Love Attempts

//------------------------------//
// Chapter 1: Introduction // Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

>You sat there paying attention to Mr. Cranky Doodles lesson on scientific equations. To be more specific, equations involving force, mass, acceleration and whatnot.
So... physics. It's called physics.

>Although it was hard focusing on his lesson when your crush was sitting beside you.
Wait, so am I paying attention, or am I not?

>Rarity
>Her indigo hair, pure white skin and best of all, those sapphire blue eyes that screams out BEAUTIFUL!
It's a good thing her eyes aren't screaming in the middle of a physics lesson. That could get awkward.

>Sadly she doesn't feel the same way about you but that doesn't stop you from trying.
Oh, boy...

>Ever since the day you first asked her out with the result of rejection you have tried multiple times to win her heart. So you always started out seeing Rarity during Science class with the occasional flirting.
It's unfortunate that I neglected to learn basic social skills before trying my hand at flirting.

>Speaking of flirting with her in Science.....
>"Pssst! Rarity." You whispered elbowing her softly.
Someone should teach me to keep my elbows to myself.

>She grunted in annoyance obviously trying to ignore you. Rarity has asked Mr. Cranky Doodle to change lab partners because of your "immature behavior" to which he told her that he can only switch seats if the matters were serious.
You'd think that your lab partner being an autistic creep who makes inept attempts at flirting with you in class was a serious enough matter.



>"Rarity." You smoothly cooed watching Rarity turning her head the other way.
>"Rarity!" You said a little louder also catching the attention of the people behind you.
This is flirting.

>Still no reaction from Rarity.
Evidently, this sort of thing happens pretty regularly.

>'Looks like I have to step it up.' You thought smirking widely at what you're going to say next.
"You're actually in a bad self-insert fanfic where the author's trying to convince the reader that he's the author."

>"Rarebear." You slowly said earning a few chuckles from the other students.
The other students are jerks.

>Rarity on the other hand wasn't so amused.
Sort of goes without saying, but since we're autistic, I guess we need to stay aware of these things.

>"What is it darling?" She bitterly hissed at you.
"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

>You just smiled leaning your chair to the table behind you and placed your elbow on the table trying to look presentable to her.
Looking presentable is kind of a lost cause at this point.

>Looking up at the board you saw that Mr. Cranky Doodle was doing an equation on gravity.
But what is he doing now?

>"Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you."
This is flirting, guys. Also, haven't I fallen for her already? Isn't that the whole point of this ridiculous story?

>You teased making Rarity groan at your horrible joke that most peers around you laughed at.
Whether or not that laughter is at my expense, I will never know. Thanks, Trump.

>"Is there something funny that I should know about?" The wigged headed teacher asked causing all the students to point at you.
Lies! If I were funny, I'd have come up with a decent joke.

>"Ah yes the student with the immature behavior is responsible for this." You chuckled not feeling intimidated by the teacher.
I probably can't even tell that the teacher doesn't appreciate my comedic genius.



>"Oh you think this is funny?" Mr. Cranky Doodle continued. "Why don't you tell us the answer to this equation...Chuckles?"
>'Chuckles? That's a new one' You thought as you looked at the problem. Meanwhile Rarity grinned evily believing that you won't answer the problem correctly.
Because Rarity is the type of gal who thinks everyone bases their self respect on solving two bit physics equations.

>Find the force due to gravitation acting on two bodies of mass 2 Kg and 5 Kg separated by the distance 5cm?
>"The solution to that problem is 2.668 × 10-7 N." You replied confidently much to the shock of Mr. Cranky Doodle.
>"T-that's correct....well done."
Funny thing is, the author probably looked up the answer on an online calculator. Or it's wrong. I can't be assed to fine out.

>Mr. Cranky Doodle stuttered making all the students stare at you in disbelief.
"Disbelief" isn't quite the word we're looking for.

>However you weren't going to let this slide.
Because a teacher successfully teaching the curriculum to the kids is so embarrassing.

>"What's the matter teach? Aren't you going tou-pee any attention as to how I answered that? Am I right guys?" You finished off which lead to the entire class laughing including Rarity. Mr. Cranky Doodle didn't find your "toupee joke" funny at all.
I get the feeling that nobody else did, either.

>You looked at the horde of laughing students and particularly noticed a pink haired girl laughing louder than anyone else. Once the two of you made eye contact she looked away slightly blushing while you sat there confused before shrugging it off.
Little did I know that Cheese Sandwich was sitting directly behind me, putting bunny ears on the back of my head.



>Once the laughter died down Mr. Cranky Doodle went back to teaching boring physic related problems. Not wanting to waste 10 minutes of your time you pulled out your sketch book and started sketching your greatest work of art yet.
Hopefully, it's better than this fanfic.

>"Hey Rarity can you turn around for a sec?" Due to your earlier joke she happily obliged your request by facing you with that perfect smile of hers.
Glad to see she's taking that whole "creepy autistic stalker" thing in stride.

>Taking a mental picture of the scene you thanked her and went back to sketching.
>DING!!!!!
The sound I make when I take mental pictures.

>The bell rung meaning that it was time for lunch. This also meant that it was time for phase two of your almighty plan to win Rarity's heart.
Almighty? I failed a bunch of times before already. You'd think "almighty" wouldn't be used to describe abject failure.

>You causally strolled out of class and made your way to the Cafeteria
>Once there you waited in line for your food. Granny Smith always makes the best dessert that would cheer you up when your down.....so it's pretty often.
Dessert being a thing that's served with lunch.

>"Hey there Mrs. Smith! What's for lunch today?" You questioned.
>"Well if it isn't my favorite student...." She stopped herself before sheepishly smiling at you.
First Pinkie Pie, then Rarity, now Granny Smith? Forget stealing all the waifus. We're stealing anything that walks on two legs. Or four, for that matter.

>"Well besides my three grandchildren, hope you don't mind being fourth."
We're already a granny-fucker, so why not be an incestuous granny-fucker to boot?



>"Not at all Mrs. Smith, family always come first after all." She nodded in agreement and started to serve you today's lunch. Vegetable Stew, always a preferable healthy meal.
Vegetable stew? What's in this stuff anyway? On second thought, I don't want to know.

>You thanked Mrs. Smith and went off to your usual table.....alone.
Probably because we don't just grab the pizza and ranch sauce like a normal kid.

>The fact that you sat alone from everyone didn't bother you as much as it should have. It always gave you time to think in peace.
Yes, it's too bad I don't use that time to think about getting social skills.

>While you were eating your stew, the taste reminded you of the stew that your late mother would make. One thought lead to the next and before you knew it a tear went down your face.
Of course, given how her son turned out, I'd say she's better off.

>Everyone saw you as that person who was always happy, looking at the bright side of bad situations. You chuckled.
Really? Because evidently, everyone sees us as that creep who leers over Rarity and disrupts classroom lessons with terrible jokes. Like a creepy clown, but unfunny.

>'If only they knew.'
>Wiping the tears of your face you forced yourself to smile so no one will say anything.
You'd think some idiot who smiles all the time would be considered *less* normal than someone who emotes like a regular human being.

>Looking down at your watch you found out that lunch was nearly over. You must've really been deep in thought.
Or the author couldn't be bothered to pace lunchtime properly.



>Looking at the table at the middle of the cafeteria was Rarity talking with her friends. You remembered a few weeks ago when they hated each others guts. Now they act like nothing has ever happened.
Come, now. I'm sure there's more going on in their lives than in mine.

>What's even more strange is that the Sunset Shimmer is sitting among them.
>Just thinking about her makes your blood boil. Sunset doesn't deserve friends, she made everyone's life a living hell.
Yes, because a petty school bully who can't use Photoshop and doesn't even have her own posse is just Satan on Earth, isn't she?

>Most say what she did to you was worser than anyone else to which you agreed with. Never in your life would you ever forget that day.
What did she do? Call me a creep? Because that's called being honest.

>Sunset Shimmer, the new addition to the table made it harder for you to sit at. Part of the reason why you're at this table. Even with Sunset Shimmer at the table you still need to follow Phase two of your master plan.
>Sighing, you emptied your tray by the nearest trash can and made your way to her table. Maybe this time will be different, or not.
Not very considerate of our lover/grandmother, are we?

>'Here we go again....Attempt Number Twenty Two.'
An "almighty" "master" plan that fails OVER TWENTY TIMES. LOL!



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 2: Attempt #22// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//
>"What's up girls!" You called out catching the attention of the six girls. You could hear Rarity groan as she banged her head on the table.
She was ecstatic about us just a few moments ago. I guess the comedic high that our genius joke gave her wore off.

>For a split second your expression went somber until you shook it off.
>'Keep your smile on'
If only I had some Gorilla Glue.

>You sat down next to Rarity making her groan louder. You faked a chuckle while the rest of the girls stared at you puzzled.
Hey, I'd also find a guy who smiles all the time to be odd. Assuming I have him the time of day, of course.

>"Aww come on Rarity, you know you're glad to see me." Rarity kept her head down hoping that you would go away. It takes a lot more than that to steer you away. So you decided to make small talk with the others.
"It'll take more than that for me to get steered away!" he says as he gets steered away.

>"Rainbow Dash." Ah yes the captain of every sports team, also known as your former enemy.
Aww. Why? What did dear little Dashie do? Oh, wait, the author will tell us shortly.

>Back then the two of you were best friends until soccer tryouts. You both "auditioned" for the role of captain and crushed everyone else wanting to be captain as well.
You'd think being oblivious to the most basic social cues would mean being oblivious to the things happening on a soccer field.

>The coach couldn't decide which one of you to choose so he placed You in a match against Rainbow Dash. Long story short you beat her 5-2. But the coach chose her over you saying that Rainbow showed more determination. Like, what the heck?
This might just be wild speculation, but I think he just didn't want the leader of a sports team to be a socially clueless retard. Wacky idea, isn't it?



>Needless to say you were pissed off. You won that game fair and square yet he picked her.
Author complains about "fair and square", but it's his call in the first place. You want authority, but you can't respect the authority of others? No wonder he made Dash the team captain.

>Since she was your best friend you congratulated her. The coach still give you a position on the team which you graciously accepted.
So graciously that we decided to hold a grudge up until this very moment.

>The first game came around and Rainbow Dash was a complete ball hog. Every time the ball came to you she came at the last second and snatched it from you. You were okay with it until it happened all throughout the game.
Yawn. Enough with the poorly written exposition. Get to the poorly written gore and poorly written smut already.

>The other players tried to pass it to you knowing full well that you can score a goal easily. Whenever Rainbow Dash "stole" the ball from you she would miss every kick. It got up to a point where you took off your jersey and left the game.
Because guys who throw off their shirts and storm out of the field like small children are excellent leadership material.

>Since then you ignored her presence every time she came up to you. That was until now.
>"H-hey d-d-dude." Rainbow Dash nervously said extending her hand towards you. You noticed how shaky her arm was so you decided to have a little fun with her.
Sex time now?



>"What's the matter Dash? Still sore over the loss?" She gasped making her arm wobble even more.
Why is her arm wobbly? Is she having a seizure?

>You took her hand and shook it firmly. "I see your grip hasn't changed a bit since the last time we squared off."
Because shaking hands is what people do when they have hostile confrontations.

>You released her hand and turned to the next person.
>"Applejack." One of Mrs. Smith's grandchildren, you know her pretty well because of the days where you help clean after the cafeteria.
Another reason why we sit alone at lunch.

>Applejack and Mrs. Smith often invited you to their farm where you met their other siblings.
They, like everyone else the author likes, have the hots for us.

>"Well howdy there partner! It's been too long since we last talked ya know?" Her southern accent is one of the best features about her other than her hat.
"They remind me of that Jesse toy I used to masturbate to in middle school. Porn was hard to get back then."

>"Likewise my friend." You replied turning to the next person.
>"Hey there Fluttershy." You greeted causing Fluttershy to hide behind her hair. Typical.
She's probably covering her nose from our putrid breath.

>There was no point trying to talk to her so you turned to the next perosn.
>"Hey there....." You stared at the unfamiliar girl before realizing that she was the pink haired girl from Science Class. "I don't think we met before." You introduced yourself and waited for her to do the same.
>"I-I'm R-Pinkie Lie-Pie!" Geez, she's more shyer than Fluttershy.
>"Hi Rpinkie Liepie!"
See? I told you it was Pinkie Pie. I should've bet fifty dollars on it.



>You said causing everyone to chuckle while Rpinkie Liepie ran out the doors.
Wait, are we actually convinved that she's Rpinkie Liepie? We're the most gullible second person protagonist of all time.

>Though you could've sworn that her cheeks were dark crimson.
Dark crimson being a color that cheeks naturally change to.

>You laughed as you ignored the last person at the edge of the table
How rude.

>and turned your attention back to Rarity.
>"I feel like your trying to ignore me Rarity".
>"That's because I'm trying to darling."
Can't say I blame her.

>"Well....you're talking to me aren't you?" You queered
Hahaha what? Queered? Is that even a word?

>ticking off Rarity. "My offer still stands you know." This caught her attention, she stared at you with a serious gaze.
>"I said it once and I'll say it again. The answer is NO."
Wah, wah.

>Attempt 22 Failed
Our almighty, master plan, everyone.

>While most around the table were perplexed you sighed sadly as another attempt failed.
>"Well there's always tomorrow." You switched to your cheerful expression. "See ya later Rarebear!"

>You got up and headed through the doors wondering just what are you doing with your life.
If only we weren't retarded. Then our wondering might actually help somehow. Like making us not project our failures on a high school spinoff of a toy franchise for six year old girls.

>"Wwwhat was that all about Rarity?" Applejack questioned.
Looks like AJ's just as oblivious as we are.

>"Nothing. Just...nothing."
Looks like we get to have another date with Rosie Palms this Saturday.

That's chapter 2. I hope chapter 3 isn't quite as boring as this one.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 3: Attempt #23// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

The following day

First off, I'd just like to thank the author for making these chapters so short. If they were of a decent length, I'd probably have to break each chapter into two or three parts.

>DING!!!!!
Pot brownies are done?

>"Hallelujah! Math
No pot brownies? Too bad. Would've made this fanfic a bit more readable.

>is finally over!" You shouted running out of Ms. Cheerilee's math class.
Someone forgot to tell us to use our indoor voice.

>All these complicated numbers and square roots are impossible.
Thanks for admitting that you looked up that last physics problem on Google, author.

>Next up Science Class.
You know the class is remedial when it's just called "Science", not anything an actual high school science class would be called.

>The only class that you get to see Rarity minus lunch.
That doesn't give us the excuse to sperg out every time we see her.

>Today is a new day and a new day meant another attempt to woo Rarity.
We just never learn, do we?

>You pulled out your sketchbook and wrote down the following words.
>Attempt #23
Wow, we put down a log of this shit? The fact that we keep making the same mistakes over and over again just got even more pathetic.

>Closing the sketchbook you quickly made your way to Mr. Cranky Doodles class not wanting to get your 3rd tardy. 3 tardies meant detention, such a stupid rule.
It's not stupid. It makes sure that tardies aren't as worthless as this story.



>DING!!!!
>The bell rung just as you stepped foot in the classroom.
>"Your late." The toupee teacher said sternly.
The toupee teacher? What happened to the science teacher?

>"Technically both my feet were in the room before the bell rung so I'm not late." You declared knowing all the rules this school has.
You had one foot in the room, asshat. In any case, most schools make it a rule that you have to be SEATED before the tardy bell rings, so you're still way off the mark.

>You bested the teacher twice this week.
If by "bested" you mean "mildly annoyed", then sure.

>"Fine....just go take your seat."
He said, considering his paycheck too small to warrant an argument with a retard.

>Pumping your fist in the air you took your seat beside Rarity. Just as you did Rarity shifted herself away from you bringing down your mood.
You'd think the guy would be used to this by now.

>Today's been a rough day for your tastes
...I don't want to know what this guy does with his tongue in his spare time.

>anyways so you decided to skip the flirting.
Rarity's clear distress at our constant harassment doesn't even phase us, but being just a teeny bit bummed out makes us stop entirely. Good to know.

>"Alright students today we will be learning about Newtons laws of motion. Can anyone tell what they are?"
Who's willing to bet the author couldn't?

>Seriously? Everyone should've known this by now and yet they're still teaching it.
One could say the same for you and just about every rule of basic social conduct imaginable.

>To pass the time you once again took out your sketchbook and turned to a specific page. This drawing consists of your parents...oh how you missed those days. The drawing was still incomplete because you couldn't find it in your heart to see it.
Or because we were too lazy to finish what's very likely a couple of stick figures with shoddy anime eyes.



>"I miss you guys." You whispered admiring your drawing. You grabbed your fathers special pencil and drew like your life depended on it.
>"Darling."
>"Darling."
>"Darling!" You snapped out of your artistic trance
You misspelled "autistic", author.

>and looked at Rarity.
>"What is it?" You asked annoyed that she made you lose focus of your sketching.
Why are we annoyed? You'd think this guy would love Rarity finally giving him some attention.

>Rarity seemed taken back at your sudden behavior which was lacking it's happiness.
I'd wager it was our bad breath.

>"I'm waiting." She impatiently replied.
>"For what?!"
"For you to come out of the closet already so you don't have to pester me anymore."

>Mr. Cranky Doodle heard you talking and asked you to step out of the classroom. You shot Rarity an angry look before grabbing your things and walking out the classroom. Not before you slammed the door shut.
Acting about ten years under his age seems to be this guy's MO.

>"Fuck this shit!"
Something I'm half-tempted to say to this fanfic right now.

>You yelled kicking a random locker out of rage.
Good thing our legs are so weak, or we'd be in trouble for damaging public property.

>Mr. Cranky Doodle heard you from inside and told the class to wait. Then he stepped out of the classroom and confronted you.
>"That behavior is highly inappropriate!
It is.

>Go to the principals office NOW!" He shouted causing you to flinch. You've never seen him this mad before. Grumbling, you nodded taking your stuff and headed towards Principal Celestia's offfice.
>Seeing the door titled: Principals Office, you kicked the door open catching Principal Celestia by surprise.
We may be retarded, but at least we know how to make an entrance.



>"Out of everyone in the entire school I didn't expect you here."
Why not? The guy is a stalker and an autist. The fact that he didn't end up in your office sooner is actually kind of impressive.

>As if you cared, you told her what occured during Science and why you were sent here.
Or, rather, we told her complete bullshit.

>"With this new information I don't see any reason to punish you for something you didn't do."
Yes, believe the mentally handicapped child over the guy who's clearly had enough of this shit. And the thirty-odd witnesses who you could call over at any time.

>"Exactly!" You shouted raising your hands in the air.
What a little shit.

>"Oh sorry for my rude attitude Principal Celestia today has been rough." You apologized rubbing the back of your neck.
>"Really? If you don't mind can you tell me what's on your mind?"
"I make Vice Principal Luna do all my paperwork anyway, so I can spare the time."

>No point from keeping this a secret. Besides it'll be for the best, especially when someone is actually offering to hear out your problems.
>"I don't see a problem with that." You pulled out your sketchbook and hesitantly turned to that page and showed it to the principal. "These were my parents before they....passed, they got into a car accident on they're way to pick me up from school."
Ah, the car accident. The go-to method of parricide for brony fanfic writers everywhere.



>"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear about that." She
sarcastically
>solemnly adressed. "I must say I love this drawing.
Bullshit.

>How did you learn to draw like that?" She asked admiring your drawings.
>You chuckled. "Heh, my dad taught me how to do realistic drawings when I was 10, judging by your reaction he did a great job teaching."
Or she's trying to not make you act out in another fit of tard rage.

>"Your father must've been a great person.
He couldn't have been. He raised a retard.

>Just remember not to let your emotions rage out." She warned giving you back your sketchbook.
>"I'll try Principal Celestia
I wonder if he'll make a log of all those failed attempts as well.

>.....thanks for the talk, I feel much better telling someone about this." you thanked her before walking out of her office.
>DING!!!!
>Well, there's the bell meaning class was already over.
Much to Mr. Doodle's relief.

>You changed your path and headed towards the cafeteria. You arrived early which means the line will be shorter.
>"Or no line at all." No line was seen so you walked over there and waited for Mrs. Smith to arrive.
>"Hello there deary!" Speaking of Mrs. Smith there she is right now. "How's your day going?"
>"I'll be honest with you, it hasn't been all that great."
Not all that great? We're lucky we weren't suspended.

>She raised an eyebrow wanting you to continue. "But I'm feeling much better now." You assured her.
>"If you say so, just to make sure I'll gave you a slice of apple pie." You perked up immediately at the sound of apple pie.
All this constant excitement over lunch and food. Who's willing to bet that the author is obese?



>"Really?" She nodded placing the slice on your tray. "Wow! Thanks a bunch Mrs. Smith!" You happily walked over to your table. Life, always throwing the bad things at you and then owing it to you later. You sat there enjoying your slice of apple pie until....

>"Hello darling." You looked up to see Rarity and her friends setting their trays down on your table.
How rude.

>Your Table. You didn't appreciate the fact that they are just now sitting with you.
Someone should tell us to count our blessings.

>"In case you didn't know I like to sit....alone." You grimly informed them wanting to be alone like always.
>"That's part of the reason wh-"
>"Cut to the chase Rarity." You cut her off. "Unless it's out of pity I would like you girls to leave."
I like how even he is aware, on some level, of how pathetic he is.

>Rarity hung her head in shame knowing that she caused all of this in the first place.
Because your crush not appreciating your harassme- er, flirting, is far more traumatic than losing your parents in a car crash.

>Applejack decided to speak up. "Hey calm down partner we just want to talk to ya."
>"Really." They all nodded but you were still tense. "You." You pointed a finger at Sunset Shimmer. "Leave."
Does this guy even KNOW how to be polite?

>"What? Why me?!" Did she really just ask that?
>"You know what you did."
Give the girl a break. She's been through more than you ever will and still comes out not as pathetic.

>Your fists started to clench out of anger. "Leave". Before you knew it she got her tray and went back to her own table.
And promptly went on Facebook with her smartphone to mock him behind his back.



>"Good." Your whole body softened up, letting your shoulders slump down. Now with Sunset Shimmer out of the way you can finish up your apple pie. Grabbing a knife you carefully sliced off a piece of the pie, then you grabbed your fork and stabbed the pie before eating it blissfully.
Because factory-made frozen apple pie is so good, it makes you forget that your parents are dead.

>When you finished chewing the piece you noticed that the five girls were staring at you. "Well? If you want to talk to me then do it. I got places to be ya know."
Bullshit.
>"Why in tarnation were you eating like that?" Applejack asked as the rest listened on.
>"You got a problem with how I eat?!"
Might have something to do with that white goo dribbling out our pants.

>You half shouted which lead to Applejack raising both her hand in protest while shaking her head. "Good, geez you people act like eating properly is a problem. Now I insist, you better get to talking before I go."
Someone REALLY needs to tell us to count our blessings.

>"R-right...." Applejack stammered still taking in the effects of your scolding. "Well we want to ask you why you're such in a foul mood righ-"
>You interrupted the farm girl. "Uh, last time I checked that's my own business...not yours."
Really? Because we seemed to be pretty open with it with Celestia.

>Applejack was about to protest until Rarity raised her hand making her stop.
>"Darling I want to deeply apologize for my actions. It just felt weird when you didn't......you know." She looked at you hoping you would catch on.
>You didn't.
Of course we didn't.

>"When I didn't do what?" You questioned increasing Rarity's nervousness.
>"You know...."
>"I don't know."
>"......you know" She gulped anxiously. "Similar with the 'gravity joke' you made yesterday." That caught you by surprise. Rarity missing your flirting.
Likely because it gave her so much material to use for mocking us when we weren't around.



>"Miss Rarity, do my ears deceive me? You hearing this Bpinkie?" Like yesterday Bpinkie Liepie
I have no words.
>fled from the table.
Hey, I'd get out of dodge, too. Anyone could see the awkward coming from a mile away.

>'Wierd, but whatever.'
>Feeling the happiness well up from your insides, you nonchalantly made your way to the seat beside Rarity. Sitting down you wickedly smiled at her. "You missed my....jokes didn't you? You could've just asked ya know."
Sure, she could have, but that would be really embarrassing.

>"N-no I d-di- oh forget it! Is there any way you could forgive me?" Just the perfect time to ask her out again.
Emotional blackmail is such a wonderful technique for sparking romance, isn't it?

>"You know my offer still stands...."
>"Anything except that."
LOL!

>Attempt #23 Failed
"Almighty" "master" "plan".

>".....darn it, well you can't blame a guy for trying. How about a hug then?" You asked hopefully.
>"Uhh I don't see a problem with that darling."
"Except maybe the stench it'll get on my clothes, but I have too much firewood at home, anyway."

>Score!
Kind of sad that a girl hugging you out of pity is considered a "score".

>You opened your arms out wide and waited. Looking at Rarity she seemed unsure as to what to do.
Probably having second thoughts about burning her clothes.

>You should help out with that.
>"Bring it in Rarebear!" You wrapped your arms around her and pulled Rarity closer to you. Soon after you could feel another pair of arms wrap around your side.
Except they weren't arms. They were tentacles. Not even Cthulu approves of this abomination to humanity.

>As you were enjoying the hug the beeping from your watch was heard meaning it was time to go!
'Literally saved by the bell,' Rarity thought.



>When you tried to break the hug you felt yourself being pulled back by Rarity.
>"You can let go now." You blurted out not wanting to be late again. Slowly Rarity released the hug with a forced look on her face. Maybe she was trying to hide the fact that she liked it.
Or maybe she's wincing at the horrific odor.

>"I got to go!" You took the remainder of the apple pie and stuffed it in your pocket.
What a fucking fatass this author must be.

>"See ya later Rarebear!" You happily said as you jogged your way out of the cafeteria.
Jogging being something the author doesn't do very often.

>The remainder of the girls sat in silence. Rarity refused to make eye contact as she clutched her right arm witg her left hand while looking down at the floor. It was obvious to everyone at the table that Rarity was embarrassed.
Understandably so.

>"So....." Rainbow Dash muttered loudly enough breaking the silence. "....Rarebear huh?" This caused Rarity to tighten the hold on her right arm blushing faintly.
Because women choke their arms when they're embarrassed.

>"Give her a break Rainbow Dash. It's bad enough that her boyfriend teased her in front of us. Don't be rubbin' it in her face." Applejack thought she did the right thing defending her friend from Rainbow's shenanigans, but she made it worse.

>"B-boyfriend!?" Rarity shouted banging her fist on the table which caused Fluttershy to yelp. "As if! He isn't even my type!
If he were, I'd wonder how you managed to get a retard fetish.

>He's merely some guy testing my patience."
>"He's not your boyfriend? Ah'd be lying if Ah said that I didn't believe those rumors."
AJ knows that she's in a Mary Sue fic.



>"What rum-"
Rum being one of many types of drinks that'd make this story more readable.

>Rarity was interrupted as Pinkie mysterious popped up behind the table and got all up on Rarity's face.
>"Soooo you're saying that he's single?" Pinkie Pie asked while the rest of the girls recovered from the scare.
Honestly, I'd be more surprised if he weren't.

>"In other words yes. Why do you ask?"
>"Noooo reason! Wellgottogoseeyougirlslater!" Pinkie Pie raced out of the cafeteria with a huge grin on her face leaving the others bewildered.
I'd also ask how Pinkie managed to get a retard fetish, but this is Pinkie Pie. Her fetishes are legion.

That's chapter 3. I'm kind of running out of material. If chapter 4 is as boring as this one, I might just call it quits on this riff.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4: Attempt #24// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

Ding!!!

>"Finally!" You groaned having grown bored if today's math lesson. Seriously, who the hell needs to know about slope?
Architects, engineers, graphic designers, take your pick. I guarantee they're all more successful with women than the author will ever be.

>Why couldn't Math be easy like Science?
Yet more proof that he's in a remedial science class.

>Speaking of Science it's that time of the day again.
>Attempt #24
>24th time a charm right?
It's actually a sad.

>Feeling confident enough you walked in Mr. Cranky Doodle's class and saw your future sole mate sitting by her lonesome.
I had no idea that we had a foot fetish. Thanks for telling us that.

>Of course the only exciting thing in her life right now is you.
Quite presumptuous of us, considering this horsewoman has been known to tussle with rampaging she-demons and fish-sirens.

>Chuckling, you ran your fingers through your jet black hair
Who's willing to bet we have an article of clothing that's red?

>and sat down in your seat. Although this time Rarity didn't move away from you like she always does.
>'I guess that's a start.'
I'd call it a red flag.



>You thought as you began to pay attention to the teacher.
>"Alright class, today we will learn about.....Cells!"
Cells? Biology, already? What happened to the physics unit?

>He may have looked happy but deep down you knew he didn't like cells either.
Presumably because cells did something unspeakable to his mother when he was young.

>"Open your textbooks to page 467."
>Of course it had to be textbook work.
Still more entertaining than this fanfic.

>You lazily attempted to grab one of the stacked textbooks on the table. Just as your hand was on the top textbook you felt something warm coming from the top of your hand.
It was a tumor. A malignant tumor, that the second person protagonist promptly died from. The end. I wish.

>Following the source of the sudden warmth you found Rarity's hand on top of yours. Smirking cockily you turned to the eloquent teen who looked mortified of the outcome.
>"Rarity
You'd think a girl who does sewing and dressmaking as a pastime would have some basic control of her hands.

>if you wanted to hold hands you could've just asked....I don't mind." Step one complete! It couldn't have gone better even if it was an accident.
So this almighty, master plan, is reliant on complete accidents happening in order to progress. Is it any wonder we're at attempt #24 right now?

>Blushing madly, Rarity quickly lifted her hand away from yours and turned away.
>"Don't be like that Rarebe-"
>"Don't call me that! Just...pass me a text book will you?" Following Rarity's request you passed her a textbook and opened your own.
Wouldn't be surprised if he started scribbling his parents or his crush in the pages.



>'Unicellular cells? Multicellular cells?
Yeah. Like the multileafed leaf, or the multiarmed arm. What a load of shit. It's quite the staggering achievement for a high school to be a diploma mill.

>Well at least it's something new.' You thought looking at page 467. Turns out today's lesson wasn't bad at all, it was interesting.
Your mom was interesting.

>At one point you saw Rarity laying her head down with the same exact hand that touched your under her head. Even more strange was seeing her nuzzle the hand with her cheek.
>"Hey chuckles! I'm talking to you!" Guess you've been staring to long at Rarity.
Pacing!

>"You know my name ain't chuckles right?" Who the hell calls their kid Chuckles anyways.
Maybe that's your actual name. I don't even know after four whole chapters of this crap. We get no characterization at all. The author was probably thinking, "Characterization? Motives? Backstory that isn't ripped straight from the Gary Stu handbook? Nah, fuck that. I'll make the reader the protagonist, instead! I am teh smurt."

>"It should be judging by your behavior.
Ironic, because all his attempts at humor fall flat on their faces; the only chuckles going on are at his expense.

>Are you going to answer the question or not?" What question?
>"Uhhh, can you say it again please?" You asked politely.
>"Since you said please." Mr. Cranky Doodle admired your manners.
I don't think it's admiration, as much as it is bewilderment at you not crouching over the desk with your pants pulled down and taking a dump on the textbook.



>"What's the difference between an Unicellular organism and a Multicellular one."
>"Oh that's simple! A multicellular organism consists of multiple cells while an Unicellular organism is by its own."
This is taking place in a HIGH SCHOOL.

>"That's correct! Now let's turn to the next pa-"
>Ding!!!
>"Oh it seems like we ran out of time! We'll pick this up tomorrow." You including the rest of the class scurried out of the room and headed to the cafeteria. Once inside you took your place in line and waited until it was your turn.
>"Hello there deary how's it going today?" There's the one person who actually care about your day. You found it funny.
No, what would actually be funny is if it turned out Mrs. Smith didn't care, either. Which is far from unlikely.

>"It's actually going swell! Thanks for asking Mrs. Smith."
>"No problem dear." She placed a bowl of fruit salad on your tray. "Now go on and enjoy your meal!" As soon as you walked out of the line you spotted the six girls sitting at your table.
Because the first time wasn't unpleasant enough, it seems.

>Once again, Your Table!
Oooh, how dare those uncouth wenches sit on His Autistic Majesty's royal luncheon table without his royal permission! Such impudence.

>Sighing you took your tray and sat at a new table that's been empty for quite some time.
Because how is he supposed to illicit pity out of people for his emotional blackmailing when he has six cute girls sitting with him at lunch?

>It didn't take too long for them to notice your absence.
>"Heya Rarity where's your boyfriend? Heh heh" Rainbow Dash laughed as soon as she saw Rarity turn red.
Looking around the room for the man with the retard face is clearly not an option.

>"That wasn't nice at all Rainbow! How would you like it if we teased you too?" Rarity smiled at Applejack's attempts of silencing Rainbow Dash.
>"I wouldn't know cause I got nothing to do with him!"
As should be the case for every person on the face of the Earth.



>Applejack pondered for a few seconds trying to recall what you have said two days ago.
Nice to see that Gary Stu can read minds.

>Then it came to her.
>"As Ah recalled two days ago he mentioned somthin' about you losin' to him. By the sound of it, it sounded like you got destroyed." The look on Dash's face told her everything.
Because that's how social cues work.

>"H-h-how do you know about that!?" She yelled causing students to stare at her in confusion.
>"Ah thought you got nothing to do with him." Busted.
Busted? By what I can gather from Rainbow's grammatically grotesque statement, she has nothing to do with him NOW. It says nothing about the past.

>Rainbow Dash knew that she'd be caught sooner or later. Maybe there's a way to deny it.
>"W-what are you talking about AJ? Why would I lie to my best friends?"
Because the author needed an antagonist, and couldn't be bothered to invent one. Hell, he was so busy stuffing himself with food that he couldn't even invent a protagonist!

>Rainbow Dash did her best to look innocent while also staring directly at Applejack.
>"Don't lie right in front of mah face Rainbow." It was too late for Rainbow Dash, now she had to spill it.
>"Fine. Back then we used to be best friends.....that was until we were in our freshman year." Rainbow Dash sighed sadly remembering "that" day.
>"What happened during freshman year?" Rarity asked suddenly intrigued at the conversation. She couldn't tell if that was a good thing.
It's not. Trust me. Any opportunity for the author to shill his Stu is a very bad thing.

>"It was during soccer tryouts....we both wanted to be the team captain so the coach made us go 1 on 1 with each other which he beat me 5 to 2." This made Applejack laugh out loud.
>"It's not funny!"
It really isn't.



>Rainbow Dash snapped at Applejack causing her to stop laughing.
>"Ah'm sorry Rainbow, please continue."
I agree. Please, continue. I'm so very intri- *yawn* intrigued.

>"Where was I? Or right! After he beat me in that soccer match the coach chose me instead of him because of my determination." Rainbow Dash explained puzzling the rest of the girls.
How is it puzzling? Considering what the coach's alternative was, the answer is about as obvious as the author's virginity.

>"I don't get it, he beat you but the coach chose you?" Fluttershy spoke for the first time today.
>"Yeah....that surprised me too. I thought he was happy for me considering that he congratulated me afterwards. But he showed his true colors at the game when he took off his jersey and left. Soon after he ignored me until three days ago. I still don't know why he did that."
Maybe because he's a petulant manchild who posts terrible low-effort self-insert wish-fulfillment fanfics to the internet.

>"Tell us what you did during the game." Applejack asked.
>"I was trying to show everyone that I can be the team leader so I took control of the ball throughout the game.
Not even Dash is this thick.

>Next thing I know more than half the team quit and the coach had to stop the season to look for more players." Everyone at the table stared at Rainbow with a dumbfounded look on their face.
>Is she really that clueless?
Not as clueless as the author.

>Just as Applejack was going to tell Rainbow Dash the truth You sat down at the table beside Rarity.
>"Wassup Rarebear? Ya missed me?" Right on cue Liepie left in a hurry leaving you confused once more.
Because when a woman has a crush on a man, she goes out of her way to distance herself from him. This is supposed to be Pinkie Pie!



>Although you decided to shrug it off and focused your attention on your crush.
>"No I did not miss you. Now will you leave us alone?"
You'd think her five friends are forcing her to sit at this asshat's table at gunpoint.

>There it is again. That grim feeling was coming up again as those words took affect on you.
You really, really deserve it.

>So you forced your smile to come back without anyone noticing.
>"Only if you take up on m-"
>"The answer is still no."
>Attempt 24 Failed
In case you guys didn't notice, the author names his chapters as "Attempt #X". That means you can tell whether or not the attempt will fail just by looking at the chapter list on the story page, so the little suspense there would've been in this "story" is now at zero. Oops!

>"Fucking hell." You whispered silently.
>"Just the person we were looking for." You heard Applejack say causing you to chortle.
>"Heh you don't hear that everyday.....at least for me. So what did ya need?"
To get out of this fanfic.

>"Well Rainbow Dash here..." Applejack patted Dash's shoulder. "...wanted to talk to you for a moment." Rainbow's eyes shot wide open at what Applejack just did.
>"She did? Well what do you have to say Dashie?" Laughs were shared around the table because of that "name" you gave to Rainbow Dash.
Laughs that were, yet again, at the Gary Stu's expense.

>"D-dashie?" Applejack managed to say between laughs. Rainbow Dash on the other hand was not so amused.
>"It's that stupid nickname he gave me when we were kids." The mention of kids made everyone stop their laughter.
>"Kids? Just how long have you two known each other?" This remark made you laugh. Getting up you took a seat next to Dashie and got her in a headlock while giving her a noogie.
That's technically assault. Can someone call the cops so this little shit can go to jail already? Do it before he pulls an Elliot Rodger!



>"I known Dashie since we were tiny tots." You noogied her harder. "Still as defenseless as I remember."
One has to wonder what he means when he calls her "defenseless".

>"Gah! Get off of me!" You let her go as you heard your watch beep.
>"That's my go!" You got up and ran to the door. "See ya Dashie, see ya Rarebear!" You shouted exiting the cafeteria. Little did you know what was in store for you later that day.
Considering how cliched this story has been so far, I'd say it's pretty simple to guess.

Do we push on to chapter 5? I'm still wavering on this, folks. I could use some encouragement.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 5: After School// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

>You ran out of the school in a hurry. Being late is something you can't do right now. Being late to school is one thing but being late now is something else.
Attendants of the local gay nightclub are known for their punctuality.

>"Run Forrest Run!" You heard someone yell as you continued running.
>'Stupid Memes these days.'
What did memes ever do to you?

>Ignoring the people who said the same thing you continued your run. In a matter of minutes
I sincerely doubt the author could maintain a consistent running pace for more than thirty seconds.

>you reached your destination. Catching your breath for a moment you walked to the door and knocked on it.
>On top of the door was a sliding peep hole which was opened. Dark crimson
I had a feeling "crimson" would show up in this fanfic somewhere.

>eyes met your as you stared at the eyes.
>"Password." He said darkly.
Because verbal communication, like beer, can be light or dark. Depending on the season, of course.

>"Deireadh an Domhain."
I had no idea that the Equestria Girls universe had Gallic languages. Imagine all those purple and blue people who perished in the potato famine of the late 19th century. Then imagine the pink Jesus whose birth marked that year the EqG calendar.



>You replied as the doors opened. There stood a 6ft 7 man stepping out of your way so you could get in. Walking in the building you were met by the sounds of screams and cries of the people here.
Those screams and cries coming from people who didn't want to deal with the Stu's rotten stench.

>You looked at the scene before you as two guys were battling out in the pit.
Lol, what?

>After this it was your turn to participate in this sick game called No Mans Land.
Is there seriously an Irish gladiatorial arena in the Equestria Girls universe? Is this a crossover with Fight Club?

>The rules were simple. You must fight in the pit against another while also brutally beating them to death.
I'm amazed that this obnoxious asshole hasn't been beaten to death by that gigantic guy who holds the door.

>There was an exception that allows you to spare your victims life if you wish to not kill. You always took this way not wanting to murder at a young age.
Gary may be an autistic stalker who assaults and harasses women on a consistent basis, but he crosses the line at murder.

>But that didn't mean you haven't seen other people get murdered.
>There wasn't a prize to this other than food and shelter.
Then why does anyone participate?

>As they always say when life gives you lemons you squeeze them at your opponents face in hopes of blinding them.
And as we've all noticed, Gary is a huge fan of overly optimistic hopes.

>You've been at this after a year passed since your parents death. It wasn't perfect but it was something, something you call life.
This guy manages to make Irish gladiatorial games sound boring.



>You stood next to the pit waiting for your turn in No Mans Land. The crowd was always so fired up about this game. Tremendous roars of approval spreaded through the crowd as one of the competitors was ready to deliver the final blow.
Since, of course, it rids this impoverished group of people of a person so stupid that he willingly goes into a death game that doesn't even have a prize.

>"The Glove!" He shouted. You shuddered at the thought of being hit by the glove. Many participates used this as their finishing move. Falling down to the pit came a glove accompanied by scissors and knives wired around it.
Knives, of course, being so soft and flexible that they can be "wired" around scissors, a weapon so deadly that it can kill despite being "wired" around by the extremely soft and flexible knives.

>The guy carefully slid the glove on his hand not wanting to stab himself.
Why not? Anyone in their right mind would stab themselves after finding out they were in this fanfic.

>"Who wants to see this mother fucker die!" He shouted gaining the approval of the crowd. Big mistake. The number one rule in No Man Land is to NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN! The down participated took the opportunity to low blow his opponent causing him to fall on his knee's.
His knee's what?

>Then out of no where the once downed opponent kicked the glove driving it onto the man neck decapitating him in the process.
Because stabbing a guy with a pair of scissors is such an efficient way of beheading a person. I am so glad I stuck with it. It went from boring to hilarious in no time at all.

>You watched as the head flew into the crowd. Soon after someone shouted:
>"I got the head!" He lifted the head proudly as the blood flooded his shirt.
The head must have been enormous.



>The man in the pit took the glove from the decapitated corpse and rose it up high for everyone to see.
>"The winner is.....Jjjjjjjjaaaaaaassssssoooooonnn Haaaaaaarrrrtttttt!
Jason Hart. What a totally fitting name for this universe.

>And what an amazing turn of event's inside the pit." You breathed in deeply and let it out preparing to go in next.
>"Good luck kid." The man said to you as he exited the pit.
Shut up, man. This guy already has far more luck than he deserves.

>"For our next match introducing first, our youngest competitor here the teen called Deeeaaathhh!"
Haha, "the teen called death". We have officially entered the realm of unintentional self-parody.

>Death, only name they got that sounded intimidating.
But why that? You don't ever kill anyone.

>Using your real name wouldn't have gone to well.
>"And his opponent, Standing over 7 feet tall, Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaavvvvvvessssttttooooonnnneeee!"
I'm just dying to see how this retard manages to beat a seven foot tall giant in hand to hand combat.

>'I'm so screwed!' You thought looking at the toughest guy around here. Gravestone has an undefeated record of 64-0. With that came 64 corpses along with him. He always used the glove to finish off his opponents.
Thanks for giving away the outcome of the fight, author. You fat cow.

>The horn blew meaning it was time to begin. Your first move was to punch him in the face which was countered into a choke hold by Gravestone. You felt him squeeze your throat as hard as he could cutting off your oxygen supply.
>Using dirty tactics you raked him as hard as you could on the eyes
Which he could most feasibly have done on the seven foot tall man who had him in a chokehold, with the help of his elastic limbs.

>making him scream out in pain. As he fell to his knees rubbing his eyes you took the lead by kicking him on the throat.
You'd think the guy would know from 64 fights to the death to keep his neck covered.



>Gravestone's groggy stance told you that it was time to wear him down. Leaping in the air your arms wrapped around Gravestones.
He really does have elastic limbs, doesn't he? It's a wonder why he doesn't quit his remedial classes in his diploma mill high school to join the circus.

>Then with all your might you pulled back while also getting some payback for the choke hold delivering one of your own.
>"Aaahhhh!" You shouted tightening the hold hoping that Gravestone will pass out. Luck was not on your side as Gravestone used his massive fists to punch you repeatedly on your chest.
This guy seems to conflate "luck" with everyone else being even more retarded than he is.

>After the 6th hit you released the hold due to the pain being inflicted by Gravestone.
>Using this to his advantage, Gravestone pinned you down to the floor and punched you directly on your jaw knocking you out on the process.
End of chapter. That is, if the autistic tub of lard who wrote this story knew anything about POV.

>Gravestone took notice of this and got off of you. Turning his back on you he said two words.
>"The Glove!" He shouted as the crowd cheered for an outstanding match. The Glove was heard dropping down to the ground. Gravestone leaned down to retrieve the Glove only to have a face full of sharp objects sliced through his head.
Um, what? Did they just come up out of nowhere?

>"Rule 1 of No Mans Land, never let your guard down!" You shouted removing your foot from the back of his head.
Oh, so we recovered from an unconscious state in a matter of a few seconds, then used our elastic leg to kick the glove into the giant's face without any damage coming to our foot. Brilliant. Puts Oberyn Martell to absolute shame.



>The crowd had mixed reactions to this. On one hand the best fighter died but on the other it was most likely the match of the year.
>"What a comeback! The winner of this bout' goes to Ddddddddeeeeeeaaaaaaattttthhhhh!" The announcer yelled loud enough for everyone to hear.
As opposed to all those times where he whispers the names of his winners.

>"Death!"
>"Death!"
>"Death!"
Something I bet a lot of people who read this fanfic were wishing for when they read that fight scene.

>Those were the chants that bombarded the building. You looked down at Gravestone's corpse or as you called him, your first murder. It did however make you feel proud due to the fact that his murderous rampage was over. Lives are spared because of this outcome.
Because of course the Gary Stu can't commit acts of blatant hypocrisy without coming out looking heroic.

>Limping your way out of the Pit you made your way to the infirmary to get treated.
>"You're good to go Death!" The nurse exclaimed after 5 hours of medical treatment. Who knew you would be better by than.
5 hours? After having been savaged by a giant? I guess he has elastic bones and organs, too.

>"Thanks nurse but now I have to talk with the boss." You left the infirmary and headed to the bosses office.
>'My time here is over.'
>You knocked on the door. A few seconds later the boss opened the door and stared at you.
>"Death! I got to say I was really impressed that you beat our best fighter here. I was just thinking on how I could make you the star of No Mans Land! What do you say?" The boss said confidently.
How is he not the star of NML (brilliant name, by the way) already?

>"About that sir I came here to talk about me resigning from No Mans Land?" The boss gasped at your request.
>"R-resign!? Why!?"
Because it's a death game without any sort of prize to speak of? Or maybe because IT'S A FUCKING DEATH GAME.



>"I've been here for four years now, starting out as the newbie and look at me now! The top dog! But I been thinking about the future. I asked myself, do I truly want to fight here forever?"
>"Why not!?" The boss asked.
"Because there's so much more glory to be won fighting in the Middle East as a one-man private military company!"

>"Because this doesn't make me happy! Coming here every day is suicide. As the youngest fighter here I want to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to come hear every day in fear of dying.
You beat a seven foot tall giant, and only needed five hours in some run-down nurse's tent to recover! What fear could you possibly have?

>Please I want to resign sir."
>The boss thought about this deeply. It's true he's the one who found you and gave you the job. Watching you advance each day until now where you reached the highest one.
>"After thinking about what you said.....I'll be okay to resign you."
Because people who run Irish gladiatorial arenas in shady back alleys are known for their benevolence.

>You mentally cheered to yourself because of this.
>"But there's a catch that you know already." Ooh that's right.
>"Yes sir I know about it and I'll say if I can beat Gravestone then I can certainly live out on the streets fending on my own."
Wait. So, you have to participate in the games to live in this strange place? Then why haven't they moved somewhere else?

>"You truly are a brave fellow." The boss offered you his hand. "It's was nice while it lasted.
>You took his hand and shook it. "It certainly was."
Then why the hell did you quit?

>It is nighttime and you are currently walking around the streets for shelter. Your roaring stomach told you it's hungry.
Because the stomach has a mind of its own. And can talk.



>"So this is how it's like living out on the streets. Heh, not as great as I imagin-" You stopped yourself as the sweet aroma of dough filled your nostrils.
The author's insatiable appetite for sweets is invading the narrative again.

>Back at the Pit they only served canned food and at school Mrs. Smith doesn't serve desert
What's her problem with desert-dwellers?

>with the exception of the apple pie.
Probably because she buys it all in bulk.

>It's been 5 whole years since you last tasted the masterpiece known as doughnuts.
There are three things in this world that I think of when I read the word "masterpiece". The Mona Lisa, the Parthenon, and doughnuts.

>Following the scent lead you to a bakery called.....Sugarcube Corner?
>"I don't care what the hell it's called! I need some right now!" You peered inside the window only to see Bpinkie Liepie cleaning up the place.
>"She works here? Wait what am I saying? That means I can get free pastries!"
The invasion has just turned into a full-on occupation, complete with rationing and martial law. Why rationing, you ask? Because the author's hogging up all the spare food!

>You walked to the door and pulled it open. The sweet smell of dough trampled the hairs of your nostrils.
>"Oh I'm sorry but Sugarcube Corner is clo...." Liepie was at a loss of words as she finally looked up to see who it was. "....oh it's you!"
I think it was more like "...oh god, it's you."

>Scanning the bakery Liepie jumped across the counter and hid herself from you.
>"Uh if this place is closed then I'll leave."
>'No!" She screamed causing you to turn back around. "I-it's not closed. Yeah in fact we just opened! Heh heh heh." She laughed awkwardly.
>"You opened during the night?
It's amazing how this guy lived in a warehouse with an impoverished Irish death cult for years, yet has no street smarts.



>You know what forget it I want to know if you had any free samples I can try." Truth be told you didn't have any bits on you since like forever.
>"GRRRRRR" Bpinkie yelped as she hid back behind the counter.
>"Sorry, that was my stomach.
The author seems to have an exaggerated awareness of his own stomach. Sort of explains why he's so fat.

>Haven't eaten since lunch?" You sheepishly said as you watched Bpinkie slowly come out from behind the counter.
No, you're not hallucinating. A guy who just beat a seven foot tall giant in mortal combat is sheepish about asking questions to girls. Incredible.

>"Wow! I haven't heard a stomach growl like that since Applejack decided to stop eating apples for a day. Did your parents not feed you?" She asked making you uncomfortable.

>"Well you see they aren't around anymore."
>But of course Liepie didn't understand.
You say "of course" like we couldn't expect the same sort of naivity from youi

>"Are they on a work trip? Who leaves their kid alo-"

>"Liepie listen to me." You placed both hand on her shoulders and leaned your face closer to hers. "You have to promise not to tell anyone anything that I say tonight." Her face grew redder as your face was inches away from hers.
>"I-i p-pink-pinkie p-promise!"
Since when does Pinkie studder during a Pinkie Promise?

>Liepie did this skit that you found amusing. This Pinkie promise sounded fair to you.
>"Good." You removed your hands from her shoulders. "How do I say this, my parents were killed in a car accident and I've been homeless for five years."
This is your big secret? Really? Think of all the pity you could've gotten with that info, man!

>You blurted out not mentioning No Mans Land to her. Liepie seemed to innocent for that kind of stuff.
>Her jaw dropped to the floor.....literally
I guess her bones are as elastic as yours.



>as she took in this information. In a split second you were pushed to the ground as you felt something wrap itself to you.
I really hope it's Cthulu this time.

>"I'm sorry to hear that." Liepie said as she shockingly hugged you.
Because hugs are shocking. Better put on rubber gloves the next time you go to hug someone, guys. It could be dangerous.

>You were never one to turn down a hug so you hugged her back.
>After a while you pulled her up so you could look at her eye to eye.
>"How about those free samples then?"
Of course, the author can't go five minutes without thinking about food.

>Bpinkie or rather Pinkie Pie which you found out later graciously let you have anything at the bakery where the two of you talked for an hour at least. You found out that she was basically similar to you. Always happy, making jokes and having fun.
The difference here being that Pinkie's jokes actually work, so she doesn't have to sit alone at lunch every day.

>The hour was filled with stories and laughter until you looked at the time.
>"Oh man it's already 10 p.m.? I have to be going." You were about to leave until Pinkie hand forced you back she looked at you with those big baby blue eyes.
>"Why do you want to leave so early?"
>"It's ten Pinkie. Besides we have school tomorrow anyways."
Because a guy who kills seven foot tall giants in Irish gladiatorial fight clubs would care about getting to bed on time on a school day.

>You once again got up while Pinkie pulled you back.
>"Where will you go? You're homeless!"
>"Back on the streets I guess. Nowhere else to go?"
The gay nightclub is always an option.

>Then she said something that stopped you dead on your tracks.
>"You can stay in my room!" An actual room?
Of course she offered her room.



>"I don't mean to intrude..."
>"I insist! I don't want my friend to stay out on the cold streets." She was right. It is suppose to be really cold tonight, ah what the heck!?
>"Alright Pinkie Pie, I'll stay with you for tonight." She squealed excitingly squeezing your insides out.
>"Not so hard!"
The guy just escaped from a choke hold from a seven foot giant, and thinks Pinkie's hugs are tight.

>You said already feeling the pain come back courtesy of Gravestone.
>"Whoopsie!" She let you get up and grabbed your hand tight. "To my room." Pinkie Pie skipped happily up the stairs mostly so you wouldn't see how flustered she is.
Fetishes are a bitch, aren't they?

>Not taking the hand holding too seriously you let her take you in her room.
>"Here we are!" She opened a door and revealed her bright pink room to you.
>"Woah you must really like the color pink!" You exclaimed looking around the room.
A stunning observation by Detective Gary Stu, a noted giant-slayer, stalker, and connoseur of mass-produced pastries.

>"Aaannd this is where you'll be sleeping tonight." She showed you a bed. The only bed in the room meaning it was hers.
>"No it's your bed! I can just sleep on the floor."
This guy really is gay, isn't he?

>"But I insist!"
>"But it's your bed."
>You could see the red on her face coming back as she looked at you shyly.
>"We could share?"
That's what she was offering in the first place, dipshit.

>"Alright." You said nonchalantly. You walked over to her bed and layed on the soft mattress. Seeing as she hasn't moved a spot you patted the side of the bed.
>"What're you waiting for?" You asked.
For you to take a shower so her bed doesn't smell like a shit-coated corpse.



>"You said yes just like that?" Pinkie Pie replied as the redness took over the rest of her face.
>"Well yeah no need for both of us to freeze during the night right?" You heard her gasp.
>"You're right! It is supposed to be freezing later." She leaped to the air and landed face first on the bed giggling as the mattress bounced back repeatedly. You both got under the cover while Pinkie Pie turned off the lamp leaving the two of you staring at the dark.
Well? What are you waiting for? Fuck her, Gary! Go lose your virginity already.

>After a few minutes you were about to turn in until you could feel the pressure of the bed on Pinkie's side disappear while the pressure on yours increased. Soon after you could feel your body being pushed down further but this was a soft and warm feeling.
Is she seriously laying on top of us?

>You could see a huge lump coming from under the covers which couldn't have been yours. You aren't that fat.
Maybe we're not, but the author sure is.

>Staring at the lump for a while you saw two blue eyes looking directly at yours. A few seconds later Pinkie's head popped out as she rested her head on your neck and wrapped her limbs around you.
Because that's how cuddling works.

>"What are you doing Pinkie?"
"Assuming direct control!"

>"It got cold." Was her only reply as you heard the faint sound of snoring a few minutes later. You delicately stroked her poofy pink hair feeling her curls each time. For the first time since your parent's parents death did you truly feel happy. The smile on your face was no longer forced.
So, this guy had a forced smile on the whole time? Even while he was slaying the giant? It's no wonder everyone thinks he's a creep.

>Feeling your eyelids growing tired you gently placed your lips on Pinkie's forehead and whispered in her ear.
>"Goodnight Pinkie Pie."
Because of course, her forehead has an ear attached to it.

Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I'd never have made it to this goldmine of a chapter without it.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 6: Attempt #25// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//
>You and Pinkie Pie woke up to the beeping noise coming from your watch.
Since when do we have a watch?

>Pinkie slowly unwrapped herself from you so she could get ready for school.
So you're telling me Gary had her wrapped around him like a koala bear on a tree the whole night, and he didn't so much as kiss her? I guess he IS gay.

>Watching her leave to the bathroom you wanted to explore the room some more.
That's an invasion of privacy.

>As Pinkie shut the door she silently squealed like a school girl.
Right, because even though she is a girl who goes to school, she's not a school girl, but squeals like one. I wonder if there's something strange between her legs that the author's not telling us about.

>She got to spend the night with you! More importantly she got to sleep with you! Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself trying to recreate the warmth she felt when she wrapped her limps around you.
A "limp" might be an apt description of that strange thing between her legs. Or perhaps, that might be a "stiff".

>It wasn't the same.
>Pinkie sighed sadly mostly due to the fact that this could be a one night thing.
Oh, don't worry, Pinkie. I'm sure Canterlot High has plenty of black-haired OC self-inserts for you to choose from.

>She wet her hair making it go straight down before grabbing the blow dryer and dryed her hair. As Pinkie turned off the dryer her once straight her suddenly poofed back to normal.
>"Much better." She said to herself as she grabbed the doorknob and opened the door to see you checking out a box that she was all to familiar with.
>"Do you mind if I can use about ten of these for today?"
I don't want to know what those are.



>Ding!!!
>"Okay guys meet me near Mr. Cranky Doodles class, don't be seen over." You secretly spoke to the walkie talkie.
I wonder where this is going.

>"Roger that over." Great! This has to work.
I know I start rolling in pussy whenever I get out my walkie talkie.

>You ran through the halls trying to find the people before the bell rung. Once you were outside Mr. Cranky Doodles class you heard something.
A weight loss ad?

>"Psst!" You looked behind you to find a big white fluffy bunny with a blue vest. Right behind him were 8 other students in costumes. A sailor, pizza guy, hot dog guy, guy with a shirt that looks like a tuxedo, burger guy, penguin guy, super girl, and a cheerleader.
This has to be the most ludicrous method of asking a girl out I have ever seen.

>"Oh." The bunny gave you a green robe.
He forgot the wizard hat.

"You need this." Even if this doesn't work it'll sure be fun at the same time.
>"Hit the music burger guy!"
>Attempt 25
Well, I can't fault him for doing the same thing over and over again, that's for sure.

>Yyyyeah!
>You watched as the party animals walked in the classroom with the music cranked up loud enough to here. The costumed people danced straight away much ti the confusion of everyone in the room.
It's like if Twilight's dance routine in the cafeteria was orchestrated by Chris Chan.

>Hey
>Hey
>Hey
>[a bunch of other "Hey" omitted because 4chan thinks it's spam]
Are we doing a dance, or are we feeding horses in a stable?



>You were seen in front of the crowd as everyone stared at you in disbelief.
>"Yeah", You pumped your fist in the air.
Presumably because the elastic appendage had deflated while Pinkie was on top of you.

>Hey
>Welcome to the revolution
>We're taking to the streets today
We have a regular V.I. Lenin on our hands, folks.

>No more dissolutions cause
>We will break away
Yes, comrades. Overthrow bourgeois science class. Is for good of the worker!

>You were walked around the room in a dancing manner.
Who walked us, and why was it in a dancing manner?

>"Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa" You chanted along with the other party animals.
>"Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa" You sang along getting into the song. Some of the other students joined along.
>"Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa" By now more than half the class either came in the group or stayed at there desk chanting along.
>"Whoa"

>"Hey!"
>You pumped your fist in the air again as most students followed along.
With the exception of Mr. Doodle, who does not approve of communist dance routines in his remedial science class.

>Don't want to hear your propaganda
>Not listening to a word you say
Only listen to Soviet radio and news station, comrades.

>So go knock and give us all you got cause
>We will dig today
In gulag, of course!

>"Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa", You got up on Mr. Cranky Doodles desk.
>"Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa", You stared at Mr. Cranky Doodle for a second laughing at his shocked face.
Was that part of the routine?

>"Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa:, You crossed your arms and let yourself fall while the party animals caught you.
>"Whoa", The party animals carried you to your seat as the music faded away
>"Who turned off the music?" You asked.
The FBI. They don't approve of communist rabble-rousers with autism and bizzare attitudes towards the opposite sex.

>"I did." The teacher answered. "It's a distraction to the class.
It is.



>heck I didn't even hear the bell ring so no music in this class!"
>The party animals booed at Mr. Cranky Doodle giving him a thumbs down.
Funny, because I gave this story a thumbs down.

>"Come on teach, don't be a lemon!"
Really? The author tags this story as Mature, and has people swearing in almost every chapter, and the most scathing insult the "party animals" can come up with is "lemon"?

>"A lemon!? Now I know you lost it." Mr. Cranky Doodle declared making the costumed people boo louder.
>"Calm down guys and gals, lets just listen to his lesson for today." You assured them calming the party animals down.
You're letting up NOW? What was the point of all that?

>They dropped you to your chair and stood around you listening to the lesson. Straightening the robe you looked at Pinkie Pie and gave her a thumbs up for letting you use the costumes.
Which she had previously stolen from Rarity, this making this whole venture a complete waste once Rarity finds out.

>She mouthed the words "you're welcome" before focusing on the lesson.
>"Just what do you think your doing!?" You heard your crush say. Chuckling you stared at Rarity smirking while do so.
>"Are you tired? Cause you've been running around in my mind all day!" Step 1 complete.
Our typical "Step 1", tell a cringeworthy joke to Rarity. So, that display had absolutely nothing to do with asking Rarity out. It was just kind of... there.

>The party animals laughed together at your joke.
More laughter at our expense.

>Rarity simply rolled her eyes and went back to paying attention to Mr. Cranky Doodle until:
>Ding!!!
>Guess that seen you made took longer than you thought. You along with the rest of the party animals walked out of the class. Following the teachers warning you told the hot dog guy to play the music outside the classroom.
More of this?



>Yyyeaaahhhh!
>Getting on the shoulders of the party animals you let them carry you to the cafeteria for lunch.
>"Woah-oh-oh-oh Wooaaahh!" You chanted across the hallways. More and more students joined in the group soon after. Since most of the students were behind your original group the line was empty in the cafeteria.
Sorry for my distinct lack of clever one-liners, but I'm just the tiniest bit baffled here. I have no idea what's going on. Is this some sort of secret Irish gladiator mating ritual or something? I need to know.

>"Alright first person in the line!" You walked to Mrs. Smith who stared at you similarly like how Mr. Cranky Doodle did.
>"11 bowls of whatever you have Mrs. Smith." The party animals shouted Yeah in agreement!
>"Oh....alright deary." Mrs. Smith each placed bowls of spaghetti at the 11 trays.
>You told the costumed people to drop you so they'll be able to grab their lunch.
Why don't you make some use of your elastic limbs? Is it a secret reserved for the arena?

>"Thanks Mrs. Smith!" You departed from the line and found Your table empty. Joyful you sat down on your usual seat as everyone else filled the table except one beside you.
How convenient.

>"Hey Pinkie Pie!" You shouted across the Cafeteria earning her attention. "Get over here I want to talk to you about some stuff."
>Just as you sat down Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere dropping to the seat from the.....air?
Considering how absolutely bizzare this whole chapter has been, Pinkie actually makes the most sense here.

>"Where did yo-forget it. I just wanted to thank you again for letting me borrow these costumes. It was really fun during Science!"
>"No problem! Anything for a friend."
You've met each other twice.

>Pinkie Pie hugged you so delicately that you couldn't help but hug back. As the two of you were talking the table in the middle are talking about the two of you.
>"Hey Rarity! I think Pinkie Pie over there is trying to steal your boyfriend."
She kind of is.



>She pointed at the table where the party animals moved out of the way so you and Pinkie could be seen. The sight of you hugging Pinkie Pie bothered Rarity for some reason.
Of course it did.

>"He's not my boyfriend!"
...b-baka!

>"So you wouldn't mind if Pinkie did that?" Rainbow Dash had to hold every nerve of her body trying not to laugh. Rarity turned around and saw an unraveling sight. Pinkie Pie had taken the liberty of sitting on your lap while you played with her hair.
But I thought we were in love with Rarity. Why are we being all lovey dovey with Pinkie? We're too autistic to understand jealousy.

>Rarity's teeth started to grind almost bone shattering if you well. The sound of grinding came into a halt when laughter could be heard.
Because you can totally grind your teeth that hard without utterly destroying them.

>"I told you guys she would be like this! Ha Ha!" Nearly all the girls were dying of hilarity minus Fluttershy whom quietly giggled to herself.
>Yeeeaaahhh!
>The sound of music bounced around the cafeteria and into everyone's ears. When you were done talking to Pinkie you decided that it was now or never.
What the hell is the point of all this party crap?

>Making your way to the table in the middle you saw your beloved Rarity staring at you with wide eyes.
>"Drop me on top of the table." You commanded as the party animals nodded. They hoisted you up and placed you on top of the table.
>"Sup Rarebear."
>"Don't call me that darling".
>"You hear that guys!? She called me her darling again!" The party animals cheered for your success.
>"Darl-doode if you're hear to ask me about the offer then the answer is....."
>You and the party animals leaned in closer waiting for a response.
>"No."
>Attempt 25 Failed
Of course it did.



>All the party animals sighed sadly with you. Then the party animals including the other students that decided to join in started to gather around Rarity booing her right in her face.
Haha, what?

>Before things got ugly you spoke up. "Guys and Gals stop! If the lady doesn't want to then let her be."
Says the guy who's tried to ask her out on a date 25 times and got rejected for all of them.

>You dropped down from the table and dropped the green robe. "The party's over."
>"Aww!" The entire cafeteria cried out begging you to continue. You didn't feel like keeping this up anymore, it was ruined. Shoving your hands in your pockets you walked out of the cafeteria not making eye contact to anyone you pass by.
>The bunny removed the head of his costume who turned out to be none other than Vice Principal Luna herself.
So, Vice Principal Luna had a hand in disrupting the science curriculum (if you could call it that) in her own school. Really. Well, I guess it's a fair way of getting back at Celestia for saddling her with all her paperwork.

>"Buzzkill." She announced obviously referring to the fashionista. Carrying the bunny head the Vice Principal walked out of the cafeteria to resume her duties. Most followed while angrily eying Rarity for ruining the fun.
Yes, because she's the one who canceled the party.

Was the author on drugs when he wrote this chapter?



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 7 Part One: Attempt #26// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//


>Ding!!!
>After the aftermath of yesterday you got over it after a while.
Just like all the other 25 times, right?

>Today is a new day after all. With the help of Pinkie Pie you borrowed another one of her costumes for today.
Another costume, huh? This should turn out well.

>Walking out of Math class you made your way to your locker in a hurry. Once there you opened it revealing just what you were looking for.
Rarity couldn't say the same about her restraining order, it seems.

>Attempt 26
>Putting on the sleek leather jacket you casually made your way in the classroom. All eyes were on you as soon as you entered in the room.
>Ding!!!
Wait, so did we or did we not put on our ridiculous clown outfit before coming to class?

>You took your sweet time after the bell rang. Unfortunately, Mr. Cranky Doodle wasn't going to let you do that.
>"Please take your seat before I have to give you detention."
I think that ship has sailed, man. You just don't want to admit that you don't give a shit.

>"Yes Sir!"
This OOC line of dialogue sort of makes me wish this was boot camp. Let's see how "quirky" this guy is after five minutes with Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

>You took your seat in obedience. Detention wasn't on your list today, or any day.
Then why did you storm into science class yesterday with a dozen or so students and Vice Principal Luna in fursuits?

>"Alright class please turn your textbooks to page 632." Not wanting to repeat what happened last time you let Rarity get a textbook first.
Ever the chivalrous gentleman.

>You watched as she quickly place her hand on top of the book but it never moved.
She's swearing an oath. Don't bother her.

>It must've been a minute before you spoke up. "Can ya hurry it up please?"
That's not a very nice thing to say to your crush.



>Realizing what she's doing Rarity squeaked
So, is Rarity part-mouse now?

>quietly grabbing the book.
>"Oookaay." You grabbed the other textbook and opened it up on page 632.
>'The Water Cycle huh?'
Need I remind you guys that this is taking place in a high school?

>Skimming through the page you got the basic information of the lesson and decided to take it easy for a while. Catching Rarity staring at you for a split second you decided to have some fun with her.
Please tell me you're not going to molest her underneath the desk.

>Grabbing the last piece of your get up.
>You pulled out a pair of sun glasses and put them on. These always work with the leather jackets....well not all the time at most.
Sunglasses and a leather jacket in science class? Really? Well, at least you can't say he's not trying.

>"Darling, why do you have those sunglasses? It's not even sunny in here." Rarity exclaimed perplexed at what you're getting at. Here it goes!
>"Because." You lowered your sunglasses down to see her better. "Our future is so bright to together!"
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

>Step one complete! This time around was different, you could see a light shade of pink spread across her cheeks.
I'd be embarrassed too if I had to sit next to the king of awful jokes.

>"Ahem!" Mr. Cranky Doodle voice caught your attention. "Why do you have a pair of 'rad shades' on you?"
>A little joke wouldn't hurt....for you of course.
>"Because the shininess of your head can blind eyes ya know?" By luck
I.e. the only thing you've ever had going for you, ever.
>a sudden breeze knocked the toupee off his head. You screeched. "Eeeek! Help!" You dramatically fainted causing the class to erupt in laughs.
Because eye damage is known to cause people to faint. Or this guy is as bad as acting as he is at joking and at flirting.



>"Rarebear help me up. Oh please!"
Making the woman pick you up? That's not very manly of you. But then, you've always been kind of a fruit anyway, so I guess it's fine.

>You raised your hand over to her direction. You could feel her fingers wrap around your hand. You hoisted yourself up with the help of Rarity and saw Mr. Cranky Doodle nervously looking for his toupee.
>You attempted to remove your hand from hers but found her fingers tightly locked on to yours.
I guess she had a bit of a mishap in arts and crafts last period.

>"Uh Rarity?" You looked at Mr. Cranky Doodle who looked he was about to explode until:
>Ding!!!
>The sudden loud noise made Rarity jump releasing her grip on you.
Because people get startled by things they hear six or seven times a day.

>You ran out of the classroom to avoid the teacher's wrath and scampered off to the cafeteria. Waiting in line as usual you looked behind you every now and then to make sure the teacher doesn't get you from behind.
I bet you'd just love for that to happen. You prancing fairy fruit.

>Grabbing your lunch from Mrs. Smith you walked to your table and sat down. Today's lunch period was rather quiet today which means less writing for you Hero.
>Meanwhile at the middle table
POV shift!

>"Should I invite him?" Pinkie asked her friends.
"No," said every single human being with a functioning brain.

>"Ah say we should." Applejack chipped in. "It really has been a while since we talked. It'll be a good chance to do so."
Because he's such a pleasant person to talk to.

>"I agree with AJ." Rainbow Dash inquired. "Mostly for the same reasons."
>"Me too." Sunset Shimmer agreed. "The only one who still has bad blood with me is him. I...need to apologize."
Of course Sunshit would opt to apologize to this stalking, giant-killing, autistic bully.



>No one asked her what she did seeing how disappointed Sunset was.
>"No!" Rarity shouted. "I don't want him there! He's just going to bother me all night. Absolutely no!"
I guess she really did have a mishap in arts and crafts.

>"Fluttershy?"
>"Oh um....if Rarity doesn't want him there then as her friends we should follow her request....if you want I guess." Fluttershy practically whispered to the others.
I'm not so sure if whispering in the cafeteria during lunchtime is practical.\

>"You sure about this Rarity?" Rarity nodded her head. "Alright then, he won't come to our slee-"
>"Oh Rarebear~"
He said, with a grin that all but revealed his hobby of torturing kittens in a dark basement.

>"Please don't." Rarity groaned banging her head at the table. "No I will not accept your 'offer' so will you go away!?"
Is Rarity bipolar or something?

>Attempt 26 Failed
>Hell....she already knew what you were going to say. You obeyed and walked away letting the wind guide you to who knows where.
Hopefully into traffic.

>"Just what is this offer Rarity? He's been asking you that all week."
>"It's nothing to concern yourselves about. I'll see you girls later tonight."
My guess is that our stalker sneaks into their sleepover next chapter.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 7 Part Two: The Sleepover // Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

>Walking out of the school you asked yourself just what are you going to do during times like this? No house, no money, no nothing.
Shouldn't have quit those gladiatorial games, then.

>Walking around the place you decided to see the boss again.
Hm?

>Even if you did resign from No Mans Land it doesn't mean you can't watch the fights.
Oh, it doesn't? Well, then. Any plausible explanation for people actually participating in this death game just got thrown out the window. Now it's back to just the author being edgy.

>You jogged your way to the shady alley where no one would ever suspect a thing.
>"Password." The guard coldly demanded.
>"Deireadh an domhain." The door opened. You stepped inside to see the place packed again. Being a spectator you switched your path from the Pit to the bleachers. Strange but it's reality now.
Still better than the author's reality, i.e. voluntary solitary confinement in his mother's basement.

>Taking your sit in the middle you watched on.
>"Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we have a good one for you!" A bulky middle age man stepped in. "Standing at six feet five inches tall....Rrrrrrrreeeeeeddddd Aaarrrrooowwww!" Red Arrow got a decent ovation from the crowd.
That name is lame.

>"And his opponent, from the bottomless pit this issss Aaaaddddddrrrrrraaaameleccchhh!" The crowd roared in cheers seeing a fan favorite. Adramelech wore nothing but red surrounding this body. His demonic look was truly terrifying.
Maybe if you're a fat, autistic teenager who writes fanfiction about a high school spinoff of a little girls' franchise about cartoon horses.



>"Fight!"
>Adramelech immediately went on the offensive side tackling Red Arrow while punching the living daylights out of him. Adramelech is literally a beast.
Then why isn't he using his claws or fangs?

>Red Arrow forcefully shoved him off catching his breath for a moment.
>"Hey you're Death!" Someone behind you blurted out catching the attention of the whole crowd.
Yes, ignore the mortal combat between a hulking middle-aged man and a werewolf. That stretchy teen guy is sitting on his ass in the bleachers!

>"Holy shit! It is Death!" You didn't even got to see the outcome of the match because you ran out of the bleachers and headed to the bosses office.
>Kicking the doors open you found the boss doing some paperwork.
>"Death?! What are you doing here???"
"I just realized that life as a hobo isn't for me. Can I go back to being a gladiator, please?"

>"Sorry if I can in at a bad time. I was trying watch a match until someone recognized me so I came here to avoid the horde."
>"Well what did you expect?"
Maybe that people wouldn't collectively sperg over some autistic teenager when people are fighting to the death in the arena?

>The boss raised his hands to the air. "You killed Gravestone last time you were here. That's a pretty big deal to everyone who knows about the place."
>You're so stupid sometimes.
The understatement to end all understatements.

>"Ah hell I forgot about that." You looked at the pile of papers. "Need any help with that?"
>Although it wasn't the most exciting thing to do you were bored. Heck you'd watch paint dry.
You know, I doubt the giant-slaying champion of the Irish arena would have any trouble getting laid if he went to the pub. At least, he wouldn't if he weren't this author's Gary Stu.



>Wasting six whole hours of boring adult things you waved the boss goodbye happy to see him again.
>"Now if I can just avoid these people." You whispered crouching. The place was still packed with people and corpses. You made sure to stick to the shadows like a ninja.
Unlike the author, whose protruding belly and crippling asthma would keep him from doing anything like this for five seconds without going out of breath.

>You were doing great actually, until you saw a decapitated head beside you.
>"OH FUCK!" You screamed causing heads to turn your direction.
You'd think he'd be used to this by now.

>"There's Death!" A supposedly fan shouted. Once you saw people getting out of there seat you knew it was time to bail. Running over the head you ran like your life depended on it. Bursting out of the doors you zipped across the streets not knowing where you were going until a familiar sight caught your attention.
A gay bar?

>"Sugarcube Corner!" Looking behind you saw that the crowd was at least a good two minutes behind. Reaching the bakery you nervously knocked on the door not caring about the"Sorry we're Closed" sign.
>"Open up, Open up!" Then someone opened the door.
>"Rarity!?" She had a similar look of confusion on her face.
Similar to what?

>"Well I knew you were crazy about....." Rarity rolled her eyes hearing you trying to flirt again.
Because what better time to flirt with your crush than when you're being chased by a horde of screaming fans?

>".....what the hell am I saying!? Can you go get Pinkie Pie for me?" You started to hear the mob reaching your only hope of escape closer.
>"Here I am!" You looked up to see Pinkie hanging by the ceiling.
>"Pinkie can I stay here for the night?" Hearing the sounds grow closer you grew more anxious. "Like right now!"
>"No! Pinkie Pie you said he wasn't going to come!"
One has to wonder how this even came up.



>"I didn't know he was even coming at all!" Pinkie protested.
>"Make up your mind already!" You shouted see the crowd at the end of the sidewalk.
>"Alright! Come In!" You leaped inside like a tiger catching his prey
Because has there ever been a better time to pretend to be a large cat?

>and closed the door. You sat behind the door feeling the footsteps shake the floor. After a minute the footsteps disappeared.
>You let out a huge sigh of relief. "Thank god they're gone! Thanks Pinkie..." Now that you looked at the bakery you found that all six girls were here in their pajamas.
Oh. So, it's not *that* kind of sleepover. I'm disappointed.

>"...what the hell?"
Something I'm tempted to say to this whole fanfic.

>"Hi?" They all said at once minus Pinkie Pie.
>"Sorry I didn't tell you but we're having a sleepover!" Pinkie threw confetti at you to add more emphasis. Really a sleepover?
He goes to Irish gladiatorial games in the deep, dark corners of the ghetto, and is surprised by teenage girls having a sleepover.

>"A sleepover? You know what? I'll just let myself go..."
He may be a sperg who tries to pass awful joke-telling off as flirting, but he crosses the line at things that might have even the slightest chance of actually getting him laid.

>"You can't go tonight! There's supposed to be a thunderstorm just about..." The sound of rain filled your hearing. "...Now." How does she do it?
Same way you get Luna to put on a fursuit.

>"Yeah." You said awkwardly. "Guess I have to choice then." Rarity wasn't so easy to convince.
>"No choice!? I say not! Go back to your parents house so we can have our fun." Everyone froze as soon as she finished. You felt your heart stop at the sound of your parents.
I'm sure the fat author knows all about having his heart stop.

>"Eh heh heh heh, don't say things like that Rarity!" As far as you knew it everyone here knew about your whole parent situation save for Rarity.
Oh, the contrivances!



>"Don't listen to her partner. Even if she doesn't know what's she's talking about." Applejack gave her the coldest stare she could muster.
>"R-right. I'll stay down here for the night if you don't mind." You declared taking your spot in front of the door.
If it's the closet door, then that's actually somewhat clever symbolism.

>"But the fun is happening right upstairs!"
>"Please Pinkie." You spoke in a serious tone. "Just....let me stay here."
This guy is just appalled at the thought of getting laid, isn't he?

>Pinkie Pie took the hint
, something you hardly ever do,
>and told everyone to come back upstairs. You took your sketchbook out of your pocket which mysteriously fit in there.
Even Author McHamplanet knows how contrived his story is.

>Oooohhh! It was a bit bended because of the running but it was still intact.
>Flipping the page to the image of your parents you stared silently at them. Tears dropping from your face after all these years you will always miss them.
Death. Giant-slayer, party animal, and sobbing little sissy.

>Meanwhile Up in Pinkie's Room
>"Just what in tarnation were you thinkin' Rarity?"
That maybe having a creepy stalker that nobody knows join their sleepover is a bad idea?

>"Yeah that was really messed up."
>"Now he won't join our sleepover!"
How tragic.

>"I hope he's okay after that mean thing you said."
>Rarity was stunned at this. All she did was tell him to go to his parents house and she was the mean one? This can't happen. You're the bad guy!
He kind of is.

>"What did I even do?!" Rarity asked making them all look at her she was stupid.
>"Don't you know about his parents?" Rarity shook her head. "That's explains it."
It doesn't explain why he's such a creep, or why he has the social skills of a castrated chimpanzee. But you know what would explain it? The author's BMI.



>"What about his parents? Are they always drunk? No wonder he is so ru-"
>"Rarity." Sunset Shimmer interrupted her. "His parents are dead."
Wah, wah.

>"What?" Rarity couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Probably because of how cliched it is.

>"His parents are dead...." Rarity looked at each one of them checking to see if it was true. All had a somber look on their face nodding.
>"Oh..." Rarity felt guilty. Apparently she was the only one who didn't know about this, and now she practically insulted his dead parents.
Well, considering the piece of shit they spawned before they passed, they probably deserve it.

>"Hey." Sunset Shimmer patted her shoulder. "It's not your fault. You didn't know."
Unlike everyone else in the school, whom the Gary Stu told despite ostensibly wanting to keep it a secret.

>All these times you've been bugging her, being immature, rude....was because your parents weren't there.
And in a single sentence, the author has insulted every orphaned child on the face of the Earth. Bravo.

>To make matters worse Rarity would always come off aggressive to you.
She was kind of justified.

>Those sad looks on your face that came around for split second, could it be that she was making you sad more than you should've been in the first place. Then she did something that surprised everyone.
>She cried.
>"Woah, why are you crying Rarity?" Rainbow Dash asked worried fir her friend.
"Because I just found out that my stalker has such a cliched and uninteresting backstory! Waaaaah!"



>"Because...I'm the one who makes him gloomy so much!" Rarity bursted into tears once more.
>"No, you didn't do it...I did." Sunset Shimmer admitted catching everyone by surprise.
>"You did?"
This should be interesti- *snore*

>"Don't you ever wonder why he's so hostile to me? It's because of what I did that involved his parents."
Oh. So, it's not because you brainwashed everyone in a bird-brained attempt at world conquest, and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to public property. Okay. Go on.

>"What did you do?"
>Sunset Shimmer took a deep breath. This was a story she never told anyone because of how cruel it was. She had to share it at some point.
You'd think that if it were so cruel, she'd have gone out of her way to make sure people knew.

>"It started off during Freshmen year when I was you know, evil. One day he stood up to me because I took his sketchbook thingy.
Oh, how cruel. Truly, truly horrendous. Makes Josef Mengele look like Jesus.

>I decided to get my revenge by asking around about it."
>"Oh I remember that!" Rainbow Dash chimed in. "You forced me to tell you something so personal that it'll destroy his heart."

>"Yeah thanks Dash. Anyways after that I followed him after school one day to see what he did. He went behind some alley and went in a mysterious building. When I went to go in some guy stopped and asked for a password which I found out the next day was Deireadh an Domhain."
>"W-what does that mean?" Rarity asked between sniffles.
"This is fucking stupid."



>"End of the World." The sound of thunder boomed causing the girls to jump. What luck!
>"Going inside I didn't know what to expect until I found dead corpses around. Asking around I found out that inside they played a game called No Mans Land which was basically an easy way to die. He was competing that day so I watched. He was ruthless is all I'm going to say and after the end of a match your supposed to kill your opponent."
>"Kill!? I've been best friends with a murderer all this time!"
>"No! He doesn't kill. He never did when he was there. Some called him a baby because of it. Gaining this new information I decided to dress like his mom while making fun of his dad....he broke down to tears afterwards and left the building."
I'm still having trouble believing that such an utter wuss wasn't annihilated in his first fight.

>"And I thought Rarity was cold." Dash muttered.
>"So now we now where he goes everyday." Applejack concluded.
>"Not anymore. Word went around saying that he resigned a few days later after his match with Gravestone who was the number one fighter there." Sunset didn't mention that he killed Gravestone so they wouldn't freak out. She was glad Gravestone was dead because he killed more than one hundred people. Serves him right.
I see. So, author, can you tell me why Shimmer decided to keep the whole thing a secret, both before and after she was reformed? No? Alright.

>Rarity burst into tears again.
>"Something wrong Rarebear?" You called from outside the door. Hearing your voice Rarity opened the door and pounced on you. She pulled you into a bear hug as tears flowed below her eyes.
Out the corners of her mouth, it seems.



>"What happened in here?" You questioned the others.
An orgy.

>"Just a change of heart...that's all." Sunset answered. You stared at her for a minute before realizing what she did. "You told them didn't you?"
>"That I did. Are you mad?"
You mad? You mad, brah? Kekekekekekeke!

>"No, no I'm not. Since you told them and poor ol' Rarebear is in tears then I'm guessing you realize you're mistakes."
>"That I also did. Sorry about the whole...Rarebear thing."
What the hell did she have to do with it? Is her prank the thing that gave this guy autism?

>"Don't be sorry! This is the longest Rarebear hugged me anyways."
She only hugged you before, like, once. Fuck off.

>You said gently caressing her left cheek.
>The feeling was more than enough to cause Rarity to fall asleep.
... I have nothing to say to this.

>Asking where her sleeping bag was you placed her there only to have her body cling on to you.
Ah, so in this story, Rarity is a borderline personality disorder having diva who sweats glue. Good to know.

>Seeing no way out of this you lay down on her sleeping bag with Rarity gently snoring on your neck.
>A chorus of Aww's went around the room especially from Pinkie Pie who seemed to understand what was going on between the two of you even if it made her jealous.
Pinkie might be the only half-decent character in the whole story.

>"So what did you girls get Rarebear for her special day tomorrow?"
I don't want to know.




//------------------------------//
// Chapter 8: Rarity's Birthday! (Attempt #28)// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

>Rarity woke up the following day to find herself cuddled up next to you.
Perish the thought.

>The events of the previous day came to mind as she let you hold her. Although she didn't mind.
I see Rarity's going through a bit of a sanity slippage.

>"Glad to see you awake Rarebear." You said getting up with her falling down to her own sleeping bag.
That's kind of rude.

>Attempt 28
Say what you will about his priorities, but you can't say they're not consistent.

>To prepare for the sleepover yesterday she brought the best sleeping bag she had.
And now, she'll have to burn it. Such a pity.

>The one that was most comfortable, soft, warm, she felt none of those things as she lay on the sleeping essential.
The what who?

>Letting out a groan of dissatisfaction Rarity tried to get comfortable like she did on days she actually used the sleeping bag. Finding no luck in this
As all the luck in the bakery got soaked up by the Gary Stu.

>she got up and went in the bathroom to get ready for her day.
>"She's going to be there for about two hours or so, what should we plan until then?"
A-hyuck hyuck, them womens, right?

>"I can handle the party decorations, all you girls and guy have to do his distract her until her party begins!"
But isn't she busy in the bathroom?

>"So we're going to wait for her? Two hours of nothing?"
Still more entertaining than this fanfic.

>"Yep!" You groaned out loud.
Rest assured that the audience is all groaning with you. For different reasons, sure, but you have to count your blessings.

***

>"Alright girls I'm done!" Rarity chirped
First she's a mouse, now she's a bird. What next, a moose?

>exiting the bathroom to see everyone else sleeping.
Someone must have read this fanfic to them.



>There was person in particular that she looked for.
>You weren't there.
"What a relief!" Rarity said, cured of the author's bad writing.

>In panic Rarity woke up everyone. "Where is he!" She shrieked into their ears.
Evidently, before doing this, she grew five floating heads and sent them to her friends' ears to shreik in them.

>"Rarity calm down." Sunset tried to calm down Rarity.
Yes, dialogue is a saying speech, isn't it, author?

>"Calm down!? Today's my birthday and I want him to be here!"
It's official. She's completely lost it.

>The others smiled knowing that Rarity is starting to warm up to you quickly.
Everyone has completely lost it.

>"This is no smiling matter we must find him!"
>As Rarity headed through the door Pinkie Pie stopped her. "Don't worry Rarity I know where he is but it's a secret!"
By all means, Pinkie. Keep it a secret. Please. We would all really appreciate it.

>"A secret? I do love a guy who's mysterious..."
What on Ireland's ghetto gladiator arena is mysterious about this guy?

>Realizing what she said Rarity attempted to correct herself. ".....from my novels obviously."
Her piles of vanity published modern fantasy romance novels, all of which she writes within the space of three months. Still better than this fanfic.

>"Riiighttt." Pinkie Pie said sarcastically. "Anyways you should go with the others to your shopping spree."
>"But I want him to come too!" Rarity whined ticking Pinkie's nerves.
Right, because an autistic, stalking, giant-killing hobo with awful jokes will certainly have a good sense of fashion.

>"Well as requested by you." Pinkie showed her the paper. "You told me not to invite him to any of birthday festivities this year.
I hope this is a legally binding contract. It's a vain hope, but a hope nonetheless.



>He'll only be by for a minute to drop off your gift. Hope you don't mind!"
>"Don't mind!? I do mind!"
>"We can't have the birthday girl mad!"
Then wouldn't it make sense to *not* let the mentally crippled class clown stay for the party?

>Rarity nodded. "I'll shorten it down to 30 seconds." Rarity snatched the paper away from Pinkie Pie and ripped it in half.
I wish I could get out of a contract by ripping a copy of it in half.

>"Alright we'll have him not show up at all, geez!"
>"I demand that he will be here at once!"
>Pinkie pondered about this for a moment. If she can get Rarity to hate you then you'll be hers to keep.
If he can't get Rarity to hate him, there's nobody on this planet who can.

>Brilliant!
By the author's standards, at least.

>"Oh uh...yeah I was just lying to you!
She could've at least said "I was joking".

>Heh heh, always a classic! He's actually going to meet at the mall when you get there. If he's not there then wait for a minute." Or forever.
Please let it be forever.

>"Yes!" Rarity shouted before looking at all the eyes staring at her. "Because of the shopping spree of course. Now let's go shall we?"
Better bring the dextromethorphan tablets first, girls. Hundreds of them. You'll need it.

***

>You walked along the sidewalk trying to think about what would be the perfect present for Rarity?
Don't ask me, you dolt. You're the author.

>The mall had to be avoided because Rarity and the others will be there.
Such a pity. The number one creep magnet in the city is off limits.

>You told Pinkie Pie that you would be arriving late in case you had trouble like now. What a good friend she is!
Let me remind you that this guy has a 68-0 win/lose ratio in a gladiatorial death arena, and has been living in the ghetto for five years.

>Lately you noticed people heading left. Maybe there was something you missed.
The tiny glimmer of hope that this fanfic will ever be good, perhaps?



>You stopped and turned the other way. A few minutes of walking you started to say see the market place come into the view.
This world, like so many 3d platformer games from the early 2000's, has a field of view that only goes up sixty feet.

>You facepalmed for not thinking of this sooner. But then again this place only opens on the weekends which you
>speneded
>inside the Pit.
Wait, I thought it was called No Man's Land. Now it's called the Pit? Please don't tell me we're getting into Fallout: Equestria Girls.

>"Gather around folks and listen here! We have the best deals you could every imagine!" You looked at the direction of the voice and it was none other than Flim alongside his brother Flam. Back when you hung out with Applejack she told you about these two guys who tried to buy her family's farm with their dirty tricks.
Get ready, guys. The author's about to rail against all those con artists who scammed him out of so much of his parents' hard-earned cash.

>"Fake!" You yelled out as you passed their stand. You could feel the brothers cold stare before they went back to advertising for who knows what?
Probably a portal out of this fanfic.

>It took thrity minutes of looking around the market place before you found what you were looking for. There sitting on a table was a diamond necklace.
Which the homeless orphaned hobo is going to be able to afford, somehow.

>You stared at it in awe at
>suck
>a magnificent piece of art.
Typo, or Freudian slip? You decide!

>"Beautiful ain't it?" You looked up to see a man with a spiffy blue tuxedo accompanied by a golden belt. Damn!
Rarity would be offended at this guy's tacky wardrobe.

>"Name's Filthy Rich, pleasure to meet your acquaintance." You shook his hand and told him how much was the diamond necklace.
Why are you telling him? He owns the shop.



>"The diamond necklace? That costs 7 thousand dollars." Your face dropped as you heard the price. Seven grand? Well it is made up diamond after all.
Think of all those pastel colored Africans who died getting these precious gems to this jewelry stand.

>"Oh..." You muttered until an idea popped in your mind. "...oh! I know where I can get money! I'll be back later Mr. Rich!"
Really? You won't even look around at the other pieces of jewelry out there? Sure.

>You ran as fast as you could wasting enough time already.
Bro, your *whole existence* is a waste of time.

***

>"Can we go now Rarity? We've been waiting for an hour now!" Rainbow Dash protested.
Topcunt has a point.

>"Pinkie Pie said he'll be here so we're going to wait until then." Rarity countered back not caring how much time she was going to have to wait.
Pinkie Pie is a self-admitted liar at this point, so why take her word for it?

>"Oh I don't mind if we wait a little longer. Isn't that right Mr. Duck?" Fluttershy asked to the duck in the fountain.
Maybe the necklace is a red herring, and the duck is the MacGuffin. Just throwing that out there.

>"Quack!"
Something I would call the author's therapist.

***

>"Password?" You were back here again for a reason. To fulfill the heart of Rarity.
Are you sure it's not to fulfill your anus?

>"Deireadh an Domhain."
>The door slided open allowing you to go in. To prevent the incident that happened yesterday you put on a paper bag on your face to be unrecognizable.
A most convincing disguise. Almost as good as crouching in a cardboard box.

>"And the winner is Rrrrrrreeeeeddddd Aarrrrooowwwww!" Guess Red Arrow won the match last time you came. You jumped over the head that blew your cover last time and made your way to the bosses office.
With janitors like these, it's a wonder that this place isn't littered with rotting corpses.



>"If you want to join No Mans Land then you'll have to sign this paper....paper bag guy." The boss said as you stood there waiting for him to finish.
>"Actually sir it's me." You admitted lifting the bag over your head.
>"Death! You're back or should I say bag already?
I can see where he gets his sense of humor.

>It's like you never left heh heh." The boss chuckled. His puns are way better than yours!
Which is like saying that heart disease is way better than cancer.

>Strange.
>"I came here to ask about something sir." The boss raised an eyebrow. "You see today's my friends birthday and I want to be her a gift. The thing is it's too expensive. Does my matches and the paperwork I did yesterday gain me any money."

>"Of course it does!" The boss pulled out his wallet. "How much does this gift cost?"
>"Seven Thousand dollars." The boss flinched. He looked at you to see if you were joking.
>"You serious?" You nodded. "I'm sorry but the only way I can give that kind of money is if you compete in another match." Your eyes shot wide opened.
Why? You have a 68-0 winning streak, and the author's blessing. It's confounding that you quit in the first place.

>"If you're up for it and survive then I'll be happy to give you the
>"Anything for my Rarebear." You muttered under your breath.
Except leaving her alone. That's off limits.

>"I'll do it sir!"
>"Great! You'll be going up in a while. I suggest you prepare until then." You thanked him before going out the door and in the training room.

***

>"Rarity let's go already! He's not coming, if he was then he would've been here five hours ago." Time escalated fast for Rarity as she waited for you.
>"Five hours!? It's been that long already?"
She has apparently spent that time in a diabetic coma.



>"Rarity look at me." Rainbow Dash commanded. "If we wait for another few hours then the mall will close. Let's just go and if he doesn't show up then he'll most likely be at the pa-"
>Sunset Shimmer cleared her throat not wanting Dash to ruin the surprise.
>"Oh yeah I forgot." Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly.
>"Well I supose you're right Rainbow Dash. Oh alright let's go do some shopping!"
I recommend pest control spray. Excellent for Mary Sues.

***

>"Ladies and Gentlemen for one night only we're bringing back a fighter we'll know you'll enjoy!" You waited behind the pit for your name to be announced.
>"Our first fighter, the only one to ever beat Gravestone...." The cheers grew louder knowing it the secret fighter was.
>"The teen called Ddddeeeeeeaaaaatttthhhhhh!"
Go ahead and laugh, guys.

>You walked in the pit getting a great reaction from the crowd.
>"His opponent, weighing in 189 pounds Llllaaannnnccceee Mmmmoootttoddddaaaa!" Walking in the pit was a guy wearing tights with red designs over them? Boots? Tape on his wrists? Elbow pads? He must be at the wrong place this is real fighting.
Says "the teen called Death".

>Fight!
>In a blink of an eye Lance Motoda jumped up and hit you in the eye.
>"Fuck!" You howled in pain feeling your eye swell up in pain. Not giving you a chance to recover Lance kicked you repeatedly on the chest. Guess boots do come in handy.
Duh. Everyone else in the EqG world wears them. You're just a moron.

>Having grown bored of kicking you Lance picked you up and slamed you hard on the ground inflicting more damage to the chest.
>Lance grabbed the collar of your shirt and threw you across like a ragdoll. Groaning in pain you attempted to stand up only for Motoda to stomp on your head dropping you back down.
This fanfic manages to make fights to the death in a gladiatorial arena sound boring.



>"This is the end of you Death. The Glove!"
The Glove, I must remind you, is a glove "accompanied by scissors and knives wired around it".

>The glove dropped to the ground as the crowd desperately wanted you to get back up. This was it. Your luck had finally run out. Lance turned to you with a demonic smile plastered on his lips.
It came with the costume.

>"Can't let my Rarebear down!" Adrenaline flowed through your veins causing you to get back up and start fighting again. Not wanting a face full of knives im his face Motoda dropped the glove and ran straight towards you.
>Using all your strength you threw Lance Motoda high in the air and hit him jaw first with your elbow ending the brawl.
Anyone else noticing the disparity between how much punishment Gary can take, and how much everyone else can take?

>"The winner is......Ddddeeeeeeeaaaaattthhhhhh!" The pain from the fight hit you like a train making you fall down to your knees. The boss rushed up to you and asked if you were okay.
>"Buy.....diamond....necklace....at..the..market....place...." You fell face first to the ground unconscious.
"Um, dude? Can you be more specific? Ah, forget it. The plot will tell me."

***

>The five friends were walking back to Sugarcube Corner with shopping bags in their hands. The shopping spree had took them all day but it was worth it. For everyone except Rarity who felt empty for some reason.
A trip to the food court should fix that right up. I'm sure the author knows all about it.

>"You okay there Rarity?" Applejack commented.
>"Oh yes I am it's nothing really. Let's just go to the surprise party and have some fun." Rarity suggested shocking the rest.
>"You just had to tell her didn't you Rainbow Dash."
>"Hey it wasn't me!"
>"Why if I come over there an-"
I can't tell who's talking to whom anymore. This is the most poorly written dialogue in the whole story, and that's really saying something.



>"Girls it wasn't you. I kinda knew already due to the fact that you threw me one each year."
>"Oh."
>'Well can you at least act surprise? Pinkie went through a lot to make it for ya." Applejack pointed out.
Oh, finally, a dialogue tag!

>"Already planned on it." Rarity replied opening the door when:
>"Surprise!!!"
>"Oh a surprise party for me?" Rarity leaned against the wall. "I am in total shock!"The girls rolled their eyes knowing Pinkie would be the only one to fall for it.
Pinkie, the liar, cannot notice a lie. Rightey-o then.

>But as Rarity scanned the room she didn't see you anywhere.
Yawn.

***

>You woke up to find yourself on one of the hospital beds. The beating you took was pretty rough but you won it.
>"Glad too see you awake." The bosses voice was heard. Looking to your left you saw him holding a small box. "Here's the thing ya asked for before you passed out." The boss tossed the small box to you. Catching it like a boss you opened it to see the same diamond necklace from before.
Wouldn't a seven thousand dollar necklace in an impoverished ghetto stick out like a sore thumb? Why isn't it wrapped in newspaper or something? Does *nobody* here have *any* street smarts?

>"Oh thank you sir you don't know how much this means to me!" You cried out. "Wait how long was I out for?"
>"For about four hours in counting." The boss answered not aware of your situation.
>"Four hours!? I'm going to miss Rarity's birthday!"
Yes, ignore the fact that you've just recovered from a near-fatal beating in as little as four hours. You just missed your Rarebear's birthday!

>You jumped off the bed and kicked the door open revealing the hallways of CanterlotMed. That's really far from here. Not wasting time you headed for the stairs and went down them in a breeze.
>Ignoring the check out center
Because follow-up appointments are for sissies.



>you burst through the doors and ran to the direction of town that you were most familiar with.
>"Please don't let me be late!"
Don't worry. The author wouldn't let you be late for anything without good reason.

***

>Meanwhile at Sugarcube Corner
>Rarity has waited for another 3 hours for your arrival. She just watched the door for countless minutes hoping you would walk through them.
>You never did.
>Feeling tears
of joy
>come down her eyes Rarity cursed herself for spending her whole birthday waiting for you. She could've been there having fun but nooo, she waited for a guy who never even showed up.
And she has only herself to blame.

>"I'm here! I'm here!" You yelled out catching your breath from running two miles nonstop.
A distance the author will never run in his lifetime.

>Seeing Rarity byherself on the couch you headed her direction with the gift behind your hands.
>"Hey Rarity guess what I got you."
"A more charismatic stalker? Oh, you shouldn't have!"

>She crossed her arms and looked the other way. "Is there something the matter Rarity?" You asked not knowing that was her breaking point.
>"What's the matter with me!" She screamed causing you to take a few steps back. She got up and stared at you with furious eyes. "You're what's the matter! Abandoning me and you're just showing up now!?"
>"But I brought you a present." You protested in defense revealing the small box to her. She stared at it for a few seconds before slapping the gift to the right.
You'd think Rarity could tell the difference between a jewelry box and a Jack-in-the-box.



>"That's it!? You made me miss out on my birthday waiting for you to show up at the mall for five hours and here for three just for that small box!"
>You looked at Pinkie who along with everyone else was watching on. "B-but Pinkie Pie was supposed to tell you that I w-"
>"Pinkie Pie has nothing to do with this!" Rarity was in tears now shouting at you for a reason that you don't even understand. "Don't be blaming on others for your short comings. This is all your fault! You have ruined by birthday party!"
Should've keep that contract active.

>You watched as Rarity was gasping for air after screaming at you for a minute. Hanging your head done in shame. You took out your sketchbook.
>Attempt 28 Fai-
These are some of the most consistent priorities I have ever seen.

>You felt your sketchbook slip out of your hands as Rarity slapped it out of your hands in the same manner as her gift. "Don't go on writing in that book when I'm talking to you! I am trying to tea......." Your mind tuned Rarity out while you watched your sketchbook land on the campfire.
>The sketchbook you spent years on drawing was gone just like that. More importantly that one drawing.
His stick figure magnum opus.

>You slowly walked to the fire and grabbed the sketchbook not caring how hot it is. You turned to the page where your parents were and found it ruined.
>That's the moment you finally snapped.
The moment you've all been waiting for, folks.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 9: The Jump// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

Before I go on, I'll tell you that this is a short chapter (less than 400 words), so I'll be doing the next one right afterward. The next chapter is the last chapter, so once that's over with, the riff will be finished. Since I like doing these riffs, it might not be my last, so go ahead and link me to a story you think needs riffing once this one is done.

>Short Chapter :rainbowwild:
Immersion, folks.

>That's the moment you finally snapped.
Really? Because I was about to snap at chapter five; the only thing that prevented that was the unintentionally hilarious gladiatorial games.

>Throwing the sketchbook as far as you could you left Sugarcube Corner silently.
Well, as silently as a sobbing snot-nosed simpleton could, anyway.

>"Everything's ruined!" You screamed walking out during the night.
Everything was ruined when your mom decided that her fiftieth birthday was a wonderful time to get pregnant.

>Rarity hate's you, you almost got yourself killed for nothing, and worst of all your sketchbook was burned to shreds by now.
No need to narrate what already happened, bro. We're not idiots. Well, some of us aren't.

>'Is life even worth it anymore?'
I'm sure it's at least worth more than this fanfic.



>What are you going to do now?
Keep mocking the author and his self-insert crap, that's what.

>Sleep out on the streets like nothing has happened? No major shit has happened right fucking now!
Really? The *best* time to sleep is after major shit happened.

>'Or should I end it all?'
Perhaps the best option.

>Why haven't you already?
This is a question best directed at the author.

>Speneded five grueling years in misery should've been enough for anyone else.
Some people spend their entire childhoods in misery and come out major successes. You're just a wuss.

>But you managed on. However now the most important things in your life has been shredded.
At the moment where the most important thing in your life is a sketchbook with stick figures scribbled into it, you need to rethink your life choices.

>Why still go through life?
Because you're probably going to hell for harassing Rarity and generally being a complete ass.

>"There's nothing else for me." Reality came back to you. "There's nothing fucking else for me to do! Life's just a shitty way to make you miserable. We all die anyways so what's the fucking point!?"
There are plenty of philosophers who've tackled this question. Kierkegaard, Heidegger, and Nietzsche to name a few. Maybe reading a real book for once in your life will make you less of a retard.

>You scanned the area for any high buildings you could spot.
An actual city will be full of them. No scanning required. Too bad the author's never set foot outside his suburb to realize this.

>"Canterlot Inn." You muttered under your breath seeing it stand at least 30 feet above ground.
Wow. A whole 30 feet. Quite the edifice.

>"Perfect! Just fucking dandy!" You shouted opening the door to the hotel. It was rather busy that night so no one paid attention to you.
>"Not like they ever did anyways."
I dunno, guy. You seemed to be a center of attention as the clown of remedial science class.



>With a serious look on your face you powered walked
Something that the doctors recommended the author to do, but he powered drank diet coke instead.

>to the stair since most would use the elevator.
The author included.

>Walking up for a few minutes you finally spotted a door that read:
>Balcony
Pussy. Go on the roof like a man.

>Opening the door you were met with a gust of wind blowing right at your face.
>Nonchalantly,
Because any suicide should be a casual affair.

>you reached the edge of the building looking down at the ground. Solid enough.
For an autistic teen made of rubber? I doubt it.

>"Mom, Dad, your boy's coming home!" You shouting diving to the ground.
Don't get your hopes up. I doubt Satan's gonna let you visit them in hell.

>As you were falling to your death you felt the huge weight come off your shoulders not having to worry about anything anymore. Today is Game Over for you.
Insert a quarter to restart.

>Seeing the ground a few feet below, you braced yourself when you heard a voice.
"Bite this pen, sweat pea. I'm going in dry."

>"Darling Stop!" The sound of the wind came to an erupt stop for you.
>'It's done'
Given the existence of one more chapter of this crap, I doubt it.



//------------------------------//
// Chapter 10: Flipped// Story: Love Attempts// by TheLoneHero17//------------------------------//

>As soon as you left Rarity sat back down at the couch angrily.
Her ass can express anger, it seems.

>She wiped the many tears from her face along with some mascara.
The mascara being worth far more than the sketchbook she ruined.

>The party died down a minute later making people leave out of awkwardness.
The Teen Called Death. Giant-slayer, class clown, party pooper.

>Rarity sat alone at the bakery in her own thoughts.
Her thoughts being the thing that could've kept her from associating with this loser in the first place.

>Out of the corner of her eye was the small gift brought to her before she snapped. Out of curiosity Rarity grabbed the box and stared at it.
>"All because of this stupid box that has garbage in it! Oh what did I expect? The guy was homeless anyways. As if he was going to get me something nice.
A rare moment of clear thinking for Rarity.

>Let's see what trash he got me now!" Rarity popped open the lid and looked inside with wide eyes.
It's a cartoon. *All* their eyes are wide.

>"Oh.....my." It was a diamond necklace. One that she yearned for too long. Grabbing the necklace she brought it closer to her eyes to see if it was real or not.
>It was.
Quite presumptuous of her to assume.

>Rarity could feel her bottom lip quivering while her vision got blurry.
She's literally holding the idiot ball.

>The guy who bothered her since the start of school. The guy who humiliated her far too many times. The guy who's breaking point finally shattered...by her. They guy who loved her with all his might was you.
Retarded stray puppies can also love people. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be euthanized.

>"What have I done...."
What any halfway sane person would've done.

>Rarity cried her heart out
So that the other five girls could offer it to the Aztec gods.



>those couple of minutes realizing that she was a fool for denying your many attempts.
What? Why? She got a seven thousand dollar necklace out of the deal. That doesn't sound foolish to me.

>That may've been the last time a guy gave their full undivided attention to her, tried many times to woo her heart which she pushed away without consideration.
Oh, come on. I'm sure Rarity has about a dozen autistics stalking her. This one just happens to be a Gary Stu.

>Clutching the necklace close to her heart Rarity discovered who her heart desires.
>You.
If her heart really is this stupid, maybe the Aztec gods shouldn't accept the offering.

>The times the two of you holded hands came into memory. The reason why her hand lingered around his was revealed,
Revealed to whom? The author's fucking up his POV's again.

>but some part of her took over and pushed the feeling away.
That's her canon self, in another desperate attempt to fight back against this bipolar brat who's taken over her body with the help of a malevolent, obese, autistic god.

>The time where she hugged you came into mind next. It was the first time where Rarity had noticed how fit you really were.
If you really want to be fit, author, you'll have to diet and exercise just like everyone else. Fanfiction will not make your pot belly disappear.

>The fuzzy feeling she felt during the hug that made her pull him back when he tried to leave.
>Lastly there was the time Rarity slept with you. It was true she did cry when she heard what you've been through. When you called out making sure she was okay, Rarity opened the door and hugged you like any good friend would do.
Again with the reiterating what already happened before. This fanfic barely qualifies as a novella. We don't need these reminders.

>But friends usually don't hug each other until they wake up. The way she clung on to your body not wanting to let go to her everything.
She sweats glue. Clinging to things is her thing.



>"I-i'm in love
No. You're in your manic phase, and are delusional. See a therapist, and make sure he's better than the one the author's parents hired to fix his autism.

>....and I didn't realize it till now....I have to go find him!" Rarity put the necklace around her neck and made a beeline out the door in hopes of finding you.
The city's a pretty big place, Rare. Are you sure you don't want to call for help? Or maybe do what the actual Rarity would do, and not bother rescuing a mentally crippled creep from his own stupidity.

>Rarity didn't notice however was Pinkie Pie who never moved an inch since Rarity's outburst. Pinkie Pie felt extremely guilty that she lied to Rarity now it came to this.
Don't drag Pinkie through the mud, author. She's the only likeable character here.

>Ruining a birthday party of a friend no less. This wasn't whi she truly was
None of the canon characters are in character. This should go without saying.

>and all because of a boy who loved Rarity whom loved him back.
But Rarity only loves him when she's manic. That's not love. That's insanity.

>"I got to fix this.....somehow."
You wanna know how you can fix this? Make the fat author get a life.

***

>Rarity ran to the right where she had last seen you go when you left.
At least she's aware of his autistic love for routine.

>"Please be okay!"
Please not.

>Running uphill bright lights were seen throughout the area. Rarity assumed that she was near Canterlot Inn.
On what grounds?

>Ignoring the lights Rarity continued to run until she heard your voice:
"*autistic screeching*"

>"Mom, Dad, your boy's coming home!" Rarity looked up to the direction of your face and was mortified to see what you were doing.
>"Suicide..." She muttered. Rarity gasped in horror as she saw you jump of and started to plummet to the ground.
>"Darling! Stop!" She screamed but it was too late.
Yawn.



>The last sound she heard was a loud thud followed hy silence. Your body was more twisted then a pretzel. Limbs in places they shouldn't be.
He's fine. This is par for the course in his gladiator fights.

>Rarity screamed as loud as she could. "No! No! Nooo!" Moments later a huge crowd of people came outside to see what was going on only to see a motionless body surrounded with blood.
And promptly took video of it to upload to Youtube.

"Someone call 911 quick!" A man shouted while he ran up to check your body. "He's got a pulse!
Was anyone expecting any different?

Hurry people!"
Take your time. Please. At least finish your mobile app games before you go to help this jackass.

***

>Rarity watched the paramedics take her true love inside the ambulance. That's something a girl shouldn't see at all.
The Teen Called Death is something a girl shouldn't see at all.

>"Alright ma'am please tell us what happened."
>Rarity struggled between words. "I-I jus-just c-came here t-to l-lo-look f-for him when I-I saw his b-b-bod-body...."
This is not a traumatic experience. This is a cathartic one. She would know this if she were in her depressive phase.

>Rarity didn't continue as a result of her crying again.
>"Hey don't worry ma'am, he's in good hands now. One more question, do you know why he did this?"
"Because the author wouldn't know decent writing if it crawled underneath his enormous mantits and licked up all the fungus."

>Rarity's tears came into a halt when she heard the question. Her wobbly hand pointed to her before she bursted into tears once more. All the man could do was hug her.
That's not true. He could've indicted her for murder. Though, considering who this is, the judge might let her off with two hours of community service.

>For the last month Rarity kept to herself.
A month that could've extended to several more chapters, but were summarized in a few sentences because they wouldn't focus enough on the Stu.



>She avoided her friends when they approach her. When they do manage to see her and ask about you, she walked the other direction trying hard not to cry by hugging the necklace given to her.
That must be a pretty big necklace if she can *hug* it.

>Rarity would take her time going to Mr. Cranky Doodles class having the empty seat next to her....just reminding Rarity what she did. Whenever the teachers called on her during class she simply said I don't know before hiding her face in her arms.
Probably out of embarrassment for getting bent out of shape over this sperg.

>During lunch Rarity would grab her tray and sat down at your former seat. The table itself made you feel a lot better because it was where you sat.
I didn't realize that the table was magical and could send good juju all the way to the hospital.

>She would finish her lunch quickly and put her head holding the necklace next to her.
Um, what?

>It got to the point where Principal Celestia called Rarity to her office asking what was wrong. Rarity answered again with an I don't know.
You'd think Principal Celestia would've gotten the news. Imagine the headlines. "Autistic Hobo Finally Takes a Flying Leap". "'The Teen Called Death' Finally Meets Death". "Village Idiot Finally Takes His Deceased Father's Advice".

>In reality Rarity did know....she missed you dearly.
>The usual flirting followed by the attempts were absent for two whole months. When Rarity got home the first month was filled with crying herself to sleep. The second month she would lay down on her bed and hug her diamond necklace.
Boring.

>She even went so far as to ignoring her own sister by yelling at her to go away.
Isn't that what every big sister does to their younger sibling?

>That's the basic routine Rarity went through during you absence.
Thank you for telling us this, author.



>Her friends however weren't as quiet.
>"What's wrong with my sister?" Sweetie Belle asked the six girls.
She's been possessed by a retarded demon with manic depressive disorder.

>Fed up with the constant neglecting Sweetie Belle wanted to find out what was going on.
Does nobody in this story read the news?

>"To be honest none of us know why she's likes this but we know what caused her to." Sunset Shimmer answered.
"We don't know why, but we know why." Fucking Sunshit.

>"Um.....isn't that the same thing?" Sweetie Belle asked.
It is.

>"It'll be better if we explained. You see there was this guy she knew that bugged her all the time by aski-"
>"Asking her out!" Sweetie Belle blurted out already knowing about you. "Rarity used to come home everyday and tell me about this guy who would flirt with her and then ask her out everyday!"
>"Were you at Rarity's surprise party then?"
>"I couldn't make it because someone forgot to invite." Sweetie Belle snarled referring to Pinkie Pie.
You're better off, Sweets. Trust me on this.

>"It wasn't my fault that I forgot to!" Pinkie Pie lied knowing that she purposely did that under Rarity's wishes if something bad were to happen which in a way did.
That is the longest, most pointless dialogue tag I have ever seen in my life.

>"Right anyways, he was gone for the whole day which angered your sister. When he did come back with a small box and presented it to Rarity she yelled at him."
>"Ooh bad move Rarity hates small gifts ever since someone gave her a ketchup packet in one." Sweetie Belle chuckled as she remembered the face her sister made when she found the packet.
No. Bad author. Stop abusing dialogue tags to give us irrelevant exposition that goes nowhere. Put it in a 3000 word infodump paragraph like everyone else on Fimfiction. At least then, I can scroll past it.



"Funny but this is serious. Rarity slapped the present which I assume is the necklace she has right now." Sunset Shimmer pointed at at Rarity whom at the time placed the necklace on the table.
>"Wow he gave her a diamond necklace! That's cool! But why is she so sad then?"
Because she's the love interest for a fat autist's self-insert.

>"When Rarity threw his sketchbook at the fireplace he sort a lost it. Last I saw him was when he left. None of us have a clue where he went so we tried to asked Rarity but she just keeps on avoiding us." The rest of the girls nodded in agreement.
>"Maybe he died?" Sweetie Belle inquired. The girls gasped in shock. "What!?"
>"Sweetie Belle that's a horrible thought!"
It's a beautiful thought, actually.

>Applejack thought about it. "It would explain a lot but that's beside the point."
>"If we can't find out the easy when then we'll force it out her!" Rainbow Dash suggested with a mixed reaction.
Yes. Torture your grieving, clinically insane best friend, so you can interrogate her. That's what heroes do, right?

>"You can't do that to my sister!"
>"It's probably for the best."
>"It's not very nice...if you don't mind me saying so."
>"Ah don't mind as long as it doesn't break her whole darn heart."
Oh, so the Aztec gods didn't accept the offering. Good for them.

>Pinkie Pie had been quiet these last two months too. Knowing that she made all this happen with that lie haunts her at night.
>"Wait do you think Pinkie?"
>"Huh? Oh yeah we should do!" Pinkie lied not knowing what the conversation was about. People should say yes to everything right?
Yes.

>"Alright forcing her is a go but let's not make her cry okay?" The others minus Pinkie who still had no idea what was going on nodded their heads. Sweetie Belle hesitantly agreed wanting her sister to go back to normal.
If you want her to go back to normal, then you will hire an exorcist, not pretend to be an inquisitor.



>Three of them went left, two went right and Applejack went to the center in case she decided to jump over the table.
How did that table get there?

>"Rarity!" Hearing the sound of her friend made Rarity snap out of her saddened trance. Seeing her three friends to her right she attempted to go left only to be met by her other two friends. Soon after she got up and jumped from the table only to be caught by Applejack.
Wait for it...

>"Ah got her!" Applejack cried out gathering around her friends.
>"Let me go!" Rarity begged with no luck. There is always a Plan B. "Rover! Fido! Spot!"
Wait for it...

>Three bulky students blocked Applejack's way.
>"Let go of Rarity before we make you!" Applejack trying to get past them failed as the trio attempted to grab Rarity from Applejack's hold.
Wait for it...

>"Let go of Rarebear will ya!" A voice called stopping Rarity's train of thought.
There! Well, we all knew this would happen eventually.

>"It can't be." Rarity murmured now easily popping out from Applejack's grasp. Looking to the direction of the voice she saw no one. It was her imagination again.
The Teen Called Death is now one with the Force.

>Rarity was on the verge of tears as she ran out of the cafeteria to avoid her friends once more.
I'm bored. Will we get to see the Pit one last time?

***



>The following day was more or less the same for poor Rarity. Headed to Science Class Rarity sighed sadly as the memories she shared with you in that class came into mind.
>'Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.'
>'Rarity if you wanted to hold hands you could've just asked....I don't mind.'
>'Are you tired? Cause you've been running around in my mind all day!'
>'Our future is so bright to together!'
Those four lines summarize everything that's shit about this guy.

>"I miss you so much darling." She kissed the diamond before walking into the class where she saw what seemed like a new student sitting at your chair. It was hard to tell what the student looked like because of the hoodie that covered their face.
Subtle as a hammer to the balls, author. You fat moron.

>"That's not your seat." Rarity whispered coldly about to teach the student a piece of her mind until Mr. Cranky Doodle spoke up.
>"Please take your sit Rarity." Cursing under her breath Rarity sat down at the far edge of the table holding her precious diamond from the potential thief.
If you don't want your diamond necklace stolen, then don't being it to school, you idiot.

>"Alright class....and welcome about Chuckles, haven't seen you in a while." Rarity heart skipped a beat.
>"Is it really him?"
Yes, it is.

>"Again with this Chuckles nonsense? Here I am thinking you forgot about me." The student replied removing the hood revealing none other than you.
My eyes cannot roll harder.

>"I can never forget a student like you? Class please turn to page 704." Rarity was shaking in her seat. There you were back into her life.
>You placed your hand on the textbook. "You know you want to Rarebear." Squealing silently Rarity quickly scooted her chair next to yours and went under your arm before placing her hand on top of yours.
I stand corrected.



    >"Am I dreaming?" She questioned you.
    >"Does this feel real enough for you?" You answered locking your fingers with Rarity's and holding her hand tightly. Rarity's eyes began to water as her life shined brighter than ever.
    I stand corrected again.

    >When class ended you offered her a piggy back ride which she graciously accepted. Feeling her arms wrap firmly around your neck you stood up prouder than ever as you walked out of the class to the cafeteria.
    I stand corrected AGAIN.

    >Pinkie Pie watched you walk in the cafeteria with Rarity on your back. When she said she was going to fix this she meant it. Finding out what really did happen to you yesterday on the internet Pinkie visited the hospital and told you about what was happening to your Rarebear.
    Oh, so we spent all that time mooching off the hospital? Not actually recovering? Good to know.

    >Hearing that she was at a all time low you asked the people at the hospital if you could leave. Afterwards Pinkie Pie filled you in on what you missed the last two months. Not wanting to spoil the surprise you put on a hoodie to conceal your identity.
    So, nobody in the school gave a shit about our attempted suicide?

    >Even if Pinkie Pie couldn't have you she was happy that her friend could. It was for the best anyways. However she never told a soul about the lie, some things are left unspoken.
    And some stories are best left untold. Too bad nobody told the author this.

    >"Rarity, your wetting my shirt!" You joked teasing Rarity of her endless tears.
    >"I can't help it darling. You don't know how happy I am right now!"
    As happy as I am that this fic's almost over?

    >Rarity sighed happily relaxing her head on top of your head.
    >"Two bowls of fruit salad please." You politely asked Mrs. Smith.



>"Oh hey deary! I haven't seen you in forever." Mrs. Smith pointed out much to your amusement.
>"Yeah someone in particular missed me the most." You nuzzled Rarity's cheek with your own causing her to blush madly.
>"Oh I see, well here you go. Have a nice day lovebirds!" Rarity hid her embarrassment by burying her face in your shoulder.
>You walked to your table waving at the five girls who changed your life for the best. You sat down at your usual seat with Rarity on your lap as you fed her.
As we what?

>"Here comes the airplane Rarebear!"
Are we seriously getting into ABDL territory here?

>You mimicked the sounds an airplane would make trying to get Rarity to open her mouth.
Fuck, we are!

>"I will not be fed like a child!" Looks like she needs some encouragement.
How about some mental infantilization serum?

>You gently placed a kiss in between her eyes causing Rarity to stutter.
>"I-i y-mmpf!" You placed the spoon in her mouth pumping your fist in victory. .
>"I can't believe you did that!"
I can't either, honestly.

>Rarity complained taking the spoon out of her mouth.
>"You know ya liked it Rarebear." You teased kissing her on the nose this time. She happily hummed hugging you in the process.
>"Please don't ever do that again." Rarity asked referring to your suicidal attempt.
Would've made more sense if she referred to the spoonfeeding.

>"Trust me Rarebear." You reassured her. "I got too much to live for now." You grabbed her waist and pulled her closer.
>"Oh and what is that?" Rarity queered wrapping her arms around your neck leaning further in.
>"That is if you take up on my offer."
Again with this shit?

>You holded your breath waiting for Rarity to reject you again.
>She didn't.
>"I'll have to take up on that offer then." You both leaned together as your lips touch hers.
>Attempt 29 Success!
And it was shit.

That wraps up the riff. Hopefully, it wasn't as bad as the fanfic, itself.