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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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[man] Barry, do you hear that?

3
00:01:18,743 --> 00:01:20,811
Superhero: The Musical.

4
00:01:20,813 --> 00:01:22,812
I'm telling you I know
what I'm talking about.

5
00:01:22,814 --> 00:01:25,249
Get on the phone. Call the
heads of all the studios.

6
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,618
This is going to be huge.

7
00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:30,186
Chris!

8
00:01:30,188 --> 00:01:31,557
No!

9
00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:37,493
[panting]

10
00:01:37,495 --> 00:01:41,698
[man narrating] I don't know what's worse:
a half-naked, oiled-up David Hasselhoff

11
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,666
or this bullet in my chest.

12
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:46,270
Probably asking yourself how
I got into this situation.

13
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,174
Let's go back a few days.

14
00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:55,546
Tommy's house, where it all started.

15
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,880
- Boom.
- He's a reality TV producer.

16
00:01:57,882 --> 00:02:01,418
Anyway, we're all there for Tommy's
annual Celebrity Death Pool party.

17
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:03,186
That's me, Chris.

18
00:02:03,188 --> 00:02:06,389
I own a nightclub called Habitat
that's barely making ends meet.

19
00:02:06,391 --> 00:02:09,292
My pick in the pool every
year is David Hasselhoff.

20
00:02:09,294 --> 00:02:12,296
I almost won last year as The
Hoff nearly plunged to his death

21
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,198
skydiving blind on his reality show.

22
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,668
As usual, my luck didn't pan
out while Hasselhoff's did.

23
00:02:18,670 --> 00:02:20,770
I mean, as far as death pool's go,

24
00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:23,207
I figured that was like drafting
LeBron right out of high school.

25
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,576
What started out as an
innocent game with my boys,

26
00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:28,644
ended up being one of the
worse weeks of my life.

27
00:02:28,646 --> 00:02:32,249
- [cheering]
- Six years ago today,

28
00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:34,550
18 men, all of whom are here,

29
00:02:34,552 --> 00:02:37,387
chose one celebrity, put
$500 into a bank account.

30
00:02:37,389 --> 00:02:41,324
We then made a gentleman's agreement
that whoever's celebrity died first,

31
00:02:41,326 --> 00:02:44,595
that man would walk away with $9,000.

32
00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:46,530
And what's the total now, Tommy?

33
00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:49,632
A staggering, a shocking,

34
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:52,768
may I say life-altering amount:

35
00:02:52,770 --> 00:02:56,373
$567,000!

36
00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:59,409
- [man] You could buy a lot of weed with that.
- [cheering]

37
00:02:59,411 --> 00:03:03,447
So you want Hasselhoff to die, but
you also booked his after-party.

38
00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:06,616
- Isn't that a conflict of interest?
- I like to hedge my bets.

39
00:03:06,618 --> 00:03:11,854
I'm just curious. Would you rather have
the money or a lifetime of awful karma?

40
00:03:11,856 --> 00:03:14,391
Come on, so you want to have
the wedding at Chuck E. Cheese?

41
00:03:14,393 --> 00:03:17,494
They have a house band there.
It's all animatronic robots.

42
00:03:17,496 --> 00:03:19,296
I mean, if it's cool with
you, it's cool with me.

43
00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:21,298
Oh, it's definitely cool with me.

44
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,632
Sounds like the best wedding ever.

45
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,534
You don't even have to buy gifts.

46
00:03:24,536 --> 00:03:26,403
You could win them with tickets.

47
00:03:26,405 --> 00:03:28,971
It's amazing. Why is no one doing this?

48
00:03:28,973 --> 00:03:32,441
Time to re-ante it. Let
me hear it people. Come on.

49
00:03:32,443 --> 00:03:34,377
[cheering]

50
00:03:34,379 --> 00:03:38,781
With these contracts, so begins
the Celebrity Death Pool 2016.

51
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:40,983
[cheering]

52
00:03:40,985 --> 00:03:42,352
Yes!

53
00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:45,756
Whoo!

54
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:49,660
I remember a friend of mine once saying to
me, "A joint checking account with Chris?

55
00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:52,495
Chris Kim?" And, of course, I objected.

56
00:03:52,497 --> 00:03:54,597
Ann, your trust will soon be rewarded.

57
00:03:54,599 --> 00:03:58,067
This is gonna be our year. This
man is definitely going to die.

58
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I can feel it in my motherfucking bones.

59
00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:01,772
- Huh?
- You're pathetic.

60
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:03,906
Thank you. I just want you to know,

61
00:04:03,908 --> 00:04:07,477
I'm doing this god-awful,
terrible thing for us.

62
00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:08,514
Love you.

63
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:14,317
[Chris narrating] Yeah, yeah, I know. It's a
little sad that we bet on celebrities to die,

64
00:04:14,319 --> 00:04:16,755
but hey, what can I say...
I don't have many hobbies.

65
00:04:17,723 --> 00:04:20,089
Think maybe he's dead?

66
00:04:20,091 --> 00:04:21,992
Fish, did you kill yourself?

67
00:04:21,994 --> 00:04:24,860
Because if you didn't kill
yourself, answer the door.

68
00:04:24,862 --> 00:04:27,464
- Hey.
- Hey.

69
00:04:27,466 --> 00:04:30,470
- Six years and you've never missed a re-ante.
- Where were you, buddy?

70
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:36,473
Well, where shall I start?

71
00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:39,909
Oh, I know. My girlfriend's
being probed on a regular basis

72
00:04:39,911 --> 00:04:43,846
by some Antonio Banderas-looking
motherfucker with a massive dick.

73
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:46,349
- So there's that.
- What are you talking about?

74
00:04:46,351 --> 00:04:50,586
Yesterday, I accidentally hacked into
Jenn's Facebook account, like I normally do,

75
00:04:50,588 --> 00:04:53,389
and I'm reading her
in-box, two messages in,

76
00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:57,793
boom, there it is... a big description
of some bastard with a huge cock.

77
00:04:57,795 --> 00:04:59,495
What?

78
00:04:59,497 --> 00:05:00,632
Here it is.

79
00:05:01,699 --> 00:05:04,800
- Sebastian Hollingbone.
- Damn.

80
00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:07,904
I know, right? It's like he's born
to be on the cover of a romance novel.

81
00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:11,675
He is the Latin Fabio. Oh,
my God, he is beautiful.

82
00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:13,810
- Just chiseled and...
- All right, calm down, Tommy, thank you.

83
00:05:13,812 --> 00:05:15,911
- You're not fucking helping.
- Sorry. It's not natural.

84
00:05:15,913 --> 00:05:19,750
What exactly makes you think Jenn is
banging this roided out meathead anyway?

85
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,784
Ah, this?

86
00:05:21,786 --> 00:05:23,053
And I shall recite.

87
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:26,490
"I long to stroke on your foot-long cock,

88
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to lick it all over
from the base to the top.

89
00:05:29,127 --> 00:05:33,130
Once it is hard, I'd like it inside me

90
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:36,166
to poke and to prod and
to lead me to ecstasy."

91
00:05:36,168 --> 00:05:40,103
[sobbing]

92
00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:42,738
Fuck! I've got to stop reading it!

93
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:45,509
- Damn, that is graphic.
- I mean, what the fuck?

94
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,711
Almost three years,

95
00:05:47,713 --> 00:05:49,812
and she's writing this guy dick poetry.

96
00:05:49,814 --> 00:05:51,947
Okay, yeah, that is a cock poem.

97
00:05:51,949 --> 00:05:56,019
But on the bright side,
it is a terrible cock poem.

98
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:59,488
Yeah. The meter's abysmal.
The rhymes are forced.

99
00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:01,524
She'll never get it published.

100
00:06:01,526 --> 00:06:03,793
- So that's what you're telling me?
- Yeah.

101
00:06:03,795 --> 00:06:05,861
That it's not going to get published?

102
00:06:05,863 --> 00:06:08,498
[chuckles]

103
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:11,500
You fucking dickheads!
That's not the point!

104
00:06:11,502 --> 00:06:14,103
The point is why is she doing it?

105
00:06:14,105 --> 00:06:16,576
Jenn's barely even touched
my tiny knob recently...

106
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:22,878
let alone use iambic
pentameter to describe it.

107
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,949
And now I know why. Because of Sebastian.

108
00:06:25,951 --> 00:06:28,017
Every fucking picture of him is shirtless.

109
00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:30,586
It's like he's allergic to shirts.

110
00:06:30,588 --> 00:06:31,855
- I wear shirts.
- Yeah, you do.

111
00:06:31,857 --> 00:06:34,057
- You got shirts, yeah?
- Wearing a shirt right now.

112
00:06:34,059 --> 00:06:35,724
Yeah, because you're fucking normal.

113
00:06:35,726 --> 00:06:36,892
Mm.

114
00:06:36,894 --> 00:06:39,663
[sobbing]

115
00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:42,968
Okay, dude, dude, come on. Come
on, man, fuck this guy. Fuck Jenn.

116
00:06:43,999 --> 00:06:46,872
Yeah, who the hell does she think she's
cheating on? You're Paul "The Fish" Fishman.

117
00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:49,608
Thanks, Tommy.

118
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,509
But I've got to be honest.

119
00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:54,978
I don't have a very big dick.

120
00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,579
Okay, you know, neither do I.

121
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:59,582
More of a Korean genetic
thing, but that's fine.

122
00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:01,485
That's why we own a Hollywood club.

123
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,752
We overcompensate. That's what we do.

124
00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:06,889
Once we renovate, you'll be
knee-deep in all the pussy

125
00:07:06,891 --> 00:07:10,694
a 25 percent investor with a
mediocre member can handle, huh?

126
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:12,562
- How do you like that?
- [sniffles]

127
00:07:12,564 --> 00:07:15,731
I think obviously that...
that sounds good, you know.

128
00:07:15,733 --> 00:07:17,567
But I think I'm losing it.

129
00:07:17,569 --> 00:07:19,639
You know, everywhere
I look I see Sebastian.

130
00:07:20,771 --> 00:07:21,774
Everywhere.

131
00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:26,108
He's behind you, by the
way, mocking my tiny penis.

132
00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:28,178
[squeaking]

133
00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:32,048
Hey, gotta remain positive. Where's
the old optimistic Fish? Come on.

134
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,017
[sighs] I don't know.

135
00:07:34,019 --> 00:07:37,219
I think he's been defeated
by Sebastian's Hollingbone.

136
00:07:37,221 --> 00:07:40,957
Dude, I need you to be strong for
me. I really need you right now.

137
00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:43,726
- Ahh!
- Okay, I'm sorry, okay?

138
00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:45,262
- I just...
- Shaking me all the time.

139
00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:46,562
- I'm sorry.
- You know?

140
00:07:46,564 --> 00:07:47,764
Breakups suck, I get it.

141
00:07:47,766 --> 00:07:49,065
You have nothing to worry about, okay?

142
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,200
Look, blue skies ahead, buddy.

143
00:07:51,202 --> 00:07:53,135
You gotta buck the fuck up.

144
00:07:53,137 --> 00:07:56,740
David Hasselhoff's throwing an after-party
at your nightclub this Saturday.

145
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:58,173
- The Hoff?
- The Hoff.

146
00:07:58,175 --> 00:07:59,909
- Is he gonna sing?
- Yes.

147
00:07:59,911 --> 00:08:01,077
- Oh.
- [both] No!

148
00:08:01,079 --> 00:08:02,312
- No?
- No.

149
00:08:02,314 --> 00:08:03,579
Okay, good.

150
00:08:03,581 --> 00:08:05,248
I'll try and make it.

151
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:08,651
If I'm still of sound body and mind.

152
00:08:08,653 --> 00:08:10,086
[sobbing]

153
00:08:10,088 --> 00:08:12,322
[sobbing continues]

154
00:08:12,324 --> 00:08:13,990
Wait, wait.

155
00:08:13,992 --> 00:08:15,858
That... That feels weird.

156
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,226
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Don't cry.

157
00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,896
[Chris] So yeah, I had
Hasselhoff in the death pool

158
00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:22,298
and was also hosting
his after-party.

159
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:24,868
I mean, just because I
want Hasselhoff to die

160
00:08:24,870 --> 00:08:27,336
doesn't mean that I'm not going to
try to make a couple of bucks off him

161
00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:30,272
while he's still
alive... It's a win-win.

162
00:08:30,274 --> 00:08:32,211
[dance music]

163
00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:38,949
There he is. Here's my guy. Come on.

164
00:08:38,951 --> 00:08:41,785
Not you, hey. Hey. Hello. How are you?

165
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,185
- Oh.
- Hi, Tommy.

166
00:08:43,187 --> 00:08:45,821
- Hey, you must be real proud of this guy.
- Yeah, I am.

167
00:08:45,823 --> 00:08:47,056
Refill?

168
00:08:47,058 --> 00:08:49,092
- Yes, please.
- Zoink.

169
00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:53,162
So, Ann, where's Susan?

170
00:08:53,164 --> 00:08:55,230
[sighs] Tommy, I'm sorry,

171
00:08:55,232 --> 00:08:57,633
but my roommate's never
gonna sleep with you.

172
00:08:57,635 --> 00:09:00,936
- She's engaged.
- I forgot that she's engaged.

173
00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:04,974
Why does she have to be engaged, because
engaged people can't have sex with other people.

174
00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:07,243
But wait, they can. [chuckles]

175
00:09:07,245 --> 00:09:09,045
I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna have sex with her,

176
00:09:09,047 --> 00:09:11,314
and you can't actually stop
me from having sex with her

177
00:09:11,316 --> 00:09:14,184
because I'm already having sex
with her in my head right now.

178
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:15,785
- [chuckles]
- Ohh. Ahh.

179
00:09:15,787 --> 00:09:17,320
Okay, yeah, that's very nice, Susan.

180
00:09:17,322 --> 00:09:21,023
Oh, don't make Ann watch. That's... Whoa.

181
00:09:21,025 --> 00:09:23,161
- Stop.
- Copy that.

182
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,268
Dolores.

183
00:09:29,967 --> 00:09:31,133
[sighs]

184
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:32,969
Fishman, you okay?

185
00:09:32,971 --> 00:09:36,305
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm...

186
00:09:36,307 --> 00:09:38,174
- No. Yep.
- Good lad.

187
00:09:38,176 --> 00:09:40,877
- I...
- All right, everyone,

188
00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:46,148
let's give a warm welcome
to our founder and CEO,

189
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,852
Mr. Richard Mayweather.

190
00:09:50,889 --> 00:09:53,989
All right, let's get down to business.

191
00:09:53,991 --> 00:09:58,127
Now, company profits have
stalled in the third quarter.

192
00:09:58,129 --> 00:10:03,098
I've been thinking long and hard
about how to turn things around,

193
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,968
and here's some thoughts.

194
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:09,973
I want you to consider the
difference between steel and pudding.

195
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:12,941
They're both made out of molecules.

196
00:10:12,943 --> 00:10:14,911
Oh, God! Sebastian!

197
00:10:14,913 --> 00:10:18,113
[inhaling]

198
00:10:18,115 --> 00:10:21,984
It seems, my lady, that my
manhood has sprung to attention.

199
00:10:21,986 --> 00:10:27,991
My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff!

200
00:10:27,993 --> 00:10:30,359
- Ohh!
- I wish to ravish you on this table!

201
00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:33,228
Sebastian! Yes, please!

202
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:36,232
- [Fish] No!
- Ravish away, Sebastian.

203
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:38,868
- My previous lover never gave me...
- No, don't... don't do that!

204
00:10:38,870 --> 00:10:40,335
That's right, Fishman.

205
00:10:40,337 --> 00:10:43,006
We can no longer stay passive.

206
00:10:43,008 --> 00:10:45,809
[both laughing]

207
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:49,478
My desire must be sated in
the most forbidden of places.

208
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:54,117
Now dispose of your skirt and
prepare to receive many sweet reams.

209
00:10:54,119 --> 00:10:57,389
- Oh, yes!
- No!

210
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:04,094
[mumbling]

211
00:11:04,096 --> 00:11:06,429
You mother...

212
00:11:06,431 --> 00:11:08,098
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!

213
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,967
I'll rip your love muscle
right off! Do you hear me?

214
00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:15,003
- I'll kill you!
- [groaning]

215
00:11:15,005 --> 00:11:17,172
[man] ♪ I got that feeling
And it's so appealing ♪

216
00:11:17,174 --> 00:11:19,209
♪ And what I'm
feeling Is thrilling ♪

217
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:21,344
♪ It's that sexual healing ♪

218
00:11:21,346 --> 00:11:23,412
This is gonna be a big money night!

219
00:11:23,414 --> 00:11:25,016
It fucking better be.

220
00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:30,152
Chris, you worry too much
about money. Now look at me.

221
00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:35,324
I have two pairs of pants, two pairs
of shirts, no underwear and I'm happy.

222
00:11:35,326 --> 00:11:37,259
Yeah, 'cause you're always high.

223
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:40,028
Yeah, I forgot about that.

224
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,098
You even have weed in your hair.

225
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,469
Just a big...

226
00:11:45,370 --> 00:11:47,302
[laughs]

227
00:11:47,304 --> 00:11:49,839
I've been looking all over for you.

228
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:52,342
I better go smoke this.

229
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:57,012
Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes,
it means I forgot to come back.

230
00:11:57,014 --> 00:11:59,181
- Now what was I doing again?
- Good luck, Rob.

231
00:11:59,183 --> 00:12:02,788
Every time he walks away, I feel like
it's the last time I'll ever see him.

232
00:12:04,355 --> 00:12:06,922
[man] Amazing tonight, everybody.

233
00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,824
Simply amazing.

234
00:12:08,826 --> 00:12:11,861
"Has he still got it?"
Hell, you never lost it.

235
00:12:11,863 --> 00:12:15,031
[chuckles] Whoo-hoo!
Habitat, here we come.

236
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:17,432
[whispering]

237
00:12:17,434 --> 00:12:19,002
Barry?

238
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,503
Let's go to Orchid.

239
00:12:21,505 --> 00:12:23,108
Orchid it is.

240
00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:27,544
♪ I get that feeling
And it's so appealing ♪

241
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:30,282
- ♪ And what I'm feeling ♪
- [cell phone chiming]

242
00:12:32,484 --> 00:12:36,451
Hey, Barry, everything is all
set for Mr. Hasselhoff's arrival.

243
00:12:36,453 --> 00:12:38,287
So what's the ETA?

244
00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:41,190
Chris, unfortunately we're not
going to be able to make it tonight.

245
00:12:41,192 --> 00:12:43,959
Mr. Hasselhoff has changed his mind.

246
00:12:43,961 --> 00:12:45,460
One of his many talents.

247
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:46,996
What the hell are you talking about?

248
00:12:46,998 --> 00:12:49,431
Well, we need someplace a
little fancier, you know?

249
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:51,600
Are you fucking kidding me? We had a deal!

250
00:12:51,602 --> 00:12:55,037
You are mistaken if you think
that cussing and the yelling

251
00:12:55,039 --> 00:12:58,273
is gonna make us magically
appear at your shitty little club.

252
00:12:58,275 --> 00:13:01,243
Let me speak to David
Hasselhoff directly please.

253
00:13:01,245 --> 00:13:03,414
Bye, cocksucker. Good-bye.

254
00:13:04,381 --> 00:13:05,848
[chuckling]

255
00:13:05,850 --> 00:13:07,517
Hello?

256
00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:10,523
Fuck! He's not coming.

257
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,894
Maybe I should go home.

258
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:26,035
Boss, we got us a little problem.

259
00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:27,936
- Who's in the VIP suite?
- Gina D'Andrea.

260
00:13:27,938 --> 00:13:30,172
- And that's a problem why?
- She's only 16.

261
00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:33,075
- What?
- And it shows that you signed off on her,

262
00:13:33,077 --> 00:13:35,878
which is weird as hell 'cause
the girl's on a kid's TV show.

263
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,479
[woman] ♪ Say no
Gotta learn, learn ♪

264
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:39,281
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪

265
00:13:39,283 --> 00:13:40,349
♪ You gotta learn
How to say no ♪

266
00:13:40,351 --> 00:13:41,584
♪ Gotta learn, learn ♪

267
00:13:41,586 --> 00:13:43,286
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪

268
00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:44,587
♪ You gotta learn
How to say no ♪

269
00:13:44,589 --> 00:13:45,921
♪ Gotta learn, learn ♪

270
00:13:45,923 --> 00:13:47,456
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪

271
00:13:47,458 --> 00:13:48,892
♪ Everybody just say no ♪

272
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:49,993
♪ Gotta learn, learn ♪

273
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,294
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪

274
00:13:51,296 --> 00:13:54,296
- Oh, shit.
- You Ricky's dude with the "X"?

275
00:13:54,298 --> 00:13:55,964
No, I'm the owner.

276
00:13:55,966 --> 00:13:58,166
Well, your name ain't on
the guest list, partner.

277
00:13:58,168 --> 00:14:02,238
What? The owner ain't gots to
be on the guest list, homie!

278
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,608
Hey, let him in, he's cute. I've always
wanted to have sex with a tiny Asian man.

279
00:14:06,610 --> 00:14:07,947
It's on my fuck-it list.

280
00:14:09,246 --> 00:14:12,515
- Hi, I need to talk...
- Don't talk, eat this.

281
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:15,550
- [coughs] What was that?
- It's a lude, man.

282
00:14:15,552 --> 00:14:18,186
Lude? What the fuck are you? A Vietnam vet?

283
00:14:18,188 --> 00:14:21,190
Shh. No negativity here.

284
00:14:21,192 --> 00:14:23,059
Positive vibes only.

285
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:25,228
You need to grow.

286
00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:28,131
- Speaking of grow...
- Ohh! No, no! No!

287
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,699
Mom!

288
00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:32,535
Oh. [chuckles]

289
00:14:32,537 --> 00:14:36,339
It's always so good to see my
little girl making new fuck buddies.

290
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:38,340
- You're her mom?
- Yeah.

291
00:14:38,342 --> 00:14:42,311
We're just trying to ditch that kiddy
star rap and stir up some controversy.

292
00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:45,047
No, no, okay, well, this time is over.

293
00:14:45,049 --> 00:14:47,550
What the fuck is going on in my VIP suite?

294
00:14:47,552 --> 00:14:49,285
Oh, my...

295
00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:52,454
And the mom? You disgust me.

296
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:56,325
I will not stand by and have you turn this

297
00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:59,429
Judeo-Christian friendly,
Hollywood nightclub

298
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:02,732
into a fucking whorehouse, huh?

299
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:06,502
So, Grace Jones, stop making
out with White Grace Jones.

300
00:15:06,504 --> 00:15:11,206
Girl from the ring, Flacco and
Chalupa, pack up your dildos,

301
00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:16,012
batten down your anal beads and take
this orgy to the streets where you belong.

302
00:15:16,014 --> 00:15:19,315
Because this party is over.

303
00:15:19,317 --> 00:15:21,617
This party ain't over until
I say it's over, bitch.

304
00:15:21,619 --> 00:15:23,453
[screams]

305
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,454
Ah! Ah! Ah!

306
00:15:25,456 --> 00:15:28,257
My eyes! My eyes!

307
00:15:28,259 --> 00:15:30,528
[shutters clicking]

308
00:15:32,629 --> 00:15:35,464
[man on TV] Insanity outside a
Hollywood nightclub last night,

309
00:15:35,466 --> 00:15:38,401
a huge star being
smuggled out undercover

310
00:15:38,403 --> 00:15:42,004
after claims of being sexually
abused by the nightclub owner.

311
00:15:42,006 --> 00:15:46,209
So who is this woman? It's
child star Gina D'Andrea,

312
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:50,546
claiming that Chris Kim, owner of Hollywood
club Habitat, sexually assaulted her.

313
00:15:50,548 --> 00:15:53,018
[woman on TV] She says that
he put his face in her crotch.

314
00:16:06,663 --> 00:16:08,734
[door opens, closes]

315
00:16:24,182 --> 00:16:26,581
- Annie, listen...
- I don't want to hear it, Chris.

316
00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:28,217
I mean, seriously,

317
00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:30,752
I feel like this is a bad dream.

318
00:16:30,754 --> 00:16:33,055
Me too! It's a fucking nightmare!

319
00:16:33,057 --> 00:16:35,223
I just... I know you're furious,

320
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:36,559
but can you at least hear me out?

321
00:16:36,561 --> 00:16:38,393
How long have you been
doing stuff like this?

322
00:16:38,395 --> 00:16:41,363
Do what? I haven't done
anything they said I did.

323
00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:44,467
Really? So you weren't doing
coke and groping an underage girl?

324
00:16:44,469 --> 00:16:47,103
I saw it, Chris. The whole world saw it.

325
00:16:47,105 --> 00:16:49,604
My mom called me crying last night.

326
00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:51,741
Fuck. Your mom saw it.

327
00:16:51,743 --> 00:16:53,508
Everybody's mom saw it!

328
00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:57,412
This is a ridiculous
misunderstanding. You gotta believe me.

329
00:16:57,414 --> 00:17:01,450
You know I'm a teacher, Chris.
My students watch her show.

330
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,788
Just imagine what I'm going
to deal with at work tomorrow.

331
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,090
Annie.

332
00:17:09,193 --> 00:17:10,559
Will you just go?

333
00:17:10,561 --> 00:17:13,031
Please. Just go.

334
00:17:14,298 --> 00:17:15,500
Annie...

335
00:17:31,482 --> 00:17:34,549
- [Chris] I'm broke, lost my fiancée...
- [sad music playing]

336
00:17:34,551 --> 00:17:36,719
and The Hoff just won't die.

337
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:39,354
Can we change the sad music, please?

338
00:17:39,356 --> 00:17:41,160
God, I'm pathetic.

339
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:48,363
- You wearing a wire?
- Why would I wear a wire?

340
00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:50,533
You know what? That's exactly what
people say when they are wearing a wire.

341
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:51,769
Now it's time to spread 'em.

342
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,437
Fine. Go ahead.

343
00:17:54,439 --> 00:17:56,671
Sorry. Just doing my job, guy.

344
00:17:56,673 --> 00:18:01,209
Hey, is your job supposed to be checking for
a tiny listening device strapped to my taint?

345
00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:04,580
- In a sense, that's exactly what it is.
- Fantastic.

346
00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:06,449
Your mother must be very proud.

347
00:18:06,451 --> 00:18:09,619
Yeah, she is, actually. I'm her favorite.

348
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,520
Where do you fall in your
family's pecking order?

349
00:18:11,522 --> 00:18:12,824
I'm guessing somewhere near the bottom.

350
00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:17,293
- I saw you on TV this morning.
- [Chris] I didn't do it.

351
00:18:17,295 --> 00:18:21,163
- Not any of it.
- Yeah, the old "I didn't do it."

352
00:18:21,165 --> 00:18:24,199
Popular phrase in this town.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.

353
00:18:24,201 --> 00:18:25,336
- Mm.
- [fingers snapping]

354
00:18:28,605 --> 00:18:31,540
- [grunts] Okay.
- Oh.

355
00:18:31,542 --> 00:18:33,441
- No.
- Oh, okay.

356
00:18:33,443 --> 00:18:35,878
Mr. Kim, so today is payday.

357
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,548
Mr. Wasserstein, um, I'm
actually asking for an extension.

358
00:18:39,550 --> 00:18:42,617
An extension? That's, uh...
That's a ballsy request.

359
00:18:42,619 --> 00:18:46,255
No, um, I just need a little
more time. Just-Just anything...

360
00:18:46,257 --> 00:18:50,793
Mr. Kim, if you'll indulge me a brief story.
I call it, "The Parable of the Loaves."

361
00:18:50,795 --> 00:18:52,498
Jesus Christ.

362
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:59,235
Years ago, there was a
10-year-old boy living in Brooklyn.

363
00:18:59,237 --> 00:19:02,371
His mother was crazy, his father a drunk.

364
00:19:02,373 --> 00:19:06,709
So naturally, he had to fend
for himself most of the time,

365
00:19:06,711 --> 00:19:11,380
and in that he was hungry, he took to
stealing scraps of bread from a local baker.

366
00:19:11,382 --> 00:19:13,315
They knew, and it was no big deal.

367
00:19:13,317 --> 00:19:16,419
But soon enough, the boy got cocky.

368
00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:18,520
He started stealing more and more.

369
00:19:18,522 --> 00:19:21,990
Now, the baker had a son around
the same age as this little boy.

370
00:19:21,992 --> 00:19:25,894
And one day, the baker's
son witnessed the boy

371
00:19:25,896 --> 00:19:30,333
stuffing an entire loaf of bread
down into his drawstring pantaloons.

372
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:33,436
Now stealing scraps, that's one thing.

373
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:37,640
But I'm sure you would agree an entire
loaf, well, that's another matter entirely.

374
00:19:37,642 --> 00:19:42,311
So for three months, the
baker's son beat the boy bloody

375
00:19:42,313 --> 00:19:45,480
until it was certain that
he had learned his lesson.

376
00:19:45,482 --> 00:19:50,853
Um, that boy who stole
the bread... that was you?

377
00:19:50,855 --> 00:19:54,289
What? No, fuck, no. No, I was the
boy who beat the shit out of that boy.

378
00:19:54,291 --> 00:19:56,392
I was the baker's son.
The point is this, Mr. Kim.

379
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:58,561
You owe me $400,000,

380
00:19:58,563 --> 00:20:03,365
and I really enjoy beating the shit
out of people who steal from me.

381
00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:05,301
I just need a little breathing room.

382
00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,902
Mr. Kim, I believe that you
should consider your breathing room

383
00:20:07,904 --> 00:20:10,805
as the fact that you are now
currently still breathing.

384
00:20:10,807 --> 00:20:11,809
Oh.

385
00:20:14,878 --> 00:20:17,613
Now you gave me your word
that you would give me the 400K

386
00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:20,315
on a date that we both
agreed upon, Mr. Kim.

387
00:20:20,317 --> 00:20:24,853
If one man cannot take another
man's word, all order is lost.

388
00:20:24,855 --> 00:20:28,524
And still, Mr. Kim, I'm rooting for you.

389
00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:31,296
Nick however, not so much.

390
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,401
You have 72 hours beginning now, Mr. Kim.

391
00:20:39,403 --> 00:20:41,504
Okay. Thank you, sir.

392
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:42,507
[clears throat]

393
00:20:45,509 --> 00:20:48,576
You know, you really could have supported me
just a little bit more with the bread story.

394
00:20:48,578 --> 00:20:50,946
Well, you and your hyperbole.
Now it's a whole loaf?

395
00:20:50,948 --> 00:20:52,314
Now I'm being... I'm being hyperbolic?

396
00:20:52,316 --> 00:20:55,750
Yes, it's a whole loaf that he's
stuffing into a pair of drawstring?

397
00:20:55,752 --> 00:20:57,452
That's the whole point of the story.

398
00:20:57,454 --> 00:21:00,088
It starts nice with a little
scrap. I mean, look at...

399
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:02,525
He's looking at me like
then what, then what?

400
00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:04,759
You said pantaloons. You said pantaloons.

401
00:21:04,761 --> 00:21:06,796
- That's exactly what he was wearing.
- Whatever. Okay.

402
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:08,998
- He had the pantaloons. That's what I had.
- Maybe you're right.

403
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,633
He had pantaloons. I had
dungarees. He had pantaloons.

404
00:21:11,635 --> 00:21:14,336
- And I watched him stuffing it. It might have been a bun.
- Maybe you're right.

405
00:21:14,338 --> 00:21:15,603
Ah, go fuck yourself.

406
00:21:15,605 --> 00:21:17,739
[Chris] Let's go down the list.

407
00:21:17,741 --> 00:21:21,043
I'm accused of dealing drugs,
serving alcohol to a minor,

408
00:21:21,045 --> 00:21:23,112
sexual assault on that minor,

409
00:21:23,114 --> 00:21:26,949
so Ann kicked me out, plus I owe
400 grand to a goddamn psychopath

410
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:29,584
and my last hope investor
lost his fucking mind.

411
00:21:29,586 --> 00:21:32,087
- Uh, Fish.
- Yeah, Fish.

412
00:21:32,089 --> 00:21:34,390
His brain melted.

413
00:21:34,392 --> 00:21:37,992
A 5150 in some 72-hour psychiatric hold.

414
00:21:37,994 --> 00:21:39,830
This is some heavy shit.

415
00:21:41,098 --> 00:21:42,832
Damn it, Chris, why'd
you go to Wasserstein?

416
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:45,968
It was because I'm desperate, Tommy.

417
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:49,705
I will help you with anything you need.

418
00:21:49,707 --> 00:21:52,040
So you'll lend me the money?

419
00:21:52,042 --> 00:21:56,612
I would love to give you the money,
but I don't have the money, okay?

420
00:21:56,614 --> 00:21:59,914
Work's not going great.
The last two shows failed.

421
00:21:59,916 --> 00:22:02,884
Look, if Redneck Atheist
works out, then we're good.

422
00:22:02,886 --> 00:22:07,555
- But I gotta tell you this thing's being real hard to cast.
- No, no. Uh, no.

423
00:22:07,557 --> 00:22:12,460
- Thanks. It's my shit storm, so I'll take care of it.
- I tell you what I can do.

424
00:22:12,462 --> 00:22:14,432
I could talk to Ann. She trusts me.

425
00:22:18,568 --> 00:22:21,605
I'll go over there and explain that
you don't touch kids... anymore.

426
00:22:38,756 --> 00:22:40,155
Come on!

427
00:22:40,157 --> 00:22:41,826
[scoffs]

428
00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:44,796
[clicking]

429
00:22:46,998 --> 00:22:48,866
- [clicking]
- Come on!

430
00:22:51,501 --> 00:22:52,767
Fuck!

431
00:22:52,769 --> 00:22:54,437
Fuck!

432
00:22:54,439 --> 00:22:56,705
Fuck you! Fuck!

433
00:22:56,707 --> 00:22:58,443
Piece of shit!

434
00:23:01,445 --> 00:23:04,582
[siren wailing in distance]

435
00:23:11,021 --> 00:23:14,125
Oh, come on. Fresh garbage, buddy.

436
00:23:17,795 --> 00:23:20,563
[gasps] David Hasselhoff?

437
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,769
Yeah! This will fetch so many
deutsche marks on the market.

438
00:23:25,169 --> 00:23:27,036
Even the hobo loves The Hoff.

439
00:23:27,038 --> 00:23:29,171
Let me guess. German.

440
00:23:29,173 --> 00:23:31,673
Why does everybody keep saying
that about me? It's so strange.

441
00:23:31,675 --> 00:23:34,142
But enough about me. What's
wrong with you? You look so sad.

442
00:23:34,144 --> 00:23:35,944
You're like a sad, sad man.

443
00:23:35,946 --> 00:23:38,113
Speak to me, sad man, of your sadness.

444
00:23:38,115 --> 00:23:42,116
I feel like the whole world is
taking a gigantic piss on my head.

445
00:23:42,118 --> 00:23:45,720
I can relate to this so hard. Just this
morning, a little schnauzer pissed on my face.

446
00:23:45,722 --> 00:23:48,123
But it's okay, it's karma. You know why?

447
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:51,594
Because two days ago, I was
urinating on his face. What?

448
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:54,900
When life shits on you,
you shit right back.

449
00:23:59,636 --> 00:24:01,170
Yes.

450
00:24:01,172 --> 00:24:03,738
That actually makes a
lot of sense right now.

451
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:05,607
Oh, I know, right?

452
00:24:05,609 --> 00:24:07,709
It's why I fling feces
at people I don't like.

453
00:24:07,711 --> 00:24:09,777
Not you though. You're very, very nice.

454
00:24:09,779 --> 00:24:13,516
You're like a Mr. Miyagi with a
toupee minus 20 years and 20 pounds.

455
00:24:13,518 --> 00:24:16,188
You're like waxing on and
off all day long. I love you.

456
00:24:17,654 --> 00:24:19,057
Also, can I give you a
hand job for a dollar?

457
00:24:20,924 --> 00:24:22,991
- No?
- How about a beer?

458
00:24:22,993 --> 00:24:24,692
Okay.

459
00:24:24,694 --> 00:24:26,961
- You like to drink, probably?
- Yes, I'm a raging alcoholic.

460
00:24:26,963 --> 00:24:28,063
Okay.

461
00:24:28,065 --> 00:24:29,698
[alarm ringing]

462
00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:30,969
Shit.

463
00:24:35,673 --> 00:24:39,678
- Hey, the hand job's on me.
- [siren wailing in distance]

464
00:24:56,594 --> 00:24:57,992
You eyeing me now?

465
00:24:57,994 --> 00:24:59,728
You want a go?

466
00:24:59,730 --> 00:25:01,997
You judge me all you want.

467
00:25:01,999 --> 00:25:05,199
It ain't my fault Mama's
Family was canceled in 1986.

468
00:25:05,201 --> 00:25:08,938
And like the Dark Knight said, it
is always darkest before the dawn.

469
00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:12,141
I am a good person, and I
am stronger than you know,

470
00:25:12,143 --> 00:25:14,343
and I will persevere with my dignity!

471
00:25:14,345 --> 00:25:15,713
Ahh!

472
00:25:16,713 --> 00:25:17,912
- [knocking]
- [shower running]

473
00:25:17,914 --> 00:25:21,216
Annie? I'm not breaking in.

474
00:25:21,218 --> 00:25:23,719
I really need to talk to you.

475
00:25:23,721 --> 00:25:26,689
Shit's gotten really bad.

476
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:29,057
I'm so sorry about what
happened the other night.

477
00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:30,793
I said a lot of things that I regret.

478
00:25:30,795 --> 00:25:32,227
Annie?

479
00:25:32,229 --> 00:25:34,865
Oh, no, no, no. Chris, hey, hey.

480
00:25:36,032 --> 00:25:37,632
Jesus Christ, really?

481
00:25:37,634 --> 00:25:39,602
You chose to come out
of the shower right now?

482
00:25:39,604 --> 00:25:41,003
What are you doing here?

483
00:25:41,005 --> 00:25:42,837
What am I doing here? What...

484
00:25:42,839 --> 00:25:44,606
So you said you were
going to talk to Ann, huh?

485
00:25:44,608 --> 00:25:46,307
- I did talk to...
- Huh, pal!

486
00:25:46,309 --> 00:25:48,043
- I-I did talk to her!
- Chris!

487
00:25:48,045 --> 00:25:49,014
Chris!

488
00:25:50,681 --> 00:25:52,347
Where's Susan?

489
00:25:52,349 --> 00:25:53,748
- I don't know.
- Oh.

490
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:55,319
It's a sebaceous cyst. It's not a big deal.

491
00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:06,830
[screaming] Fuck! Fuck!

492
00:26:08,298 --> 00:26:10,100
[sobs, sniffles]

493
00:26:14,337 --> 00:26:15,339
God!

494
00:26:29,886 --> 00:26:31,956
When life shits on you...

495
00:26:33,657 --> 00:26:35,891
you shit right back.

496
00:26:35,893 --> 00:26:37,662
[tires squealing]

497
00:26:49,773 --> 00:26:50,805
Hi, Fish.

498
00:26:50,807 --> 00:26:52,408
Hey.

499
00:26:52,410 --> 00:26:54,308
I don't know how to play this game.

500
00:26:54,310 --> 00:26:56,714
- Is that mustache real?
- Of course it's real.

501
00:26:57,981 --> 00:27:00,982
I'm sorry. You're... You're looking good.

502
00:27:00,984 --> 00:27:04,018
Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich?

503
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:05,453
No, I'm fine.

504
00:27:05,455 --> 00:27:06,755
- You sure?
- Yeah.

505
00:27:06,757 --> 00:27:09,357
I had the nurse make it. It's Colby.

506
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:12,760
I'm actually in the middle
of a very exciting experiment.

507
00:27:12,762 --> 00:27:16,297
Every day, I get a different
sandwich with the same cheese in it.

508
00:27:16,299 --> 00:27:18,400
Which cheese is winning?

509
00:27:18,402 --> 00:27:21,105
Well, it's the same cheese
every time. It's a Colby.

510
00:27:22,205 --> 00:27:23,905
[sighs]

511
00:27:23,907 --> 00:27:25,644
If you're not going to eat that...

512
00:27:27,411 --> 00:27:29,944
it's gonna go to waste.

513
00:27:29,946 --> 00:27:32,883
Because I'm telling you now,
Sebastian will not touch it.

514
00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:35,886
He's over there, look.

515
00:27:37,188 --> 00:27:38,857
Lifting weights. Look at him.

516
00:27:39,856 --> 00:27:41,222
So "muscley."

517
00:27:41,224 --> 00:27:43,424
Don't stare at him. That's
what he wants you to do.

518
00:27:43,426 --> 00:27:44,927
He likes it when you look.

519
00:27:44,929 --> 00:27:47,265
God, I'm so sorry. You
really lost your mind.

520
00:27:48,398 --> 00:27:50,399
I don't think I've lost it.

521
00:27:50,401 --> 00:27:52,200
I think it's been misplaced.

522
00:27:52,202 --> 00:27:54,036
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's why I'm here.

523
00:27:54,038 --> 00:27:56,939
- You know I'm looking for it. Searching around, you know?
- Mm-hmm.

524
00:27:56,941 --> 00:27:59,040
While we're on the subject of losing minds,

525
00:27:59,042 --> 00:28:01,879
I feel like I've... I've misplaced mine.

526
00:28:03,346 --> 00:28:05,080
I heard that you molested some kids.

527
00:28:05,082 --> 00:28:06,315
No.

528
00:28:06,317 --> 00:28:08,016
- No.
- What the fuck you doing that for?

529
00:28:08,018 --> 00:28:09,284
No.

530
00:28:09,286 --> 00:28:10,455
I'm only going off what I heard.

531
00:28:12,957 --> 00:28:16,124
I just found out that Ann is fucking Tommy.

532
00:28:16,126 --> 00:28:17,428
What the fuck?

533
00:28:19,163 --> 00:28:20,528
Ann is actually Tommy?

534
00:28:20,530 --> 00:28:22,396
No, no, no.

535
00:28:22,398 --> 00:28:24,134
- No.
- That makes sense.

536
00:28:25,803 --> 00:28:27,401
You can see it.

537
00:28:27,403 --> 00:28:29,074
They're never in the same
room at the same time.

538
00:28:30,473 --> 00:28:34,142
No, they are. They are, a lot.

539
00:28:34,144 --> 00:28:36,778
They're in the same room a
lot. That-That makes no sense.

540
00:28:36,780 --> 00:28:39,084
No, my best friend is fucking Ann.

541
00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:43,285
I am not! You know what, you get out!

542
00:28:43,287 --> 00:28:44,385
Security!

543
00:28:44,387 --> 00:28:46,154
Oh, g'day, mate.

544
00:28:46,156 --> 00:28:47,826
Just a, uh, another
grilled cheese sandwich.

545
00:28:48,925 --> 00:28:51,325
Yep. Two eyes. One pointer.

546
00:28:51,327 --> 00:28:52,494
Not you.

547
00:28:52,496 --> 00:28:54,129
Tommy.

548
00:28:54,131 --> 00:28:56,798
- Right.
- Yeah.

549
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:58,068
I see.

550
00:28:59,036 --> 00:29:01,236
I'm not your best friend.

551
00:29:01,238 --> 00:29:03,505
- I meant to say...
- [sighs]

552
00:29:03,507 --> 00:29:05,507
Tommy's my second best friend.

553
00:29:05,509 --> 00:29:07,910
- Good. Okay.
- Yeah.

554
00:29:07,912 --> 00:29:09,577
That's more like it.

555
00:29:09,579 --> 00:29:12,817
In fact, that's classic
second best friend behavior.

556
00:29:14,250 --> 00:29:16,253
- I feel for you.
- Yeah.

557
00:29:17,387 --> 00:29:19,822
My life is in shambles, man.

558
00:29:19,824 --> 00:29:22,190
And the only way I can deal with it is,

559
00:29:22,192 --> 00:29:24,229
[whispering] I have to kill Hasselhoff.

560
00:29:29,133 --> 00:29:30,332
Yeah.

561
00:29:30,334 --> 00:29:32,234
It's the only way to turn my life around.

562
00:29:32,236 --> 00:29:33,403
To win the death pool money.

563
00:29:34,872 --> 00:29:37,005
- He's had a pretty good life.
- Yes. Yeah.

564
00:29:37,007 --> 00:29:40,441
Exactly. And I'm not a murderer.
I don't want to do this.

565
00:29:40,443 --> 00:29:42,210
I'm not like Dexter or anything.

566
00:29:42,212 --> 00:29:44,112
- Fuck, no. You're not Dexter.
- No.

567
00:29:44,114 --> 00:29:45,380
- You kidding me?
- Yeah.

568
00:29:45,382 --> 00:29:48,482
- He plans things out. He's meticulous.
- Thank you.

569
00:29:48,484 --> 00:29:51,553
Shh, shh, shh. Just
keep things on the down.

570
00:29:51,555 --> 00:29:55,990
Before Sebastian and I became
buddies, I actually wrote a list

571
00:29:55,992 --> 00:30:00,996
in my journal of the many ways
I wanted to kill Sebastian.

572
00:30:00,998 --> 00:30:04,266
Now, it's pretty much endless.

573
00:30:04,268 --> 00:30:07,102
Well, it's three pages,
but check it out. Look.

574
00:30:07,104 --> 00:30:08,636
- Gun, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

575
00:30:08,638 --> 00:30:10,939
- Rope. Candlestick.
- Mm.

576
00:30:10,941 --> 00:30:13,475
I was playing a board game at the
time when I came up with those ones.

577
00:30:13,477 --> 00:30:14,910
Horse accident.

578
00:30:14,912 --> 00:30:17,379
Is he into horses? No.

579
00:30:17,381 --> 00:30:18,546
I don't think so.

580
00:30:18,548 --> 00:30:19,882
A monkey attack.

581
00:30:19,884 --> 00:30:21,917
Scarf caught in sidecar.

582
00:30:21,919 --> 00:30:24,151
- You got a sidecar? No.
- No.

583
00:30:24,153 --> 00:30:26,054
Mortal Kombat?

584
00:30:26,056 --> 00:30:27,389
- That... That's a game.
- Yeah.

585
00:30:27,391 --> 00:30:29,257
- Bullfight.
- Mm-hmm.

586
00:30:29,259 --> 00:30:30,992
Difficult.

587
00:30:30,994 --> 00:30:33,895
Funny berries? Just sort of
give it, get him to come over,

588
00:30:33,897 --> 00:30:37,199
"Hey, look at these funny
berries I found in your garden.

589
00:30:37,201 --> 00:30:40,134
I've had a couple. They're fine."

590
00:30:40,136 --> 00:30:44,006
Sinkhole? You hear about those big holes
that suddenly appear? Was on the news.

591
00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:47,609
Half a town's been swallowed up?
Get him into one of those towns.

592
00:30:47,611 --> 00:30:52,046
Anyway, it's all in there. You take it,
all right? It's out of my hands now, see?

593
00:30:52,048 --> 00:30:54,583
Now don't show that to Sebastian
on your way out, will you?

594
00:30:54,585 --> 00:30:56,418
I know what you're thinking.

595
00:30:56,420 --> 00:31:00,391
I've mended my bridges. This
is for you to burn yours.

596
00:31:01,525 --> 00:31:03,424
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.

597
00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:05,462
- Thank you, Fish. Get well.
- All right, good.

598
00:31:06,430 --> 00:31:07,528
Wait!

599
00:31:07,530 --> 00:31:09,230
Check it out.

600
00:31:09,232 --> 00:31:12,034
David Hasselhoff has a shellfish allergy.

601
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:14,702
- That's my phone.
- Yeah, sorry about that. I just...

602
00:31:14,704 --> 00:31:17,171
I've done learned a bit of
light-finger while I'm in here.

603
00:31:17,173 --> 00:31:19,507
Anyway, that could help
you out. Shellfish allergy.

604
00:31:19,509 --> 00:31:21,442
- Okay.
- Okay? All right. Go.

605
00:31:21,444 --> 00:31:22,510
Oh, wait.

606
00:31:22,512 --> 00:31:24,446
Here.

607
00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:28,216
Thirty "Lorazepaz," all right?

608
00:31:28,218 --> 00:31:31,486
It says on the label there do not mix with
grapefruit juice. Could cause fatal reaction.

609
00:31:31,488 --> 00:31:34,389
Might help you on your job.

610
00:31:34,391 --> 00:31:36,357
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay. Good.

611
00:31:36,359 --> 00:31:37,625
- Thank you.
- You know what I mean?

612
00:31:37,627 --> 00:31:39,529
- Yeah. Absolutely.
- Wait!

613
00:31:45,201 --> 00:31:46,434
Take that as well.

614
00:31:46,436 --> 00:31:48,605
Quick, before they see the switch.

615
00:31:50,574 --> 00:31:52,673
[coughs]

616
00:31:52,675 --> 00:31:54,678
I'm fine. [coughs]

617
00:31:56,512 --> 00:31:59,413
[Chris narrating] All right,
time to kill Hasselhoff.

618
00:31:59,415 --> 00:32:02,217
To be clear, this isn't about me.

619
00:32:02,219 --> 00:32:05,219
I'm doing society a favor.

620
00:32:05,221 --> 00:32:08,992
Okay, maybe it is about me, but
I had to gather some intel first.

621
00:32:10,493 --> 00:32:13,263
[exhaling]

622
00:32:16,099 --> 00:32:18,269
[exhaling]

623
00:32:21,171 --> 00:32:22,336
[grunts]

624
00:32:22,338 --> 00:32:24,506
Cover your gray chest hair.

625
00:32:24,508 --> 00:32:28,242
[Barry whistling] ♪ David Hasselhoff ♪

626
00:32:28,244 --> 00:32:31,278
I come bearing wonderful gifts.

627
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,782
Is your manager like
the penguin or something?

628
00:32:33,784 --> 00:32:37,318
Eight fantastic scripts.

629
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:39,453
- [clatter on floor]
- Not interested.

630
00:32:39,455 --> 00:32:42,356
What, didn't you get my e-mail last night?

631
00:32:42,358 --> 00:32:45,559
- Uh, yeah, I got it. Are you drinking again?
- No.

632
00:32:45,561 --> 00:32:47,562
No.

633
00:32:47,564 --> 00:32:49,131
No.

634
00:32:49,133 --> 00:32:51,199
So you were thinking clearly

635
00:32:51,201 --> 00:32:54,268
when you sent me that e-mail
that said two words...

636
00:32:54,270 --> 00:32:56,604
superhero musical?

637
00:32:56,606 --> 00:32:59,373
- Superhero musical?
- [Hasselhoff] Let's go down the list.

638
00:32:59,375 --> 00:33:02,209
First of all, I have the voice of an angel.

639
00:33:02,211 --> 00:33:04,746
I look phenomenal in tights.

640
00:33:04,748 --> 00:33:09,484
I'm stronger than most men, even though I
don't have superhuman strength per se, I...

641
00:33:09,486 --> 00:33:12,353
Whoa! All right! Let's
just not forget something.

642
00:33:12,355 --> 00:33:15,257
You're David Hasselhoff.
You're not Christian Bale.

643
00:33:15,259 --> 00:33:16,591
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

644
00:33:16,593 --> 00:33:18,626
Let me finish.

645
00:33:18,628 --> 00:33:24,266
- Christian Bale wishes he was David Hasselhoff.
- Thank you.

646
00:33:24,268 --> 00:33:26,767
Come on, I'm super
famous all over the world.

647
00:33:26,769 --> 00:33:29,603
I mean, hell, in half of
Europe I am a goddamn superhero.

648
00:33:29,605 --> 00:33:31,806
Barry, I know what your problem is.

649
00:33:31,808 --> 00:33:35,309
When you look at me, you see this
perfectly chiseled, tanned exterior.

650
00:33:35,311 --> 00:33:39,346
What you don't see underneath is
this complicated human heart I have.

651
00:33:39,348 --> 00:33:41,482
I want to show the world the real me.

652
00:33:41,484 --> 00:33:43,384
I want to go full Hoff.

653
00:33:43,386 --> 00:33:45,187
Just read one script! I'm begging you!

654
00:33:45,189 --> 00:33:47,288
- Please!
- Look,

655
00:33:47,290 --> 00:33:49,690
if it's a rights issue, we
could create our own superhero,

656
00:33:49,692 --> 00:33:52,561
like, um, Electric Man.

657
00:33:52,563 --> 00:33:55,263
He could shoot lightning bolts out
of his dick. [imitates gunshots]

658
00:33:55,265 --> 00:33:58,533
- [chuckles]
- It isn't a rights issue.

659
00:33:58,535 --> 00:34:01,335
- Well, what?
- Do you remember what we talked about last week?

660
00:34:01,337 --> 00:34:03,771
Attainable goals.

661
00:34:03,773 --> 00:34:05,474
Attainable.

662
00:34:05,476 --> 00:34:08,110
Barry, I have driven a talking car.

663
00:34:08,112 --> 00:34:11,713
I have saved people's lives
from mutant electric eels.

664
00:34:11,715 --> 00:34:15,349
- On TV!
- And in real life.

665
00:34:15,351 --> 00:34:16,653
Uh...

666
00:34:19,255 --> 00:34:22,389
You have an autograph signing in
two hours. Let's just focus on that.

667
00:34:22,391 --> 00:34:24,825
Because that is real.

668
00:34:24,827 --> 00:34:29,296
And I am a goddamn certified,
modern-day superhero.

669
00:34:29,298 --> 00:34:31,599
And I am going to prove it to you.

670
00:34:31,601 --> 00:34:32,804
Love you.

671
00:34:35,905 --> 00:34:37,407
Mean it.

672
00:34:38,275 --> 00:34:41,675
Hoo-ah! [exhales]

673
00:34:41,677 --> 00:34:43,780
[Chris narrating] Great. I got to kill a
man who shoots lightning out of his dick.

674
00:34:59,329 --> 00:35:01,164
- [screaming]
- Sit down.

675
00:35:02,199 --> 00:35:04,434
- Sit.
- May I?

676
00:35:06,369 --> 00:35:09,470
Please, relax. [clears throat]

677
00:35:09,472 --> 00:35:12,474
I realize this is probably a
highly unpleasant situation for you,

678
00:35:12,476 --> 00:35:15,209
so let's first do some deep breathing
so as to better center ourselves.

679
00:35:15,211 --> 00:35:16,581
What do you say?

680
00:35:17,748 --> 00:35:20,182
All right. [inhales]

681
00:35:20,184 --> 00:35:21,416
[exhales]

682
00:35:21,418 --> 00:35:22,816
[inhales]

683
00:35:22,818 --> 00:35:24,552
[exhales]

684
00:35:24,554 --> 00:35:26,287
There, all better.

685
00:35:26,289 --> 00:35:29,257
I want you to tell me
where I can find Chris Kim.

686
00:35:29,259 --> 00:35:31,392
- I don't know where he is.
- Bullshit.

687
00:35:31,394 --> 00:35:32,860
Start talking, lady.

688
00:35:32,862 --> 00:35:35,396
It's-It's the truth.

689
00:35:35,398 --> 00:35:37,599
I swear. He thinks I
slept with his best friend

690
00:35:37,601 --> 00:35:40,302
- and I haven't been able to get in touch with him.
- Who gives a fuck?

691
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:44,371
Chris tells me that you two share a joint
bank account? I would like to see that.

692
00:35:44,373 --> 00:35:48,943
It's basically empty. Chris is terrible
with money. He's in way over his head.

693
00:35:48,945 --> 00:35:51,313
Yes, he is.

694
00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:52,746
Please don't hurt him.

695
00:35:52,748 --> 00:35:54,583
Little lady,

696
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:57,418
please don't be confused
by my tranquillity.

697
00:35:57,420 --> 00:35:59,954
You're sitting with a man who
does bad things to good people.

698
00:35:59,956 --> 00:36:01,623
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

699
00:36:01,625 --> 00:36:03,525
Hey.

700
00:36:03,527 --> 00:36:06,695
You can check. There's nothing.

701
00:36:06,697 --> 00:36:08,231
My checkbook is in there. You can...

702
00:36:13,670 --> 00:36:16,503
You expect me to believe he has nothing?

703
00:36:16,505 --> 00:36:17,706
No investments? No 401K?

704
00:36:17,708 --> 00:36:19,441
IRA? Nothing at all?

705
00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:21,976
He doesn't have any investments. He's...

706
00:36:21,978 --> 00:36:25,512
I mean, unless David Hasselhoff
drops dead, he's basically destitute.

707
00:36:25,514 --> 00:36:27,349
Wait, whoa, excuse me. What was that?

708
00:36:27,351 --> 00:36:29,583
- He doesn't have any money.
- Honey, not that part.

709
00:36:29,585 --> 00:36:31,353
The talking car guy? What
are you talking about?

710
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:32,920
Hasselhoff.

711
00:36:32,922 --> 00:36:36,458
Chris is in some stupid celebrity
death pool with his friends.

712
00:36:36,460 --> 00:36:39,894
If David Hasselhoff dies, he wins
something like a half a million dollars.

713
00:36:39,896 --> 00:36:41,795
[Nick] A half mil if Hoff kicks the bucket?

714
00:36:41,797 --> 00:36:43,565
Fuck me, I want a piece of that.

715
00:36:43,567 --> 00:36:47,434
Yeah, you know what? I do too.

716
00:36:47,436 --> 00:36:50,704
All right, thank you very much for
your time. We'll see ourselves out.

717
00:36:50,706 --> 00:36:53,508
Nick, what's the name of that
place we passed on the way in?

718
00:36:53,510 --> 00:36:55,610
- Cattleman's?
- Cattleman's. Yeah. I could use a steak.

719
00:36:55,612 --> 00:36:57,811
Sounds good. Maybe a blooming' onion.

720
00:36:57,813 --> 00:36:59,380
Should I leave this closed or open?

721
00:36:59,382 --> 00:37:00,782
[sobbing]

722
00:37:00,784 --> 00:37:02,452
I'll just leave it open.

723
00:37:06,356 --> 00:37:08,392
[engine starts]

724
00:37:10,893 --> 00:37:13,894
I'll be damned if this jacket
doesn't fit just like a glove.

725
00:37:13,896 --> 00:37:18,365
- David, you look great.
- Like a second skin, Barry.

726
00:37:18,367 --> 00:37:21,536
You know, I hate to sound egotistical,
but if I was a woman, I would...

727
00:37:21,538 --> 00:37:25,039
You'd do yourself. Yes, I know.
You said that inside already.

728
00:37:25,041 --> 00:37:29,411
And honestly, buddy, there's no way to
say that without sounding egotistical.

729
00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:31,880
So you just might want to
pump the brakes on that one.

730
00:37:31,882 --> 00:37:34,416
Okay, let's get going. We're running late.

731
00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:36,617
KITT, calculate time to destination.

732
00:37:36,619 --> 00:37:38,353
[KITT] Calculating, Michael.

733
00:37:38,355 --> 00:37:42,923
Time to destination... 12
minutes, 14.63 seconds.

734
00:37:42,925 --> 00:37:45,895
Oh, no, no, I missed a spot. Oh.

735
00:37:48,331 --> 00:37:50,898
- Thanks, buddy.
- Seriously?

736
00:37:50,900 --> 00:37:52,534
How much is he paying you?

737
00:37:52,536 --> 00:37:54,469
Nothing. He...

738
00:37:54,471 --> 00:37:57,338
He's hooking me up with a part
in his superhero musical, man.

739
00:37:57,340 --> 00:38:00,342
- But there is no superhero mu...
- But there will be.

740
00:38:00,344 --> 00:38:02,077
There will be.

741
00:38:02,079 --> 00:38:04,412
KITT, engage super pursuit mode.

742
00:38:04,414 --> 00:38:06,780
Super pursuit mode engaged, Michael.

743
00:38:06,782 --> 00:38:08,383
[beeping]

744
00:38:08,385 --> 00:38:09,650
[engine revving]

745
00:38:09,652 --> 00:38:12,720
[tires squealing]

746
00:38:12,722 --> 00:38:14,358
[tires squealing]

747
00:38:20,864 --> 00:38:22,530
[Chris] If you've never been,

748
00:38:22,532 --> 00:38:25,800
let me assure you that Venice
Beach is batshit crazy.

749
00:38:25,802 --> 00:38:28,970
So if ever there was a
town where I could blend in

750
00:38:28,972 --> 00:38:31,776
and inconspicuously kill the star
of Knight Rider, this was it.

751
00:38:33,610 --> 00:38:36,478
Whoa! Spend a lot of time
in the tanning bed, huh?

752
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:38,516
[laughs] Just kidding. [laughs]

753
00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:47,590
Hi, excuse me? Can I have one large pizza?

754
00:38:51,661 --> 00:38:54,065
- Here you go. Keep the change. Thank you, sir.
- Welcome.

755
00:39:06,443 --> 00:39:07,611
Thank you very much.

756
00:39:12,181 --> 00:39:14,416
Jessica and Rose.

757
00:39:14,418 --> 00:39:16,717
Wow, you look good in that bathing suit.

758
00:39:16,719 --> 00:39:19,420
You'll never drown. [chuckles]

759
00:39:19,422 --> 00:39:22,559
There you go, Rose. Have a lovely
day, and, uh, call me later.

760
00:39:25,795 --> 00:39:27,897
I loved you as Nick Fury.

761
00:39:28,864 --> 00:39:30,532
You look just like me.

762
00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:32,166
Barry, get his number.

763
00:39:32,168 --> 00:39:36,604
If I ever want to fuck myself,
I'll give you a call. [laughs]

764
00:39:36,606 --> 00:39:38,639
Excuse me. Excuse me.

765
00:39:38,641 --> 00:39:40,874
Special delivery coming through. Excuse me.

766
00:39:40,876 --> 00:39:42,911
Barry, feeling a little dry.

767
00:39:42,913 --> 00:39:43,914
[shutter clicks]

768
00:39:47,050 --> 00:39:48,753
[sighs]

769
00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:52,920
[sighs] Next.

770
00:39:52,922 --> 00:39:54,988
Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.

771
00:39:54,990 --> 00:39:57,161
So sorry about that. I'm
sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

772
00:39:59,795 --> 00:40:01,097
Hell no! Are you trying to cut?

773
00:40:02,599 --> 00:40:04,865
I'm not trying to cut and get an autograph.

774
00:40:04,867 --> 00:40:07,901
I'm here to make a special
delivery to your overlord.

775
00:40:07,903 --> 00:40:10,771
Each of us aspires to receive
sage wisdom from The Hoff.

776
00:40:10,773 --> 00:40:12,773
- [man] Yeah!
- [woman] Yeah!

777
00:40:12,775 --> 00:40:15,809
What is with you guys?
Are you guys like a gang?

778
00:40:15,811 --> 00:40:17,479
- We're just fans, bro.
- [man] Fans.

779
00:40:17,481 --> 00:40:19,581
- Hoff army!
- Hoff army!

780
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:20,682
[all whooping]

781
00:40:20,684 --> 00:40:23,050
[laughing] Yeah!

782
00:40:23,052 --> 00:40:25,019
Dude. And, like, that's normal?

783
00:40:25,021 --> 00:40:27,088
I'm sorry. Am I not normal?

784
00:40:27,090 --> 00:40:29,590
Oh, you're very normal, Professor Clump.

785
00:40:29,592 --> 00:40:32,793
And by the way, the Fat Albert
callbacks are down the street.

786
00:40:32,795 --> 00:40:34,662
- Fat Albert? Fuck you!
- Hey, dickhead!

787
00:40:34,664 --> 00:40:36,764
What about me? Am I normal?

788
00:40:36,766 --> 00:40:38,867
More or less, Midget John Stamos.

789
00:40:38,869 --> 00:40:40,668
- I'm a dwarf, you son of a bitch!
- Hey! Hey!

790
00:40:40,670 --> 00:40:43,070
- Hey, man, fuck you!
- Hey, let me go.

791
00:40:43,072 --> 00:40:44,905
- No!
- Come on, man!

792
00:40:44,907 --> 00:40:46,574
- Go, go, go!
- Okay! Okay!

793
00:40:46,576 --> 00:40:48,141
Hey! Hey!

794
00:40:48,143 --> 00:40:49,979
[imitating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

795
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:52,780
[shouting]

796
00:40:52,782 --> 00:40:54,785
Ow! [groans]

797
00:40:57,586 --> 00:40:59,190
[yelling]

798
00:41:02,958 --> 00:41:06,226
- [shouting continues]
- Get him, Billy!

799
00:41:06,228 --> 00:41:09,063
Ladies and gentlemen, The Hoff
will take a ten-minute break,

800
00:41:09,065 --> 00:41:12,166
- and we'll be right back to sign your autographs.
- But don't worry.

801
00:41:12,168 --> 00:41:14,903
There's a huge after-party at my house.

802
00:41:14,905 --> 00:41:18,572
Um, um, excuse me. Um, could
we wrap up this beating please?

803
00:41:18,574 --> 00:41:20,008
I have other things to do today.

804
00:41:20,010 --> 00:41:21,742
- No!
- No!

805
00:41:21,744 --> 00:41:24,244
[Chris narrating] Yeah,
that worked out well.

806
00:41:24,246 --> 00:41:26,748
Obviously, I suck at murdering.

807
00:41:26,750 --> 00:41:29,820
And now my life is about to get
a whole lot more complicated.

808
00:41:34,990 --> 00:41:36,126
You Nick?

809
00:41:41,597 --> 00:41:43,130
So Redix, huh?

810
00:41:43,132 --> 00:41:45,766
What's that? First name,
last name, nickname?

811
00:41:45,768 --> 00:41:47,936
One word. Redix.

812
00:41:47,938 --> 00:41:49,704
- Like Madonna.
- Oh.

813
00:41:49,706 --> 00:41:51,842
Cher. Jewel.

814
00:41:52,943 --> 00:41:55,142
Redix.

815
00:41:55,144 --> 00:41:56,679
Oh.

816
00:41:57,914 --> 00:41:59,583
Chocolate cake. Okay.

817
00:42:02,751 --> 00:42:06,820
So, Redix, are you, uh... you up to
speed on what Wasserstein needs you to do?

818
00:42:06,822 --> 00:42:08,789
Oh, yeah, baby.

819
00:42:08,791 --> 00:42:11,659
It is a shame though. I'm
a fan of David Hasselhoff.

820
00:42:11,661 --> 00:42:13,795
- Yeah.
- He a beautiful man.

821
00:42:13,797 --> 00:42:17,599
Tall, wonderful hair, sexy motherfucker.

822
00:42:17,601 --> 00:42:19,800
Yeah. Yeah, I know what
you mean, man. Wait...

823
00:42:19,802 --> 00:42:22,637
Got, like, that Tom Selleck thing
going on, you know what I'm saying?

824
00:42:22,639 --> 00:42:24,805
Except without the Selleck 'stache.

825
00:42:24,807 --> 00:42:27,608
Could you imagine Hasselhoff
with a Selleck 'stache?

826
00:42:27,610 --> 00:42:28,645
Oh.

827
00:42:29,913 --> 00:42:31,211
Damn.

828
00:42:31,213 --> 00:42:32,981
I'm getting hard just thinking about that.

829
00:42:32,983 --> 00:42:34,148
What, are you gay?

830
00:42:34,150 --> 00:42:36,050
Yeah, you got a problem with that?

831
00:42:36,052 --> 00:42:37,751
No! I just...

832
00:42:37,753 --> 00:42:41,889
I mean, I would never... I
mean, look at... Yeah, I get it.

833
00:42:41,891 --> 00:42:44,726
You're fucking with me.
That's good. You almost got me.

834
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:47,260
Man, didn't your mom ever tell you
not to judge a book by its cover?

835
00:42:47,262 --> 00:42:49,731
- Yeah, but...
- But, but, but... but nothing.

836
00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:51,365
Let's get one thing straight.

837
00:42:51,367 --> 00:42:55,103
I'm a gigantic, rage-filled
mocha-skinned badass,

838
00:42:55,105 --> 00:42:56,938
and I kill people for a living.

839
00:42:56,940 --> 00:43:00,008
So, yeah. My cover's hard as fuck.

840
00:43:00,010 --> 00:43:04,211
But inside, it's a gay-ass book, baby.

841
00:43:04,213 --> 00:43:07,148
Now who's a motherfucker gotta
blow to get some milk around here?

842
00:43:07,150 --> 00:43:08,816
Here, take my milk.

843
00:43:08,818 --> 00:43:10,150
I ain't drinking your milk.

844
00:43:10,152 --> 00:43:11,653
- Why not?
- That's gross.

845
00:43:11,655 --> 00:43:13,086
You took my cake.

846
00:43:13,088 --> 00:43:14,655
A cake's one thing, milk's another.

847
00:43:14,657 --> 00:43:16,190
A man needs his own cup of milk.

848
00:43:16,192 --> 00:43:18,726
You put dicks in your mouth,
and you won't drink my milk?

849
00:43:18,728 --> 00:43:21,195
You pour some milk inside a
dick, I'll drink that shit.

850
00:43:21,197 --> 00:43:23,965
But I ain't drinking it
out of your nasty-ass cup.

851
00:43:23,967 --> 00:43:25,999
You people confuse the hell outta me.

852
00:43:26,001 --> 00:43:28,670
- Who, black people?
- No, gay people!

853
00:43:28,672 --> 00:43:30,338
Okay. Okay.

854
00:43:30,340 --> 00:43:33,708
I'm fine with that. That's
confusing to some people. I get it.

855
00:43:33,710 --> 00:43:36,144
[hip-hop intro]

856
00:43:36,146 --> 00:43:40,113
[Chris narrating] After having the shit
kicked out of me by those Hoff-loving carnies,

857
00:43:40,115 --> 00:43:42,316
it was time for plan B.

858
00:43:42,318 --> 00:43:43,450
♪ For real ♪

859
00:43:43,452 --> 00:43:45,086
♪ It's real ♪

860
00:43:45,088 --> 00:43:47,320
♪ I'll be throwing up The W ♪

861
00:43:47,322 --> 00:43:49,724
♪ Bow down And give
me the crown, nigga ♪

862
00:43:49,726 --> 00:43:51,958
♪ Give me the mike Y'all
ain't rockin' it right ♪

863
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,896
♪ Just-Just Bow down And
give me the crown, nigga ♪

864
00:43:54,898 --> 00:43:57,130
♪ I'm 'bout to hurt somebody's
Feelings with this ♪

865
00:43:57,132 --> 00:43:59,700
♪ You could either-either Bow down
And give me the crown, nigga ♪

866
00:43:59,702 --> 00:44:01,070
[texting]

867
00:44:05,340 --> 00:44:06,710
[chuckles]

868
00:44:08,711 --> 00:44:09,844
Hey, man, you Korean?

869
00:44:09,846 --> 00:44:11,211
Nah, Chinese, dude.

870
00:44:11,213 --> 00:44:12,650
Close enough.

871
00:44:31,735 --> 00:44:34,434
Gena Lee Nolin. You still look hot.

872
00:44:34,436 --> 00:44:37,237
- I mean, 20 years, and you still look hot.
- Thank you.

873
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:39,907
- You look the same as you did on Baywatch.
- Thank you.

874
00:44:39,909 --> 00:44:42,443
You got my money, funny boy?

875
00:44:42,445 --> 00:44:45,749
Winslow! Holy mother of God,
you scared the shit out of me.

876
00:44:49,318 --> 00:44:51,054
[no audible dialogue]

877
00:44:54,289 --> 00:44:55,759
Grapefruit juice.

878
00:45:05,300 --> 00:45:08,438
- [making noises]
- [pounding]

879
00:45:10,106 --> 00:45:11,972
I haven't... I haven't
slept in days, player.

880
00:45:11,974 --> 00:45:14,175
You know... You know what's up.

881
00:45:14,177 --> 00:45:16,814
Life in the service industry.
You know what I'm saying, player?

882
00:45:19,315 --> 00:45:21,782
[bell rings]

883
00:45:21,784 --> 00:45:24,084
♪ La-la-la ♪ Zoink!

884
00:45:24,086 --> 00:45:27,324
Gotta take care of, uh,
Mr. Jack Hoff over there.

885
00:45:29,125 --> 00:45:31,159
Jack Hoff.

886
00:45:31,161 --> 00:45:33,293
'Cause he's a jack-off.

887
00:45:33,295 --> 00:45:36,798
Do you know how many orgies this guy
ruined with his weird sound effects?

888
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:38,566
- [Hasselhoff] I mean, goddamn.
- [Winslow] Your favorite?

889
00:45:38,568 --> 00:45:40,467
- [imitating squishing noises]
- Oh, please.

890
00:45:40,469 --> 00:45:42,003
- Oh, God.
- [moans]

891
00:45:42,005 --> 00:45:44,070
Mr. Hasselhoff, I know you don't indulge...

892
00:45:44,072 --> 00:45:46,440
Yeah, thank you, thank you,
thank you. Everybody, listen up!

893
00:45:46,442 --> 00:45:48,543
- [imitates zipping noise]
- A toast!

894
00:45:48,545 --> 00:45:51,579
They say in life, there are no second acts.

895
00:45:51,581 --> 00:45:53,313
And what do I say to them?

896
00:45:53,315 --> 00:45:55,048
Fuck Hoff!

897
00:45:55,050 --> 00:45:57,217
[laughs]

898
00:45:57,219 --> 00:46:00,086
Sometimes there's five acts and the finale

899
00:46:00,088 --> 00:46:02,423
and then an encore!

900
00:46:02,425 --> 00:46:04,193
To the encore!

901
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:13,568
[imitates zipping noise] Robot needs juice.

902
00:46:13,570 --> 00:46:16,103
[Hasselhoff] Do you ever stop?

903
00:46:16,105 --> 00:46:17,974
[Winslow gulping]

904
00:46:24,614 --> 00:46:27,081
Is there anyone at this
party I actually like?

905
00:46:27,083 --> 00:46:28,182
[chuckling]

906
00:46:28,184 --> 00:46:29,550
[Nolin] Me?

907
00:46:29,552 --> 00:46:31,488
[Hasselhoff] How about a three-way?

908
00:46:40,630 --> 00:46:42,329
Rick Fox.

909
00:46:42,331 --> 00:46:45,066
The most attractive man in the NBA.

910
00:46:45,068 --> 00:46:47,568
David Hasselhoff. The most
attractive man in Hollywood.

911
00:46:47,570 --> 00:46:49,871
[laughs] Hoff and the Fox.

912
00:46:49,873 --> 00:46:51,238
Yeah. Fox and The Hoff.

913
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:52,409
[laughing]

914
00:46:56,246 --> 00:46:59,112
Well, see you around.

915
00:46:59,114 --> 00:47:01,916
- All right. Let's do this again sometime.
- Okay.

916
00:47:01,918 --> 00:47:04,084
[woman] Rick, over here.

917
00:47:04,086 --> 00:47:06,220
Caitlyn Jenner.

918
00:47:06,222 --> 00:47:07,889
You haven't changed a bit.

919
00:47:07,891 --> 00:47:09,389
Come here, you old motherfucker.

920
00:47:09,391 --> 00:47:12,028
[dance music playing]

921
00:47:15,998 --> 00:47:18,965
[Winslow] I need everybody's attention!

922
00:47:18,967 --> 00:47:20,166
Uh...

923
00:47:20,168 --> 00:47:21,437
[imitating electronic noises]

924
00:47:23,572 --> 00:47:25,275
No, no, no, no!

925
00:47:31,047 --> 00:47:32,282
[yells] Oh, my God!

926
00:47:34,083 --> 00:47:35,282
Save him!

927
00:47:35,284 --> 00:47:36,516
Weren't you a lifeguard?

928
00:47:36,518 --> 00:47:39,019
No. No, I just played one on TV.

929
00:47:39,021 --> 00:47:41,255
Better save him, David.
It's a huge liability.

930
00:47:41,257 --> 00:47:43,090
Oh! Ah!

931
00:47:43,092 --> 00:47:44,193
Shit.

932
00:47:45,994 --> 00:47:49,396
♪ Some people stand
In the darkness ♪

933
00:47:49,398 --> 00:47:53,967
♪ Afraid to step
Into the light ♪

934
00:47:53,969 --> 00:47:57,406
♪ Some people need
To help somebody ♪

935
00:47:59,108 --> 00:48:00,974
Why is he running in slow motion?

936
00:48:00,976 --> 00:48:04,045
♪ Don't you worry ♪

937
00:48:04,047 --> 00:48:06,617
♪ It's gonna be all right ♪

938
00:48:09,985 --> 00:48:12,452
♪ I'll be ready ♪

939
00:48:12,454 --> 00:48:14,220
♪ I'll be ready ♪

940
00:48:14,222 --> 00:48:16,190
♪ Never you fear ♪

941
00:48:16,192 --> 00:48:18,559
♪ No, don't you fear ♪

942
00:48:18,561 --> 00:48:21,329
♪ I'll be ready ♪

943
00:48:21,331 --> 00:48:24,699
♪ Forever and always ♪

944
00:48:24,701 --> 00:48:27,367
♪ I'm always here ♪

945
00:48:27,369 --> 00:48:29,603
All right. Okay. All right.

946
00:48:29,605 --> 00:48:32,039
Oh. Okay. All right.

947
00:48:32,041 --> 00:48:34,608
One, two, three, four, five, breathe.

948
00:48:34,610 --> 00:48:36,476
He's not breathing. I need some help.

949
00:48:36,478 --> 00:48:39,313
Little man, come here and help me.
When I say breathe, you breathe.

950
00:48:39,315 --> 00:48:41,514
One, two, three, four, five, breathe!

951
00:48:41,516 --> 00:48:43,016
[blows air]

952
00:48:43,018 --> 00:48:45,086
One, two, three, four,
five. Breathe, little man.

953
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,722
One, two, three, four, five.
Come on, Michael, come on.

954
00:48:47,724 --> 00:48:49,423
Oh! Oh.

955
00:48:49,425 --> 00:48:51,157
- [gagging]
- Oh, yeah.

956
00:48:51,159 --> 00:48:53,226
Oh, no.

957
00:48:53,228 --> 00:48:54,561
Oh, whoa. He's choking.

958
00:48:54,563 --> 00:48:57,130
Hang on. I got you, I got you.

959
00:48:57,132 --> 00:48:59,200
Oh!

960
00:48:59,202 --> 00:49:00,467
- Huh!
- [coughing]

961
00:49:00,469 --> 00:49:02,369
- Huh!
- [spits]

962
00:49:02,371 --> 00:49:05,373
All right. Little man,
you okay? [chuckling]

963
00:49:05,375 --> 00:49:06,474
- [applause]
- Barry?

964
00:49:06,476 --> 00:49:09,342
Where the hell have you been, huh?

965
00:49:09,344 --> 00:49:12,512
I just saved two people's lives.
You're in there getting a hand-job.

966
00:49:12,514 --> 00:49:15,782
You are fired for the next
five minutes, until I calm down.

967
00:49:15,784 --> 00:49:18,288
[chanting] Hoff! Hoff! Hoff!

968
00:49:21,023 --> 00:49:24,025
I think the Black Keys got their
name from this toy keyboard.

969
00:49:24,027 --> 00:49:26,494
Which is odd. The White Keys,
you never hear about them.

970
00:49:26,496 --> 00:49:29,195
That'd be a bigger group. They
must have come here at some point.

971
00:49:29,197 --> 00:49:30,264
Focus.

972
00:49:30,266 --> 00:49:32,032
Foc... I'm in the focus group.

973
00:49:32,034 --> 00:49:33,666
No, no, no. What's going on?

974
00:49:33,668 --> 00:49:35,101
I'm focusing.

975
00:49:35,103 --> 00:49:37,070
N-Now. Now, what's going on?

976
00:49:37,072 --> 00:49:39,206
Yesterday we had soup, but it was off.

977
00:49:39,208 --> 00:49:42,075
Although they said it was seafood
chowder. I think it was just off.

978
00:49:42,077 --> 00:49:45,112
Tonight it's Scrabble night. I'm the only
one playing. Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff.

979
00:49:45,114 --> 00:49:47,148
And always line up your
slippers at the foot of your bed.

980
00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:49,215
- Go back.
- Line up your slippers?

981
00:49:49,217 --> 00:49:52,353
Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff.
I gotta go find Hoff's house.

982
00:49:52,355 --> 00:49:55,155
No, he's gonna kill
Hassel... I tried to stop him!

983
00:49:55,157 --> 00:49:57,460
But I may have given him some murder ideas.

984
00:49:59,295 --> 00:50:01,095
Sebastian, they weren't meant for you.

985
00:50:01,097 --> 00:50:02,762
They were not meant for you.

986
00:50:02,764 --> 00:50:05,298
They were meant for you, but we changed.

987
00:50:05,300 --> 00:50:07,471
We're a mended bridge.

988
00:50:08,637 --> 00:50:10,106
Do you like the Black Keys?

989
00:50:15,577 --> 00:50:17,346
[yawns]

990
00:51:04,527 --> 00:51:05,795
- [record scratches]
- Barry!

991
00:51:07,195 --> 00:51:09,463
Hi, David.

992
00:51:09,465 --> 00:51:11,898
Hey, you really gotta read this script.

993
00:51:11,900 --> 00:51:13,867
It's about the guy that
found Toys for Tits.

994
00:51:13,869 --> 00:51:15,536
Tots!

995
00:51:15,538 --> 00:51:17,204
Toys for Tots.

996
00:51:17,206 --> 00:51:18,771
Toys for Tits. That's a better title.

997
00:51:18,773 --> 00:51:20,773
Now, that's a script I'd read.

998
00:51:20,775 --> 00:51:22,342
[laughing]

999
00:51:22,344 --> 00:51:28,315
[hip-hop intro]

1000
00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:32,353
[Chris narrating] Okay, so nothing
I tried was working to off The Hoff.

1001
00:51:32,355 --> 00:51:34,220
This guy just won't die.

1002
00:51:34,222 --> 00:51:36,159
So I had to resort to
more drastic measures.

1003
00:51:39,362 --> 00:51:42,432
Excuse me, little girl, do you
know of any Glocks in the area?

1004
00:51:49,539 --> 00:51:52,873
Hi. Hi, excuse me?

1005
00:51:52,875 --> 00:51:54,878
- Hi. Hi.
- [brakes squealing]

1006
00:51:56,378 --> 00:51:57,845
'Sup, bro? Can I help you, man?

1007
00:51:57,847 --> 00:51:59,412
Uh, yeah, I would, um...

1008
00:51:59,414 --> 00:52:00,813
I'd... [sighs]

1009
00:52:00,815 --> 00:52:03,383
[chuckling] I don't
know how to phrase this.

1010
00:52:03,385 --> 00:52:05,219
Phrase what, amigo?

1011
00:52:05,221 --> 00:52:06,720
Um...

1012
00:52:06,722 --> 00:52:08,255
Uh, uh... Spit it out, bro.

1013
00:52:08,257 --> 00:52:10,858
A-A gun. I-I need a gun.

1014
00:52:10,860 --> 00:52:12,193
- A gun?
- Oh!

1015
00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:14,695
You're asking me for a gun!

1016
00:52:14,697 --> 00:52:17,630
You assume because I'm Latino and I'm
walking down the street, that what?

1017
00:52:17,632 --> 00:52:19,432
I just know where you can get a gun, bro?

1018
00:52:19,434 --> 00:52:21,668
Okay, when you put it
that way, I understand...

1019
00:52:21,670 --> 00:52:23,970
[speaking Spanish]

1020
00:52:23,972 --> 00:52:26,472
You're in my heart, bro.

1021
00:52:26,474 --> 00:52:29,242
I like to think that in this day
and age, with the color of my skin,

1022
00:52:29,244 --> 00:52:31,711
it doesn't dictate whether or not
I know where you can buy a gun.

1023
00:52:31,713 --> 00:52:33,447
No, it's not about the color of your...

1024
00:52:33,449 --> 00:52:36,483
[speaking Spanish]

1025
00:52:36,485 --> 00:52:38,221
An empanada recipe? Let me guess.

1026
00:52:40,989 --> 00:52:43,691
Please don't stab me in
the neck, I'm a bleeder.

1027
00:52:43,693 --> 00:52:45,228
[snickers]

1028
00:52:46,795 --> 00:52:48,561
[guffaws] Got you!

1029
00:52:48,563 --> 00:52:50,831
Homie, I'm just messing with you, bro.

1030
00:52:50,833 --> 00:52:54,001
I'm work-shopping my Latino accent.

1031
00:52:54,003 --> 00:52:56,503
Check it, check it, check it, check it.

1032
00:52:56,505 --> 00:52:58,805
- I'm an actor.
- Oh!

1033
00:52:58,807 --> 00:53:00,876
Yeah, Big Time
Rush, you ever see that?

1034
00:53:02,577 --> 00:53:03,911
No. No.

1035
00:53:03,913 --> 00:53:05,545
No? Fuck it.

1036
00:53:05,547 --> 00:53:09,383
Look, um, I am now
selling guns as my day-job.

1037
00:53:09,385 --> 00:53:10,918
- Oh, how wonderful.
- Yeah.

1038
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:13,019
I love it when actors get work.

1039
00:53:13,021 --> 00:53:14,921
Yeah, man, do you have $300?

1040
00:53:14,923 --> 00:53:17,825
Sorry. I have $200.

1041
00:53:17,827 --> 00:53:19,994
$200. Look, uh, I'll make it work.

1042
00:53:19,996 --> 00:53:21,695
Meet me around the corner, all right?

1043
00:53:21,697 --> 00:53:22,632
Sí.

1044
00:53:27,769 --> 00:53:28,704
Bye, vato.

1045
00:53:30,840 --> 00:53:33,539
David. Do I have to even ask?

1046
00:53:33,541 --> 00:53:37,478
My superhero is a master of swords.

1047
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:39,045
Swordsmith.

1048
00:53:39,047 --> 00:53:40,748
Is that a word?

1049
00:53:40,750 --> 00:53:42,048
Swordsmith?

1050
00:53:42,050 --> 00:53:45,385
There is no superhero musical.

1051
00:53:45,387 --> 00:53:47,923
Maybe not now, but there will be. Pull!

1052
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:52,829
Pull!

1053
00:53:55,998 --> 00:53:57,831
Oh!

1054
00:53:57,833 --> 00:54:00,704
There is no superhero musical.

1055
00:54:07,309 --> 00:54:09,876
[Chris narrating] Okay, I'm
running out of options and time.

1056
00:54:09,878 --> 00:54:11,679
I need to get close to Hoff again.

1057
00:54:11,681 --> 00:54:13,914
Gotta love social media.

1058
00:54:13,916 --> 00:54:16,318
Nice photo, you well-coiffed prick.

1059
00:54:23,759 --> 00:54:24,860
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

1060
00:54:27,563 --> 00:54:28,999
[video ringing]

1061
00:54:34,070 --> 00:54:35,601
Can I help you?

1062
00:54:35,603 --> 00:54:37,371
Yeah, is this Mr. Hasselhoff?

1063
00:54:37,373 --> 00:54:39,373
Depends on who the fuck you are.

1064
00:54:39,375 --> 00:54:41,008
Um, I'm-I'm Chris.

1065
00:54:41,010 --> 00:54:42,575
From Bird Oasis.

1066
00:54:42,577 --> 00:54:44,778
I know you normally
come into the office,

1067
00:54:44,780 --> 00:54:48,349
but we had some issues with this employee
who worked on your two cockatoos last.

1068
00:54:48,351 --> 00:54:50,416
You know, I don't mean to
cause any alarm, but...

1069
00:54:50,418 --> 00:54:52,985
This employee wasn't doing
anything sexual, was he?

1070
00:54:52,987 --> 00:54:55,121
What? No, no.

1071
00:54:55,123 --> 00:54:57,791
That's a really weird conclusion to draw.

1072
00:54:57,793 --> 00:55:00,661
No, there's just been some
issues with the medications.

1073
00:55:00,663 --> 00:55:02,929
We just decided to do some
house-calls on our very important...

1074
00:55:02,931 --> 00:55:04,630
All right. Come on in.

1075
00:55:04,632 --> 00:55:06,368
- Thank you.
- [gate beeping]

1076
00:55:13,442 --> 00:55:17,378
[man speaking foreign language in speakers]

1077
00:55:17,380 --> 00:55:19,746
[laughs]

1078
00:55:19,748 --> 00:55:21,414
[speaking German]

1079
00:55:21,416 --> 00:55:22,883
That means "how are you" in German.

1080
00:55:22,885 --> 00:55:24,450
You say "gut."

1081
00:55:24,452 --> 00:55:25,619
Gut.

1082
00:55:25,621 --> 00:55:30,157
That means "good." Come on in.

1083
00:55:30,159 --> 00:55:31,925
Gorgeous. Who is she?

1084
00:55:31,927 --> 00:55:33,559
- Oh, that's me.
- Gut.

1085
00:55:33,561 --> 00:55:34,994
- Okay.
- Ahh!

1086
00:55:34,996 --> 00:55:37,030
- Beautiful room.
- Oh, thanks.

1087
00:55:37,032 --> 00:55:40,633
I had it custom-built for my
babies here, Dolce and Gabbana.

1088
00:55:40,635 --> 00:55:42,536
You look familiar.

1089
00:55:42,538 --> 00:55:44,604
[squawking]

1090
00:55:44,606 --> 00:55:47,474
Yeah, I'm Chris from Bird Oasis.

1091
00:55:47,476 --> 00:55:49,142
No, no.

1092
00:55:49,144 --> 00:55:50,512
It's the mouth.

1093
00:55:52,047 --> 00:55:54,180
I'm, uh...

1094
00:55:54,182 --> 00:55:57,583
I-I do some mouth modeling.

1095
00:55:57,585 --> 00:55:59,452
- Crest Whitestrips commercial.
- Okay.

1096
00:55:59,454 --> 00:56:01,688
[laughs] Damn, I'm good.

1097
00:56:01,690 --> 00:56:04,657
You were good in that
commercial too. Great mouth.

1098
00:56:04,659 --> 00:56:08,795
Anyway, make yourself at home and take
care of my babies. Call me if you need me.

1099
00:56:08,797 --> 00:56:10,764
♪ Hoff stuff, baby
Want some Hoff stuff ♪

1100
00:56:10,766 --> 00:56:11,968
[laughs]

1101
00:56:16,038 --> 00:56:17,470
Free at last!

1102
00:56:17,472 --> 00:56:19,773
Kill The Hoff, kill
The Hoff, kill The Hoff,

1103
00:56:19,775 --> 00:56:22,943
kill The Hoff, kill The Hoff... huh?

1104
00:56:22,945 --> 00:56:23,980
Nothing?

1105
00:56:26,047 --> 00:56:28,548
I'm glad we had this talk, Dolce.

1106
00:56:28,550 --> 00:56:30,550
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah,
I gotta kill your boss.

1107
00:56:30,552 --> 00:56:32,084
[squawks]

1108
00:56:32,086 --> 00:56:34,657
Let's do this shit. I'm gonna do this.

1109
00:56:42,565 --> 00:56:44,998
[speakers: man singing in German]

1110
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:46,668
[bell rings]

1111
00:56:48,838 --> 00:56:51,137
[Chris narrating] What
the fuck am I doing?

1112
00:56:51,139 --> 00:56:56,145
[singing in German]

1113
00:57:00,148 --> 00:57:02,014
[singing continues]

1114
00:57:02,016 --> 00:57:04,952
[sighs] I can't...

1115
00:57:04,954 --> 00:57:06,487
- Put down the gun, Chris.
- [screams]

1116
00:57:06,489 --> 00:57:07,887
- [gunshot]
- Jesus Christ!

1117
00:57:07,889 --> 00:57:10,023
[singing continues]

1118
00:57:10,025 --> 00:57:11,027
Did you hear that?

1119
00:57:12,628 --> 00:57:15,262
David, I think I heard a gunshot.

1120
00:57:15,264 --> 00:57:17,697
Barry, it's just the TV.

1121
00:57:17,699 --> 00:57:19,599
Relax, bro.

1122
00:57:19,601 --> 00:57:20,967
Read your scripts.

1123
00:57:20,969 --> 00:57:23,503
[sighs]

1124
00:57:23,505 --> 00:57:25,938
- What are you doing here?
- Trying to stop you from shooting that thing.

1125
00:57:25,940 --> 00:57:27,541
You're making a huge mistake.

1126
00:57:27,543 --> 00:57:29,742
You fucking Ann was a huge mistake.

1127
00:57:29,744 --> 00:57:33,646
I told you I didn't have sex with
her. It was Susan, her roommate.

1128
00:57:33,648 --> 00:57:36,148
I told you I wanted to
fuck her like 45 times.

1129
00:57:36,150 --> 00:57:38,117
Ahh! She's engaged. Yes, I know.

1130
00:57:38,119 --> 00:57:40,186
And you know what? I don't care.

1131
00:57:40,188 --> 00:57:43,289
I saw Annie half-naked
in her apartment with you!

1132
00:57:43,291 --> 00:57:46,226
Unfortunate, yes, that she was
coming out of the shower at that time,

1133
00:57:46,228 --> 00:57:49,862
but you of all fucking people
should understand a crazy mishap.

1134
00:57:49,864 --> 00:57:51,932
- Do you need proof?
- I don't need fucking proof.

1135
00:57:51,934 --> 00:57:53,766
Well, look at the... Whoa.

1136
00:57:53,768 --> 00:57:57,037
Whoa, wow. That is a lot
of piercings for one vagina.

1137
00:57:57,039 --> 00:57:58,738
- Look.
- [chokes]

1138
00:57:58,740 --> 00:58:00,673
Happy? Happy?

1139
00:58:00,675 --> 00:58:01,708
Now, it's this way.

1140
00:58:01,710 --> 00:58:02,976
Ann's angry...

1141
00:58:02,978 --> 00:58:04,746
Angry. Yeah.

1142
00:58:05,981 --> 00:58:08,315
What the fuck am I thinking, dude?

1143
00:58:08,317 --> 00:58:09,251
[whirring]

1144
00:58:10,753 --> 00:58:12,689
[humming]

1145
00:58:18,793 --> 00:58:20,096
[whirring stops]

1146
00:58:24,833 --> 00:58:26,970
- [birds squawking]
- Gotta get the fuck out of here.

1147
00:58:28,304 --> 00:58:29,802
Oh, shit.

1148
00:58:29,804 --> 00:58:31,737
Fuck! Large guy with a Glock.

1149
00:58:31,739 --> 00:58:34,173
- Was that part of your plan?
- This is my first murder, dude.

1150
00:58:34,175 --> 00:58:36,610
I'm just making shit up as I go along, man.

1151
00:58:36,612 --> 00:58:38,579
I really fucked up.

1152
00:58:38,581 --> 00:58:40,746
Man, I just... I fucked up.

1153
00:58:40,748 --> 00:58:43,050
We're all gonna fucking die.
We're all gonna fucking die.

1154
00:58:43,052 --> 00:58:44,584
Don't be a fatalistic little bitch.

1155
00:58:44,586 --> 00:58:46,586
We'll get you the money somehow.

1156
00:58:46,588 --> 00:58:48,054
Ann still loves you, asshole, okay?

1157
00:58:48,056 --> 00:58:50,157
So screw your debt, screw the club.

1158
00:58:50,159 --> 00:58:52,092
She loves you. That's all that matters.

1159
00:58:52,094 --> 00:58:53,128
Let's get out of here.

1160
00:58:55,597 --> 00:58:57,831
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Shit!

1161
00:58:57,833 --> 00:58:58,999
- Oh!
- Oh, okay.

1162
00:58:59,001 --> 00:59:00,867
Don't shoot. Nobody shoot.

1163
00:59:00,869 --> 00:59:02,235
Says the fool with the Ginsu.

1164
00:59:02,237 --> 00:59:04,237
Who the fuck are you?

1165
00:59:04,239 --> 00:59:06,005
Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are we?

1166
00:59:06,007 --> 00:59:07,874
Hey, Chris.

1167
00:59:07,876 --> 00:59:10,209
We've come to help you off The Hoff.

1168
00:59:10,211 --> 00:59:12,244
And we're gonna take all that cash money.

1169
00:59:12,246 --> 00:59:14,947
I can't wait to kill
some people up in here.

1170
00:59:14,949 --> 00:59:17,918
Hey, you can't kill me because if you do,

1171
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:20,354
I can't collect the
money to pay Wasserstein.

1172
00:59:20,356 --> 00:59:23,356
I bet you could still collect the
money missing some of your fingers.

1173
00:59:23,358 --> 00:59:26,726
But then the money would have blood all
over and who wants to have bloody money?

1174
00:59:26,728 --> 00:59:28,028
Shut the fuck up. You got jokes?

1175
00:59:28,030 --> 00:59:30,296
No. No, no.

1176
00:59:30,298 --> 00:59:33,266
Please, don't make me pull the trigger.

1177
00:59:33,268 --> 00:59:35,635
- You just call me nigga?
- What? No!

1178
00:59:35,637 --> 00:59:37,838
- Because it sounded like you said nigga.
- No, no, no!

1179
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,273
I said don't make me pull the nigga!

1180
00:59:40,275 --> 00:59:41,842
- Ah, trigger!
- Nigga?

1181
00:59:41,844 --> 00:59:43,943
I heard it that time for sure.

1182
00:59:43,945 --> 00:59:45,845
I'll shoot the first white motherfucker...

1183
00:59:45,847 --> 00:59:47,847
[all shouting]

1184
00:59:47,849 --> 00:59:50,249
That's what I'll do! I swear!

1185
00:59:50,251 --> 00:59:51,784
Everybody stop saying nigga!

1186
00:59:51,786 --> 00:59:53,019
Hey, what's going on?

1187
00:59:53,021 --> 00:59:55,188
- Oh!
- Oh, what, wait.

1188
00:59:55,190 --> 00:59:56,356
Whoa, oh.

1189
00:59:56,358 --> 00:59:58,758
Oh, oh! Oh, I get it.

1190
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:01,228
You're looking for Ted Nugent's house.

1191
01:00:01,230 --> 01:00:02,896
That's two doors down.

1192
01:00:02,898 --> 01:00:04,664
Happens all the time.

1193
01:00:04,666 --> 01:00:06,666
If you like, I'll walk you over.

1194
01:00:06,668 --> 01:00:08,235
Yeah, you're not in charge, Hoff.

1195
01:00:08,237 --> 01:00:10,704
Little Asian guy over there is in charge.

1196
01:00:10,706 --> 01:00:12,738
Specifically in charge
of what happens to you.

1197
01:00:12,740 --> 01:00:14,273
Well, what's going to happen to me?

1198
01:00:14,275 --> 01:00:16,443
You know what? That's
a pretty fair question.

1199
01:00:16,445 --> 01:00:17,778
Here's the thing, Hoff.

1200
01:00:17,780 --> 01:00:19,079
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1201
01:00:19,081 --> 01:00:21,248
Listen, tough guy.

1202
01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:24,717
You want something to do with my
client, you gotta go through me.

1203
01:00:24,719 --> 01:00:25,786
With pleasure.

1204
01:00:25,788 --> 01:00:27,688
Whoa!

1205
01:00:27,690 --> 01:00:28,988
Ohh!

1206
01:00:28,990 --> 01:00:31,793
Ah! He shot me in the foot!

1207
01:00:32,827 --> 01:00:34,728
- Oh!
- Ooh, it's in there deep.

1208
01:00:34,730 --> 01:00:36,429
Run!

1209
01:00:36,431 --> 01:00:38,798
Oh! Oh, my God!

1210
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:40,434
He's so much more handsome in person.

1211
01:00:40,436 --> 01:00:42,101
So tall.

1212
01:00:42,103 --> 01:00:45,972
Ooh, my foot hurts but
my heart feels great.

1213
01:00:45,974 --> 01:00:49,175
Would you stop thinking with your dick and
go after him? I'll get those two assholes.

1214
01:00:49,177 --> 01:00:51,311
My bad, my bad. You're right, you're right.

1215
01:00:51,313 --> 01:00:53,213
[groaning]

1216
01:00:53,215 --> 01:00:55,282
Ohh!

1217
01:00:55,284 --> 01:00:58,452
Ooh, you fuckers!

1218
01:00:58,454 --> 01:00:59,856
[growls]

1219
01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,224
Where's your car?

1220
01:01:04,226 --> 01:01:05,391
- I Uber'd it.
- Uber'd it?

1221
01:01:05,393 --> 01:01:06,395
Who Uber's to a murder?

1222
01:01:07,329 --> 01:01:09,195
[screams]

1223
01:01:09,197 --> 01:01:11,398
[Tommy] Fuck! Shit! That was our only gun!

1224
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:12,902
Jesus, motherfucker.

1225
01:01:20,909 --> 01:01:21,844
Drop it.

1226
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:27,150
Oh, shit. I'm fucked.

1227
01:01:29,952 --> 01:01:32,351
What do you people want with me, anyway?

1228
01:01:32,353 --> 01:01:35,287
I've never done anything to anybody.

1229
01:01:35,289 --> 01:01:38,492
I got half a million reasons.
And they all green, baby.

1230
01:01:38,494 --> 01:01:42,061
[chuckles] This is about money?

1231
01:01:42,063 --> 01:01:44,463
You put a hit out on The Hoff for money?

1232
01:01:44,465 --> 01:01:47,302
Wha... W-Wha...

1233
01:01:48,871 --> 01:01:51,137
Memorabilia, you know,
it's quite a big thing.

1234
01:01:51,139 --> 01:01:53,405
I got... I got bathing
suits from Baywatch.

1235
01:01:53,407 --> 01:01:56,142
I stole one from every one of
the girls from the dressing rooms.

1236
01:01:56,144 --> 01:01:58,912
Yeah. Yeah, I-I got the
Knight Rider car outside.

1237
01:01:58,914 --> 01:02:01,046
You know, KITT? You could
sell KITT. Lot of money.

1238
01:02:01,048 --> 01:02:03,349
- Lot of money for KITT, yeah.
- Hey, man, I like all that shit.

1239
01:02:03,351 --> 01:02:05,418
- I'm a fan. I am.
- Good.

1240
01:02:05,420 --> 01:02:07,954
But I work for a greedy
motherfucker that wants you dead.

1241
01:02:07,956 --> 01:02:10,389
So, yeah, I love Baywatch.

1242
01:02:10,391 --> 01:02:13,793
Knight Rider, that was my jam.

1243
01:02:13,795 --> 01:02:15,394
- Oh.
- When I was 16 years old,

1244
01:02:15,396 --> 01:02:17,164
I taped three pieces of red licorice

1245
01:02:17,166 --> 01:02:19,099
on the dashboard of my Toyota Celica,

1246
01:02:19,101 --> 01:02:22,202
drove around like I was Michael
Knight on adventures and shit.

1247
01:02:22,204 --> 01:02:26,173
I flew my ass to Gutenberg, Germany,
to watch you perform two nights.

1248
01:02:26,175 --> 01:02:29,075
- Both nights you blew the roof off.
- Thank you. Thank you.

1249
01:02:29,077 --> 01:02:31,110
- Amazing show!
- Thank you.

1250
01:02:31,112 --> 01:02:33,546
- Every Fräulein in that spot had her panties wet.
- Yeah.

1251
01:02:33,548 --> 01:02:35,816
- I didn't want to leave Germany.
- Okay.

1252
01:02:35,818 --> 01:02:36,916
I get it. Thank you.

1253
01:02:36,918 --> 01:02:38,517
But I got a job to do.

1254
01:02:38,519 --> 01:02:41,387
So turn that candy-ass around.

1255
01:02:41,389 --> 01:02:42,824
Wha...

1256
01:02:43,891 --> 01:02:46,092
Don't give me those baby blues.

1257
01:02:46,094 --> 01:02:48,260
Don't you do it.

1258
01:02:48,262 --> 01:02:50,095
Don't give me that winning smile.

1259
01:02:50,097 --> 01:02:51,998
Don't you dare.

1260
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:54,034
Turn that ass around!

1261
01:02:54,036 --> 01:02:57,304
[inhales sharply] Yeah, real slow, like.

1262
01:02:57,306 --> 01:02:58,938
Oh, good God.

1263
01:02:58,940 --> 01:03:00,606
Look at that back.

1264
01:03:00,608 --> 01:03:03,242
[inhales sharply] So shiny.

1265
01:03:03,244 --> 01:03:05,211
Look like a planetarium.

1266
01:03:05,213 --> 01:03:07,179
[inhales sharply]

1267
01:03:07,181 --> 01:03:11,083
I just want to fly my rocket
ship through your space.

1268
01:03:11,085 --> 01:03:13,519
[inhales] I'll tell you what.

1269
01:03:13,521 --> 01:03:15,988
Another time, another place,

1270
01:03:15,990 --> 01:03:18,291
I'd tear that ass up.

1271
01:03:18,293 --> 01:03:20,193
- [screams]
- Oh, yeah, baby.

1272
01:03:20,195 --> 01:03:21,528
[groans]

1273
01:03:21,530 --> 01:03:22,829
- That's what I'm talking about.
- I wouldn't...

1274
01:03:22,831 --> 01:03:27,166
Just look out at the water, think
about saving some buxom bitch.

1275
01:03:27,168 --> 01:03:29,135
W-Wha... What?

1276
01:03:29,137 --> 01:03:31,972
Can I ask you a question?

1277
01:03:31,974 --> 01:03:35,443
You ever thought about
growing a Selleck 'stache?

1278
01:03:37,445 --> 01:03:40,112
[Nick groans] Ha!

1279
01:03:40,114 --> 01:03:42,581
Days like this make life worth living.

1280
01:03:42,583 --> 01:03:45,117
I gotta be honest with you guys.

1281
01:03:45,119 --> 01:03:47,920
I've never killed anyone
in a house this nice.

1282
01:03:47,922 --> 01:03:51,157
Hey, you want to be a reality TV star?

1283
01:03:51,159 --> 01:03:54,026
I can make that happen.

1284
01:03:54,028 --> 01:03:55,362
[both scream]

1285
01:03:55,364 --> 01:03:58,498
The-The... The The Real
Hit Man of Los Angeles.

1286
01:03:58,500 --> 01:04:02,302
Just drop the gun. I'll
set the whole thing up.

1287
01:04:02,304 --> 01:04:06,338
I hate reality shows. I'm
more of a scripted guy.

1288
01:04:06,340 --> 01:04:07,543
[screams]

1289
01:04:09,510 --> 01:04:10,545
One...

1290
01:04:13,382 --> 01:04:15,215
[groans] Fuck!

1291
01:04:15,217 --> 01:04:16,485
Dang, fucking teeth!

1292
01:04:17,619 --> 01:04:19,387
Chris!

1293
01:04:20,255 --> 01:04:22,391
[yells]

1294
01:04:25,393 --> 01:04:26,592
[laughs]

1295
01:04:26,594 --> 01:04:28,463
You killed my best friend!

1296
01:04:32,067 --> 01:04:34,202
You piece of shit.

1297
01:04:36,038 --> 01:04:38,206
[panting]

1298
01:04:44,112 --> 01:04:46,648
This ends right fucking now.

1299
01:04:48,449 --> 01:04:51,486
Yes, it does, cocksucker!

1300
01:04:53,121 --> 01:04:55,387
Don't rape me.

1301
01:04:55,389 --> 01:04:59,124
I mean, kill me first and then
you can rape me, that's okay.

1302
01:04:59,126 --> 01:05:02,095
Fool! Do I look like a rapist to you?

1303
01:05:02,097 --> 01:05:03,662
I don't rape nobody.

1304
01:05:03,664 --> 01:05:06,333
I make love to my puppies.

1305
01:05:06,335 --> 01:05:08,735
Arf-arf.

1306
01:05:08,737 --> 01:05:11,003
Hey...

1307
01:05:11,005 --> 01:05:12,674
When you're backed into a corner...

1308
01:05:14,309 --> 01:05:16,278
when life pushes you in one direction...

1309
01:05:18,347 --> 01:05:20,682
and your heart tells you to
go in another direction...

1310
01:05:21,983 --> 01:05:23,450
You gotta dig deep.

1311
01:05:23,452 --> 01:05:24,453
Yeah.

1312
01:05:25,721 --> 01:05:27,686
Find the courage to make the right choice.

1313
01:05:27,688 --> 01:05:29,521
Yeah. You do.

1314
01:05:29,523 --> 01:05:31,090
It may not be easy.

1315
01:05:31,092 --> 01:05:32,224
No.

1316
01:05:32,226 --> 01:05:35,095
But easy ain't always right.

1317
01:05:35,097 --> 01:05:37,262
[sighs]

1318
01:05:37,264 --> 01:05:39,532
It's episode 213 of Baywatch.

1319
01:05:39,534 --> 01:05:42,434
- "Crack Crack goes the Waves."
- Yeah.

1320
01:05:42,436 --> 01:05:46,271
When Hobie bought all that crack and was
smoking it with the kids at the beach.

1321
01:05:46,273 --> 01:05:48,340
Started hoein' out the other girls.

1322
01:05:48,342 --> 01:05:51,478
You had to yell at him.
You gave him that speech.

1323
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,045
I wrote that scene.

1324
01:05:53,047 --> 01:05:56,081
Oh, man, I'm so conflicted.

1325
01:05:56,083 --> 01:05:58,117
- I don't know what to do.
- Okay.

1326
01:05:58,119 --> 01:06:01,688
Do I kill you or do I
make sweet love to you?

1327
01:06:01,690 --> 01:06:03,523
Is there another choice?

1328
01:06:03,525 --> 01:06:07,126
Those are the only two
choices we got, baby.

1329
01:06:07,128 --> 01:06:11,130
Either I murder you right
here, or I murder that ass.

1330
01:06:11,132 --> 01:06:13,599
- No, I...
- I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

1331
01:06:13,601 --> 01:06:16,038
I'll tell you what you're not
going to do! Kill my best friend!

1332
01:06:17,172 --> 01:06:19,338
[Redix] Oh, man!

1333
01:06:19,340 --> 01:06:21,307
- Get the fuck out of here!
- [yelps]

1334
01:06:21,309 --> 01:06:23,175
- Oh!
- Ohh!

1335
01:06:23,177 --> 01:06:27,046
Damn it, Redix. You're letting your
dick get in the way of your gun.

1336
01:06:27,048 --> 01:06:29,182
You need to kill this beautiful man.

1337
01:06:29,184 --> 01:06:31,184
Fuck this shit.

1338
01:06:31,186 --> 01:06:35,155
Yeah. Fuck... this... shit.

1339
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:39,059
[sucks teeth] Didn't anybody ever tell
you not to bring a knife to a gunfight?

1340
01:06:39,061 --> 01:06:41,327
Didn't anyone ever tell you

1341
01:06:41,329 --> 01:06:44,066
not to hassle The Hoff?

1342
01:07:14,862 --> 01:07:16,628
[screams]

1343
01:07:16,630 --> 01:07:18,697
The dick! You shot me in the dick!

1344
01:07:18,699 --> 01:07:21,403
[groaning]

1345
01:07:23,737 --> 01:07:24,838
You okay?

1346
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:26,242
You saved my life.

1347
01:07:27,208 --> 01:07:29,409
You okay?

1348
01:07:29,411 --> 01:07:31,811
Yeah. Bullet just grazed my head, I think.

1349
01:07:31,813 --> 01:07:34,313
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait.

1350
01:07:34,315 --> 01:07:35,250
Not yet.

1351
01:07:36,751 --> 01:07:38,120
Fuck.

1352
01:07:41,755 --> 01:07:43,822
You pulled a ninja sword off the wall,

1353
01:07:43,824 --> 01:07:46,758
dared a black man with a
gun to shoot you in the face,

1354
01:07:46,760 --> 01:07:49,162
then you deflected the bullet like a fly!

1355
01:07:49,164 --> 01:07:51,264
I ain't gonna lie.

1356
01:07:51,266 --> 01:07:54,400
That's the sexiest shit
I've seen in my life.

1357
01:07:54,402 --> 01:07:55,735
Don't shoot him please!

1358
01:07:55,737 --> 01:07:59,238
Shoot him? I'm about to
suck Michael Knight's dick!

1359
01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:01,541
Y'all should have seen the shit I just saw!

1360
01:08:01,543 --> 01:08:05,177
It was like MacGyver fucked
Batman with Iron Man's dick!

1361
01:08:05,179 --> 01:08:07,213
- I quit.
- [gun clatters on floor]

1362
01:08:07,215 --> 01:08:09,249
Barry, you hear that? Batman.

1363
01:08:09,251 --> 01:08:10,450
Superhero.

1364
01:08:10,452 --> 01:08:12,251
And this nigga can sing.

1365
01:08:12,253 --> 01:08:14,686
The musical, I'm telling you,
I know what I'm talking about!

1366
01:08:14,688 --> 01:08:17,357
Get on the phone, call the
heads of all the studios,

1367
01:08:17,359 --> 01:08:19,392
this is gonna be huge!

1368
01:08:19,394 --> 01:08:21,227
You disgust me.

1369
01:08:21,229 --> 01:08:22,928
[Redix] No, no, don't
shoot him. Don't shoot him!

1370
01:08:22,930 --> 01:08:26,201
[Tommy] Chris! No!

1371
01:08:27,601 --> 01:08:29,604
[distorted] Chris!

1372
01:08:30,671 --> 01:08:31,840
[panting]

1373
01:08:34,442 --> 01:08:35,578
Freeze!

1374
01:08:36,444 --> 01:08:38,178
Fish?

1375
01:08:38,180 --> 01:08:39,478
How did you get here?

1376
01:08:39,480 --> 01:08:41,513
I got a ride here with
my new friend Sebastian.

1377
01:08:41,515 --> 01:08:43,751
If you even think about blinking...

1378
01:08:45,287 --> 01:08:46,755
[coughing]

1379
01:08:49,390 --> 01:08:51,590
Hoff didn't die, right? [panting]

1380
01:08:51,592 --> 01:08:53,358
Keep freezing.

1381
01:08:53,360 --> 01:08:55,394
- [Chris] I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1382
01:08:55,396 --> 01:08:57,196
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

1383
01:08:57,198 --> 01:08:58,600
I'm sor...

1384
01:09:00,935 --> 01:09:02,367
Chris!

1385
01:09:02,369 --> 01:09:03,338
Chris!

1386
01:09:04,372 --> 01:09:05,938
Chris!

1387
01:09:05,940 --> 01:09:07,807
[coughs] I'm still alive. I'm still alive.

1388
01:09:07,809 --> 01:09:09,576
- I'm still sorry.
- I'm still alive.

1389
01:09:09,578 --> 01:09:11,311
- We're both sorry.
- I was about to fall asleep.

1390
01:09:11,313 --> 01:09:12,579
Did you blink?

1391
01:09:12,581 --> 01:09:14,214
- Ow, man.
- Be honest.

1392
01:09:14,216 --> 01:09:16,549
When I turned away, did you blink?

1393
01:09:16,551 --> 01:09:18,317
Y'all got a dick Band-Aid or some shit?

1394
01:09:18,319 --> 01:09:19,354
[Chris coughing]

1395
01:09:33,501 --> 01:09:34,436
Ann?

1396
01:09:36,971 --> 01:09:40,542
My family wants to have
me committed, but...

1397
01:09:43,244 --> 01:09:45,247
I have a little surprise for you.

1398
01:09:49,384 --> 01:09:51,517
What are you doing here?

1399
01:09:51,519 --> 01:09:54,320
I tried to kill you like... two times.

1400
01:09:54,322 --> 01:09:55,557
But you didn't.

1401
01:09:56,524 --> 01:09:57,956
You saved my life.

1402
01:09:57,958 --> 01:09:59,759
And in the process, man,

1403
01:09:59,761 --> 01:10:01,931
Jesus, you almost got yourself killed.

1404
01:10:04,733 --> 01:10:06,402
[sighs]

1405
01:10:08,369 --> 01:10:09,305
How you feeling?

1406
01:10:12,707 --> 01:10:13,973
Lucky.

1407
01:10:13,975 --> 01:10:15,040
Really, really lucky.

1408
01:10:15,042 --> 01:10:16,675
Oh, you didn't hear.

1409
01:10:16,677 --> 01:10:19,012
That Wasserstein guy. He's dead.

1410
01:10:19,014 --> 01:10:20,780
[laughs]

1411
01:10:20,782 --> 01:10:23,616
When the Hoff army found
out he put a hit on me,

1412
01:10:23,618 --> 01:10:25,751
he didn't stand a chance.

1413
01:10:25,753 --> 01:10:27,452
You know, I am not surprised.

1414
01:10:27,454 --> 01:10:30,455
They are an especially aggressive bunch.

1415
01:10:30,457 --> 01:10:32,991
That midget, that red-headed man...

1416
01:10:32,993 --> 01:10:36,629
Chris, Tommy came to me and explained
everything about the death pool.

1417
01:10:36,631 --> 01:10:39,799
I've decided to invest some money
in the club and help you renovate it.

1418
01:10:39,801 --> 01:10:41,968
On one condition.

1419
01:10:41,970 --> 01:10:44,440
You stop playing the death pool.

1420
01:10:45,407 --> 01:10:47,540
You're right.

1421
01:10:47,542 --> 01:10:50,543
You're absolutely right.
I am so sorry, David.

1422
01:10:50,545 --> 01:10:53,745
And I officially withdraw
from the death pool.

1423
01:10:53,747 --> 01:10:55,748
That's my man.

1424
01:10:55,750 --> 01:10:58,017
You got a girl named Ann
sitting right next to you

1425
01:10:58,019 --> 01:11:00,419
who loves you more than you deserve.

1426
01:11:00,421 --> 01:11:01,956
Don't let her regret it.

1427
01:11:03,824 --> 01:11:05,558
I won't.

1428
01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:07,727
And I love you.

1429
01:11:07,729 --> 01:11:09,498
I love you too.

1430
01:11:10,398 --> 01:11:12,331
Well.

1431
01:11:12,333 --> 01:11:14,269
Looks like my work here is done.

1432
01:11:17,905 --> 01:11:19,475
[dance music playing]

1433
01:11:22,976 --> 01:11:25,111
[Chris narrating] All's
well that ends well, right?

1434
01:11:25,113 --> 01:11:27,946
Fish is now out of the mental ward,
Tommy didn't have sex with Ann,

1435
01:11:27,948 --> 01:11:30,383
and I don't owe anyone any money.

1436
01:11:30,385 --> 01:11:32,018
And David Hasselhoff?

1437
01:11:32,020 --> 01:11:34,853
Let's be honest. That guy's
gonna outlive all of us.

1438
01:11:34,855 --> 01:11:36,822
Kid Cudi.

1439
01:11:36,824 --> 01:11:40,660
Whoa, shit, David fucking
Hasselhoff. How are you, man?

1440
01:11:40,662 --> 01:11:42,495
- You look awesome.
- You do too.

1441
01:11:42,497 --> 01:11:44,930
- You just don't fucking age.
- No, neither do you.

1442
01:11:44,932 --> 01:11:48,134
Ladies, listen. Everything I know
about crushing pussy and solving crimes,

1443
01:11:48,136 --> 01:11:49,835
I learned from Michael Knight himself.

1444
01:11:49,837 --> 01:11:51,603
- And that's the truth.
- Yes, yes.

1445
01:11:51,605 --> 01:11:53,638
- Hey.
- Oh, wait.

1446
01:11:53,640 --> 01:11:56,675
- Oh, you still remember our secret handshake?
- Oh, of course.

1447
01:11:56,677 --> 01:11:58,777
Boom! In the holster.

1448
01:11:58,779 --> 01:11:59,946
You still got it.

1449
01:11:59,948 --> 01:12:01,613
Like a disease.

1450
01:12:01,615 --> 01:12:03,081
Yeah. Ladies? Enjoy the night.

1451
01:12:03,083 --> 01:12:05,084
Cudi? Enjoy the ladies.

1452
01:12:05,086 --> 01:12:06,718
[laughs]

1453
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:08,589
Can't believe this, dude.

1454
01:12:12,761 --> 01:12:14,693
It's so fucking crazy.

1455
01:12:14,695 --> 01:12:16,595
I don't deserve this.

1456
01:12:16,597 --> 01:12:18,865
Hey, you took a bullet to the chest.

1457
01:12:18,867 --> 01:12:20,633
You deserve this.

1458
01:12:20,635 --> 01:12:23,068
I think we're the luckiest
people in the world.

1459
01:12:23,070 --> 01:12:25,871
I love you so much.

1460
01:12:25,873 --> 01:12:27,773
Come on, you guys, there's people watching.

1461
01:12:27,775 --> 01:12:28,974
Hey, Tommy.

1462
01:12:28,976 --> 01:12:31,544
Lot of top-shelf pussy here tonight.

1463
01:12:31,546 --> 01:12:34,179
You know, I could get used
to running a club like this.

1464
01:12:34,181 --> 01:12:36,449
It's a lot of fun, you know?

1465
01:12:36,451 --> 01:12:40,186
There's no memorizing lines,
no cars or chicks upstaging me.

1466
01:12:40,188 --> 01:12:41,920
I like it!

1467
01:12:41,922 --> 01:12:45,057
Hey, Chris, you gonna change
your pick for the death pool?

1468
01:12:45,059 --> 01:12:46,558
Nope, I'm out.

1469
01:12:46,560 --> 01:12:48,593
No more death pool.

1470
01:12:48,595 --> 01:12:50,763
I got everything I need right here.

1471
01:12:50,765 --> 01:12:52,531
And I don't have anything against David.

1472
01:12:52,533 --> 01:12:54,599
I respect him.

1473
01:12:54,601 --> 01:12:56,736
You find somebody to take my spot?

1474
01:12:56,738 --> 01:12:58,603
Don't worry. We got a guy.

1475
01:12:58,605 --> 01:13:01,441
- [announcer] Can I have Chris Kim to the stage?
- I'm sorry. Showtime.

1476
01:13:01,443 --> 01:13:02,909
- Bye.
- Chris Kim to the stage.

1477
01:13:02,911 --> 01:13:04,977
Who took Chris' spot in the pool?

1478
01:13:04,979 --> 01:13:06,849
Oh, well...

1479
01:13:09,818 --> 01:13:10,950
I did.

1480
01:13:10,952 --> 01:13:12,951
No way. Who did you pick?

1481
01:13:12,953 --> 01:13:14,687
I picked myself.

1482
01:13:14,689 --> 01:13:16,656
[laughing]

1483
01:13:16,658 --> 01:13:19,862
We all gotta die someday. Might as
well make a few bucks on it, huh?

1484
01:13:22,729 --> 01:13:23,830
- Cheers!
- Cheers!

1485
01:13:23,832 --> 01:13:24,932
Yeah, yeah.

1486
01:13:28,903 --> 01:13:32,938
I'd like to welcome everybody to
the grand reopening of Habitat!

1487
01:13:32,940 --> 01:13:34,009
Huh? Give it up!

1488
01:13:38,645 --> 01:13:40,912
Okay.

1489
01:13:40,914 --> 01:13:43,549
I'm so excited. I want to
introduce my new friend,

1490
01:13:43,551 --> 01:13:45,116
my new business partner,

1491
01:13:45,118 --> 01:13:46,952
and hell, he's my new fucking idol,

1492
01:13:46,954 --> 01:13:48,856
David Hasselhoff!

1493
01:13:51,059 --> 01:13:52,724
Thank you! Thank you very much!

1494
01:13:52,726 --> 01:13:53,961
Give it up for Chris Kim!

1495
01:13:57,030 --> 01:13:58,964
I must admit...

1496
01:13:58,966 --> 01:14:02,101
I must admit I haven't known him very long,

1497
01:14:02,103 --> 01:14:05,071
and at first, uh, he
actually wanted me dead.

1498
01:14:05,073 --> 01:14:06,839
[nervous laugh]

1499
01:14:06,841 --> 01:14:10,509
But when it counted most,
he had my very toned back.

1500
01:14:10,511 --> 01:14:13,979
So this goes out to all the lovers

1501
01:14:13,981 --> 01:14:17,016
and all the creamers and all the screamers.

1502
01:14:17,018 --> 01:14:18,617
[light cheering]

1503
01:14:18,619 --> 01:14:22,588
To you and to Chris Kim.

1504
01:14:22,590 --> 01:14:23,789
Hit it, Joey.

1505
01:14:23,791 --> 01:14:25,092
[dance pop intro]

1506
01:14:29,663 --> 01:14:32,665
[Hasselhoff] Oh, come on
now. We're gonna crush it.

1507
01:14:32,667 --> 01:14:34,700
You know I'm gonna crush you.

1508
01:14:34,702 --> 01:14:36,134
[laughs]

1509
01:14:36,136 --> 01:14:37,672
Here we go now. Come on.

1510
01:14:40,942 --> 01:14:44,210
♪ You know I crush it
Almost all the time ♪

1511
01:14:44,212 --> 01:14:48,680
♪ Not just a pretty face
I got a brilliant mind ♪

1512
01:14:48,682 --> 01:14:52,285
♪ Of course I got haters
But I don't got time ♪

1513
01:14:52,287 --> 01:14:57,089
♪ They don't matter to me
Because the world is mine ♪

1514
01:14:57,091 --> 01:15:00,559
♪ I can't lose
Because I don't quit ♪

1515
01:15:00,561 --> 01:15:01,827
♪ So get out of my face ♪

1516
01:15:01,829 --> 01:15:05,830
♪ Because you know that
I'll be crushing it ♪

1517
01:15:05,832 --> 01:15:08,569
♪ You know I'm
fucking crushing it ♪

1518
01:15:09,871 --> 01:15:13,039
Damn, I'm fucking crushing it.

1519
01:15:13,041 --> 01:15:16,107
♪ I crush it down ♪ I
crush it down packed ♪

1520
01:15:16,109 --> 01:15:20,111
♪ Rolling in my '64 With
the bitches in the back ♪

1521
01:15:20,113 --> 01:15:23,749
♪ If you try to step with me
I'm going to have to attack ♪

1522
01:15:23,751 --> 01:15:25,017
- Look out!
- ♪ Now tell me ♪

1523
01:15:25,019 --> 01:15:28,787
- ♪ What you going to do About that? ♪
- Oh!

1524
01:15:28,789 --> 01:15:32,124
♪ I can't lose
Because I don't quit ♪

1525
01:15:32,126 --> 01:15:34,259
♪ So get out of my way ♪

1526
01:15:34,261 --> 01:15:36,762
♪ Because you know that
I'll be crushing it ♪

1527
01:15:36,764 --> 01:15:40,700
♪ Oh, I'm crushing it ♪

1528
01:15:40,702 --> 01:15:42,168
♪ Ooh ♪

1529
01:15:42,170 --> 01:15:44,903
♪ Oh, I'm crushing it ♪

1530
01:15:44,905 --> 01:15:48,174
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ You know I'm fucking crushing it ♪

1531
01:15:48,176 --> 01:15:50,276
♪ Ooh ♪

1532
01:15:50,278 --> 01:15:52,611
♪ Damn I'm fucking crushing it ♪

1533
01:15:52,613 --> 01:15:54,813
- Everybody!
- [cheering]

1534
01:15:54,815 --> 01:15:56,715
♪ The Hoff is crushing it ♪

1535
01:15:56,717 --> 01:15:59,050
♪ Oh ♪

1536
01:15:59,052 --> 01:16:00,251
♪ The Hoff is crushing it ♪

1537
01:16:00,253 --> 01:16:02,153
Oh, yeah!

1538
01:16:02,155 --> 01:16:04,824
♪ You know The Hoff
is crushing it ♪

1539
01:16:04,826 --> 01:16:08,326
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- Goddamn, he's fucking crushing it.

1540
01:16:08,328 --> 01:16:10,862
Oh, baby, oh.

1541
01:16:10,864 --> 01:16:13,165
♪ The Hoff is crushing it down ♪

1542
01:16:13,167 --> 01:16:15,134
♪ Yeah ♪

1543
01:16:15,136 --> 01:16:17,803
♪ The Hoff is crushing it down ♪

1544
01:16:17,805 --> 01:16:20,639
- Oh!
- [Hasselhoff] Do it, little man.

1545
01:16:20,641 --> 01:16:26,678
♪ Ooh ♪

1546
01:16:26,680 --> 01:16:31,651
♪ Ooh, crushing it down ♪

1547
01:16:31,653 --> 01:16:33,652
♪ He's crushing it down ♪

1548
01:16:33,654 --> 01:16:35,189
[music stops]

1549
01:16:41,194 --> 01:16:42,794
[KITT] Where to, David?

1550
01:16:42,796 --> 01:16:44,796
Wherever there's injustice.

1551
01:16:44,798 --> 01:16:47,266
Wherever there's someone in need of a hero.

1552
01:16:47,268 --> 01:16:49,268
Wherever there are women.

1553
01:16:49,270 --> 01:16:51,070
I could use a tune-up, David.

1554
01:16:51,072 --> 01:16:53,705
[laughs] Whatever you like, pal.

1555
01:16:53,707 --> 01:16:57,108
The night is young, and I'm ready to roll.

1556
01:16:57,110 --> 01:17:00,178
Well, guess Hasselhoff is the man.

1557
01:17:00,180 --> 01:17:01,379
No, no, no.

1558
01:17:01,381 --> 01:17:03,250
Hasselhoff is the fucking man.

1559
01:17:04,918 --> 01:17:06,885
[engine starts]

1560
01:17:06,887 --> 01:17:08,086
Turbo boost?

1561
01:17:08,088 --> 01:17:09,256
Turbo boost engaged.

1562
01:17:10,190 --> 01:17:11,726
[engine revs]

1563
01:17:19,132 --> 01:17:21,032
- Okay. You're good.
- [crying]

1564
01:17:21,034 --> 01:17:22,201
- You're good.
- I'm fine.

1565
01:17:22,203 --> 01:17:24,135
Yeah. Look at you. Have you...

1566
01:17:24,137 --> 01:17:26,071
Have you... Have you gained weight?

1567
01:17:26,073 --> 01:17:27,873
- That's a good look on you.
- Yeah.

1568
01:17:27,875 --> 01:17:31,177
- I love that.
- I've been drinking.

1569
01:17:31,179 --> 01:17:32,777
That's why I'm here.

1570
01:17:32,779 --> 01:17:35,313
I'm looking for him. I'm
searching around, you know.

1571
01:17:35,315 --> 01:17:39,151
[laughs]

1572
01:17:39,153 --> 01:17:41,920
- Let me try...
- No!

1573
01:17:41,922 --> 01:17:44,423
- [grunts]
- Let's push it through the other side.

1574
01:17:44,425 --> 01:17:46,392
Oh, no! Don't push it
through the other side!

1575
01:17:46,394 --> 01:17:48,928
I actually made a list

1576
01:17:48,930 --> 01:17:50,361
of the ways I want to kill him.

1577
01:17:50,363 --> 01:17:53,331
Leeches?

1578
01:17:53,333 --> 01:17:56,302
Or we could go to the Amazon?

1579
01:17:56,304 --> 01:17:58,036
Come for a quick trip there.

1580
01:17:58,038 --> 01:18:01,807
Don't-Don't wear your trousers.

1581
01:18:01,809 --> 01:18:03,742
Rack of wedding dresses.

1582
01:18:03,744 --> 01:18:05,945
[laughs] What the fuck happened?

1583
01:18:05,947 --> 01:18:08,013
Get after him! Get after him.

1584
01:18:08,015 --> 01:18:09,749
I need a second to be alone.

1585
01:18:09,751 --> 01:18:11,416
Ah!

1586
01:18:11,418 --> 01:18:13,218
Ah, come on.

1587
01:18:13,220 --> 01:18:14,986
Come on.

1588
01:18:14,988 --> 01:18:16,421
Come on!

1589
01:18:16,423 --> 01:18:20,159
God! Oh, God. That's it.

1590
01:18:20,161 --> 01:18:22,061
Um, Freddie Mercury... Oh, no.

1591
01:18:22,063 --> 01:18:24,830
- [laughs]
- That should just say "mercury."

1592
01:18:24,832 --> 01:18:26,331
Or I kill you

1593
01:18:26,333 --> 01:18:31,336
or we have sex right on this
cow-ass carpet right here.

1594
01:18:31,338 --> 01:18:32,838
I think, uh...

1595
01:18:32,840 --> 01:18:34,205
That's from Rawhide.

1596
01:18:34,207 --> 01:18:37,876
- And...
- Oh, it's going to get raw hide.

1597
01:18:37,878 --> 01:18:40,545
- No, it's...
- We 'bout to gets raw hide up in here.

1598
01:18:40,547 --> 01:18:42,848
That's a lot of money. No... [stammering]

1599
01:18:42,850 --> 01:18:45,384
There's a lot of things in
my house that are worth...

1600
01:18:45,386 --> 01:18:47,852
I want you to put a lot
of things in my house.

1601
01:18:47,854 --> 01:18:50,156
When I say "house" I mean my asshole.

1602
01:18:50,158 --> 01:18:51,857
- Whoa, whoa.
- Yeah.

1603
01:18:51,859 --> 01:18:55,126
Were you... Were you ever imprisoned?

1604
01:18:55,128 --> 01:18:56,361
Voluntarily.

1605
01:18:56,363 --> 01:18:59,397
Vol... Voluntarily! [laughs]

1606
01:18:59,399 --> 01:19:01,567
The Hoff! We're going to kill The Hoff.

1607
01:19:01,569 --> 01:19:04,969
We're going to kill him, and maybe eat him.

1608
01:19:04,971 --> 01:19:06,539
No? Too much.

1609
01:19:06,541 --> 01:19:08,941
[crew laughing]

1610
01:19:08,943 --> 01:19:10,409
Ruptured appendix.

1611
01:19:10,411 --> 01:19:11,977
[laughs]

1612
01:19:11,979 --> 01:19:14,112
Not funny. He's going to die with that.

1613
01:19:14,114 --> 01:19:16,518
Just subtly rupture his appendix.

1614
01:19:18,386 --> 01:19:22,955
- Um, put a tie on too tight.
- [snickers]

1615
01:19:22,957 --> 01:19:25,290
Whoop! Got to go the wedding.
I'll help you with that!

1616
01:19:25,292 --> 01:19:26,291
Fuck, he's dead.

1617
01:19:26,293 --> 01:19:29,294
Oh! God!

1618
01:19:29,296 --> 01:19:32,565
It fucking didn't work!

1619
01:19:32,567 --> 01:19:34,900
[crew laughing]

1620
01:19:34,902 --> 01:19:36,936
Fat man's hugs.

1621
01:19:36,938 --> 01:19:38,269
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1622
01:19:38,271 --> 01:19:40,238
We're just having fun at the end there.

1623
01:19:40,240 --> 01:19:42,074
What the fuck?

1624
01:19:42,076 --> 01:19:45,510
Those are the only two
choices we got, baby.

1625
01:19:45,512 --> 01:19:48,379
- No, there's got to be another choice.
- Nah, man.

1626
01:19:48,381 --> 01:19:50,415
Either I murder you right here,

1627
01:19:50,417 --> 01:19:52,418
or I murder that ass.

1628
01:19:52,420 --> 01:19:54,053
There's... There's got to...

1629
01:19:54,055 --> 01:19:57,055
- Let's think of a third choice together.
- I ain't got one.

1630
01:19:57,057 --> 01:19:58,557
- Please.
- Things come in twos.

1631
01:19:58,559 --> 01:19:59,991
No, I...

1632
01:19:59,993 --> 01:20:01,893
No, they don't. They do?

1633
01:20:01,895 --> 01:20:04,530
Only... [laughs] Things come...

1634
01:20:04,532 --> 01:20:09,067
- Bullfight. Okay, dress up as a bull.
- [laughs]

1635
01:20:09,069 --> 01:20:12,103
Sink hole. You hear about those
big holes that suddenly appear.

1636
01:20:12,105 --> 01:20:14,607
It was on the news. Half
a town's been swallowed up.

1637
01:20:14,609 --> 01:20:16,474
Get him into one of those towns.

1638
01:20:16,476 --> 01:20:18,309
- [laughs]
- Oh, fuck you.

1639
01:20:18,311 --> 01:20:19,611
No, no, wait.

1640
01:20:19,613 --> 01:20:22,149
[crew laughing]

1641
01:20:24,153 --> 01:20:29,153
Subtitles by explosiveskull

1642
01:20:29,155 --> 01:20:31,022
Ah, acting.

1643
01:20:31,024 --> 01:20:32,491
Somebody has to do it.

1644
01:20:32,493 --> 01:20:35,030
[crew laughing]