glover

Watching for Speed Bumps on the Way to an A.D.H.D. Diagnosis - NYTimes.com 5/16/11 11:10 AM
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May 13, 2011
Speed Bumps on the Way to an A.D.H.D.
Diagnosis
By LESLEY ALDERMAN
WHEN Liz Goldberg, 53, was growing up, she always felt “a little off.” She received good grades
and even completed a master’s degree in health administration, but it was always a struggle.
In school, she would procrastinate and then pull desperate all-nighters to study for an exam.
She’d become hyperfocused on a project and let everything else fall by the wayside. Maintaining
relationships was tricky. “I would concentrate intensely on a friend and then move on,” she said.
She commuted to college one year simply because she had missed the deadline to apply for
housing.
“I managed to achieve a lot, but it was difficult,” said Ms. Goldberg, a mother of three who lives
near Philadelphia. “I sensed something was wrong, but others would always talk me out of it.”
Finally, in her late 40s, Ms. Goldberg was given a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity
disorder, a condition caused by signaling problems in the brain. The primary symptoms are
impulsiveness, inattention, restlessness and poor self-regulation. Children with the condition tend
to be hyperactive, but adults who have it often just seem distracted and disorganized.
Undiagnosed, A.D.H.D. can wreak havoc on relationships, finances and one’s self-esteem. Adults
with the disorder are twice as likely as those without it to be divorced, for instance, and four
times as likely to have car accidents. It’s no surprise that they also tend to have poor credit
ratings.
“A.D.H.D. is a very debilitating mental disorder,” said Russell Barkley, a clinical professor of
psychiatry at the Medical University of South Carolina. “It can produce more severe impairment,
and in more domains of life, than depression or anxiety.”
More than 5 percent of adults have A.D.H.D., according to a recent study by Dr. Barkley. But just
10 percent of those adults have a formal diagnosis.
Watching for Speed Bumps on the Way to an A.D.H.D. Diagnosis - NYTimes.com 5/16/11 11:10 AM
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It’s an expensive problem for many consumers. Adults with the condition, particularly women,
are frequently given a diagnosis of depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder instead — or their
symptoms are dismissed, as Ms. Goldberg’s were.
Ms. Goldberg said of her eventual diagnosis: “It was so freeing. I realized, ‘I’m not stupid — I have
a mental disorder.’ ”
Just getting the correct diagnosis can be costly. “Many clinicians do not know how to spot the
signs,” said Ari Tuckman, a psychologist in West Chester, Pa., and author of a book about
A.D.H.D., “More Attention, Less Deficit” (Specialty Press, 2009).
Clinicians may arrive at the diagnosis with a snap judgment, or they may send patients for
lengthy and expensive neuropsychological evaluations. Both approaches tend to miss the main
symptoms — and therefore waste the patient’s time and money.
If you think that you may have A.D.H.D., or that a friend or family member may, the first thing to
do is get a proper diagnosis. Here’s how to get tested and what to avoid.
Step 1: Test yourself.
Cost: Free.
If you’re not quite sure if you or a family member has the disorder, start by printing out the Adult
A.D.H.D. Self-Report Scale and answering the 18-question assessment. It was developed by a
team of psychiatrists in conjunction with the World Health Organization, and it is used by many
clinicians to diagnose A.D.H.D.
The test is simple and has a straightforward scoring system. Use the results only as a guide to
gauge your symptoms or a family member’s; it should not serve as a final diagnosis.
Bear in mind that A.D.H.D. is not something you suddenly develop as an adult; you are born with
it. “If you tell me, ‘My life was fine until I was 24,’ you don’t have this disorder,” said Dr. Barkley.
Avoid: Snap diagnoses.
Diagnosing this disorder takes time. A quick assessment, even by your favorite doctor or
therapist, can miss important signs.
“I can’t guess how many clients I have had who have seen other psychologists, psychiatrists and
Watching for Speed Bumps on the Way to an A.D.H.D. Diagnosis - NYTimes.com 5/16/11 11:10 AM
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primary care physicians who missed their A.D.H.D., even though it was burning like a bonfire,”
said Dr. Tuckman. “It’s possible to make a diagnosis by using a rating scale and a 10-minute
discussion, but it’s also far too easy to make an inaccurate diagnosis or miss a diagnosis.”
Step 2: Find an experienced clinician.
Cost: $200 to $500.
Make an appointment, or more than one, with a psychiatrist, psychologist or neurologist who has
expertise in diagnosing A.D.H.D. Ask your doctor or a psychotherapist for a recommendation, or
contact a local chapter of the organization Children and Adults With Attention
Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (informally known as Chadd) and inquire about local
professionals.
Dr. Barkley also suggests calling a nearby medical school or university psychiatry program and
asking whether there is a doctor on staff who specializes in adult A.D.H.D.
An experienced clinician will typically schedule a two- to three-hour interview in one long visit, or
two or three shorter ones. The clinician will ask about your history — how you performed in
school as a child, how you got along with family members and friends.
The clinician also will ask about your present life — your job, your relationships, your driving
record and your finances. He or she will also want to know if other members of your immediate
family have an A.D.H.D. diagnosis.
To be found to have A.D.H.D., you must have specific symptoms that interfere with a significant
part of your life, like your job or your marriage.
“Everyone has some of these symptoms,” said Dr. Tuckman. “But the person with A.D.H.D. has
had them his entire life, and they are chronic and pervasive.” You can find the detailed diagnostic
criteria on the Chadd Web site.
The clinician will most likely want to corroborate what you say with a family member. Some
clinicians ask that a family member come to the interview, or fill out a questionnaire about your
behavior and habits. “People with A.D.H.D. tend to underreport their symptoms,” said Dr.
Barkley.
Avoid: An expensive neuropsychological evaluation.
Watching for Speed Bumps on the Way to an A.D.H.D. Diagnosis - NYTimes.com 5/16/11 11:10 AM
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You don’t need a costly and time-consuming neuropsychological evaluation — a series of tests
that evaluate cognitive, behavioral and executive functioning and language skills.
“These tests were not designed to pick up A.D.H.D. deficits and are not sensitive enough,” said
Dr. Tuckman. “It’s also overkill. It takes far longer and costs far more, $2,000 to $5,000, than is
necessary.”
“Overtesting is a real problem” for patients seeking A.D.H.D. diagnoses, added Dr. Barkley. Not
only are so-called neuropsychological tests inaccurate when it comes to A.D.H.D., but some
unscrupulous providers may push them to reap bigger reimbursements from insurers.
A neuropsychological evaluation is useful, however, if you suspect you have learning disabilities or
need accommodations in school or on tests.
Step 3: Understand your diagnosis.
Cost: $50 or so for some helpful books.
If you are given a diagnosis of A.D.H.D., study up on the disorder. Several helpful books are
available, including Dr. Barkley’s “Taking Charge of Adult A.D.H.D.” (Guilford, 2010) and
“Understanding Girls with AD/HD” (Advantage, 1999), by Kathleen Nadeau, Ellen Littman and
Patricia Quinn, which Ms. Goldberg recommends.
Cognitive behavioral therapy often is helpful for people with A.D.H.D. A new book, “CognitiveBehavioral
Therapy for Adult A.D.H.D.” (Guilford, 2011), by Mary V. Solanto, just came out on
this topic, and it describes strategies that may help people with the condition become more
effective at everyday tasks.
Your clinician will probably suggest that you try medication as well as behavior therapy.
Avoid: Feeling stigmatized.
Many new patients with A.D.H.D. benefit from joining a support group. You can find one on the
Chadd Web site.
“Most people feel a tremendous sense of relief when they are diagnosed,” said Dr. Tuckman.
“They realize, ‘My future doesn’t have to look like my past.’ ”
Watching for Speed Bumps on the Way to an A.D.H.D. Diagnosis - NYTimes.com 5/16/11 11:10 AM
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Lesson One: Why Nice Guys Fail to
Live Up to Their Potential
Lesson Overview
Youʼre a Nice Guy. Maybe you are one of the nicest people you know. As a
Nice Guy, you believe there should be payoffs for being so nice: respect,
appreciation, a smooth life. Unfortunately, it doesnʼt matter if you are a
student, a salesperson, an administrative assistant, a self-employed
entrepreneur, a musician, or a middle manager—being a Nice Guy is never
going to get you what you want at work or in your career.
This lesson will answer the question "Whatʼs wrong with being a Nice
Guy?" It will illustrate why your ineffective ways of thinking and acting keep
you from living up to your full potential at work and in your career. It will
also list Six Deadly Sins that are guaranteed to keep you spending the best
years of your life toiling in your chosen careerʼs equivalent of "middle
management."
Time Estimate: It should take approximately three hours to complete this
lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
Understand the difference between genuine niceness and "fraudulent
niceness."
Identify how you use "covert contracts" in work and career.
Identify and illustrate how being a Nice Guy has had a detrimental effect on
your work and career.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Reading Assignment:
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter One
Lesson One Lecture
Youʼre a Nice Guy. You might even go so far as to say that you are one of
the nicest people you know. As a Nice Guy, you believe there should be
payoffs for being so nice. Nothing big—that would be grandiose and selfish,
and thatʼs not nice. Just some respect, some appreciation, some love, and
a smooth life. Thatʼs not too much to ask.
Having read Chapter One of No More Mr. Nice Guy, you may be coming to
the realization that you suffer from the Nice Guy Syndrome. (Despite the
fact that the word "guy" is used in the definition, this syndrome applies
equally to men and to women.) You may have seen yourself all too clearly
in the illustrations and the list of Nice Guy characteristics. You recognize
the ways you seek approval, avoid conflict, take care of other people, shun
risks, and keep the peace. You see it in your relationships. Maybe you see
it at work and in your career.
Perhaps your greatest realization, and possibly the most difficult one, is
that you are intelligent, hard working, and talented—but only moderately
successful. Like most Nice Guys, you may be good at looking good, but not
so great at being great.
In this course we will address how to get out of your own way and live up to
your full potential. Before we proceed with this agenda, however, letʼs take
a moment to answer a few questions you may have from your reading
assignment.
Does the phenomenon of the Nice Guy Syndrome apply to women?
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
Yes. Long before the social changes of the last 50 years created a legion of
male Nice Guys, countless generations of women had been trained by their
mothers and their motherʼs mothers to be "nice." While feminism may have
raised womenʼs collective consciousness and given them permission to try
out other roles, women still receive countless overt and covert messages
encouraging them to be "nice."
If you are female and the characteristics of the Nice Guy Syndrome
presented in Chapter 1 apply to you, you are in the right place. As you read
NMMNG, replace the masculine pronouns with feminine ones. In our
lectures we will use the term "Nice Guy" to describe both men and women.
Can we apply the relationship principles presented in NMMNG to work
and career?
For many Nice Guys, these seem like two very different arenas of life—
playing fields that require a very different set of rules. It is often assumed
that to get ahead in the business world, you have to be willing to lie, cheat,
and break the rules. Our current business climate hasnʼt done much to
dispel that notion. You may be asking, "Are we talking about going from
being respectful, civil, and honest, to being like all the crooks we hear
about on the news?" No.
The following seven lessons will deal specifically with applying the
principles of NMMNG to work and career. We will be working from the
premise that being "nice" creates an artificial glass ceiling that prevents
Nice Guys from living up to their full potential. Rather than becoming the
opposite of "nice," we will explore the concept of becoming a "Full
Achiever."
Before we can do this, we first need to understand how being a Nice Guy
automatically inhibits and sabotages success. Letʼs do a little groundwork.
Whatʼs Wrong with Being a Nice Guy?
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
The most common question we hear is "Whatʼs wrong with being a Nice
Guy?" Even after reading Chapter One of NMMNG, you may still be asking
this question. You may even be telling yourself that it makes you feel good
to be nice. And besides, your profession doesnʼt need any more jerks than
it already has. Here is the fundamental problem with being a Nice Guy:
You arenʼt really nice, and being a Nice Guy will never get you what you
want.
Now that we have your attention, letʼs look closely at two fundamental flaws
in the Nice Guy paradigm: fraudulent niceness and covert contracts.
Fraudulent Niceness
Initially, many people have a difficult time grasping why being "nice" is a
problem. It makes no sense to encourage people to not be nice. The truth
is, we could use more niceness in our society. That is, if we are talking
about a genuine kind of niceness.
Genuine niceness exudes from people who feel good about themselves.
These people are naturally honest, accountable, respectful, and generous.
These people act with integrity and are a joy to be around.
Unfortunately, Nice Guys do not fit in this category. Nice Guys try to be nice
for three reasons:
• They believe this is the only way to get people to like them
• They believe this is the only way to get their needs met
• They believe this is the way to have a smooth, problem-free life
These core beliefs make the Nice Guy type of niceness inherently
manipulative, calculated, dishonest, and fraudulent. Nice Guys are not
motivated by doing the right thing; they are motivated by the core beliefs
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
listed above. As you read in Chapter One, Nice Guys are often anything but
nice.
For example, a Nice Guy might avoid telling a coworker that certain
behaviors are putting her job at risk. The Nice Guy would try to present the
information in a way that wouldnʼt upset or offend the coworker. Because
the Nice Guy acts in an indirect and "nice" way, he doesnʼt tell the truth. As
a result, the coworker misses the point, doesnʼt make the necessary
changes, and ends up getting fired. The genuinely nice thing to do would
have been to tell the truth without holding back or trying to sugarcoat the
issue.
Covert Contracts
No doubt youʼve heard the conventional wisdom that "nice guys finish last."
This is actually a myth. Nice Guys, as we define them in NMMNG, are
actually often talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Because of
these traits and their conscientious approach to life, Nice Guys often rise to
the forefront of the middle of the pack.
Maybe youʼve noticed this. Youʼre smart enough. Youʼre hardworking. You
show up on time every day. Youʼre well liked by coworkers. Your boss is
usually on your side. You donʼt rock the boat and you donʼt make demands.
Youʼve probably done okay. But when you look around, you notice that
someone who is no smarter than you, no more talented than you, and no
harder working than you, gets the recognition, promotion, bonuses, and
opportunities that seem to pass you by.
Something is wrong with this picture.
Hereʼs the problem: Nice Guys give to get. They work from an ineffective
covert contract. Their unspoken and often unconscious agreement with the
world is:
"If I am good and do everything right, then I should be rewarded with
approval, success, and a smooth life."
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
You give, but you donʼt always seem to get as much back. You treat people
with kindness and respect, but too often get stepped on in return. You try to
follow the rules and do everything "right," but your efforts are usually
unappreciated, go unrewarded, or are even criticized.
Unfortunately, life doesnʼt follow your rules. No degree of trying harder is
ever going to change this reality.
Hereʼs the bottom line: It doesnʼt matter if you are a student, a salesperson,
an administrative assistant, a self-employed entrepreneur, a musician, or a
middle manager, your covert contracts are never going to get you what you
want in life. The most you really have to look forward to is spending the
best years of your life toiling in your chosen careerʼs equivalent of "middle
management"—career purgatory.
Destined for Mediocrity
A list of Nice Guy traits is presented in Chapter One of No More Mr. Nice
Guy. Itʼs likely that many of these traits have manifested themselves in
every area of your life. They are your calling card. When it comes to work
and career, we have found that these characteristics morph into Six Deadly
Sins that prevent Nice Guys from becoming Full Achievers. (We know there
should be seven, but it just didnʼt work out that way.)
Nice Guys fail to become Full Achievers because of their need for
approval. As long as your behavior is guided by a need for approval, you
will be directed by an internal "committee of mediocrity." This inhibits any
kind of true integrity and success in your life.
Nice Guys fail to become Full Achievers because of their small
thinking. Unconsciously, you probably donʼt believe there is enough to go
around. Consequently, you often settle for scraps and convince yourself
that this is the best you can hope for. This belief prevents you from seeing
and accepting the abundance of the world around you.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
Nice Guys fail to become Full Achievers because they allow fear to
control them. You probably play it safe at work and in your career. Your
fear of making a mistake or failing keeps a self-constructed glass ceiling of
mediocrity above your head.
Nice Guys fail to become Full Achievers because of their tendency to
get distracted. If you are like most Nice Guys, you are a pro at majoring in
minors. By keeping busy with the trivial and the seemingly important, you
become a victim of "deceptive productivity."
Nice Guys fail to become Full Achievers because they hold on to the
familiar. Youʼve been following the same path for so long, you assume that
it is the only way to think, feel, and act. By hanging on to the familiar, you
are destined to keep on having what youʼve always had.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
Nice Guys fail to become Full Achievers because they often try to go
it alone. Believe it or not, the people who love you the most may have the
greatest investment in your not becoming a Full Achiever. On top of this,
you probably arenʼt very good at asking for help from people who are in a
position to give you what you need. This ensures youʼll always be busy and
moderately successful, but never all that you can be.
The following lessons will teach you new ways of thinking and acting. They
will help you confront these Six Deadly Sins and start you down the road to
becoming a Full Achiever. If you know youʼve got what it takes to rise to the
top and make your mark, then youʼve come to the right place.
Lesson One Homework
Post your answers in the online class forum for Lesson One.
1. Review the list of Nice Guy characteristics in Chapter One of No More
Mr. Nice Guy. In the margin of your book, put a check next to the traits you
recognize in yourself. Share with the class one of the traits that most
affects you in work and career.
2. Have you worked with other Nice Guys? Describe your experience.
3. Choose one of the characteristics of the Nice Guy Syndrome described
in this lesson, such as fraudulent niceness, covert contracts, or one of the
six deadly sins. Share with the class an example of how this trait has
manifested itself in your work or career.
4. At work or in your business this week, notice how your Nice Guy ways of
thinking and acting are manifested. Pay attention to the following dynamics:
• How you seek approval
• How you avoid conflict
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
• How you get caught up in trivial matters that prevent you from
focusing on whatʼs important
• How you cover up your mistakes
• How you give to get
• How you feel victimized or unappreciated
Share an example of one of the traits you observed this week. How do you
think this trait has been detrimental to your career or business?
5. Give a couple of examples of how you fall prey to "Deceptive
Productivity."
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9





Why Doing Awesome Work Means Making
Yourself Vulnerable
http://www.fastcompany.com/3001319/why-doing-awesome-work-means-makingyourself-vulnerable
BY DRAKE BAER | SEPTEMBER 17, 2012
In "Daring Greatly," Brené Brown illustrates why in
business, as in life, giving your all--and asking your team to
give their all--means opening up.
The first time Brené Brown read Theodore Roosevelt's exhortation that it is
not the critic who counts, but rather "the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood," and that "if he fails, he at
least fails while daring greatly," the author knew that what the pugilistic
president was talking about back in 1910 was what she researches today:
vulnerability.
And so those last two words are the title of her newest book, Daring Greatly,
from publisher Gotham. Fast Company talked with Brown about why
vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, how engagement got to be
uncool, and why perfectionism is the enemy of getting work done.
FAST COMPANY: If I were to say to you, "I'm in business, I don't do
vulnerability"--how would you respond to that?
BRENÉ BROWN: I would say that you do do vulnerability. There's no way
to opt out of vulnerability. You do do it--so if you're not aware of how you do
it or how you deal with it, that is probably holding you back in business
somehow.
Vulnerability is simply defined as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
And if you are alive and in relationship, you do vulnerability. If you are alive
and in relationship and in business, you do it hourly.
The question becomes, what do you do with it?
The more you're aware and awake to what you do to it, the more you can
make really mindful conscious choices every day that move you along in
your business life, your family life, your community life.
I think I spent my entire life, probably until the last five years, saying that I
don't do vulnerability. But then when the research led me to a place where I
was like "Oh my god, we all do vulnerability, to be alive is to be vulnerable,"
then I had to ask the hard question, "What am I doing with it?"
I was performing, I was perfecting, people pleasing. It turned into anger and
judgment a lot. And so business, by definition, is uncertain, full of risk, and to
be engaged is always emotionally exposed. So you do it.
You either do it consciously or it does you.
So what's a healthy relationship to have with vulnerability in the
workplace?
It would be helpful to understand the four big myths of vulnerability. The
relationship, the ultimate relationship, is to be aware of our vulnerability and
engage wholeheartedly in it. I think
There isn't an easy how-to, but if I were to talk about how that process would
look like, I would talk about first, dispelling the vulnerability myths. That
vulnerability is weakness, that we can opt out of it, that vulnerability is
unfiltered disclosure, and that we can go it alone.
I've never been in a business that would be able to serve its mission and reach
its goals without relationship, and vulnerability is the glue the binds
relationships together.
The second part, I think, is to do a rigorous inventory of our armor. How are
we protecting ourselves? I love the fact that "persona" is the Ancient Greek
word for "mask." What personas do we assume, what masks do we put on?
How would you extrapolate that to a manager?
To be all-knowing, to be bulletproof, to be failure-proof. We want innovation
but we have no tolerance for risk or vulnerability--and vulnerability is the
birthplace of innovation and creativity.
I define a leader as anyone who holds him or herself responsible or
accountable for finding potential in people or processes. We're called upon to
model the vulnerability we want to see in the people on our teams. If we want
people to come to us and say "Hey, I don't really understand this and I want
to understand it, I need some help," then we have to model that behavior. We
have to model taking risks and failing.
Entrepreneurship is all about vulnerability. When you meet the ones who are
very successful, their mantra is often fail often and fail fast. Clean up your
mess, gather up your learnings, and move forward. That's why we're here.
How is it that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation?
I would challenge to anyone to point to any act of innovation that was not
born of vulnerability, that was not born of putting an idea on a table that half
the people in the room thought was stupid. That the other half questioned.
If the idea that makes sense to everyone right away, there's nothing
innovative about it, right?
The other thing that's completely vulnerable in this culture, which to be
honest with you, I was really shocked to see this--that's engagement. We live
in a culture today where the one job of a manager or leader is to cultivate
engagement. You think that's a fair axiom?
Engagement is almost seen as uncool. You see a group around a table talking
about a project. The manager's excited about a project. And someone around
the table says "This is awesome, I'm excited, I'd love to be responsible for a
part of it."
Invariably, two or three people in that room will turn and say, "You're brownnosing.
What a suckup."
It's almost like we're afraid to buy in because we'd rather live disappointed
than feel disappointed.
The minute we're engaged we're invested and we have something to lose.
And our tolerance for loss becomes so diminished, that we're afraid to be all
in.
How can you sculpt an environment where being all-in is secure?
You have to create a culture of engagement. Where work is humanized,
where relationship is valued, where very explicitly, people feel safe making
mistakes, asking for help, and trying new things.
How does that relate to shame?
You can't do that without assessing your organization for shame.
Vulnerability is showing up and being seen. I can't think of a single leader
who doesn't want that of his or her people.
How can you show up and be seen when you're terrified by what people
might think? When you work in a culture where shame is a management
style? Where favoritism is rampant? Where gossip is out of control? Where
perfectionism is curated?
You can't do that and ask people to show up and be seen.
Tell me more about how perfectionism and how it relates to striving.
Wherever perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun.
Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, which you see all the time in
successful leaders, it's not about trying to set goals and being the best we can
be, perfectionism is basically a cognitive behavioral process that says if I
look perfect, work perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid shame,
ridicule, and criticism. It's a defense mechanism.
When I interview leaders, artists, coaches, or athletes who are very
successful, they never talk about perfectionism as being a vehicle for success.
What they talk about is that perfectionism is a huge trigger, one they have to
be aware of all the time, because it gets in the way of getting work done.
And that ties back into failing fast. So how is vulnerability a necessary
part of doing great work?
You gotta be in the game. By virtue of the fact that reflexive cynicism is
rampant, showing up requires a lot of courage. I don't downplay that at all. I
feel like I'm up against it all the time in my own life.
I feel like every time I get on the phone to talk to someone like you or I give
a talk, I have to decide, am I going to walk in and say some stuff that might
piss people off or might make me seem vulnerable or crazy or am I just going
to play it safe?
I think as dangerous and daunting and scary as vulnerability can be, I don't
think it's ever as dangerous, daunting, or scary as reflecting back on moments
in our lives where we wonder what would have happened if I would have
shown up.





Perfectionism. I must never fail or make a mistake.
Perceived Perfectionism. People will not love and accept me as a flawed
and vulnerable human being.
Achievement Addiction. My worthwhileness depends on my achievements,
intelligence, talent, status, income, or looks.
Approval Addiction. I can’t feel happy and fulfilled without being loved. If
I’m not loved, then life is not worth living.
Fear of Rejection. If you reject me, it proves that there’s something wrong
with me. If I’m alone, I’m bound to feel miserable and worthless.
Pleasing Others. I should always try to please others, even if I make myself
miserable in the process.
Worthlessness/Inferiority. I’m basically worthless, defective, and inferior
to others.
Brushfire Fallacy. People are clones who all think alike. If one person
looks down on me, the word will spread like brushfire and soon everyone
will look down on me.
Spotlight Fallacy. Talking to people feels like having to perform under a
bright spotlight on a stage. If I don’t impress people by being sophisticated,
witty, or interesting, they won’t like me.
Low Frustration Tolerance. I should never be frustrated. Life should be
easy.
Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men
“Mastering Your Mind”
Cognitive Distortions
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)
www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com
1




Lesson Two: A Roadmap for Becoming a Full Achiever
Lesson Overview
If you are a Nice Guy, you internalized a very profound message at some
point in your life—probably fairly early on. That message was: "You are not
okay just as you are." In this lesson, we will explore what messages you
received about yourself from your family and from society. We will look at
how you developed core beliefs about your worth and your place in the
world based on these life experiences. You will then be able to see how
these core beliefs affect your ability to achieve the success you want.
Time Estimate: It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this
lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Identify and discuss how you were trained to be nice by your family and
by society.
• Recognize how your core beliefs get in the way of the success you want.
• Understand and begin to apply the two fundamental premises of
success.
• Identify how Full Achievers are different from Nice Guys.
Reading Assignment:
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 2
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lesson One Lecture
How You Were Trained to be Nice
If you are a Nice Guy, you received a very profound message at some point
in your life—probably pretty early on. That message was: "You are not okay
just as you are."
As described in chapter 2 of No More Mr. Nice Guy, you came by this belief
when the people who were put on this planet to make sure you got your
needs met in a timely, judicious manner didn’t do their job adequately. We
aren’t making this statement in order to blame anyone; we are merely
stating a fact.
When your needs were neglected or inadequately met, you inaccurately
concluded three things about yourself and the world around you.
1. You weren’t important.
2. Your needs weren’t important.
3. You couldn’t count on your needs getting met.
As a young child, your survival seemed to depend on finding a way to
counter these apparent realities. Being "nice" seemed like a viable option. If
you were nice, people would like you, might even love you, thus making
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
you feel important. If you gave a lot to other people, they might give a little
back, and then some of your needs might get met. If you tried hard to be
needless and wantless—if you didn’t ask too much—then it wouldn’t be too
upsetting when the bulk of your needs were unmet.
What does this have to do with being successful? Here’s what: Having at
least a rudimentary understanding of what is causing a problem goes a
long way towards finding workable solutions for that problem. Keep this in
mind:
Wonder why it isn’t working?
If, because of your early life experiences, you internalized the beliefs that
you weren’t important, that your needs weren’t important, and that you
couldn’t count on your needs getting met, imagine how this would affect
how you think and act. These experiences and your inaccurate
interpretation of these events would probably cause you to:
• Seek approval (and avoid disapproval)
• Think small
• Allow fear to control you
• Settle for scraps and leftovers
• Not take chances or try new things
• Not trust others
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
As you might imagine, any one of these factors can significantly hamper
trying to get ahead. Imagine the dead weight you are carrying by trying to
make it to the top with these patterns affecting the way you think and act.
Granted, most of us develop somewhat more accurate paradigms as we
grow older. Unfortunately, most of our life experiences actually reinforce our
early paradigms, rather than change them.
Even if you don’t consciously make the connection, your earliest life
experiences, your inaccurate interpretation of these events, and your naive
strategies for trying to cope with them and the feelings they created now
affect how you go about your job and your career. An awareness of these
issues can help you to find out why, in spite of your talent, intelligence, and
hard work, you just don’t seem to be firing on all cylinders. If you are
struggling to live up to your potential in terms of sales, advancement,
completing a degree, getting your business off the ground, or making as
much money as your peers, the problem may be an outdated and faulty
roadmap.
For example, as a child, Justin could never live up to his stepfather’s
expectations. No matter how hard he tried, his stepfather found fault with
everything he did. His stepfather frequently predicted that Justin was so
stupid that he would never amount to anything.
As an adult, Justin had been struggling for five years to get his lawn
maintenance and landscape business off the ground. Even though the
business had grown each year, he was getting deeper and deeper in debt
and was growing increasingly stressed. Finally, after having some of his
equipment repossessed by the bank, he went looking for answers.
As Justin began to look at the problems that haunted him as a
businessman, he began to notice patterns related to his childhood
experiences with his stepfather. Here is what he discovered:
• Success was contrary to Justin’s core image of himself. He had been
programmed since childhood to believe he was stupid and would fail at
anything he tried to accomplish. Even though he was talented, creative,
and hardworking, he found a number of effective ways to make sure he
didn’t contradict his core belief about himself.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
• Justin was so starved for approval that he would put way too much time,
work, and money into his landscape projects. He would do whatever the
customers asked without charging extra because he was so desperate
to have his work (and himself) accepted.
• Because he was so afraid of criticism and conflict, Justin would often fail
to complete many of his projects in a timely manner. He would find ways
to distract himself and put off finishing projects. This severely affected
his cash flow and ended up alienating many customers who were
otherwise happy with his work.
We will revisit Justin in future lessons to see how he worked at reshaping
his distorted core image that formed in childhood.
How Your Core Beliefs Get in the Way of the Success You Want
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
As a Nice Guy, you struggle with success for a number of reasons. Nine
times out of ten, the problem is not related to talent, intelligence, or work
ethic. Instead, it is the result of your core beliefs about yourself and your
place in the world. Unfortunately, when what you are doing isn’t getting you
where you want to go, you often just try harder, doing more of the same
thing.
Here is how the beliefs you developed in childhood prevent you from
becoming a Full Achiever:
• Your deepest-held core belief is that you aren’t okay just as you
are. Though you have probably worked hard throughout your life to
compensate for this belief (remember, Nice Guys are good at looking
good), being successful would directly contradict this paradigm. (If I am
not important and my needs are not important, how can I be
successful?)
• Abundance contradicts your earliest life experiences. Since
childhood, you have learned to expect that there won’t be enough to go
around. You see goodies (love, affection, money, and recognition) as
being in short supply. As a Nice Guy, this affects you in a number of
ways. First, you are probably a terrible receiver. Receiving or being the
center of attention makes you feel uncomfortable and guilty. Second,
since you don’t believe the world is an abundant place, you don’t notice
when goodies are all around you for the taking. Third, since it feels
familiar to be around people who aren’t good at giving to you, you will
probably keep surrounding yourself with these same kinds of people.
• You might be found out. If you don’t believe you are okay just as you
are, you are going to have to become very creative at staying out of the
spotlight of success. If you can find the balance of being just good
enough without being great, you can coordinate your need for validation
with your fear of being too visible. If you were to experience the kind of
success that puts you center stage, people might find out how
inadequate (you believe) you really are.
• Success raises the bar. Once you show the world what you are
capable of, people might expect more from you. (If you already feel
inadequate, this is the last thing you want to happen.) If you are
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
successful, there is only one way to go: down, in flames. Better play it
safe—be good, but not too good.
• People might envy you. Success invites negative attention. For many
Nice Guys, attention in childhood wasn’t always a positive thing. The
truth is, when you are successful, people focus their petty jealousy and
envy on you. They want what you’ve got; they resent that you have it
and they don’t. If a situation arises that feels too much like your
childhood experiences, you will probably find a way to make sure no one
will ever have too much reason to envy you.
• People might take advantage of you. As a Nice Guy, odds are
someone fed off of you as a child, such as a needy mother or a
frustrated father. You never learned that you could say "no" or "back off"
to people who wanted to live through you. If you are unable to set
boundaries with the people around you, you’d better not achieve too
much, because everyone will want a piece of you.
The Two Fundamental Premises of Success
The foundational premises of our course are that as an individual, you
possess the necessary talent and ability to achieve great things, and that
the world is filled with unlimited opportunity and abundance that are freely
available to you. If you are consistently failing to live up to your potential or
you don’t seem to be reaping a bountiful harvest of the fruits of success,
then you have to figure out where your problem is and start doing
something different. Ask yourself the following questions.
• What are you doing to get in the way of your own success?
• What are you doing to limit the opportunity and abundance of the
universe?
If you think this is just some New Age mumbo jumbo, take a look around.
Do you see people who are no smarter, no more talented, and no harder
working than you experiencing the kind of success you crave? If so, this
alone is proof of two things. First, if they can do it, you can do it. Second,
there is a boatload of goodies just waiting for the taking.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
How Full Achievers Are Different from Nice Guys
Over the next six lessons we will help you identify and confront your core
beliefs about yourself and your place in the world that get in the way of your
living up to your full potential. In these lessons we will explore and illustrate
six primary ways to help you think and act differently. These new ways of
thinking are the primary characteristics of what we call a "Full Achiever."
Full Achievers are men and women who have a core paradigm that allows
them to live up to their full potential and embrace the opportunities and
abundance of the universe.
Full Achievers follow a different road map from Nice Guys. Earlier in this
lesson we listed six survival mechanisms Nice Guys develop as a result of
their early childhood experiences. Nice Guys seek approval, think small,
are controlled by fear, are easily distracted by trivial things, don't take
chances or try new things, and are not trusting of others. In contrast, Full
Achievers act with integrity, think abundantly, are activated by fear, stay
focused on the important things, are open to change, and build support
systems.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
The following six lessons will help you replace your old, outdated roadmap
with a newer, more accurate one that will allow you to start thinking and
acting like a Full Achiever. If you are ready to get out of your own way and
embrace the bounty of the universe, the following six lessons will change
your life.
Lesson Two Homework
1. Choose one of the following core beliefs that you believe has gotten in
the way of you becoming a Full Achiever. Write a short paragraph about
how this belief is manifested in your work and career. Post your answer
on the Lesson Two homework forum.
• Your deepest-held core belief is that you aren’t okay just as you are
• Abundance contradicts your earliest life experiences
• You might be found out
• Success raises the bar
• People might envy you
• People might take advantage of you
2. As a result of the inaccurate interpretation of your early life experiences,
you internalized the beliefs that you weren’t important, that your needs
weren’t important, and that you couldn’t count on your needs getting
met. These experiences and your interpretation of these experiences
lead to the six Nice Guy traits below. Choose one and briefly describe
how this trait has manifested in your work and career.
• Seeking approval (and avoid disapproval)
• Thinking small
• Allowing fear to control you
• Settling for scraps and leftovers
• Not taking chances or trying new things
• Not trusting others
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9
Reparenting Visualization
The premise of Lesson 2 is that the ways in which your caregivers
responded to your basic needs in childhood affect your ability to achieve
the success you want as an adult. The purpose of this activity is to visualize
the experience of having your needs adequately met as a child. This will
serve as a springboard for a class discussion on how, by changing your
core beliefs, you can begin to develop the ways of thinking and acting
necessary for becoming a Full Achiever.
This is a relaxation and guided visualization exercise. You will need a quiet,
comfortable place where you can relax comfortably for 20 to 30 minutes
without interruption.
Download and Listen to podcast 100401 (link on the class resource page)
and follow the instructions on the guided imagery podcast.
Discuss your experience with this guided “Reparenting” imagery.
Post your responses on the discussion forum.
3. What was your first impression of the childhood scenario described in
the visualization? Did it seem unrealistic, or too unbelievable to
visualize? Did you have difficulty staying focused?
4. If you had been able to experience this kind of family dynamic as a child,
what effect do you think it would have had on your choice of work and
career?
5. How could you daily remind yourself to live “as if” you had experienced
this kind of family dynamic as a child as you approach work and career?
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
10





Lesson Two: A Roadmap for Becoming a Full Achiever
Lesson Overview
If you are a Nice Guy, you internalized a very profound message at some
point in your life—probably fairly early on. That message was: "You are not
okay just as you are." In this lesson, we will explore what messages you
received about yourself from your family and from society. We will look at
how you developed core beliefs about your worth and your place in the
world based on these life experiences. You will then be able to see how
these core beliefs affect your ability to achieve the success you want.
Time Estimate: It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this
lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Identify and discuss how you were trained to be nice by your family and
by society.
• Recognize how your core beliefs get in the way of the success you want.
• Understand and begin to apply the two fundamental premises of
success.
• Identify how Full Achievers are different from Nice Guys.
Reading Assignment:
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 2
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lesson One Lecture
How You Were Trained to be Nice
If you are a Nice Guy, you received a very profound message at some point
in your life—probably pretty early on. That message was: "You are not okay
just as you are."
As described in chapter 2 of No More Mr. Nice Guy, you came by this belief
when the people who were put on this planet to make sure you got your
needs met in a timely, judicious manner didn’t do their job adequately. We
aren’t making this statement in order to blame anyone; we are merely
stating a fact.
When your needs were neglected or inadequately met, you inaccurately
concluded three things about yourself and the world around you.
1. You weren’t important.
2. Your needs weren’t important.
3. You couldn’t count on your needs getting met.
As a young child, your survival seemed to depend on finding a way to
counter these apparent realities. Being "nice" seemed like a viable option. If
you were nice, people would like you, might even love you, thus making
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
you feel important. If you gave a lot to other people, they might give a little
back, and then some of your needs might get met. If you tried hard to be
needless and wantless—if you didn’t ask too much—then it wouldn’t be too
upsetting when the bulk of your needs were unmet.
What does this have to do with being successful? Here’s what: Having at
least a rudimentary understanding of what is causing a problem goes a
long way towards finding workable solutions for that problem. Keep this in
mind:
Wonder why it isn’t working?
If, because of your early life experiences, you internalized the beliefs that
you weren’t important, that your needs weren’t important, and that you
couldn’t count on your needs getting met, imagine how this would affect
how you think and act. These experiences and your inaccurate
interpretation of these events would probably cause you to:
• Seek approval (and avoid disapproval)
• Think small
• Allow fear to control you
• Settle for scraps and leftovers
• Not take chances or try new things
• Not trust others
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
As you might imagine, any one of these factors can significantly hamper
trying to get ahead. Imagine the dead weight you are carrying by trying to
make it to the top with these patterns affecting the way you think and act.
Granted, most of us develop somewhat more accurate paradigms as we
grow older. Unfortunately, most of our life experiences actually reinforce our
early paradigms, rather than change them.
Even if you don’t consciously make the connection, your earliest life
experiences, your inaccurate interpretation of these events, and your naive
strategies for trying to cope with them and the feelings they created now
affect how you go about your job and your career. An awareness of these
issues can help you to find out why, in spite of your talent, intelligence, and
hard work, you just don’t seem to be firing on all cylinders. If you are
struggling to live up to your potential in terms of sales, advancement,
completing a degree, getting your business off the ground, or making as
much money as your peers, the problem may be an outdated and faulty
roadmap.
For example, as a child, Justin could never live up to his stepfather’s
expectations. No matter how hard he tried, his stepfather found fault with
everything he did. His stepfather frequently predicted that Justin was so
stupid that he would never amount to anything.
As an adult, Justin had been struggling for five years to get his lawn
maintenance and landscape business off the ground. Even though the
business had grown each year, he was getting deeper and deeper in debt
and was growing increasingly stressed. Finally, after having some of his
equipment repossessed by the bank, he went looking for answers.
As Justin began to look at the problems that haunted him as a
businessman, he began to notice patterns related to his childhood
experiences with his stepfather. Here is what he discovered:
• Success was contrary to Justin’s core image of himself. He had been
programmed since childhood to believe he was stupid and would fail at
anything he tried to accomplish. Even though he was talented, creative,
and hardworking, he found a number of effective ways to make sure he
didn’t contradict his core belief about himself.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
• Justin was so starved for approval that he would put way too much time,
work, and money into his landscape projects. He would do whatever the
customers asked without charging extra because he was so desperate
to have his work (and himself) accepted.
• Because he was so afraid of criticism and conflict, Justin would often fail
to complete many of his projects in a timely manner. He would find ways
to distract himself and put off finishing projects. This severely affected
his cash flow and ended up alienating many customers who were
otherwise happy with his work.
We will revisit Justin in future lessons to see how he worked at reshaping
his distorted core image that formed in childhood.
How Your Core Beliefs Get in the Way of the Success You Want
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
As a Nice Guy, you struggle with success for a number of reasons. Nine
times out of ten, the problem is not related to talent, intelligence, or work
ethic. Instead, it is the result of your core beliefs about yourself and your
place in the world. Unfortunately, when what you are doing isn’t getting you
where you want to go, you often just try harder, doing more of the same
thing.
Here is how the beliefs you developed in childhood prevent you from
becoming a Full Achiever:
• Your deepest-held core belief is that you aren’t okay just as you
are. Though you have probably worked hard throughout your life to
compensate for this belief (remember, Nice Guys are good at looking
good), being successful would directly contradict this paradigm. (If I am
not important and my needs are not important, how can I be
successful?)
• Abundance contradicts your earliest life experiences. Since
childhood, you have learned to expect that there won’t be enough to go
around. You see goodies (love, affection, money, and recognition) as
being in short supply. As a Nice Guy, this affects you in a number of
ways. First, you are probably a terrible receiver. Receiving or being the
center of attention makes you feel uncomfortable and guilty. Second,
since you don’t believe the world is an abundant place, you don’t notice
when goodies are all around you for the taking. Third, since it feels
familiar to be around people who aren’t good at giving to you, you will
probably keep surrounding yourself with these same kinds of people.
• You might be found out. If you don’t believe you are okay just as you
are, you are going to have to become very creative at staying out of the
spotlight of success. If you can find the balance of being just good
enough without being great, you can coordinate your need for validation
with your fear of being too visible. If you were to experience the kind of
success that puts you center stage, people might find out how
inadequate (you believe) you really are.
• Success raises the bar. Once you show the world what you are
capable of, people might expect more from you. (If you already feel
inadequate, this is the last thing you want to happen.) If you are
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
successful, there is only one way to go: down, in flames. Better play it
safe—be good, but not too good.
• People might envy you. Success invites negative attention. For many
Nice Guys, attention in childhood wasn’t always a positive thing. The
truth is, when you are successful, people focus their petty jealousy and
envy on you. They want what you’ve got; they resent that you have it
and they don’t. If a situation arises that feels too much like your
childhood experiences, you will probably find a way to make sure no one
will ever have too much reason to envy you.
• People might take advantage of you. As a Nice Guy, odds are
someone fed off of you as a child, such as a needy mother or a
frustrated father. You never learned that you could say "no" or "back off"
to people who wanted to live through you. If you are unable to set
boundaries with the people around you, you’d better not achieve too
much, because everyone will want a piece of you.
The Two Fundamental Premises of Success
The foundational premises of our course are that as an individual, you
possess the necessary talent and ability to achieve great things, and that
the world is filled with unlimited opportunity and abundance that are freely
available to you. If you are consistently failing to live up to your potential or
you don’t seem to be reaping a bountiful harvest of the fruits of success,
then you have to figure out where your problem is and start doing
something different. Ask yourself the following questions.
• What are you doing to get in the way of your own success?
• What are you doing to limit the opportunity and abundance of the
universe?
If you think this is just some New Age mumbo jumbo, take a look around.
Do you see people who are no smarter, no more talented, and no harder
working than you experiencing the kind of success you crave? If so, this
alone is proof of two things. First, if they can do it, you can do it. Second,
there is a boatload of goodies just waiting for the taking.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
How Full Achievers Are Different from Nice Guys
Over the next six lessons we will help you identify and confront your core
beliefs about yourself and your place in the world that get in the way of your
living up to your full potential. In these lessons we will explore and illustrate
six primary ways to help you think and act differently. These new ways of
thinking are the primary characteristics of what we call a "Full Achiever."
Full Achievers are men and women who have a core paradigm that allows
them to live up to their full potential and embrace the opportunities and
abundance of the universe.
Full Achievers follow a different road map from Nice Guys. Earlier in this
lesson we listed six survival mechanisms Nice Guys develop as a result of
their early childhood experiences. Nice Guys seek approval, think small,
are controlled by fear, are easily distracted by trivial things, don't take
chances or try new things, and are not trusting of others. In contrast, Full
Achievers act with integrity, think abundantly, are activated by fear, stay
focused on the important things, are open to change, and build support
systems.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
The following six lessons will help you replace your old, outdated roadmap
with a newer, more accurate one that will allow you to start thinking and
acting like a Full Achiever. If you are ready to get out of your own way and
embrace the bounty of the universe, the following six lessons will change
your life.
Lesson Two Homework
1. Choose one of the following core beliefs that you believe has gotten in
the way of you becoming a Full Achiever. Write a short paragraph about
how this belief is manifested in your work and career. Post your answer
on the Lesson Two homework forum.
• Your deepest-held core belief is that you aren’t okay just as you are
• Abundance contradicts your earliest life experiences
• You might be found out
• Success raises the bar
• People might envy you
• People might take advantage of you
2. As a result of the inaccurate interpretation of your early life experiences,
you internalized the beliefs that you weren’t important, that your needs
weren’t important, and that you couldn’t count on your needs getting
met. These experiences and your interpretation of these experiences
lead to the six Nice Guy traits below. Choose one and briefly describe
how this trait has manifested in your work and career.
• Seeking approval (and avoid disapproval)
• Thinking small
• Allowing fear to control you
• Settling for scraps and leftovers
• Not taking chances or trying new things
• Not trusting others
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9
Reparenting Visualization
The premise of Lesson 2 is that the ways in which your caregivers
responded to your basic needs in childhood affect your ability to achieve
the success you want as an adult. The purpose of this activity is to visualize
the experience of having your needs adequately met as a child. This will
serve as a springboard for a class discussion on how, by changing your
core beliefs, you can begin to develop the ways of thinking and acting
necessary for becoming a Full Achiever.
This is a relaxation and guided visualization exercise. You will need a quiet,
comfortable place where you can relax comfortably for 20 to 30 minutes
without interruption.
Download and Listen to podcast 100401 (link on the class resource page)
and follow the instructions on the guided imagery podcast.
Discuss your experience with this guided “Reparenting” imagery.
Post your responses on the discussion forum.
3. What was your first impression of the childhood scenario described in
the visualization? Did it seem unrealistic, or too unbelievable to
visualize? Did you have difficulty staying focused?
4. If you had been able to experience this kind of family dynamic as a child,
what effect do you think it would have had on your choice of work and
career?
5. How could you daily remind yourself to live “as if” you had experienced
this kind of family dynamic as a child as you approach work and career?
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
10

The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 1 of 4
October 5, 2012
Experts’ Advice to the Goal-Oriented:
Don’t Overdo It
By ALINA TUGEND
I’VE never liked the idea of a bucket list — that increasingly popular concept that we should tally
up all the things we want to do before we die and, well, do them.
Whether it be swimming with dolphins (an oddly common choice), writing a book, trekking
through Nepal or all three, it’s not that the ideas are inherently bad. Rather, it is already too easy to
reduce lives to a series of goals that we aim for, reach and then move on.
But goals are good, right? Aren’t we always told they’re the best way to get to where we want to be?
It turns out that that’s not necessarily true, personally and professionally.
I’ll get back to the bucket lists in a bit. But first, let’s look at what some of the research tells us
about goals.
“We know goal-setting is a very powerful motivating force,” said Maurice E. Schweitzer, a professor
of operations and information management at the Wharton School at the University of
Pennsylvania.
“Whether it’s a runner who wants to set a certain time or a salesperson aiming for a number of
sales, goals give us meaning, purpose and guidance.”
But, said Professor Schweitzer, who co-wrote a paper in 2009 “Goals Gone Wild,” which appeared
in the journal Academy of Management Perspectives, things got a little out of hand.
“The proponents of goals focused on the benefits of the goals, not the harm, and too many
businesses went too far, saying ‘Here’s what we want you to accomplish,’ and implicitly saying, ‘We
don’t care how you got there.’ ”
And that, he said, can lead to, among other things, unethical behavior.
The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 2 of 4
Lisa D. Ordóñez, a professor of management and organizations at the Eller College of Management
at the University of Arizona, described experiments that proved this point. In one, participants
were asked to create as many words as possible using letters — sort of like the game Boggle. In one
group, the participants were given a goal of nine words, and if met, they would receive some
money. In a second group, they were given a goal but no financial incentive. And those in the third
group were simply told to try their best.
The students who participated were given a chance to check their words in a dictionary to make
sure they were true English words. They threw out the worksheets, and turned in the answer sheet
that only stated how many words they had finished.
But the academic researchers running the experiment had a code to match the worksheets with the
answer sheets and discovered that both groups that had been given a goal of creating a certain
number of words — whether or not money was involved — cheated 8 to 13 percent of the time.
Those in the third group rarely did.
“It’s not that goals are bad,” said Professor Ordóñez, who was also a co-author of the “Goals Gone
Wild” article. “We’re just saying be careful.”
For example, a lot has been written about tying teachers’ merit pay or jobs to how well their
students do on standardized tests. The goal is to find a way to evaluate teachers’ abilities. But this
has led to a number of problems, including, in some cases, teachers cheating to raise students’
scores.
“Part of the larger problem is, How do we measure performance?” she said. “We want to put our
money where we are better served — I get that. But what we end up measuring is not always the
most important thing but the easiest to measure.”
Gary P. Latham, a professor of organizational effectiveness at the University of Toronto, has long
studied the positive effects of goals. It’s not that goals are bad, he said, but that problems arise
when the values that underlie them and the process to achieve them are skewed.
“If you’re going to be overly reductionist, then you’re behaving stupidly,” he said. “You can have
multiple goals for complex behavior.”
Professor Schweitzer agreed that it’s a problem when goals become too narrowly focused.
Besides possibly leading to unethical behavior — a lawyer being told to bill a certain number of
The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 3 of 4
hours a week will be tempted to fudge the numbers — too much emphasis on goals can inhibit
learning and undermine intrinsic motivation, he said.
“If the goal is to earn a certain score on a math test, then that goal takes over,” Professor
Schweitzer said. “A love of learning or understanding of the elegance of math gets beaten out.”
And goals can have unintended consequences. A 1999 article on the use of incentives that appeared
in The Journal of Economic Literature tells an anecdote about Ken O’Brien, the former New York
Jets quarterback who had a tendency to throw interceptions early in his career. As a result, he
received a contract that penalized him every time he threw the ball to the opposing team. It worked
— he threw fewer interceptions. But that was because he threw fewer balls overall, even when he
should have.
“Goal-setting is like powerful medication,” Professor Schweitzer said. “You need to make sure how
appropriate it is and keep monitoring it to determine, ‘Is this goal too specific? Is this goal too
stressful? Is it pushing many people beyond the normal bounds of what they should be doing?’ If
so, then you need to rethink that goal.”
Professor Ordóñez said she recognized that dilemma in her own life. While on a recent sabbatical,
she wasn’t working out, so she decided she needed a target to aim for and began training for a
triathlon.
“It forced me to get out of bed at 5 a.m.,” she said. And while the training was good for her, she was
also aware she had less time to spend with her husband. And while she is glad she’s going to take
part in a triathlon, she said she wanted to make sure that one goal did not overshadow other
important aspects of her life.
And this leads us back to the bucket lists. What troubles me is that rather than enhancing our lives,
they can too quickly become the entire point.
“Setting these goals is a way of focusing one’s attention, rather than asking, ‘Why do I pursue these
goals?’ ” said Miroslav Volf, director of the Yale Center for Faith and Culture.
While a life without any goals would be aimless, it might not be a bad idea to jettison some
overboard once in a while.
Roz Warren, a humorist, recently wrote an essay that appeared on a blog in The New York Times
about how, at almost 58 years old, her goal now “is to try to hang on to what I’ve got.”
The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 4 of 4
She swims and walks, but is not going to take up yoga or lift weights. She’s not going to finish (or
start) books she “should” but really doesn’t want to. And she may never learn to operate a Jet Ski.
Some readers applauded her decision, while others angrily thought she was embracing stagnation,
Ms. Warren told me.
“I’m trying to let go of a lot of stuff I think a well-educated person ought to know,” she said, like
recognizing important works of classical music or art or identifying most trees and flowers.
“And I’m at peace with that. I’m not living life ticking off boxes.”
E-mail: shortcuts@nytimes.com
MORE IN YOUR MONEY (4 OF 86 ARTICLES)
Bucks Blog: Underestimating
Health Care Costs in
Retirement
Read More »



• Identify the Distortions. Use the Checklist of Cognitive Distortions to
identify the distortions in each of your negative thoughts.
• Straightforward Technique. You try to substitute a more positive and
realistic thought for each of your negative thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this
negative thought really true? Do I really believe it? Is there another way
to look at the situation?
• Downward Arrow. This technique will help you pinpoint your SLBs. To
use this technique, draw a downward arrow under a negative thought
and ask yourself, “Why would it be upsetting to me if this thought were
true? What would it mean to me?” A new negative thought will come to
mind. Write it down under the arrow and repeat the process several
times. The negative thoughts you generate will lead to the underlying
beliefs at the core of your suffering.
• What-If Technique. This technique is similar to the Downward Arrow
Technique. Draw a downward arrow under a negative thought and ask
yourself, “What if that were true? What’s the worst that could happen?
What do I fear the most?” A new negative thought or fantasy will come
to mind. Write it down under the arrow and repeat the process several
times. You will generate additional thoughts until you uncover the fantasy
that frightens you the most. Then you can ask yourself, “How likely
is it that this would happen? And could I live with it if it did?”
• Double Standard Technique. Instead of putting yourself down, you
talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear
friend who was upset. Ask yourself, “Would I say such harsh things to a
friend with a similar problem? If not, why not? What would I say to him?”
• Experimental Technique. You do an experiment to test the validity of
your negative thought, in much the same way that a scientist would test
a theory. Ask yourself, “How could I test this negative thought to find out
if it’s really valid?”
• Survey Method. You do a survey to find out if your thoughts are realistic.
Ask yourself, “How do other people think and feel about this? Could
Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men
“Mastering Your Mind”
How to Untwist Your Thinking
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)
www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com
1
I ask some friends about this to get some feedback?” For example, if
you believe that social anxiety is rare or shameful, simply ask several
friends if they’ve ever felt that way.
• Thinking in Shades of Gray. Instead of thinking about your problems
in black-and-white categories, you evaluate them in shades of gray.
When things don’t work out as well as you’d hoped, you can think of the
experience as a partial success or a learning opportunity. Pinpoint your
specific errors instead of writing yourself off as a total failure.
• Process Vs. Outcome. You evaluate your performance based on the
process – the effort you put in – rather than the outcome. Your efforts
are within your control, but the outcome is not.
• Acceptance Paradox. Instead of defending yourself against your own
criticisms, you can find truth in them and accept your shortcoming with
tranquility. Tell yourself, “It’s true that I have many inadequacies. In
fact, there is very little, if anything, about me that couldn’t be improved
considerably.”
• Paradoxical Magnification. Instead of refuting your negative thoughts,
you can buy into them and exaggerate them. Don’t try to argue with
your negative thoughts. Instead, make them as extreme as possible.
For example, if you feel inferior, you could tell yourself, “Yes, it’s true. In
fact, I’m probably the most inferior person in California at this time.”
Paradoxically, this humorous method can sometimes provide objectivity
and relief. Of course, if you’re feeling upset, this may have the unintended
effect of making you feel even worse. If so, go to another
method.
• Shame-Attacking Exercises. If you suffer from shyness, you probably
have intense fears of looking foolish in front of other people. ShameAttacking
Exercises are a specific and potent antidote to these kinds of
fears. You intentionally do something foolish in public. For example,
you could stand up and loudly announce each stop on a bus or shout
out the time in a crowded department store. When you make a fool of
yourself on purpose, you realize that the world doesn’t really come to an
Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men
“Mastering Your Mind”
How to Untwist Your Thinking
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)
www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com
2
end, and that people don’t really look down on you. This discovery can
be tremendously liberating.
• Cognitive Flooding. Visualize one of your worst fears, such as talking
to a beautiful woman at a party. Try to endure the anxiety for as long as
you can. If you become panicky, tell yourself, “Don’t fight it!” Instead, try
to make it even worse. Eventually, your anxiety will burn itself out, because
your body simply cannot create anxiety indefinitely. You can use
Cognitive Flooding when you can’t expose yourself to the thing you fear.
• Rejection Practice and Rejection Feared Fantasy. If you’re shy and
afraid of rejection, you can accumulate as many rejections as possible in
order to learn that the world doesn’t come to an end. You can combine
this technique with the Rejection Feared Fantasy. You need a partner
if you want to try this technique. Your partner will play the most rejecting,
hostile person you can imagine. She or he will be far worse than
any real human being would ever be, and is really just the projection of
your own fears. When you confront this fantasy figure, you will discover
that you had nothing to be afraid of in the first place.
Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men
“Mastering Your Mind”
How to Untwist Your Thinking
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)
www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com
3



The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 1 of 4
October 5, 2012
Experts’ Advice to the Goal-Oriented:
Don’t Overdo It
By ALINA TUGEND
I’VE never liked the idea of a bucket list — that increasingly popular concept that we should tally
up all the things we want to do before we die and, well, do them.
Whether it be swimming with dolphins (an oddly common choice), writing a book, trekking
through Nepal or all three, it’s not that the ideas are inherently bad. Rather, it is already too easy to
reduce lives to a series of goals that we aim for, reach and then move on.
But goals are good, right? Aren’t we always told they’re the best way to get to where we want to be?
It turns out that that’s not necessarily true, personally and professionally.
I’ll get back to the bucket lists in a bit. But first, let’s look at what some of the research tells us
about goals.
“We know goal-setting is a very powerful motivating force,” said Maurice E. Schweitzer, a professor
of operations and information management at the Wharton School at the University of
Pennsylvania.
“Whether it’s a runner who wants to set a certain time or a salesperson aiming for a number of
sales, goals give us meaning, purpose and guidance.”
But, said Professor Schweitzer, who co-wrote a paper in 2009 “Goals Gone Wild,” which appeared
in the journal Academy of Management Perspectives, things got a little out of hand.
“The proponents of goals focused on the benefits of the goals, not the harm, and too many
businesses went too far, saying ‘Here’s what we want you to accomplish,’ and implicitly saying, ‘We
don’t care how you got there.’ ”
And that, he said, can lead to, among other things, unethical behavior.
The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 2 of 4
Lisa D. Ordóñez, a professor of management and organizations at the Eller College of Management
at the University of Arizona, described experiments that proved this point. In one, participants
were asked to create as many words as possible using letters — sort of like the game Boggle. In one
group, the participants were given a goal of nine words, and if met, they would receive some
money. In a second group, they were given a goal but no financial incentive. And those in the third
group were simply told to try their best.
The students who participated were given a chance to check their words in a dictionary to make
sure they were true English words. They threw out the worksheets, and turned in the answer sheet
that only stated how many words they had finished.
But the academic researchers running the experiment had a code to match the worksheets with the
answer sheets and discovered that both groups that had been given a goal of creating a certain
number of words — whether or not money was involved — cheated 8 to 13 percent of the time.
Those in the third group rarely did.
“It’s not that goals are bad,” said Professor Ordóñez, who was also a co-author of the “Goals Gone
Wild” article. “We’re just saying be careful.”
For example, a lot has been written about tying teachers’ merit pay or jobs to how well their
students do on standardized tests. The goal is to find a way to evaluate teachers’ abilities. But this
has led to a number of problems, including, in some cases, teachers cheating to raise students’
scores.
“Part of the larger problem is, How do we measure performance?” she said. “We want to put our
money where we are better served — I get that. But what we end up measuring is not always the
most important thing but the easiest to measure.”
Gary P. Latham, a professor of organizational effectiveness at the University of Toronto, has long
studied the positive effects of goals. It’s not that goals are bad, he said, but that problems arise
when the values that underlie them and the process to achieve them are skewed.
“If you’re going to be overly reductionist, then you’re behaving stupidly,” he said. “You can have
multiple goals for complex behavior.”
Professor Schweitzer agreed that it’s a problem when goals become too narrowly focused.
Besides possibly leading to unethical behavior — a lawyer being told to bill a certain number of
The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 3 of 4
hours a week will be tempted to fudge the numbers — too much emphasis on goals can inhibit
learning and undermine intrinsic motivation, he said.
“If the goal is to earn a certain score on a math test, then that goal takes over,” Professor
Schweitzer said. “A love of learning or understanding of the elegance of math gets beaten out.”
And goals can have unintended consequences. A 1999 article on the use of incentives that appeared
in The Journal of Economic Literature tells an anecdote about Ken O’Brien, the former New York
Jets quarterback who had a tendency to throw interceptions early in his career. As a result, he
received a contract that penalized him every time he threw the ball to the opposing team. It worked
— he threw fewer interceptions. But that was because he threw fewer balls overall, even when he
should have.
“Goal-setting is like powerful medication,” Professor Schweitzer said. “You need to make sure how
appropriate it is and keep monitoring it to determine, ‘Is this goal too specific? Is this goal too
stressful? Is it pushing many people beyond the normal bounds of what they should be doing?’ If
so, then you need to rethink that goal.”
Professor Ordóñez said she recognized that dilemma in her own life. While on a recent sabbatical,
she wasn’t working out, so she decided she needed a target to aim for and began training for a
triathlon.
“It forced me to get out of bed at 5 a.m.,” she said. And while the training was good for her, she was
also aware she had less time to spend with her husband. And while she is glad she’s going to take
part in a triathlon, she said she wanted to make sure that one goal did not overshadow other
important aspects of her life.
And this leads us back to the bucket lists. What troubles me is that rather than enhancing our lives,
they can too quickly become the entire point.
“Setting these goals is a way of focusing one’s attention, rather than asking, ‘Why do I pursue these
goals?’ ” said Miroslav Volf, director of the Yale Center for Faith and Culture.
While a life without any goals would be aimless, it might not be a bad idea to jettison some
overboard once in a while.
Roz Warren, a humorist, recently wrote an essay that appeared on a blog in The New York Times
about how, at almost 58 years old, her goal now “is to try to hang on to what I’ve got.”
The Perils of Setting Goals - NYTimes.com 10/6/12 12:19 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/your-money/the-perils-of-setting-goals.html?_r=1&ref=business&pagewanted=print Page 4 of 4
She swims and walks, but is not going to take up yoga or lift weights. She’s not going to finish (or
start) books she “should” but really doesn’t want to. And she may never learn to operate a Jet Ski.
Some readers applauded her decision, while others angrily thought she was embracing stagnation,
Ms. Warren told me.
“I’m trying to let go of a lot of stuff I think a well-educated person ought to know,” she said, like
recognizing important works of classical music or art or identifying most trees and flowers.
“And I’m at peace with that. I’m not living life ticking off boxes.”
E-mail: shortcuts@nytimes.com
MORE IN YOUR MONEY (4 OF 86 ARTICLES)
Bucks Blog: Underestimating
Health Care Costs in
Retirement
Read More »





October 6, 2012
They Work Long Hours,
but What About Results?
By ROBERT C. POZEN
IT’S 5 p.m. at the office. Working fast, you’ve finished your
tasks for the day and want to go home. But none of your
colleagues have left yet, so you stay another hour or two,
surfing the Web and reading your e-mails again, so you don’t
come off as a slacker.
It’s an unfortunate reality that efficiency often goes
unrewarded in the workplace. I had that feeling a lot when I
was a partner in a Washington law firm. Because of my
expertise, I could often answer a client’s questions quickly,
saving both of us time. But because my firm billed by the
hour, as most law firms do, my efficiency worked against me.
From the law firm’s perspective, billing by the hour has a
certain appeal: it shifts risk from the firm to the client in case
the work takes longer than expected. But from a client’s
perspective, it doesn’t work so well. It gives lawyers an
incentive to overstaff and to overresearch cases. And for me,
hourly billing was a raw deal. I ran the risk of being
underpaid because I answered questions too quickly and
billed a smaller number of hours.
Firms that bill by the hour are not alone in emphasizing
hours over results. For a study published most recently in
2010, three researchers, led by Kimberly D. Elsbach, a
professor at the University of California, Davis, interviewed
39 corporate managers about their perceptions of their
employees. The managers viewed employees who were seen
at the office during business hours as highly “dependable”
and “reliable.” Employees who came in over the weekend or
stayed late in the evening were seen as “committed” and
“dedicated” to their work.
One manager said: “So this one guy, he’s in the room at every
meeting. Lots of times he doesn’t say anything, but he’s there
on time and people notice that. He definitely is seen as a
hard-working and dependable guy.” Another said: “Working
on the weekends makes a very good impression. It sends a
signal that you’re contributing to your team and that you’re
putting in that extra commitment to get the work done.”
The reactions of these managers are understandable
remnants of the industrial age, harking back to the
standardized nature of work on an assembly line. But a
measurement system based on hours makes no sense for
knowledge workers. Their contribution should be measured
by the value they create through applying their ideas and
skills.
By applying an industrial-age mind-set to 21st-century
professionals, many organizations are undermining
incentives for workers to be efficient. If employees need to
stay late in order to curry favor with the boss, what
motivation do they have to get work done during normal
business hours? After all, they can put in the requisite “face
time” whether they are surfing the Internet or analyzing
customer data. It’s no surprise, then, that so many
professionals find it easy to procrastinate and hard to stay on
a task.
There is an obvious solution here: Instead of counting the
hours you work, judge your success by the results you
produce. Did you clear a backlog of customer orders? Did
you come up with a new idea to solve a tricky problem? Did
you write a first draft of an article that is due next week?
Clearly, these accomplishments — not the hours that you log
— are what ultimately drive your organization’s success.
Many of your results-oriented strategies will be specific to
your job and your company, but here are a few general ways
that professionals across all industries can improve their
efficiency.
LIMIT MEETINGS Internal meetings can be a huge waste
of time. A short meeting can be useful for discussing a
controversial issue, but long meetings — beyond 60 to 90
minutes — are usually unproductive. Leaders often spend too
much time reciting introductory material, and participants
eventually stop paying attention.
Try very hard to avoid meetings that you suspect will be long
and unproductive. When possible, politely decline meeting
invitations from your peers by pointing to your impending
deadlines. If that’s not an option, make clear that you can
stay for only the first 60 minutes, and will then have to deal
with more pressing obligations. And be hesitant to call
meetings yourself; you can deal with most issues through email
or a quick phone call.
If you’re involved in calling or planning a necessary meeting,
make sure it’s productive. Create an agenda that organizes
the meeting and keeps it moving briskly. Distribute that
agenda, along with any advance materials, at least a day in
advance. Appoint a “devil’s advocate” for every meeting,
whose job is to make sure that the potential negatives are
discussed. At the end of the meeting, make sure that
everyone agrees on the next steps, with each step assigned to
one participant and with a specific deadline.
REDUCE READING You don’t need to read the full text of
everything you come across in the course of your work, even
if it comes directly from the boss. Though reading a long
article from cover to cover might make you feel productive, it
might not be the best use of your time. Most likely, only a
very small part of that article is vital to your work. Maybe
you need to remember the big ideas, not the intricate details.
Or maybe you need only to find one or two examples that
illustrate a particular larger point. Once you start reading a
text, make it a point to search for what’s important, while
skipping sections that are less relevant.
Of course, some materials call for you to become totally
immersed in the details. If you are reading an article directly
related to the company’s newest blockbuster product, for
instance, it probably makes sense to go over every word. But
for less important tasks, this level of detail is often
unnecessary. If you’re not careful, these tasks can take over
your entire schedule.
And avoid rereading your e-mails. I am a great believer in
the OHIO principle: Only handle it once. When you read an
e-mail, decide whether or not to reply to it, and, if you need
to reply, do so right then and there. I have found that about
80 percent of all e-mails, whether internal or external, do not
require a response. Don’t let these extraneous
communications clog your in-box and waste your time.
WRITE FASTER Even if you need to create A-plus work
for a project, it needn’t be perfect right off the bat. When
some people sit down to write a long memo, they insist on
perfecting each sentence before moving to the next one. They
want to complete all the stages of the writing process at the
same time — a most difficult task. In my experience, this
leads to very slow writing.
A better approach separates the main steps in the writing
process. First, compose an outline for what you are going to
say, and in what order. Then write a rough draft, knowing it
will be highly imperfect. Then go back over your work and
revise as needed. This is the time to perfect the phrasing of
those sentences.
In general, don’t waste your time creating A-plus work when
B-plus is good enough. Use the extra time to create A-plus
work where it matters most.
AS you try these and other results-oriented strategies, you
may well find yourself spending less time at the office — and
that can make some bosses nervous. The traditional
emphasis on face time, after all, is easy for managers: it takes
much less effort to count hours than it does to measure
results. That’s why you may need to forge a new relationship
with your boss.
You must earn your boss’s trust that you can accomplish
your work in less time. In part, you can do this by thinking
about your organization and watching your boss. Ask
yourself: What are the most important goals of your unit?
What sort of pressure is your boss under — to expand
globally, to introduce new products, to cut costs, or
something else? How might the boss’s personality and
management style shape these considerations?
But it’s not enough to think and observe. You need to
communicate — often. Every week, write down a list of your
assigned tasks — short-term assignments and long-term
goals — and rank them by importance, from your
perspective. Then ask your boss to weigh in on the list.
You and your boss should come to a consensus about the
metrics for every project. If your boss doesn’t establish any,
suggest them yourself. Metrics can include both qualitative
and quantitative results. They provide objective measures for
judging final results — and move your boss away from the
crutch of face time. And the process of establishing these
metrics can help you and your boss clarify how best to
accomplish a project.
Once the boss is confident that you know what to do and how
to do it, show that you can consistently create high-quality
results on high-priority projects. There’s no particular secret
here: you need to do your best to achieve the established
goals. And remember that most projects run into potholes or
even roadblocks on the way. Be quick to report problems to
the boss and to suggest possible solutions, including a
revision the project metrics themselves.
I KNOW that a change in focus from hours to results may be
a challenge in some organizations. But your boss is likely to
be receptive if you politely raise the question of productivity
and show you’re willing to be held accountable for results,
rather than hours worked. You may also be able to do more
work from home, if that’s what you prefer.
Even in a culture oriented toward results, however, you
sometimes will need to be physically present in the office to
do your work. And some jobs absolutely depend on it. In
almost all workplaces, colleagues need to get together to
brainstorm ideas, solve tough problems or build communal
bonds. But there’s no reason for these interactions to take up
large amounts of time.
By emphasizing results rather than hours, I’m able to get
home at 7 p.m. for dinner with my family nearly every night
— except when there are true emergencies. This has greatly
enhanced my family life, and has given me a secondary
benefit: a fruitful mental break. I’ve solved some of the
thorniest problems in my home office at 10 p.m. — after a
refreshing few hours chatting with my wife and children.
Focusing on results rather than hours will help you
accomplish more at work and leave more time for the rest of
your life. And don’t be afraid to talk to your boss about these
issues. To paraphrase the management guru Peter Drucker,
although you don’t have to like your boss, you have to
manage him or her so you can have a successful career.
Robert C. Pozen, a senior lecturer at Harvard Business School
and a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, is the author of
“Extreme Productivity: Boost Your Results, Reduce Your Hours”
(HarperCollins).


6 Habits of Remarkably Likeable People - Yahoo! Small Business Advisor 1/10/13 11:22 AM
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6 Habits of Remarkably Likeable People
By Jeff Haden | Inc – Wed, Jan 2, 2013 1:52 PM EST
When you meet someone, after, "What do you do?" you're out of things to say. You suck at small talk, and those first five
minutes are tough because you're a little shy and a little insecure.
But you want to make a good impression. You want people to genuinely like you.
Here's how remarkably likeable people do it:
They lose the power pose.
I know: Your parents taught you to stand tall, square your shoulders, stride purposefully forward, drop your voice a couple of
registers, and shake hands with a firm grip.
It's great to display nonverbal self-confidence, but go too far and it seems like you're trying to establish your importance. That
makes the "meeting" seem like it's more about you than it is the other person--and no one likes that.
No matter how big a deal you are you pale in comparison to say, oh, Nelson Mandela. So take a cue from him. Watch how he
greets Bill Clinton, no slouch at this either.
Clinton takes a step forward (avoiding the "you must come to me" power move); Mandela steps forward with a smile and
bends slightly forward as if, ever so slightly, to bow (a clear sign of deference and respect in nearly every culture); Clinton
does the same. What you have are two important people who put aside all sense of self-importance or status. They're genuine.
Next time you meet someone, relax, step forward, tilt your head towards them slightly, smile, and show that you're the one
who is honored by the introduction--not them.
We all like people who like us. If I show you I'm genuinely happy to meet you, you'll instantly start to like me. (And you'll
show that you do, which will help calm my nerves and let me be myself.)
They embrace the power of touch.
Nonsexual touch can be very powerful. (Yes, I'm aware that sexual touch can be powerful too.) Touch can influence behavior,
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increase the chances of compliance, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and friendly.
Go easy, of course: Pat the other person lightly on the upper arm or shoulder. Make it casual and nonthreatening.
Check out Clinton's right-hand-shakes-hands-left-hand-touches-Mandela's-forearm-a-second-later handshake in the link
above and tell me, combined with his posture and smile, that it doesn't come across as genuine and sincere.
Think the same won't work for you? Try this: The next time you walk up behind a person you know, touch them lightly on the
shoulder as you go by. I guarantee you'll feel like a more genuine greeting was exchanged.
Touch breaks down natural barriers and decreases the real and perceived distance between you and the other person--a key
component in liking and in being liked.
They whip out their social jiu-jitsu.
You meet someone. You talk for 15 minutes. You walk away thinking, "Wow, we just had a great conversation. She is
awesome."
Then, when you think about it later, you realize you didn't learn a thing about the other person.
Remarkably likeable people are masters at Social Jiu-Jitsu, the ancient art of getting you to talk about yourself without you
ever knowing it happened. SJJ masters are fascinated by every step you took in creating a particularly clever pivot table, by
every decision you made when you transformed a 200-slide PowerPoint into a TED Talk-worthy presentation, if you do say
so yourself...
SJJ masters use their interest, their politeness, and their social graces to cast an immediate spell on you.
And you like them for it.
Social jiu-jitsu is easy. Just ask the right questions. Stay open-ended and allow room for description and introspection. Ask
how, or why, or who.
As soon as you learn a little about someone, ask how they did it. Or why they did it. Or what they liked about it, or what they
learned from it, or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
No one gets too much recognition. Asking the right questions implicitly shows you respect another person's opinion--and, by
extension, the person.
We all like people who respect us, if only because it shows they display great judgment.
(Kidding. Sort of.)
They whip out something genuine.
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Everyone is better than you at something. (Yes, that's true even for you.) Let them be better than you.
Too many people when they first meet engage in some form of penis-measuring contest. Crude reference but one that
instantly calls to mind a time you saw two alpha male master-of-the business-universe types whip out their figurative rulers.
(Not literally, of course. I hope you haven't seen that.)
Don't try to win the "getting to know someone" competition. Try to lose. Be complimentary. Be impressed. Admit a failing or
a weakness.
You don't have to disclose your darkest secrets. If the other person says, "We just purchased a larger facility," say, "That's
awesome. I have to admit I'm jealous. We've wanted to move for a couple years but haven't been able to put together the
financing. How did you pull it off?"
Don't be afraid to show a little vulnerability. People may be (momentarily) impressed by the artificial, but people sincerely
like the genuine.
Be the real you. People will like the real you.
They ask for nothing.
You know the moment: You're having a great conversation, you're finding things in common... and then bam! Someone plays
the networking card.
And everything about your interaction changes.
Put away the hard-charging, goal-oriented, always-on kinda persona. If you have to ask for something, find a way to help the
other person, then ask if you can.
Remarkably likeable people focus on what they can do for you--not for themselves.
They "close" genuinely.
"Nice to meet you," you say, nodding once as you part. That's the standard move, one that is instantly forgettable.
Instead go back to the beginning. Shake hands again. Use your free hand to gently touch the other person's forearm or
shoulder. Say, "I am really glad I met you." Or say, "You know, I really enjoyed talking with you." Smile: Not that insincere
salesperson smile that goes with, "Have a nice day!" but a genuine, appreciative smile.
Making a great first impression is important, but so is making a great last impression.
And they accept it isn't easy.
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All this sounds simple, right? It is. But it's not easy, especially if you're shy. The standard, power pose, "Hello, how are you,
good to meet you, good seeing you," shuffle feels a lot safer.
But it won't make people like you.
So accept it's hard. Accept that being a little more deferential, a little more genuine, a little more complimentary and a little
more vulnerable means putting yourself out there. Accept that at first it will feel risky.
But don't worry: When you help people feel a little better about themselves--which is reason enough--they'll like you for it.
And you'll like yourself a little more, too.
More From Inc.com
3 Interview Questions That Reveal Everything
6 Things Really Productive People Do
5 Things That Really Smart People Do
Jeff Haden learned much of what he knows about business and technology as he worked his way up in the manufacturing
industry. Everything else he picks up from ghostwriting books for some of the smartest leaders he knows in business.
@jeff_haden
Copyright © 2013 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. /



Lesson Three: Develop Integrity
Lesson Overview
Everything a Nice Guy does or doesn’t do is aimed at gaining other
people’s approval or avoiding their disapproval. This is a primary reason
why Nice Guys rarely rise above the middle of the pack in work and career.
Seeking approval and avoiding disapproval are perhaps the most effective
ways imaginable to limit potential, hamstring initiative, and dilute talent.
This lesson will explore the consequences of seeking approval in work and
career. We will help you to aim for integrity by doing the right thing no
matter what the result.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
• After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Understand and illustrate how the "Committee of Mediocrity" works in
your life.
• Define the concept of integrity.
• Apply the principles of integrity to every area of work and career and
open doors for success and accomplishment.
Reading Assignment
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 3
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lesson Three Lecture
Aiming for Average
Let’s pretend for a minute that you own a business or manage a small
company. Now let’s imagine that you want your company to compete for a
spot in the middle of the pack. You expect your workers to be mediocre at
best, and you are content producing a very average product. If you were
going to create a company like this, how would you go about doing it?
Even though this seems like an odd question and an even odder way to run
a business, consider this: If you wanted to create a very average company,
one of the most effective ways to go about doing so would be to only hire
men and women whose primary concerns are trying to look good, make
everyone happy, and keep the peace. In other words, you would hire a
bunch of Nice Guys.
As presented in Chapter 3 of No More Mr. Nice Guy, everything a Nice Guy
does or doesn’t do is aimed at gaining other people’s approval or avoiding
their disapproval. This is a primary reason why Nice Guys rarely rise above
the middle of the pack in work and career. Seeking approval and avoiding
disapproval are perhaps the most effective ways imaginable to limit
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
potential, hamstring initiative, and dilute talent. Aiming for average? All it
takes is a sincere desire to have everybody like you.
The Committee of Mediocrity
If you have served on a committee, you probably know that seeking group
consensus is probably the least effective way to get something done
efficiently and quickly. The same is true when it comes to your own work
performance. Whenever your core paradigm requires you to seek approval
and avoid disapproval, you are basically allowing a very large and very
dysfunctional committee to run the show for you. I call this the Committee
of Mediocrity. The Committee of Mediocrity is made up of whomever in
your life you are trying to please—past, present, and future.
This Committee doesn’t even have to say anything to run your life. Your
anticipation of how they might react (even if they are dead and gone) or
what they might say is power enough.
Imagine this scenario: Your boss calls you into his office and gives you an
assignment that needs to be completed before the following morning. This
is an opportunity not only to maximize your talents, but also to help your
company make an important sale. Unfortunately, as soon as your boss
calls you into his office, the Committee in your brain is already in action.
You’ve probably heard the voices:
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
• “Doesn’t he know I’m gone from home too much already?”
• “This means the kids are going to be at daycare even longer. What kind
of parent am I anyway?”
• “If I tell the boss “no,” I may never get a chance at this kind of project
again.”
• “What if I mess up? What if I make a mistake and it costs the company
the sale?”
• “I want to make a good impression on the VP, but I hate it when they
drop things on me at the last minute.”
Sound familiar? When the Committee of Mediocrity is running your life, you
never ask yourself the really important questions:
• "How do I feel about this?"
• "What is the best plan of action?"
• "Who do I need to involve to get the best results?"
• "What is most efficient and creative way to get this done?"
Allowing the Committee of Mediocrity to run the show blocks integrity. If
your primary goal is to win other people’s approval, you become
fundamentally dishonest. You never ask yourself what is wrong or what is
right. Because the Committee keeps whispering, "better not do it that way,
someone might get upset," you end up spending too much time trying to
figure out which way the wind is blowing. Not only does this make you
dishonest, it creates fear, and puts a lid on personal initiative, risk-taking,
and creativity.
Creating a New Definition of Integrity
Full Achievers are directed by a committee of one. They don’t seek a
consensus. They aren’t yes men or women. They don’t check to see which
way the wind is blowing before making a decision or acting. In short, Full
Achievers act with integrity. They are directed by what is right, not by what
is expedient, easy, or popular.
In every situation, the Full Achiever asks "What feels right?" and then
does it. Some may argue that this creates a subjective standard of right
and wrong. But when it comes down to it, what other standard do we have
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
to go on? Ask yourself if you would rather have your employees act in
regard to their own consciences, or be directed by a desire to garner the
approval of others.
Practicing Integrity
Applying this definition of integrity to work and career opens doors for
success and accomplishment. Just as seeking approval keeps Nice Guys
wallowing in mediocrity, acting with integrity allows Full Achievers to
rise above the crowd. Of course, having integrity has its risks in our
current business culture. It may not always be popular and it may not
always produce immediate results. In fact, it may get you fired a time or
two. But living with integrity doesn’t focus on outcomes, it focuses on doing
what is right.
Let’s take a look at what happens when Full Achievers act with integrity in
work and career.
Full Achievers are Open Books
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
Full Achievers are "what you see is what you get" people. They do
everything in the open. There is nothing hidden, artificial, or camouflaged
about them. What they say is what they mean. What they do is meant to
please only the committee of one.
After college Jim was hired as an accountant in an international firm. From
his first day, his new manager would leave projects on his desk without any
explanation or guidance. Because he was afraid of losing his job, he felt
afraid to ask for help or direction. Instead, Jim grew very frustrated and put
in countless hours of overtime.
After a few of weeks of feeling completely inadequate, Jim approached his
boss and told him how much trouble he was having. He told him that he
was afraid of losing his job, but he had to tell him how overwhelmed he felt.
Instead of firing him, his manager explained that he had no idea he was
having problems, and that the company didn’t expect a lot from him at first.
Jim’s boss spent the next several days showing Jim how he wanted things
done.
In less than two years, Jim was promoted to head up the department. Upon
his promotion, his new supervisor told him that his advancement was the
result of two things: his high level of skills, and his willingness to ask for
help when he didn’t know something. Jim’s manager assumed that if he
had the integrity to reveal his weaknesses, he would have the integrity to
head up the accounting department.
A fear of being found out will always affect your integrity. For Nice
Guys, learning to be honest takes a concerted effort and lots of practice.
You can’t do this on your own. In order to change deep-seated habits that
create a loss of integrity, you need the help of other people. In Lesson 8 we
will discuss the need to create a group of safe people to help you break
free from the Nice Guy Syndrome. These safe people are essential for
developing integrity.
For now, try this baby step: Ask a trusted friend, colleague, pastor, rabbi, or
therapist to help you work on revealing yourself. Tell them that you need a
safe person to whom you can start telling things that cause you shame,
fear, or anxiety. It is important that you know these people will keep this
information confidential, that they will not judge you, and that they will not
try to correct your problem. Then, a little at a time, begin revealing to this
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
person things about yourself that are difficult to expose. It is okay to reveal
a little at a time, and then, as trust grows, share more. We call this the
share and check method. As you practice revealing yourself, pay attention
to the pieces of information you initially hold back or "color" because of fear
or shame. The eventual goal is to be able to reveal yourself completely to
trustworthy people.
Full Achievers Embrace Their Mistakes
As one successful business owner told his employees, "If you’re not
making mistakes, you’re either not trying anything new or you’re not
working hard enough."
Full Achievers realize that there are no mistakes, only learning
experiences. You can’t learn from your mistakes if you bury them. You
can’t grow or learn new things if you don’t risk moving into new or
unfamiliar territory. This increases the odds that you won’t always get it
right, but that’s how you learn.
As a way of practicing revealing your mistakes, consciously tell a safe
person in your life about a recent mistake you made at work. Share with
this person what you learned from this mistake (if you didn’t spend too
much time covering it up to learn from it). Pay attention to how it feels
immediately after you reveal yourself, and then again about an hour later.
We usually experience a tremendous sense of relief after we bring
something into the open that we have been hiding.
Full Achievers Are Brutally Honest
Full Achievers are clear and direct, open and honest. They don’t use covert
contracts. They don’t sugarcoat anything. They say what they think and
feel. They call it like it is.
William was raised to avoid speaking out or rocking the boat. (His father
had multiple affairs while he was growing up, which the family dealt with by
pretending they weren’t happening.) After graduating with a degree in
engineering, William worked at jobs far below his skill level because of his
feelings of inadequacy. Finally, he landed a job with a consulting
engineering firm. Because they trusted his skills, they gave him important
assignments.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
William’s job was to go into a company and troubleshoot their packing and
shipping processes. Because of his family training, William had a difficult
time telling his clients what they needed to do to become more efficient.
Finally, after sitting through a management team meeting for the company
he was consulting, William blurted out, "The way you are doing it is costing
you thousands of dollars, and here’s why." He went on to explain how the
company could automate their processes to save time and money.
William went back to his hotel that night, terrified that he was going to get
fired for being so blunt. The next day, however, the company president
called William’s boss to say how impressed he was with William’s plan and
with his boldness. He wanted the firm to design new processes for them
and he wanted William to be in charge of the project. From that day on,
William never held back again, no matter how much it scared him. Today
he is a partner in the firm.
An important part of recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome is learning
how to be totally honest. This is a frightening concept for most recovering
Nice Guys. While these men and women often acknowledge that in
principle it seems like a good idea, they just can’t see how it would be a
wise business virtue—"If I was totally honest, I’d be fired in a week!" Full
Achievers don’t think that way.
Developing brutal honesty means telling the whole truth without
holding back. It begins with identifying the fearful voice in your head and
doing the opposite of what it tells you. If the voice says "Don’t tell them
that," it means you need to tell. If they voice says "Leave this part out," you
need to tell that part. If the voice says "Tell it this way so you don’t look
bad," you need to tell it the way it really is, even if someone might have a
negative response. As with other changes, we encourage you to begin this
process with safe people who will support your efforts to become a truly
honest person.
Full Achievers Dare to Risk the Consequences
Full Achievers dare to risk the consequences, because it is the right thing to
do. They do not fear possible outcomes. This can include firing important
clients, telling a customer "no," upsetting the boss, even getting fired. If
your goal is approval, looking good, or keeping your world running
smoothly, you will not do the right thing for fear of negative consequences.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
The next time you are faced with a moral dilemma or a difficult situation at
work, try asking yourself: "If I wasn’t afraid of anything or any outcome,
how would I handle this situation?" Then think back to a similar situation
in which you risked doing what you believed was right. Even if negative
consequences resulted from your integrity, remind yourself that you
handled them and survived. You will handle whatever comes this time, too.
This process can help you face even the most difficult situations with
honesty and integrity.
Note: Both Jim and William are real people (their names have been
changed). The illustrations given in this chapter of how they acted with
integrity are completely true.
Lesson Three Homework
1. Share an example of something you recently covered up at work – a
mistake you made, something you didn’t know or understand, something
you weren’t prepared for. How did it feel to keep this information secret
2. How do you use covert contracts at work? What do you give and what
do you expect in return? How do you feel when others do not respond to
your covert contracts in the way you expect?
3. Do you think it is possible to be clear, direct, open, and honest in all
business situations? Are there situations where it is best to hold back or
to "go along to get along"?
4. Do you know someone who has consistently acted with integrity in the
business world, regardless of the consequences? Share your
impressions of this person with the class.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9


Find the Thing You’re Most Passionate About, Then Do It on
Nights & Weekends for the Rest of Your Life
http://www.theonion.com/articles/find-the-thing-youre-most-passionate-about-thendo,31742/
Mar 20, 2013
By David Ferguson
I have always been a big proponent of following your heart and doing
exactly what you want to do. It sounds so simple, right? But there are
people who spend years—decades, even—trying to find a true sense of
purpose for themselves. My advice? Just find the thing you enjoy doing
more than anything else, your one true passion, and do it for the rest of
your life on nights and weekends when you’re exhausted and cranky and just want to go
to bed.
It could be anything—music, writing, drawing, acting, teaching—it really doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that once you know what you want to do, you dive in a full 10 percent
and spend the other 90 torturing yourself because you know damn well that it’s far too
late to make a drastic career change, and that you’re stuck on this mind-numbing path for
the rest of your life.
Is there any other way to live?
I can’t stress this enough: Do what you love…in between work commitments, and family
commitments, and commitments that tend to pop up and take immediate precedence
over doing the thing you love. Because the bottom line is that life is short, and you owe it
to yourself to spend the majority of it giving yourself wholly and completely to something
you absolutely hate, and 20 minutes here and there doing what you feel you were put on
this earth to do.
Before you get started, though, you need to find the one interest or activity that truly
fulfills you in ways nothing else can. Then, really immerse yourself in it for a few fleeting
moments after an exhausting 10-hour day at a desk job and an excruciating 65-minute
commute home. During nights when all you really want to do is lie down and shut your
eyes for a few precious hours before you have to drag yourself out of bed for work the next
morning, or on weekends when your friends want to hang out and you’re dying to just lie
on your couch and watch TV because you’re too fatigued to even think straight—these are
the times when you need to do what you enjoy most in life.
Because when you get right down to it, everyone has dreams, and you deserve the
chance—hell, you owe it to yourself—to pursue those dreams when you only have enough
energy to change out of your work clothes and make yourself a half-assed dinner before
passing out.
Say, for example, that your passion is painting. Well, what are you waiting for? Get out
there and buy a canvas and some painting supplies! Go sign up for art classes! And when
you get so overwhelmed with your job and your personal life that you barely have enough
time to see your girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife, let alone do anything else, go
ahead and skip classes for a few weeks. Then let those paint brushes sit in your room
untouched for six months because a major work project came up and you had a bunch of
weddings to go to and your kid got sick and money is tighter than you thought it would be
and you have to work overtime. And then finally pick those brushes back up again only to
realize you’re so rusty that you begin to question whether this was all a giant waste of
time, whether you even want to paint anymore, and whether this was just some sort of
immature little fantasy you had as a kid and that maybe it’s finally time to grow the fuck
up, let painting go, and join the real world because, let’s face it, not everyone gets to live
out their dreams.
Not only does that sound fulfilling, but it also sounds pretty fun.
Really, the biggest obstacle to overcome here—aside from every single obligation you have
to your friends, family, job, and financial future—is you. And I’ll tell you this much: You
don’t want to wake up in 10 years and think to yourself, “What if I had just gone after my
dreams during those brief 30-minute lunch breaks when I was younger?” Because even if
it doesn’t work out, don’t you owe it to yourself to look in the mirror and confidently say,
“You know what, I gave it my best half-hearted shot”?


Lesson Four: Think Abundantly
Lesson Overview
Many of the lessons in this course focus on changing your core view of self.
This lesson focuses on changing your view of the world around you. The
premise of this lesson is that the world is a place of abundance. As a Nice
Guy, you are not dealing with a problem of actual scarcity, but of the
perception of scarcity. This lesson will focus on how you can change
distorted perceptions and embrace the abundance that you are already
experiencing.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Identify how deprivation thinking affects your ability to experience
abundance in work and career.
• Identify ways of changing your worldview in order to become a Full
Achiever.
• Develop an accurate and realistic definition of abundance.
• Apply new skills for embracing the abundance that is all around you.
Reading Assignment
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 4
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lesson Four Lecture
Nice Guys can be divided into two categories:
• Those who who donʼt believe they will ever get any of the goodies in life.
• Those who hold onto hope that maybe someday, they will get some
goodies, yet have no real clue how to make it happen.
Both of these groups live in fear that when something good does happen to
them, it will only be a matter of time until the other shoe falls and it is all
taken away. These views of self and the world are a direct result of a life
paradigm developed in childhood.
When your childhood needs were not met in a timely, judicious manner, you
came to believe that the world wasnʼt a predictable or abundant place. You
probably saw the things you needed most (love, attention, affection, food,
material things) as being in short supply. These experiences created a view
of the world that we call deprivation thinking.
Deprivation Thinking
As you grew into adulthood, you probably carried this deprivation thinking
with you. As a result, you make a distorted comparison between yourself
and others around you. This means you typically see others as getting the
opportunities, the breaks, the promotions, and the raises. These
comparisons result in envy, resentment, striving, and, more often than not,
an unconscious surrender to what seems like the harsh unfairness of the
world around you. Like most Nice Guys, you are probably convinced that
the world contains a finite amount of good stuff and most of it goes to
people other than you.
Deprivation thinking makes it difficult for Nice Guys to live up to their
potential and get what they want in work and career (and in life in general).
This is true for two major reasons. The first has to do with how they view
their needs in general. The second has to do with how they view the nature
of the world.
Your view of your needs began in childhood; you interpreted your childhood
experiences to mean that your needs werenʼt very important. As a result,
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
you learned to appear needless and wantless while trying to unconsciously
get your needs met in covert or indirect ways.
As an adult, you probably surround yourself with people who are not
very good at seeing your needs, or at giving to you. You probably donʼt
communicate clearly when you want or need something. And, when people
do try to give to you, you probably have difficulty receiving (Nice Guys
often feel guilt and anxiety when people try to give to them). This is why
Nice Guys often settle for scraps (being underpaid, under-appreciated, and
overworked) and convince themselves that this is all they deserve.
A second reason that deprivation thinking prevents you from living up to
your potential is that it is difficult for you to see, and therefore accept,
the abundance of the universe. If there isnʼt much to go around, why set
your sights high and go for the brass ring?
As a consequence, you probably donʼt even notice most of the doors of
opportunity that open up to you, let alone walk through them. So you end
up playing it safe, doing the same old thing, and secretly envying others
who seem to get all the breaks and have all the luck.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
Changing Your View of the World
Even though you canʼt change what happened to you as a child, you can
change your inaccurate interpretation about what happened. Just because
your parents couldnʼt always respond to your needs doesnʼt mean this is
the way the rest of the world works.
Hereʼs the good news: The universe is different from your family. The
fact that so many people experience abundant wealth and emotional wellbeing
is proof that there is enough to go around. The world is filled with
unlimited opportunity and abundance that are freely available to you. Or,
stated another way, there is a boatload of goodies for the taking. This is
what we call abundance thinking.
Look around you. Notice the sheer material wealth: the homes, the cars,
the televisions, the recreational equipment. Then look at the people. Most
are well-fed and well-clothed, many are exercising, headed off for jobs they
love, holding hands with loved ones, smiling. Even if each person is not
experiencing all of these things, the fact is clear: These things exist, and
they exist in abundance.
The fact that some people donʼt allow abundance into their lives is not proof
that the goodies arenʼt there, merely evidence that not everyone can accept
them. In other words, people not living abundantly has more to do with
people themselves than with what the world has to offer.
The premise of this lesson is that the world is an abundant place and
that you have been and will be abundantly blessed. As a Nice Guy, you
are not dealing with a problem of actual scarcity, but with the perception of
scarcity.
Full Achievers are comfortable living in an abundant world. It fits their world
paradigm. Because of their abundance thinking, they believe:
• They are important
• Their needs are important
• The world is a predictable and abundant place where they can get
their needs met
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
Full Achievers interpret the reality of others having plenty as evidence that
there is plenty for everyone. Full Achievers live their lives knowing that
because they are important and their needs are important, they will always
be supplied with an abundance of what they need. This belief eliminates
striving, fear, hoarding, worry, and anxiety, leaving more time and energy
for enjoying the bounty that surrounds them.
Embracing Abundance
Opening up to abundance isn't a pursuit; it's a state of mind.
Abundance isnʼt an issue of degree; itʼs an issue of awareness and
acceptance.
Abundance is not defined by how much a person has, but by how
aware a person is of how much he or she has. If you canʼt see that
you are already abundantly blessed, you wonʼt be able to see it if it is
multiplied by 10, or 100, or 1000, or even a million.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
While it may appear that some people have more material things, that
doesnʼt mean that they have more abundance. The accumulation of stuff
does not necessarily mean that a person feels blessed, abundant, or
prosperous. In fact, having a lot of things often gets in the way of a
personʼs ability to feel wealthy or satisfied. Abundance canʼt be defined just
in terms of volume or mass. It can include health, friends, happiness, or
well-being.
Abundance is like air. You are already experiencing it with every breath
you take. If you already have all the air you need, there is no reason to hold
your breath and hoard the air you have, gasp for more air, worry if there will
be enough air tomorrow, or envy those who appear to be breathing more
than their fair share.
Want to experience abundance? Stop pursuing it. Stop searching for it.
Stop grasping for it. If your core paradigm doesnʼt allow you to believe that
there is enough to go around, no amount of searching or striving will allow
you to receive what is out there. Becoming a Full Achiever isnʼt about
finding ways to get more opportunities or more goodies, itʼs about changing
the core paradigm that prevents you from seeing and experiencing the
abundance that already surrounds you.
Try this: Think about some good and unexpected thing that happened to
you in the last twenty-four hours—some blessing that you werenʼt seeking
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
or searching for. It could be a strangerʼs smile, a friendʼs gesture of
generosity, a favorite song on the radio, the touch of a loved one, a
pleasant conversation, a good laugh, a refund in the mail. Too often we are
so consumed with searching and grasping for something that we donʼt
notice the multitude of blessings that flow continuously through our lives.
Until you change your core beliefs about yourself and the world, you wonʼt
find what you are searching for. You already have it—you just lack the
ability to see it. The paradox of abundance is that you have to stop
seeking it and start realizing that you already have it. This can be
difficult for Nice Guys because of their deprivation thinking. Justin is a good
example of this phenomenon.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
We met Justin in Lesson 2. Since his needs were not regularly met in
childhood, he operated his landscaping business based on the belief that
there would never be enough to go around. He constantly strained for
"success" and "wealth." He had tremendous envy for those who seemed to
have more success, opportunity, or wealth than he.
This became apparent on one occasion when Justin complained about an
appraiser who charged him $400 for a home appraisal. (Justin was in the
process of refinancing his house, something that would save him a few
hundred dollars a month.) "Thatʼs the kind of job I want," Justin complained.
"Charge someone $400 and do 15 minutes of work."
When confronted with envy, Justinʼs response was that he worked hard for
his money and that it always seemed like other people had it easier than
him. We shared with Justin that he would never enjoy abundance until he
did two very important things:
1. Stop envying. As long as he resented others for their abundance, Justin
would never be comfortable with his own abundance.
2. Start embracing how abundantly blessed he already was. Justin saw
the world as consisting of two kinds of people: people who had lots of
goodies, and people like him. As long as he saw people with abundance
as being different from him, he could never be one of them. In order to
experience abundance, Justin had to start seeing himself as just like the
people who he saw as abundantly blessed.
Ironically, since Justin started his own business, he had experienced
tremendous abundance in many forms, both material and nonmaterial. He
had quit a boring, unfulfilling job and was now his own boss. In a year, he
had gone from a one-man operation to having three men working for him.
He had leisure time in the winter to enjoy his children and his passion,
snowboarding. At that very moment, he had $500 cash in his wallet.
Unfortunately, Justinʼs core paradigm of deprivation prevented him from
seeing and appreciating these blessings. Even after this was pointed out to
him, his response was, "Yeah, but Iʼm still in debt."
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
To help Justin start changing his core paradigm, he was given the
assignment to repeat the following mantra to himself several times a day: "I
am wealthy and becoming wealthier every day."
Like Justin, you have to change your deprivation thinking in order to begin
experiencing the abundance you already have. Take a moment to write
down a mantra of your own that reflects the abundance of your life. This
mantra could include truths like "I am richly blessed," "I am loving and I am
loved," "Thereʼs plenty for everybody," or "Thank you." Repeat your mantra
several times a day until you come to believe it.
You live in an abundant world. You have been abundantly blessed. The key
to having everything youʼve ever wanted is realizing that you already have
it.
Counting Your Blessings: Gratitude Practice
Becoming a Full Achiever isnʼt about finding ways to get more goodies, but
about changing the deprivation thinking that prevents you from seeing and
embracing the abundance you already have.
At least three times a day, spend some time thinking about and having
gratitude for your blessings. Try doing this first thing in the morning, before
you go to bed at night, and at least once more during the day.
Create a way for this activity to be a moment during your day that is
different from your other activities. If possible, find a time to be alone while
you do this. It can be helpful to do this activity in the same location each
time as well. Some people find it meaningful to create a meditative
environment (e.g., lighting a candle, kneeling, sitting on a pillow, etc.). Do
what helps you feel calm, meditative, and emotionally centered. The goal is
to create a personal practice that is radically different from how you usually
go about your day.
In a journal, make a list of the blessings for which you are most thankful.
Review this journal several times a day.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9
Lesson Four Homework
1. How do you think striving after things prevents you from experiencing
abundance?
2. How do you think simplifying your life would make it easier to be aware
of abundance? How do things get in the way of experiencing abundance?
3. This lesson describes four reasons why Nice Guys have difficulty getting
their needs met. These include:
• trying to appear needless and wantless
• being terrible receivers
• using covert contracts
• caretaking
Choose one of these traits and discuss how it gets in the way of your
experiencing abundance in your work and career.
4. Even if you donʼt believe it, write a short paragraph arguing for the
existence of an abundant world in which goodies are available to all.
5. What was your overall experience of the Gratitude Practice described at
the end of the lesson? Did you find yourself resisting it or embracing it?
How do you feel after the gratitude practice?
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
10


Find the Thing You’re Most Passionate About, Then Do It on
Nights & Weekends for the Rest of Your Life
http://www.theonion.com/articles/find-the-thing-youre-most-passionate-about-thendo,31742/
Mar 20, 2013
By David Ferguson
I have always been a big proponent of following your heart and doing
exactly what you want to do. It sounds so simple, right? But there are
people who spend years—decades, even—trying to find a true sense of
purpose for themselves. My advice? Just find the thing you enjoy doing
more than anything else, your one true passion, and do it for the rest of
your life on nights and weekends when you’re exhausted and cranky and just want to go
to bed.
It could be anything—music, writing, drawing, acting, teaching—it really doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that once you know what you want to do, you dive in a full 10 percent
and spend the other 90 torturing yourself because you know damn well that it’s far too
late to make a drastic career change, and that you’re stuck on this mind-numbing path for
the rest of your life.
Is there any other way to live?
I can’t stress this enough: Do what you love…in between work commitments, and family
commitments, and commitments that tend to pop up and take immediate precedence
over doing the thing you love. Because the bottom line is that life is short, and you owe it
to yourself to spend the majority of it giving yourself wholly and completely to something
you absolutely hate, and 20 minutes here and there doing what you feel you were put on
this earth to do.
Before you get started, though, you need to find the one interest or activity that truly
fulfills you in ways nothing else can. Then, really immerse yourself in it for a few fleeting
moments after an exhausting 10-hour day at a desk job and an excruciating 65-minute
commute home. During nights when all you really want to do is lie down and shut your
eyes for a few precious hours before you have to drag yourself out of bed for work the next
morning, or on weekends when your friends want to hang out and you’re dying to just lie
on your couch and watch TV because you’re too fatigued to even think straight—these are
the times when you need to do what you enjoy most in life.
Because when you get right down to it, everyone has dreams, and you deserve the
chance—hell, you owe it to yourself—to pursue those dreams when you only have enough
energy to change out of your work clothes and make yourself a half-assed dinner before
passing out.
Say, for example, that your passion is painting. Well, what are you waiting for? Get out
there and buy a canvas and some painting supplies! Go sign up for art classes! And when
you get so overwhelmed with your job and your personal life that you barely have enough
time to see your girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife, let alone do anything else, go
ahead and skip classes for a few weeks. Then let those paint brushes sit in your room
untouched for six months because a major work project came up and you had a bunch of
weddings to go to and your kid got sick and money is tighter than you thought it would be
and you have to work overtime. And then finally pick those brushes back up again only to
realize you’re so rusty that you begin to question whether this was all a giant waste of
time, whether you even want to paint anymore, and whether this was just some sort of
immature little fantasy you had as a kid and that maybe it’s finally time to grow the fuck
up, let painting go, and join the real world because, let’s face it, not everyone gets to live
out their dreams.
Not only does that sound fulfilling, but it also sounds pretty fun.
Really, the biggest obstacle to overcome here—aside from every single obligation you have
to your friends, family, job, and financial future—is you. And I’ll tell you this much: You
don’t want to wake up in 10 years and think to yourself, “What if I had just gone after my
dreams during those brief 30-minute lunch breaks when I was younger?” Because even if
it doesn’t work out, don’t you owe it to yourself to look in the mirror and confidently say,
“You know what, I gave it my best half-hearted shot”?






Lesson Four: Think Abundantly
Lesson Overview
Many of the lessons in this course focus on changing your core view of self.
This lesson focuses on changing your view of the world around you. The
premise of this lesson is that the world is a place of abundance. As a Nice
Guy, you are not dealing with a problem of actual scarcity, but of the
perception of scarcity. This lesson will focus on how you can change
distorted perceptions and embrace the abundance that you are already
experiencing.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Identify how deprivation thinking affects your ability to experience
abundance in work and career.
• Identify ways of changing your worldview in order to become a Full
Achiever.
• Develop an accurate and realistic definition of abundance.
• Apply new skills for embracing the abundance that is all around you.
Reading Assignment
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 4
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lesson Four Lecture
Nice Guys can be divided into two categories:
• Those who who donʼt believe they will ever get any of the goodies in life.
• Those who hold onto hope that maybe someday, they will get some
goodies, yet have no real clue how to make it happen.
Both of these groups live in fear that when something good does happen to
them, it will only be a matter of time until the other shoe falls and it is all
taken away. These views of self and the world are a direct result of a life
paradigm developed in childhood.
When your childhood needs were not met in a timely, judicious manner, you
came to believe that the world wasnʼt a predictable or abundant place. You
probably saw the things you needed most (love, attention, affection, food,
material things) as being in short supply. These experiences created a view
of the world that we call deprivation thinking.
Deprivation Thinking
As you grew into adulthood, you probably carried this deprivation thinking
with you. As a result, you make a distorted comparison between yourself
and others around you. This means you typically see others as getting the
opportunities, the breaks, the promotions, and the raises. These
comparisons result in envy, resentment, striving, and, more often than not,
an unconscious surrender to what seems like the harsh unfairness of the
world around you. Like most Nice Guys, you are probably convinced that
the world contains a finite amount of good stuff and most of it goes to
people other than you.
Deprivation thinking makes it difficult for Nice Guys to live up to their
potential and get what they want in work and career (and in life in general).
This is true for two major reasons. The first has to do with how they view
their needs in general. The second has to do with how they view the nature
of the world.
Your view of your needs began in childhood; you interpreted your childhood
experiences to mean that your needs werenʼt very important. As a result,
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
you learned to appear needless and wantless while trying to unconsciously
get your needs met in covert or indirect ways.
As an adult, you probably surround yourself with people who are not
very good at seeing your needs, or at giving to you. You probably donʼt
communicate clearly when you want or need something. And, when people
do try to give to you, you probably have difficulty receiving (Nice Guys
often feel guilt and anxiety when people try to give to them). This is why
Nice Guys often settle for scraps (being underpaid, under-appreciated, and
overworked) and convince themselves that this is all they deserve.
A second reason that deprivation thinking prevents you from living up to
your potential is that it is difficult for you to see, and therefore accept,
the abundance of the universe. If there isnʼt much to go around, why set
your sights high and go for the brass ring?
As a consequence, you probably donʼt even notice most of the doors of
opportunity that open up to you, let alone walk through them. So you end
up playing it safe, doing the same old thing, and secretly envying others
who seem to get all the breaks and have all the luck.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
Changing Your View of the World
Even though you canʼt change what happened to you as a child, you can
change your inaccurate interpretation about what happened. Just because
your parents couldnʼt always respond to your needs doesnʼt mean this is
the way the rest of the world works.
Hereʼs the good news: The universe is different from your family. The
fact that so many people experience abundant wealth and emotional wellbeing
is proof that there is enough to go around. The world is filled with
unlimited opportunity and abundance that are freely available to you. Or,
stated another way, there is a boatload of goodies for the taking. This is
what we call abundance thinking.
Look around you. Notice the sheer material wealth: the homes, the cars,
the televisions, the recreational equipment. Then look at the people. Most
are well-fed and well-clothed, many are exercising, headed off for jobs they
love, holding hands with loved ones, smiling. Even if each person is not
experiencing all of these things, the fact is clear: These things exist, and
they exist in abundance.
The fact that some people donʼt allow abundance into their lives is not proof
that the goodies arenʼt there, merely evidence that not everyone can accept
them. In other words, people not living abundantly has more to do with
people themselves than with what the world has to offer.
The premise of this lesson is that the world is an abundant place and
that you have been and will be abundantly blessed. As a Nice Guy, you
are not dealing with a problem of actual scarcity, but with the perception of
scarcity.
Full Achievers are comfortable living in an abundant world. It fits their world
paradigm. Because of their abundance thinking, they believe:
• They are important
• Their needs are important
• The world is a predictable and abundant place where they can get
their needs met
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
Full Achievers interpret the reality of others having plenty as evidence that
there is plenty for everyone. Full Achievers live their lives knowing that
because they are important and their needs are important, they will always
be supplied with an abundance of what they need. This belief eliminates
striving, fear, hoarding, worry, and anxiety, leaving more time and energy
for enjoying the bounty that surrounds them.
Embracing Abundance
Opening up to abundance isn't a pursuit; it's a state of mind.
Abundance isnʼt an issue of degree; itʼs an issue of awareness and
acceptance.
Abundance is not defined by how much a person has, but by how
aware a person is of how much he or she has. If you canʼt see that
you are already abundantly blessed, you wonʼt be able to see it if it is
multiplied by 10, or 100, or 1000, or even a million.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
While it may appear that some people have more material things, that
doesnʼt mean that they have more abundance. The accumulation of stuff
does not necessarily mean that a person feels blessed, abundant, or
prosperous. In fact, having a lot of things often gets in the way of a
personʼs ability to feel wealthy or satisfied. Abundance canʼt be defined just
in terms of volume or mass. It can include health, friends, happiness, or
well-being.
Abundance is like air. You are already experiencing it with every breath
you take. If you already have all the air you need, there is no reason to hold
your breath and hoard the air you have, gasp for more air, worry if there will
be enough air tomorrow, or envy those who appear to be breathing more
than their fair share.
Want to experience abundance? Stop pursuing it. Stop searching for it.
Stop grasping for it. If your core paradigm doesnʼt allow you to believe that
there is enough to go around, no amount of searching or striving will allow
you to receive what is out there. Becoming a Full Achiever isnʼt about
finding ways to get more opportunities or more goodies, itʼs about changing
the core paradigm that prevents you from seeing and experiencing the
abundance that already surrounds you.
Try this: Think about some good and unexpected thing that happened to
you in the last twenty-four hours—some blessing that you werenʼt seeking
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
or searching for. It could be a strangerʼs smile, a friendʼs gesture of
generosity, a favorite song on the radio, the touch of a loved one, a
pleasant conversation, a good laugh, a refund in the mail. Too often we are
so consumed with searching and grasping for something that we donʼt
notice the multitude of blessings that flow continuously through our lives.
Until you change your core beliefs about yourself and the world, you wonʼt
find what you are searching for. You already have it—you just lack the
ability to see it. The paradox of abundance is that you have to stop
seeking it and start realizing that you already have it. This can be
difficult for Nice Guys because of their deprivation thinking. Justin is a good
example of this phenomenon.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
We met Justin in Lesson 2. Since his needs were not regularly met in
childhood, he operated his landscaping business based on the belief that
there would never be enough to go around. He constantly strained for
"success" and "wealth." He had tremendous envy for those who seemed to
have more success, opportunity, or wealth than he.
This became apparent on one occasion when Justin complained about an
appraiser who charged him $400 for a home appraisal. (Justin was in the
process of refinancing his house, something that would save him a few
hundred dollars a month.) "Thatʼs the kind of job I want," Justin complained.
"Charge someone $400 and do 15 minutes of work."
When confronted with envy, Justinʼs response was that he worked hard for
his money and that it always seemed like other people had it easier than
him. We shared with Justin that he would never enjoy abundance until he
did two very important things:
1. Stop envying. As long as he resented others for their abundance, Justin
would never be comfortable with his own abundance.
2. Start embracing how abundantly blessed he already was. Justin saw
the world as consisting of two kinds of people: people who had lots of
goodies, and people like him. As long as he saw people with abundance
as being different from him, he could never be one of them. In order to
experience abundance, Justin had to start seeing himself as just like the
people who he saw as abundantly blessed.
Ironically, since Justin started his own business, he had experienced
tremendous abundance in many forms, both material and nonmaterial. He
had quit a boring, unfulfilling job and was now his own boss. In a year, he
had gone from a one-man operation to having three men working for him.
He had leisure time in the winter to enjoy his children and his passion,
snowboarding. At that very moment, he had $500 cash in his wallet.
Unfortunately, Justinʼs core paradigm of deprivation prevented him from
seeing and appreciating these blessings. Even after this was pointed out to
him, his response was, "Yeah, but Iʼm still in debt."
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
To help Justin start changing his core paradigm, he was given the
assignment to repeat the following mantra to himself several times a day: "I
am wealthy and becoming wealthier every day."
Like Justin, you have to change your deprivation thinking in order to begin
experiencing the abundance you already have. Take a moment to write
down a mantra of your own that reflects the abundance of your life. This
mantra could include truths like "I am richly blessed," "I am loving and I am
loved," "Thereʼs plenty for everybody," or "Thank you." Repeat your mantra
several times a day until you come to believe it.
You live in an abundant world. You have been abundantly blessed. The key
to having everything youʼve ever wanted is realizing that you already have
it.
Counting Your Blessings: Gratitude Practice
Becoming a Full Achiever isnʼt about finding ways to get more goodies, but
about changing the deprivation thinking that prevents you from seeing and
embracing the abundance you already have.
At least three times a day, spend some time thinking about and having
gratitude for your blessings. Try doing this first thing in the morning, before
you go to bed at night, and at least once more during the day.
Create a way for this activity to be a moment during your day that is
different from your other activities. If possible, find a time to be alone while
you do this. It can be helpful to do this activity in the same location each
time as well. Some people find it meaningful to create a meditative
environment (e.g., lighting a candle, kneeling, sitting on a pillow, etc.). Do
what helps you feel calm, meditative, and emotionally centered. The goal is
to create a personal practice that is radically different from how you usually
go about your day.
In a journal, make a list of the blessings for which you are most thankful.
Review this journal several times a day.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9
Lesson Four Homework
1. How do you think striving after things prevents you from experiencing
abundance?
2. How do you think simplifying your life would make it easier to be aware
of abundance? How do things get in the way of experiencing abundance?
3. This lesson describes four reasons why Nice Guys have difficulty getting
their needs met. These include:
• trying to appear needless and wantless
• being terrible receivers
• using covert contracts
• caretaking
Choose one of these traits and discuss how it gets in the way of your
experiencing abundance in your work and career.
4. Even if you donʼt believe it, write a short paragraph arguing for the
existence of an abundant world in which goodies are available to all.
5. What was your overall experience of the Gratitude Practice described at
the end of the lesson? Did you find yourself resisting it or embracing it?
How do you feel after the gratitude practice?
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
10

How to Get a Job - NYTimes.com 5/29/13 5:24 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/29/opinion/friedman-how-to-get-a-job.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20130529&pagewanted=print Page 1 of 3
May 28, 2013
How to Get a Job
By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Underneath the huge drop in demand that drove unemployment up to 9 percent during the
recession, there’s been an important shift in the education-to-work model in America. Anyone
who’s been looking for a job knows what I mean. It is best summed up by the mantra from the
Harvard education expert Tony Wagner that the world doesn’t care anymore what you know; all it
cares “is what you can do with what you know.” And since jobs are evolving so quickly, with so
many new tools, a bachelor’s degree is no longer considered an adequate proxy by employers for
your ability to do a particular job — and, therefore, be hired. So, more employers are designing
their own tests to measure applicants’ skills. And they increasingly don’t care how those skills were
acquired: home schooling, an online university, a massive open online course, or Yale. They just
want to know one thing: Can you add value?
One of the best ways to understand the changing labor market is to talk to the co-founders of
HireArt (www.hireart.com): Eleonora Sharef, 27, a veteran of McKinsey; and Nick Sedlet, 28, a
math whiz who left Goldman Sachs. Their start-up was designed to bridge the divide between jobseekers
and job-creators.
“The market is broken on both sides,” explained Sharef. “Many applicants don’t have the skills that
employers are seeking, and don’t know how to get them. But employers also ... have unrealistic
expectations.” They’re all “looking for purple unicorns: the perfect match. They don’t want to train
you, and they expect you to be overqualified.” In the new economy, “you have to prove yourself,
and we’re an avenue for candidates to do that,” said Sharef. “A degree document is no longer a
proxy for the competency employers need.” Too many of the “skills you need in the workplace
today are not being taught by colleges.”
The way HireArt works, explained Sharef (who was my daughter’s college roommate), is that
clients — from big companies, like Cisco, Safeway and Airbnb, to small family firms — come with a
job description and then HireArt designs online written and video tests relevant for that job. Then
HireArt culls through the results and offers up the most promising applicants to the company,
which chooses among them.
With 50,000 registered job-seekers on HireArt’s platform, the company receives about 500
How to Get a Job - NYTimes.com 5/29/13 5:24 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/29/opinion/friedman-how-to-get-a-job.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20130529&pagewanted=print Page 2 of 3
applicants per job opening, said Sharef, adding: “While it’s great that the Internet allows people to
apply to lots of jobs, it has led to some very unhealthy behavior. Job-seekers tell me that they apply
to as many as 500 jobs in four to five months without doing almost any research. One candidate
told me he had written a computer program that allowed him to auto-apply to every single job on
Craigslist in a certain city. Given that candidates don’t self-select, recruiters think of résumés as
‘mostly spam,’ and their approach is to ‘wade through the mess’ to find the treasures. Of these, only
one person gets hired — one out of 500 — so the ‘success rate’ is very low for us and for our
candidates.”
How are people tested? HireArt asks candidates to do tasks that mimic the work they would do on
the job. If it is for a Web analytics job, HireArt might ask: “You are hired as the marketing manager
at an e-commerce company and asked to set up a Web site analytics system. What are the key
performance indicators you would measure? How would you measure them?”
Or, if you want to be a social media manager, said Sharef, “you will have to demonstrate familiarity
with Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Google+, HTML, On-Page SEO and Key Word Analysis.” Sample
question: “Kanye West just released a new fashion collection. You can see it here. Imagine you had
to write a tweet promoting this collection. What would your tweet be?” Someone applying for a
sales job would have to record a sales pitch over video.
Added Sharef: “What surprises me most about people’s skills is how poor their writing and
grammar are, even for college graduates. If we can’t get the basics right, there is a real problem.”
Still, she adds, HireArt sees many talented people who are just “confused about what jobs they are
qualified for, what jobs are out there and where they fit in.”
So what does she advise? Sharef pointed to one applicant, a Detroit woman who had worked as a
cashier at Borders. She realized that that had no future, so she taught herself Excel. “We gave her a
very rigorous test, and she outscored people who had gone to Stanford and Harvard. She ended up
as a top applicant for a job that, on paper, she was completely unqualified for.”
People get rejected for jobs for two main reasons, said Sharef. One, “you’re not showing the
employer how you will help them add value,” and, two, “you don’t know what you want, and it
comes through because you have not learned the skills that are needed.” The most successful job
candidates, she added, are “inventors and solution-finders,” who are relentlessly “entrepreneurial”
because they understand that many employers today don’t care about your résumé, degree or how
you got your knowledge, but only what you can do and what you can continuously reinvent yourself
to do.
How to Get a Job - NYTimes.com 5/29/13 5:24 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/29/opinion/friedman-how-to-get-a-job.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20130529&pagewanted=print Page 3 of 3


Marcia Sirota: The Diference Between Being Nice and Being Kind 5/6/14, 4:02 PM
http://www.hufngtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/too-nice_b_946956.html?view=print&comm_ref=false Page 1 of 2
The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Kind
You've heard the phrase, "So-and-so is a really nice person," and probably thought nothing of it. In my work, though, I think a
lot about what it means to be "really nice" as I see a major distinction between being nice and being genuinely kind.
The way I understand it, kindness emerges from someone who's confident, compassionate and comfortable with themselves. A
kind person is loving and giving out of the goodness of their heart.
At the root of extreme niceness, however, are feelings of inadequacy and the need to get approval and validation from others.
Overly-nice people try to please so that they can feel good about themselves.
Genuinely kind people are giving because it's in their nature to care, and since they have no ulterior motives, they aren't
concerned with whether or not other people like them.
Kind people can be assertive and set good limits. Nice people, on the other hand, bend over backward to be obliging. They
deal with potential conflicts by placating the other person because they can't bear to have anyone upset with them.
Kind people have good self-esteem and because they love themselves as much as they care about others, they expect to be
treated with respect. Nice people are desperate for approval, so they're often mistreated or taken advantage of.
Nice people tend to do too much for those who don't deserve it and are easy prey for users. They get into co-dependent
relationships in which they care-take others in the hopes of eventually being cared for themselves.
This co-dependent interaction, however, is a lose-lose for everyone involved. The nice person fails to get the love and approval
they seek, and the person on the receiving end never feels like they're getting enough care. Instead of being grateful, they
become resentful toward the pleaser.
Kind people take responsibility for their own self-care. They're generous, even altruistic, but don't get caught up in a userpleaser
type of relationship.
The nice person is careful not to offend anyone and wouldn't dream of expressing a "negative" emotion. They focus on being
good to others, to the detriment of their own needs. In fact, they're afraid to ask for what they want for fear of creating conflict.
Nice people stuff down their feelings, not wanting to be a bother to anyone, but the problem with this is
that emotions can't be kept down indefinitely. Feelings and needs are meant to be expressed and when they're repressed, they
find another outlet.
Being nice, then, has unforeseen consequences: it's painful to seek affirmation but receive contempt. Always holding back
needs, feelings and opinions adds to their frustration.
Ultimately, the frustration grows into anger, but showing this anger is unacceptable to someone so invested in always being
pleasant. They're compelled to suppress any "bad" feelings.
As the nice person continues to please everyone and the anger simmers underneath the surface, the pressure builds up. At
some point emotions begin to leak, in the form of snarky comments, whining, needling, sarcasm, passive-aggressive behaviour
or even outbursts of rage.
When a nice person leaks resentment it's usually met with surprise or with more anger, which reinforces their belief that anger
should never be expressed.
A vicious circle is created in which the nice person pleases others, becomes resentful, represses and then leaks their anger
and then represses their feelings some more. As a result, I believe they'll often get caught up in addictive behaviours which are
meant to compensate for their mounting frustration.
I have found that nice people will often turn to starchy, fatty or sugary "comfort foods" to help them to stuff down their anger and
soothe their hurt feelings. They'll sometimes abuse alcohol or turn to tranquillizers to anaesthetize their pain. Some will go on
spending sprees, trying to buy themselves happiness.
May 6, 2014
Posted: 09/06/2011 5:31 pm
Marcia Sirota: The Diference Between Being Nice and Being Kind 5/6/14, 4:02 PM
http://www.hufngtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/too-nice_b_946956.html?view=print&comm_ref=false Page 2 of 2
The nice person is overly-invested in the emotional pay-off they're hoping to achieve by pleasing and taking care of others.
They're also unwilling to face how much hurt or anger they're carrying. They're resistant to changing their behaviour, despite
the consequences of their compensatory addictions.
Kind people are happy people to begin with, and add to their happiness through acts of generosity and altruism. Nice people
are needy people who inadvertently create more and more unhappiness for themselves.
The nice person has to understand that their self-worth can never be improved by being a pleaser. They must learn how to
validate themselves independently of others, and let go of the co-dependent relationships which foster mutual animosity.
When the overly-nice person can let go of the urge to please, they'll be able to identify their real needs and feelings and begin
to take proper care of themselves. They can find happiness in pursuing meaningful activities and relationships instead of giving
too much, becoming resentful and developing nasty addictions along the way.
Follow Marcia Sirota on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@rcinstitute



Lesson Five: Cultivate Courage
Lesson Overview
As a Nice Guy, you may find yourself paralyzed by fear due to some of your
childhood experiences. When situations at work or in your career require
action, you may find that your fear causes you to shut down or avoid the
situation. In contrast, Full Achievers are activated by fear and usually rise to
the occasion.
In this lesson weʼll break fear down to its most basic elements, and then
present a plan to help you use fear as a motivator for action in work and
career. The goal is not to eliminate fear, but to feel it and act anyway.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Identify how your early life experiences can make life seem frightening.
• Understand the core belief behind all fear.
• Explore the differences in the ways Nice Guys and Full Achievers
respond to fear.
• Practice handling fear in work and career.
Reading Assignment
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 5
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers (Optional)
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lecture
The Anatomy of Fear
A common denominator for all Nice Guys is that they did not get their
needs met in a timely, judicious manner as children. For some, this was the
result of the occasional neglect of a depressed or overtired parent. For
others, it was caused by factors beyond anyoneʼs control, such as the
death of a parent or a serious illness in the family. Some Nice Guys
experienced the trauma of abuse or abandonment from the people they
were supposed to be able to depend on for protection.
Regardless of the circumstances, the natural result for children when they
experience any kind of unpredictability, neglect, or abuse is to feel fear and
anxiety. As a result of these kinds of experiences and your inherent
powerlessness as an infant or child to handle life on your own, you
naturally developed a life paradigm that saw the world as a frightening and/
or dangerous place.
This paradigm became etched on your brain at the deepest level and now
affects the way you see the world as an adult. For most Nice Guys, life
does not feel like an adventure. On the contrary, life often seems more like
a frightening, overwhelming, unpredictable journey, as it was when they
were helpless children. Even though you are a competent, mature adult
and have more life skills, you probably have little faith (at least on an
unconscious level) that the world is any different than it was when you were
young.
Because you were forced to handle many overwhelming things when you
were young, immature, and powerless, you struggle with new situations
and lifeʼs challenges because your "memory fear" projects your feelings of
childhood powerlessness onto your current life.
The fear you regularly experience has very little to do with the reality of
what is happening now. The fear that paralyzes, controls you, and prevents
you from living up to your full potential is merely a projection of your
childhood memory. How much easier do you think life would be if you knew
that 95% of your fears were simply the result of old memories, and the
other 5% could be handled by simply taking positive action?
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
The Truth about Fear
Fear is a natural part of life. It can warn us of danger. It can be a signal of
change. However, because of your childhood conditioning, you respond to
fear by shutting down or avoiding the thing that is frightening you.
In her book, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Dr. Susan Jeffers, founder
of "Fear Busters," identifies three levels of fear.
1. The first level consists of surface fears that include things that happen to
us and things that require action. These fears include being laid off,
getting promoted, getting transferred, going back to school, changing
careers, or giving a speech.
2. The second level of fear involves the ego and includes such fears as
rejection, success, failure, and disapproval. These fears involve inner
states of mind rather than exterior situations.
3. Finally, the third level of fear underlies both level one and level two fears
and is simply this: "I canʼt handle it."
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
"I canʼt handle it" is the core paradigm of the Nice Guy Syndrome.
Nowhere does this paradigm get played out more for Nice Guys than in
their work and career.
It doesnʼt matter if you are dealing with a level one or level two situation,
the feelings of impotence and anxiety are the same: I canʼt handle losing
my job. I canʼt handle the demands of being a manager. I canʼt handle
going back to school. I canʼt handle talking in front of people. I canʼt handle
the responsibilities of success. I canʼt handle the shame of failure. I canʼt
handle people not liking me. I canʼt handle it.
Here is the truth about fear: Fear will never go away as long as you
continue to grow. Growing, active people are constantly confronted with
situations that create fear.
Everyone experiences fear when they change jobs or start something new.
Everyone experiences fear when confronted with loss. Everyone
experiences fear when they speak to groups of people. As long as you are
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
alive—and not spending your time hiding under the covers—you are going
to experience fear.
Reacting to Fear
Nice Guys are frequently paralyzed by fear. Rather than confronting
frightening situations head-on, they look for ways under, over, or around
them. They hope that if they avoid fearful situations long enough, they will
somehow go away. As a Nice Guy, you could be avoiding frightening
situations so frequently that you never actually realize how afraid you are.
Full Achievers donʼt try to eliminate or avoid fear. They know that it is part
of life, and they allow it to activate them rather than control them. Changing
jobs, getting laid off, or speaking in public is frightening to Full Achievers,
but they respond to these challenges with confidence. This knowledge
activates them to face their fears, to grow, and to challenge themselves.
Successful people donʼt have an absence of fear; they simply believe that
they can handle the situations that create the fear.
Consider the following situations. Think about how you have responded to
similar situations in the past, and how you could respond in the future if you
allow fear to activate you rather than control you.
• Situation: You have one of those revolutionary ideas that you know will
make a lot of money.
• Nice Guy Response: Do you think about it endlessly, but never
actually find a way to make it happen?
• Full Achiever Response: Or do you do your research and, if it
seems like a valid idea, find a way to make it happen?
• Situation: You make a mistake that may cost your company time and
money.
• Nice Guy Response: Do you hide it, cover it up, make excuses, get
defensive, blame someone else, or all of the above?
• Full Achiever Response: Or do you immediately identify the
mistake, talk with the people who need to know, start working on a
remedy, and learn how to not make the same mistake again?
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
• Situation: You are confronted with a situation that you have never dealt
with before.
• Nice Guy Response: Do you go it alone and spend countless
unproductive and stressful hours trying to figure it out by yourself?
• Full Achiever Response: Or do you ask for help and let the experts
show you the way?
• Situation: Your work situation is undergoing significant change.
• Nice Guy Response: Do you become paralyzed by fear, hunker
down, and spend a lot of time speculating about the change and
talking with other people who are just as afraid as you are?
• Full Achiever Response: Or do you see the prospective changes as
an adventure and a chance to try new things?
• Situation: You are confronted with a conflict situation.
• Nice Guy Response: Do you avoid the person with whom you have
the conflict, talk with everyone but that person, or try to smooth it
over?
• Full Achiever Response: Or do you go directly to the person and
deal with the situation in an assertive and diplomatic way?
• Situation: You are presented with a unique and potentially profitable
business venture.
• Nice Guy Response: Do you salivate at the opportunity, but lament
the fact that you arenʼt in a position to take advantage of it right now?
• Full Achiever Response: Or do you do your research and, if it looks
like a winner, do whatever it takes to get on board?
Do any of the above examples reflect a situation with which you are
presently dealing? If so, spend some time reflecting on the differences in
how Nice Guys and Full Achievers might handle the situation. Visualize
yourself being activated by fear rather than being controlled by it. Visualize
yourself responding like a Full Achiever. Talk about the situation with a
friend. Tell yourself, "No matter what happens, I will handle it." And when
you are ready, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
Handling Fear
Consider this: If everyone feels fear when confronted with changes in life,
yet so many people move ahead in their jobs and careers despite that fear,
then fear must not be the problem.
Ashish is a good example of how you can handle fearful situations primarily
by changing the way you perceive them. Ashish had been progressing well
at the tech company where he worked, but he lived in constant fear that he
would be “found out” that he really wasnʼt as good as everyone thought he
was. He is committee in his mind was working over-time and keeping him
in a state of constant fear.
One day, Ashishʼs boss called him into his office. Initially, he was afraid he
had done something wrong. Instead, his boss gave him an assignment that
he was said was extremely important and needed to be complete by the
next morning.
After receiving the assignment, Ashish was afraid he wouldnʼt be able to
complete the project on time or that he might mess something up. He was
also afraid of upsetting his wife, the possible consequences of saying "no"
to the project, and the reactions of his coworkers, especially a colleague
who might resent him for seeming to be “favored” by his manager.
The core belief behind each of these fears was "I canʼt handle it."
Ashish accepted the assignment and completed it on time. He received
praise and recognition from his boss. Howʼd he do it? He confronted his
fear.
Ashish went back to his office and closed the door. He closed his eyes and
took a few deep breaths. He recognized most of the voices in his head as
being the memory from a childhood where he it seemed as if he could
never do anything right or make anyone happy. Then he repeated to
himself several times, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will
handle it."
Ashish then called his wife, told her he would be working late, and asked
her to pick up the kids. He called several of his coworkers and told them
they would be staying late to help him get the assignment done. Then he
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
called the local pizza place and ordered dinner to be delivered. With the
team, he hammered out the assignment and had it waiting on his bossʼ
desk in the morning. Ashish felt the fear of doing something new and
challenging, and he handled it.
Imagine how much you could accomplish at work and in your career if
you believed that no matter what happened, you could handle it. What
would you possibly have to fear? The fundamental concept when handling
fear is to believe that, no matter what, you will handle it.
"I can handle it." Make this your mantra for the rest of the week at work.
Whenever you are confronted with a new, difficult, or frightening situation,
repeat to yourself: "No matter what happens, I will handle it." Pay attention
to how much easier it becomes to confront frightening situations. No matter
what happens, you will handle it.
Homework
1. Nice Guys believe it is possible to create a problem-free world. How
does your desire to keep things smooth in your work limit your personal
power?
2. Write a paragraph with an example of a situation in which you initially felt
tremendous fear, yet when you acted upon it, you realized that your fears
were exaggerated and not based on the reality of the situation.
3. What would you do differently in your work or career if you had
absolutely no fear? If you knew that there was no possible way for you to
fail, what would you do that you are not presently doing?
Create a Pain-to-Power Chart
In the book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Dr. Jeffers recommends
making a Pain-to-Power Chart. The Pain-to-Power Chart provides a
graphic way to observe how much control fear has over your life. By using
the chart on a daily basis, you can observe your fear and overcome it. As
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
you gain the power to confront fear on a regular basis, you move steadily in
the direction of becoming a Full Achiever.
On a piece of construction paper or butcher paper turned lengthwise, write
the word "Pain" on the far left side, and the word "Power" on the far right
side. In between the two words, draw a line of horizontal arrows pointing in
the direction of "Power."
If youʼd like, you can write your favorite empowering affirmations on the
chart.
Mount your Pain-to-Power chart on a wall where you will see it regularly.
You can make a number of charts to reflect the various areas in your life in
which you want to focus your power. In focusing on work and career, you
may want to create a chart for the current project you are working on, a
goal you have set for yourself, an endeavor you have been wanting to
undertake, or a situation you want to change or that has been a problem for
you.
Place a pushpin on the place on the chart where you currently see yourself.
This is purely subjective. Each day, look at the chart and ask yourself, "Do I
see myself at the same place, or have I moved?" Move the pin accordingly.
If you keep in mind the direction you want to go, it will help you make
decisions about what you are doing in your life. Before you take any action,
ask yourself, "Is this action moving me to a more powerful place?" The
chart will also help you pay attention to how your thoughts affect your
feelings of fear or power.
Your movement on the chart is determined only by your own intuitive sense
of how far you are progressing in gaining more power in your life. It is
based completely on how you are feeling within. Just the act of making the
chart and using it every day is an act of empowerment that will help you
move from fear to powerful action.
4. What were your feelings about making the Pain-to-Power chart and
hanging it in a visible place? Did you have fear or apprehension about
people seeing your chart? How has the chart helped you in your decisionmaking
processes?
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9
5. Share your favorite empowering affirmation with the class.
Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
10


Please, Don’t Be So Nice. Thank You!
Rita J. King
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140619145228-21564708-please-don-t-be-so-nicethank-you
In a perfect world, people would be nice all the time. But this isn’t a perfect world, and the
only way to constantly improve it each day is to have honest interactions about what’s
happening and how it can be fixed.
In the Culture Map system, green is the color of empathy, kindness and humanity. When
it’s done well in an organization, green can make people happy to get up in the morning
and spend their time working with people in an atmosphere of genuine camaraderie. But
each color in the system has a dark side, and the dark side of green is particularly hard to
manage. The problem is that being nice is great, up until there’s a reason why difficult
honesty is required.
The mistake in thinking is the false belief that people will like you more if you’re nice
instead of honest. But the two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. It’s nice when
someone helps you develop your thinking, even if it’s uncomfortable for both parties or
the group in the moment, and honesty doesn’t have to be delivered in a painful way. When
the company culture promotes self-development, constructive reflection becomes a
necessity. It’s a difficult skill to master, but it can be developed.
Nice has a price.
By contrast, red in this system is a deadline-driven color, assertive or even adversarial in
nature. A red worker doesn’t want anything, including you, standing in the way of task
completion. If a red group is at lunch talking about the company softball game from last
night and the database goes down, lunch is over. A green team would be more likely to
finish eating, wrap up the conversation, and then get to work. A green team with a red
leader can feel as if their harmony is being besieged by a demon. But to red, that’s just
how you get stuff done.
Part of the problem is that in order to maintain its harmony, a green group will be nice.
This includes authentically caring about one another’s well being, but also the habit of not
questioning each other, even when a business model can be improved or a teammate is
underperforming for reasons that could easily be addressed, if only someone would be
willing to initiate short-term conflict for long-term gains. Green groups yes their way
through a meeting because they’re too nice to shut something down because it might hurt
someone’s feelings or cause an uncomfortable moment. When it comes time to take
action, those same people who said yes passively avoid doing anything, because they know
the plan isn’t a winner.
Passive resistance when you should speak up in a productive, constructive manner is a
form of aggression. It can contribute to a decline in the health of your company culture
and business, not to mention yourself.
Peace is not the absence of conflict. When people think of conflict, they often imagine
violence or aggression. If conflict is channeled productively (see conflict strategies for nice
people) it becomes a driving force behind a company’s ability to innovate and, yes,
harmoniously co-exist. In a culture of accountability, people are encouraged to help each
other nip potentially destructive or shortsighted behaviors in the bud, before they escalate
into the kind of problems that can break a team or even a company.
Rita J King is the EVP for Business Development at Science House, a cathedral of the
imagination in Manhattan focused on the art and science of doing business. She is a
strategist who specializes in the development of collaborative culture by making
organizational culture visible so it can be measured and transformed. She is a senior
advisor to The Culture Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. She makes Mystery Jars, writes
about the future for Fast Company and invents story architecture, characters and novel
technologies for film and TV as a futurist for the Science and Entertainment Exchange.
Follow @RitaJKing on Twitter.



Lesson Six: Stay Focused
Lesson Overview
In previous lessons we explored how your earliest life experiences
conditioned you to be less than a Full Achiever. We have discussed how
developing integrity, thinking abundantly, and facing your fears can help
reverse this training. In this lesson we will examine how the insidious habit
of staying unfocused prevents you from living up to your potential. This
lesson will help you set a career goal and develop a plan to stay on course
toward realizing your full potential.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
• After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Identify the ways you lose perspective on what is important in your life.
• Explore the unconscious payoffs of staying unfocused.
• Identify a work or career goal and develop a plan for achieving it.
• Begin embracing your passion and purpose in life and career.
Reading
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Chapter 9
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lecture
Ever have one of those dreams where you are running from the bad guys,
but you seem to move in slow motion? No matter how hard you try, you
canʼt make yourself go faster.
Nice Guys live this nightmare daily in their work and career. As weʼve
stated in previous lessons, Nice Guys tend to be moderately successful.
They are often intelligent, creative, and hard working, but no matter how
much they have going for them, their feet seem stuck in quicksand. As a
result, they wallow in mediocrity, and they rarely live up to their full potential
or get what they want in life.
If you have been living the nightmare of moving in slow motion in your job
or career, a primary cause may be a lack of focus. This lack of focus might
be manifested in a number of ways.
You have difficulty finishing important projects. If you donʼt finish
something, you canʼt be criticized for the job you did (or didnʼt do). Itʼs safer
to say "Iʼm writing a novel" than to say "Do you want to read the book I
wrote?" and risk criticism or rejection.
You fall prey to the illusion of deceptive productivity. Do you "major in
minors"? Do you procrastinate, and find a myriad of ways to stay busy
doing seemingly important things while neglecting the truly significant
things in life? Do you juggle too many balls at once or lack organization or
direction? This deceptive productivity prevents you from taking on the truly
important things in life and keeps you moving in slow motion.
You stay tethered to needy people or dysfunctional situations. As a
child, you may have been called on to take care of the needs of the people
around you. As an adult, you may continue this dynamic by getting involved
with people and situations that demand your time, attention, and energy.
Taking care of these people or staying stuck in dysfunctional situations
prevents you from focusing on what is truly important.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
The Payoffs of Staying Stuck
You are intelligent, talented, competent, and motivated, so the question you
have to answer is: "What will it take to get you focused and moving at full
speed?"
Hereʼs an important clue in your search for an answer: All human behavior
has meaning. This is an important truth, because by acknowledging it, we
can solve the mystery of why people sometimes do things that donʼt make
sense.
For example, it doesnʼt make sense that an intelligent, hard-working
individual like you canʼt seem to rise above the middle rungs of the ladder
in your work and career. Even though this reality may not make sense on
the surface, there might be a very logical answer. Perhaps the reason you
havenʼt actualized your full potential is that there are unconscious payoffs
for staying right where you are. Letʼs take a look.
Staying stuck ensures that you never feel like a "phony." Success and
all that it entails is contrary to your core beliefs about yourself and your
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
place in the world. Your childhood conditioning taught you to believe that
you arenʼt important and your needs arenʼt important.
Becoming a CEO, making millions, publishing your book, selling your art,
starting your company, traveling in Europe—these successes all go against
what feels "right" in your brain. If you never do what it takes to move into
these circles, you will never have to feel like a fake, a phony, or an
impostor.
Staying stuck keeps you in a perpetual state of anxiety. Feeling
anxious is a familiar feeling for Nice Guys. Because your childhood needs
were not met in a timely, judicious manner, anxiety and dread became
familiar feelings for you. If you keep procrastinating, or fail to finish what
you have started, you will experience a constant unsettled feeling. Staying
unfocused ensures that you will always have something hanging over you.
This anxiety alone can prevent you from ever having the energy or drive to
pursue your passions, live up to your potential, or get anything really
important done.
Staying stuck protects you from your fear of living an untethered life.
In childhood, it may have felt like it was your job to take care of needy
family members. This may have created a "tether" that served to make sure
you never got too far away, in case these people needed something from
you. It may still feel familiar to be tethered to needy people or dysfunctional
situations. Even though this is limiting and burdening for you, it still feels
safe because it protects you from taking risks and venturing off into the
unknown.
Staying stuck protects you from your fear of moving into the
spotlight. Accomplishment often gets you noticed. When you move to
center stage and stand in the bright light of success, expectations rise.
Mistakes and flaws are harder to hide. Envy, jealousy, and resentment from
others become common place.
Staying stuck means you will never fail at anything. It is far easier and
safer to stay with the familiar than to risk failure by doing something new,
challenging, or risky. Playing it safe certainly prevents you from living up to
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
your potential, but is also ensures that you never have to experience the
"agony of defeat."
Focusing on Your Destination
When a commercial airliner takes off with a load of passengers, it has a
very specific destination. Before taking off, the pilot programs the planeʼs
computer to focus on a radio beacon that is broadcasting from the desired
destination. During flight, both the computer and the pilot constantly
monitor the planeʼs path to make sure it is headed in the straightest
possible line toward that beacon. Due to wind currents, the plane actually
spends more time off course than on, but every time the plane veers
slightly off course, the computer or pilot make an adjustment to bring it
back in line with the beacon. This navigational system helps ensure that the
plane arrives at its destination on schedule.
Full Achievers live their lives in much the same way a commercial airliner
works. These people live up to their full potential because they have a
destination, a plan for getting there, and a well-developed warning system
that lets them know when they veer off course. They have purpose,
passion, and direction.
On the other hand, Nice Guys tend to go where life and circumstance
take them. More often than not, they are driven by their need to be
liked and their desire to have a smooth life.
If you want to live up to your full potential, you have to have some idea of
where you want to go. Iʼm not big advocates of setting external goals, such
as "I want to lose 25 pounds by Christmas." Instead, we support defining
goals based on internal initiative. These "internal" goals or “intentions” are
usually determined by the things we are naturally passionate about.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
If you arenʼt interested or passionate about something, it wonʼt matter how
many "external" goals you set; youʼll probably lose interest rather quickly. If
you do persevere, you will probably be miserable the whole time.
Unfortunately, when I ask most Nice Guys what they want in life, what
excites them, or what they are passionate about, the answers often range
from "I donʼt know" to "not much."
Most Nice Guys have been so conditioned to take care of others and to be
so externally focused that they have no clue what they want or like. They
either donʼt realize that they can make a decision, or donʼt believe they will
be able to get what they really want if they do make a decision.
Focusing on Your Plan for Getting There
Once you have established where you are going, you need a plan and a
map for getting there. Without a plan, your goal is just a pleasant
daydream. Full Achievers turn their dreams into reality because they
develop a strategy for reaching their destination.
Your plan will often be determined by the nature of where you want to go or
what you want to accomplish. The following are a few hints for a successful
plan, regardless of your destination.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
Identify the Ways in which You Distract Yourself
If you are going to be successful, it is critical that you take the time to
identify the ways in which you distract yourself from your plan. This step is
as important as the plan itself. Nice Guys are so good at losing focus that
they often donʼt know when they are off course. This can go on for years.
In what ways do you major in minors? In what ways do you procrastinate?
In what ways do you let your fears control you? In what ways do you create
chaos?
Ask people who know you to help you identify your slippery areas. The
better you know yourself, the sooner you will be able to catch yourself
when you fall into bad behaviors. Again, this is where it is helpful to ask
people to hold you accountable.
Monitor Your Progress
Just as a plane flying from Seattle to Boston spends more time off course
than on, you will frequently veer away from your destination and your plan.
And just like an airliner, you need some kind of monitoring system to keep
yourself on track. You will lose consciousness 10,000 times a day. Your
goal is to regain consciousness 10,000 times a day!
Keeping a journal or posters on your wall to track your progress can be
helpful. Monitoring helps you track your progress toward your goal. By
breaking down your plan into small, doable chunks, you can check off when
you accomplish each piece. Monitoring also allows you to catch yourself
quickly when you start to get off track. Keeping a journal or "to do" list in an
excellent way to keep yourself focused and on track.
Staying Focused Action Plan
In general, Nice Guys do not live a conscious life. If you are a typical Nice
Guy, you live where you live because that is where you live. You do what
you do because that is what you do and you work where you work because
that is where you work. Too many important life issues are the result of
chance, circumstance, and unconscious decisions.
Full Achievers live a conscious life. They ask themselves what is important
and then they do it. In order to actualize your full potential, you have to
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
learn to do consciously what Full Achievers do naturally. This includes
consciously deciding where you want to go and what you want to do in life,
creating a plan for getting there, and monitoring your progress toward your
destination.
Choose a destination. Close your eyes. Give yourself permission to leave
reality for a moment and visualize a fantasy world. In this perfect world, if
you could do anything, where would you live and what would you be doing?
This kind of thinking can be pretty scary, but it is a start in determining
where you want to go in life, work, and career.
Once you have done this visualization, write the word "DESTINATION" in
big letters with a colored marker at the top of a sheet of poster board.
Under this heading, write a few of the details of your “ideal” life.
Make a plan. Without a plan, you will only flounder around and stay stuck
right where you are. Your plan not only spells out what you need to do to
get to your destination, but also helps you to stay on course. With a
different colored marker, write "PLAN" in bold letters on your poster board
under your destination. Under this, write the steps necessary to get where
you want to go.
In developing your plan, follow the guidelines presented in the lecture:
• Keep it as simple as possible.
• To avoid feeling overwhelmed, break it down into small parts.
• Ask for feedback from people who have been where you want to go.
Donʼt reinvent the wheel.
• Ask for help.
• Prioritize. Determine what is most important and do that first.
• Do it now. Avoid procrastination.
• Ask people to hold you accountable.
• Let go of the need to do anything perfectly.
Identify ways in which you distract yourself from your plan. Choose a
different colored marker and write "DISTRACTIONS" in bold letters under
your plan. This is an essential part of the plan, because Nice Guys lose
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
8
focus easily. If possible, brainstorm with people who know you well to
identify the things you do to distract yourself from working toward your
goals.
Do you major in minors? Do you get caught up in taking care of other
peopleʼs problems? Do you procrastinate? Do you get distracted by
addictive behaviors? Identify your warning signs and write them down. This
makes it easier to catch yourself when you begin to lose focus.
Monitor your progress toward your destination. The purpose of making
the poster is to create a visual to help you monitor your progress toward
your goal. This is your directional beacon and your monitoring system.
Mount your poster on a wall and look at it several times a day. Remind
yourself of your destination. Check off the smaller parts of your plan as you
accomplish them. Remind yourself of your unconscious distracting
patterns. Add to the plan as things change or you get new information.
Make it a work in progress until you arrive at your destination.
Living with Passion and Purpose
Full Achievers are passionate people. They live up to their potential and
accomplish meaningful things because they are directed by their passions.
If youʼre not excited about what youʼre doing, it wonʼt matter how clearly
you establish your destination, how well you map out a plan, or how careful
you are to make sure you stay on course.
Full Achievers are easy to recognize because they are excited about what
they are doing in life. In fact, most successful people tend to get at least a
little bit obsessive. If you want to live up to your full potential, you have to
give yourself permission to get excited and passionate.
When we talk with Nice Guys about living with passion, it is not unusual for
them to express a total lack of awareness of anything that gets them
excited. This may be true for you as well. For just a moment, think about
one thing in your life that has seemed really interesting or exciting to you. It
doesnʼt matter what it is. Now ask yourself, "How could I turn this passion
into a job or career?" At the very minimum, how could you make it into a
really interesting hobby or pastime?
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
9
It may feel foreign to have passion. It might scare some of the people
around you. But all great things begin with a dream and end with a dreamer
who found a way to make his or her dreams a reality. Why shouldnʼt that be
you?
Homework
1. How do you think success contradicts your self-image? How do you feel
when you experience successes that contradict your view of yourself?
2. Give an example from your life that illustrates one of the ways listed
below where you lose focus on what is really important:
Difficulty finishing important projects
Falling prey to the illusion of deceptive productivity
Staying tethered to needy people or dysfunctional situations
The need to do everything “perfectly”
Having too many irons in the fire at one time
Not following your passions
Over-thinking and/or making things way too complicated
3. Choose one of the following payoffs for staying stuck and share with the
class how it keeps you from becoming a Full Achiever.
Fear of looking like a "fake" or "phony"
The need to feel anxious
Fear of living an untethered life
Fear of being too visible
Fear of failure
4. This week, spend one hour a day focusing on your deepest desire – the
dream that is most important to you. Donʼt let anything distract you from
this hour of focused attention. Donʼt waste time or let yourself get distracted
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
10
during this time. Every day during this hour, perform some concrete action
that will move you closer to your dream during this time. Spend some time
during this hour visualizing your passion coming to fruition. Follow the
suggestions in the “Staying Focused Action Plan” presented in this lesson.
Donʼt over-think this, itʼs not rocket science. Share your experience with the
class.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
11



Lesson Seven: Do Something Different
Overview
Nice Guys believe that life can and should be smooth and problem-free.
Due to the uncertain nature of their childhood experiences, Nice Guys
develop strategies to minimize or eliminate life’s unpredictability. These
strategies prevent them from actualizing their full potential. In reality,
however, life is not smooth or problem-free. This lesson will present the
concept of life as an adventurous maze lined with open doors of
opportunity. This lesson will also present nine strategies to help recovering
Nice Guys embrace the serendipitous nature of life.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Understand and begin to accept the chaotic nature of life
• Visualize life as an adventure
• Recognize and walk through the open doors of opportunity
Reading
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Review the following sections:
Chapter 2
from Coping With Abandonment through Two Kinds Of Nice Guys
Chapter 3
Spending Time Alone Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves
Chapter 5
Facing Fears Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power
Chapter 9
from Realizing Your Passion and Potential through end of chapter
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
1
Lecture
Life is change.
This reality is diametrically opposed to the core paradigm of the Nice Guy
Syndrome. Nice Guys believe that life can and should be smooth. They
believe that if they do it "right" and discover the "key," they can create a
problem-free life.
As a Nice Guy, your desire for a smooth, predictable life stems from the
unpredictability of your childhood. Because your childhood needs were not
met in a timely manner, life felt frightening and unpredictable. To cope with
this, you attempted to develop a life strategy that would not only minimize
life's unpredictability and chaos, but hopefully eliminate it.
At some point in your life, you developed a strategy of pleasing, caretaking,
avoiding, placating, lying, doing it right, playing it safe, and being a "low
maintenance" kind of guy. You developed this strategy in the hope of
creating a predictable and problem-free world.
By figuring out how to do it "right," you believed you could build up a
"niceness account"—an imaginary stockpile of all your good deeds. You
believed that this account would ensure that no one ever disliked you, got
mad at you, or left you.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
2
For example, if someone got angry at you for forgetting to do something
you promised to do, you believed you could draw on credits from your
account for everything you had done right in the past to dismiss or smooth
over your present shortcoming (and their reaction to it). You also hoped that
by being good, your needs would always get met without having to ask,
and everything would always work out just the way you planned.
In order to break free from the debilitating effects of the Nice Guy
Syndrome and move in the direction of becoming a Full Achiever, you have
to accept four very important realities:
1. Life is not smooth or predictable. Life is chaotic, challenging, and ever
changing—and you can handle it.
2. You are no longer small, dependent, or powerless. You are an intelligent,
talented, competent adult.
3. The roadmap you developed in childhood is outdated, inaccurate, and
won't take you where you want to go in life. But with new and more
accurate information, you can develop a map to help you get what you
want in life.
4. Change makes life interesting and is the catalyst for your natural
inclination to discover and explore.
In order to live up to your full potential and have the success and
abundance you want, you are going to have to honor these truths. In this
lesson we will help you begin working on accepting and embracing the
unpredictable and ever-changing nature of the world. You will also learn to
cultivate the attitude of an explorer—a person who sees open doors of
opportunity and is willing to take the risk of stepping through them.
The Maze of Life
Life is like an infinite maze lined with countless doorways. Each of these
doors leads to another maze. There are all kinds of goodies, adventures,
surprises, challenges, and even sorrows behind every door.
Full Achievers spend their lives exploring mazes. They notice which doors
are open and which are closed. They like to stick their heads through open
doors just to see what’s on the other side. If what they see intrigues them,
they step inside and go exploring. Typically, they don’t get too settled in any
one part of a maze. They enjoy exploring and discovering new things.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
3
Sometimes they encounter sorrow or loss along the way, but they know this
is part of the journey and it doesn’t deter them from their trek.
Nice Guys are different from Full Achievers in that they tend to tread up and
down the same familiar hallways. They only go through the doors they’ve
been through before—the ones they know lead to familiar surroundings. If a
door that used to be open gets closed, Nice Guys will often keep knocking
on that door, even after it is apparent that the door is never going to open
again. If circumstances force them down a hallway they have never been
down before, they approach it with fear and reservation, expecting scary or
bad things.
When Nice Guys find themselves in corridors that seem familiar, they will
spend most of the their time hanging out there—even in hallways and
rooms that are dark, dingy, cold, and in need of repair. Instead of moving
on to potentially more fulfilling parts of the maze, they will try to redecorate
their surroundings so they don’t have to make too many unfamiliar
changes.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
4
Walking through Open Doors
As you begin to develop the attitudes and actions of a Full Achiever,
venturing into the maze and exploring new rooms and corridors will initially
be frightening. You will probably make several detours back to your old
neighborhood at first, but the more time you spend exploring the maze, the
less frightening it will become.
To begin, take a moment to reflect on the past few days. Can you think of a
pleasant, rewarding, or positive experience that you weren’t expecting? Did
you meet someone new whom you seemed to hit it off with? Did you
discover a book or CD that you thoroughly enjoyed? Did someone offer you
a gift, a compliment, or an opportunity? Did you take a wrong turn and see
a new and interesting part of your city or town? These special events are
just a small example of how life works on a grand scale.
Think about it for a moment. If you could really control your life and make
sure it always went exactly the way you planned, none of these things
would have happened. Further, if your goal is to hang on to what is familiar,
you will never notice how many truly good things change can bring into
your life.
Nine Strategies for Embracing Change
The following strategies are aimed not at increasing the amount of
opportunity around you, but at helping you to see opportunities and step
through the doors that are open to you.
1. If something you are doing isn’t working, stop doing it (stop
knocking on closed doors). If trying to get your boss’s approval isn’t
working, stop. If you say "yes" so much that you feel overwhelmed, practice
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
5
saying "no." When you keep doing the same ineffective, repetitive
behaviors, you fail to notice the many doors of opportunity that are open all
around you. Following the same old path is guaranteed to take you to the
same old places.
2) Think of closed doors as an opportunity to try something new.
Recall how some closed doors in your life have led to serendipitous
adventures: You couldn’t get a table at your favorite restaurant, so you
decided to try out the new one across the street—and loved it. The movie
you wanted to see was sold out, so you picked one you knew nothing about
—and loved it. Your department was being reorganized, and although you
faced the transfer with skepticism and reservation, you accepted the new
position—and loved it.
3) Try to look at everything (even the painful, difficult, or
disappointing things) as a gift or opportunity. Grant had always wanted
to start his own business, but could never bring himself to leave a
successful career in the hospitality business. When shifts in the industry
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
6
caused his employer to downsize, he was laid off. After a few months of
looking for a job in a depressed market, he decided that, as he wasn’t
making any money doing nothing, he might as well not make money
running his own business. His new consulting business took a few years to
get going, but today he sets his own hours, works from home, and makes
as much money as he used to—but with much less stress. Ironically, Grant
might not have left his comfortable job and started his own company if he
hadn’t received the "gift" of being downsized.
4) Do something new or different every day. Eat in a different restaurant
(or order something new in your favorite restaurant), listen to a different
radio station, drive home from work a different way, order the same coffee
drink as the person in front of you. Doing the same thing over and over
again creates cognitive blinders that prevent you from seeing how many
choices are available to you. Doing something different creates a chain
reaction. The more things you do differently, the more new doors open up
before you. One simple strategy for discovering new doors is to ask friends
to introduce you to things and people they enjoy.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
drglover.com
7
5) Travel light. Nice Guys burden themselves with so many things that
making changes often seems impossible or overwhelming. Relationships,
kids, mortgage, debt, car payments, expectations, and responsibilities all
become anchors that keep you chained to dead-end situations.
Russ got laid off from a job in the gaming industry. He hated everything
about dealing cards—the late hours, the smoke, the drunken customers—
but as it was the only thing he’d done for fifteen years, he started looking
for a job in the same industry. When we encouraged him to try something
totally different, he initially resisted because he had a car payment, rent,
and child support. Once it sunk it that he would never be happy in the
gaming industry, he started discarding baggage. He sacrificed his deposit
and broke his lease on his apartment. He took his car back to the bank and
told them it was theirs. He negotiated with his ex-wife and she agreed to
lower his child support. He moved in with a friend. Another friend gave him
an old car. Over the next two years, he worked at various jobs, just trying
them on to see what he wanted to do. Finally, he made the decision to go
to school and get training for a job in the tech industry. He is happy and
moving in a good direction because he was willing to shed some baggage
and walk through some new doors.
6) Go by yourself to a place you have never been before. When you
keep going down the same familiar corridors with the same familiar people,
you tend to develop blinders that prevent you from seeing changes in the
scenery. Going by yourself to a place you have never been helps you
venture down new corridors and allows you to be more aware of open
doors. When you are on your own in a new place, you are more likely to do
things, try things, and talk to people than you would if you were with
someone familiar. This kind of exercise can help you change your ways of
relating in your work and career. The more adventurous you become in life,
the more adventurous you will become in your vocation. Pick a place you
have always wanted to go. Start planning a trip there.
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7) Spend time with people. Full Achievers strike a balance between time
alone and time connecting with people. People are a primary way of being
introduced to new doors. Talk with people, especially those you don’t know.
Introduce yourself to one new person every day. When you are thinking
about doing something alone, call someone outside of your close circle of
friends or family and ask them to join you.
8) Learn something new. Learning new things forces you out of your
comfort zone and challenges your brain and body to grow. Learn a
language, a musical instrument, a new sport, a computer program,
needlepoint. Take lessons, paint, act, rebuild an engine. The skills you envy
in other people may not be the product of greater intelligence or talent, but
merely the result of walking through doors you haven’t yet been through.
9) Practice becoming a good ender. Ling was recruited and hired away
from a job he liked by a competitor. The new company made him numerous
promises, but after three years, they had failed to keep most of them. In
addition, they had changed his commission structure, changed his territory
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twice, and changed his sales manager four times. Ling drove his girlfriend
crazy with his complaining, but every time she encouraged him to leave, he
said that if he gave it a little more time, things might get better.
What would you do in Ling’s situation? Most Nice Guys are bad enders.
They have a difficult time knowing when to get out of unsatisfying or bad
situations. When you find yourself in a bad situation, do you try to change
the situation, or do you leave? Full Achievers know they have to let go of
outdated or poor-fitting things that are cluttering their lives in order to make
room for new, better things. Ling was eventually able to acknowledge that
he should have quit after 6 months, before he got too far down a dead-end
corridor.
Don’t try to redecorate a pigsty—it will still be just a pigsty with better
curtains and carpet. Sometimes you have to let go of some of the things
you love in order to get what you want. Get out of the pigsty. Find greener
pastures.
Putting it All Together
Justin is a good example of how a recovering Nice Guy can learn to think
and act more like a Full Achiever. We met Justin in Lesson 4. He had quit a
job he didn't like and started his own landscaping business. Even as
opportunities for growth presented themselves, Justin often clung to
familiar but ineffective ways of running his business. Instead of letting his
accountant set up his books and do his payroll, he tried to do it all himself.
Instead of hiring employees and buying new equipment, he worked long
hours by himself with old equipment. Slowly, his Full Achiever support
group encouraged him to risk walking through open doors. With great
trepidation, he allowed his accountant to set up his books for him. Later, he
hired a part-time employee. Several months later, he bought a second truck
and hired another employee. Every change was difficult for Justin, but each
led to new opportunities and open doors.
Justin knew that something was really starting to change for him when he
was asked to bid on a $20,000 landscaping project. He talked with his
support group and then submitted a bid. He was sure it would be rejected.
Not only was the bid accepted, Justin was asked if he wanted to do an
additional project. A week after signing the contract, he ran into an old
friend who had formerly owned his own landscaping business. The friend
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offered to show him where to get the best prices on plants and supplies. He
also offered to oversee the job on a percentage basis. Justin took him up
on his offer.
Even though Justin felt fear each time he walked through a new door, he
found that it got a little easier each time. He also discovered that every time
he walked through a new door, he discovered several more open doors in
front of him.
The maze of life represents an adventure of epic proportions. You were
born to be an explorer. It’s time to take your foot off the brake, step on the
gas, and go exploring the wondrous serendipity of life.
Homework
1. When you are presented with new opportunities, what are the internal
messages that play in your head? How could you rewrite these messages
to think more like a Full Achiever?
2. Are you a good ender? Share an example of how being a bad ender
caused you unnecessary suffering or grief. Share an example of how
ending something opened new and unexpected doors of opportunity.
3. What are some of the "closed doors" in your job or career right now?
What would you do differently if you knew that these doors would never
open?
4. The purpose of the following activity is to encourage you to step out from
your usual routine and do something new or different every day. This is one
way of finding new and unexpected doors of opportunity.
Every day for the next seven days, you are encouraged to do at least one
thing different that stretches you or introduces you to new people or things.
This could include eating in a new restaurant, introducing yourself to a
stranger, driving home from work a different way, signing up for a class you
have wanted to take, or listening to a different radio station.
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How did this exercise make you feel? Did you make any interesting or
unexpected discoveries? Did any of the things you did lead to other new or
different experiences? Overall, would you rate your experience as positive
or negative?
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
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Lesson Eight: Build Support Systems
Overview
Success requires teamwork. Unfortunately, due to the nature of their
childhood relationships, Nice Guys are not usually effective team players.
Two strong patterns work against Nice Guys realizing their full potential.
The first is a tendency to get wrapped up in taking care of needy and
dependent people, and the second is an inclination to go it alone in the
important areas of life. These two patterns keep Nice Guys stuck in their
work and career. This lesson examines the ways in which you stay
entangled in dependent systems. As this is the last lesson in the course,
we'll present a strategy for building a support system to help you apply the
principles learned in previous lessons and keep moving in the direction of
becoming a Full Achiever.
Time Estimate
It should take approximately 3 hours to complete this lesson's material.
Objectives
After successfully completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Recognize your childhood survival mechanism of trying to be available
to support needy, dependent, or overworked people in your life, while at
the same time trying to create a way to occasionally escape from these
overwhelming demands.
• Identify how you stay tethered to dependent systems.
• Start creating a support system that will help you realize your full
potential.
Reading
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Review the following sections:
Chapter 1
Asking For Help
Chapter 3
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Revealing Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves
Chapter 4
From Low Maintenance Kinds Of Guys to end of chapter
Chapter 7
Patterns Of Enmeshment And Avoidance Prevent Nice Guys From Getting
The Love They Want
Chapter 9
Trying To Do Everything Themselves Prevents Nice Guys From Getting
The Life They Want
Staying Stuck In Dysfunctional But Familiar Systems Prevents Nice Guys
From Getting the Life They Want
Learning To Ask For Help Allows Nice Guys To Get The Life They Want
Lecture
A Balancing Act
Nice guys have two powerful patterns that get in the way of their ability to
live up to their full potential. The first is that their most natural tendency is to
"go it alone." The second is that they frequently get entangled in dependent
relationships and systems (family, work, organizations, etc.). Both of these
tendencies make life much more difficult than it has to be. Since life is
chaotic and challenging enough as it is, reversing these two tendencies can
go a long way toward making the journey less difficult.
Even though it may sound like a contradiction to say that Nice Guys tend to
both go it alone and get enmeshed in dependent systems, the two patterns
actually go hand in hand. Without knowing it, you have probably spent most
of your life trying to find a delicate balance between being there for the
people who "need" you and finding some kind of escape from the demands
of these people. This is why you tend to isolate yourself whenever you can.
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As a young boy or girl, you needed big people to pay attention to you and
make sure your needs got met. For most Nice Guys, the opposite was
often true. It is a frightening reality for a child to realize that his or her
parents can't adequately meet their needs. To avoid feeling the fear of this
reality, a child in this situation will often try to "help out" their parents by
being "good," or try to minimize their own needs so as to not further
overwhelm their parents.
As a child, you may have looked at the busy or needy people around you
and thought, "If I don't put too many demands on these people or if I do
what I can to make sure their lives are easier, then maybe my life will stay
smooth and some of my needs might get met."
This would have felt intensely overwhelming to you as a small child. In
order to be there to "help out" your parents and not feel constantly
overwhelmed by these demands, you had to learn to alternate between
making sure you were there when the big people needed you, and isolating
yourself enough so you did not feel overwhelmed. This balancing act most
likely manifested in some of the following ways:
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• You learned not to depend on other people to help you get what you
needed.
• You tried not to be a burden to others, especially to a parent or parents
who already seemed overburdened themselves.
• You sacrificed your wants and needs in order to be available to people
who might need you.
• You developed covert contracts in which you gave to others with the
hope that they would in turn give back to you.
Why the People Who Love You the Most Donʼt Want You to Succeed
As stated before, Nice Guys tend to be good at looking good but not great
at being great. There are many reasons for this, but a primary one is that
your family may have had an investment in your being this way. If it
seemed like you were doing okay, the needy, dependent, addicted, busy, or
insecure people around you didn't have to pay too much attention to your
needs. They might even have fed off of your moderate success and glory.
But if you became too successful or independent—moved too far out of
their reach—they might have become fearful that you would no longer be
available to take care of or support them.
Many dependent families create an invisible tether that keeps their children
connected to them. You probably aren't conscious of this tether because it
also serves a purpose for you: As long as you are tied to needy and
dependent systems, you get to keep feeling safe. You don't ever live up
to your potential, but you also don't have to face your fears and venture off
into the maze of life.
You've probably repeated this same pattern in your personal and work
relationships. You've found other needy and dependent people to whom
you can hook your tether, and you've continued to live by the cardinal rule
of dependent relationships: "Don't ever leave."
Miles is a good example of how this tether works. At 28, he was living at
home and working as a barista at a coffee house. He had been trained to
stay close enough to Mom and Dad to make sure they never have to be
alone with each other. When his older brother went to visit a friend halfway
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across the country and decided to stay, his mother came close to an
emotional breakdown.
When Mileʼs car broke down, his father bought him a late model sports car
that he couldn't afford to pay for on his own, which kept him further
dependent on his parents. When I asked Miles what he thought would
happen if he moved away like his brother had, he shuddered. "I could
never do that. My mother wouldn't be able to handle it and she would drive
my father crazy."
I asked Miles what he wanted to do in life. He replied that he had no idea. I
asked him about his love life. He said he had a girlfriend who liked that he
was stable. When I suggested that sometime in the next week he do
something out of the ordinary, he responded that it would "freak his
girlfriend out."
Because of the tether that kept Miles attached to his family and his
girlfriend, he would never do anything that might upset or disrupt the lives
of these people. The personal price Miles paid for staying tethered to his
dependent relationships was huge, but it also allowed him to play it safe
and avoid venturing out into the maze of life.
If Miles ever started to pursue his own interests and live up to his potential,
he would get plenty of "change back" messages (sometimes subtle,
sometimes not so subtle) from the people around him, and he would feel
like he was doing something "wrong" or "bad."
Building Support Systems That Facilitate Change
In order to realize your full potential, you are going to have to create a
"good" family. Full Achievers don't try to go it alone, nor do they get
entangled by taking care of needy or dependent people.
Since many of the people in your life will become frightened when you start
living up to your full potential (some of them will adjust, others will leave,
some will pull out the big guns and fight you all the way), you are going to
have to develop a support system of people who can help you on your
journey to becoming a Full Achiever.
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We encourage you to start thinking of putting together a Full Achiever
Master Mind support group. You could form a formal group, made up of
colleagues or other people you know who want to live up to their full
potential, which meets regularly and has a clear purpose. Your Full
Achiever Master Mind support group could also be much less formal,
consisting of a loose knit group of people who turn to each other for support
and encouragement. We'll talk more in a little bit about putting your group
together, but let's first look at some of the components you'll need in this
group.
What You Need from Your Full Achiever Master Mind Group
• You need your group to help you learn all the things your family never
taught you about being successful.
• You need your group to support and encourage you as you make
changes and try things that are new, frightening, or foreign.
• You need people who are already doing this in their own lives to serve
as mentors and role models.
• You need help seeing your blind spots and weaknesses.
• You need people to whom you can reveal your mistakes, flaws, and
insecurities.
• You need companions to travel with you through the maze so you don't
have to do it alone.
• You need people who are generous and good at giving so you can
practice receiving.
What Your Group Members Will Be Like
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Your Full Achiever Master Mind group will consist of three kinds of people:
Teachers, Companions, and Helpers. These people will serve as coaches,
cheerleaders, role models, technical advisors, strategists, and nurturers.
• Teachers are people who are successful in their own right. They are the
people to whom you will reveal yourself and from whom you will seek
direction.
• Companions are friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or other
recovering Nice Guys; people like you who want to actualize their full
potential.
• Helpers are professionals and lay people who have special skills and
talents. Their job is to provide the specialized support you need to live
up to your full potential.
All of the members of your support group should be nonjudgmental and
supportive. They should be happy, generous, positive, and grateful. Most of
all, they should want to see you succeed and become all that you can be.
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Putting Together Your Full Achiever Master Mind Group
There is no right way to build a Full Achiever Master Mind support group.
The group will typically start out small, with yourself and one trusted
person, and will grow as you do. To help you get started, we suggest that
you make three columns on a piece of paper and label the columns
"Teachers," "Companions," and "Helpers."
Teachers
The first people in your group will most likely be Teachers. A good place to
start is with a therapist, pastor, rabbi, or good friend. Most importantly, you
need men and women who are in the process of living up to their own
potential. Since a Teacher can only take you where he or she has been,
you will need people who have traveled further into the maze than you.
Because family members often have an unconscious investment in your
staying the same, it is probably best to look for teachers outside your
family.
List as many people as you can think of whom you can contact about
becoming a Teacher in your Full Achiever Group. List them under the
"Teachers" column on your piece of paper. It is important that you actually
write the names of these people down. Even if you can only come up with
one or two people right now, that's okay. Ask yourself this important
question: "Do I believe this person wants to help me live up to my full
potential, or do they have an investment in holding me back?"
Companions
Companions will be your fellow travelers through the maze. These can be
friends, coworkers, and people you bump into as you proceed on your
journey. Members of this class will make good traveling companions, as
they are already headed in the same direction as you.
Twelve step groups, support groups, and personal growth workshops and
seminars are other good places to meet companions. Under "Companions"
on your sheet of paper, list the names of people you already know who
might be interested in being a Companion in your Full Achiever group.
When you add them to your group, you are in essence also joining their
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Full Achiever group. As you explore the maze, you will meet more people
who will want to join your group.
Helpers
The next step in putting your group together is to make a list of all of the
Helpers you presently have in your life. This list can include friends, family,
coworkers, and professionals (doctors, accountants, therapists, etc.). Next
to the name of each person, write down a few of the ways this person
supports you on your journey through the maze. Also make a note of how
long it has been since you last had contact with this person. Beneath this
list, jot down some of the helpers you still need in your life, and make note
of some potential people who might help you fill these voids. It's okay if you
can't think of specific people right away. Just being conscious that you have
these needs will make you more aware when these people come along.
One way to find new helpers is to ask other people who their helpers are.
Once you have made your list of Teachers, Companions, and Helpers,
keep it where you can see it. This will remind you to use it and will help you
will think of more people to add as time goes by.
The next step is to reach out to at least one person on your list and begin
your process. The first time is the hardest; believe it or not, the more you
reach out to people and ask them to help you, the easier it gets. You might
be amazed by how much people actually want to help. Before you contact
the first person on your list, spend a day or so repeating the following
mantra: "People want to help me." In a short time, you will find out how true
this really is.
What to Do in Your Full Achiever Master Mind Group
Following are a few suggestions for putting your group together and using it
fully to help you on your journey to becoming a Full Achiever.
• Choose a regular time to meet or talk. Don't let anything get in the way
of your meetings. If the person doesn't live near you, set up a regular
time to connect via phone or email.
• Have an agenda. Be clear about how you want a particular person or
group of people to help you.
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• Ask your group to make your success a major priority for them. Tell them
you need them to be honest, direct, and supportive.
• Regularly "ping" the members of your group. Keep a phone or email list
handy and leave a phone message or send an email to at least one
member of your group each day.
• On a regular basis, sit down with the members of your group and
evaluate your goals and strategies. Ask for feedback on how they think
you are doing in living up to your full potential. Set new goals and create
new strategies.
• Become involved as a member of other people's Full Achiever groups.
Success breeds success. Helping others live up their full potential is a
powerful way to help you do the same.
Skills to Practice With Your Full Achiever Group
• Revealing yourself
• Letting people help you
• Delegating
• Confronting
• Setting boundaries
• Asking for what you want
• Being clear and direct
• Sharing your feelings
• Facing your fears
• Coming out of isolation
• Setting goals
• Detaching
• Receiving
• Self-care
• Dreaming
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
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Wrapping Up
As this series of lessons draws to a close, I want to commend you for the
work and commitment you put into the class. This is challenging material
that confronts many deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors. No matter how
many lessons you completed or how many posts you made, the work has
just begun.
During the class, Iʼve written many times, “Success = Effort,” and “Success
= consistency over time.” This course has been all about replacing old
habits with new habits. As you continue to work on establishing your new
habits, continue to review the course workbook and the online posts. Be
sure and utilize the support systems you have been building.
You are well on your way to being a Full Achiever. The fun has just begun!
Homework
1. In general, how are you at asking for and receiving help from others?
Give a recent example in which you made a project more difficult than it
should have been because of you did not ask for or receive help from
others. How might have you done this different by asking for help or
delegating responsibility?
2. Share an example of how taking care of needy or dependent people has
negatively affected your work or career.
3. Asking people for help and letting people help you is essential to
becoming a Full Achiever for several reasons.
• First, no one succeeds on their own; even the most talented and
capable people need help to live up to their full potential.
• Second, as you may have learned to try not to be a burden to others
since you were a child, you have to work at reversing this pattern.
People want to help you succeed and you have to learn to let them.
• Third, asking people to help you is a powerful way to build your selfesteem.
Every time you ask someone for help and they respond
positively, it reinforces a message that you are valuable. The more
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valuable you feel, the more you will believe you deserve to be
successful.
Every day for the next seven days, you are encouraged to ask someone to
do something for you that you can do for yourself. This can include asking
a spouse to make your lunch, asking a friend to pick you up for work,
asking a coworker to do a task for you, or asking someone to take you to
the airport.
• How did it feel to ask for help? How did it feel to let people do things for
you? Did asking for help become easier the more times you did it?
• What kinds of things did you ask people to do for you? How did they
respond to your requests?
• What effect do you think it would have on your life if you continued this
exercise for the rest of your life?
4. Start working on a Full Achiever Master Mind Support Group. List three
you people you plan to ask to be a part of your group. What is your “next
action required” to move this forward? What are some ways you can use
the members of this class as part of your Full Achiever support group after
the class ends? It is OK to start small with one person and build from there.
Nice Guys Donʼt Finish Last,
They Rot in Middle Management
(c) 2005 - 2012, Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
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