[SPG] Untitled Tempest Shadow Green Chapter 1

Nov 23rd, 2018 (edited)
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  1. >You are Anon, and you are working hard doing what you do best: sitting on your ass in front of the TV.
  2. >Hey you live on your own so it’s not like you’re judged or anything, or that you’d give two fucks if you were
  3. >Your parents had worked their ass off and when they passed away it all went to you.
  4. >Being the lazy fuck you were you just threw down some investments you knew were reliable and have been coasting through life ever since.
  5. >It’s easy to give no fucks when you’re in the middle of buttfuck nowhere and the nearest “city” is a 20-minute drive away
  6. >”Anon where the hay did you put the toilet paper?”
  7. >You cringe at your fuckup.
  8. >Ok maybe you didn’t exactly live on your own.
  9. “Check the cupboard above the toilet!”
  10. >You’d be damned if you had to get up for something that stupid.
  11. >Normally you wouldn’t be this shitty of a host since your parents raised you better than that, but holy fuck was this new sofa comfy.
  12. >Your ass felt like it was being cushioned by angels… in a totally platonic way of course.
  13. >”There’s none there! Just get up and find some please!”
  14. >You groan internally; she used the magic word.
  15. >You briefly curse your mother for raising you to be so polite.
  16. >Sorry ass it looks like comfort time is over.
  17. >>ayy man put me back down
  18. >Later now shut up.
  19. >You walk over to the closet and grab some two-ply paperwork; you always gotta get the good stuff.
  20. >You make your way over to the bathroom and see the door already ajar slightly.
  21. >You’d knock but you already ran out of fucks to give just getting up.
  22. >Even so you just reach your arm through the crack and slide the toilet paper along the counter so your housemate could reach.
  23. >You didn’t need to see her to know she had a bemused grin on her face
  24. >”Even after all this time you still don’t want an eyeful?”
  25. “Damnit we’ve been over this it’s impolite here to walk in on the opposite gender when they’re doing their business”
  27. >”It’s nothing you haven’t seen already Anon.”
  28. >You don’t even dignify a response to that.
  29. >It’s not like you have a legitimate response in the first place considering she’s almost always nude.
  30. >Oh yea you should probably mention that your housemate is a pony, and not some ugly ass thing like a Shetland or Dales, but an honest to god sentient pony from MLP:Friendship is Magic
  31. >A unicorn to be precise, and not just any unicorn, but the famous/infamous Tempest Shadow herself.
  32. >Resuming your position on the couch you tune the TV out and ruminate on how the fuck life got this way not only for you but for life on earth in general.
  33. --------------------------------
  34. >It all happened perhaps eight months back; nobody knows for sure how the portals opened but thanks to your special brand of autism you managed to draw what you feel is a reasonable confusion.
  35. >You know… as reasonable as it can get when fucking magic is involved.
  36. >youdon’thavetoexplainshit.jpg
  37. >You came to realize that three major events happened nearly simultaneously that day.
  38. >The first was something you had been vaguely aware of happening a few weeks in advance, the USA had a new particle accelerator and was doing something screwy and experimental that day.
  39. >Most of it went way over your head, but you know it had something to do with singularities.
  40. >The second event took a considerable amount of effort to figure out, and by considerable effort you mean actually getting out of the house and talking to ponies.
  41. >It’s a small miracle you didn’t drown in spaghetti, but it paid off when you found out that at roughly the same time as the accelerator’s funny business Twilight Sparkle was doing something screwy and experimental with magic.
  42. >You know it had something to do with singularities.
  43. >The third and final event you got to witness firsthand.
  45. >At first glance it’s a completely bullshit reason but looking back it may have been the lynchpin preventing Twilight and the LHC from causing Armageddon in their respective worlds.
  46. >All that quantum energy wanted an outlet, and it found it on /mlp/ for some fucking reason.
  47. >It happened with the 44444444 get.
  48. >It could have been something cool, it could have been something funny, but no it was a fucking leaf.
  50. >And what did that fucking leaf post?
  51. >”plz be my pone gf”
  52. >You could feel the autist rage through your monitor.
  53. >You were about to join in the fray when you felt it: some deep feeling like Earth’s very foundation was shaking which wasn’t too far off.
  54. >You suspect that enough neckbeard rage was focused enough to give direction to Earth’s emerging singularity to focus on the pony’s world to fuck with the forming singularity there.
  55. >Whatever actually happened wasn’t really important since suddenly there were holes in reality popping up across the US and Equestria.
  56. >Most closed soon after they opened but the largest managed to stabilize to connect Ellis Island to just outside of Ponyville.
  57. >Naturally there was panic on both sides that thought the world was ending, but once it all calmed down the first explorers approached, or rather a few ponies that were more curious than afraid walked through.
  58. >It scared the living hell out of some tourists, the video of which reached over a billion views in less than two days.
  59. >Bumpy start aside Twilight and her friends stepped through soon after to be greeted by Lady Liberty and some more level-headed humans.
  60. >And so humanity’s first contact with other sapient life came about, and it was with magical marshmallow ponies that somehow spoke and wrote English.
  61. >Tensions were understandably high since a giant portal to a new and unknown world had just opened.
  63. >Celestia made an appearance the next day to meet with the president, and everyone was very surprised when she mentioned that Earth was just as magical as Equestria; it was just extremely rare for a human to be able to tell.
  64. >Then she unknowingly made clear that she didn’t need nukes to play the mutually assured destruction game when she rose the sun to hurry up the sunrise.
  65. >It fucked with the satellite array pretty well and caused a few global panics, but thankfully cooler heads prevailed, and the issue was fixed quickly.
  66. >You smile when you remember what you were doing during the few weeks immediately afterward.
  67. >/mlp/ was in conniptions; ponies were real, arguments of best pony reignited with new fervor, and it was exacerbated when Rainbow Dash learned of /mlp/ and began shitposting herself.
  68. >She even said that the artists never “got her good side”
  69. >Including the R34.
  70. >Especially the R34.
  71. >You blame Twilight for introducing her to the internet in the first place.
  72. >You wonder how Lauren Faust reacted to all the events.
  73. >Good times were had by all.
  74. >Ellis Island experienced a renaissance as it became the landing pad of ponies and eventually griffons and other species of the Equestrian world
  75. >Excluding dragons for some reason.
  76. >Meh you don’t care enough to worry, you just know they exist.
  77. >And so the last seven months passed with ponies and humans slowly integrating into each other’s societies.
  78. >Because of Celestia’s little sunrise stunt people were still very skittish about what ponies could do.
  79. >Since not even a year had passed there was a giant grey area in legislation concerning non-human sapients.
  80. >Your average everyman didn’t care for the most part.
  81. >Sure you had your odd xenophobe screaming bloody murder about leash laws, but law enforcement never cared so long as there was no trouble.
  83. >Some congressmen wanted to update the Constitution to include all sapients, some saw an opportunity for cheap labor for their “corporate friends” due to the legal grey area, but most sat on their ass too afraid of upsetting the status quo and getting kicked out of office to do anything.
  84. >Throughout it all these exciting events you just sat there… masturbating… right up until you got a knock at the door three weeks ago.
  85. >To say you were shocked to find Tempest Shadow at your doorstep is an understatement.
  86. >After the initial spaghetti passed on both sides Tempest explained that the Cutie Map changed drastically after the worlds were linked. Apparently, the table now had an illusion of both worlds floating above it now.
  87. >She had gotten called by the map and to everyone’s surprise sent to Earth. She had expected to be sent to a city or even a town, but no she wound up a five-minute drive from the nearest neighbor and a twenty-minute drive from the nearest city, if you could call a town of 5,000 a city.
  88. >You weren’t autistic enough to not realize you had issues making friends, but you weren’t sure what Tempest expected; you were perfectly content to while away your days shitposting.
  89. >That being said you relented when she asked to stay with you just in case something changed; the map did send her for a reason after all.
  90. >And so you’ve had Tempest Shadow for a roommate for three weeks, and she wasn’t bad company if you were honest with yourself.
  91. ------------------------------------------------------
  92. >You’re snapped out of your flashback when you feel a hoof prodding your forehead.
  93. >”Helloooo, Equestria to Anon! Come in Anon!”
  94. >You can’t help but smile.
  95. “Anon to Tempest I read you loud and clear.”
  96. >Tempest joins you on the other side of the couch before turning her attention to whatever drivel is on TV.
  97. >What a strange life you’ve come to lead, and the kicker? You wouldn’t have it any other way.
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