PROLOGUE

It sure was fucking nice to be out of highschool.

The teenager... MAN, that is, reclined against the back of the driver's seat, smirking. He had... well, "graduated" the other day. It was different for him. After all, he wasn't entirely human; he'd reached the maximum amount he was ever going to age, and had hit his peak. They had no reason to keep him around, and he refused to learn anyway, so why the fuck hang around?

He didn't want to admit to himself that that just meant it was from downhill from now, he was getting left behind, he was losing his touch. This was because it wasn't fucking true. He'd been taking that shit for ages. Mostly from newfags who didn't realize that no, he would never. Ever. Ever fucking change.

Anyway.

4chan tapped his finger against the steering wheel of the car, listening to some old 80s song. His own thoughts, blended with anonymous comments from his boards, swirled around in his mind. Ever since he'd gotten the brilliant idea to-hey-make them CONSCIOUS of him, open a livecam of what he was seeing, the works. After they got over their overwhelming rage at the idea of him-THAT sucked like shit, he wasn't even sure if it was self-loathing, just getting the feeling he should stab himself, but leave the forum alone, but the forum WAS him. He just tried not to let his frustration and anger show, but they'd FELT it as their own frustration and anger, and then, after a few big flamewars... nothing.

They got used to the idea, they participated, he continued to raise his cats and piss off his fellow websites in peace. They'd even started mailing him things; generally it was stupid 2006-age meme-ridden garbage, which was later thrown into a fire. That'd been met with equal parts butthurt and satisfaction. Sometimes they mailed him disgusting things, which were used as fuel for the flames and created an area in the forest no cat would touch for months. But, occasionally, /x/ mailed him things from... well. "Demons and aliens." Stupid shit for babies, basically.

Things fucktards believed in, in any case. Not him. Not even a little. At least, that's what he kept reminding himself, blatantly ignoring the fact that if he didn't believe it at least a little, why was /x/ around in the first place?

He just said it was to keep those assholes away from his real boards.

Tap. Tap. The last song was over, and the melody of "You Spin Me Right Round" began to play over the tinny speakers. 4chan looked back at the container, the thing he'd been trying to ignore for a while. It stared him back in the face.

It had come in a box with a letter that just said "OPEN" in broad letters. It was a smallish silver container with no visible handles-probably twist and pull off. Likely some sort of fucking bomb, he should find a field or something to open it in. He wasn't a pansy. He wasn't putting this off because he was afraid or anything, that was just batshit retarded. And yet...

And yet, just looking at the thing made him feel a little sick. As if he knew it was bad news. As if he knew that-oh, for fucks sake, this is stupid. With the encouragement of the anons, he grasped the container, and pulled the lid off with a small pop. The cold metal chilled his feverish hands to the bone. He tipped whatever was inside onto his glove, and had a look.

Inside was a small black pill. It was almost liqourice-colored, if you could ignore the fact it didn't appear to reflect any light, though it was as smooth as a polished rock.

4chan just stared at it numbly, before scowling, and clenching his hand around it. How stupid did they think he was. Mailing him unknown drugs? It was probably for some sort of kidnapping; maybe even just wanting to laugh at the seizure he'd have after taking it. Maybe just testing him to see if he could really survive things that'd kill humans;it was poison, it was toxic, it'd shut down every system in his body, it'd make him pass out like that asshole...

Actually, that... was a good idea. He grinned, and typed a short message on his own board. Sure he'd take it, thanks to whoever sent it to him, whatever. He posted pictures of the little container. A few /x/philes said they knew what it was, but he knew better than to trust anyone who went on there too lon-OH FUCK WHAT OW WHAT?!

Red blood was seeping through his gloves, between his fingers, and-IT WAS MOVING! THE FUCKING PILL WAS MOVING! 4chan threw it to the ground as fast as he could. His other hand was in his pocket as fast as he could shove it in there, and he retrieved a small lighter. He was swearing as loud as he could, before making his move, trying to attack it, trying to-

It launched itself at his face, into his mouth. He crashed against the window, shoving his fingers into his mouth, trying to get it out, trying to make himself throw up, trying to do ANYTHING to get rid of it, to dislodge the fucking pill. But it didn't work-in about 4 seconds, the pill had dutifully crawled down his throat, into his stomach.

It was definitely the 5th worst and most unpleasant thing that had ever happened to him. He coughed, feeling like he was going to puke, and glanced at the computer screen. They were already theorizing what it was. Bastards. He leaned against the window, panting, trying to get cool, trying to NOT look terrified, trying to not look as if he was suddenly aware of exactly how long the earth had until it'd spiral into the sun-exactly 1098 years, there'd be an asteroid collision-how making a decent bomb was possible with a few handy household cleaners, how he could go anywhere he wanted at this moment just with a thought...

...And how a single black shadow was staring at him from the passenger's seat of the car. He stared. The shadow looked back, unfazed. 4chan stammered out some threats.

It drew closer, faster than any human could ever move, Nick’s vision was flooded with darkness as the shadow engulfed him.

Then he passed out.
-
INSERT ANON CONVERSATION HERE LATER!!!
-

CHAPTER 1

The board itself instantly fell offline when he opened the silver box, which was only a big deal for his advertisers and those who took the internet way too seriously. None of the other websites even blinked.

However, as soon as the little black pill forced itself down his throat, there was a surge all over the internet from the other websites the anons had been to. Tumblr-who was taking nature photos-nearly fell out of the tree when he discovered that he could suddenly see through it, under it, and behind it all at once. Wikipedia, in addition to knowing everything in the past and present, found that with little effort he could see the entire timeline of the planet stretch before him like a glimmering thread. And Gaia-to her own intense annoyance-suddenly realized how Fucking predictable her shows were, and foresaw the endings to each of them as if the last episode was actually out.

Naturally, the very first thing she did was blame 4chan. He was always the source of these things. Always. No exceptions. Auuugh, she had to get back at him for this!
Just like how the endings of her animes came to her, she gained the sudden knowledge that yes, he was at the bottom of this, his body was exactly twenty one miles away, he was offline, and a red car would park outside in 5 minutes, unlocked, and with crayons melted into the seat. The owner had 3 kids, all under the age of six.

Gaia frowned, and rubbed her forehead. How did she….
…W-Well…. Maybe she was just watching too much detective anime. Yeah!

She ran downstairs, and did NOT steal the car. She wouldn’t take the bus either, ew. She knew what happened on those things, it was almost as bad as crowded trains. She was getting a bit frustrated until she realized that with a bit of wire from her lamp, the disc spinner from her old Playstation 2, and some other odds and ends, she’d have a device that she could attach to her bike and make it go 80 miles an hour.

She swallowed. This was just too weird. What the… yeah, she needed to get to him fast, so… wh-why not. She wasn’t scared, and he deserved it! That’s how she ended up tying her false purple catears to her head, putting her knee-length hair in a long ponytail, and donning a purple jacket. In less than fifteen minutes, she was off, icy winter air streaming past her face.
-----
Tumblr had descended from the tree after the… er, head rush had passed. He’d only managed to get five decent shots of the birds nest, but had gotten some good pictures of the cellphone tower about a mile away.
When he got to the base of the tree, he looked at his iPhone screen, getting a little annoyed at the custom case digging into his hand. It was “steampunk”, which mostly meant it had a metric Fuckton of clock parts and gears glued to it, and was spray-painted copper. He’d have to make a new one. Something a little more functional.

He scrolled down his dash. He followed almost 100 people, and the eclectic variety of pictures showed it. He reblogged anything even slightly interesting out of habit and principle-or even boring things, if they had cats on them. He absently brushed his blue hair out of his face and started walking back to his studio. It was a crummy apartment that he was renting, but it was still better than the dorm at his school…
He was going to get a drink of water, first thing, as soon as he got back to his house. He was probably just dehydrated, or dizzy, or something. It wasn’t a HALLUCINATION or anything. Ha. No. After rooming with Slenderman, and dealing with 4chan, ED, Gaia, and the rest of the peanut gallery, he thought he’d built up a resistance to batshit insanity.
He pointedly ignored the shadows visible at the edge of his sight, hiding behind the trees, just out of view. Yeah. NOT getting involved.
 He kept scrolling, getting a bit sick of seeing the flashing 100% bar reblogged over and over. Christ, he got it, the end of act animation was coming! And he was really excited about it! But he had the sinking feeling that as soon as it came out, his server would be crushed by the sheer amount of people’s excitement, and he’d pass out faster than Terezi encountering chloroform for the first time. Augh.
Oh, hey. Someone mentioned 4chan was down. About three seconds later, he spotted a rant complaining about the fact 4chan had apparently been crashed for at least 30 minutes. Tumblr grinned, and climbed the stairs. Serves him right. Asshole.

He opened the door and clicked the lightswitch on. The energy-sending bulbs that he'd put off getting for months clicked on, showering the room with light blue light. The room was full of WIP paintings that had been WIP for months, homemade vintage clothings, and a variety of other art projects that had and always would be put aside in favor of photography.

Eridan came up to greet him, so he smiled, and picked the small gray cat up. That cat had been through a lot... practically abused, huh... good thing he was safe now, right? Well, Eri? Good thing, huh! Oh? You want that string? Well, come and get it. Come on. Come-

Oh, uh, right. Water. He put down the string-which was promptly attacked by the cat-and walked over to the cupboard. A soft, pulsing red light from the answering machine caught his eye. He had a message.

He'd gotten an old rotary phone from a rummage sale, and with a little help from Thinkgeek, he'd gotten the vintage thing working perfectly. It was a landline, it had extremely tinny old speakers, and it made it a pain in the ass to call anyone with a lot of zeroes in their number, but damn if it didn't look cool.

He'd downed two glasses of water, then a third for good measure. Gotta ward off the HALLUCINATIONS. Maybe he should make another salt circle, or something. He pressed the button on the answering machine, and let out a long groan as soon as he heard the voice.

"Listen, you fucker, stop drinking so much goddamn water and listen to me for a second. This is important."

Before 4chan had even gotten to the end of the first sentence, Tumblr's finger was jamming the "STOP MESSAGE" button. Now he'd have to change his number, and that was always a pain in th-

"Look, stop pressing the button you idiot, and don't bother changing your number. You don't have enough time. God, just-just stop thinking so LOUD, okay? Could you TRY? I can barely stand your voice when you're TALKING, so this is-no-fuck off, fuck you, this isn't bullshit, this is serious fucking business."

Tumblr just gave the phone a Look. A major "Are you shitting me" look. The glass had been set on the counter, where it'd probably stay for a long time. "I never SAID it was, asshole. Look, if this is your halloween prank-hacking into my phone-you're going to have to work a l-"

4chan cut him off. "I never hacked into your ph-ah, fuck, fuck, don't do that!" Tumblr was already reaching over to the outlet, where the phone was plugged in. He yanked the cord out of the wall, the light on the answering machine went dim, and the voice went silent. Tumblr relaxed-he hadn't even realized he had been tense-and went into his room. He picked up his PRIZE MACBOOK, opened it, then slammed it shut again angrily. SOMEONE had written ten words on the screen, scrawling them in whiteout. Oh, damn, his poor laptop.

"TURN THE ANSWERING MACHINE BACK ON YOU HUGE HIPSTER SLUT"

Okay, now he didn't even care that he'd vowed to sever contact with 4chan-SOMEONE was paying for a new Macbook, and it she as hell wasn't going to be him! He plugged the machine back in. 4chan kept talking.

"Christ, the whiteout really pissed you off, I didn't know you car-OH. Augh. O-Oh, god, I-I.... I'm cool! Totally fucking cool."

"You're going to have to buy me a new laptop, jerk, before I listen to ANYTHING you say." Tumblr leaned against the counter. He was too old for this shit-
He grinned a little, despite himself. He'd always wanted an excuse to use that-

"Yeah, yeah, you're real fucking clever, faggot."

"DON'T call me a-!"

"Look, we... we can argue later, okay?" Suddenly, Nick sounded tired. Ugh. If he wanted Tumblr's sympathy, this was the stupidest possible way to go about getting it. Tumblr idly looked over to the pile of WIPs.

"I-No, you bitch, pay attention! How can I get you to-What. No. NO. FUCK. YOU. I'm NOT doing THA-NO."

There was a break. Great. He was gone. Tumblr reached over, turned the machine off, and looked at his poor ruined laptop. How could he fix THAT? Maybe Thinkgeek could help-dammit, he'd left the water on the counter. Now it was room temperature. He put the glass in the fridge, no reason to waste it. Kids in Africa could use that water! And maybe that'd counterbalance the fact that the stupid energy-saving lights made everything slightly blue, and made for terrible lighting. Maybe he could put in some old-style fifties lightbulbs in. Like from an old movie theater.

Well, he could buy them online, the internet had everything. He walked back to his room to get his iphone. His cat was-

....Black? For a second, he could have sworn the cat was just pitch black, like a shadow. Fuck, if he was having Slenderman related problems again, he'd have to... no, just ignore it. His cat meowed. Tumblr absentmindedly reached down to stroke him, doing his best to PAY NO HEED to the bizarre hallucination.

And then the cat exploded, covering the entire room in pink chunky salsa. The sound of 4chan screaming in rage and frustration came from the answering machine.

Tumblr stood where he was, completely silent. Then he numblr walked over to the fridge, took out the glass of water, and poured it on himself. He filled it again. He poured it again, trying to wash the cat guts off his hair, off his face, off his CLOTHES... a small puddle formed at his feet.

4chan was getting a bit hysterical, yelling about how he didn't do it, how fuck, no, fuck it wasn't it fault, that shadow BASTARD made him-

Static.

Tumblr filled his fifth glass of water, dousing himself in the clear liquid. He started to fill another one, but something that looked and smelled suspiciously like piss began to come out of the faucet. He turned it off.

He left the apartment, went to the garage, and passed up his fixie for a sleek moped. Time to fucking end this.

---

Chapter 2

The shadow disappeared. 4chan blinked. That was it? Pssh, that was-

It was like a slap in the face, like falling into a basin of cold water. He could see EVERYTHING. Everything that was ever going to happen, through the eyes of some cold, alien intelligence. The thoughts of the people he knew as they flashed on their faces, the-he could HEAR his cats outside, talking about how much they wanted treats, and how to best sucker them out of him.

4chan, in a word, was confused. No, he knew what was going o-no, this was no time for posturing, he had no idea WHERE the fuck he was anymore or WHO the fuck he was. All he knew was that this was way too much. WAY too much, oh, god, was this how Wikipedia felt ALL THE TIME? And at the edge of his mind, he could feel something laughing at him...

And then everything fell into place and made sense. With a bit of work, he could sift through all the information-even find tiny weak points in the timeline, that with a bit of a push, could be changed. Damn, it was really th-No. Wait. No. Fuck.

HE wasn't the one thinking that, was he?! No! That DAMN thing was trying to USE him. Or just TALK to him. In his fucking HEAD, in his fucking MIND, it-

It was laughing at him. Leering at him. Daring him to try and get rid of it.

He was pretty sure it was calling him a cocksucker, too.

4chan grinned. What, that's it? Holy shit, if all he had to deal with was THIS, it was like getting powers just for acting like himself...

"So, basically, if I deal with you assholes, I get to do whatever the hell I want? Just for a bit of help? Well, fine, sure, why the fuck not!"

He didn't even think about not being able to get rid of the thing when the time came. And in any case, he was interrupted. He could hear someone outside his van, stomping around as if they were really pissed off. Huh. Whoever he'd pissed off...

He smirked, getting an idea. Oh. Fuck yeah, he could do that?

He relaxed, and with certainty, he opened his car door. Instead of the usual forest, it lead to inky darkness. With a smirk, he stepped in.

---

Tumblr had been pushing his little moped as fast as it would go, but suddenly, a very... purple bike raced on ahead of him.

About half a second later, the rider's ponytail whipped Tumblr in the face, and got caught in Tumblr's handlebars, binding the two vehicles together. Tumblr went from 40 MPH to 80 MPH in less than a second, Gaia's ponytail dragging him along, and pulling her head back painfully. Gaia screamed, Tumblr screamed, and both panicked-Gaia turned around, and made an attempt to disentangle herself.

Tumblr, on the other hand, was a bit preoccupied with holding on as tight as possible, and screaming "KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE ROAD LOOK THERE'S A TREE DON'T BOTHER ABOUT IT" at her.

Gaia barely missed the tree. She turned to face the road, whimpering. Her eyes watered horribly, and Tumblr felt a small tear fall on his face, to his utter disgust. He slowly got the ponytail free from the handlebars, wondering why Gaia didn't just STOP THE DAMN BIKE. THEN he wondered why the hell she'd turned on the lonely road  to 4chan's house, and-

...She'd probably heard that 4chan was down, and decided to take him bento or something. Just like in her favorite animes! He got the last of her hair free, and reached quickly to grab the back of her bike. She let out a sigh of relief. Trees whooshed past, orange leafs crunching under their wheels, as if no one had been down this road in months. A chain link fence separated the road from the forest. A small furry animal scrambled into a bush.

Gaia turned onto the road that marked 4chan's now-permanent residence in his van. She clenched the handbreaks to her BICYCLE a good 200 meters away from the parking lot. The bike's breaks screeched like a very large bird as the poor thing tried to stop going way, way, way too fast.

Eventually the bike did stop by crashing into a chainlink fence, and both websites fell into the grass. Gaia got to her feet slowly. Tumblr lay there for a few seconds before standing, checking his clothes for grass stains, and realizing how terrible a decision it was to come out here. Not only did he NOT want to get involved with 4chan again, the bastard had EXPLODED a CAT. And he liked cats a LOT more than he liked Tumblr.

Then again, he'd exploded a cat. And THIS COULD NOT STAND.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interupted by a certain weaboo. Oh, yeah, she was still here. Gaia turned to Tumblr and pouted, as if she was disappointed about something. "Why are YOU coming to 4chans? He wouldn't even want to see you." Hah. Tumblr just WISHED 4chan didn't want to be around him.

"Look, I'll have you know my reason for being here is probably so much better than yours, it'd make your head spin. You go first."

Gaia made a little noise under her breath. It took Tumblr a few seconds to realize that the sound was "kekekeke". Got, it really WAS like she was some terrible anime character. "My reason's way better! See, I was on the internet, right?"

"Right." Tumblr said, unimpressed. Anything that starts "I was on the internet" and is said by Gaia can't be good. He looked towards the van. No lights were on... if 4chan was taking care of the cats, he could just do an AMBUSH. He could deal with him-he had a BASEBALL BAT and wow she just kept going

"And then, well, I thought to myself, hey, I could make a motorcycle! And then I thought, 4chan you Baka, I-"

"Wait, WHAT? You WHAT?"

Gaia blinked. "Called 4chan a Baka?"

"Well, that too, but-No. You made a MOTORCYCLE?" He looked at the bike, staring at the contraption she had attached to the front wheels. No WONDER her tires had started to melt...

She pouted. "Well, I couldn't WALK here, stupid!" She stuck her tongue out. Tumblr just shook his head. That really WAS weird, and-THERE. OVER THERE.

4chan had, quite literally, stepped out of the shadows as if there was a hidden doorway there. If you looked at him, you'd see that he was in a suit and tie and was grinning, which wasn't strange. But he was ALSO maskless. And, if you looked too closely...

...Tumblr's eyes went wide. Holy shit. Er. Dammit, he KNEW he should have brought the salt.

Gaia, being Gaia, didn't notice how 4chan had become a hole in the world. Instead, she walked straight up to monster 4chan, looking very angry. She jabbed her stubby finger up at his face, and opened her mouth. Then she began to SHOUT ANGRILY. 4chan didn't look fazed, but he probably wouldn't if he was normal, either.

Tumblr hung back, watching, waiting for him to-do SOMETHING. Pick her up and eat her? He was a pacifist, but he wasn't stupid, and he wasn't the one who decided to go up to him... he sure didn't want to rescue the weaboo from... whatever the HELL it was.

Gaia shoved at 4chan. Her hands actually pushed into him a little, as if he was made of taffy. She gaped, before trying to pull away. "Wha-?!"

4chan frowned, looking down. "Ah, for fucks sake, didn't expect THAT to happen. God dammit, hang on." He pushed her away, hard. She fell to the ground, looking just a bit scared, and began to protest and oh god ew what WAS that?

4chan just gave her the smuggest, douchebaggiest, most condescending look Tumblr had ever seen. Holy fuckamole. Tumblr reached into his TOTE BAG, and rummaged for his wooden baseball bat. He'd taken to carrying it around. Not for playing BASEBALL, of course, but for protection. Pacifist or not, dealing with 4chan every day JUSTIFIED whatever violence that bat happened to be involved with.

"Well, you weaboo slut," 4chan began. He was already warming up for a x4 smugness extravaganza. "What are YOU doing on MY property?"

Tumblr REALLY just wanted to get his SWEET REVENGE and leave, now, before 4chan could turn on HIM, but... well, let him deal with Gaia first, the weaboo proooobably deserved it. SHE'D never dealt with anything even slightly supernatural, unless you counted her obsessive need to real ALL OF THE VAMPIRE FANFICS as an education.

She got back on her stride, without the slightest bit of hesitation. She looked really mad now, but if you payed attention, you'd notice she was keeping a few feet between her and 4chan, too. "Y-You... you spoiled all of my anime! So many hours I was GOING to watch, just, gone!! What the heck was that for, yo?!" 4chan opened his mouth to answer, a flicker of surprise went across his face...

...Then he just smirked, whispered one short, hoarse sentence. Tumblr was too far away to hear what it was, but Gaia just plain froze up, staring at him. "Y-YOU-I-WHAAAAAT?! NO, THAT'S-EWW." She started to back off, an expression of FEAR and DISGUST on her face. 4chan just reached out, grabbed her by the jacket, and...

--Now he was DISTRACTED. Tumblr swung the bat forward with all his strengt, embedding it in the back of 4chan's skull with a loud crack.

Literally embedding it, to Tumblr's horror. It had travelled a good 3 inches into the 4chan's head, and got stuck. 4chan let go of Gaia and spun, which yanked the bat out of Tumblr's hands, and looked PISSED. The effect was ruined somewhat by the fact the bat looked like a giant novelty arrow-through-the-head headband, though. 4chan reached behind his head, and yanked the stupid thing out by the handle, and threw it to the ground. Gaia gaped in horror at the back of 4chan's head-what, filled in? Stayed a hole?

Huh, thought Tumblr. Maybe he should back off...

...No, it was just 4chan; if he ran, 4chan'd NEVER stop following him, and this wasn't even the weirdest 4chan had ever been. And it was HIS DAMN CAT!

4chan started to yell at him. He didn't even sound hurt-just really angry. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?! I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING YET."

Gaia started to slooowly back away, deciding that anime spoiler were NOT WORTH THIS. 4chan made a face, and reached out to grab her, before apparently thinking better of it. She wasn't the one who fucking HIT HIM WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

Tumblr just looked at him... DEFIANTLY. Well, not really. Mostly as if he was absolutely disgusted with 4chan. "What are YOU talking about. You EXPLODED my CAT/" Gaia just gave Tumblr a good long stare of disbelief. 4chan actually looked indignant and somewhat appalled now, in addition to "Angry as anything"

"What-You mean ERIDAN! Why the HELL would I explode HIM! I GAVE you that cat!"
"Don't remind me!"
"He's practically my cat!"
"No, because he's not out for my BLOOD, you bastard!"
"Shut the fuck up, you hipster bitch! I-" He seemed to be trying to gather himself, in the typical 4chan cycle. Tumblr gave his own incredibly smug grin. Guess things aren't going entirely according to plan, eh?

Gaia had decided at this point to just get out of here. She had crept away to what she thought was a safe distance, before grabbing her bike. She started to mount the makeshift motorcycle, planning on getting the FUCK out of here.

4chan snapped. The change in his demeanor was visible. "Oh, no you don't," He growled. Then he lashed out in her general direction, reaching...

And then Tumblr blinked. He started stretching, and he didn't stop, like some sort of bizarre evil Mr. Fantastic. Gaia screamed, but she sounded more shocked than scared-after all, 4chan wouldn't REALLY hurt her, right?

He grabbed her by the boob, and reeled her in. Her shock turned to anger instantly, and she shoved at him instantly. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!"

"You're in the way, you weaboo slut." Tumblr just watched, not really believing he'd hurt her in the long run, anyway. 4chan seemed to save all his "FUCK YEAH GONNA INJURE YOU HORRIBLY" for... for... him...

4chan grabbed her by the head, and pulled it off her body, like a preteen boy might do to a barbie doll.