pipplepinYesterday at 11:30 PM
i could do with some of those :sweat_smile:
at this point idek what im worried about i just dont want to go to school and also want to do fucking dumb shit that i know i shouldnt but idk
just not a great time overall :/
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:34 PM
extra cuddles next time we meet, okay?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:34 PM
okay :smile:
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:34 PM
would you like to word-splurge at me?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:34 PM
its sad tho its gonna be a while cause exams
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:34 PM
mm
pipplepinYesterday at 11:35 PM
i wish i could but i struggle to find the words and i find them hard to say aroudn this topic sorry xxxx
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:35 PM
s'okay x
:heart:
pipplepinYesterday at 11:36 PM
at risk of sounding attention whorey and a twat because it could very eadsily come across that way without context i just want to end it and just not have to deal anymore
sorry
random and big emotional mess to dump suddenly
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:37 PM
hey
that's what I'm here for :upside_down:
emotional messes are good to dump
pipplepinYesterday at 11:38 PM
mm id say youre here to be kind and adorable and sweet and gentle and cute too
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:39 PM
awww, you're not allowed to be sweet when you're upset
pipplepinYesterday at 11:39 PM
i can and will be
i wish i could say i dont have anything to be upset over but i sort of do but dont at the same time i do have reasoning it just to me doesnt feel like justification even if it might to someone else if that makes sense
im just a bit of a mess as of late
and by late i mean
pretty much forever :sweat_smile:
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:40 PM
talk to me?
i don't like favourite non-blob being upset :confused:
pipplepinYesterday at 11:41 PM
mm have i ever mentioned reasoning for missing like 3/4 years of school?
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:42 PM
you said you were ill?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:42 PM
ill of sorts
less of a physical ill more of a yknow
yea
clinical depression and social anxiety style of thing i guess
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:44 PM
more cuddles
rests chin on chest
smiles
pipplepinYesterday at 11:45 PM
but one of the things that gets to me is when i was talking to my therapist about it she mentioned that all my symptoms present exactly like trauma and i never thought about it in that way and now i almost feel bad like my family is responsible but theyre not at all i dont blame them they didnt mean to then i feel more bad about it myself if i resent them but also feel like i should?
idk
then theres the whole thing about craving for love and attention even though im scared to reach out for it so i end up turning to my ex who im not interested in and isnt interested in me (in a more than platonic sense) to tr
y to make myself feel less empty i guess?
but it doesnt
and im just drained by life and work and all of the stuff thats been going on like my aunts and everything and my friends party it was good fun and everything but im just so lifeless and have to go back into school now and deal with that because we have so little time
i just cant cope and everything just leads me towards taking the more cowardly way out which ive told so many people not to and yet why do i feel the need to like its the only option when i know it isnt
i just dont know what to do anymore
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:51 PM
hey
pip
stop
pipplepinYesterday at 11:51 PM
stop?
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:51 PM
mm
are you in bed?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:51 PM
nah
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:51 PM
whereabouts?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:51 PM
at my pc
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:52 PM
oh, okay
that works too i guess
sat down?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:52 PM
im not gonna do anything rn dont worry
yeah
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:52 PM
mkay
so I'm going to ask you to stare at the ceiling for a bit
pipplepinYesterday at 11:53 PM
umm
okay
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:53 PM
but not yet, cause i want to tell you stuff
pipplepinYesterday at 11:53 PM
fair enough lol
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:54 PM
like how you're too good of a human being for this to be fair on you
and that even though you're stressed and feeling a bit shit
pipplepinYesterday at 11:55 PM
mm i would say it is perfectly justified, if not deserved, and to a point i am how i am because of my kindness and vice versa i guess?
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:55 PM
i love you, and so do loads of other people
pipplepinYesterday at 11:55 PM
thanks :heart:
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:55 PM
and
i can't really help, because it's your mental health
but
I'm always here to just rant at
or like
mope at
pipplepinYesterday at 11:56 PM
thanks xx
it means a lot
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:56 PM
because friendship
pipplepinYesterday at 11:56 PM
yee
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:56 PM
mkay
now
pipplepinYesterday at 11:56 PM
can i run a line of thought past you quickly?
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:56 PM
mhm?
pipplepinYesterday at 11:57 PM
preface: please dont assume im big headed or cocky i dont want to come across that way when i say this, even if i dont see myself in this way most of the time im not blind to facts
close.the.goddamned.doorYesterday at 11:58 PM
objective thinking is what i assume you're doing dear, don't worry
pipplepinToday at 12:00 AM
if someone is born into a happy(ish) family, with good looks, rapid learning capabilities, and extreme intelligence and musical talent and are raised by good and loving parents to be kind and polite, then surely it is fairer for them to be plagued with mental illnesses that to not be, when compared to people who are born into troubled households and arent naturally intelligent or good looking or talented at something theyre passionate about, things that are completely out of their control, why is it fair that some "win" the high roll if there isnt a hidden cost that comes underneath it?
close.the.goddamned.doorToday at 12:01 AM
mm
that's a fair point
but your perspective is from a environmental look at how a person develops, and you're basing 'fairness' off of that
and though maybe you could say that's it's fairer for you to be plagued with mental illnesses because you're better off in other aspects of life
but evening out quality of life so everyone is suffering the same amount isn't really something I'm for
sure it wouldn't be fair for someone less well off to have these issues
but it's not fair for you either
pipplepinToday at 12:05 AM
but is it fairer
and its arguable that those perks helped lead to the issues i now face?
anxiety and depression stemming from trauma (which doesnt fit into this model), but also perfectionism and a sudden fall from grace at the boundary from primary to secondary, along with physical problems in my knee and feet which one was genetic but the other was just a cause of my childhood affinity for sports and being too confident due to me being good at everything from my naive perspective
i have so many good things and yet still have the audacity to feel bad about my life
close.the.goddamned.doorToday at 12:10 AM
you know the whole thing about your issues being relative to you?
pipplepinToday at 12:10 AM
yea
close.the.goddamned.doorToday at 12:10 AM
mm
so
yes you have a good life
but you have problems that affect your mental and physical well being
so you have the right to feel as bad as you like about it
pipplepinToday at 12:11 AM
it kinda comes down to is a good life one of opportunity or happinesss
close.the.goddamned.doorToday at 12:12 AM
happiness
relative contentment with your life
pipplepinToday at 12:12 AM
in which case i dont have a good life
close.the.goddamned.doorToday at 12:12 AM
mm
therefore you are allowed to feel bad
pipplepinToday at 12:13 AM
theres an irony in that the thing im most proud of is the root of my problems
close.the.goddamned.doorToday at 12:14 AM
there's a natural conclusion the the things you care about the most can cause you the most damage
in wider terms, it works
pipplepinToday at 12:15 AM
yeah i guess
i just feel bad
and sad