Pizza Pie, something something, Amore. (Rgre) (silly)

Feb 19th, 2020
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  1. > Be Anon, walking home with a box of pizza under your arm
  2. > It was a long day of work at the store, but now you have the entire evening to relax
  3. > As you turn on to your home street, you spy a wooden table piled high with pizza boxes
  4. > Behind it is one of those aliens, colored like a Lisa Frank folder
  5. > As you approach, the alien catches sight of you and waves a hoof
  6. > You wave back, a little uneasy
  7. > The news is kinda contradictory about them
  8. > At first, CNN and the like praised them for having a matriarchal society, but once more mares came over and started talking Twitter erupted in feminist outrage about internalized misogyny, and the major networks soon followed
  9. > Meanwhile Fox ran daily segments on how the alien culture was infiltrating the polyamorous and academic communities
  10. > They said that herding is unsustainable for humans, as it is predicated upon unequal gender ratios
  11. > "Hi! Wanna find your true love?"
  12. > You blink, finding yourself just a few feet from the table
  13. > The alien mare is smiling up at you
  14. > You glance at the pizza boxes on the table
  15. "Is it you or something?"
  16. > She shakes her head
  17. > "Definitely or something, I already have a husband. No, I am here to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime! For the low cost of a slice of peetzer, I will divine just who you are meant for!"
  18. > ...
  19. > This is dumb
  20. > Aliens are dumb
  21. > Maybe she's trying to do some mail order bride thing?
  22. > Or just scamming passersby for pizza?
  23. > You know what, you can respect the hustle
  24. > It's only one slice, after all
  25. > You retrieve a slice pizza from your box and hand it to her
  26. > She opens one of the boxes and levitates your slice inside, a pale blue aura moving everything
  27. > It's kind of neat to see "magic" in person
  28. > The alien hums, swaying back and forth
  29. > Her eyes shine with that same pale blue light, and her wings extend and tremble
  30. > It reminds you of a bird's mating dance, but that can't be it, can it?
  31. > Abruptly, she stops glowing and moving
  32. > She starts making dial up noises, then printer noises
  33. > From thin air, two pieces of paper appear on the table
  34. > They seem to be some sort of registration form?
  35. > Name, occupation, hobbies, etc
  36. > On one, the picture is of a "Sarah McNair", a slightly pudgy but cute redhead in a hoodie
  37. > The other is of a mare named "Moondancer" with butter yellow fur, glasses, and a comfy looking sweater
  38. > Cute enough, you guess
  39. "So, are these from a dating website or something?"
  40. > The alien rolls her eyes
  41. > "Of course not. It's love magic, pure and simple."
  42. > You decide not to call her on the obvious lie
  43. > Looking back at the papers, you can't find any sort of contact information
  44. "So, what's the point of having these if there isn't any way for me to get in contact with them?"
  45. > The alien takes a crystal ball out of nowhere and thunks it down on the table
  46. > "Scrype calling costs an additional slice of pizza, but is guaranteed to cross dimensions and reach all parties at a time that is convenient to them!"
  47. > You look blankly at the mare
  48. > She grins, hooves waving mystically around the crystal ball
  49. > Fuck it
  50. > You give her another slice
  51. > The crystal ball begins to glow, and the alien makes beep and boop noises
  52. > Abruptly, the ball projects two windows into the air in front of you, one showing Sarah brushing her teeth, wearing pink pajamas, the other showing Moondancer brushing her mane
  53. > You honestly didn't expect it to work
  54. "Uh, hi?"
  55. > Sarah squeaks, dropping her toothbrush and spitting out the toothpaste
  56. > Moondancer's eyes go wide
  57. > "Is this Scrype matchmaking?"
  58. > You scratch your cheek
  59. "I guess?"
  60. > Moondancer starts hyperventilating
  61. > You raise your eyebrows
  62. "Uh, no pressure. Pretty sure this is a pizza scam or something."
  63. > Sarah wipes her mouth and tilts her head
  64. > "Pizza scam?"
  65. "Yeah, the alien that set this up is doing everything in exchange for pizza."
  66. > Moondancer gasps
  67. > "Princess Cadence! Thank you, your majesty!"
  68. > Sarah seems just as confused as you are
  69. > Meanwhile Princess Cadance(?) nods graciously
  70. > "You are quite welcome, my little pony."
  71. > Sarah clears her throat
  72. > "So, ah, what's going on here?"
  73. > You shrug
  74. "Ostensibly, we are all soulmates or something. I'm pretty sure this is just the pony equivalent to a dating site."
  75. > Sarah frowns
  76. > "But I didn't sign up for anything? I mean, I'm not objecting, you are pretty handsome, and oh gosh I should just stop talking."
  77. > She covers her face with her hands, but you can still see her blush around the edges
  78. > You grin
  79. "You're pretty cute too, so maybe they're on to something. What do you think, Moondancer?"
  80. > The mare swallows nervously
  81. > "My body is ready. I mean, uh, as Alpha mare, I will treasure you both, you and your long, hot foalchasing legs."
  82. > You blink at her
  83. "Foalchasing legs?"
  84. > Moondancer begins to blush
  85. > "Yes."
  86. > Cadance coughs
  87. > "If you would like to continue the call in private, I will be glad to sell you the scryping crystal for the rest of your pizza, Anon."
  88. > You glance at your pizza, then at the cute, easily flustered girl and pony
  89. "Half of my pizza."
  90. > Cadance makes a whining sound, then hangs her head in defeat
  91. > "Fine, half of your pizza."
  93. > As you walk away with your new crystal ball, you look over the papers
  94. "So, uh, how does an anime night sound? I need to catch up on this season."
  95. > Sarah grins
  96. > "I'm down for that."
  97. > Moondancer rubs her chin
  98. > "Can we start with interspecies reviewers? For some reason, I can't get that on the horsenet."
  99. > You shrug
  100. > "Fine by me, I haven't seen it."
  101. > Sarah blushes
  102. > "Should we watch the censored version or..."
  103. > You raise your eyebrows
  104. "Uh, whichever you are-"
  105. > "Uncensored! I mean, if you have it. And don't mind."
  106. > Moondancer grins nervously
  107. > Sarah turns nearly as red as her hair
  108. > "I do have the uncensored version, so, yeah. I guess we're doing this."
  109. > You had your doubts about that pizza pony, but maybe she was right
  110. > You will just have to find out
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