Matt and Pat in Equestria 9/10/13

>"So...uh...you're name's Twilight?  Sparkle?  Is that your first name or do you have more name?"
>"Matt, shut up, you're freaking out the horse-thing.  She told you her name which is a shitload more than you've got from a girl before.  Quit while you're ahead."
>"I quit last night after your mom gave me some head."
>The red headed thing started to make noises that stopped making sense.  You have no idea what these two things are, why they're so loud, and why they keep talking.
>You're not afraid of them...but you're definitely not comfortable.  You've learned that friendship comes in many shapes and many forms, but you wonder how anything resembling friendship can manifest between these two.
"So...what were your names again?
>The one with the black hat raised his hoof...arm...whatever.  "I can answer that question."
>"He's retarded -he can't answer anything don't listen to him."  The red one slapped his companion's arm.  "I'm Pat."
>"Everyone calls him that name the most.  On our planet it means 'butt-king overconquistador."
>"And on this planet it means 'Matt better shut the fuck up before I punch his skull until he doesn't have a skull."
>"I'm Matt."  He waves.
>"He is."  They cross their arms and stand side-by side.  Matt tries to balance on one leg but ends up falling over.
>"Ouch..crap."
>"I fucking...hate..."
"So what planet ARE you from?"
>"America," says Matt from the ground.
>"It's called Earth.  It's fucking awesome, we ride around in monster trucks fueled with sugar-free redbulls and covered in naked chicks."
>"The naked chicks are americans."
>"We're kind of a big deal back home."
>"Yeah, we're pretty hype."
>Matt stands up from the ground.
>"We sit around in my apartment all day and play video games.  Sometimes we get paid for it.  Sometimes Woolie comes over, but fuck Woolie."
>"Fuck Woolie."
>Woolie is frowning back on Earth.
"So you two...are actually friends?"
>You frown in intense disbelief. Pat speaks up, "Yup.  They don't call it 'Two Best Friends Play' for nothing."  Matt scratches himself.
>"Uh...do you dudes have games around here?  What's your tech level?  Is it like...french revolution where everything's covered in crap or is it some rad-ass greek roman stuff with wheels and arches 'n frescoes and shit?"
>"They're horses man, they don't care about the french.  No one cares about the french except for like...no, no one cares about the french."
>You needed to secure some kind of anchoring point in this madness.  You needed to introduce this two to Pinkie Pie and lock the door on the way out.

"I don't...THINK we have 'video' games.  But we do haves games!  I'm sure I can find somepony to teach you how to play them."  Pat looks at you and raises an eyebrow.
>"Did she just say 'somep0ny'?"
>"She totally just fucking said 'somep0ny.'"
"Is that bad?"
>"You really go whole-hog with this m&m froot-loops horse-world shit don't you?"
>"They're more like Lucky Charms."
>"Your mom lucked my charms."
>They start to hit each other.
>There is no way in any world these two are friends.  They stop hitting each other with no clear sign of a winner.  The black-hatted one speaks.
>"So yeah, we like games.  I can totally go for some board games.  Monopoly, Operation, Twister,"
>"Twister's not a fucking board game, it's a floor-and-carpet-game."
>"Mouse-trap..."
>"Aw Mouse-Trap's the SHIT!"
>"Do you have Mouse-Trap?"
>They look at you expectantly.
"Erm.  Let's -Why don't you follow me to a friends house.  She has lots of games."
>"Is she a horse too?"
"She's a p0ny.  We're ALL p0nies."
>You say that a little too tersely than necessary, but your patient is wearing see-through thin.
>They look a little disappointed but pop up excitedly in short order.
"Well that's cool too."
"Yeah, always up for...hanging with...talking...animals."
>Get them to Pinkie's.  You cannot and will not deal with this yourself.
>Celestia help you.

-

    >You couldn't believe these two have not shut up since you found them passed out in that field laying on top of each other.
    "This place has a lot of colors and hearts. Hey, you know what it reminds me of?"
    "Is it sitting at the back of the short bus?"
    "Shut up Pat."
    >Just get them to Pinkie's place. She knows how to deal with crazy things. You don't. You like books and organized, clean and tidy things.
    "Fuck, my DS is gonna run out of batteries. Uh. Do you guys have like...chargeable things? Like, you got any shit that shoots out lightning? Any rad science crap?"
    >"Erm...well, I do have a few generators in my basement.."
    "Ah, there we go. Matt's used to hanging out in people's basements."
    "Well that's where I normally find your mom."
    >They start yelling at each other.
    >You get to the corner. It's closed. Pinkie is out of town.
    >You scream. The red one raises an eyebrow.
    "Hey. You alright or something?"
    "Heheheh. She must've imagined you being naked."
    >"EW!"
    "Told you."
    >DASH! Dash likes loud obnoxious things! "Let me show you my friend Rainbow Dash instead, you'll like her."
    "Uh. What's she like?'
    >"Well, she's very sporty, and very loyal, and her mane has a lot of colors in it."
    "So she's like a horse version of Woolie."
    "If she's anything like Woolie then we can skip her."
    "Yeah, knowing just one Woolie is knowing too many Woolies."
    >You bury your head in the dirt.