Uncouth - Part 3

>Day 717 in Equestria
>You wake up reluctantly.
>Despite getting a shitty amount of sleep, you managed to get up at a good time.
>You’ll pat yourself on the back later.
>You sit up on the bed, stretch your less-sore-than-yesterday-but-still-sore muscles, and crack a few joints.
>You slowly get off the bed. Memories of last night return and you fear what lies beyond the door to your room.
>Traps? Cyan sex rockets? Magma Marehoods?
>What a horrible morning to have a sex-crazed Pegasus gunnin’ for your dick.
>… Fuck, Anon. What are you doing? She just got a little aroused from a wing massage. Just chill.
>You tiptoe your way to the door, trying to make as little noise as possible.
>You recognize a steady rhythm of breathing on the other side of the door as you get close.
>Yep, she’s still here.
>You crack open the door to get a good look at what you’re dealing with.
>Suspicions confirmed. You’re dealing with an adorable, rainbow maned, sleeping Pegasus.
>Any fear about Estrus Dash faded away for the moment.
>Man, you just want to rub the SHIT out of that belly.
>But, you resist. This is your bro, after all.
>You can’t stop yourself from kneeling down and giving her a little scratch behind the ear, though.
>She cooed quietly in response and rolled over onto her back.
>Dear lord she is in the perfect position for a belly rub.
>This isn’t fair.
>Bro gods, please forgive Anonymous for his transgressions.
>You slowly reach your shaking hand towards the cyan belly.

>To have it deflected towards Rainbow Dash’s crotch by a cyan hoof.
>You stop yourself with about a foot to spare.
“Oh, you’re awake.”
>”Wasn’t until you tried to-“
“Shush, we shall never speak of this.”
>”Ugh, cool.”
>She flops her head back in exhaustion.
>”Just… get me something to drink. I feel terrible.”
>You rise off your knee.
“Coffee?”
>”Coffee.”
“Cool.”
>You step over Rainbow Dash and start brewing some coffee.
>While the coffee maker does its coffee making thing, you change out of your wicked PJs and into some throw away clothes.
>It now occurs to you just how peeved Rarity must be if she’s having you dirty up the clothes she made for you when she put so much effort into making them.
>Man, you’re a dick.
>Wait, it wasn’t entirely your fault.
>Rainbow Dash had a big hand in all of this.
>So what did Rarity make her do?
>Maybe Rarity told Rainbow Dash to help you with the painting but she just didn’t want to do it.
>Maybe you’re jumping the gun and it would be better if you just asked Rainbow Dash.
>Good thinking. That isn’t normal, this early in the morning.
>You pour two cups of coffee and take a seat in your living room, Rainbow Dash soon follows the scent.
>She plops right down next to you and reaches for her cup.
>And you hold it just out of reach.
“Nope!”
>”Dude, come on…”
“Tell me what you’re doing for Rarity.”
>”I’ll tell you if you give me the cup.”
>You hesitate. Rainbow is pretty honest…
“Fine.”

>You inch the cup towards her.
>Rainbow Dash and all her impatient glory leaps for the damn thing and nearly spills it.
“You gonna tell me?”
>She takes a quick sip before speaking.
>”Is this black? You know I don’t like it black.”
“Don’t change the subject. What are you doing for Rarity?”
>”A nun.”
“A nun?”
>”Yeah, a NUN of your business.”
“… Fuck.”
>God
>DAMN
>That was pretty good, you’re going to let that matter slide, for now.
“Fine. You wanna talk about last night?”
>She brings the cup back to her lips and keeps it there until the scalding hot coffee has all gone down her throat.
>This was not a topic she didn’t want to talk about.
>”I really don’t want to talk about it.”
>See?
“Will this happen again?”
>She opens her mouth to say something but closes it shortly afterwards.
>She twiddles with the empty cup a bit before saying anything.
>”Hey, I gotta go move clouds this morning. Supposed to get another snow storm today.”
”Yeah. Yeah I’d better get to work. Rarity’s… Whatever. Afternoon snow or evening?”
>”Afternoon.” She places the cup on the end table next to the couch and hops off the couch.
>She avoids your gaze as she trots towers the door.
>”I’ll catch up with you later, Anon.”
“Yeah. Later.”

>Shit
>Fuck
>Mornings are cold
>So fucking cold that you need to wear this really nice jacket that Rarity made you.
>It’s actually really weird because it has, like, a million gems on it.
>But, when Rarity sees you wearing it, she’ll be all, “Oh Mr. Anonymous! You wore my masterpiece and you obviously love it.”
>”Why, yes! I did wear it! And I must say, It’s pretty gosh darn fashionable while still functional!”
>”Anonymous, you don’t need to paint today! In fact, why don’t we drink tea and tenderly kiss and stuff!”
>”Rarity! I’m flattered but, I must decline such an advance! Perhaps in time…”
>”Oh, Anonymous… Swoooooooooon”
>Yeah. It will be exactly like that.
>You tuck those gross R-rated thoughts into the back of your head as Rarity’s Boutique comes into view.
>You may have only started painting the place but, it looks better already.
>Shinier paint or something.
>You lean into the door to open it, not wanting to remove your hands from your pockets, and look like an idiot when it doesn’t budge.
>Oh, right. It’s too early to be open.
>You recover from gracefully slumping up against the door and give it a couple knocks.
>You hear excited whispers and soft titters from somewhere inside before the front door opens to the Marshmallow Mare.
>Rarity looked like she’s giving herself a mini spa treatment.
>Bath robe, towel in mane, green gunk on her face. All the lame girly stuff she does all the time.

“Mornin’, Miss Rarity.”
>”Anonymous! I knew you would eventually learn to be punctual! Maybe it won’t be too difficult to teach you proper manners, hm?”
“What are you talking about? I have manners up the butt!”
>She musters a smile at your joke but gives nothing more. Butts are too cool for ladies like her, anyway.
>”Would you like to come inside? It must be awfully chilly outside.”
“Ohhh,” You shiver, “Yes, please.”
>You take one springy step over the threshold as Rarity closes the door behind you.
>The temperature difference quickly envelops you in pure near-coital bliss.
>You take a deep sigh of relief as your body unwinds.
>”Comfortable?”
>You now realize you look like you just had an orgasm.
“Er, yeah! It’s nice n’ warm in here.”
>”I try to keep a comfortable environment for both customers and myself, alike.”
>Rarity was very proud of her masterful temperature control.
>”You may quickly become uncomfortable in that…”
>She notices your gem-encrusted jacket.
>“Ghastly thing. The coat stand is by the door if you’d like to remove it.”
>Fuck, that was not the reaction you hoped for.
“I thought you liked this.”
>”I made it when I was young and dense.”
“You made this a year ago.”
>”Precisely!”
>She’s on two hooves, waving her forelegs into the air.
>You step back at the sudden outburst.
>”Ahem…”
>She gets back on 4 hooves.
>”My apologies. Erm… I must finish getting ready for the upcoming day. Could you be a dear a put the kettle on?”
“Yeah, sure. I gotta talk to you about the painting thing when you’re done.”
>”Of course. I’ll be done soon enough.”

>Rarity needs a coffee maker.
>Tea is for hipsters and nerds.
>Whatever. Boil water, wait, teabag that shit up.
>Rarity enters the kitchen as you plop the two bags into the kettle.
>Jesus Christ, those are some BIG hair curlers.
“Tea isn’t quite ready, give it a minute or two.”
>”Very well, would you like some breakfast, Anonymous?”
“Ooh, yes please. Would you happen to have eggs and toast?”
>Rarity scoffs at your excellent taste in breakfast dishes.
>”Eggs? Terrible for your heart! Nononono, I will make you something much better!”
“Sounds good, is there anything I can do to help?”
>”You already made the tea, you may sit down and relax.”
>Rarity can be so cruel!
>You take a seat in the dainty little chair by the table.
“You know, I thought I’d be doing more work today. If I knew showing up on time meant free meals and pleasant company, I’d be here every morning.”
>Rarity lightly chuckles as she levitates bowls, pans, and ingredients onto the kitchen counter.
>”It’s not that, it’s just… Tsk, I feel horrible about how I treated you over the last two days. I was so blinded by rage that I treated you like a dog when you’re more than that.”
>You take a peek at some of the things she has on the counter. Soy Milk? Silk Tofu? Bread? Pig disgusting.
“Dog, huh?”
>”Do you know of the Diamond Dogs, Anonymous?”

>”They’re nothing more than barbaric monsters, driven insane by their adoration for gems.”
“Sounds like you have something in common.”
>She glares at you with an intense hatred.
“Whoa, joking.”
>”It is not a joking matter, Anonymous. They kidnapped me a few years ago and forced me to work as a slave. They were dumb and easy to manipulate, though. It took me less than a day to get out of their caves.”
>She starts violently mixing the stupid gross ingredients in a bowl.
>”But, they’ve made my job so much harder since then. Spike is too afraid to help me gather, they constantly steal my gems, and they’ve even attacked me on a couple occasions!”
“Uh-huh… And what does that have to do with me?”
>”Nothing! That’s just it, I’ve been associating you with a creature you bear no resemblance to! Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, and Aged Dragons, all of them bi-pedal monstrosities. ”
>Bi-pedal, now you understand the connection.
>“You humans are so different! No claws, fangs, horns, or grossly disproportioned body parts. Your race is so…”
>She dips a large piece of bread into the batter and drops it on the heated pan.
>”Regal.”

>Rarity continued to describe how awesome Humans were to when compared to other Bipeds as she finished up a large batch of…
>French toast? Sort of…
>She levitates it to the table.
>The scent engulfs your senses, it was pure bliss all over again.
>You’re not going to make an O-face again, though.
>”And you don’t slouch like a Dog. Your posture makes you look truly important.”
“Rarity, I get it. So, what, dig in?”
>”Er, yes. My apologies.”
“No worries, everyone needs to rant every once in a while. It’s not good to keep that shit in, you know.”
>Rarity softly clears her throat.
“Right, no cursing. Sorry.”
>”Just try not to throw away all of my praise in one moment from now on, will you?”
“Oh come on, I only said one-“
>”Anonymous, I’m joking.”
>Ooooooh, she got you.
>”I will have to ask you to refrain from swearing, however. It is rather…”
“Uncouth?”
>You say mockingly.
>Rarity levitates a few slices of the kinda-french-toast and drops it onto your plate, splattering a little syrup on your shirt.
>”… Yes.”
“Sorry, it comes with hanging around Rainbow Dash so much.”
>”Mmm, yes. Rainbow Dash…”
>You wait a few seconds for her to follow up on the comment but she just stares out the window with a blank expression.

>You’re not going to wait around for some Marshmallow to finish her sentence, you have a plate of food in front of you.
>You grab a fork and knife and take a bite.
>Why do ponies even use these things?
>Oh…
>OH
>THIS IS FUCKING DELECIOUS!
“Rarity, what is this?!”
>”Hm?” Her attention was elsewhere.
>”Ah, it’s a family recipe. My mother made it all the time when I was a little filly. Are you enjoying it?”
“Yeah! What’s it called?”
>”Uh. Erm…” Rarity’s cheeks began to turn pink. “My mother called it… Yum-Yum bread.”
>If it weren’t so damn good, you would have spit your food out.
>”Oh… Hush!”
“S-sorry… I just wasn’t ready for that.”
>”Well just…!”
>She lets out a defeated sigh.
>”Go back to painting.”
“Can’t, snow storm today.”
>You take a triumphant bite of ‘Yum-Yum Bread’.
>”Very well, I’ll just find something else for you to do.”
>f
>UCK

>Rarity forced you to work the counter today.
>And you are…
>Bored.
>Very bored.
>So bored, you can’t even retreat into daydream land to cure the boredom.
>It’s nearly fatal, how boring everything is.
>Maybe if you look out the window, you’ll be less bored.
>Snow? Boring.
>Customers?
>Whoops! There are none!
>Not a single pony barged through the front door, guns blazing, action rolled to the front desk and rudely asked with a cigarette in his mouth, “Do you have any spare scarves to sell?”
>No emergency scarf runs.
>No urgently required boots.
>Nothing.
>You know what sounds like fun? Painting in the snow.
>Or annoying Rarity.
>The latter sounds more fun.
>You abandon your post and go to open the workshop door,
>When you notice something off.
>Like, literally off.
>The sewing machine is off.
>You press your ear against the door.
>What is that… ?
>Is she… ?
>No way.
>You crack the door open enough to get a good look.
>She is! She fell asleep! She’s resting her head on the sewing table.
>Total party foul.
>If you move her hair a little and turn the machine back on…
>No, too mean. Let’s do something less evil.
>Oh! You’ve got it!
>You tiptoe into the workshop.
>You carefully open every drawer you can your hands on.
>Fabrics, needles, threads…
>Come on!
>Rarity HAS to have a marker somewhere.
>You find a piece of charcoal. It’s a lot easier to wash out but it’ll get the job done.
>Wait.
>Didn’t something bad happen the last time you drew a bunch of dicks and butts on something of Rarity’s?
>…
>Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?

>”… Anonymous?”
“Aah!”
>You throw the charcoal away and quickly turn to Rarity with your best innocent smile.
>She looks at you with a half-suspicious, half-asleep look in her eyes behind those big, crooked, red glasses.
>”What’re you doing?”
“I… I didn’t hear the sewing machine going and I came in to see what was going on. Yeah, heh.”
>”… What are you really doing?”
“Ummm. I need to go!”
>She glares at you before turning to the wall mounted clock.
>”Yes, I do suppose now would be a good time for an afternoon meal. Would you like me to cook something?”
“Nah, I have plans.”
>No you don’t.
>”Mmm, yes that’s right…”
>She scrunches her face and looks at her hooves as she taps them on the worktable.
>You’re just about to exit the room when Rarity’s voice stops you.
>”Erm, Anonymous!”
>You turn back to Rarity to see she is wearing a cute, but nervous smile.
>”Would you… mind if I joined you?”
“Excuse me?”
>”It’s just… Rather unsavory to be eating alone, don’t you think?”
>You open your mouth to respond but she cuts you off.
>”I-I-I mean if you’re not having a meal with s0mepony else. I didn’t mean to imply that you wouldn’t have s0mepony to spend your afternoon with a-and I apologize for that, but if you’re interested then perhaps we could go to the new café in town. I’ve been dying to go there myself and… Um, I’m sorry, I must be rambling.”
>Well.
>That was interesting.

>Rarity was nervously laughing to herself as you soaked in the words that stumbled out of her mouth.
>That was… Really, really weird. Normally, Rarity is confident while speaking to you.
>Or stern.
>Or angry…
>Nevermind. The point is, she’s not usually nervous around you.
>I mean, look at her! She’s sweating like crazy!
>Sorry, babe. The Anonymous doesn’t hang out with weirdoes.
“Eeehhhh, I’ve got a grilled cheese ‘wich at home callin’ my na-“
>”I’d be more than happy to pay.”
“Grab your coat.”
>Free meal. Hell yeah
>But with Rarity? She’ll just talk about fashion and stallions and… stickers. Dumb girly stuff.
>To keep the few bits you have in your pocket, it’s worth it.
>Rarity claps her hooves together excitedly and elegantly slides off her seat.
>”Give me just one moment to prepare an outfit, dear.”
>Oh no.
>OH NO!
>She levitates a light blue scarf around her neck.
>”Mmmm, there we are. How do I look?”
>She turns to you and does a duck face.
>You give her two thumbs up.
>You don’t even care if it looks good. If you give any sign that it doesn’t look phenomenal, she may throw a fit.
>She looks confused.
>Oh, right. Ponies. No thumbs.
”Looks good!”
>She adopts a pouty look.
>”Good or great?”
>Uhhh…
>Rarity softly chuckles.
>”I’m only joking, darling. I know how impatient you are.”
>You’d argue that point if it weren’t true.

>You and Rarity exit the boutique, but not after she dons a saddle with an umbrella attachment.
>Functional, yes. Stylish…? Sorry, Rarity, but purple with gold trim? It can work but not with your white coat. And the light blue scarf? GAG!
>…
>You delete that train of thought from your memory.
>Rarity clearly looks perturbed with her color choice. LOOKSFINETOYOUHAHAHA.
>She then looks to you. Well, your jacket, rather.
>Even with your lack of fashion sense, you know how bad this looks.
>Rarity takes a deep breath, as if sucking in and suppressing her perfectionist nature, and puts on a smile.
>”Shall we go, then?”
“Let’s do it.”
>Rarity takes one step into the snow before letting out an exasperated sigh.
>”One of us is going to clear this out once we return.”
>You wonder who it’ll be.
>Rarity continues to lead the way, occasionally spouting off some sort of complaint about the weather.
>”I mean really, wouldn’t it make sense if the snow was planned for nights only. We’d be able to get it all shoveled off our porches by sunrise and we wouldn’t have to worry about it until the following morning.”
>”I dunno, Dash said something about it being too complicated. She hardly even understands it.”
>She lightly titters.
>”Rainbow Dash isn’t the brightest one, is she? Ah, but she is good friend with a strong heart.”
>You nod in response.
>Rarity slows her pace to meet your own.
>”Erm, Anonymous? What do you think of Rainbow Dash?”

“What do you mean?”
>”I’m just curious about where the two of you stand.”
“Oh, umm… She’ cool.”
>”… That’s it?”
“She’s funny too.”
>”Nothing else?”
“Shit, Rarity. I don’t know what else you want me to say. She’s my best friend.”
>She ignores your foul language and gives you a wide smile.
>”I suppose that’ll do.”
>Rarity remains quiet for the rest of the walk.
>Soon enough, the two of you come upon the café. It’s a small place with only a few tables outside and inside. Due to the snow, the place is dead.
“Looks like we’re gonna get good seats.”
>Rarity lets out another small chuckle at your bad joke.
>You push open the door and quickly slide inside.
>Rarity enters a moment later, looking mildly upset.
>”I swear, you have no manners.”
“What? Did I do something?”
>She sticks her nose in the air and trots pass you towards the oncoming waitress.
>”G’Afternoon. Kin ah help the two o’ ya?”
>”A table for two, please.”
>”Yes, ma’am. Right over here.”
>She leads the two of you to the table closest to the window. You take a seat while Rarity glares at you, then takes her own seat moment later.
>These chairs seem a little larger than most which is nice. They’re not perfect but it’s a nice change from the norm.
>The waitress sets two menus on the table before retreating back into the kitchen.
>As you pick up a menu, a few Pegasi land in front of the café, all shaking snow off their coats and manes before entering the building.
>A few look familiar, most notably Rainbow Dash.

>You lower your head and bring your voice down to a whisper.
“Shit, hide me!”
>Rarity levitates her menu and lightly slaps your head with it.
>”I told you about your language. Additionally… how? And why?”
“Long story, just hide me?”
>”I still don’t know how.”
>The atmosphere of the café took a full 180 once the Pegasi got settled in. They’re a loud bunch.
>They somehow have yet to notice the large bipedal monster on the other side of the café.
>One seemed to notice Rarity once he took a seat, though. A black stallion with a Mohawk for a mane. What a shitty sense of style.
>”Daaaaayummmn, look at that flank.”
>He made no effort to be quiet.
>And he can’t even see Rarity’s flank from that angle. What an ass.
>Was that a pun? Maybe.
>Some of the Stallion’s friends urge him to come over here. This is when Rainbow Dash finally notices you.
>Her reaction? You don’t know, this menu suddenly got really interesting!
>You hear the light trot of the stallion approach. Rarity audibly sighs as he gets near.
>”Hey there, sexy.”
>You crane your head over your menu.
“Sup?”
>The stallion stumbles, a little confused.
>”Uhh… I was talkin’ to… Nevermind, bug off, weirdo.”
>Rarity chuckles at his frustration.
>The stallion completely misinterprets it.
>”Oh, you like it when I make fun of that idiotic monkey, baby?”
>He leans in close giving Rarity a shitty grin.
>Rarity pushes him away.
>”My name is Rarity and my SPECIAL SOMEPONY’S name is Anonymous!”
>You attempt a spit take but you aren’t drinking anything.
 >”Whoa, you’re datin’ this bag of-“
“Fuck off, small timer. She doesn’t want anything to do with your big ego and small dick.”
>A small blush grew on Rarity’s face.
>”Dude, you’re… dumb.”
>You snort and return to your menu, acting completely unthreatened by him.
>He lets out a groan of annoyance and returns to his table. Rainbow Dash immediately being interrogating him.
>”That was very… brash.”
“Hey, you involved me first. Besides, he was being a douche.”
>”A what now?”
“Jerk.”
>”Yes, he was, wasn’t he? And I’m sorry for… It was an irrational decision.”
“Eh, it’s cool.”
>A pony’s voice screams from the other side of the café.
>”WHAT?!”
>The waitress FINALLY approaches your table, only to be pushed aside by Rainbow Dash and that stallion from before.
>”Hey Rarity!”
>”Hello, Rainbo-“
>”Hey Anon! So you two datin’ now? That’s cool. This is my stallion, his name’s Thunderlane. He’s so awesome.”
>”Erm… I’m happy for the two of you, Rainbow Dash.”
“Neat.”
>”He’s great in bed!”
>The awkward level shot up from 10 to 20.
>Thunderlane was even feeling it.
“Cool.”
>Rainbow Dash was losing her composure.
>”I mean… We could totally hang out tonight. Thunderlane is cool, I guess, but he’s not as awesome as you.”
“… In bed?”
>”What!?” Breech in the hull. “No! I never bucked this dude! He sucks! And you… and I never… Augh!”
>She slams her head against the table.
>Seriously, fuck estrus. It totally messes with your bro’s mind.

>Rarity finally speaks up.
>”Rainbow Dash… is there something wrong?”
>Of course there is, there’s just no polite way to say it.
>Rainbow Dash sighs.
>”Thunderlane, please go.”
>”Err… Yeah. You got it…”
>Thunderlane shuffles off to his table for the second time.
>The waitress also disappears, anticipating a drama bomb at any point.
>”So, Rainbow Dash, have you gotten started on what I asked you to do?”
>Rainbow Dash ignores Rarity and brings her head back up, her eyes gazing into yours.
>You hide behind the menu once again.
>You should have just gone home and eaten a grilled cheese.
>”You two aren’t really together, are you?”
>Rarity sighs.
>”No, I simply made a poor choice in words once your… friend confronted me. I assume he really isn’t your special somepony, as well.”
>Rainbow Dash slaps herself on the forehead.
>”I can’t believe I did that. Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
>”Well then why did you do it?”
>Rainbow Dash stares at your through the menu. You can’t see her, but you know. You just do, man.
>She then shuffles close to Rarity and begins to rapidly whisper into her ear.
>Rarity occasionally lets out a gasp or an, “oh my!” before letting out a loud, “WHAT?!”
>Rarity stares at Rainbow Dash in horror.
>”I-I’m sorry.” Rainbow Dash puts her face into her hooves. “I’m so sorry.”
>Rarity pushes herself out of her seat and trots to your side.
>”Anonymous, it’s time to leave.”
“Wait, what?”
>You put the menu down.
“I want to talk this out.  Like… Do you have any advice?”
>”Yes, come with me.”
>You turn to Rainbow Dash.
“… Bro. Just, like, go fuck a stallion or something. Shit.”
>Rarity let out a low growl at your abhorrent language.
>Rainbow Dash flitters off her seat and quickly hides in the bathroom.

>You suddenly feel a tugging on the back of your shirt as your jacket is being flung over your shoulders.
>”Anonymous, I suggest we leave before things get out of hoof.”
>You let out a sharp exhale.
“Fine. Just… explain this bullshit to me when we get back to the boutique.”
>”Fair enough.”


>You are Rainbow Dash.
>And you watch as the only pony- PERSON that can ‘fix’ you waltzes out of the café with Rarity.
>He’s always been there for you. Why wouldn’t help you in your time of need?
>You just…
>Okay, he’s gone.
>You rest your head on a foreleg.
>This mess it getting out of hoof.
>You thought your best bro would happily help you with your problem. He gets to be a bro, and he gets laid. He needs to get laid so bad. SO BAD.
>You don’t get it.
>Your friends waving their hooves at you gets your attention.
>And Thunderlane is yucking it up like the ass he is.
>You slide off the seat and trot over the group.
>Thunderlane, Cloudkicker, Flitter, and Blossomforth. You met them all when you made the tornado a few years back and the five of you got along pretty well.
>Even though Thunderlane and Blossomforth are complete slackers.
>You take a seat next to Flitter as Thunderlane comes down from his fit.
>TL:”That… That was so bad!”
“Who? Me or you? Because it took you three whole days to actually talk to Rarity and you got turned down instantly!”
>TL:”So? At least I’m not literally BEGGING her to buck.”
>FL:”Yeah, that’s pretty lame, RD.”
“Hey! I’m just appealing to the bro inside him. He’ll eventually see how much I, hehe, ‘BURN’ for him.”
>TL: “It’s working well so far.” Thunderlane says sarcastically.
“Eh, I’ve got a backup plan.”
>You lean back in your chair and throw your hooves behind your head.
“If worse comes to worst, I’ll just tell him what’s up and split the pot with him.”
>TL: “BUCK THAT! TOTALLY UNFAIR!”

>CC: “I still can’t believe the two of you made a bet over who could bed somep0ny, first.”
>TL: “At least I’m trying with a pony…”
“Whoa, chill. Anon is cool.”
>BF: “Psh, he hangs out with Rarity all day. Doesn’t sound very cool to me.”
>CC: “Rarity is so pretty…”
>FL:”I knooooow!”
>Blossomforth gasps.
>BF: “Wait, do you think Anon and Rarity are… together?”
“No.”
>TL: “Dash and I would both be shit outta luck if that were the case.”
“That isn’t the case.”
>CC: “Oh~, they’d make such a cute couple! The beauty and the beast!”
“Stop.”
>This is becoming annoying.
>FL: “Yeah! I can see the two of them happening!”
“Seriously, stop.”
>BF: “I wonder what their foals would look like…”
“GUYS!”
>They all stop talking and look at you with wide eyes.
“… Look, Anon and Rarity and only hanging out because of a prank I played on Anon. It’s a long story, don’t ask. Just know that when the time comes, Anon won’t be around Rarity anymore. He thinks she’s stuck up and annoying.”
>CC: “Are you like, sure that’s what he thinks, or just what you think he thinks?”
>TL: “I’m shocked you actually said something that doesn’t involve gossip or hair gel.”
>Cloudchaser scoffs.
>CC: “Like you’re one to talk!”
>You tune your friends out as you internally debate this mess for the millionth time.
>All it boils down to is two things: Keeping Anon’s trust, or winning 100 bits.
>And you need a way to win both.

>You are Anonymous.
>The snow has piled on a bit since you left the Boutique. It comes up to about knee height now.
>You don’t envy the ponies right now.
>You do your part by dragging your feet through the snow, leaving two parallel lines in the snow.
>Rarity trails behind you INSISTING you don’t, because it is, in her words, “A crime against your pants leggings.”
“Fine, let’s see you get around without the trail.”
>”I am more than,” She leaps beside you into the depths of the snow, “Capable of getting around,” Another leap, “Myself, Anonymous.”
“Uh-huh.”
>You slow down to match her hopping pace.
>Which is excruciatingly slow.
>”This isn’t the first winter I’ve gone through.” She takes another leap.
>”Nor will it be the l-BWUAH!”
>Her hind hooves slip out from under her as she takes another leap. She promptly lands on her face afterwards.
>She tries to push herself up, but to no avail.
>You hear the muffled complaints and curses as her rump sticks out of the snow.
>The sight of her helplessly wiggling her legs as she screams for help is hilarious.
>But, hey, you’re a nice guy. You grab Rarity by the loins and yank her out of the snow.
“Sup,butt?”
>She sighs in relief.
>”Thank you, Anonymous.”
>You stand there for a moment, smiling at her upside-down face.
>”Anonymous.”
“Mmhmm?”
>”Please put me down.”
“Mmmmm…”
>You gently flip her over and attempt to cradle her in your arms, like a big ol’ dog.
>”Aaaaah! What are you doing?”
“Speeding things along.”
>”Put me down! Put me down!”
“Why?”
>”Because this is…” She lowers her voice to a hoarse whisper, “Embarassing!”
“It is?”
>”Yes!”
“Good.”
>”W-What!”

>Rarity magically opens the boutique door as you approach it.
>You step through the threshold and Rarity immediately wiggles out of your arms.
“So you just gained the ability to do that, huh?”
>She ignores your question.
>”I CANNOT believe you just did that.”
“What’s the big deal, it’s not like anyone saw you.”
>”The mayor waved at us!”
“Oh yeah. Hah.”
>Rarity’s horn lights up as the scarf around her neck uncurls and floats onto a coat rack.
>Then a small chunk of aura forms on her withers to disappear a moment later.
>Rarity’s eyes widen.
>”My umbrella! Where…” She gasps, “The snow! It must have fallen off when I slipped!”
“Bummer.”
>She freeze for a second, then turns to you with glistening eyes.
>”Anonymoooooous~?”
“No.”
>”Pleeeease?”
“It’s so cold, and I’m wet.”
>”But it’s a Rarity original and-“
“The colors don’t work well with your coat.”
>”What?!”
“There, I said it. Purple and gold does not work with your white coat. The scarf made it look worse.”
>She is speechless.
“... I’ll do it if you make me a new jacket that isn’t awful.”
>”Absolutely.”
“Done, be back soon.”
>”Please be careful on the ice.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
>You slip back out the Boutique door and after slightly losing your footing on the ice you walk back into the harrowing blizzard.
>Okay maybe it’s only a heavy snow, but imagination is fun.
>Following the obvious trail you and Rarity made, you wade your way back towards the café. You weren’t far from it when Rarity slipped, so you’ve got a bit of a walk ahead of you.

>You wrap your jacket around you a little tighter as the chill begins to sink in.
>You’re not particularly fond of any weather ponies at the moment, but you appreciate the effort they put in. If it’s cold down here, it must be bone-chilling above those clouds.
>Speaking of weather ponies…
>The café just came into sight, you probably passed the umbrella a little bit ago.
>You sigh and spin on your heels.
>The clear sounds of Rainbow Dash and co. come from behind as you hear the door to the café open.
>You hope to disappear in the snowstorm before any of them notice you.
>A few wing flaps and motivational cheers later, you hear them fly off. Good, you don’t want to deal with Dash-
>Then the sound to wings return. Only one pair.
>Great.
>You sigh and wait for the rainbow maned mare to become visible.
>But then a black form descends from the snowy skies.
>That is not Rainbow Dash…
>It’s… Oh, it’s the mohawke’d asshole Dash was hanging out with. The one stallion whose such a loser, he hangs out with mares all day.
>He lands nearby, and darts his head around before approaching you.
“What do you want?”
>”Hey, I gotta tell you something.”
“I’m not interest-“
>”About Dash.”
“… Go on.”
>You hear another Pegasus approaching.
>”Shoot! Here, listen,” He leans in close. “Don’t. Trust. Dash.”
“Hm?”
>”Hey!”
>Argh, that voice of hers. A week ago you would have never thought you’d hate to hear it.
>”Oh uh, ‘sup, Dash?”
>Rainbow Dash plants her hooves in the snow, completely ignoring Thunderlane.
>”Anon do you mind if we speak alone?”
>”Hmph, guess that’s my que.”
“Actually, I do mind.”

>”What?” Dash says sharply.
>Thunderlane stops himself from taking off.
>You were getting tired of Dash’s shit, and after what Thunderlane said, you’re not ready to hear her out.
“This will be like, the tenth time you wanted to talk to me alone in the past few days, and they all end up being,”
>You attempt to do your best Dash impression.
“Bro, I’m so dudely horny but only totally for you, bro. Let’s have some sloppy makeouts or whatever OH BUT I’LL FEEL SO GUILTY TOO!”
>Thunderlane has the biggest shit-eating grin.
“Tell you what, trick yourself out to every stallion in Ponyville. If you still have this unrelenting lust for me, then I’ll fuck you.”
>Your words may as well have been a large bastard sword to her gut.
>”Anon, I-“
>You wave her off and turn the other way. You’re not looking for explanations or apologies. You just don’t want to deal with her.
>You walk in the direction you thought Rarity’s umbrella thing might be.
>You wish SO HARD that the matter could be dropped then and there.
>But you’re dealing with Rainbow Dash. That lies somewhere between ‘unlikely’ and ‘not happening’.
>She quickly flitters up next to you and matches your pace.
>”H-Hey! Dude… I’m… Like,” She begins babbling out incoherent apologies.
>Nope. As of now, you’re completely ignoring Dash.
>Hey look, it’s the hole that Rarity created when she fell in the snow.
>Hm, how’d you miss that before?

>The umbrella is mostly covered by the snow but you see just a small hint of purple poking out.
>You crouch down carefully on the slippery packed snow and reach your hand forward.
>Dash immediately dives into the snow five feet in front of you.
>You pull Rarity’s umbrella out and begin patting the snow off.
>Urk, ugly thing. You have no idea why Rarity would ever wear this thing.
>”Found it!”
>Rainbow Dash pops out of the snow with a little stick in her mouth.
>Cute. Oh my god it’s cute, but you’re a strong black woman who don’t need no mare.
>You give her a stoic expression before moving on.
>The snow is noticeably picking up. You use Rarity’s umbrella to keep some of it off your head.
>Dash latches onto your back a moment later with her head peaking over your shoulder.
>You glare at her.
>”… Heh, gotta stay under cover in such bad weather.”
“Yeah, weather. Don’t you have a job to get back to?”
>She whimpers as you shrug her off.
>And she still continues to follow.
>You give a frustrated grunt at her relentlessness.
>”What?”
“Nothing.”
>”Oh uh, cool. So-“
“Seriously, don’t you have a job?”
>She mutters something unintelligible and STILL continues to follow.
>Stubborn mare… Just like every other mare around.

>And there’s the Boutique. Home free!
>Dash is still flying beside you trying to figure out how to earn your forgiveness. It’s like she doesn’t get it.
>Maybe she doesn’t.
>You reach for the door to the Boutique but Dash finally becomes offensive and slaps your hand away.
>”No! Dude, you HAVE to tell me how to make this up to you!”
>Yeah, she doesn’t get it.
“I’m not mad at you Dash.”
>”What.” Her voice is flat.
“Yeah, I’m just annoyed and frustrated. I know you can’t control yourself. Estrus is estrus. Ninety percent of the stallion population will leave in about a month because of it.”
>Dash slowly floats to the ground and looks at you with regret.
>”B-But if we were to… you know, maybe it would go away!”
“Nice try, but this isn’t my first estrus in Equestria.”
>Dash lets out a low whimper.
“Two straight weeks of insatiable lust. Yeah. No.”
>”… So-“
“So we can forget everything happened after estrus is over.”
>”Wait, the entire season!?”
“Damn right! By the time you come down from this I’ll be boarded up in my house.”
>”So wait… Does that mean-“
“No bro time for about two months.”
>You don’t know it, but Dash’s world explodes at that moment.
>No bro time.
>No.
>Bro.
>Time.
>The color drains from her face.
>That apparently hit Dash a lot harder than you thought it would.

“Dash?”
>The Boutique door creaks open.
>”Welcome back A- Oh, you! Go, go! Leave immediately!”
>Rarity doesn’t wait for a response as she telekinetically lifts Dash and tosses her out into the snow.
“Rarity-“
>”You can never be too careful around a mare when she’s in her cycle. Now come, you must be dreadfully cold.”
>You look back at Dash.
>She isn’t pushing herself up.
>She’s just lying there.
“… Yeah.”
>You walk into the Boutique and close the door.
>Dash slowly rolls onto her back and lets out groan.
>”… I bucked up so hard.”
>”Yeah you did.” A smarmy voice calls from out of Dash’s sight.
>”Buck OFF, Thunderlane!”
==
“Okay, here.”
>You hand the awful looking saddle/umbrella abomination to Rarity.
>”Thank you SO much, Anonymous…” She clears her throat and looks away.
>”Now… You said you wanted to know about Rainbow Dash’s… Situation?”
>You let out a long, annoyed sigh.
“I already know way too much about it. I just want to forget about it, for now.”
>”Good… Very good, then” She nods to herself.
>”You know, Anonymous,” she takes the saddle with her telekinetic grip, “This looks quite smashing with the rest of the outfit.”
>You begin to remove you jacket.
“Cool. How long until I’m done for the day?”
>”Would you like to see it?”
“It?”
>”The outfit, er, dress… The one that goes with my saddle here.”
>Rarity wants to model for you?
>Boooooring.
>… Oh, her eyes are sparkling.
>And the huge smile of hers.
>Damnit all.
“Uh, yeah. Sounds nice.”
>Rarity giggles excitedly and quickly runs upstairs.
>You grunt in disgust. This is going to be so boring.
>Rarity comes down moments later toting SEVERAL outfits.
>”I thought it would be a good idea to get a second opinion on some new dresses while we were at it, darling.”
>Why.

>Rarity leads you into her workshop and disappears in her changing room will all her dresses.
>You take a seat on the little stand where she pieces clothes together and stuff, you don’t know.
>An assortment of sounds come from behind those doors. The rustling of clothes, the “ooh”s and “aah!”s of Rarity squeezing into clothes two sizes too small for her, (Women. Mares. Whatever.) and the eventual, “Ready~”.
>She walks out of the hinged doors wearing an extravagant royal purple dress with a gold trim.
>Oh yeah, the umbrella was obviously made for that dress.
>”What do you think? Fabulous, is it not? It’s one of my favorites.”
“It looks pretty good. The purple and gold combo is a tired combination but it’s common for a reason. It just looks plain good. The two colors do work a lot better when it’s not being drowned out by your white coat. The purity of white works well when-“
>”Anonymous?”
“I-… Uh, yeah. Looks good.”
>”… How did you know all that?”
“Well,” You shrug, “They’re just colors. There’s a common consensus on what colors work well together and what don’t.”
>”Mmm, but there’s more to it than that, isn’t there.”
“Maybe? I don’t know. It might have something to do with me coming from such a bland and colorless world, compared to yours. I guess I pick up on colors a little easier because of it.”
>Rarity smile begins to split her face in half.
>Not literally.
“Er… could we continue?”
>”Ooh~, yes!” She hurries back into the dressing room.
>”You’ll just LOVE this one, dear.”
>You rub your temples. This is not how you want to spend your afternoons…