reflection for 2015

Reflection for 2015:

	Hello, My name is ahamplan or Leo, whichever you know me as, I kinda want to do this quick reflection on 2016 before I go to visit some family over at Europe at their ranch where they have no internet, which is lovely...
But besides that I am very excited to go to visit them at their house and meet up with very old family members and relatives! It's a great experience whenever I go so I am happy overall.

Some of the things that go through my head when I think of 2015, the first thing that comes to mind is change, a lot has changed for me in 2015, first and foremost is when I came back from visiting, I wanted to be a better person, live with a new mindset, one that I had for such a long time and just for some reason abandoned it. From what I believe is one I adopted from my old friends. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, allow me to explain to you.

Basically, once I met these so called "friends" is what I referred to them at the time, we always had a very good time with one another and it was all pretty much like normal, and in fact I was actually really happy to make friends, since I never really had a good friends since I moved away from my old town and lost my friend Richard. I always looked up to other people, striving to be more like them, to basically "fit in" which in my high school was sorta the main thing going around during the time I was there.As time went on I had a friend, and he was basically my only real friend that I consistently was always around and he was Tyler. He was a good kid, I'll give him that, he never was really a mean, or rude individual, and seemed like a gentle giant at first. But after only a year, for some reason, something about him changed, he was incredibly rude to me, and made several racist remarks towards me, thinking it was some sort of joke, and again in High School, what do you expect. And to make it even worse, this was back when I was losing weight so it definitely didn't make me feel any better about myself. This led me to develop sort of this sour,nasty personality towards others, and making myself believe it was ok to be mean to other people and generally not regard their feelings. This carried on me for almost 3 years, and luckily left before I went on twitch, otherwise I personally think I would have never found any of you, or maybe even twitch in general. I left a bad impression on my classmates and teachers hanging out with these people, many of them thought I was a thug or something, and considering I was taking all honors/ap/ib this was not a good image for me to have around, and a lot of people refrained from talking to me cause of this correlation they had with me. So obviously this upset me to a pretty strong degree, and I guess you can say I fell into an emotional depression. I was not feeling good any day after 10th grade, I was always constantly battling thoughts of what to do next, whether it was the right thing to do or not, and if I should do certain things to appeal to any friends I had to get a cheap laugh. I was also incredibly disrespectful towards my family, I was mean to my brother, my parents, and I just never appreciated anything I did from anyone in general. I felt like a terrible person in high school, and I had very bad thoughts go through my head, and of course I remembered that a permanent solution does not solve a temporary problem. So what could have I done to do prevent any of this from continuing on. I had to change my personality, do my best to be the nice and sweet guy I was known for. I did terrible things, ranging from learning from them to ddos people all the way to making people cry and have legal actions taken towards some of us(not me luckily enough). I would say besides being very unethical, I did gain vast knowledge that I do use to this day, not ddosing of course, but more valuable information such as not being involved in life threatening situations where it can actually harm someone. I do have a lot of information about them, and I keep it in the back of my pocket, and there are times where I just say to myself to show all their personal information, address and all, but why would I stoop to their level, its not my job to teach them to be a better person, and what would that make me. Not any better than them so I never will do it, no matter how much they hurt me to this day with all their threats and such. And at this point, this was one of the biggest transitions of my life to me.

Come middle 2015, I basically decided to ignore any hateful comments coming from these lunatics, which is what I should have done in the first place. And you know what now that I think about, its good that I parted ways with them, they ended up using drugs, and I ain't bout that life, and they even tried to get me to try it, so honestly fuck them, over it. Back to what I was talking about, entering june/july, I was pretty stoked for my birthday since well, idk it's my birthday I guess, I was also excited to get back to school, and meet new people, and just a new environment. My work was also getting pretty exhausting, long hours, too many people to deal with, and it was sorta boring. So I was just working off to get my school stuff paid off, and sure enough my stuff did paid off so I was pretty happy. And by the time of my birthday, no one was there, I woke up and no one was home, no one called, no messages, only a few people knew but regardless, I was alone. I do have autophobia (fear of being egotistical, alone, isolated), so on that day, I felt very nervous, did anyone remember, I didn't care so much for a party, nor presents, not anything, I'm old enough, but the thought of saying hello to someone wouldn't hurt, right? I did stream on my birthday to kind of fill in the void and I did stop early because my family finally came home, from an entire day of fishing from 7am-8pm, which is ridiculous. And of course we all got into a huge argument that lasted for a few hours, and I just went to sleep, crying. There was no point in continuing that day, I felt like complete crap. I eventually got over it since my parents did eventually apologize. Then the following month, I started school, and for some reason I actually like going back, it was a different environment and new people to meet and I was excited to learn for once. I basically improved all aspects of me when August began and it felt like a completely new world. Me and my parents were finally getting along. Friends were generally nice and fun to hang out with. It was a good experience. And then hanging out in general with people in twitch was also very nice, I met captsamerica, and she was super cool, I wish I could have attended sgdq 2015, cause that would have been pretty sweet, but of course due to family issues money was pretty tight, but I do expect to attend in 2016, so hopefully I can meet a bunch of you, and this sorta correlates to this I guess very mixed feeling sort of idea.

I never really ran albw or anything for a community, to get fame, fortune, friends, or really anything. I ran the games I did just because I liked the games for what they were. I never cared for rank 1, I never cared for competition, I never cared for world record or anything like that. I kept to myself, created small goals, and developed my own way to play the game that I would find the most enjoyable while still playing at a very nice pace. Think of this, how can you climb 8 stairs without going over the first one, you will only struggle or even fall and hurt yourself. It helped me make smaller goals to improve on, I have a 2:16, goal was 2:15, had a 1:31, goal was 1:30. Small increments go a long way to help you improve yourself, even in real life situations. Don't do all your math homework in one night, do a few problems a day, so you don't overload yourself on the day that it is due. And this part of the reflection is here for runners who are worried about getting good times or getting world record or whatever. Don't sweat it, do what you want to do, you choose what game you want to run, and you play the game you want to cause you like the game, if all else fails, play that game for what you like, not for what you want, it will help you greatly, and I apologize if you just can't get into this mindset, its for video games, not for the Olympics. And I know it's hard to get into this mindset trust me, it took a long time for me to realize what I really loved playing video games was for, I played them so I can enjoy them, why get mad or upset at something you love, would you get mad at your mom just because she didn't you that candy bar at that store?

I have also many concerns I guess with my relationships with some people, throughout 2015, I have been with several people, I knew tons of people from all sorts of different groups, and I have learned a lot. I have always wanted to learn from more people, learn about who they are, what they wanted to be, it was so interesting to me. I enjoyed talking to everyone I have, it gave me several perspectives. A lot of the people I have met I have made special relationships, I can safely say they are my friends, which is really nice. I am grateful as I have said to many of you, and cannot express the appreciation I have to pretty much everyone, despite if they hate me or not. I do want to apologize for expressing so much I guess depression in terms of voice, text, or being annoying if I wanted to talk with you constantly. It was a mistake and I wish I could just it all back. Honestly, venting it out this way is much better for me, since I am not the greatest at talking unless its about something really stupid. And it was pretty hard letting go of my older "friends", they still to this day stalk me on my social media stuff, message me with pms, sometimes even whispers, give me threats, death treats, hateful comments, and other wonderful stuff, and I think honestly this was for the better for me, I have been basically desensitized to the hateful stuff a long time ago, and I have learned to deal with this sort of trolling, if you would call it that, and just in general I just ignored them. Trolls seek attention, they want to see reactions, you getting frustrated or mad, or just talking back to them. Not doing any of those, made them stop recently , they do occasionally show up, but I do not give them the time of my day. It's pointless, a waste of energy and time for everyone.

I digress, coming to the end of the year, I have realized a ton of stuff, some of the stuff has been good and some of the stuff has been bad. For one, the good thing is that I have been much more happy, I am happy to say that I am actually happy for once in my life, it still is stressful, but I still of course experience sadness but not to the point of depression. This was one of my goals to improve myself overall, and I feel like I have accomplished it. I have never really completed any goals, or in general I just put them off to the side and say " I'll do it later", but I do want to stop this old habit, and actually keep my will power and my determination to a good limit so I can do my goals one step at a time. I also want to become a lot less self-centered, you may not think it, but trust me I am very selfish, my finances are terribly kept when it doesn't go towards school, I tend to just eat whatever I want no matter how hungry I'm feeling, I talk to my parents they way that will get my what I want or need from a situation, and I am not being a great of a person. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a little bit selfish and doing some of your wants, but I do it all the time and I am sick of it honestly, I will stop accepting donations, I will start being much more friendly towards people at times, but I will also increase a lot of other stuff, I am a very sarcastic person, and to some my sense of humor can be hurtful or just plain weird, and I'm sorry for that, but that is just the type of person I am, I do tend to complain or trash talk a lot of people, but at the end of the day, I care for everyone, I don't want anyone to get hurt, and I don't want any conflict with anyone, cause why would I want conflict over the internet, nothing will get solved.

As for speedrun goals, I honestly give up learning on anything that is not on the 3ds, its just too much work, Sonic adventure 2 was fun for a while, but its just way to hard for me to get used to the controller, and I hate switching back and forth from the consoles is just annoying, so I do apologize, and if you want to complain to me/hate/unfollow, I don't care, I never cared if you unfollowed if I stream certain games, as I said I play the games I like only because I like them, and who know maybe you could like it to, if not, remember there is a big red X button on the top right of your screen :), and I know that some of the stuff I said was pretty contradicting in this post, such as that I want to be less self-centered yet I want to play the games I want to play, I want to be less self-centered in that I don't want everything to be about me for everything, I want to know how others feel about certain things, my stream or speedrun choices don't really apply to this, and you probably disagree. I'll just play whatever I feel like I guess and hope that it works out for the best, if not whatever. Also I feel like expressing my true interests wouldn't hurt anyone either, yeah sure I like anime, not the shows for sure, but I love the art that they create from it. I have been a long time fan of any art style and the anime art style is really great, and I am also a big fan of environmental art, it just looks fantastic, and yes I will continue listening to rap, even if you think I'm crazy or something like that, its cool music, whatever, I listen to classic rock as well. I grew up with both of those, so why wouldn't I like them. I like to sing, so why not sing. And yes I will start talking a lot more about other people that relatively have no concern to me or my stream, and I guess you can call that trash talk, and it is, and I can do it cause whatever, it shows the flaws of certain people, and it's simply just my opinion, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind if people criticized me like that, it would help me improve as a person, and this sort of stuff has been a long time part for me, so yeah. I do play league still so continue hating on me baby. I want to be a strong person, I don't do it to show off, or say "yeah I'm living a better life than you", but I want to show you, that you can do it too. You can struggle all you want and stay in the mud for the rest of your life, it won't get you anywhere. I decided to that the next step and head towards my bath, I want to be clean, and live a good life, and this is the next step. Realizing that I'm turning 20 soon, is a pretty big wake up call, and that I can't just sit around moping for the rest of my life, enjoy it while it last, for all you know it could be your last day.

Enjoy life man, it doesn't always have to suck, do what you like and spread some love around. Enjoy your video games, love your parents and your close friends, if not eat some ice cream and watch some netflix or something.

I'm bad at conclusions as you can tell.

Anyways
Yours truly,
ahamplan