal, a few weeks ago I sat down to watch the muggle film <i>Planet of the Apes</i>. It was AWFUL. Why do muggles have such brilliant inventions like the television, but then use them for things like that?! Ugh, it was a dreadful way to spend my time, it turns out that apes and monkeys aren't even the same animal. I remember the room becoming hazy, my eyes beginning to flutter shut and the gradual sound of a snore coming into play (all due to boredom)...and then it hit me. Why were there only basic pets at Hogwarts? Where did the discrimination evolve from? Where did the line cut off, only allowing the aforementioned animals? It's not as if an owl was any better than a monkey. Right then and there, I knew Hogwarts was in serious trouble. If monkeys weren't added in the next decade, things would seriously go downhill.
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- <p>That truth still remains today. No, I'm not crazy or wrong. I'm never wrong! Hear me out--I have three reasons pertaining to this proclamation. First and foremost, you can make use of monkeys in transfiguration class. The current transfiguration instructor, Lex Ducharme (aged 30, he has many years left to teach) would be more than pleased to see this addition of monkeys in class, I'm sure! Not to mention future professors. If my thoughts are correct, a monkey to....pair of keys, or a packet of ketchup (just examples) is a much more useful transfiguration than the stupid owl to opera-glasses one. Some doubting individual might bring up "meddling man to monkey", however that would not affect this whole proposition. That specific transfiguration is human to monkey, not <i>using</i> a monkey to do so. Anywho, these creatures are also highly obedient and intelligent, so they can easily be used in class! They won't run away, nor are they frightening to students like a wildebeast (see litter-box to wildebeast).
- <p>Second, studies of interacting with these animals have been shown to be highly beneficial in boosting a teenager's mental health. In a school filled with moody teenagers, I'm sure the staff would love any help they could get. Both Quidditch and Exam (especially O.W.L.s) scores have skyrocketed, in terms of the students previously interacting with a monkey. Some spent 30 hours, others a quick 5 minutes. It doesn't have to be something momentous. Additionally, seeing and hearing a monkey has the 93% chance to put a smile on a person's face, sending signals to the brain that now is the time to be happy and positive.
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- <p> If I haven't convinced you already, the third and admittedly most important reason: the monkey species has got style! Picture this...your favorite monkey, but suiting electric purple sunglasses, a top hat that only William Davis rivals, and perhaps a bow tie if your mind so allows. It's lit! Over half of the population is jealous of the monkey can pull that combination off, but obviously they're too ashamed to admit it. Who wouldn't want to go around with a monkey on their shoulder, looking all swaggy?! More often than not, when dressing for the day, I say to myself, "What would monkey wear?". And then it's perfect. Perhaps a monocle rimmed with silver or a gold chain or two...the possibilities are endless. With this fasion sense they have, the monkey would be the pride and joy of Hogwarts. The school would known far and wide for it!
- <p>It's simple. Very, very simple. As some random famous person said, "Keep it simple, stupid." A monkey's care is simple. They need a wide open space, so either we convert the Quidditch Pitch into a house for monkeys, or we magically renovate house dormitories to satisfy an individual's needs. We've got to keep these creatures happy! Their food is also simple, house-elves have got that covered. This plan is realistic, and...simple. The term is entirely overused, but to stress my point, it must be! And...this comes back to my original question. Why on Earth are monkeys not acceptable pets at Hogwarts?
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